Hi every one,
My name is Michael. I am an artist and my life is typical of all
those manic, mental, sexually frustrated artist you should have read
about in Art History. I have suffered major depression since before I
knew it existed. My first suicide attempt was at age 12. I have a
borderline personality, not to mention being a masochist; at which
point is may seem odd that I might make a post complaining about
stabbing myself with a needle twice a day.
I started fuzeon 30 Sept 2006 and already have hard thick skin
around my abdomen, which is where my only "fatty" tissue really is.
Before I started fuzeon I dropped all of my "fat" from 165 lb to 130
lb. I was told by the fuzeon support team in my town that it would be
difficult to work with but that they thought it was possible to
inject. I've read and been told that this thick hard skin would not
happen for a few years, but like all of my life I am a rare oddity. I
have discussed this situation with many medical professionals but
just need to vent a little bit. These injections hurt! Frustrating me
too is the fact that the injected fuzeon runs out after I inject, not
all of it but enough to make me worry. I am so filled with anxiety
over the situation that I end up crying for half an hour before each
injection.
I am at the point that I knew that I would come to where I ask
myself, "is this really worth it"? I've been here several times since
I told myself in 1985 after being infected with HIV by my doctor,
that I would not ever take any HIV meds. I don't really have a
problem with dying. It is natural just like homosexuality. I started
taking meds – staying alive for those I love. How can one choose
their own comfort over the emotional strife of others? Lately I have
caught myself being very angry hateful and hurtful to those whom I am
trying to keep myself alive for, bitter resentment. I know it is
ultimately my decision. How long do I want to ride this
rollercoaster? The other side of this is that since 1985, like most
of you, I have been told repeatedly "you're going to die." So every
couple of years I go through the process of rewriting a will and
giving away my possessions so I don't have to worry about whether or
not my wishes are carried out. My will is generally just a re issue
of leaving my body to forensic anthropology department at The
University of Tennessee, and any worldly possessions to my lover. I
have failed regime after regime of meds. Just as I reaccept my fate
the doctors present me with a new possible solution. I fight it so
hard, but I cannot refuse when I see the pain in my lover's eyes. He
is the most being I have ever met. We have found each other through
many lifetimes and in this life time I began to remember his face
when I was 7 years old.

It is just that after dying this for 22 years, I'm tired of it. I've
quit playing responsible, which has left my lover working overtime to
make sure were not falling behind. That means he is working more and
more away from me. We are losing our relationship. I find it sad and
at the same time hope it will make it easier for me to make the
decision to end my life. With this thinking how can I even be worthy
of the thirteen years we have shared? I guess that is what keeps me
trying, the fear that if I do leave him willingly that I will break
the cycle of existence and I wont find him in the next life.
I don't know what I expect from this post. I just had put these
thoughts somewhere.

Michael