(satirical press release - feel free to circulate)

by Aliss Terpstra

 

The Departments of Health, Energy, Environment and Finance issued a joint statement today announcing a new government policy to provide local power generation, save millions of dollars in taxes, improve environmental and drinking water quality, and deliver a free dental health program. 

 

Officials said this policy would also reduce the wasteful and environmentally harmful consumption of bottled water which has been of mounting concern to many environmental and religious groups, and end the need for artificial water fluoridation which has become a contentious issue for some municipalities and Hollywood celebrities.

 

The new policy will help cities build small coal-fired power plants from low-cost Chinese design. These will provide electricity on demand during peak load times and allow electric cars to charge up cheaply overnight during off-peak demand. Coal is still plentiful in North America, and far cheaper than building nuclear plants or hydroelectric dams. Another advantage is that some models also accommodate the incineration of sewage biosolids and garbage with coal, solving several urban problems at once.

 

But the greatest advantage to burning coal in local power plants, said the officials, is to release natural fluoride to the urban air. When inhaled, the fluoride rapidly enters the bloodstream and is available to help the teeth resist decay with every breath, regardless of socioeconomic status. Mouth breathers, the homeless, and those who work outdoors will benefit most, but even people who breathe less than normal will finally get the fluoride they need. And unlike expensive water fluoridation schemes, it won't cost taxpayers anything.

 

Natural fluoride is found in air, water and soil everywhere but most people simply can't get enough through normal breathing, especially indoors where air is filtered and smoking is often discouraged. Fluoride also works in conjunction with Vitamin D from sun exposure. Tobacco is a good natural source of fluoride, and research shows that smokers generally have excellent false teeth, possibly from their frequent exposure to the sun during smoke breaks.

 

America's former President, Ronald Reagan, passed several environmental laws to encourage the release of natural fluoride. Most Public Health officials remained ignorant because the Health and Environment departments were unaware of each other's existence until the invention of the Internet. Officials were proud to say that this initiative, which unites all departments, is Reagan's grandchild by two generations of Bush after failed artificial insemination attempts with Canada through NAFTA.

 

Currently, fluoride is provided to the public by adding expensive industrial phosphate fertilizer waste to drinking water to boost the fluoride content up to twenty times higher than normal, yet it is not enough to prevent tooth decay. Coal burning provides much higher amounts of fluoride, especially during weather inversions, at no cost to the taxpayer, and without intrusive government control.

 

Some shipments of water fluoridation chemical contain so much arsenic that they do not meet drinking water standards and must be buried as environmentally hazardous toxic waste. However, arsenic released from coal burning does not have to meet drinking water standards.

 

Man-made fluoride chemicals must be carefully pumped through metering equipment costing millions of dollars, under strictly controlled conditions. Environmental and Health regulations require constant monitoring of the drinking water, waste water and downstream watershed effects by highly trained staff and advanced technology. The chemicals are known to accelerate the breakdown of water pumps, valves and pipes which must be replaced frequently and paid for by public taxes. The chemicals cause increased leaching of lead from infrastructure into water. Also, the addition of these expensive industrial waste chemicals in water does not seem to improve dental health, especially in poor children who drink soda instead of tap water because they are given free straws. 

 

Natural fluoride released from coal burning has none of the hidden costs or permanent water quality degradation associated with artificial water fluoridation. It is an idea that we can all embrace.

 

Members of the Polaris Institute, Food and Water Watch, the David Suzuki Foundation, the United Church of Canada and the Council of Canadians are delighted with the policy. They have all castigated the public for consuming bottled water instead of artificially fluoridated tap water.  Maude Barlow, author of bestselling books (Blue Gold, Blue Covenant) on the coming global water crisis, has decided that her next book will be called Blue in the Face. It will condemn bottled oxygen and the people with lung diseases who are driving us to the brink of atmospheric air depletion.