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Bev,
This DOES make sense to me, then again most days lately I am not sure if I make sense myself so maybe that's not helpful;)
The last part of your post resonates with me the VERY most. I am whirling, twirling, spiraling inside the abyss of my mind and all it's secrets. Right now I also have absolutely no sense of me, well except I DO but it's so confusing and *sigh* OK so maybe it's time to open up here...I know no better way to explain to y'all the struggles I am facing then to voice them, and as my T says "take a chance" and open up...I understand if y'all reject me, think I'm crazy, etc...I think the same thing...I have no idea how the struggle to recover from ED turned into this MUCH more complicated MESS I am today...
OK so here I am, getting ready to bear all I know at this point, desperately hoping not to be judged, seeking approval and at the very same time not giving a damn...
I'm not even sure where to begin because I can't remember if I explained the circumstances that brought us to this place or not...So I guess we'll start at the beginning and apologize in advance if it's a repeat. At the end of last year (2008) my T was pushing for hospitalization I didn't like the idea but finally agreed to apply to a research hospital (as I have no insurance and if treatment is not free it's not doable, struggle to keep up with T costs as is) I went through the process but at the final interview was told that although I def. qualified in terms of needing "weight stabiliztion" I had too many "trauma" issues (which they do not specialize in) and didn't seem "motivated" enough to gain weight. OK, WTF? I get that a research hosp. program probably doesn't deal w/ trauma issues but honestly what anorexic is tremendously motivated to GAIN weight????
Anyway so my T and I reached a compromise, as long as I didn't fall below a certain weight she would continue to see me and not push hospitalization BUT that we must begin working on my "trauma" issues....
So, thus began the work of slowly digging into my past, admitting to the physical and s*xual abuse we suffered at the hands of our father....That secret was never meant to be told but there's more that wasn't meant to be told...Suddenly we began talking about the "voices" the "Parts" that dwell inside of me...So began the current upheaval and struggles...I am not I but WE, one body but many....MPD/DID whatever the current trend, I/WE are multiple. Still not sure how to deal or if any of this made sense, We understand if everyone thinks we're crazy, we think so too...
Ari
To: MyEDHelpSupport@yahoogroups.com
From: beverlycalobrace@...
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 2009 21:30:13 +0000
Subject: [MyEDHelpSupport] WHATS IN---SIDE
This DOES make sense to me, then again most days lately I am not sure if I make sense myself so maybe that's not helpful;)
The last part of your post resonates with me the VERY most. I am whirling, twirling, spiraling inside the abyss of my mind and all it's secrets. Right now I also have absolutely no sense of me, well except I DO but it's so confusing and *sigh* OK so maybe it's time to open up here...I know no better way to explain to y'all the struggles I am facing then to voice them, and as my T says "take a chance" and open up...I understand if y'all reject me, think I'm crazy, etc...I think the same thing...I have no idea how the struggle to recover from ED turned into this MUCH more complicated MESS I am today...
OK so here I am, getting ready to bear all I know at this point, desperately hoping not to be judged, seeking approval and at the very same time not giving a damn...
I'm not even sure where to begin because I can't remember if I explained the circumstances that brought us to this place or not...So I guess we'll start at the beginning and apologize in advance if it's a repeat. At the end of last year (2008) my T was pushing for hospitalization I didn't like the idea but finally agreed to apply to a research hospital (as I have no insurance and if treatment is not free it's not doable, struggle to keep up with T costs as is) I went through the process but at the final interview was told that although I def. qualified in terms of needing "weight stabiliztion" I had too many "trauma" issues (which they do not specialize in) and didn't seem "motivated" enough to gain weight. OK, WTF? I get that a research hosp. program probably doesn't deal w/ trauma issues but honestly what anorexic is tremendously motivated to GAIN weight????
Anyway so my T and I reached a compromise, as long as I didn't fall below a certain weight she would continue to see me and not push hospitalization BUT that we must begin working on my "trauma" issues....
So, thus began the work of slowly digging into my past, admitting to the physical and s*xual abuse we suffered at the hands of our father....That secret was never meant to be told but there's more that wasn't meant to be told...Suddenly we began talking about the "voices" the "Parts" that dwell inside of me...So began the current upheaval and struggles...I am not I but WE, one body but many....MPD/DID whatever the current trend, I/WE are multiple. Still not sure how to deal or if any of this made sense, We understand if everyone thinks we're crazy, we think so too...
Ari
To: MyEDHelpSupport@yahoogroups.com
From: beverlycalobrace@...
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 2009 21:30:13 +0000
Subject: [MyEDHelpSupport] WHATS IN---SIDE
You ask is knowing whats inside myself give me peace and rest?
Well....Put it this way.If I don~t know what I`m dealing with(issues,emotions)how can I find relief for them?I can`t.Finding out how to resolve them and letting them go,along with faith relationship to my God,support from others(therapy)does provide me with solutions,and gives me all the things I am really seeking.Purpose,hope,significance,serenity.I don`t feel centered everyday,especially lately,as I have been in + out of the hospital due to bad reactions to new medicines.That`s another story.
When I have no sense of me,I am whirling ,reacting to a-lot of other things.So...to me it does matter.Being centered,ACCEPTING myself is very powerful.And it takes a-lot of work.Other wise I stay in my illness,DIS-EASE.I have been struggling.But that`s o.k.;I`m willing to keep striving for mental health,reclaiming.Can`t reclaim what I don`t know.Hope this makes sense.
Take care
Bev
Well....Put it this way.If I don~t know what I`m dealing with(issues,
When I have no sense of me,I am whirling ,reacting to a-lot of other things.So...
Take care
Bev
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