Well here in Texas it's 1:00 am, so its officially Mother's Day.
The day I've been dreading for the last two weeks. I know its been a
long time since I wrote, I keep thinking things will get better, but
I just can't seem to go on.

I'm still talking with a chaplain with Hospice and she's wonderful, i
don't know how I would have survivied without her, because it seems
everyone else is gone and my dad and I just don't talk much anymore
and I'm alone. I don't know maybe that's the way God planned
it...for me to learn to find my strength from Him..not other people.

My pain now is more terrible than when my mom died July 31st - I
think Mandi and I lost our moms within a few days of each other. I
never knew your heart could hurt so much. I never knew pain could go
so deep into your soul. I can't even think of today as Mother's
Day and her not here - the first one. I remember last year, I knew
she would not be here this year, so I wanted to pick the perfect card
and special gift, she didn't even realize some of it, but I wanted to
do it for her and now I've never not had my mom and it's so hard. I
will go to the cemetary tomorrow and put flowers on her grave. It's
still unimaginable to me that I'm buying flowers to put on my
mother's grave.

My mom died on Sunday at 1:20 pm. Her birthday fell on Sunday,
Christmas was on a weekend, Mother's Day is Sunday and my birthday
falls on Sunday....and as busy as I try to stay every Sunday at 1:20
I look at that clock and fall apart.

I can't seem to get a hold on this...I can tell you everything
logically, because I know it, my mom is gone, she's in heaven, she's
not coming back, she's happy and smiling and not sick anymore, I know
she's in a better place, I know my life has to go on...But emotinally
I just want to hold her, talk to her, oh my how I miss talking to
her...or just holding her precious hand even at the end, I can't let
her go. I feel guily over things I did and didn't do. But what
mostly seems to be holding me back is I can't let her go. I hold her
so close to my heart that sometimes I can't breath. I won't throw
anything away. I still have her med, clothes, everything. I can't
even throw the applesause out that I use to mash her medicine up in.
I come all to pieces if someone even mentions it. I can't. It's
like I feel if I let one thing go, I'll lose her. The funny thing is
I've already lost her. But if I let her go in my heart I think, I
don't know what I think, I guess I think I will lose her..memories,
her smell, her touch, her words...I know that's not true because
those will be with me forever, but I can't. I'm fighting the
counselor, God and myself every step of the way on this and the only
one I'm hurting is myself. I know if I could let go and hand it over
to Him - then He could start to heal my heart, but I can't, I
cannot. And if I told God I was, it would be a lie and I can't do
that either.

So here I sit crying my eyes out, broken hearted, and missing my mom.

It takes every ounce of strength I have to get out of bed and go to
work in the am and I'm exhausted when I come home and fall into bed,
her bed, I just want to lay where she did. By then end of the week I
can't function. I've developed two bad habits - I eat constantly and
I'm buying things that I don't even need, just to buy - I'm trying to
feel this empty hole - so that's two ways I'm trying to fill it. I
know what I'm doing and why yet I can't stop. I just want everything
to stop just for awhile, but it doesn't. I'm so tired an exhausted.

How do you learn to go on with your life and be happy when part of
that life is gone forever. I don't want to, I just want to be with
my mom. I want this life to be over with...I'm tired. I'm tired of
working, I'm tired of trying to live day to day, I'm tired of trying
to solve problems and bills...I just want to go home and be with the
Lord and my mom. I know that sounds awful. But that's all I want.

There is no joy in my life. I can't even feel God anymore. I cry
and pray to Him to let me feel Him to know He's here and I'm going to
get thru this, but I can't feel Him now. I know He's here I just
can't feel Him and that's almost just as hard. The only thing I feel
now is pain and grief and depression. I try so hard, and I can lie
to people and they think I'm fine, but inside I'm dying. I've
reached a point that there is no happiness or joy and I dont know how
to find it again.

God has to intervene and help me, but so far I don't know. I'm just
lost. I don't know how to go on.

I'm sorry for all of you grieving for you moms today...I know how you
feel...and you will be in my prayers.

Denie