A couple of years ago a friend of asked me "Why are you so angry?"
The question stopped me in mid rage…it took me until recently to
realize that the question, like the anger, was a gift. (It took my
friend a tremendous amount of courage to ask why I was so angry.
But then again she's been my friend almost 25 years)



Zach de la Rocha of Rage Against the Machine sings in "Freedom"
that `your anger is a gift'. Definitely not a gift that one wants
to keep, like an ugly tie or a Chia Pet. For me, anger was the gift
giving me reason to consider my choices and concerns.



Seven years ago a series of events in my personal life caused me to
begin a downward spiral into a hole of depression. Confused, I
began to replace exercising with exorcising. No longer were my
workouts filled with joy and happiness – instead they become a way
to suppress the feelings that made me angry. As my personal
satisfaction with my performances began to disappear so did my
appearance in the triathlons. I signed up for races, intending to
train and race again, only to donate money to race directors for
races I failed to start.



The cycle of anger and depression is difficult to break. Oddly the
body becomes addicted to these destructive emotions so often when
presented with a difficult situation I acted out in anger. Then in
an effort to thwart the feelings of anger I would crawl back into
that hole of depression, pulling the covers over my head and
escaping the emotions of anger. Missing life.



Missing things like riding my Kestrel, watching Brodie's and
Lennox's ears blow back while going for a walk on a blustery day,
crossing the finish line of a triathlon and feeling good about my
performance. Enjoying life.



This past winter I began to effect a change. Instead of worrying
about those things which really did not matter and being in love
with my sadness and anger, I instead began to fall in love with
enjoying life. Appreciating the goodness in my life allowed me to
live in the present moment, looking at my existence as Choygam
Trungpa descibes in his book Great Eastern Sun: The Wisdom of
Shambhala…'what comes next is the appreciation of that first good
thought, which is called the stroke. Coming out of the dot is the
brushwork, just like when you touch an actual brush and ink to the
paper. First you touch the ground, the canvas or the paper, then
you create a stroke. The stroke of goodness is connected with the
second thought. From the first thought, the dot, you extend the
second thought, which arises from gentleness. You are not trying to
fight with your world or to destroy anything, nor are your trying to
gain anything personally. There is just the first flash, and there
is a sense of continuing that'.



The Buddha teaches us "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot
coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one
who gets burned". I have taken that lump of coal and tossed it in
the hole representing my depression. I know there are times ahead
where I may be tempted to retrieve it. Instead of I shall take a
breath and listen to my inner wisdom. That is my fitness resolution
for 2006.