battles begun, battles renewed
again i am home from the training program which was from 8-3, which had a 1/2
hour lunch which wasn't quite long enough for me since i eat slow.
at home i am thinking along lines of what i call 'fasting', but could be called
skippin meals, restriction not being an option of a name because i am not so
hard on it that i refuse to eat anything.
i am back to eating cereal during the day. there is no more 'lunch'. in the
evening i can have a sandwich if i like the food in the frig. i usually don't
and so resort to cereal. oh, well, at least i like cereal a little even though
i am getting sick of it. there is sugar frosted flakes which i can endure once
or twice a week, but the lack of nutritious food in my diet sets me up for more
failure!!
i am trying to get a job, have gone to the training and hope to go back to
training [after august this year] to finish training and get hired but think
counting on this is too long and i am feeling frustrated and hopeless, rather,
and have been not eating as a result of all the changes after the program ended:
i am back home, having to deal with some trying situations.
my hope is in remembering that i am here for a purpose. then i think i am
eating for some reason when i have the bowl of cereal, and when i add toast if i
am really hungry.
SOOOO! i am back online a bit more, my spouse at work in the day, me having
time to type online and try to continue reasoning out why i should and HOW TO
stay going forward and for the right thing!!
i do feel as though i am yelling when i put those exclamation points in..
i am frustrated about stuff, about time, about my place, this house..
i can not think in the morning. i want to stay in bed, but got up today..
i think it is a better thing, to get up even though my day is just empty unless
i go out, like to the dollar store...
things don't fill me, but i shop there and sometimes get something i don't need.
sometimes i buy food for myself but i really need to eat at home and it is not
appetizing here. so eat the cereal and go back to square one, and struggle to
eat nourishing food, protein, vegetable, etc.
okay, so this is my 're'-starting point.
i am sorry this is not encouraging it is just my start to get on track from a
different place.. i was eating too much i thought in the training when we sat
all day at desks and i stopped fitting my pants even more.
i just need to get balance i think. i do not want to complain. i just want to
be where i should be, already i have tried to be helpful here, and you should
have seen me at the training program. i wanted everyone to succeed and was told
it was not good that i was 'mothering' some of the other students in training.
but it is time, as it allways has been, for me to try and get better from my
dieting by using coffee as a purge, not digestion itself. i don't even know how
i digest.. it is not well with me. i get bloated feeling bvery easily. so
where do i start? i wish again, that i could enter a program.