My Dear Dogs and Cats,



I have a few issues I'd like to bring to your attention:



·        When I say to move, it means go some place else, not switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

·        The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

·        The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
because I fall faster than you can run.

·        I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space used is nothing but sarcasm.

·        My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

·        For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine and
feline attendance is not mandatory.

·        The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animals'
butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for
you.

·        To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
door:



Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain about Our Pets:



1.      They live here. You don't.

2.      If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3.      I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4.      To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5.      Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.



Thank you.