Well, ive been lurking here for a little while. i figured i would share my
story.

my name is tony. im 37 years old. ive had hsv since i was 20 years old. before
hsv i was a
shy person. i had been picked on as a kid. i was not very athletic so the other
boys in the
neighborhood pretty much used me as a punching bag from the time i was 10 till i
graduated from high school. because of this my confidence was pretty shot and my
self
esteem was very low. i met a girl who i thought was an angel. she had a gorgous
smile and
always had nice things to say to me. imagine how happy i was when she started
falling for
me.

i can still remember the night she told me she had hsv. for whatever reason, i
was not very
educated in hsv and did not understand how contagous it was. but my angel was
crying.
she was in pain. i thought about how horrible it was to not be accepted for most
of my life
and i thought i could never do that to her. i held her close looked into her
eyes and told
her that i accepted her regardless of what she had and we could work through
this. well, a
year later she started seeing other guys behind my back. i caught her one night
and that
spelled the end. little did i know that i had something in my body that would
remind me of
her for the rest of my life.

i can still remember my first outbreak. i was looking down at myself in the
shower and
wondering what this thing on my penis could be. i was in denile. i told myself
it was
nothing. and tried to go on with my life as if everything was fine. a couple
years later i met
another girl who i believed was terrific. she felt the same about me.
unfortunately, i
passed it on to her. she missed her period and went to her doctor for a
pregnancy test.
while she was there she had a physical and the doctor confirmed she had hsv. i
felt
horrible. i could not believe i did this to someone. i felt so rotten and dirty.
i didnt know
what to say. i went to the doctor and he confirmed that i was also hsv postive.
well, the girl
decided to stay with me. the pregancy was terminated. we spent the next 5 years
in a very
rough relationship. it finally ended one night, when i came home from work one
morning
and found she was gone. she left me a note telling me how rotten a person i was
and how
i deserved to be alone. i spent the next 7 years alone.

occasionally i would meet a girl who i wanted to be serious with. but they ran
from me
when i told them i had hsv. it made me feel dirty and diseased. i became very
angry. well
anger is just a way of hiding sadness isnt it? i became bitter and i swore i
would not let
anyone in ever again. i spent the next 7 years on my own. occasionally having
sex with a
girl when i could not fight the urge anymore. of course i never told them,
because i knew
that was a deal breaker. it never made me happy and the guilt was horrible. i
just assumed
i would never find anyone to love me because of this disease.

i started looking on the hsv dating sites. i made a someone who introduced me to
a friend
of hers who was also hsv positive. we talked on the phone and on the internet.
she was
beautiful. we had a lot in common. she accepted me for everything i was. i felt
like a
million bucks. i was very happy and felt like i was falling in love but i was
scared to meet
her. she finally took the bull by the horns and made the drive from orlando to
west palm
beach to meet me. she drove almost 3 hours just to meet me in person. we had
more in
common than i could have ever believed. she had a young son who i met and
enjoyed very
much. we commuted for a year to spend time together. she made the move to wpb to
live
with me. i was so happy, until all the old insecurities started. here i was with
a woman who
loved me more than anything and i could not get over the fear that she would
someday
leave me. we started fighting a lot. the worst of it was when we fought in front
of her son.
ive always had a bad temper. i made her cry. i felt horrible. i felt i was not
worthy of her
love anymore. i ended the relationship not because i didnt love her. i ended it
because i
couldnt stand hurting her anymore. i couldnt stand seeing her crying. i couldnt
stand
hurting someone i love so much. so she left with her son. i never got to say
goodbye.

that was 8 months ago. now im alone again. ive been in therapy since then to get
control
of my temper and get over the terrible thing i did to cara. it still hurts when
i come home
and find it empty. its just something i will have to get over. ive had to say
goodbye to cara,
because i know i will never see her again.

so why am i writing this? i guess its just to vent my frustration with having
this disease.
sure i had issues before hsv, but hsv hasnt made things any easier for me. right
now life,
as far as a relationship, marriage and children doesnt look to be in my future.
i feel alone,
hopeless and scared. its been 17 years with this disease. when will things get
better?