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Hi Allison, Ari and Erin,
I have been reading all of your emails for a while and have been wanting to respond but not sure what to say so it makes sense without babbling.
I live in Jacksonville, Florida. I am only here for about 6 months and then I am going back with my husband to Philadelphia. This is where we came from.
Let me share with you all about my ED. I wont go into all my childhood history. About four years ago I decided that I wanted to run a marathon. I had a lot of extra weight on me and new I would need to lose the weight so I could actually run.
I found a personal trainer who was amazing. I started training with him. I told him what I wanted to do. about the running. He said to me, "if you are really motivated I will run with you" Wow what personal trainer would do that. I would meet him about 4 times a week at 6am in the morning at his little gym and he ran with me. I started getting more endurance and stronger by lifting weights.
I joined LA weight loss because I thought I would lose the weight. The weight started coming off. I was losing inches. Off course my head was crazy. At the time I did not think it was crazy. I was obsessed. I was supposed to follow a certain food plan at LA weight loss but I found in my sick head that if I ate less and then ran the scale would go down. Yup it went down and down. Before I knew it I had gone down almost 70 pounds. I never experienced a body like I had had. I never had the attention from men that I got. It was great.
In order for me to keep this up, I had to run everyday. I was in the gym almost every day. WE all know that this does not stick I was working with a therapist who specialized in eating disorders and she finally encouraged me to seek treatment. I went to an out patient program at night.
I learned alot. Off course the weight started to come back on and that scarde me. I did not want to be that fat little girl again. I went back into my old behaviors of starving and then binging. This worked for a while until I met my husband. I was active in my exercise and eating disorder but then I got a knee injury. I did not want to stop but I had to. The stopping was terrible. I got depressed and then started eating. I did not want to feel my feelings. I worked in therapy.
I was also at a happy time in life because I was getting married. Little did I know that when I lost the weight I was a new person. I was about to brink upon a new life. Move to Colorado and study a masters degree in Somatic Psychology. I decided to put all that on hold and get married.
I am a massage therapist and decided to work on my business at the time. The stress emotions from getting married led me more into the ED. When I got married I was upset because I had put on some weight. My ED eyes thought I was huge. Boy how blurry can our eyes be.
I got pregnant and had some complications with gestational diabetes the weight piled on and piled on. AFter the baby it did not come off easilty and still has not come off. I have been diagnosed with a hormone conditon called PCOS. It makes it more challenging to take the weight off. I am back in recovery with OA and have a sponser. This is all at home in PHilly. The meetings in Jacksonville are very spread out and I dont have a lot of support here.
MY ED mind wants to sign up for Teams in Training to do the Walt Disney Marathon. This is the marathon that I was training for until my injury. I had actually made it to almost 13 miles.
Now doing a mile seems so hard for me. I feel so heavy and this depresses me. To add to it all I am alone here in Jacskonville. I have met some people but not people that I can relate to. I was doint phone sessions with my therapist but I felt it was not working as well for me. Especially since I am paying 65.00 on the phone. I am hesitant to find another therapist because I know that it wont be permanant.
My mind is saying that my therapy will come from doing the training for the marathon.
Can I do this in a healthy way with support.
Thanks for reading my story. I would love to be buddy's also.
Love and Blessings to all
Melissa
Melissa Solomonov, BSW & CMT
Jacksonville, Florida
904 683-1897
----- Original Message ----
From: Ari ... <Soccerstar09@...>
To: MyEDHelpSupport@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Monday, September 17, 2007 7:04:23 AM
Subject: RE: [MyEDHelpSupport] Re: Hi
From: Ari ... <Soccerstar09@...>
To: MyEDHelpSupport@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Monday, September 17, 2007 7:04:23 AM
Subject: RE: [MyEDHelpSupport] Re: Hi
Hi Allison, oops, forgot to mention that I'm another Floridian=) However I
live on the opposite coast in Hudson. I definitely understand the
overexercising. Before I got into recovery last time I would run 10 or more
miles a day plus do crunches until I couldn't do them anymore. This time I
haven't sunk that far down, I exercise but only in moderation, I guess the
heat here in lovely Florida helps keep that at bay.
The first time I went into recovery was not so much a personal choice, even
though I was 18 my mother forced me into it, I was (and still am)a people
pleaser and so I did what she wanted. I joined a support group went to a
therapist etc. At first I was doing it only to placate her but as a few more
months went on I began to realize I really was sick and did have a problem
that I needed help for. Maybe I gave up on therapy a bit to soon because
looking back I realize maybe I wasn't as "recoverED" as I like to think.
Externally I was doing good, gaining weight eating and only purging
occasionally. And even though I had moments I could look in the mirror and
like what I saw the ED voice never truly went away. It was much tamer and I
could recognize that it was just ED talking but it never fully stopped.
Right now I waiver alot between being able to recognize I need help and then
totally dismissing it and telling myself I am fine. Except realistically I
know the latter is just ED telling me that. I guess what really scares me is
if I CAN really do it? I know I need to find healthier coping mechanisms but
I have no idea right now what those would be. OOOPS, my nephew is up from
hisnap. I'llwrite more later.
Ari
>From: "allisonbiszantz" <biszanta@...>
>Reply-To: MyEDHelpSupport@yahoogroups.com
>To: MyEDHelpSupport@yahoogroups.com
>Subject: [MyEDHelpSupport] Re: Hi
>Date: Mon, 17 Sep 2007 10:37:01 -0000
>
>Ari, Hi! What part of country are you in? My name is Allison, and I
>have exercise bulimia and an anorexic mindset. I am now at the point
>of recognizing that my latest attempts to exercise have been rather
>over doing it, and to stop again totally and just walk and so forth.
>Recovery is totally worth it. YOu get to have a 'life' again, when
>you are able to free yourself from the noise of the disorder, which
>can be so very loud. How did you initially get into recovery? I had
>more recovery than I do right now, but I have some really irritating
>health problems that are setting me back a little. So, I have to go
>sort of back to the drawing board. I have to try harder.
>Allison
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>-- In MyEDHelpSupport@yahoogroups.com, "Ari ..." <Soccerstar09@...>
>wrote:
> >
> > Hi, my name is Ariane (mostly go by Ari online though). I joined
>this site a
> > few weeks ago and just wanted to introduce myself. I am
>anorexic/bulimic, I
> > had been recoverED for about 4 years and then my Mom passed away.
>After
> > about 6 months I found myself turning back to my old coping
>mechanism of
> > anorexia and purging. I have been in a downward spiral for the last
>year or
> > so and am currently beginning the process of recovery again. I
>sought out a
> > support group several months ago and have just recently started
>seeing a
> > therapist again. The past few weeks I have been doing OK ed-wise
>but am
> > still struggling with the is recovery worth it thoughts. Even
>though I know
> > recovery is possible because I have done it before I am still
>struggling
> > about rather or not I can do this, or want to. Well that's just a
>lil about
> > me and my story. I have to get going but will write more later.
> >
> > Ari
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > A place for moms to take a break!
> > http://www.reallivemoms.com?ocid=TXT_TAGHM&loc=us
> >
>
>
_________________________________________________________________
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live on the opposite coast in Hudson. I definitely understand the
overexercising. Before I got into recovery last time I would run 10 or more
miles a day plus do crunches until I couldn't do them anymore. This time I
haven't sunk that far down, I exercise but only in moderation, I guess the
heat here in lovely Florida helps keep that at bay.
The first time I went into recovery was not so much a personal choice, even
though I was 18 my mother forced me into it, I was (and still am)a people
pleaser and so I did what she wanted. I joined a support group went to a
therapist etc. At first I was doing it only to placate her but as a few more
months went on I began to realize I really was sick and did have a problem
that I needed help for. Maybe I gave up on therapy a bit to soon because
looking back I realize maybe I wasn't as "recoverED" as I like to think.
Externally I was doing good, gaining weight eating and only purging
occasionally. And even though I had moments I could look in the mirror and
like what I saw the ED voice never truly went away. It was much tamer and I
could recognize that it was just ED talking but it never fully stopped.
Right now I waiver alot between being able to recognize I need help and then
totally dismissing it and telling myself I am fine. Except realistically I
know the latter is just ED telling me that. I guess what really scares me is
if I CAN really do it? I know I need to find healthier coping mechanisms but
I have no idea right now what those would be. OOOPS, my nephew is up from
hisnap. I'llwrite more later.
Ari
>From: "allisonbiszantz" <biszanta@...>
>Reply-To: MyEDHelpSupport@yahoogroups.com
>To: MyEDHelpSupport@yahoogroups.com
>Subject: [MyEDHelpSupport] Re: Hi
>Date: Mon, 17 Sep 2007 10:37:01 -0000
>
>Ari, Hi! What part of country are you in? My name is Allison, and I
>have exercise bulimia and an anorexic mindset. I am now at the point
>of recognizing that my latest attempts to exercise have been rather
>over doing it, and to stop again totally and just walk and so forth.
>Recovery is totally worth it. YOu get to have a 'life' again, when
>you are able to free yourself from the noise of the disorder, which
>can be so very loud. How did you initially get into recovery? I had
>more recovery than I do right now, but I have some really irritating
>health problems that are setting me back a little. So, I have to go
>sort of back to the drawing board. I have to try harder.
>Allison
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>-- In MyEDHelpSupport@yahoogroups.com, "Ari ..." <Soccerstar09@...>
>wrote:
> >
> > Hi, my name is Ariane (mostly go by Ari online though). I joined
>this site a
> > few weeks ago and just wanted to introduce myself. I am
>anorexic/bulimic, I
> > had been recoverED for about 4 years and then my Mom passed away.
>After
> > about 6 months I found myself turning back to my old coping
>mechanism of
> > anorexia and purging. I have been in a downward spiral for the last
>year or
> > so and am currently beginning the process of recovery again. I
>sought out a
> > support group several months ago and have just recently started
>seeing a
> > therapist again. The past few weeks I have been doing OK ed-wise
>but am
> > still struggling with the is recovery worth it thoughts. Even
>though I know
> > recovery is possible because I have done it before I am still
>struggling
> > about rather or not I can do this, or want to. Well that's just a
>lil about
> > me and my story. I have to get going but will write more later.
> >
> > Ari
> >
> > _________________________________________________________________
> > A place for moms to take a break!
> > http://www.reallivemoms.com?ocid=TXT_TAGHM&loc=us
> >
>
>
_________________________________________________________________
Test your celebrity IQ. Play Red Carpet Reveal and earn great prizes!
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<*> To change settings via email:
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