I read your post late last night and my heart went out to you
immediately in prayer but I needed to wait until this morning to
respond after praying that my words may help. I've know the
feeling many times of "how much more" could God put on my plate to
have to deal with and been guilty to the max of looking up to God
many a time and saying "you're not watching me closely
enough...you're not seeing that this is more than I can handle".
But each and every time God has provided enough of what I needed to
get thru the trial and hurts and in retrospect He used each and
every time I've felt He wasn't caring enough about how much was
being piled on me to deal with to grow me and more importantly to
prove to me that He holds my hand day and night forever and will
never leave me. That being said...those are words I'm sure you've
heard before and right now they probably just seem like words and
make you want to smack me for saying what seems like just another
pat answer to your hurts from someone who's not standing in your
shoes. But they are words that I truly mean in a caring manner and
words of truth about God.

Personally I don't know how you are handling things so well being a
teacher that is preparing Mother's Day programs and dealing with the
first year hurts that you have at the loss of your mother. I think
you're doing a wonderful job of coping in this area....you are far,
far better than I would be in that situation. My mom died in Feb
of 2005 after I had taken care of her for 5 years as her primary
caregiver and the first MOther's Day was hard...this second one this
year is hard too but not quite as hard...there's a more settled
feeling that she is with God and that God is with me and reminding
me of all that I have walked thru this past year and that He never
left and I see how much I've grown this past year and become deeper
in my faith in ways that I could not have if I hadn't had to cling
to God so closely and become so honest with God in talking to Him
about my feelings...even when I was angry with God for having to
deal with so much alone. Yes...you are young to have lost both
parents already and I am overwhelmed at your story and my heart
breaks to think of someone having to deal with the lose of both
parents in such a short amount of time. My father died when I was
13 after being ill for 2 years with cancer so I do understand having
both parents gone and wanting to shout to God that "I'm too young to
be an orphan". But you know...you're not an orphan when it comes
to God and you were blessed with parents you loved and whom I'm sure
loved you. All I can say is you will survive and God will NEVER
leave you alone one second of time. I guess I'm the lucky one in
that, as I go thru the months and time after mom died, I can look
back somewhat and remember some of the same feelings when Dad died
and know that there does come a time when the hurt moves to the
background and the loving memories rise to the top like cream and
become the sweet savor that you can lean on in remembering these
relationships and these people in your life. It hurts terribly now
but remind yourself that your goal isn't to go back to the person
you were before all the trials but to ask God to bring you being a
person with a deeper relationship with Him and that "new normal"
that is talked about. The more you struggle to go back to the
person you were before they died the harder it will be.

As to Mother's Day...again....I can't imagine how you are doing what
you are in your teaching position...I would never be able to do that
even this second M. Day since mom died(and my mom and I didn't
always have a very good relationship). What I can say is how I've
coped last year and this year's plans. I have a dear friend who
also lost both her parents suddenly within an 18 month period(my mom
died in between her parents) and we have drawn closer together in
this time. We've been friends for years and her family was like a
second family to me(so I do understand a little bit losing all
the "parent" type relationships in my life in a short time...though
it's not nearly the same as you're experiencing). We all spent
Mother's Day together last year(my friend & her family and her
brother's family) and we are spending it together again this year
that way we are our own family who understands the loss and bonds
together to help each other out. If you have any friends who have
been thru even some of the loss you have...talk to them...let them
know how you're struggling(don't be proud about it...maybe they're
afraid to talk to you not knowing what to say too) and form a
support group around you so that you have someone to talk to. If
you go out to eat...go someplace new...create a new tradition for
yourself this year and the years after. And most
importantly...don't, don't, don't berate yourself for any tears that
may come or feelings that seem to come that day...allow them to
come, feel them and ask God to help you with them. It's in
stopping the tears that we stop the healing. If you have older
women in your life that you can talk to...let them be there for
you...they may need someone on this day too. Don't try to be the
brave hero for everyone. How would you treat a friend who was going
thru what you are? Give yourself that same measure of grace and
comforting and advice to reach out to someone to help you thru
this.

Sorry for the long post...hope I haven't rambled completely...just
know that you are deep on my heart today and will continue to be
much in my prayers this weekend especially. And know this...this
is my second Mother's Day with no parents and there will be tears in
my eyes as well...you are not alone in this and you are NOT weak for
feeling the hurts that you do. Remember Jesus in the Garden of
Gethsemane...even he cried out to his father to please take some of
the load off his plate...he was human at that point and he
understands the human feelings we have.

Betty