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Hello, Michael,
My name is Joe, and like you, I am an artist, or at least like to think that I am, and I started using Fuzeon on 12/2/05.
You mention hard skin, that injections hurt, and sometimes a little Fuzeon leaks out after you've removed the needle from your skin. These are all things I have experienced, too, and if I may, I'd like to offer a tip or two that I have found helpful.
The first one is to switch from using the syringes supplied in the kit. I understand that these thick needles don't bother or hurt some people, but they sure did me. Prior to starting Fuzeon, I'd been injecting insulin twice a day for about four years so I had some experience.
A kind soul on either this list or the PozHealth list wrote to tell me to use 1 CC syringes that are 31 gauge. These are basically the same syringe I used for insulin, which has never bothered me. I
simply didn't know they come in larger sizes. I immediately told my doctor about this and asked for and received a scrip for generic 31 gauge, 5/16 ", 1 CC syringe. The higher the gauge number, the thinner the needle. Supplied kit needles are 27 gauge. The 5/16" means that the needle itself has a short length.
Some people here have mentioned massaging the skin before and after for a few minutes, or taking a warm shower before injecting. These may be worth trying. Or ask your lover to massage the area for you.
One of the first things my doctor told me when he and my nurse had me inhect insuling was to count to five before removing the needle. And not a fast count to five...Count to 5 at the same pace you would any other time you're not giving an injection. This helps to ensure that all of the Fuzeon will have enought time to be injected under your skin.
While I have experienced
depression, especially after my diagnosis of full blown AIDS 11 years, it hasn't been to the degree to which you allude. Thankfully, I was guided to an incredible therapist shortly after my diagnosis. If not for Rose, we were on a first name basis, I don't know what my life would be like. Perhaps others here who have a greater knowledge or experience with depression and related matters can offer you suggestions. The tone of your letter makes your situation seem quite urgent, but I would urge you to start to find your own reasons to live, rather than what you have been doing, which may be a source for the resentment and other emotions which you are currently feeling. I envy you for having a lover who has been by your side all these years -- I can't even seem to find a man who'll go on a date.
Speaking of being guided, several years ago I was guided to another kind soul, a womanm Julia Kellman, who runs an art class for positive
people. I had mostly given up on my art and any interest in art in general (I graduated from Chicago's Art Institute). Julia was indeed a godsend, and has become a close friend. The class is not art therapy; it's simply a supportive environment for people to try to let go of whatever may be holding them back so they can make some art. Most people over the years I've been involved in it do not any formal art background.
We're in the early planning stages of launching a website about the class (while respecting confidentiality). In case you or others may be interested, here are some links:
http://www.news.uiuc.edu/news/05/0726art.html If you click on the image it will enlarge and you'll be able to see part of a book I designed. Look for the colored drawings of masks in the lower right.
http://www.will.uiuc.edu/am/aftmag/archives/05/051003.htm This link is to audio archives of a radio program that Julia appeared on. Look for the Thursday listings and click on either the Real Audio link or the download, which may be a large file since the show lasted nearly an hour.
Michael, I won't end this letter with a pop psychology cliche because we've both heard them all.
Do call your doctor to discuss and ask for the syringes I described above.
Do try them to see if your anxiety and pain descrease.
Do count to five when giving injections.
Do write back and participate in this forum.
Do try to gain some of the weight back if you can.
My best wishes to you,
Joe
Palmer
FuzeonSupport@yahoogroups.com wrote:
Hi every one,
My name is Michael. I am an artist and my life is typical of all
those manic, mental, sexually frustrated artist you should have read
about in Art History. I have suffered major depression since before I
knew it existed. My first suicide attempt was at age 12. I have a
borderline personality, not to mention being a masochist; at which
point is may seem odd that I might make a post complaining about
stabbing myself with a needle twice a day.
I started fuzeon 30 Sept 2006 and already have hard thick skin
around my abdomen, which is where my only "fatty" tissue really is.
Before I started fuzeon I dropped all of my "fat" from 165 lb to 130
lb. I was told by the fuzeon support team in my town that it would be
difficult to work with but that they thought it was possible to
inject. I've read and been told that this thick hard skin would not
happen for a few years, but like all of my life I am a rare oddity. I
have discussed this situation with many medical professionals but
just need to vent a little bit. These injections hurt! Frustrating me
too is the fact that the injected fuzeon runs out after I inject, not
all of it but enough to make me worry. I am so filled with anxiety
over the situation that I end up crying for half an hour before each
injection.
I am at the point that I knew that I would come to where I ask
myself, "is this really worth it"? I've been here several times since
I told myself in 1985 after being infected with HIV by my doctor,
that I would not ever take any HIV meds. I don't really have a
problem with dying. It is natural just like homosexuality. I started
taking meds – staying alive for those I love. How can one choose
their own comfort over the emotional strife of others? Lately I have
caught myself being very angry hateful and hurtful to those whom I am
trying to keep myself alive for, bitter resentment. I know it is
ultimately my decision. How long do I want to ride this
rollercoaster? The other side of this is that since 1985, like most
of you, I have been told repeatedly "you're going to die." So every
couple of years I go through the process of rewriting a will and
giving away my possessions so I don't have to worry about whether or
not my wishes are carried out. My will is generally just a re issue
of leaving my body to forensic anthropology department at The
University of Tennessee, and any worldly possessions to my lover. I
have failed regime after regime of meds. Just as I reaccept my fate
the doctors present me with a new possible solution. I fight it so
hard, but I cannot refuse when I see the pain in my lover's eyes. He
is the most being I have ever met. We have found each other through
many lifetimes and in this life time I began to remember his face
when I was 7 years old.
It is just that after dying this for 22 years, I'm tired of it. I've
quit playing responsible, which has left my lover working overtime to
make sure were not falling behind. That means he is working more and
more away from me. We are losing our relationship. I find it sad and
at the same time hope it will make it easier for me to make the
decision to end my life. With this thinking how can I even be worthy
of the thirteen years we have shared? I guess that is what keeps me
trying, the fear that if I do leave him willingly that I will break
the cycle of existence and I wont find him in the next life.
I don't know what I expect from this post. I just had put these
thoughts somewhere.
Michael
My name is Michael. I am an artist and my life is typical of all
those manic, mental, sexually frustrated artist you should have read
about in Art History. I have suffered major depression since before I
knew it existed. My first suicide attempt was at age 12. I have a
borderline personality, not to mention being a masochist; at which
point is may seem odd that I might make a post complaining about
stabbing myself with a needle twice a day.
I started fuzeon 30 Sept 2006 and already have hard thick skin
around my abdomen, which is where my only "fatty" tissue really is.
Before I started fuzeon I dropped all of my "fat" from 165 lb to 130
lb. I was told by the fuzeon support team in my town that it would be
difficult to work with but that they thought it was possible to
inject. I've read and been told that this thick hard skin would not
happen for a few years, but like all of my life I am a rare oddity. I
have discussed this situation with many medical professionals but
just need to vent a little bit. These injections hurt! Frustrating me
too is the fact that the injected fuzeon runs out after I inject, not
all of it but enough to make me worry. I am so filled with anxiety
over the situation that I end up crying for half an hour before each
injection.
I am at the point that I knew that I would come to where I ask
myself, "is this really worth it"? I've been here several times since
I told myself in 1985 after being infected with HIV by my doctor,
that I would not ever take any HIV meds. I don't really have a
problem with dying. It is natural just like homosexuality. I started
taking meds – staying alive for those I love. How can one choose
their own comfort over the emotional strife of others? Lately I have
caught myself being very angry hateful and hurtful to those whom I am
trying to keep myself alive for, bitter resentment. I know it is
ultimately my decision. How long do I want to ride this
rollercoaster? The other side of this is that since 1985, like most
of you, I have been told repeatedly "you're going to die." So every
couple of years I go through the process of rewriting a will and
giving away my possessions so I don't have to worry about whether or
not my wishes are carried out. My will is generally just a re issue
of leaving my body to forensic anthropology department at The
University of Tennessee, and any worldly possessions to my lover. I
have failed regime after regime of meds. Just as I reaccept my fate
the doctors present me with a new possible solution. I fight it so
hard, but I cannot refuse when I see the pain in my lover's eyes. He
is the most being I have ever met. We have found each other through
many lifetimes and in this life time I began to remember his face
when I was 7 years old.
It is just that after dying this for 22 years, I'm tired of it. I've
quit playing responsible, which has left my lover working overtime to
make sure were not falling behind. That means he is working more and
more away from me. We are losing our relationship. I find it sad and
at the same time hope it will make it easier for me to make the
decision to end my life. With this thinking how can I even be worthy
of the thirteen years we have shared? I guess that is what keeps me
trying, the fear that if I do leave him willingly that I will break
the cycle of existence and I wont find him in the next life.
I don't know what I expect from this post. I just had put these
thoughts somewhere.
Michael
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