The eating disorder stuff is at the end of the message because my ED
stuff is not as truly prominent as it once was.

I am at my father in Law's house, which is kinda out in the sticks in
Crystal River just north of Tampa on the Gulf coast. It was a longass
drive. It's not as easy to stick to my food plan out of town. I
brought my food plan with me. I am reading a Dalai Lama book
called "Happiness at Work," (sort of a play on words) and I think
it's part of a series. All the East/West stuff we are exposed to via
Lisa Palmer has been just sort of an appetizer with me. If millions,
maybe billions of people can survive on a continent devoid of the
doctor/pill, chemo/fixit mentality than we can learn from them. I
once tried to tell someone at an OA meeting about these new ideas,
hoping they would give someone who was sufferering and had been to
treatment some hope, some new lite in her mind, but she looked at me
and said, "I am so not ready to hear this right now," Which was her
truth. She's been nice to me ever since. I go to OA because my
greatest downfall with eating itself (not the thinking part ) is
runaway binge eating. Since I've been working with Lisa Palmer I've
had a couple of breaches, but nothing like the 6 or 7 yogurt
extravaganzas I used to go on, and then exercise to get rid of the
ugly feelings.

All year long I collected gifts for people. I even have started
getting gifts for people next year already because the deals on
things like Cubic Zirconia are so good. So by the time Christmas
comes I have gifts for like the 15 people in my family and a few
friends. So I am not financially strapped at the end of the year, I
just spend 3-10.00 here and there over the year on well thought out
little purchases for individuals and it's a plan, man. This is the
first year I have done it. This year, I was even willing to wrap a
few packages.


the wise program is going great for me. All of us women have a ton of
issues in common. No wonder we 'stuff' or 'control' through anorexic
behavior. We are pissed off and don't want to feel the depths of
anger and pain.

I live in South Florida. Many of us on this email do.

I recently had a binge I want to explain. Hollywood Pavilion had a
holiday party recently. I knew I was in trouble as I anticipated the
food part for the entire group before the party. The food was
unbelievable. It was a spread worthy of bumlics dreams, and I am a
bulimic of sorts. You have to understand that I have been to the
Pavilion 3 times. It's a safe place to share feelings and get better.
Most of the people there are on medicare, but I am lucky enough to
have regular insurance. It is worth it to get the kind of medicare
hmo like United Health Care that Hollywood Pavilion DOES take. Or
stay straight medicare and avoid part d by purchasing a separate
prescription package. These are things I plan to do. Anyway back to
the party, I have been to Hollywood Pavilion to desubstanize myself
(get clean off painkillers and benzos and herbal supplements and
byetta injections for weight control) Then, when my eating disorder
injuries from the exercise got really bad and I couldnt' stop
exercising, I had to go again for relapse (substance) prevention. I
was about to resort to my old tricks for weight control and if I
didn't stop running, I'd be on painkillers-a situation I created with
self destructive behavior in the quest for THIN and GLUTTONY to co-
exist. Then, when the Wise program actually started up, I went there
again. I have a great gratitude for the place. So the director starts
speaking and they give us these incredible presents. I think what
they had in mind was to take care of those of us who had no family
and no outside gift exhange and to make sure everyone actually had a
xmas. The gifts were considerable, and they even gave us a stuffed
animal to love. That's what really GOT to me.

Anyway, maybe I oversentimentalize but I started crying. I didn't
want to feel my feelings, so I hit the wheat/sugar crackers at the
buffet and had about 7. Then I realized, as it was time to go that I
couldnt' find my car keys. I had to pass my fav ice cream place on
the way to the place where I had most likely placed my keys. I had a
double cone. Then I went to a Gelato establishement. UNBELIEVABLE. SO
QUICK this binge. And here's what I told myself as I slid down the
slippery slope, "Oh, what the hell." I bet alot of you tell
yourselves that.

So days later, I am still feelign the weepy feelings of gratitute for
those at the Pavilion, who are so thoughtful, and I am not binging
while I am out of town. Even though it is easy to. I felt that the
pain/joy I experience when abstinent from my stuffing tricks and
maneuvers is like walking on glass. A little too intense. I don't
know how to feel the feelings of gratitude that are welling up inside
me. It's partly the holidays, like Ari was saying. I want to do for
other people, and I do. I bring two meetings in hospital wards for
the substance abusers (who are partly psychiatrically disabled) and
the psych ward itself. It makes me feel better than just taking care
of Allison's medical problems, of which there are three that are sort
of interrated and medicine caused. But I need the meds for psych. So
it's a box I can easily get caught in self pity and anger in.

sorry this post was so long, I guess I am happy that the momentum is
picking up. Hopefully we'll hear from Lisa R. Erin C. Ari and begin
to hear from Wise group members. There's alot to process, even after
group.

Peace and enlightenment,

Allison
Biszantz
954-557-4805