Married 26 yrs and been together 28 yrs. His abuse has worsened over the years
to the point of my filing for divorce last year. Then he stopped paying bills
and we almost last everything. He convinced me bankruptcy was the only
alternative. My attorney told me not to sign, but I was forced into it. Thus my
divorce was cancelled and my attorney quit, leaving me to stay with the a**hole
for 5  more yrs or until bankruptcy is over.
   He came home last night and saw the neighbor trying to cut tree limbs without
a ladder. He used to borrow ours. Hubby asked me why he didn't ask to borrow one
or even talk to him anymore. Well the reason is, his wife is my best friend and
they have seen how he treats me and my teen daughter. They do not respect him
any longer and frankly do not like him anymore. So I told him the reason, since
he kept pressing for an answer. That turned into him defending himself and
justifying his actions. They don't know him, don't know the truth, etc. Got to
the point of my having a panic/anxiety attack, him threatening to hit me, if I
was a man he would knock my lights out.{has done it before and went to jail
once}. Then since we were at it, daughter started yelling at me too. Turned into
a big fiasco. These men are really little boys needing a good spanking from
their mommy's. I do everything for him. He supports us by working, but that is
it. I am not able to work due to illness and
  have been a sahm since daughter was born. I am about to go nuts living like
this. what is one to do?
   Linda

zestforart@... wrote:

Dear Karin:

My VAH used to ask me the same questions over and over again, knowing I would
conscientiously and delicately try to answer them again and that it hurt me to
have to search for the nonoffensive words to do so, as if he was a child and
simply didn't understand.? The very asking of the same questions over and over
was a form of abuse to me, as the answer was always the same:? the reason I
don't feel comfortable giving you a juicy kiss is because you have insulted me
10 times today and disregarded my respectful wishes about our activities and
trivialized things that I have said from the depths of my soul, and when I once
in a blue moon point any of this out to you in a delicate way, you just defend
it and never seem to be sorry and do it again the next chance you get.? What is
so hard to understand about that, and why would any compassionate person have to
hear it more than once?

Zest







-----Original Message-----
From: Karin
To: End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Sun, 17 Feb 2008 12:52 pm
Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} struggling...

























Hi to all,



I've been logging on here for a few years now - posted once or

twice. I've been with my VA for over 28 years, married for almost

24. I didn't realize I was being verbally & emotionally abused until

about 4 years ago (how does that happen?) but now I reread a journal

I started 27 years ago and it's very apparent that it's been

happening since almost day 1.



My struggle is this: 2 weeks ago (Super Bowl Sunday) my VA blew - he

pressed every one of my buttons he could think of and kept at it. I

decided then and there that that was it. The next morning, I called

an attorney and by the following Friday had filed for divorce. I

told my VA 8 days ago and he got a letter informing him of such

action 5 days ago. I had no idea how he'd react and he was actually

relatively cool about things. He was a little angry, then pleading

some and then practical (well, we'll have to sell this and that and

split everything up).



Now he's started pleading with me to not go through with the

divorce. He says he'll do ANYTHING to make things right. He says

he'll change. He says he had no idea that he had pushed me to my

limit. He says he doesn't want to lose me and on and on.



It took me 28 years to muster up the courage to tell him and now I'm

beginning to think twice about it. I know he won't change...I know

it! But all this pleading forces me to tell him over and over again -

and it's so hard!



I'm just looking for a little support here - any wise words you can

share will be greatly appreciated.



Thank you in advance.





















________________________________________________________________________
More new features than ever. Check out the new AOL Mail ! -
http://webmail.aol.com


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Dear Heather

   this is so incredibly familiar!! I went through a similar thing with my VA
husband - I left last year after numerous fits of rage, screaming at me, getting
oh so angry at little things; called names I could never repeat and being told
over and over again that I was a "%$#& idiot."  When I left, I miraculously
became a 'saint' in his eyes.  He missed me oh so much, and he wanted me to come
home so we could 'fix' things.  He cried. He begged. He loved me. He was going
to stop drinking and go to counseling.  Well, I fell for it all.  I drove 1500
miles by myself, in the middle of winter, through snowy mountain passes with
temperatures below 0 to go home and 'fix' things.

   to make a long story shorter....NOTHING changed.  I tried to insist we go to
counseling (I suddenly became 'the idiot' again....) and I encouraged him to
stop drinking and get some help with that...it got worse!  Not better.  It was
an instant replay of all the things I ran from the first time, but the level of
anger had increased and the rage was more frequent.

   NOW, I planned, and packed, and made a clean getaway in Sept!  I again drove
1500 miles over the same mountain passes and have been working very hard to keep
that 1500 miles between me and my VA.  I don't talk to him on the phone, I don't
read his emails.  He knows what state I am living in, but doesn't know what
area.  I have no communication and my family has been asked to hang up on him if
he tries to contact them.  I am done.  I tried, and believed there was some
salvaging of the good parts of the relationship.  I was wrong.  He did not
change, he won't change, and I can't make him change...no matter what he 'said'
in all those emotional conversations.

   Once you have a moment to read all these threads, and many of the recommended
books, you might observe your VA's behavior at this point in your situation is
classic.  Be strong, and know that you must do what is right for you...

   I will light a candle for you and do stay safe!

   BB
   Deborah

   Heather Dickson <heather@...> wrote:
           Can anyone help me here? I've been married for 7 years, we have a 2
year old daughter. Before she was born we had some problems off and
on with his passive aggressive behavior and anger but I would put my
foot down and he'd change for a year or so, then something else would
trigger him and he'd be back to the way he was.
To makes things worse, he has a severe thyroid disorder that if not
controlled can cause symptoms of mental illness. He has refused to
take responsibility for it, and has also stopped taking his prozac
without telling me which ended up in him threatening to kill himself
and being taken to the ER by the police.

He's a mean, resentful, irritable, distant, person ever since our
daughter was born. It's a long story but I have given him many
warnings, books, and web sites to look at. I have told him I want to
leave for the last year and he always tells me he'll work on things
and then never does.

I have tried everything I could think of to get through to him that
this was not acceptable to me, and he would do nothing I asked of him
and wouldn't admit that he was being abusive.

Finally on Friday I told him that I wanted a divorce. He is now
staying with friends of ours. Since he left he has been acting
devastated, says he can't sleep or eat. He cries and cries on the
phone to me, and says that I'm so important to him.

He has suddenly had all these realizations about why he's abusive,
admits that he is and says he'll do whatever it takes to get me back
because he knows how much he hurt me. He has started to read a book I
gave him (I don't know if I should say the name of it here, is that
ok? It's not a P Evans book.)

He says he realizes that he has turned into his father and has told
me a lot of things about himself that he's never told me before.

I am just in shock. Why would you treat someone like crap for so long
and then suddenly insist that you love them so much? Why would he
withhold all this stuff from me for so long and then suddenly tell me
after I want a divorce?

He has asked me about eight times if I'll reconsider. He has asked me
if I will try a separation. He's going to see a psychologist and
promises he is going to get his thyroid levels and meds worked out.

I just don't know if I can do it, I don't know if I have anything
left inside of me to give him. Should I even bother with the trial
separation? Why does he keep crying and crying when he acted like he
didn't give a cr*p about me for the last two years?

Just to give you an idea of how cruel he is, when my brother left for
Iraq with the army I was crying and he acted like he was irritated.
He told me that I shouldn't be upset because "he's not dead yet."
He constantly gets irritated and upset and angry with me because we
have an "Unfair relationship" because I wasn't working until last
May. He thought that I should do absolutely everything in our
marriage, around the house and with dd and resented that I expected
him to help me.

Why does he suddenly want me? Why? I told him I don't believe that he
loves me, and that I think he's more worried about changing his
lifestyle and paying childsupport and having everyone know that he's
divorced.






---------------------------------
Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I truely know what you are going through. I moved my daughter and I out of the
house we own and shared with my VAH just a year ago. I thought I was on a roller
coaster when I lived there, and at first I thought I was finally off that roller
coaster when we first moved out. The last 11 mths. I know that I'm still on that
coaster just on a different car. My VAH sounds like yours. He continually tells
our daughter that he really loves me still, that he doesn't know why I'm doing
all this to him, that I'm trying to just take her away from him, etc. I don't
know how he can still love me, and treat me like the cr_p that he does too. What
he is really doing is feeding our daughter all this cr_p about how good he is,
and how I'm the one that's so bad in hopes that he can get her to turn on me.
See she turned 8 yrs old, and we have gone through the courts, a couple
mediations, child interview, and now have been going through a Full Custody
Evaluation since the beginning of June. We
  are towards the end of the Evaluation. Which means all we really have left is
the sessions our daughter has with the Evaluator (which is a Forensic
Psychologist), and home visits. So he is doing everything possible to win her
over (as since we moved out). He buys her everything, brings her everywhere
(when he never wanted to before, and spends the time with his family and our
daughter like he should have before. He's an alcoholic (well he said he quit
when we moved out, but nobody lives with him to see). So it's very hard to
believe that someone that drank as much as him for over 20 years can quit cold
turkey without support (AA, etc.) in less then a year.

   Anyway, I just want to advise you to be very cautious when you listen to his
pouring out his love for you, because I honestly don't think I'd believe it. But
it is very hard for me to know (as you would) if he is being honest or not. VA's
are sneaky in that way, and trap you back in with saying like these. So just be
cautious. You and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care,
and only you know what the next step will be.

   -Kathy

Heather Dickson <heather@...> wrote:
           Can anyone help me here? I've been married for 7 years, we have a 2
year old daughter. Before she was born we had some problems off and
on with his passive aggressive behavior and anger but I would put my
foot down and he'd change for a year or so, then something else would
trigger him and he'd be back to the way he was.
To makes things worse, he has a severe thyroid disorder that if not
controlled can cause symptoms of mental illness. He has refused to
take responsibility for it, and has also stopped taking his prozac
without telling me which ended up in him threatening to kill himself
and being taken to the ER by the police.

He's a mean, resentful, irritable, distant, person ever since our
daughter was born. It's a long story but I have given him many
warnings, books, and web sites to look at. I have told him I want to
leave for the last year and he always tells me he'll work on things
and then never does.

I have tried everything I could think of to get through to him that
this was not acceptable to me, and he would do nothing I asked of him
and wouldn't admit that he was being abusive.

Finally on Friday I told him that I wanted a divorce. He is now
staying with friends of ours. Since he left he has been acting
devastated, says he can't sleep or eat. He cries and cries on the
phone to me, and says that I'm so important to him.

He has suddenly had all these realizations about why he's abusive,
admits that he is and says he'll do whatever it takes to get me back
because he knows how much he hurt me. He has started to read a book I
gave him (I don't know if I should say the name of it here, is that
ok? It's not a P Evans book.)

He says he realizes that he has turned into his father and has told
me a lot of things about himself that he's never told me before.

I am just in shock. Why would you treat someone like crap for so long
and then suddenly insist that you love them so much? Why would he
withhold all this stuff from me for so long and then suddenly tell me
after I want a divorce?

He has asked me about eight times if I'll reconsider. He has asked me
if I will try a separation. He's going to see a psychologist and
promises he is going to get his thyroid levels and meds worked out.

I just don't know if I can do it, I don't know if I have anything
left inside of me to give him. Should I even bother with the trial
separation? Why does he keep crying and crying when he acted like he
didn't give a cr*p about me for the last two years?

Just to give you an idea of how cruel he is, when my brother left for
Iraq with the army I was crying and he acted like he was irritated.
He told me that I shouldn't be upset because "he's not dead yet."
He constantly gets irritated and upset and angry with me because we
have an "Unfair relationship" because I wasn't working until last
May. He thought that I should do absolutely everything in our
marriage, around the house and with dd and resented that I expected
him to help me.

Why does he suddenly want me? Why? I told him I don't believe that he
loves me, and that I think he's more worried about changing his
lifestyle and paying childsupport and having everyone know that he's
divorced.






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Can anyone help me here? I've been married for 7 years, we have a 2
year old daughter. Before she was born we had some problems off and
on with his passive aggressive behavior and anger but I would put my
foot down and he'd change for a year or so, then something else would
trigger him and he'd be back to the way he was.
To makes things worse, he has a severe thyroid disorder that if not
controlled can cause symptoms of mental illness. He has refused to
take responsibility for it, and has also stopped taking his prozac
without telling me which ended up in him threatening to kill himself
and being taken to the ER by the police.

He's a mean, resentful, irritable, distant, person ever since our
daughter was born. It's a long story but I have given him many
warnings, books, and web sites to look at. I have told him I want to
leave for the last year and he always tells me he'll work on things
and then never does.

I have tried everything I could think of to get through to him that
this was not acceptable to me, and he would do nothing I asked of him
and wouldn't admit that he was being abusive.

Finally on Friday I told him that I wanted a divorce. He is now
staying with friends of ours. Since he left he has been acting
devastated, says he can't sleep or eat. He cries and cries on the
phone to me, and says that I'm so important to him.

He has suddenly had all these realizations about why he's abusive,
admits that he is and says he'll do whatever it takes to get me back
because he knows how much he hurt me. He has started to read a book I
gave him (I don't know if I should say the name of it here, is that
ok? It's not a P Evans book.)

He says he realizes that he has turned into his father and has told
me a lot of things about himself that he's never told me before.

I am just in shock. Why would you treat someone like crap for so long
and then suddenly insist that you love them so much? Why would he
withhold all this stuff from me for so long and then suddenly tell me
after I want a divorce?

He has asked me about eight times if I'll reconsider. He has asked me
if I will try a separation. He's going to see a psychologist and
promises he is going to get his thyroid levels and meds worked out.

I just don't know if I can do it, I don't know if I have anything
left inside of me to give him. Should I even bother with the trial
separation? Why does he keep crying and crying when he acted like he
didn't give a cr*p about me for the last two years?

Just to give you an idea of how cruel he is, when my brother left for
Iraq with the army I was crying and he acted like he was irritated.
He told me that I shouldn't be upset because "he's not dead yet."
He constantly gets irritated and upset and angry with me because we
have an "Unfair relationship" because I wasn't working until last
May. He thought that I should do absolutely everything in our
marriage, around the house and with dd and resented that I expected
him to help me.

Why does he suddenly want me? Why? I told him I don't believe that he
loves me, and that I think he's more worried about changing his
lifestyle and paying childsupport and having everyone know that he's
divorced.

Thank you, Mary, and everyone else. I do appreciate the warm welcome.
I'm still trying to get a grasp on what's really happening in my
life, and feeling pretty dazed, lost, in denial some, I'm
sure....asking myself; can this really be happening?? I know it CAN,
I just don't want it to be. Typical, I know. Trying to think straight
enough to work things out in my mind, figure out what I want/need to
do next, IF this is even really as bad as it seems. I fear that my
perspective is so clouded by the hurt I feel, I'm not really sure
what to make of anything. Just getting through each day as best I can
until I work things out for myself.

I'll warn you all; this is going to be LONG. lol.

My situation may be a bit different than most. I'm honestly not sure
if it does fit into a verbal abuse catagory. Abuse or neglect of some
sort, I'm sure. This is where I need you guys/someone to tell me from
an outside perspective, okay?  I do know that what happens from time
to time between my b/f and I isn't right, and I'm trapped here, no
way to get out if I want to, no friends because I've dedicated my
entire life to this place for the past 3 years since "we" bought the
farm. And I've never had an actual paycheck of any kind because I
thought we were going to get married some day. Trusted that when he
said that "some day"...it would come in time and the money part would
take care of itself. He doesn't deny me anything, exactly. In fact, I
have his visa and use it at will pretty much, but I dont' abuse it. I
use it for household needs mostly, not for myself. Part of the
problem with this system NOW is that...well, I found a piece of paper
in his pocket a few days ago while doing laundry, called it to see
who it was, and a woman answered. The number had an area code to it
that was for the area his old farm was before we moved. I think he's
trying to reconnect with an old flame, and..I dont' know... replace
me? I feel like nothing more than a workhorse. I can never get away
from this place because of the hours, and if I try, it causes issues
with us. I go grocery shopping once every three weeks, and I take the
pets in for their regular vet visits and emergencies.  There's so
much to my "story", I'm sorry if I backtrack and confuse. Please bare
with me.

He seems so discompassionate. I have a disease that he's known about
since we met, before I moved in with him. And I told him about this
problem, how it affects my health, how it can be very difficult for
me to function sometimes, and that he may contract it, too. Gave him
a chance to run if he wanted to. At the time, he loved me enough to
say "we'll be okay", and hold me. Then I moved in with him...after
dating for 5 months. Everything seemed so perfect then. But almost as
soon as I got all settled in, he started to withdraw his affections.
First the hugging stopped. He spent more time hugging and showing
affection to our dogs.  Then the kisses slowly ebbed away. Then I
found out he'd had a HUGE collection of porn on his computer. At
first, I tried to make myself believe it didn't bother me. But then
it really did start to affect my self esteem. I put things together
and realized that he was looking at the porn in the early morning
before heading out to work, coming into the bedroom to "visit me" for
a quickie before leaving. So, it's like he was using the images to
get himself aroused, then just using me for his release...? wtf? Is
that just MY perspective?? or would that bother any of the rest of
you? I told him the porn had to go, and he got mad, but removed it
from the computer. But then I found out later that he had disks of
it..lots of them. They're still with him, although I don't think he
looks at them all that much anymore, and I've become numb to it.
Then, one day I was cleaning, and found a pair of women's panties in
a drawer...and asked him to get rid of them, asked why didnt'he get
rid of them before I moved IN?? He got mad and said YOU get rid of
them!! Like I was making too much of it. This hurt, a lot. THEN,
another cleaning spree led me to find a bedsheet in a closet, stuffed
in there all willy-nilly...with a huge spot of blood on it! Fresh
blood. Not like it'd been there for years. Maybe as much as a month
or so before I moved in. So, again, I'm insulted and hurt and ask him
why he couldn't have gotten rid of THAT before I moved in!! Huge
fight. Life sucked at that time. We got over it and moved on for
awhile, but my heart was broken all the same. Then I really screwed
up. I was so hurt, I started to think like "hey, if HE can do it,
then why can't I??" ...have some "fun", that is. So, um...I was
flirting with a guy online. And my b/f found out, confronted me, and
we almost broke up. We didn't break up; we ended up moving from that
farm to this one, bought this place 3 years ago and have been here
ever since. But the move from there was HARD!! His 43 years of living
there (was his family's farm since he was a baby) meant a hell of a
lot of accumulation. We did major repairs to that house to get it up
to speed for selling, with ME doing most of the drywall work and
painting, then after the sale we were winding down the packing and he
had to leave, had to be here at the new farm to close and take over
the milking on closing day! So, I'm left behind to finish up all the
rest of the work, clean the place as best I can, busting my a$$ to
finish packing the semi truck we bought, dealing with a car battery
that didn't want to stay charged up, ....oh so much stress! Then I
drove the 165 miles to the new farm, showed up ready for a hug
because I missed him, and he couldn't be bothered. Now, over the
course of the past 3 years, I've busted my hump a lot more, and at
one point I got tired of not having my own money..so I said I wanted
to go get an outside job. He said it would be better for us to find
more work here on the farm for me to do..so I went along with that
(still thinking wedding bells are gonna ring some day...duh me).
Well, about 2 months ago, I'd had enough waiting and wondering. So I
asked him how he really felt about things, are we really going to get
married some day, or what?? Just be honest with me. He was. He said
he didn't think we get along well enough to get married. I'm still
dumbfounded. We can LIVE together for 6 years and that's okay??? What
IS that?? All my friends are flabbergasted, too. (online friends,
btw). I don't have any real friends around here because I'm too busy
to get out to make them! I can't take classes like I'd like to, can't
get away to go swimming...can't make my own money...then I think he
might be cheating on me in one form or another, yet he expects me to
keep showing up for chores without fail 7 days a week, even when I'm
sick. He's almost completely devoid of compassion. If I hurt myself,
he NEVER asks if I'm okay. Not once in 6 years. Nor does he apologize
for his wrongdoings. He holds all the cards, and he knows it. The
farm is in HIS name...all I have are a couple of household bills with
my name on them, too.  Now this year, I want to celebrate Christmas
like we always have. I asked him what he wants. He says "dont' really
need anything". I said, hon, that's not the point.
"Nah, I'd rather save the money". We are not poor!! And I'm not
materialistic, either. He's taking away everything that means
anything to me, and doesn't seem to care how it's affecting my life.
Also, while we still lived at the other farm, we had 3 cars, and
insurance was mandatory. One of those cars was mine, but I signed it
over to him so he could put it under his insurance and save us
money...again, I went along with it because I thought, no problem,
we'll be getting married some day anyway. NOT! He says now that he's
never said it'll never happen. But that's after I'd asked him one
more time and this time he said "it's a possibility".  I'm almost at
the point where I dont' want it to anymore, anyway. My life is in the
crapper, kind of. I do have my animals, and I have things to do that
make me happy when I have a little free time in the middle of the
day. I'm not exactly being kept prisoner against my will, but I don't
have any freedom to make my own choices, either. And I wonder all the
time what's going to happen to ME if something happens to HIM??? If
he died tomorrow (very heavy smoker), what will happen to me?? I want
to call a lawyer at this point and ask what recourse I would have in
the case of his untimely death. BUT, I'm almost scared to take that
step. It feels like, once I do, there'll be no turning back. Karma,
you know?? Also, there's the lack of funds for me to pay a lawyer
with.

So, to sum it up, I guess I need help with legal questions; what my
rights are, can I make him pay for my legal expenses if I want to
take him to court to make him pay me something for all the work I've
done over the years, what are the laws in Wisconsin for ...I
dunno..would it be considered palimony?? I've heard someone had sued
someone else for that in a similar situation as mine and they won.
And if there's another woman behind the scenes, can I do something to
fend her off? Like, maybe similar to another case I've heard of
pertaining to alienation of affection....? Does anyone know? Any good
leads?? Ideas? What would any one of you do if in the same
situation?  We live in a very rural area, with only a few small towns
scattered about, and even fewer choices for legal aid. And as I've
said, I have no money of my own right now. I plan to look into
shelters just in case things really go bad around here.

Btw, I was saving some money over the course of about a year,
gathering up any one dollar bills I could, and stashing them away,
and I think he stole it from me. I can't prove it...but my instincts
say he did. Nothing else makes sense. And I know if I confronted him
about it, it would be nothing but pure misery around here, and I
can't have that right now...I have NO PLACE to go.

Lastly, I want to say that he says he DOES love me, and wants to grow
old with me, etc...but in some ways, that coupled with the other
stuff, the negative crap, just confuses me more. Does anyone know how
it feels to get so scared, so hurt, that you just go numb and can't
function?? That's me lately.


The end. lol.
Thanks in advance for any help.

Beth





--- In End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com, "Mary Canfield"
<marycanfield@...> wrote:
>
> Hi Beth and welcome.  Hey, there's no rush.  You don't have to rush
to any
> decisions.  There are many here who have a wealth of knowledge and
resources.
> Take your time, take in what you need and make the decisions that
are right
> for you...in your own time. -Mary-
>
> ------ Original Message ------
> Received: Sun, 25 Nov 2007 07:09:08 AM PST
> From: "Beth" <beth63@...>
> To: End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com
> Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} New here, need some advice/help
>
> I just read the verbal abuse quick reference guide, and it hit me
> pretty hard that there are so many things on there that apply to my
> life. I'm desperate for some guidance, advice, leads to resources
to
> help get myself out of this situation.
>
> I didn't realize I'd be accepted to the group automatically, this
is
> nice.
>
> I have to get out to work now (we farm), but I'll check back later
and
> give more details. Just kind of...testing the waters here, if you
> will.
>
> Beth
>

Jessika, the way your bf is treating you isn't right.  He's just trying to put
you down and make you feel badly about yourself.  If you're so ugly, then why
is he with you.  And, if you've gained weight, it's most likely, in part,
because of the way you're being treated. ((((HUGS))))

P.S. To me, he's the one who is ugly (and I'm not talking about the outside
packaging)...

------ Original Message ------
Received: Sun, 25 Nov 2007 10:50:41 AM PST
From: Metal Chick <metalchick_666_2007@...>
To: <end_verbal_abuse@yahoogroups.com>
Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} This hurts


There's alot that my bf is mad about and I can't control it.  I've been having
chest pains and I don't think he really cares.  He says that he dosen't want
to be with me.  He trashes me all the time by saying how he's so  beautiful.
He isn't ugly on the outside.   But he constantly puts me down. I know I'm
ugly and fat and he hates to say it.    I have to lose 40 lbs or more to reach
my goal weight and maybe he'll love me or actually care that I'm still alive.
I'm a recovering anorexic and bulimic who's going through a very hard time..

Jessika

Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit

_________________________________________________________________
You keep typing, we keep giving. Download Messenger and join the i’m
Initiative now.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




Yahoo! Groups Links

It is important for a person to love him or herself for who she is. I know that
I have to remember that as well. Thin or fat you have to love yourself for who
you are, and if you want to lose weight it has to be because you care about your
body not because you are afraid of losing your boyfriend.

Julie


  ----- Original Message ----
From: Metal Chick <metalchick_666_2007@...>
To: end_verbal_abuse@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Sunday, November 25, 2007 12:31:34 PM
Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} This hurts


There's alot that my bf is mad about and I can't control it.  I've been having
chest pains and I don't think he really cares.  He says that he dosen't want to
be with me.  He trashes me all the time by saying how he's so  beautiful.  He
isn't ugly on the outside.  But he constantly puts me down. I know I'm ugly and
fat and he hates to say it.    I have to lose 40 lbs or more to reach my goal
weight and maybe he'll love me or actually care that I'm still alive. I'm a
recovering anorexic and bulimic who's going through a very hard time..

Jessika

Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit

_________________________________________________________________
You keep typing, we keep giving. Download Messenger and join the iĂÎ
Initiative now.
http://im.live.com/messenger/im/home/?source=TAGLM

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]




Yahoo! Groups Links



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi Beth and welcome.  Hey, there's no rush.  You don't have to rush to any
decisions.  There are many here who have a wealth of knowledge and resources.
Take your time, take in what you need and make the decisions that are right
for you...in your own time. -Mary-

------ Original Message ------
Received: Sun, 25 Nov 2007 07:09:08 AM PST
From: "Beth" <beth63@...>
To: End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com
Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} New here, need some advice/help

I just read the verbal abuse quick reference guide, and it hit me
pretty hard that there are so many things on there that apply to my
life. I'm desperate for some guidance, advice, leads to resources to
help get myself out of this situation.

I didn't realize I'd be accepted to the group automatically, this is
nice.

I have to get out to work now (we farm), but I'll check back later and
give more details. Just kind of...testing the waters here, if you
will.

Beth

Dear angelswings19, welcome!  Your being here is a great first step.  Learn
all you can about your situation and the abuse you're experiencing.  Then, you
will be better equipped to make some decisions.  Unless you are in physical
danger, I don't think there's any rush to any decisions.  Take your time and
do what's best for you and your child. ((((HUGS))))

------ Original Message ------
Received: Sun, 25 Nov 2007 07:09:44 AM PST
From: "angelswings19" <angelswings19@...>
To: End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com
Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} advice

i need some advice.my husband is mentally abusive.he says mean things
to me and my/our 4 yr old child. i have contacted a lawyer to see what
i can do and what my rights are.but on fri nov 23rd he went and bought
a mother's ring for me for xmas.i know cause i was there.my question
is,what should i do? should i go ahead and talk to the lawyer or just
forget about it? we have been married 8 yrs in april 08,and he has
thrown me and my child out 3x now and it never fails from the end of
oct to dec. and again in feb and april he pulls his baby fits or
whatever you want to call it.he is a pathalogical liar and im at the
point to where i cant stand his perfectness.please help. thanks.

There's alot that my bf is mad about and I can't control it.  I've been having
chest pains and I don't think he really cares.  He says that he dosen't want to
be with me.  He trashes me all the time by saying how he's so  beautiful.  He
isn't ugly on the outside.   But he constantly puts me down. I know I'm ugly and
fat and he hates to say it.    I have to lose 40 lbs or more to reach my goal
weight and maybe he'll love me or actually care that I'm still alive. I'm a
recovering anorexic and bulimic who's going through a very hard time..

Jessika

Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit

_________________________________________________________________
You keep typing, we keep giving. Download Messenger and join the i’m Initiative
now.
http://im.live.com/messenger/im/home/?source=TAGLM

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

I can related to the Martyer Man in some ways. Although I know yelling and
screaming at others is wrong, I notice there are certain instances in which it
is hard for me to control my anger.

I often felt controlled by my last boyfriend. In fact, just the other day I felt
like I didn't even have the right to decide to sleep for a few hours before sex.
Then, after sex he kept bugging me to eat cheese bread which I didn't want
because I was trying to not eat again until morning.

I know I didn't need to get so angry, and I am ashamed of it (as I did yell and
scream at him demanding "respect".) I just wish I knew there was some other way
to deal with a man who asks me five times if I want something (the cheese bread,
sex, whatever) and when I say no it is not respected-that is without having to
leave him.

If I had a car at the time I would have went straight home before getting into a
rage. But, I don't know how to control my anger in a situation where I feel
trapped. I couldn't get away until morning. I didn't have any money for a cab
and I couldn't take the bus in the middle of the night.)

It's hard to know for sure whether a guy is playing games with me or if he is
just made an honest mistake. Or if he is just extremely insensitive.

All I know is I realize sometimes that I let a relationship go on a lot longer
than I should-to the point where I hate myself and the other individual so much
that I don't care about right and wrong any more.

The only thing I can think of is that I am robbing myself of true joy by
allowing myself to be unhappy. I know that I need to take care of myself and not
worry about that other person. I have decided I just want to be alone.

Julie


Goodbye Martyr Man
by By Melinda H.

Rant of the month! Some offensive language.

This is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote (but never sent, because he
doesn't need more of my attention) to a manipulative jerk who is no longer part
of my life. I am sending it on to you, in the hope that my experience could help
someone else gain the mental clarity needed to broom some manipulator ass to the
curb.

<begin rant>

Dear Martyr Man,

You will always be the victim, in every situation where someone tries to get
close to you. You cannot relate to women as equals. You look for a strong-willed
woman, latch on to her, but envy her strength and ability to express herself
openly, so you attack her in vicious little ways. Ways so subtle that you can
easily and convincingly deny any wrongdoing and make HER look like the crazy one
for even suspecting that you are a passive-aggressive game player.

You played similar games with women before, and this was a chief motivator for
their anger and "abuse" towards you. If they struck you physically, that was not
right, but when you paint yourself as a martyr, you *always* fail to mention the
emotional and psychological abuse you were inflicting on THEM.

That's right, Martyr. You are an abuser. You. Poor little cringing, eternally
victimized you.

"But abusers scream, yell and hit, and I never do that!" you protest. "I'm not
that way at all. I don't have the anger gene. I am completely incapable of
anger."

What you are incapable of is the truth. But I am capable of the truth and here
it is.

You ARE capable of anger. In fact, you are a very angry person, as your father
before you must have also been - he is clearly the one upon whom you have
modeled your behavior. Like him, you were too intimidated by other people to
express your anger openly, so you nursed your rage in secret and struck out
instead in subtle little ways. If you were asked to do something, you made sure
you "forgot" repeatedly or did a poor job. You no doubt carry this behavior on
in your work and it is the reason most of the other employees don't like you.
People tend not to like someone who does not do his share of the work and is
sullen and resistant to new ideas. They are probably tired of your constant
subterfuge and backstabbing. No doubt you also play the divide-and-conquer game,
playing people off against one another.

You haven't said much about your mother, but I'll make a few educated guesses.
She was a strong-willed woman who dominated you and your father, and you both
resented it, but neither of you ever told her so directly. Neither of you had
the courage to assert yourselves openly. So you both "got even" with her by
lying, false promises, "forgetting" or otherwise sabotaging things she asked you
to do, and/or withholding your attention and love. Your casual remark about what
you did with her books after her death was quite breathtaking in its
heartlessness.

Your mother was a model for how you view women today. As I have previously said,
you go after women with strong, assertive personalities, because they fit your
mother's model and because you admire them for the qualities that you yourself
lack. However, you also hate them because they are strong and you are weak.
Because you cannot assert yourself openly, you play psychological games designed
to break them down, subvert their will, and subtly - invisibly - assert YOUR
control.

That's right, Martyr Man. You want control. You are not able to control yourself
and so you are controlled by others - but you resent it. So you get a feeling of
control by manipulating situations with a deft, invisible hand. You "forget"
that a woman asked you to do something. You "forget" NOT to do something she
finds hurtful or disrespectful.

You remember to do the things YOU enjoy and want to do, and your friends think
you're a great guy - the kind of guy who would do anything for his friends! (Of
course you would - your reputation depends on maintaining an appearance of
kindness and willingness, and anyone who doesn't know you WELL would say what a
nice guy you are - you would do anything to maintain that image). But when your
partner asks you to do something, you suddenly lose your memory. You wander off
and fail to return, leaving her to wonder where the hell you are, getting off on
her discomfort and distress. If she does something you REALLY don't like, such
as attempt to leave you, you hint around at suicide and disappear, leaving her
to agonize for days over your fate. Really, you're off hanging out with your
buddies and drinking and having fun, but she doesn't need to know that, does
she?

No doubt she has noticed the fact that after your initial, highly romantic and
complimentary approach, you do a complete about-face once she's "hooked" - like
Jerkily and Hyde. Once she's in a relationship with you, the kind and gentle and
loving courtship behavior ceases, and the passive-aggressive battle begins.
First, you begin by slowly and subtly creating distance between you - by
spending less time with her every day (always her fault, because of something
SHE did...) withholding your attention and affection, making sure she gets the
message that your friends, your other interests, EVERYTHING else are more
important to you than the person you called the love of your life. When she
challenges you about this behavior, you deny it, and make her out to be
irrational and crazy for even suspecting it. After all, the success of a
passive-aggressive campaign depends on secrecy and camouflage.

You lie easily, leaving out little details like a wife you haven't yet legally
severed ties to, and children that you almost never see. You haven't got a
divorce, and you won't, because even though you hate your wife, you feel chained
to her. You are dependent on her. It's a parasitic relationship. No doubt she
was angry with you because you provoked her, getting a charge out of her
frustration and rage, and taking full opportunity to twist the situation around
until you could make yourself out to be the victim. I haven't the faintest doubt
you have cheated on her many times and lied to her many times, and that was the
real cause of the attack that so wounded you emotionally. You brought it on
yourself, but you won't admit that part. She's completely evil, in your little
fairy tale, and you are the innocent little lamb, incapable of even the
slightest twinge of anger.

Every human being on this planet feels anger. You yourself have expressed anger
many times to me, not the least of which was your last letter. Yet, you still
cling to this desperate delusion that you are incapable of anger.

That's a lie, Mr. Martyr. One of many.

Lies undermine the trust that is vital to all relationships. But you don't care
about that as long as you can feel in control. Even when control comes at the
expense of love, and that is sad.

Nobody can get close to you, Martyr Man. You'll let them within a certain
distance, but then you are frightened by intimacy and of your will being
sublimated to another's because deep down inside you know you are not strong
enough to assert your own will openly and directly. No wonder you hate
bluntness, straightforwardness, truth. Those things rob you of your defense
mechanisms and make you feel naked and helpless. You cannot trust another
person. Instead, you use passive-aggressive techniques to distance yourself from
others and gain control over them. You wither under direct confrontation, but
when you are able to operate undetected, you are a cruel and effective bully.

Games You Play:

1. The forgetting game:

You are asked to do something you don't want to do. Instead of saying no, you
either "forget" about it or sabotage it so badly that the results are useless.
You enjoy the frustration this causes others - this is your sneaky way of
asserting yourself and controlling the situation from behind the scenes.

2. The withholding game:

Once in a relationship with someone, you begin to selectively withhold your time
and affection. The other person senses this pulling away and asks about it. You
deny it. But you let them know, indirectly, that many other things are more
important to you than they are - your friends, your work, your opera DVDs. You
let them know this by leaving their company to pursue these interests without
telling them you are doing so. You enjoy the feeling of being in control,
knowing you have falsely promised someone your attention later in the evening
and knowing you have no intention of fulfilling that promise. You will "forget"
to come back, and enjoy your evening alone knowing you are ruining someone
else's. When the person confronts you about this treatment, you will act put out
at the suggestion that your actions should live up to your words. You just can't
remember to keep your promises! But you always remember the score you needed to
finish, the DVD you
  needed to watch, the book you needed to read, the friends who needed your help.
You know full well that this will have the effect of making your partner feel
small and insignificant, and that's just the way you like your partner to feel -
that way she will be more dependent on you, desperate for your attention, and
under your control.

3. The lying game:

Lies roll smoothly off your tongue whenever you are confronted about your
behavior and/or something you failed to mention about your past, such as being
currently married and the father of two children (now that is a big thing to
"forget", even if you alienated them so badly that they don't want to spend any
time with you any more). Lying by omission is lying, pure and simple. But you
didn't lie on purpose, you claim. No, you just forgot, or your emotional pain
was so great that you just couldn't bear to tell the truth!

4. The deflecting game:

Partner becoming suspicious of your lies? No matter, just deflect the attention!
Change the subject, wander off, or start ruthlessly (and falsely) putting
yourself down so that she won't have the heart to be "mean" enough to pursue the
matter any further. If she persists, then you play:

5. The martyr game:

This is your favorite game of all. This game allows you to escape responsibility
for anything and everything by invoking your status as the most misunderstood,
mistreated, helpless and victimized martyr who ever walked the earth. Nobody
understands you or your pain! Don't they see that being a victim completely
justifies the way you turn around and become a victimizer at will? Nobody could
ever suspect poor little abused, tormented you of torpedoing relationships.

Nobody could expect such an innocent little lamb of deliberately causing
emotional and psychological damage to others. Why, look at the way he cries and
curls up into a helpless little ball when confronted (and when the lying and
deflecting games don't work)! He could never harm ANYONE. He's so broken up over
all the deaths in his family, even though they occurred YEARS ago and EVERYONE
has to deal with death at some point in their lives. Broken up over the death of
his friend, so much that he can't be held responsible for any of his lying,
manipulative behavior. Because no one else ever suffered the way he has
suffered. The Martyr has no pity or compassion for anyone else, since he saves
it all for himself.

6. The superior game:

Unlike all the other people on Earth, you're incapable of anger. You're a
regular Gandhi, full of kindness and respect for all, and it's such a tragedy
that other people feel the need to get angry at you. You'd never push someone's
buttons until they responded in anger and then deny any wrongdoing, setting them
up to look like the emotional, crazy one. You'd never get satisfaction out of a
nasty little game like that, because you're too superior. You're also superior
to the rest of the world culturally - nobody is as sensitive and artistic as
you, and nobody appreciates your kind of music, or appreciates it at such a
lofty level. You especially love to pull this routine after you've seriously
pissed somebody off. You respond with calm politeness - calm of course, since
you have got the angry/upset reaction you were aiming for - and double-whammy
the person by showing them how YOU never get angry because you are too superior
a person to be capable of
  anger. If someone shows any personality trait that could be considered a flaw,
you pull this same routine and let them know that YOU are incapable of such
personality flaws, because YOU are so much better than they are.

No wonder you're so angry at being unmasked publicly. Your games depend on your
victim not knowing what's going on.

You are not interested in confronting your problems or getting any help for
them. You'd rather just float through life like a spineless jellyfish, stinging
anyone who ventures too near. Your behavior patterns are firmly entrenched and
you are too old to change.

I have no doubt you will continue this behavior pattern with the next woman you
meet, and you will continue it until you drive her away, too. You like to drive
women away - like to get them so fed up that they leave. That feeds your
sickness in a number of ways:

it takes the burden of decision-making off of YOU;

it enables you to play the martyr over being left by this cruel, horrible woman;
it gets you sympathy from your next prospect.

You like hurting other people and you have no intention of changing. And that's
why I left you.

And don't bother with the "I'm a wonderful sensitive human being who would never
cause anyone harm; you've misunderstood me". Oh no. I have not. I have
understood you at last.

I understand now how you messed with my mind and made me even fear for my own
sanity, how you exploited me emotionally, how you hurt me to the point where I
actually felt suicidal. I notice the neat sidestepping from any responsibility
by you, how you discredit my (real) pain as a fake attempt to manipulate you. No
wonder you would think this. It's called PROJECTION. It's what YOU would do in
such a situation, so you project your own screwed up motives onto others.

For someone who is so wounded, so sensitive, so compassionate, so victimized, so
gentle - your letters bristle with anger, threats, and nastiness. I thought you
were incapable of such things, Gandhi. And you sure are lacking in any
compassion at all for the women you've tormented - you have none for your wife
and you have none for me. And no doubt you'll have none for your next victim.

You chose your life, and you choose to be this way. You choose it every day. You
could change, and learn to be a person of truth, strength and integrity, but you
choose not to. It's easier to sit in your shit and cry about how you are
victimized while you are busy victimizing others. This is the life you've
chosen. You have chosen to be unhappy, and to inflict unhappiness on others.

And *I* have chosen to kick your ass to the curb. Goodbye, Martyr Man, and good
riddance.

<end rant>

Sincerely,

Melinda H.


"Next to a circus, there ain't nothing that packs up
and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."
- Frank McKinney Hubbard








Check out AOL Money & Finance's list of the hottest products and top money
wasters of 2007.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

LOL!  Hilarious...

------ Original Message ------
Received: Sat, 24 Nov 2007 08:56:24 AM PST
From: AZTerri@...
To: CoDependents@yahoogroups.com, End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com
Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} A Politically Correct Christmas Story



A POLITICALLY  CORRECT CHRISTMAS STORY
'Twas the  night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a  world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would  answer to "Elves."
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling  themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
were  alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had  vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the  Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and  Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know  that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his  sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And  people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled  noises on their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had his  workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called  "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's  ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his  nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in overdue compensation.
So, half of the  reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough  of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in  a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for  the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice  could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of  fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to  aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of  noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing  that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or  non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the  tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy  tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better  off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No  baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing  sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and  should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just  could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry,  tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word  today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing  fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed,  a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or  the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every  hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift,  it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy  peace on Earth.
Author  Unknown  (http://www.theweddingwordsmith.com.au/)



"Next to a circus, there ain't nothing that packs  up
and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."
-  Frank McKinney  Hubbard




**************************************Check out AOL's list of 2007's hottest
products.
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Nice parable...thanks for sharing it with us.

------ Original Message ------
Received: Sat, 24 Nov 2007 08:02:15 AM PST
From: AZTerri@...
To: End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com, CoDependents@yahoogroups.com
Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} The Parable of the Tree

This Excerpt: The Parable  of the Tree

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)

[Today's excerpt is a popular one. Our  minds seem to work by relating a
pattern in something new to a pattern we've  seen before. They will link these

together like stepping stones or a chain to  ultimately relate a new
experience
to something we already understand. I think  this is why stories are so
compelling for us. This excerpt is, of course, a  story. It is metaphorical:
describing a person; a relationship: expectations  within that relationship;
disease,
and change.


Along with the personal, emotional issues  addressed in Tears and Healing
come questions about disease. When I wrote this  parable, it was obvious to me

that in my situation, with a very seriously  troubled wife, significant change

in her could not come nearly soon enough. Her  illness was causing her to act

very destructively toward me, and the damage from  that was so severe that I
knew I'd be incapacitated if I didn't find  safety.

But change is possible, and we should all  have an understanding of the
prospects for change. For those with narcissistic  or borderline personality
disorder, the current clinical perspective is that  significant improvement IS

possible. The biggest determining factor is the  person's motivation to
change.
State-of-the-art treatment for PDs now is  multi-modal, potentially involving

individual and group therapy, social skills  training, cognitive-behavioral
training, and medication. For sociopaths, even  entering treatment is
unlikely, and
success even less likely. Understanding the  prospects for change is a
keystone in making decisions. These issues are one of  three major subjects I

address in Meaning from Madness, which I consider an  essential compliment to
Tears
and Healing. ]

The Parable of the Tree

A man lived in the Great Plains, many  years ago. He had only one source of
wood for all his needs: a beautiful large  oak tree growing behind his
cottage.
Anyone passing by could see that this was  truly a beautiful tree, and of
course it was an oak tree so it must be strong.  It would protect him from the

prairie’s storms and provide shade from the  sun.

This man was very happy about his tree. It  was really all he had ever wanted

to meet his many needs. It was large enough to  provide firewood from its
fallen branches, its many limbs could be cut as he  needed them for building
furniture. The man was very happy.

One day the man decided to make a chair,  so he took his saw and went out to
his tree. He climbed onto one of the lower  limbs and began to saw it off. As

his saw bit into the wood, the man got a funny  feeling. Something just
didn’t
seem right. As he finished sawing the limb  suddenly snapped as if it were
brittle, shooting splinters into the man’s eyes.  He was surprised and hurt,
but
he managed to clear his eyes and slid down to  where the limb had dropped to
the ground.

He looked at the end where he had made his  cut and to his amazement he saw
not the solid, gleaming bands of a healthy oak,  but a pithy, brittle mass
riddled with holes. The limb would not serve for  furniture - no way. And the
man
realized that something was amiss. He began  having suspicions about his
beautiful tree.

The next day the man tried again, for life  presses on, and he really needed
a chair. So he climbed again to another limb,  and began cutting. And again,
just as he was about to complete his task, the  limb shattered and sprayed him

with sharp splinters. This time he was prepared,  and managed to turn his
head, but the splinters were sharp and they hurt him  nonetheless. Again he
climbed down, and discovered the same pithy, brittle  mass.

With this the man realized that his  precious tree was not well. It was
diseased. It was infested with an insect, the  prairie oak flea, which was
known to
cripple trees, but not to kill  them.

As the disease progressed, the man  realized that he was not getting from his

tree the things he counted on for his  safety and comfort. The leaves became
thin and scattered, and the tree could not  provide the shade that he needed
from the hot sun. When storms came, instead of  the sheltering buffer he had
hoped for, the tree would yield its weakened limbs  to the winds and they
crashed down on his cottage roof. Once a limb broke right  through in the
midst of a
storm and the man spent a cold wet night waiting for  daylight so he could
close the hole.

But still, the man loved his tree. It was  a beautiful tree. And it was an
oak. It was HIS oak. “I love my tree,” said the  man. “I know it has a
disease,
but I love the tree nonetheless. I chose to build  my home in its shelter and

I am committed to staying with it.”

One day a passing wagon stopped, and the  man in the wagon asked, “Why do
you
stay under this sick tree? It’s causing you  so much pain, and there are
things you need that it doesn’t give  you?”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “ I love my tree.  It’s the disease that I
hate.
The tree is still a beautiful tree, and it is my  life.”

“But look,” said the man in the wagon.  “Its wood is rotten. Its shade
is
useless. It harms you in storms when it should  shelter you. And you have no
furniture because its wood is brittle and  pithy.”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “You must learn to  separate the disease from
the
tree. Otherwise you’ll become  embittered.”

“Well,” said the man in the wagon, “if the  disease is separate, then
where
is the tree without the disease? I don’t see a  healthy tree standing next
to
a disease. All I see is a pithy, bug-eaten tree  that can barely stand on its

own. If your tree is such a good provider, why is  that you have so little,
and what you have is patched and leaking?”

The man thought for a while, and then  said, “You know, maybe you are right.

No matter how much I say I love that tree,  it will never give me the things I

need from it. I guess you’re right. The TREE  and the DISEASE are all the
same thing. I don’t have a tree and a disease. I  have a DISEASED TREE. And
the
longer I hang out under this tree, the longer I’m  going to live without the

shade and the wind shelter and the furniture that I  need, and the more likely
I’
m going to be conked on the head by a falling limb.  Maybe I need to start
looking for another tree that can give me what I  need...”

The man thought about it, and a little  later he decided to look around for
another place to have his home. And the man  found a spot, even better than
the
one he had been living in, with a healthy  maple growing nearby.

He hated to think of building his home all  over again, but he was, at heart,

a courageous man, and he decided to try. In a  few months he had a new home,
shaded in the summer, shielded from the wind, safe  during storms, and he was

able to build beautiful furniture for his study. He  lived there, mostly
happily, writing to his many friends who also had problem  trees.

His old tree continued to grow in its same  spot, and continued dropping
limbs during every storm, just as  before.

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and  Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)





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i need some advice.my husband is mentally abusive.he says mean things
to me and my/our 4 yr old child. i have contacted a lawyer to see what
i can do and what my rights are.but on fri nov 23rd he went and bought
a mother's ring for me for xmas.i know cause i was there.my question
is,what should i do? should i go ahead and talk to the lawyer or just
forget about it? we have been married 8 yrs in april 08,and he has
thrown me and my child out 3x now and it never fails from the end of
oct to dec. and again in feb and april he pulls his baby fits or
whatever you want to call it.he is a pathalogical liar and im at the
point to where i cant stand his perfectness.please help. thanks.

I just read the verbal abuse quick reference guide, and it hit me
pretty hard that there are so many things on there that apply to my
life. I'm desperate for some guidance, advice, leads to resources to
help get myself out of this situation.

I didn't realize I'd be accepted to the group automatically, this is
nice.

I have to get out to work now (we farm), but I'll check back later and
give more details. Just kind of...testing the waters here, if you
will.

Beth

This Excerpt: Overcoming Fear
©  2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com_ (http://tearsandhealing.com)

[Fear is a huge issue for people in abusive situations, because  for many of
us, there is a compelling need for us to take action to change our  situation
to protect ourselves. Fear can be paralyzing, especially when we are  stepping
into the unknown and considering choices we think others will condemn.
Remember: ignorance is the guardian of fear. And a journey of 1000 miles begins
with a single step, no matter how small. With conviction, fear can be overcome,
and more easily than you think.

I suppose that on its face, the anecdote I share in this essay might seem
mundane. Yet it represents a way of definitely - if slowly - getting over or
around a change that is just too scary to deal with in one step. I think that
because this was a step that no one or no circumstance was forcing me to take,
that it was easy to back away. It was only by chipping away at it - by
walking  up to the door and stopping and then coming back again and stopping a
little bit  closer - that I could lift myself over that barrier of fear.

And this excerpt illustrates that some of the challenge we face in dealing
with these relationships is truly within us. It is easy to get focused on the
craziness of a disordered partner - it's hard not to, usually - but our own
emotions and decisions play an important role in what our experience turns out
to be. That focus on us and our emotions is the theme in Tears and Healing.
Understanding their irrational behavior, substance abuse, and the prospects
for  it getting better are the focus of Meaning from Madness. Our emotions of
love  pulling toward and back to a hurtful relationship are dealt with in In
Love and  Loving It - Or Not!.

Together they are the three big issues that most people struggle with, and
they come together in the triple pack. The Richard Skerritt Pack has all five
of  my books, Tears & Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving It, The
  Way of Respect, and Tears & Healing Reflections.   The  Relationship Pack
has the four books that deal with relationships with a  disordered person: Tears
& Healing, Meaning from Madness, In Love and Loving  It, and Tears & Healing
Reflections.  These come in softcover, e-book,  and quick-pack editions.]

Overcoming Fear

Well, it’s one thing to think about making changes in your life. Or even to
decide that we need to make changes. But the real kicker comes when it’s time
to  actually make those changes happen. And that, my friend, is where all of
us run  smack into fear. And it can be paralyzing, totally paralyzing.

Ignorance Guards Fear

This fear is protected with a wall of ignorance. Take  divorce: Can I make a
living? Is it best for the children? Can I get custody?  Partial custody? How
much alimony will she/he/I get? How long will it take? Can  I afford the
fight? And so on.

All these questions have answers, or approximate answers. And it’s pretty
certain that if we’re feeling afraid, we probably don’t know these answers.
These answers give you the understanding and knowledge to allow you to see where
  change will take you. The more of the answers you have, the less ignorance
you  have to protect your fears. Once the fears diminish, it becomes possible
to make  the decision WITHOUT anguish. What’s more, it becomes emotionally
possible to  start making those changes.

Fear is dealt with by 1000 tiny steps to LEARN.

It’s amazing how little we know about the things we fear. One phone call, a
visit to a web site, a phone call to a friend, a question on a support list -
can provide the knowledge to change something from a fearful unknown to “Hey!
I  can do that!” The key is to recognize the fear of change, and put your
finger on  what you are assuming, without really knowing, that makes you afraid.
From that,  you can take a step to get a better understanding. And once you
have it, you’ll  be able to take another step.

It may take ten or 20 small steps to make a big change. For me, a great
example was finding a divorce attorney. I was so frightened of that. But I did
the 20 steps, one by one: buy a book; read the book; look in the phone book;
read the book again; talk to a friend; read that book again to find out what
I’m
  supposed to ask; make a list of questions; write a script for a voicemail;
look  on the internet; look again; try harder this time; make a call; return a
call,  make an appointment; Every damned one of those things I was afraid of.
Even  buying the book! I bought it with cash so my wife wouldn’t ask what
I’d
bought!  But as a result of those small steps, I was able to make a big
change.

Once I determined to knock these walls down, everything came into focus and
my actions became part of a plan. Something that I chose and I took control
of.  By eliminating ignorance of the “what ifs”, you eliminate the anguish
and
allow  yourself to own your choices, and to move forward and change your life.

Step by step, little by little, you knock down the walls of ignorance that
guard those fears.

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com_ (http://tearsandhealing.com)




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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

This Excerpt: The Parable  of the Tree

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)

[Today's excerpt is a popular one. Our  minds seem to work by relating a
pattern in something new to a pattern we've  seen before. They will link these
together like stepping stones or a chain to  ultimately relate a new experience
to something we already understand. I think  this is why stories are so
compelling for us. This excerpt is, of course, a  story. It is metaphorical:
describing a person; a relationship: expectations  within that relationship;
disease,
and change.


Along with the personal, emotional issues  addressed in Tears and Healing
come questions about disease. When I wrote this  parable, it was obvious to me
that in my situation, with a very seriously  troubled wife, significant change
in her could not come nearly soon enough. Her  illness was causing her to act
very destructively toward me, and the damage from  that was so severe that I
knew I'd be incapacitated if I didn't find  safety.

But change is possible, and we should all  have an understanding of the
prospects for change. For those with narcissistic  or borderline personality
disorder, the current clinical perspective is that  significant improvement IS
possible. The biggest determining factor is the  person's motivation to change.
State-of-the-art treatment for PDs now is  multi-modal, potentially involving
individual and group therapy, social skills  training, cognitive-behavioral
training, and medication. For sociopaths, even  entering treatment is unlikely,
and
success even less likely. Understanding the  prospects for change is a
keystone in making decisions. These issues are one of  three major subjects I
address in Meaning from Madness, which I consider an  essential compliment to
Tears
and Healing. ]

The Parable of the Tree

A man lived in the Great Plains, many  years ago. He had only one source of
wood for all his needs: a beautiful large  oak tree growing behind his cottage.
Anyone passing by could see that this was  truly a beautiful tree, and of
course it was an oak tree so it must be strong.  It would protect him from the
prairie’s storms and provide shade from the  sun.

This man was very happy about his tree. It  was really all he had ever wanted
to meet his many needs. It was large enough to  provide firewood from its
fallen branches, its many limbs could be cut as he  needed them for building
furniture. The man was very happy.

One day the man decided to make a chair,  so he took his saw and went out to
his tree. He climbed onto one of the lower  limbs and began to saw it off. As
his saw bit into the wood, the man got a funny  feeling. Something just didn’t
seem right. As he finished sawing the limb  suddenly snapped as if it were
brittle, shooting splinters into the man’s eyes.  He was surprised and hurt,
but
he managed to clear his eyes and slid down to  where the limb had dropped to
the ground.

He looked at the end where he had made his  cut and to his amazement he saw
not the solid, gleaming bands of a healthy oak,  but a pithy, brittle mass
riddled with holes. The limb would not serve for  furniture - no way. And the
man
realized that something was amiss. He began  having suspicions about his
beautiful tree.

The next day the man tried again, for life  presses on, and he really needed
a chair. So he climbed again to another limb,  and began cutting. And again,
just as he was about to complete his task, the  limb shattered and sprayed him
with sharp splinters. This time he was prepared,  and managed to turn his
head, but the splinters were sharp and they hurt him  nonetheless. Again he
climbed down, and discovered the same pithy, brittle  mass.

With this the man realized that his  precious tree was not well. It was
diseased. It was infested with an insect, the  prairie oak flea, which was known
to
cripple trees, but not to kill  them.

As the disease progressed, the man  realized that he was not getting from his
tree the things he counted on for his  safety and comfort. The leaves became
thin and scattered, and the tree could not  provide the shade that he needed
from the hot sun. When storms came, instead of  the sheltering buffer he had
hoped for, the tree would yield its weakened limbs  to the winds and they
crashed down on his cottage roof. Once a limb broke right  through in the midst
of a
storm and the man spent a cold wet night waiting for  daylight so he could
close the hole.

But still, the man loved his tree. It was  a beautiful tree. And it was an
oak. It was HIS oak. “I love my tree,” said the  man. “I know it has a
disease,
but I love the tree nonetheless. I chose to build  my home in its shelter and
I am committed to staying with it.”

One day a passing wagon stopped, and the  man in the wagon asked, “Why do you
stay under this sick tree? It’s causing you  so much pain, and there are
things you need that it doesn’t give  you?”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “ I love my tree.  It’s the disease that I hate.
The tree is still a beautiful tree, and it is my  life.”

“But look,” said the man in the wagon.  “Its wood is rotten. Its shade is
useless. It harms you in storms when it should  shelter you. And you have no
furniture because its wood is brittle and  pithy.”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “You must learn to  separate the disease from the
tree. Otherwise you’ll become  embittered.”

“Well,” said the man in the wagon, “if the  disease is separate, then
where
is the tree without the disease? I don’t see a  healthy tree standing next to
a disease. All I see is a pithy, bug-eaten tree  that can barely stand on its
own. If your tree is such a good provider, why is  that you have so little,
and what you have is patched and leaking?”

The man thought for a while, and then  said, “You know, maybe you are right.
No matter how much I say I love that tree,  it will never give me the things I
need from it. I guess you’re right. The TREE  and the DISEASE are all the
same thing. I don’t have a tree and a disease. I  have a DISEASED TREE. And
the
longer I hang out under this tree, the longer I’m  going to live without the
shade and the wind shelter and the furniture that I  need, and the more likely
I’
m going to be conked on the head by a falling limb.  Maybe I need to start
looking for another tree that can give me what I  need...”

The man thought about it, and a little  later he decided to look around for
another place to have his home. And the man  found a spot, even better than the
one he had been living in, with a healthy  maple growing nearby.

He hated to think of building his home all  over again, but he was, at heart,
a courageous man, and he decided to try. In a  few months he had a new home,
shaded in the summer, shielded from the wind, safe  during storms, and he was
able to build beautiful furniture for his study. He  lived there, mostly
happily, writing to his many friends who also had problem  trees.

His old tree continued to grow in its same  spot, and continued dropping
limbs during every storm, just as  before.

© 2006 Richard, 21CP Author and  Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)





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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Effects of Domestic Violence And Verbal Abuse on  Children

Children living in  homes where there is domestic violence and/or other forms
of abuse grow up  in an atmosphere of fear, uncertainty, and insecurity. Many
children assume they  are responsible for the situation because they feel they
’ve been “bad,” or have  not been “good enough.” They may develop a
variety
of coping mechanisms to help  them survive in the abusive home, but such
mechanisms all too often have  profound negative effects on the child’s
development.

A child living with, and witnessing, domestic violence and abuse may
experience the following feelings:

Fear, grief, despair, shame
Anger, rage, distrust, hostility
Worthlessness and inadequacy
Guilt self-blame
Extreme loneliness
Abandonment
Powerlessness
Helplessness
Exaggerated fear of new  situations or people

A child living with domestic violence  and abuse may:

Have physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, sleeping
difficulties
and eating problems
Have frequent illnesses
Have  difficulty relating to peers
Have difficulty making simple decisions
Become withdrawn, quiet, secretive
Behave hyperactively or aggressively
Use inappropriate language
Act  out
Use physical violence or abusive language to control situations
Engage in substance abuse
Have poor school performance
Have poor  school attendance and /or truancy

Children raised in an  abusive environment have significantly higher levels
of behavioral and emotional  problems than other children. They are more likely
to enter into abusive  relationships - either as abuser or victim - than are
children from non-abusive  environments. When they become parents themselves,
they may pass along the  violence and abuse to the next generation.

Children can benefit greatly from appropriate intervention  services.





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Gifted Children...

_http://www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/Webb_MisdiagnosisAndDualDiagnosi
sOfGiftedChildren.shtml_
(http://www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/Webb_MisdiagnosisAndDualDiagnosisO\
fGiftedChildren.shtml)





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