On Personal Responsibility

picked up off the web as contributed by G. Droll

I asked God to take away my pain. God said, No.
It is not for me to take  away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said, No.
Her spirit  was whole, her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience. God said, No.
Patience is a by-product  of tribulations, it isn't granted, it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness. God said, No.
I give you blessings,  Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain. God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart  from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, No.
You must grow on your  own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. God said, No.
I will  give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as he loves me.
God  said...Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.






HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Help! I Still Love My Abuser!

In a recent email, a reader asked the following question: "Why do I  continue
to feel love for this person that abused me?  I DON'T miss the  abuse, but I
do miss the good times we had... I still cry sometimes because I  miss what I
thought we had.  Is this normal?"

Yes, it is very "normal." In fact, most people leaving abusive  relationships
feel the same way. Many, at least initially, have a hard time  staying away
from a person they know has hurt them. What is going on?


Loss of a Relationship

When you give up a partner, you  give up a lifestyle as well. You give up
shared friends, shared activities, as  well give up the comfort of being half of
a couple. You knew there was someone  around; maybe you saw each other or
chatted daily. You knew you would have  something to do or someone to be with on
Saturday night. Even if you stayed home  alone on Saturday night, you knew
someone was there. You had a partner. Your  life changes when you break up with
your partner. All of this takes some getting  used to. It takes time to regroup
and rebuild.

Saturday night...what's a person to do? Not only will you mourn the loss of
partner status with its shared friends and activities, but you are also  likely
to experience the void of the Back-to-Square-One Syndrome. Got to  start all
over again with the trials and tribulations most partnership-ready  singles
dread: meeting new people via singles bars, blind dates, email; not  meeting
new people; dating, dating and more endless dating...

When you do finally meet a prospective partner, you must go through the
initial motions again: the getting to know each other phase: do they like me? Do
I like them? Do they want a relationship? What about sex? If you get past the
third date, you can look forward to the initial misunderstandings, the  not
knowing whether things will work out; introductions to friends and  family;
meeting friends and family. Knowing you don't know, you wonder whether  you
will go through this initial relationship stuff again and again. Unless you  are
a professional dater who is allergic to commitment, dating gets old  fast.

The loss of a relationship is unsettling. When you lose an abusive
relationship, you must deal with all of the ordinary losses as well as some
specifically related to abuse.


Losses in an Abusive Relationship

Low self-esteem. Your self-esteem will be at a low point. You are coming  out
of a relationship where you have been riding an emotional roller  coaster
powered by your partner's deft ability to give with one hand and take  away
with the other. This is not the time to look to any love interests to  bolster
you. Spend some time alone, some time with good friends and family. This  is
the time to be good to yourself and to love yourself in a constructive way.
For example, start an exercise program. Get that jacket you've been admiring.
Constructive self-caring is about moderation. Moderation is the difference
between pampering yourself with a purchase and a destructive spending  spree.

So very, very good; so very, very bad. Your partner knew how to cut you to
the quick with a look, and how build you up higher than high. You are likely to
  miss how extraordinarily good your partner made you feel. Don't forget, they
had  to - to make up for all of the bad! The good we remember, the bad we
forget.  Don't make this mistake. Every time you sadly recall a wonderful
memory, think  of one that hurt. Better yet, think of two.

Actions speak louder than words. Your partner knew exactly what you wanted
to hear and said or implied it. Think: this person claimed to love you. Did he
or she behave lovingly over time? Do you behave like your partner towards
people  you love?

Promises, promises. Your partner may be back and may promise you the world.
He or she really, really means it! He or she means it for as long as long as
it  takes to regain your trust. As soon as you become comfortable in the
relationship, your partner will do something to mess things up. They can't  help
it. As much as they crave closeness, they fear it more. There is  absolutely
nothing you can do about this, but save yourself from it.

Loss of Reality or Fantasy? Did you lose something you really had? Or did
you lose a promise that never quite materialized? Did you lose a happy life,  or
the prospect of a happy life? How much of the time were you really happy?  It
is likely you are mourning the dream of what could be as opposed to the
reality of what was. Check it out.


Advice

Do what you can to get through the first few days  or weeks, or however long
it takes you. Listen to your instincts - especially  when you don't like what
you have to say! Heed your advice. Don't give in!  Taking your own advice will
help you rebuild your self-esteem. An antidepressant  often helps you stay on
track and do what you have to do during this tough  time.

If you know that a relationship is not good for you, stick to your guns. No
matter what promises are made, they will be broken. Don't let your  wishful
thinking, your guilt, your sorrow or your empathy lead you down  another dead
end path. People don't change overnight.  Unless you've  learned some new
skills, or your partner has been really working the program in  therapy, if you
go back with your abusive partner, it is only a matter of time  before the
relationship goes right back to where it was, or becomes worse. Know  that you
will wake up one day and find yourself in the same hole you are in  today, but
deeper. If you run your life with your head instead of your heart,  you will
emerge stronger, wiser, and more self-confidant.

Now is the time to learn from your mistakes. Above all, learn to listen to
yourself and take your own good advice.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos, Copyright© 1999. The material on this
website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes
provided that author credit is given.


HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are  and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who  matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess



Yahoo! Groups:  End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Just FYI: I didn't write this piece. I don't know who did. Just so everyone
knows because sometimes people reply to articles I post and it looks as if I
wrote them, lol.


Gaslighting and Reality

Imagine that you got up one morning and  everything was different. Suppose
that your life partner asked you why you  were wearing a blue shirt when you
knew you were wearing a white shirt and  seemed puzzled when you insisted that
you saw  it as white. Suppose you got  to work and your telephone extension had
been  changed from 4432 to 4435  but everyone insisted that it had always been
4435.

Imagine what you  would begin to think if you pointed out a new piece of art
in your favorite  restaurant only to be told by your lunch partner that it had

always  hung just where it was. Imagine that you began to notice that  you
experienced a reality slightly but significantly different from the  reality
other people experienced.

What if these sort of oddities  began happening day in and day out? The
world that other people perceived,  understood, and remembered was different
from
the world you understood. And  now suppose that this condition persisted, not
just for days, but for  weeks, months, and even years.

What do you think would begin to happen inside of you? You might get  angry
with everyone in the world because they saw the world differently  from you -
you  might continue to insist that you are right. But after a  while your anger
would  probably fade. If you have a shred of rationality,  you would begin to
think,  "How likely is it that I alone think my  shirt is white, my phone
number is 4432,  and the painting is new? If  everyone I trust thinks the world
is different from  the way I think the  world is, there must be something wrong
with me."

If you have a shred of  rationality, you would begin to think that it was
you. Your anger and  frustration would begin to shift and include anxiety or
even

fear,  depression, confusion, and self-doubt. If you have a shred of
rationality,   you would wonder if you might be going crazy.

Watch a baby test the  world and learn about her reality detection devices.
The baby reaches out  her hand, picks up the pretty bobble, raises it over her
head, and  lets it fall back to the surface. She giggles with glee. She is
delighted  by her reliable and consistent understanding of the way gravity works

in the universe. She couldn't tell you that. But inside, she knows what she
is learning. She is learning that reality is consistent and that her senses
are
reliable devices for detecting reality. Her self-esteem is building. She  is
thinking (in baby think), "I can, I can, I can..."

Surprise  changes in reality are amusing in small, brief doses. It is why we
like  jokes and are excited by thunder. When reality briefly defies  our
perception, we get a rush from the novelty and then quickly restore  ourselves
to
reality. But the story is different if reality is altered in  permanent ways.
It is a different story if those we trust to help us remain  in touch with
reality  tell us that we are not in touch with reality. We  begin to feel odd.
"I
see dead  people".

We check out reality with  other people all the time. It is part of how we
keep our reality detection  devices properly tuned. "Do you see what I see? Is
it
me or is that ladies  hair on fire?" Our self-esteem suffers and our trust in
ourselves begins to  erode if our reality detection devices begin to seem
unreliable. In the  end, we begin to think we are crazy. This is an essential
component of bona  fide Brainwashing. If you have complete control over another
person and you  make reality unpredictable, they have to rely on you for
reality.  "Today  is Tuesday. So is Tomorrow." The organizing fabric of reality
as
derived   from sensory and perception begins to deteriorate if that reality is
not   validated by those around us. This is a technique for making other
people crazy.

This sort of reality distortion is a principal plot device in the play  and
movie, Gaslight. A man marries a naive young woman and sets out to  drive her
crazy so that he can steal her jewels. Each time he leaves the  house the gas
lights dim and she hears footsteps on the floor above (he  sneaks back in by a

secret stairway, dims the light, and walks the  floor). No one else notices
and he insists that he was away. She begins to think  she is crazy. The more
the
victim of Gaslighting trusts the person who  is bending reality, the more the
victim suffers.

Some people claim  that the partner of someone who is having an affair
always knows. I doubt  that is true. But I do think that partners often know
that
something  is amiss - if they pay attention to their intuition. And that
holds for  more than affairs. I think most people detect subtle shifts in the
conduct
and emotion and mood - the aspect if you will - of their partners. When  we
detect shifts, we check it out by asking questions. Usually, if our  intuition
is  working and our friends are truthful, they validate our  intuition.

Sex addicts lie to keep their secret lives secret. They lie by  omission and
commission. They lie to lots of people. Most especially, they  lie to their
partners. They lie to cover up. They lie when their partners  ask questions and
express suspicion and doubt. Addicts gaslight their  partners. This is one of
the  wounds that partners suffer and must  heal.

When addicts get into recovery they are often surprised by the  intensity of
their partners reactions. But reflect on the little thought  experiment that
began this essay. When you deceived your partner, you  caused her or him to
call reality into question. You damaged their relationship  with reality.
Because your  partner trusted you - trusted that you would  not distort reality
-
your partner  may have felt quite crazy. There is  relief for partners when they
know the truth  - they begin to know that  they are not crazy and so can
begin to restore their  own relationship with  reality. But trust does not
restore
quickly.

Return to your imagination  and think what you would think and feel if your
partner and coworkers and  friends admitted that they had been deliberately
distorting reality to  keep secrets and make you crazy. Imagine that they had
been doing that for  years. Even if those people disclosed their acts,
expressed their remorse,  and promised never to do that again, how long would it
take you to again trust  them to validate your reality?

Author Unknown




HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Abuse cloaked in the guise of caring or love...

Many people find it difficult to determine what constitutes emotional  abuse.
The media is full of  information about physical and sexual abuse,  but
emotional abuse seems to be much more difficult to define. A few writers  have
begun to address this form of abuse,  provide new insight into this  form of
abusive behavior, and explore the damage caused by it. Most of the  information
here will be taken from the book, The Emotionally Abused Woman, by  Beverly
Engel.

Ten Behaviors that Characterize Emotional Abuse

"Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another
human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical
assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than
physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant 
criticism
to more subtle tactics such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal  to
ever be pleased."  (p. 10)

According to Engel, there are ten behaviors that characterize emotional
abuse: domination, verbal assaults, abusive expectations, emotional blackmail,
unpredictable responses, constant criticism, character assassination, gas
lighting, constant chaos, and sexual harassment. Following are brief 
descriptions
of each.

Domination: A dominator needs to control everything. He decides who you  talk
to, where you go, what you wear, how much money you have, what you do and
when. They frequently will use anger or threats to get what they want from you.
They have all the rights, you have none (p. 13).

Verbal Assaults: An abuser will use "berating, belittling, criticism,  name
calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and  humiliation."
(p 14). These assaults induce fear in the victim and passivity.

Abusive Expectations: Many abusers use constant demands to wear down  their
victim. They require constant attention, emotionally, physically and  sexually.
Their victim is expected to drop everything and everybody else to meet  the
immediate demands of the abuser. Since it is impossible to meet ALL of
anyone's needs, no matter what the victim does it will not be good enough, 
resulting
in constant criticism (p. 15).

Emotional Blackmail: An abuser uses manipulation and coercion to  control
their victim. They find it easy to use guilt, fear, or even the victims  caring
feelings towards him to manipulate situations to get what they want.  Threats
of ending the relationship or giving the "silent treatment" are forms of
emotional blackmail (p. 16).

Unpredictable Responses: To keep his victim constantly on edge, an  abuser
will suddenly change his mood or demands. The victim never knows  what to
expect. When you think he will react one way he will often react just  the
opposite. This prevents an opportunity for the victim to feel any sense of 
stability
(p. 17).

Constant Criticism: Through constantly finding fault,  the abuser  wears down
the ability of the victim to believe she has any worth or ability to  think
for herself. Over a period of time he is able to convince his victim that  she
is incapable of managing on her own (p. 17).

Character Assassination: According to Engel character assassination  "Occurs
when someone constantly blows your mistakes out of proportion; gossips  about
your past failures and mistakes and tells lies about you; humiliates,
criticizes, or makes fun of you in front of others; and discounts your
achievements." (p. 17-18).

Gas lighting: This is a technique of trying to make the victim believe  she
is insane. The victim is told hat things she thought happened, didn't; that
things that were said, weren't. An subtle attack is made on the ability of the
victim to recall things properly. Her honest or sanity is called into question
  (p. 18-19).

Constant Chaos: Constant arguments and conflict are used to create  chaos and
instability. As soon as things are calm individual who are addicted to  chaos
will instigate a fight to satisfy their inability to live in peace. By  doing
this they force those around them to live in the same chaos. Eventually
everyone becomes uncomfortable with peace and calm (p. 19).

Sexual Harassment: According to Engel Sexual harassment is "whenever a  woman
is pressured into becoming sexual against her will." (p. 19). Although the
term is most frequently used (and legally used) in terms of the workplace, the
behaviors involved can be applied to a personal relationship. Sexual
harassment  includes "sexist jokes, comments on ones body and ones real or
imagined
sex  life, and sexual propositions. It can also include other forms of emotional
  abuse to coerce a woman to perform sexually.

Financial Abuse: occurs when money is used to control or limit one  person.
The victim is expected to account for all expenditures. Money, food,  clothes,
even medicine can be withheld at the whim of the person holding the  bank
book. The abuser may always find money for his interests and hobbies but  the
bills don't get paid or essentials are not provided. Some abusers will  insist
the
partner stay at home and not be out in the workforce but not  acknowledge the
work done in the home. If value is seen only through how much  money one
makes then the person staying at home becomes devalued.

Any one of these on occasion may be used by individuals. However it is  the
constant use of these behaviors used specifically to get one personal needs
met at the expense of the other that are destructive. Victims often feel
helpless, guilty, not good enough, like they deserve it. Engel states that "True
emotional abuse is distinguished by the following:

It is constant, as opposed to occasional.

The intent is to devalue and denigrate rather than to simply state a
complaint.

The intent is to dominate and control rather than to provide  constructive
criticism.

The person has an overall attitude of disrespect toward you, rather  than
just not liking something specific that you are doing." (p. 22)

The saddest thing about this type of abuse is that despite the  tremendous
damage it does to the victims, it is rarely identified as abusive  behavior.
Many of the victims who have experienced this type of emotional abuse,  have
been
convinced of their inability to function in the world without their  partner.
They are convinced that they deserve the treatment or that there is  nothing
they can do to make it right. Some even say, "They only say (or do) that
because they love me and want to help me be a better person." Like any victim of
mind control techniques, the victim is unable to see the abuse because it has
been cloaked in the guise of caring or love. And the victim that believes
that  this is love, is more at risk for either returning to an abusive
relationship or  getting into another one after leaving the first. Victims have
learned
that love  hurts. How sad.

There is hope. Many people are learning about emotional abuse, what it  is,
what its effects are, and how to stop it. Information, support groups and
friends, and therapy are helping victims to break the patterns of abuse in their
families. By doing this they teach their children that they do not have to
tolerate abuse when they grow up, that abuse is not a part of love and that they
  deserve better.  Many are learning and growing and are eventually able to
sustain a healthy non abusive relationship.

(1)  Beverly Engel. (1990) The Emotionally Abused Woman. New York:
Ballantine.





HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

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_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

"Gaslight" (the movie)...

The film was advertised as "the strange story of an international  criminal's
love for a great beauty," and "the strange drama of a captive  sweetheart."
The film's plot, faithfully adapted by its screenwriters, was about  a
diabolical, Victorian criminal husband (Charles Boyer playing against type)  who
systematically and methodically attempts to torment, menace, and drive his
bedeviled, fragile wife (Ingrid Bergman) mad. Its title was derived from the
frequent dimming and flickering of the gaslights. The phrase "to gaslight" 
someone
(to deliberately drive someone insane by psychologically manipulating  their
environment and tricking someone into believing that they are insane), was
derived from the film.

Read more here!

_http://www.filmsite.org/gasl.html_ (http://www.filmsite.org/gasl.html)





HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Tools for Handling Control Issues ~ Is this a book? I would like to
read it. Thanks, Jen

5: Tools for Handling Control Issues

What is overdependency?

Overdependency is the:

Holding on desperately to other people, places, or things to give your life
meaning and direction.

Allowing others to "do for'' you so much so that you haven't developed a
sense of personal autonomy, independence, and personal responsibility for your
own actions.

Unwillingness to let go of others so that you can get on with your own  life.

Unwillingness to set out your own goals, aspirations, and dreams for your
life for fear that they won't coincide with those of the people, places, and
things on which you have become dependent.

Sense of worthlessness since the "need to be needed'' and "need to be
loved'' have gone out of control where you need the dependency of another on you
in
order to believe that your life has meaning and value.

Confusing sympathy and pity for love which is a result of feeling sorry and
compassionate for someone so much that you have smothered and coddled them
until  they cannot do for themselves and have become completely dependent on
you.

Inability to take self-initiated steps to get your life into control,  order,
and direction because you have overly identified and submitted yourself  to
the will, power, and control of another person even if that person did not
intentionally set you up to be so dependent.

Immobilized since need for approval, fear of rejection, and feeling of
insecurity gone so out of control that you become immobilized without the
direction, support, and nurturing of the person, place, or thing on whose 
approval
you have become dependent.

Directionless which is result of the lack of belief in your own competency,
skills, or abilities to handle things on your own and the fear to set out on a
  course of self-direction and independence.

Irresponsibility due to lack of training in knowing what normal personal
responsibility taking is and the resultant handing over to other persons,
places, and things the responsibility to take care of you.

Feeling stuck due to fear of failure, fear of making a bad decision, and  the
fear of success gone out of control until you have become immobilized and
incapable of taking care of your own life.

Clingy due to fear of abandonment and fear of loss of value to other  people,
places, and things gone out of control so much so that you become
over-clingy and grasp on to any last straw to ensure your dependent relationship
is not
changed or ended.

Fear of loss of identity, making you frantic in pursuit of maintaining a
relationship with a person, place, or thing, which is in reality unhealthy for
you.

Fear of loneliness, being alone, or isolation making you desperate to hold
onto a dying relationship with a person, place, or thing, well beyond the time
that it is reasonable to do so.

Fear of being independent which is due to the fear of the negative
consequences of becoming independent keeping you weak and frail, thus needing 
the
support and nurturance of those people, places, and things, on which you are
dependent.


What are the effects of overdependency?

If you continue to be overdependent in your relationships with people,
places or things, then you could:

Lose a sense of personal identity, uniqueness or independence.

Never gain personal mastery or control over your own life.

Not allow those who are dependent on you to become fully functional and
independent.

Lack the social, emotional, or physical skills to enable you to be a fully
functional human being.

Begin to become resentful of those upon whom you are dependent for keeping
you back from becoming all that you are capable of being.

Become so "smothered'' and "coddled'' that you drown in this sea of love,
concern, and support losing focus on yourself as the creation which is in your
own hands to shape and mold.

Fear the possibility of separation, abandonment, or individuation from  those
upon whom you are dependent and thus sabotage all efforts to grow and heal
as a fully independent and self-confident person.

Become disabled, handicapped and incapable of caring for yourself in a
mature, healthy way.

Become sick from the toxic effects of the overdependency especially if the
dependency is on substances which have harmful effects such as alcohol, drugs,
sex, gambling, shopping, relationships, crises, etc.

Run the risk of being left by people who get healthy and no longer are
willing to be caretakers or fixers in your life.

Not only give the appearance of being helpless but begin to believe that  you
are helpless and incapable of taking care of yourself and resist all efforts
to help you break the over-bondedness you have with others.

Increase your manipulation to keep those whom you are "hooked'' on to  remain
hooked in the relationship with you.

Suffer from worsened low self-esteem because you are convinced of your lack
of competence to be a fully independent individual or conversely incapable of
helping others to become independent.

Run the risk of dying from negative health aspects of the overdependency on
things which are deadly.


How is overdependency a control issue?

Overdependency is a control issue because:

It is an act of transferring the "locus of control'' out of your hands into
the hands of others.

When you become too dependent on a person, place, or thing, you give it
power to control you.

It is an act of controlling others to take care of you so you don't have to
do it yourself.

By use of manipulation, conning, and other subversive control techniques,
you "hook'' people into allowing you to be dependent on them so that they can
"fix,'' save, rescue, or be a caretaker for you.

You use your "hooks'' to prevent others from detaching from you so that you
can continue to be dependent on their resources, energy, knowledge, care,
concern, and support.

You use intimidation, coercion, and threats oftentimes when you become
disgruntled because others no longer want to allow you to be dependent on them.

You have learned to use the mask of "helplessness'' to get others to allow
you to be dependent on them and they likewise get hooked on being depended on.

Your style is to seek out people whom you can control to do for you what  you
need to do for yourself, so you succeed in finding "fixers,'' "caretakers,''
and "rescuers'' ready to take over your responsibility for you.

It blinds you to your own inner strength, resources, and power to take care
of yourself and lessens your belief in your own ability to maintain
self-control  of your life.

It hands power and control of your life over to others whom you are willing
to rely on in order to avoid taking personal responsibility for your own life.

When it is an act of dependency on such things as alcohol, drugs, food,  sex,
relationships, gambling, or shopping, it gives these things the power to
control you even to the point of willingness to risk your physical life to have
them.

When it is a compulsive dependency on a person, place, or thing, you have
become powerless to control it.

When it takes on an addictive quality, you appear to lose power and control
over it.


What irrational thinking leads to overdependency?

I could never survive without them.

I need them as much as they need me.

They would never survive without me.

I should be taking care of them since it is my responsibility, obligation
and duty.

I could never envision my life without it (thing you are dependent on).

What would I do if no one needed me?

I am afraid to let go of them since I'd be so lonely.

I'd rather be used than ignored by people.

The only meaning I have in life is to do for others.

I would have no idea what to do if I were on my own.

I am happiest when I am serving others.

They are crazy if they think I'd give up my warm, comfortable, safe state  of
being cared for by others.

As long as they are offering to help me out, I'll continue to accept their
help.

I am entitled to what they do for me.

They owe it to me. After all, I am their child.

They made my life as a child so miserable it is OK that they take care of  me
now as an adult.

I am afraid that I won't do or say it right so I need help to keep me
correct.

I am not dependent on anybody. I am only accepting their gifts, offers of
help, and support because it makes them feel good.

I can take care of my own life as long as I don't have to pay for food,
shelter, school, and transportation.

Accepting gifts of money and other physical support is not being overly
dependent on others.

I am not dependent on anything but I do enjoy these things a lot (e.g.,
alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.).

Being dependent is not a bad thing if it gives meaning to the lives of the
people you live with.

I'd rather be dependent on a person than on myself because I am so afraid  of
being by myself.

Telling me that the person who needs to love me is me doesn't quite make  it.
I don't feel complete unless someone else needs, wants, and loves me.


How you can help someone overdependent on you to become more  independent

In order to help a person become independent of you, you need to follow
these steps.

First: You first need to determine if the person is in reality  overdependent
on you and then identify for what the dependency is.

Financial support

Physical support

Companionship/friendship

Emotional support

Problem solving/decision making

Knowledge and insight

Skills and abilities

Sexual outlet

Affirmation, recognition, and approval

Advice, direction and information on how to live life

Something else. Name it ______________

Second: Once you have identified for what a person is overly dependent on
you, you then need to determine if you are dependent on this person needing 
you.

You need to identify if you are a person who:

Needs to be needed.

Needs to be the source of financial stability in the family or workplace.

Needs to be recognized for your generosity.

Needs approval for your good deeds.

Has a martyr's role in your family, workplace, or relationship.

Loves others too much to your own detriment.

Likes to fix, correct, and make things right.

Is a compulsive caretaker.

Has a hard time "letting go'' of people in your life.

Finds it difficult to be emotionally detached when you see someone you love
getting into trouble.

Any other reason why you are a person who allows others to become overly
dependent on you. Name it _______________

Third:    Once you have identified why you allow this person  to become
overdependent on you, then you need to identify a healthier way to  think about
the
other people in your life and your relationships with them, such  as:

It is OK for people to fail.

It is better for people to become responsible for all aspects of their own
lives.

People need to be independent if they are to experience a full productive
life.

People won't initially like being cut off from their "dependency'' on you
but they will benefit from it in the long run.

It is healthier for a person to refuse your offer of help if it means they
are overcoming their dependency on you.

I am a good person and it is OK if people don't need me.

I don't have to fix, rescue or make correct anybody else but me.

I am a better person by freeing people from being dependent on me.

  don't need to buy my relationships with people by all of the ways  they can
become dependent on me.

I can love someone and still set them free to become who they really are.

Any other rational, reality-based, healthy ideas can be added here.

Fourth: Once you have identified new ways of thinking about the
overdependent people in your life, you then need to establish a new set of 
guidelines to
help them to become more personally responsible for their own  lives.

Some new strategies to help you set the guidelines are:

Strategies for Helping Others to become Independent of You

1. Natural Consequences

Letting people accept the natural consequences for their own actions so  that
they can learn what is good or bad in their own actions, decisions, and
behaviors.

2. Freedom to Fail

Letting people have the freedom to fail, make mistakes, or experience
personal disasters so that they can learn from their mistakes and recognize new
strategies to prevent them on their own in the future.

3. Shared Responsibility

Letting people share with you the responsibility to do the things which in
the past you were totally responsible for. This approximates or shapes them
into  the ability to be self caretakers and independent beings.

4. Win-Win Solution of Problem Solving

Rather than solving problems between two people where you are the winner  and
the other is the loser or where the other wins and you lose or where you
both lose, this solution allows you both a chance to win. Overdependence is
often a result of the win-lose solution where you get your way and the other
becomes dependent on you to follow through on a solution which is not fully
self-owned or self-generated. In the long run, if you always win in solving
problems, you probably lose more since the other people choose to be dependent 
on
your decisions and direction rather than think and act for themselves so as
not to cause any conflict or problem with you.

5. Compromise

In relationships the way to ensure the independence of the other person is
to reach compromises between your wants and needs and the other's wants and
needs. This ensures you both are winners in your interactions with one another
and there is less chance of dependence on one another.

6. Mutual Respect

This involves you and the other person respecting one another's competency,
skills, and abilities without undermining either's independence of thinking,
emotions, or actions. Respecting each other as deserving people creates an
atmosphere which encourages individuality.

7. Acceptance of Uniqueness

This allows the other person to be unique and different from you as a free
standing and independent being so that there is no need for the other to be
"just like you'' and vice versa. "Free to be who you are'' is a healthy
consequence of acceptance of uniqueness by one another.

8. Limit Setting

This is setting a line over which other people cannot step so as to allow
you to be free of their overdependence on you and allows them to remain free and
  independent from you. Once the limits are set the other person then has the
freedom to think, feel and act uniquely with your "unconditional'' acceptance
  and love.

9.  Logical Consequences

When allowing another to be free to fail and experience the natural
consequences of an action is life threatening or too damaging, you can establish
a
consequence of your own which approximates or simulates the more disastrous
consequence. This is a form of setting limits for the other's behaviors which
you will or will not tolerate from them.

10.  Mutual Protection of Rights

This involves the encouragement of open, honest, and assertive  communication
between you and the other person to give feedback when either of  you feels
your rights to be independent and free are being violated. This type  of
communication is encouraged by giving the other person permission to "call  you
on
it'' if you are ignoring their rights.

11. Enmeshment Elimination

When you recognize that you and the other person have become enmeshed in a
mutually dependent relationship, it is important to openly communicate your
recognition of the lack of health in this. You then need to admit openly that it
  is better for you both to be independent, unique individuals who are neither
  clones or enmeshed in a symbiotic, unhealthy relationship.

12.  Fantasy and Myth Debunking

Often when you hold on too tightly to a dream, fantasy, or myth of the way
things are supposed to be, you control relationships too tightly and force the
other into an overly dependent relationship with you. It is important to keep
  your focus in the relationship rational, realistic, and based on "what is''
rather than on "what I want or wish it to be.''

13.  Elimination of Entitlement

Entitlement is the belief that you are owed something because of
circumstances of birth, rank, position, title, tradition, or status. By 
de-powering the
concept of entitlement, people then need to earn on their own  merits what
they are getting out of life. This eliminates the dependency which  makes the
entitled person lack ambition, motivation, or drive to be independent,
successful, or accomplished.

14. Individuation

Individuation is the encouragement of people dependent on you to become
unique individuals with an accent on their own interests, values, attitudes,
skills, abilities, knowledge and competencies. This encourages each person to
become a free-standing, independent, self-sufficient, self-confident and
self-responsible individual.

15.  Establishing Emotional Boundaries

Oftentimes there is a need to establish emotional boundaries between you  and
other people in your life so that you can identify where you begin and end
in comparison to where they begin and end emotionally. This breaks emotional
ties which link you into overly enmeshed and overdependent emotional
relationships.

16. Disarming the "Hooks''

It is imperative to be on the watch for the "hooks'' that keep you  dependent
on dependent people, such as manipulation, helplessness, threats of  suicide,
self-destruction, intimidation, or con jobs. Also the people who are
dependent on you need to be encouraged to unhook the bait of money, physical 
help,
companionship, wisdom, and experience, knowledge, help, aid, fixing,  rescuing,
and enabling you offer them.


Fifth: Once you set guidelines for your relationships with people to  help
them to become independent from you, then you need to put the new
non-controlling, independence encouraging beliefs and behaviors into practice.
Sixth: Monitor your progress. If you find others becoming overdependent on
you or you overdependent on them, then return to first step and being again.


Steps to eliminating overdependency

Step 1:    In order to eliminate overdependency in your  relationship, you
first need to identify where overdependency exists in your  relationship. Use
the guidelines given in How you can help someone overdependent  on you to become
more independent to help you with this process. In your journal  do the
following.

A. List all of the people you have significant relationships with in:

Marriage.

Family.

Family of origin.

Friendship.

Work or school.

Community.

B. Identify which people:

Are overdependent on you.

You are overdependent on.

Are independently unique from you and you are independently unique from
them.

C. For all overdependent relationships, identify for what they are
overdependent on you.

D. For all relationships in which you are overdependent, identify for what
you are overdependent.

E. What are the reasons you allow these people to become overdependent on
you?

F. What are the reasons you allow yourself to become overdependent on  others?

Step 2: Once you identify the scope of your overdependency, you then need  to
identify healthy scripts for each person with whom you desire to change the
relationship's level of overdependency. In your journal for each person listed
  as overdependent on you or you are overdependent on them, identify new
behavioral strategies to use to establish guidelines to encourage independent
thinking, emotions, and actions between you and them. Use the guidelines offered
in Strategies for helping others to become independent of You.

Step 3:    Once you have written out guidelines for how you  intend to relate
to each relationship listed in Step 1, then share your proposed  guidelines
and work with each person to come up with a mutually agreed upon plan  of
action to eliminate overdependency in your relationship.

Step 4: Implement the plan of action which could be recorded as a contract
with each person.

Step 5: Monitor your progress. If you have problems with
over­dependency, then return to Step 1 and begin again.


What is manipulation?

Manipulation is a set of behaviors whose goal is to:

Get you what you want from others even when the others are not willing
initially to give it to you.

Make it seem to others that they have come up with an idea or offer of help
on their own when in reality you have worked on them to promote this idea or
need for help for your own benefit.

Dishonestly get people to do or act in a way which they might not have
freely chosen on their own.

"Con'' people to believe what you want them to believe as true.

Get "your way'' in almost every interaction you have with people, places,  or
things.

Present reality the way you want others to see it rather than the way it
"really is.''

Hide behind a "mask'' and let people see you in an acceptable way when in
reality you are actually feeling or acting in an "unacceptable'' way for these
people.

Maintain control and power over others even though they think they have the
control and power.

Make other people feel sorry for you even though it would be better for  them
to make you accept your personal responsibility for your own actions.

Get away with not having to do the things necessary to meet your
obligations, responsibilities, and duties in life.

Involve everyone in your life's problems so that you do not have to face  the
problems alone.

Keep everything the same so that the "status quo'' is not affected or  change
d.

Make others feel guilty or responsible for actions or thoughts which are
yours alone.

Get others to feel like they are responsible for your welfare so that you  do
not have to make a decision or take responsibility for anything that goes
wrong in your life.


Manipulative Behavior Inventory

Directions: If you currently use any of the following behaviors in your
relationships with people in your life, mark yes.

___ yes   ___ no ( 1) Play the victim

___ yes   ___ no ( 2) Play the martyr

___ yes   ___ no ( 3) Act helpless

___ yes   ___ no ( 4) Play stupid

___ yes   ___ no ( 5) Act incompetent

___ yes   ___ no ( 6) Act angry

___ yes   ___ no ( 7) Throw temper tantrums

___ yes   ___ no ( 8) Say "anything you want'' when you don't  mean it

___ yes   ___ no ( 9) Act compliant when you don't want to

___ yes   ___ no (10) Lie about how you feel

___ yes   ___ no (11) Act lost

___ yes   ___ no (12) Act suicidal

___ yes   ___ no (13) Act hopeless and pathetic

___ yes   ___ no (14) Act depressed

___ yes   ___ no (15) Act befuddled or confused

___ yes   ___ no (16) Tell stories or fabrications

___ yes   ___ no (17) Use hyperbole or exaggeration to build up  problems

___ yes   ___ no (18) Act as a "wedge'' between people keeping  them divided
against one another

___ yes   ___ no (19) Act judgmental or shame people

___ yes   ___ no (20) Use guilt trips

___ yes   ___ no (21) Use ridicule

___ yes   ___ no (22) "Cry wolf''

___ yes   ___ no (23) "Looking good'' for the other

___ yes   ___ no (24) People pleasing

___ yes   ___ no (25) Passive aggressiveness

___ yes   ___ no (26) Act hurt or wounded

___ yes   ___ no (27) Act ignored or forgotten

___ yes   ___ no (28) Act unloved or uncared for

___ yes   ___ no (29) Blame others for your problems

___ yes   ___ no (30) Kiss up

___ yes   ___ no (31) Act overly solicitous

___ yes   ___ no (32) Ingratiate yourself with others

___ yes   ___ no (33) Exaggerated sincerity

___ yes   ___ no (34) Overly charming

___ yes   ___ no (35) Act "out of it''

___ yes   ___ no (36) Act "sorry'' for your bad behaviors

___ yes   ___ no (37) Insincere promising of change or  reformation of
behaviors

___ yes   ___ no (38) Act as if you don't have value or worth

___ yes   ___ no (39) Keep everybody upset to keep focus off you

___ yes   ___ no (40) Keep people around you in competitive  relationships


What are the negative effects of manipulation?

The negative effects of continued use of manipulation to control others are
that:

People will wake up to your "con job'' on them and be no longer willing to
support, assist, or help out when you need them.

You will become more likely to believe your own "con'' stories and  fantasies
and slip into a "pre-psychotic'' state with the inability to tell the
difference between the reality and fantasy in your stories and lies.

You will get caught up in the need to continue to manipulate and con  because
it is the only way people will respond to you since they won't be able  to
relate to you as a "real'' or authentic person because that side of you is
rarely shown.

People will find it difficult to fully trust you in the future and they  will
intentionally distance themselves from you for their own self-protection.

You run the risk of loss of a healthy "conscience'' and you will not be  able
to see the wrongness of your lying, conniving and storytelling.

People will be hurt by your behaviors because they will have opened
themselves up to you by believing your "con job'' and then will be hit in the 
face by
the reality of your scam on them.

You run the risk of being the recipient of others' anger, resentment,
revenge seeking, hatred, or rage when they 'wake up'' to how they have been
manipulated, used and abused.

You will use up enormous amounts of emotional energy in continuing your con
of others and have little left to care for yourself.

You will experience a greater degree of stress and anxiety as time goes on
and your con story line becomes more complex and people begin to pick apart the
  falsehood and dishonesty in your story.

You will experience depression and an emptiness as you realize that all of
your success up to a point has been built like a "house of cards.''

Your low self-esteem will be exacerbated because of the lack of ability to
take pride in your hard honest work to become everything you were capable of
becoming.


How is manipulation a control issue?

Manipulation is a control issue because:

It can be a "politically savvy'' tool to handle over-controlling,
intimidating, and autocratic people, places, or things, by giving the impression
that
the others have the "power'' when in reality you are freely doing what you
need to do in order to politically survive and thus retain the "locus of
control'' in your own hands.

The goal of manipulation is to control and overpower other people to do  what
you want them to do for you.

It is the unhealthy use of "power'' tactics to get something for yourself
even if it robs others of their freedom of choice, reason, and rationality.

It uses control behaviors such as suicidal gestures to blackmail people to
do and be for you the way you want them to be.

Sets up over controllers to rescue, as you get away with shifting your
responsibility for yourself off on others, you will become more helpless so will
seek out "fixers,'' "caretakers,'' and "rescuers'' to take care of you.

Hooks others since you might be an unchangeable and uncontrollable factor  in
someone else's life and yet keep that person "hooked'' into trying to "be
there'' for you when it becomes unhealthy or toxic for that person to continue
to do so.

It involves dishonesty, deceit, use of masks, lack of clarity of messages
sent, and pretense in order to get people to be the way you want them to be.

It can be a subtle use of control over others since you get them to do for
you what they might not have freely chosen to do on their own will.

It is a form of mind control or brainwashing to control the thinking of
others in a way which may not be consistent with their previous pattern of
behavior, feeling or thinking.

Subversive means to get others to puppet what you lead them to do is use of
power and control which is problematic and dangerous for those manipulated.

Power position since tt places the "manipulator'' in a power position in
control of the emotions and reasoning of those being manipulated.

"Survival'' technique which allows you to retain control of your life to
ensure you that no one takes advantage of you.

Power struggle tool, since in any struggle for power and control it is a
tool'' which is used to catch the other side off guard in order to win'' the
contest.


What irrational thinking leads to use of manipulation?

If you do not keep others hooked on being involved with you, you will end  up
being ignored, unaccepted, or unwanted.

Use of manipulation was the only way you have ever gotten what you needed  in
life so why should you learn new ways of achieving the same end.

Use any means you need to "win'' since "winning'' is all that counts in
life.

Don't ever let others think they have the "upper hand'' on you so that they
never can take advantage of you.

It is always better to show the "perfect'' you to people than to let them
see the "real'' you.

There is a "sucker'' born every minute so if you work hard enough you can
sucker someone into taking care of all of your needs.

You can fool all of the people all of the time in order to get what you  want
out of them.

You must get others deeply involved in your life's problems in order for  you
to feel important, the center of attention, cared for, approved of, and
accepted.

You are most successful when you are able to "delegate'' to others what you
need to be doing for yourself.

If it works use it; worry about the consequences later.

Perception is reality, all that people are concerned about is their
perception about things not the truth or underlying reality of the real 
situation.


Ways to eliminate manipulation in your relationships

In order to cease using manipulation in your relationships with others, you
can try these steps:

First: Identify what behaviors you are using in your relationships with
others in order to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do for  you.

Second: Identify what issues in your life you are not wanting to accept
personal responsibility for and which lead you to manipulate others to ignore or
take care of for you.

Third: Identify your feelings about the issues in your life that you
manipulate others to address or ignore.

Fourth: Identify what irrational beliefs underlie your need to manipulate
others to take over the responsibility for the issues in your life.

Fifth: Identify what new beliefs about these issues would make you more
personally responsible and a more "authentic'' or "real'' person.

Sixth: Identify what fears block your taking personal responsibility for
these issues in your life and thus lead you to manipulate others to ignore or
take care of them for you.

Seventh: Identify new feelings about these issues which would help you to  be
more realistic and more responsible as you face these issues.

Eighth: Identify new healthy, more productive coping behaviors which you  can
put into practice which will help you to become more personally responsible
and less manipulative.

Ninth: Inform those people you have been manipulating to take care of you
that you are now going to take the full responsibility for these issues on your
own.

Tenth: Seek support from people in your life to assist you not to fall back
into manipulating others to ignore or to take care of these issues for  you.

Eleventh: Give permission to the people in your life to "call you on it''
when you are falling back into the manipulative behaviors by which you try to
control them to take responsibility for the issues in your life.

Twelfth: When you find yourself falling back into use of manipulation,
return to the first step and start over again.


Steps to eliminating manipulation in your life

Step 1: In order to eliminate the use of manipulation in your life, you
first need to identify the behaviors you use to manipulate others to ignore or
take over responsibility for your care and your problem life issues. To identify
  your manipulative behaviors, use the Manipulative Behavior Inventory in the
beginning of this chapter.

Step 2: Once you've identified the manipulative behaviors you use to get
people to do things for you to ignore your problems or to keep them off guard,
you then need to identify who are the people you manipulate. In your journal,
identify the people you manipulate.

Step 3: Why do you manipulate others? Identify in your journal the issues
present in your life which you manipulate others to address or ignore. Answer
the following questions about these issues.

A. How do you feel about each of these issues?

B. Why do you feel a need to manipulate others concerning these  issues?

C. Which issues do you want others to ignore or overlook?

D. Which issues do you want others to fix or change for you?

E. Which issues do you want others to feel responsible for?

F. Which issues overwhelm you? Which issues overwhelm others?

G. Which issues depress you? Anger you?

H. Which issues do you want to run away from?

I. Which issues do you feel helpless to deal with? Hopeless to cope  with?

Step 4:   In your journal now identify:

A. What irrational beliefs keep you from successfully coping with each  issue
identified in Step 3?

B. What new, healthy, more rational beliefs do you need in order to cope
with and handle these issues?

C. What thinking keeps you from accepting personal responsibility for your
problems and issues?

D. What new thinking do you need in order to accept personal responsibility
for your own problems and issues?

Step 5:   In your journal now identify what new, healthier, more  productive
behaviors you need to develop to address your problems and  issues.

Step 6:   Implement these new behaviors.

Step 7:   Inform people of your old manipulative behaviors and  give them
permission to "call you on it'' if you fall back into old manipulative  ways.

Step 8:   If you find yourself relapsing back into manipulative  behaviors to
get people to ignore or take care of you, then return to Step 1 and  begin
over again.






HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

If only  the abuser would stop! Codependency and addiction to  chaos...

Ironically, codependency isn't about other  people - it's about the
relationship with the self.  Codependents often  believe that if the addict,
alcoholic,
or abuser in their life got clean,  sobered up, or stopped abusing that their
problems would go away. Yet,  codependents in denial cannot adjust to the
relationship changes that occur when  their partner begins recovery. They may
move on to other addictive or abusive  relationships so they can cling to their
own dysfunctional patterns (the  controlling codependent is often lost without
someone to blame, fix,  save, and control!). How many times have you heard of
people who leave one  drug addict, alcoholic, or abuser only to enter a
relationship with another  one?

All people involved in the addictive cycle need  a solid recovery program if
relationships are to be preserved and they are to  lead happy, fulfilling
lives.

Codependency Recovery:

Recovery from codependency is deep work based  on shifting our relationship
with ourselves. We may have to let go if the people  in our lives are unwilling
to work through their issues.  "Firing" the  people we were codependent with
may be a part of that, but remember -  codependency is about us, not them!
Recovery from codependency involves  learning to take responsibility for our own
actions, feelings, behavior, issues,  and lives.

Codependents have as much difficulty accepting  their powerlessness over
people and events as alcoholics, addicts, and abusers  have regarding their own
powerlessness (many treatment modalities approach  codependency as an addiction
to control and/or caretaking.) Ongoing therapy and  a twelve step program
(CODA meetings or Al-Alon meetings if CODA meetings are  not available in your
area) are highly advised. Melody Beattie's Codependent No  More is recommended
reading, as is her book The Language of Letting Go.

Letting go of the need to control people,  places, and events is difficult,
but will ultimately set us free of our  self-defeating patterns, shame, and
fear. The investment in caretaking/control  take a lot of our energy - letting
that go frees our energy for more productive  uses.


Characteristics of  Codependency

Symptoms of Codependency:

Inability to know what "normal" is.
Difficulty in following a project through.
Difficulty having fun.
Judging self, others without mercy.
Low self esteem, often projected  onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their
act together!)
Difficulty  in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.
Belief that others  cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.
(Codependents often  use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was
made to feel  like____")
Overreacting to change (or intense fear of/inability to  deal with change.)
Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus  responding very
impulsively.
Constantly seeking approval and affirmation,  yet having compromised sense of
self.
Feelings of being different.
Confusion and sense of inadequacy.
Being either super responsible or  super irresponsible. (Or alternating
between these.)
Lack of self confidence  in making decisions, no sense of power in making
choices.
Feeling of fear,  insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are
denied.
Isolation  and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.
Fear of anger or  bottling anger up till it explodes.
Hypersensitivity to criticism.
Being  addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)
Dependency upon others and  fear of abandonment.
Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment  fears.
Confusion between love and pity.
Tendency to look for "victims"  to help.
Rigidity and need to control.
Lies, when it would be just as  easy to tell the truth.


Are you codependent?

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More  developed this check list:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their  feelings, thoughts, actions,
choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?
Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to
take care of their feelings?
Do you find it easier to feel and express anger  about injustices done to
others than about injustices done to you?
Do you  feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
Do you feel  insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
Do you feel empty, bored and  worthless if you don't have someone else to
take care of, a problem to solve, or  a crisis to deal with (addiction to drama
or chaos)?
Are you often unable to  stop talking, thinking and worrying about other
people and their problems?
Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
Do you stay  in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to
keep people  loving you?
Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't  work,
either?


Characteristics of  Codependency

Following is a commonly used list of  characteristics of codependency.

My good feelings about who I am stem from being  liked by you
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval  from you
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on  solving
your problems/relieving your pain
My mental attention is focused on  you
My mental attention is focused on protecting you
My mental attention  is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
My self-esteem is bolstered  by solving your problems
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your
hobbies/interests
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my  desires and I feel
you are a reflection of me
Your behaviour is dictated by  my desires and I feel you are a reflection of
me
I am not aware of how I  feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what  you want. I am not aware - I
assume
The dreams I have for my future are  linked to you
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
My fear  of your anger determines what I say or do
I use giving as a way of feeling  safe in our relationship
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself  with you
I put my values aside in order to connect with you
I value your  opinion and way of doing things more than my own
The quality of my life is  in relation to the quality of yours


What is Codependency?

These patterns and characteristics are offered  as a tool to aid in self
evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to  newcomers as they begin to
understand codependency and may aid those who have  been in recovery a while
determining what traits still need attention and  transformation.

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am  feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself  as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of
others.
Low Self  Esteem Patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge  everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am  embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others  to meet my needs or desires.
I value other's approval of my thinking,  feelings, and behaviors over my
own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable  or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:

I compromise my own values and integrity to  avoid rejection or others'
anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are  feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful  situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own  and am often afraid
to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I  put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I  accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:

I believe most other people are incapable of  taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they  "should" think and how they
"truly" feel.
I become resentful when others  will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions  without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I  use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to  have a relationship with others.


Characteristics of Codependent  People

We have an overdeveloped sense of  responsibility and it is easier for us to
be concerned with others rather than  ourselves. This in turn enabled us not
to look too closely at our faults.
We  "stuff" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the
ability to  feel or express our feelings because it hurts too much.
We are isolated from  and afraid of people and authority figures.
We have become approval seekers  and have lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people  and any personal criticism.
We live from the viewpoint of victims and are  attacked by that weakness in
our love and friendship relationships.
We judge  ourselves harshly and have a low sense of self esteem.
We are dependent  personalities who are terrified of abandonment. We will do
anything to hold onto  a relationship in order to not experience painful
abandonment feelings which we  received from living with people who were never
there emotionally for us.
We  experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of
giving in to  others.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and  rescue.
We have either become chemically dependent, married one or both, or  found
another compulsive personality, such a workaholic to fulfill our own  compulsive
needs.
We have become addicted to excitement.
We are reactors  in life rather than actors.


Signs and Symptoms of  Codependency

Codependency involves a habitual system of  thinking, feeling, and behaving
toward ourselves and others that can cause pain.  Codependent behaviors or
habits are self-destructive.

We frequently react to people who are  destroying themselves; we react by
learning to destroy ourselves. These habits  can lead us into, or keep us in,
destructive relationships that don't work.  These behaviors can sabotage
relationships that may otherwise have worked. These  behaviors can prevent us
from
finding peace and happiness with the most  important person in our lives...
ourselves. These behaviors belong to the only  person we can change.. ourselves.
These are our problems.

The following are characteristics of  codependent persons: (We started to do
these things out of necessity to protect  ourselves and meet our needs.)

CareTaking

Codependents may:

Think and feel responsible for other  people---for other people's feelings,
thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs,  well-being, lack of well-being, and
ultimate destiny.
Feel anxiety, pity,  and guilt when other people have a problem.
Feel compelled - almost forced -  to help that person solve the problem, such
as offering unwanted advice, giving  a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or
fixing feelings.
Feel angry when  their help isn't effective.
Anticipate other people's needs.
Wonder why  others don't do the same for them.
Don't really want to be doing, doing more  than their fair share of the work,
and doing things other people are capable of  doing for themselves.
Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do,  tell themselves what
they want and need is not important.
Try to please  others instead of themselves.
Find it easier to feel and express anger about  injustices done to others
rather than injustices done to themselves.
Feel  safest when giving.
Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and
nobody gives to them.
Find themselves attracted to needy people.
Find  needy people attracted to them.
Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they  don't have a crisis in their lives,
a problem to solve, or someone to help.
Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
Overcommit themselves.
Feel harried and pressured.
Believe deep  inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
Blame others for the  spot the codependents are in.
Say other people make the codependents feel  the way they do.
Believe other people are making them crazy.
Feel angry,  victimized, unappreciated, and used.
Find other people become impatient or  angry with them for all of the
preceding characteristics.
Low Self  Worth

Codependents tend to:

Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional  families.
Deny their family was troubled, repressed or dysfunctional.
Blame themselves for everything.
Blame others for everything.
Pick on  themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look,
act, and  behave.
Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indigent when others blame  and
criticize the codependents -- something codependents regularly do to 
themselves.
Reject compliments or praise.
Get depressed from a lack of  compliments and praise (stroke deprivation).
Feel different from the rest of  the world.
Think they're not quite good enough.
Feel guilty about  spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun
things for themselves.
Fear rejection.
Take things personally.
Have been victims of sexual,  physical, or emotional abuse,neglect,
abandonment, or alcoholism.
Feel like  victims.
Tell themselves they can't do anything right.
Be afraid of  making mistakes.
Wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
Have a lot of "shoulds".
Feel a lot of guilt.
Feel ashamed of who  they are.
Think their lives are not worth living.
Try to help other  people live their lives instead.
Get artificial feelings of self-worth from  helping others.
Get strong feelings of low self-worth - embarrassment,  failure, etc...from
other people's failures and problems.
Wish good things  would happen to them.
Believe good things never will happen.
Believe  they don't deserve good things and happiness.
Wish others would like and  love them.
Believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
Try to prove they're good enough for other people.
Settle for being  needed.
Repression


Many Codependents:

Push their thoughts and feelings out of their  awareness because of fear and
guilt.
Become afraid to let themselves be who  they are.
Appear rigid and controlled.
Obsession


Codependents tend to:

Feel terribly anxious about problems and  people.
Worry about the silliest things.
Think and talk a lot about  other people.
Lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior.
Worry.
Never Find answers.
Check on people.
Try to catch people  in acts of misbehavior.
Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying  about other people or
problems.
Abandon their routine because they are so  upset about somebody or something.
Focus all their energy on other people  and problems.
Wonder why they never have any energy.
Wonder why they  can't get things done.
Controlling


Many codependents:

Have lived through events and with people that  were out of control, causing
the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen
naturally.
Don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.
Think  they know best how things should turn out and how people should
behave.
Try  to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion,
threats,  advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
Eventually fail in their efforts  or provoke people's anger.
Get frustrated and angry.
Feel controlled by  events and people.
Denial


Codependents tend to:

Ignore problems or pretend they aren't  happening.
Pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
Tell  themselves things will be better tomorrow.
Stay busy so they don't have to  think about things.
Get confused.
Get depressed or sick.
Go to  doctors and get tranquilizers.
Become workaholics.
Spend money  compulsively.
Overeat.
Pretend those things aren't happening either.
Watch problems get worse.
Believe lies.
Lie to themselves.
Wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.
Dependency


Many codependents:

Don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with  themselves.
Look for happiness outside themselves.
Latch onto whoever or  whatever they think can provide happiness.
Feel terribly threatened by the  loss of any thing or person they think
proves their happiness.
Didn't feel  love and approval from their parents.
Don't love themselves.
Believe  other people can't or don't love them.
Desperately seek love and approval.
Often seek love from people incapable of loving.
Believe other people  are never there for them.
Equate love with pain.
Feel they need people  more than they want them.
Try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
Don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
Worry whether  other people love or like them.
Don't take time to figure out if they love  or like other people.
Center their lives around other people.
Look for  relationships to provide all their good feelings.
Lost interest in their own  lives when they love.
Worry other people will leave them.
Don't believe  they can take care of themselves.
Stay in relationships that don't work.
Tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
Feel trapped in  relationships.
Wonder if they will ever find love.


Poor  Communication

Codependents frequently:

Control.
Blame.
Threaten.
Coerce.
Beg.
Bribe.
Advise.
Don't say what they mean.
Don't mean  what they say.
Don't know what they mean.
Don't take themselves  seriously.
Think other people don't take the codependents seriously.
Take themselves too seriously.
Ask for what they want and need  indirectly - sighing, for example.
Find it difficult to get to the point.
Aren't sure what the point is.
Gauge their words carefully to achieve a  desired effect.
Try to say what they think will please people.
Try to  say what they think will provoke people.
Try to say what they hop will make  people do what they want them to do.
Eliminate the word NO from their  vocabulary.
Talk too much.
Talk about other people.
Avoid talking  about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
Say everything is  their fault.
Say nothing is their fault.
Believe their opinions don't  matter.
Want to express their opinions until they know other people's  opinions.
Lie to protect and cover up for people they love.
Have a  difficult time asserting their rights.
Have a difficult time expressing  their emotions honestly, openly, and
appropriately.
Think most of what they  have to say is unimportant.
Begin to talk in Cynical, self-degrading, or  hostile ways.
Apologize for bothering people.
Weak  Boundaries


Codependents frequently:

Say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from  other people.
Gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and  do things
they said they would never do.
Let others hurt them.
Keep  letting others hurt them.
Wonder why they hurt so badly.
Complain,  blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
Finally get  angry.
Become totally intolerant.
Lack of Trust

Codependents:

Don't trust themselves.
Don't trust their  feelings.
Don't trust their decisions.
Don't trust other people.
Try  to trust untrustworthy people.
Think God has abandoned them.
Lose faith  and trust in God.
Anger


Many Codependents:

Feel very scared, hurt, and angry.
Live  with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.
Are afraid of their own  anger.
Are frightened of other people's anger.
Think people will go away  if anger enters the picture.
Feel controlled by other people's anger.
Repress their angry feelings.
Think other people make them feel angry.
Are afraid to make other people feel anger.
Cry a lot, get depressed,  overact, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get
even, act hostile, or have  violent temper outbursts.
Punish other people for making the codependents  angry.
Have been shamed for feeling angry.
Place guilt and shame on  themselves for feeling angry.
Feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment,  and bitterness.
Feel safer with their anger than hurt feelings.
Wonder  if they'll ever not be angry.
Sex Problems


Some codependents:

Are caretakers in the bedroom.
Have sex  when they don't want to.
Have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and  loved.
Try to have sex when they're angry or hurt.
Refuse to enjoy sex  because they're so angry at their partner.
Are afraid of losing control.
Have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
Withdraw  emotionally from their partner.
Feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
Don't talk about it.
Force themselves to have sex, anyway.
Reduce  sex to a technical act.
Wonder why they don't enjoy sex.
Lose interest  in sex.
Make up reasons to abstain.
Wish their sex partner would die, go  away, or sense the codependent's
feelings.
Have strong sexual fantasies  about other people.
Consider or have an extramarital affair.
Miscellaneous


Codependents tend to:

Be extremely responsible.
Be extremely  irresponsible.
Become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of  others for causes
that don't require sacrifice.
Find it difficult to feel  close to people.
Find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
Have  an overall passive response to codependency - crying, hurt,
helplessness.
Have an overall aggressive response to codependency - violence, anger,
dominance.
Combine passive and aggressive responses.
Vacillate in  decisions and emotions.
Laugh when they feel like crying.
Stay loyal to  their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
Be ashamed about family,  personal, or relationship problems.
Be confused about the nature of the  problem.
Cover up, lie, and protect the problem.
Not seek help because  they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or
they aren't important  enough.
Wonder why the problem doesn't go away.
Progressive


In the later stages of codependency,  codependents may:

Feel lethargic.
Feel depressed.
Become  withdrawn and isolated.
Experience a complete loss of daily routine and  structure.
Abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
Feel hopeless.
Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel  trapped in.
Think about suicide.
Become violent.
Become seriously  emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
Experience an eating disorder  (over - or under eating).
Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs.






HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you  are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those  who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo!  Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

4: Tools for Handling Control Issues

What is detachment?

Detachment is the:

Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from  being
sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or
thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom
you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on
life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have
become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able
  to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see  another
person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for  their
failure or faltering.

Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without
the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.

Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and
recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and
unchangeable realities of life.

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to
experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable
  and rational point.

Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility
for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come
  to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for
them.

Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you
"want them to be.''

Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in  the
past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.


What are the negative effects not detaching?

If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:

Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on you.

Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places, or
with things, which you do not really want to do.

Can become an obsessive "fix it'' who needs to fix everything you perceive
to be imperfect.

Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience
from people, places, or things.

Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the
people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control you.

Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which
control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if 
you
are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.

Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these
people, places, or things project.

Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect
for people, places, or things important to you even if it means your own life
becomes unhealthy.

Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater
low self-esteem as a result.

Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it,  if
you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place, or thing is
unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.

Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in  the
relationship will worsen.

Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value
or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the
unhealthy person, place, or thing.


How is detachment a control issue?

Detachment is a control issue because:

It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control'' issues in your
life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control.''

If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person,
place, or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under
your control.

The ability to "keep distance'' emotionally or physically requires
self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of 
control.''

If you are not able to detach from another person, place, or thing, you
might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.

You might be mesmerized, brainwashed, or psychically in a trance when you
are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.

You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone
for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply
  involved.

You might be an addicted "caretaker,'' "fixer,'' or "rescuer'' who cannot
"let go'' of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.

You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,''
overdependency, or "hooks'' that you cannot leave them to solve their own 
problems.

If you do not detach from people, places, or things, you could be so busy
trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your attention from
yourself and your own needs.

By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really a
controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal'' for them.

Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places, and things
from which you have become detached, you will have given them the "freedom''
to  become what they will be on their own merit, power, control, and
responsibility.

It allows every person, place, or thing with which you become involved to
feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent, and
autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please
you  by what they become.


What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?

They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.

What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay
involved to avoid this.

You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you
reduced your involvement with them.

They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now  would
be a crime.

You need them as much as they need you.

You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is
the day'' you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their
needs.

They have so many problems, they need you.

Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love
and care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no way at all.

If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change
to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.

How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do  more
to help them.

Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You
could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much
emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.

You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from  you
so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?

The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for
all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.

If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good  relationship
with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering,  problems, and
troubles.

When they are in "trouble'' how can you ignore their "pleas'' for help? It
seems cruel and inhuman.

When you see people in trouble, confused, and hurting, you must always get
involved and try to help them solve the problems.

When you meet people who are "helpless,'' you must step in to give them
assistance, advice, support, and direction.

You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional, or
physical, when another is in dire need of help.

You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist
others to be happy and successful.

You can never "give too much'' when it comes to providing emotional  support,
comforting, and care of those whom you love and cherish.

No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be
forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.

Tough love is a cruel, inhuman, and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with
the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when
they  are in trouble since "love'' is the answer to all problems.


How to develop detachment

In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or
thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things
which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional  well-being.

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things
which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your  own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by
admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you 
can
change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of
the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and
things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you
have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue
another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need
to
change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky
clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that 
there
is something "wrong'' with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame
others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions,
feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you
can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick''  behaviors
and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to  persons,
places, and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current
life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life,
label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative
  impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which
impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better
the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power
  to change.


Steps in developing detachment

Step 1:    It is important to first identify those people,  places, and
things in your life from which you would be best to develop  emotional
detachment
in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional, and  spiritual health.
To do this you need to review the following types of toxic  relationships and
identify in your journal if any of the people, places, or  things in your life
fit any of the following twenty categories.

Types of Toxic Relationships

( 1)      You find it hard to let go of because it  is addictive.

( 2)      The other is emotionally unavailable to  you.

( 3)      Coercive, threatening, intimidating to  you.

( 4)      Punitive or abusive to you.

( 5)      Non-productive and non-reinforcing for  you.

( 6)      Smothering you.

( 7)      Other is overly dependent on  you.

( 8)      You are overly dependent on the  other.

( 9)      Other has the power to impact your  feelings about yourself.

(10)     Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer,  rescuer, or enabler.


(11)     Relationship in which your obligation and  loyalty won't allow you
to let go.

(12)     Other appears helpless, lost, and out of  control.

(13)     Other is self-destructive or  suicidal.

(14)     Other has an addictive disease.

(15)     Relationship in which you are being  manipulated and conned.

(16)     When guilt is a major motivating factor  preventing your letting go
and detaching.

(17)     Relationship in which you have a fantasy or  dream that the other
will come around and change to be what you  want.

(18)     Relationship in which you and the other are  competitive for
control.

(19)     Relationship in which there is no forgiveness  or forgetting and all
past hurts are still brought up to hurt one  another.

(20)     Relationship in which your needs and wants are  ignored.

Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places, and things you have a
toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work
through the following steps.

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which
prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with
healthy, more rational ones.

Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your
physical, emotional, and spiritual health is being threatened by the 
relationship.

Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or thing
is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what you say, do,
or  demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that
there  is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others
are the  unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will
be better  than what they really are. Hand these people, places, or things over
to your  Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.

Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go
and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from
guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks'' in the relationship.

Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves'' healthy,
wholesome, health engendering relationships in your life. You are a GOOD PERSON 
and
deserve healthy relationships, at home, work, and in the community.

Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional
enmeshment with these relationships.

Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to  continue
to let go and detach.

Step 10: Continue to give no person, place, or thing the power to affect or
impact your feelings about yourself.

Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and
self-healing as this poem implies.

"Letting Go''

To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring.

It means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go'' is not to cut myself off.

It's the realization I can't control another.

   To "let go'' is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

   To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

   To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.

It's to make the most of myself.

To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.

   To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.

   To "let go'' is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

   To "let go'' is not to be protective.

It's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

   To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

   To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires

but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

   To "let go'' is to not regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

   To "let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.

Step 12:  If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1  and
begin all over again.


What is unconditional love and acceptance?

To love and accept other people unconditionally is:

Placing no conditions on the other as to how to behave or what to be in
order to receive acceptance and love from you.

No use if...then...clauses in establishing conditions for accepting and
loving another.

Taking a risk to be open and vulnerable with another with no pre-set limits
on the relationship.

"Existence" as sole rationale is to accept and love other people for the
fact that they exist rather than for what they are.

Value others for themselves rather than for what they do or have done.

No strings attached to hold people in an esteemed position with acceptance
and love because they exist in your world rather than for what they do for you.

Freedom to be own person is to

Self-esteem enhancing is to set the stage for others to feel warmth,  caring,
and concern for themselves which results in their growing in self-esteem  and
self-worth.


How do you feel when you receive unconditional love and  acceptance?

When you are the recipient of unconditional acceptance and love from  others,
you feel:

Free to be yourself.

You have value and worth.

Wanted and desired for you as you rather than for what you do.

Listened to and understood.

That you have yourself to offer others which in itself is worthwhile.

Warmth, cared for, and nurtured.

You are OK just the way you are.

That there is no need to wear a mask or to act in any way just to please
another.

Free to be yourself and to open up your feelings with no fear of rejection
or non-approval.

That it is possible to take the risk to be vulnerable with others in order
to have open and honest relationships with them.

No fear of retribution or reprisal from others if you should make a mistake
or experience a failure.

That there are no conditions set on your relationships with others.


What are the negative consequences of a lack of unconditional love and
acceptance?

When people are not given unconditional acceptance and love, then they:

Feel constrained to act in ways which are inconsistent with their beliefs
and feelings.

Lack the freedom to be themselves.

Live their lives to please others rather than to please themselves.

Are not given the freedom to experience the natural consequences of their
own actions and decisions.

Can become dependent on others to make them feel good about themselves.

Can become very rule bound and perfectionistic in seeking to do what is
"right'' or "expected'' of them in order to be accepted or loved.

Are more likely to experience low self-esteem and low self-worth.

Feel misunderstood, not approved of, and defensive.

Have poor relationship skills and experience failed relationships.

Work harder at meeting conditions and expectations set for them by others
than working at becoming self-directed, self-sufficient, and self-reliant.

Can become withdrawn and isolate themselves so as not to experience future
rejection and non-approval.

Confuse the need to follow rules and obey directions as the only way to be
accepted and loved by others.

Believe that they can never fail or make a mistake because they would never
be worthy of love or acceptance from others.

Do not learn how to accept and love themselves unconditionally and  therefore
are very self-critical, self-disapproving and self-punitive.

Tend to set unrealistic, no-achievable, and overly idealistic expectations
for themselves which must first be met in order to accept and love themselves.

Become their own worst critics who are never able to unconditionally accept
and love themselves.


How is giving others unconditional love and acceptance a control  issue?

Giving others conditional acceptance and love is a control issue because:

Internal "locus of control'' is strengthened for the others in your life  who
receive unconditional love and acceptance..

It is controlling and manipulative to set conditions which must be met
before you fully accept and love others is controlling, manipulative, and, at
times, coercive.

Encourages overdependence since it is a way to keep others "in line'' and
dependent on meeting preset standards in order to be accepted and loved.

Impacts personal development if a pattern of thinking or believing is
developed on the basis of the need to meet conditions before one can be accepted
and loved and this irrational, unhealthy thinking can lead to self-hatred,
perfectionism, and self-criticism which controls one's way of managing and
directing life.

Impacts personal self-mastery when acceptance and love are freely given  with
no conditions, no strings, or if...then...clauses, then others have a
greater chance of loving themselves and practicing self-control in pursuit of
wellness and happiness.

Impact personal goal directedness when rules, conditions, and expectations
are set as the only way to be accepted or loved, the recipient of this
contingent love and acceptance may be more caught up in the goal of meeting 
these
conditions than in living freely, relaxing, and enjoying life guilt-free.

Can induce guilt  since guilt is often a way a person, place or thing  can be
manipulated and, if love and acceptance are conditional, then not meeting
these conditions can lead to guilt.

Can exacerbate the need for approval  which is often a result of  conditional
acceptance and love. In order to feel approval, a person can be a  ready
victim for manipulation, a con job, or intimidation.

Position of power in that it puts you into a position of power to influence
how the other feels and responds to self.

Increase vulnerability of others if they are nurture-needy, wanting
acceptance and love from others, it places them in a vulnerable position to be
manipulated, coerced, intimidated, abused, and hurt.

Attracts unhealthy partners because often people telegraph nonverbally  their
dependent need for acceptance and love and as a result attract people to
them who will use, abuse, and take advantage of them.


Healthy alternatives to the irrational thinking about unconditional  love and
acceptance

Irrational: You should always obey rules, accept limits, and meet another's
expectations and conditions before you can expect that other to accept and
love you.

Healthy: Following rules, accepting limits, and meeting expectations and
conditions are often necessary for survival in this world but are not necessary
conditions to be accepted and loved by others.

Irrational: Parents  should require their children to obey their rules,
accepting limits set, and  meet up to the expectations and conditions set for
them
before the parents show  acceptance and love for the children.

Healthy: Parents first need to accept and love the child because the child
exists. Only once the child feels this acceptance and love will the child more
likely obey the rules, accept limits, and meet the expectations in a healthy
way.

Irrational: The goal in life is to scope out the "rules of the  games'' in
the workplace, school, family, community, and relationships so as to  gain
acceptance and love by playing the games by the rules.

Healthy: It is politically healthy to scope out the rules of the games so  as
to "survive'' in the workplace, school, family, community, and relationships
but such survival does not always guarantee acceptance and love. Home,
workplace, school, family, the community, and relationships can be too sick or
toxic to offer acceptance or love even after all of the "rules'' of the game
have been followed. In such cases, you need to look outside of these
environments for the unconditional acceptance and love you need to feel healthy,
fulfilled, and fully human.

Irrational: If you want people to do  things for you, all you need to do is
to offer them unconditional acceptance and  love.

Healthy: Using unconditional acceptance and love to get others "to do'' for
you is manipulation and conning others to benefit yourself. It is a toxic
behavior.

Irrational: There is no such thing as unconditional  acceptance and love.
There are always strings attached somewhere.

Healthy: It is possible to accept and love a person unconditionally with no
ulterior motive.

Irrational: It is impossible to discipline a child  and still accept and love
the child unconditionally.

Healthy: It is possible to not like a child's behavior and actions and
develop logical consequences or disciplinary actions which the child must abide 
by
and still love and accept the child unconditionally as seen in the statement,
  "I accept and love you unconditionally. It's just your behaviors which I
don't  like right now and it is because I love you that I am making you
experience the  negative consequence of your own actions.''

Irrational: You must be  perfect in everything you do or others will not
accept or love you.

Healthy: You are a human being subject to faults, failings, and mistakes  and
yet you are deserving to be accepted and loved not because you are perfect
but because you are you.

Irrational: It is impossible to  unconditionally accept and love another
person.

Healthy:   To accept and love another person unconditionally is  possible as
long as you give yourself the freedom, risk-taking behaviors and  trust to
extricate or emotionally detach from the relationship if it becomes  toxic.

Irrational: It is impossible to accept and love another and  at the same time
be emotionally detached.

Healthy: By being emotionally detached you do not automatically cease your
acceptance and love of another. It only means that you are separating yourself
from the toxic elements of the relationship so as not to get  hurt.

Irrational:    It is good for children to  experience all of the negative
conditions of life in their relationships in  order to grow up realistic about
themselves and the world.

Healthy:   The words of the poem Children Learn What They Live by  an unknown
author state clearly that it is healthier for children to experience
unconditional positive acceptance and love if they are to grow up into healthy,
self-loving people.


Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism,

he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,

he learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule,

he learns to feel shy.

If a child lives with shame,

he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance,

he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement,

he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise,

he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness,

he learns justice.

If a child lives with security,

he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval,

he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

he learns to find love in the world.


How to begin to unconditionally accept and love other people

In order to unconditionally accept and love yourself and others you need  to:

First: Identify what are the conditions which you force others to meet
before you are accepting and loving of them.

Second: Analyze these conditions and expectations which you set for others
in order to identify why they block you from being unconditional.

Third: Analyze if these conditions are reasonable, rational, or realistic
and develop healthy alternative scripts which free you up to be more
unconditional with others.

Fourth: Recognize that the limits and rules of appropriate behaviors which
you expect others to conform to are rules for survival, decency, getting along,
  coping, productivity, sense, and order but are not the determinants of
freely  accepting and loving them.

Fifth:

Sixth: Practice eliminating any conditions as you face others and attempt  to
accept and love them freely, generously, and with no limitations.

Seventh:

Eighth:

Ninth: Emphasize with others that it is because you love and accept them so
entirely and freely that you want them to experience the positive or negative
consequences of their own actions and that such consequences do not affect
your  acceptance or love of them.

Tenth: Clarify that "tough love'' is the continuous unconditional  acceptance
and love of others but yet holds the target of such love to be fully
personally responsible for their own actions and the consequences of those 
actions.

Eleventh: Use the following words of Frederick S. Perls as you enter into  or
alter relationships with others to make them unconditionally accepting and
loving.

I do my thing and you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,

and you are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you and I am I

and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.


Steps to increase in unconditional acceptance and love of self and  others

Step 1: Read the following poem and in your journal respond to the  questions
which follow the poem.

Unconditionally Me

by Jim Messina

I am who I am

You cannot change me so please do not try

So let up with the criticisms, put downs and attempts to make me fit your
"box" for me

Face it, it is easier for you just to accept me as I am than to work at
making me who you want me to be

Of course you do not have to agree with what I say or do

Just accept me as the human I am

I am weak, have sinned, failed, and have made many mistakes in my life

Hey, that's what makes me the "unique me" that I am

I will never be perfect, ideal, or the "image" you want for me

Accept me for who I am as I accept you for who you are

Let's have fun together and allow our "real selves" the freedom to be "us"

We can be a team of unconditional mutual love and acceptance if you relax
and let it happen

How well do you unconditionally love and accept the following people in  your
life

Family members?

Colleagues at work or school?

Friends?

Support network?

Work or school site?

Community?

Temple, Synagogue, Church?

People who offer you help?

For each of the people you listed above answer the following in your  journal:

1. What are the conditions placed on them before you can accept and love
them?

2. Why are these conditions blocks to your freely accepting and loving  them?

3. Are these conditions reasonable, rational, or realistic? If not, then
develop alternative scripts to free you up to accept and love these people

4. What are the rules or limits for survival, decency, getting along,
coping, productivity, and sense and order which have become confused as the
determinant conditions preventing you from unconditionally accepting and loving
these people?

5. How does your need to fix, rescue, or change others interfere with your
unconditional love of these people?

6. How would emotional detachment from all of these people help you to then
accept and love them more unconditionally?

7. How is your current conditional acceptance and love of these people
affected by their ways of conditionally accepting and loving you?

8. How well do these people allow you to be you? How well do you allow them
to be themselves?

9. How free are you and they to openly express feelings, admit faults and
failings, and to experience excitement and enjoyment in life with each  other?

Step 2: Once you have made a thorough assessment of how well you
unconditionally accept and love others, then you need to recognize that to 
increase in
unconditional acceptance and love of others opens you and the others  to be
vulnerable by taking risks, as John Wood so clearly points out in this  poem.
Once you read the poem, answer in your journal the questions which follow  it.

Taking a Risk

I will present you parts of myself slowly.

If you are patient and tender, I will open drawers that mostly stay closed,
and bring out places and people and things, sounds and smells, love and
frustrations, hopes and sadness.

Bits and pieces of life that have been grabbed off in chunks and found  lying
in my hands they have eaten their way into my heart altogether, you or I
will never see them.

-They are me-

If you regard them lightly, deny that they are important, or worse C judge
them. I will quietly Y slowly Y begin to wrap them up in small pieces of
velvet,  like worn silver and gold jewelry, tuck them away in a small wooden
chest
of  drawers and close them away.

A.    How do the following fears or behaviors block your  ability to
unconditionally accept and love the people you listed in Step 1?

Fear of taking a risk

Inability to trust others

Insecurity

Fear of being vulnerable

Fear of failure

Need for approval

Fear of rejection

Inability to identify feelings

Inability to forgive and forget

Inability to establish intimacy

B. How does perfectionism and the need to be exact, right, or correct  hinder
your ability to be unconditional in your acceptance and love of  others?

C. How would an increase in faith and development of your spirituality with
your Higher Power assist you to be more unconditional?

D. How would emotionally detaching from the toxic elements in your
relationships with others free you up to be more unconditional?

E. What are those things you would lose if you unconditionally accepted and
loved the others listed in Step 1? What would you gain or recapture?

F. What new beliefs and behaviors do you need to develop in order to be  able
to unconditionally accept others?

G. How would you practice "Tough Love'' for each one listed in Step 1 and
how would this new approach free you up to be more unconditional in your
acceptance and love for them?

H.  What are the blocks which up to now kept you from allowing the  people
listed to experience the natural consequences of their own actions?

I.  How did your need to protect these people from making a mistake or
experiencing a failure prevent you from freely accepting and loving them?

J. How comfortable are you now with each person listed to begin to be more
unconditional with your acceptance and love?

Step 3: Once you have looked at the blocks to being unconditional in your
acceptance and love of self and others, then begin to practice this new behavior
  with those people listed in Step 1.

Step 4: If you are still experiencing difficulty in being unconditional in
your acceptance and love others, then return to Step 1 and begin again.


Off the Internet

Three Men

Slightly Cracked, but ...ok!

Three Men

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards
sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said, "I don't think 
I
know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to  eat."

"Is the man of the house home?", they asked. "No," she said. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in," they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!" The woman went out and invited the
  men in. "We do not go into a House together," they replied. "Why is that?"
she  wanted to know.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one
of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and  I am
Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us
you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was
overjoyed. "How nice!!," he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth.
Let him come and fill our home with wealth!" His wife disagreed. "My dear, why
don't we invite Success?" Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other
corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be
better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"

"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love?
Please come in and be our guest." Love got up and started walking toward the
house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked 
Wealth
and Success: "I only invited Love, why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the
other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever he
goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and  Success!

Up

Slightly Cracked but...ok!

Don't worry about knowing people, just make yourself worth knowing.

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the
answer.

If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.

True friends have hearts that beat as one.

If you cannot think of any nice things to say about your friends, then you
have the wrong friends.

Make friends before you need them.

If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?

A good friend is one who neither looks down on you nor keeps up with  you.

Be friendly with the folks you know. If it weren't for them you would be a
total stranger.

A friend is never known till he is needed.

Friendship is a responsibility...not an opportunity.

Friendship is the cement that holds the world together.

Friends are those who speak to you after others quit.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his
tongue.

Pick your friends, but not to pieces.

A friend is one who puts his finger on a fault without rubbing it in.

The way to have friends is to be willing to lose some arguments.

If a friend makes a mistake, don't rub it in....rub it out.

Deal with other's faults as gently as if they were your own.

People are judged by the company they keep and the company they keep away
from.

A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing your  shine.

The best mirror is an old friend.

The best possession one may have is a true friend.

Make friendship a habit, and you will always have friends.

You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults.

Doing nothing for your friends results in having no friends to do  for.

Anyone can give advice, and yet a real friend will lend a helping  hand.

You can make more friends by being interested in them than trying to have
them be interested in you.

A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets  you
forget it.

A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

You can buy friendship with friendship, but never with dollars.

True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare; false friends are like
autumn leaves, found everywhere.

A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're  slightly
cracked.








HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Angry Person's Codependence

by Dr. Irene Matiatos

_http://www.drirene.com/inside.htm_ (http://www.drirene.com/inside.htm)





HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Some Causes of  Codependency


A Definition of Codependency

(a) "A codependent person is one who has let another person's  behavior
affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's  behavior"
(Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 31);

(b) "Codependency can be defined as an addiction to people,  behaviors, or
things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior  feelings by
controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the  codependent,
control, or the lack of it, is central to every aspect of life.  When it comes
to
people, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in  the other
person that the sense of self -- personal identity -- is severely  restricted,
crowded out by that other person's identity and problems" (Love is a  Choice, by
Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier, p. 11);

(c) "Codependency is the condition when your love tanks are  running on
empty" (Ibid., p. 38);

(d) "Codependency is a pattern of painful dependency on  compulsive behaviors
and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety,  self-worth, and
identity" (Definition used at the first national conference on  codependency in
1989, Bobgan, p. 17).


Some Causes of Codependency

What causes a person to become codependent and what are the  effects of this
"illness" on the life of the codependent? Minirth and Meier  claim the causes
of codependency are: "unmet emotional needs, lost childhood,  and the
compulsion to fix the dysfunctional family" (Ibid., p. 15). While these 
"causes" are
interrelated, we will nevertheless take them one at a time:

Unmet Emotional Needs: The theory is that we each have a  reservoir for love
(or love tank) inside us. If our love tank has not been  filled by the
"significant others" in our lives, we will not have our emotional  needs met; we
will, therefore, become a codependent (see Ibid., p. 33ff).This is  especially
true of children.

Lost Childhood: Children lose their childhood through abuse,  usually by
parents or parental figures. Active abuse, such as incest, physical  abuse, or
even excessive anger on a parent's part is the most recognized form of  abuse --
abuse that we must not deny or minimize. However, the codependency  gurus tell
us of more subtle forms of abuse that apparently leave similar scars  on a
child's life. Minirth and Meier inform us of the following forms of abuse,
often not recognized: one parent who is preoccupied and unavailable to a child
emotionally; a child who is not constantly praised; lack of touching and hugging
  in the family; parents not being at peace (with one another) sexually;
parents  who demand "too much"; parents depending too much on their children; a
parent  who is too rigid; etc. (Ibid., pp. 52-62).

The Compulsion to Fix the Dysfunctional Family: Minirth and  Meier tell us:
"We all possess a primal need to recreate the familiar, the  original family
situation, even if the familiar, the situation, is destructive  and painful"
(Ibid., p. 65). Why would anyone want to recreate a painful  situation? Because
we are compelled by our unconscious minds that actually  control (we are told)
eighty percent of our decisions (apparently without our  conscious knowledge;
Ibid., p. 65). But why would we "unconsciously" choose to  put ourselves
through such pain? Consider the following three reasons given by  followers of
codependency:

(a) We believe that if the original situation can be drummed  back into
existence, this time around we can fix it. We can cure the pain. We  know we
can!
The codependent possesses a powerful need to go back and fix what  was wrong;
he must cure the original pain.

(b) We believe that we were responsible for the rotten original  family;
therefore, we must be punished -- we deserve pain. Codependents may  actually be
hooked on misery.

(c) We believe that there is that yearning for the familiar and  the secure.
Even if the past was painful, at least it was home.

John Bradshaw, popular author and TV codependent guru, lays the  blame on the
Biblical teaching that everyone is born in a condition of sin. He  contends
that such teaching produces a "shame-based" personality destined to  become an
addict. He says: "Many religious denominations teach a concept of man  as
wretched and stained with original sin ... With original sin you're beat  before
you start" (Healing the Shame That Binds You, p. 64).


The Effects of Codependency

We are being told that it is very difficult to discern whether  the behavior
of a codependent was caused by his "illness," or the "illness" was  caused by
his behavior. At any rate, Melody Beattie groups the problems of  codependent
people around the following categories: caretaking, low self-worth,
repression, obsession, controlling, denial, dependency, poor communication, weak
boundaries, lack of trust, anger, sex problems, miscellaneous, and progressive
(Codependent No More, pp. 37-45). Minirth and Meier blame addictions and
compulsions on codependency.


The Cure

In order to recover from codependency, codependents must enter a  Twelve-Step
program specifically designed for them: Codependents Anonymous is  one such
program, which is almost identical to Alcoholics Anonymous, with only  minor
changes in the steps (see the Gilley report on 12-Step Recovery Programs).
Another option is to enter a clinic such as the Minirth-Meier New Life Clinic or
a Rapha Hospital Treatment Center, and go through their similar programs.

As a summation, the adherents of codependency would say:  "Codependents carry
distorted messages about their own sense of worth and such  messages
originate in dysfunctional families. Those messages must be erased  through
regressive
therapy and replaced with positive, self-enhancing messages"  (Bobgan, p. 46).








HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you  are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those  who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo!  Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Codependency Q and A

What is codependency? What's the definition?
How do I know  if I’m codependent?
Isn’t everyone codependent?
Why do we become  codependent? What causes it?
Melody Beattie writes that codependency is  unique in that recovery can be
fun and liberating. What does she mean?
How  can counseling help?

  A "no" uttered from deepest conviction is better and  greater  than a "yes"
merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid  trouble.

-Mahatma Gandhi


What is codependency? What's the definition?

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency  today. The
original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the  responses and
behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or  substance abuser. A
number of attributes can be developed as a result of those  conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a  definition which
describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving  developed
during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of  *maladaptive,
*compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to  survive in a family
which
is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which  get needs
met.

*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against  their own will
or conscious desires in which to behave.

*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical  dependency; chronic
mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse;  sexual abuse;
emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving  environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get  involved in
relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally  unavailable,
or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control  everything
within the relationship without addressing their own needs or  desires; setting
themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy  boundaries,
the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re  not likely
to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of  course
creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t  get
involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the
problems continue into each new relationship.


How do I know if I’m codependent?

Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in  relationships, you
tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a  need, if you’re
able to recognize you don’t play as much as others, or other  people point out
you could be more playful. Things like this can indicate you’re  codependent.


What are some of the symptoms?

controlling behavior
distrust
perfectionism
avoidance of feelings
intimacy problems
caretaking behavior
hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
physical illness related to stress
back to top of questions


Isn’t everyone codependent?

There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with  children that
look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each  other? Yes.
There is perhaps a continuum of codependency, that most people might  fall
on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be
assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can’t say
though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably don’t feel fulfilled
because of other things going on in the system at large.

Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the  object of
addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment  sets us up
to be addicted to something,  i.e. food, sex, drugs, power,  etc.

If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or  codependents. From
this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard  not to be
codependent. But it still doesn’t change that we’re not getting what  we
need and we’re
not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become  more fulfilled
and feel better about myself and the life I’m living?


Why do we become codependent? What causes it?

It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in  systems
(families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system 
(usually
parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem  such as
alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.

General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency  may include:

It’s not okay to talk about problems
Feelings should not be  expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
Communication is best if  indirect; one person acts as messenger between two
others; known in therapy as  triangulation
Be strong, good, right, perfect
Make us proud beyond  realistic expectations
Don’t be selfish
Do as I say not as I do
It’s  not okay to play or be playful
Don’t rock the boat.
Many families have  one or more of these rules in place within the family.
These kinds of rules can  constrict and strain the free and healthy development
of people’s self-esteem,  and coping. As a result, children can develop
non-helpful behavior  characteristics, problems solving techniques, and
reactions to
situations in  adult life


Melody Beattie writes that codependency is unique in that  recovery can be
fun and liberating. What does she mean?

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you  don't try.

--Beverly Sills

Oftentimes, a part of being codependent is a resistance to being  able to
HAVE FUN AND PLAY! ;) So part of recovery from codependency is learning  how to
let go and have fun. Therefore it’s bound to be liberating, and fun as we
learn how to let go and play.


How can counseling help?

For people with codependency, individual counseling can teach  assertiveness,
listening, and communication. Counseling can help you become more  aware of
non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new,  healthier
coping skills.

In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the  counselor
is aware of their own tendency towards codependence, or if the  counselor has
some understanding about the addictive push in our society.  Counselors, in the
case of codependency, need to present good boundary setting  and healthy
living themselves during sessions with clients. If a counselor  develops a
working
relationship with a client that has codependent qualities,  again, the
pattern is repeated, and therapy may not be as helpful. Some  statistics show
50-80%
of counselors have not addressed their own codependency  issues. So one must
be careful in choosing a counselor for this kind of support.

There are also self-help groups for codependency, called CODA  groups. More
information is available through local alcoholism services. If you  can’t find
a CODA group, there’s also ACA (adult children of alcoholics groups)  that
deal with similar issues CODA groups might deal with.




HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you  are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those  who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo!  Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

7: (Conclusion) Tools for Handling Control Issues

What are survival behaviors?

Survival behaviors are:

Those behaviors you needed to exhibit in order to survive in an abusive,
neglecting or ignoring environment in your family of origin, marriage, work, or
school setting.

The walls or barriers which you have built between you and others so that
you will never be hurt again like you were in the past.

Your pulled-in feelings which you are no longer willing to share with  others
lest they take advantage of your vulnerability.

The closing off of your vulnerable side for fear of being hurt again.

The insecurity and lack of trust you exhibit to others who reach out to  show
interest or concern to you.

Your lack of tolerance and apparent lack of empathy for the feelings of
people who have their own problems and are in pain. This is especially true if
you think their problems compared to your past ones are trivial or less severe.

The competitive way in which you deal with people always looking out for
"who is the winner or loser'' in each human transaction you encounter.

The coldness and disengagement you display as you describe your problems
from your past.

The often hostile, negativistic, sarcastic, and cynical attitude you hold
towards life.

The often bitter, acrid, and biting comments you make about aspects of your
life.

  The often uncontrollable anger, rage, and hatred that you exude as  you
speak of past hurts.

Your unwillingness to consider that there might be more viable options for
you to cope with life than your "tried and proven'' self-defensive model.

Your defensive and "closed in'' attitude when others suggest to you a
constructive criticism over something you have said or done.

Your inability to warm up to people and your shy and retiring ways whenever
you are in a new social situation.

Your fear of speaking up in a group of people lest they not accept or
approve of you.

Your desire to be invisible so as not to be hurt or abused in any way.

Your guardedness and watchfulness in your interactions with people lest  they
get to know too much about you for fear they take advantage of you with  that
information.


Survival behavior self-assessment

Survival Behaviors Inventory

Directions:  For each survival behavior, rate your level of exhibiting  it in
your life. Use the following rating scale.

1 = Never

2 = Rarely

3 = Sometimes

4 = Frequently

5 = Almost always

1  2   3  4  5  ( 1) Refusal to grow up -  This is a pattern in which you
think, feel, or act in a way that lets others  know you have no intention to
"grow up'' to think, feel, or act like an adult.

1  2   3  4  5  ( 2) Authority figure  conflict - This is a pattern of
thinking, feeling, or acting which places you in  direct conflict with the
authority
figures in your life. This often results in  your jumping from job to job

1  2   3  4  5  ( 3) Unapproachability - This  is a pattern of behaviors
which is often unintentional and is based on your  shyness and aloofness with
others. This is a perception which others have of you  and as a result they
avoid
contact or involvement with you. They often perceive  you to be arrogant,
"better than thou,'' or "together'' when in fact you are  just the opposite.

1  2   3  4  5  ( 4) Shyness and aloofness -  This is a pattern of behaviors
which reflects your fear of involvement with  others. Others perceive you as
being distant and non-communicative. It reflects  your fear of rejection and
non-approval.

1  2   3  4  5  ( 5) Chip on your shoulder -  This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting which reflects your "tough  guy'' approach of challenging
others to take the first move to try to get the  chip off your shoulder. This
is a reflection of your unresolved past hurt and  pain and tends to put off
new people.

1  2   3  4  5  ( 6) Need for nurturance -  This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting which reflects the deficit of  parental male or female
nurturance in your life. It often results in your  intentional or unintentional
compulsive or addictive searching for male or  female affection, attention, or
approval in your life.

1  2   3  4  5  ( 7) Addictive relationships  - This is a pattern of your
developing relationships with others in which you  lose your ability to control
or temper your thinking, feeling, or acting to the  point where you are
obsessed and lose yourself in the other.

1  2   3  4  5  ( 8) Enmeshment of  relationships - This is a pattern in your
relationships where you "cling on'' so  that there is an overBbondedness
between you and the other. You hold on tightly  so as to ensure that no outside
influence intrudes to upset the balance you have  created.

1  2   3  4  5  ( 9) Loss of emotional  boundaries - This is a pattern in
your relationships in which you and the other  become unable to differentiate
feelings, attitudes, and beliefs from one  another. If one hurts or is in pain,
the other is hurt and in pain. This over  identification is a way to try to
ensure bonds of loyalty, trust, and fidelity.

1  2   3  4  5 (10) Lack of emotional empathy -  This is a pattern of
thinking, feeling, and acting based on the inability to be  open to the feelings
of
others so as to prevent your getting involved with them  at an emotional level.
This is a way to protect yourself from being vulnerable  to being hurt in
relationships if you get too close

1  2   3  4  5 (11) Inability to be intimate -  This is a pattern of
thinking, feeling, and acting which prevents you from  getting emotionally close
to
others. This is a method to protect yourself from  the hurt and pain if the
relationship should end in a negative way.

1  2   3  4  5 (12) Icebox behaviors - This is a  pattern of acting which
freezes others out of emotional involvement with you.  This is a way in which
you
keep others from getting too close to you lest if  they know you too well
they could hurt you as you have been hurt in the past.  Other names for this
are:
  Ice Woman, Ice Man, Freezer, Refrigerator, Ice  Cube, Icicle, or Cold.

1  2   3  4  5 (13) Lack of commitment - This is a  pattern of thinking,
feeling, or acting by which you never commit to anything so  as to prevent
yourself from being entangled or tied into anything in which you  might fail or
be
hurt.

1  2   3  4  5 (14) Antagonism - This is a pattern  of negativistic thinking,
feeling, and acting which reflects your  self-protectiveness from real or
perceived threats to you. This is a hostile  pattern which puts others off and
maintains emotional and physical distance  between you and them.

1  2   3  4  5 (15) Defensiveness - This is a  pattern of thinking, feeling,
and acting by which you are always "on guard''  from real or perceived threats
to you. This on guard attitude protects you from  "being wronged,'' "hurt,''
"unwanted,'' or "unloved.''  It reflects the "I  knew it wouldn't work out
anyway'' attitude in which you enter into  relationships with other people,
places, and things.

1  2   3  4  5 (16) Indecisiveness - This is a  pattern of thinking, feeling,
and acting which prevents you from ever being  "tied down'' to a decision
lest the decision be a wrong one. This prevents you  from being hurt by a
mistake
but it keeps you stuck from making progress in your  life.

1  2   3  4  5 (17) Irresponsibility - This is a  pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting in which you try to accept as little  responsibility for
yourself or others as you can. This results in your never  having to be
accountable
for anything which may go wrong or fail in your life.  Never wanting to be
"answerable'' for anything keeps you functioning in an  irresponsible way.

1  2   3  4  5 (18) Out of touch with reality -  This is a pattern of
thinking, feeling, or acting which allows you to deny the  reality of past
hurts,
injustices, or pain which you have experienced. This  denial of reality is based
on the belief that if you admitted reality for what  it was you would go
insane from the shame, pain, misery, suffering, horror,  rage, anger, and shock
you
would experience from facing it the way it was. This  being out of touch,
however, keeps you from progressing along in your current  life due to the
amount
of "unfinished business'' you avoid by denying and being  out of touch.

1  2   3  4  5 (19) Lack of conscience - This is a  pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting by which you never allow yourself to be  bothered by
anything
negative you have done to yourself or others. This is often  a result of your
inability to face the harm you've done to others. Since you  feel you have
been so badly treated in the past, you have a hard time admitting  you have or
are doing the same to others.

1  2   3  4  5 (20) Denial of feelings - This is a  pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting by which you do not admit to having any  positive or
negative
feelings about your past or current life. This is a way to  protect yourself
from pain, hurt, shame, and upset. But it also keeps you from  experiencing the
enjoyment, pleasure, and satisfaction of the positive aspects  of your life.
This makes it difficult for others to relate to you since they  can't get a
clear picture of who you are by "pinning you down'' on how you feel  towards
them or anything else in your life.

1  2   3  4  5 (21) Invisibility - This is a  pattern of thinking, feeling,
or acting by which your goal is not to be seen,  heard, or attended to by
others so that they not focus any negative actions or  behaviors your way. This
is
to protect you from future real or perceived hurt,  pain, or abuse by others.

1  2   3  4  5 (22) Self-medicating behaviors -  This is a pattern of
behaviors by which you medicate or anesthetize the pain,  hurt, shame,
suffering, or
emptiness you have experienced in your life. This  includes alcohol or drug
abuse, sexual addiction, compulsive overeating,  shopping, or gambling, etc.
This pattern can accelerate to habitual or addictive  levels if allowed to go
unchecked and then creates new problems for you.

1  2   3  4  5 (23) Inability to trust - This is a  pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting by which you do not allow yourself to  trust anyone in your
life. This lack of trust prevents you from making the  mistake of becoming
vulnerable with another lest the other hurt, abuse, or take  advantage of you
like
others have done to you in the past.

1  2   3  4  5 (24) Playing it safe - This is a  pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting by which you "play it safe'' lest you  take a risk and be
hurt,
abused, or taken advantage of by others. This also  prevents you from making a
mistake or failing in decisions or actions in life.  "Playing it safe'' keeps
you secure in a cocoon sheltered from the hazards and  risks of life.

1  2   3  4  5 (25) Self containment - This is a  pattern of thinking,
feeling, or acting by which you try to convince yourself  and others that you
don't
need anyone else in your life but you. This keeps you  from seeking or asking
for help from others so as not to be let down if they  don't respond. "I know
I can do it on my own'' attitude keeps you from being  open to the support,
advice, and assistance of helpers in your life. This  pattern feeds on itself
and can lead to exacerbation of your sense of isolation,  abandonment, and
loneliness.

1  2   3  4  5 (26) Mask wearing - This is a  pattern of behaviors to hide
from others your true feelings. This helps you to  keep others in the dark as to
how you are actually reacting to people, places,  or things. By masking
feelings you prevent real or imagined abuse, rejection,  non-approval, or
condemnation from those who would be offended by your honest  assessment,
reaction, or
judgment.

1  2   3  4  5 (27) Running away - This is a  pattern of thinking, feeling,
and acting by which you run away to avoid having  to face any hurt, pain,
abuse, suffering, anxiety, stress, or tension. Running  away either in your head
or
in reality helps you to avoid confronting the  unpleasant realities of your
life.

1  2   3  4  5 (28) Lying - This is a pattern of  thinking, feeling, and
acting by which you hide the truth from others so as to  avoid real or perceived
abuse, hurt, or conflict. Lying or omitting the truth of  details is a way to
cover up anything which you believe could cause trouble for  you with others.

1  2   3  4  5 (29) Overreaction - This is a  pattern of thinking, feeling,
or acting by which you blow things out of  proportion to keep people concerned,
confused, and upset. Overreaction is a way  by which you gain attention for
yourself when ordinary means fail. It is a way  to ensure that you are not
forgotten or ignored.

1  2   3  4  5 (30) Escape into fantasy - This is  a pattern of thinking,
feeling, or acting by which you avoid the unpleasantness  of your present
circumstances by fantasizing how it could be. Flight into  fantasy gives you
momentary relief from the stress, anxiety, or tension of the  hurtful, abusive,
neglectful, punitive, shameful, negating reality you are  experiencing at the
time.

_____ TOTAL SCORE


To determine your level of survivorship, add the circled ratings to get  a
total score. Then use the following scale and interpretation.

TOTAL SCALE INTERPRETATION

30-60 Lowest level of survivorship You rarely use survival behaviors and
probably do not need to work on tempering survival behaviors. To be safe, work
on all behaviors you rated 3 or higher.

61-90 Mild level of survivorship You sometimes resort to the use of  survival
behaviors. It is important for you to work on all the behaviors you  rated 3
or higher.

91-120 Moderate level of survivorship You frequently utilize survival
behaviors in your relationships with others. In order to improve these
relationships, you need to concentrate efforts on modifying all behaviors you 
rated 3 or
higher.

121-150 Severe level of survivorship You are bogging down your ability to
relate to others through an overuse of survival behaviors. You will need to
address all behaviors listed in this inventory rated 3 or higher.


What are the negative effects of survival behaviors?

If you continue to display survival behaviors, you could:

Find it difficult to attract people to you because of your coolness,
aloofness, or biting hostility.

Be rejected by people who have reached out to you in care, concern, and
support whom you have turned off by your distancing tactics and behavioral
barriers.

Become an embittered, lonely recluse who is cut off from everyone who once
had shown you care, concern and support.

Be so well hidden by your "guard-all'' shield that no one ever breaks
through the "real'' you so you become more isolated and ignored.

Arouse other people's anger, animosity, rage, or scorn by your sarcastic,
bitter, cynical sense of humor and outlook on life.

Drive people away from you by your constant challenging and testing of  their
loyalty, sincerity, and credibility when they show the slightest interest,
concern, or support for you.

Become so self-centered that you are incapable of being open to hear or
understand others' hurts, pain, or suffering and can be perceived as a
"scrooge,'' "cynic,'' or "shrew.''

Confuse people who are honestly interested in getting close to you by the
mixed messages of 'approach/avoidance'' you send out by using words of an
"approach'' nature but displaying behaviors of an "avoidance'' nature.

Get into trouble with authority figures because of your lack of trust or
respect and because you challenge their knowledge, competence, and abilities by
outshining them in your own productivity, talents, and achievements.

Be so committed to "making it'' through material success and accumulation
that you never achieve a satisfying set of healthy adult human relationships.

Become so focused on the belief that you must always be on guard that you
gain a full-blown paranoid outlook on life.

Experience worse low self-esteem because you are never capable of getting
the support, acceptance, and positive reinforcement from others you need.

Never grow up into a mature, healthy adult.

Be so invisible that you are chronically ignored by the people in your  life.


How are survival behaviors a control issue?

Survival behaviors are control issues because:

They are an attempt to keep the "locus of control'' in your hands.

They have been the way in which you have exercised your right to control
your own destiny in life so as to avoid being hurt or subject to more pain or
harm.

You seek to control situations in which you might be vulnerable by blocking
out others from getting to know who you really are.

You refuse to hand over any power to anyone else so that they are never
given a chance to attempt to do to you what was done to you in the past which
resulted in your being abused, mistreated, hurt, or harmed.

You tightly control your feelings by holding them in behind your "barrier''
so that no one can get intimate with you.

People are often intimidated, offended, or put off by your behaviors and
tend to see you as arrogant, standoffish, hostile, or belligerent.

They never allow anyone who comes in contact with you the chance to get to
really know you nor to have any power or control over you.

With the mask of these behaviors no one can see if you feel helpless,
powerless, or out of control in any situation with any person, place, or thing.

They are used as a weapon to fight off any manipulation, fixing, or
caretaking by others.

They are a set of behaviors of overcontrol of your thinking, feeling, or
acting which results in your being closed in, pulled in, and appearing
"nonfeeling.''

You have used these behaviors to save yourself in overcontrolled,
intimidating, or coercive environments or situations in the past.

They ensure you the ability to control other persons, places, or things in
your current environment so that you alone are the determinant of what you do
or  don't get involved with in the future.

With these behaviors you have a power and control armory to call upon when
anyone is "getting too close'' to you and you feel the need to "put them off''
so that they will "back away'' and give you enough "space'' to feel
comfortable,  relaxed, and less defensive.


What irrational thinking contributes to survival behaviors?

It worked well in the past for my survival so I'll use it now in the
present.

It's my turn to get even.

No one will ever hurt me again.

I don't know what normal is so why try?

I have too much to lose to let my guard down.

If it works for me, why try anything different?

They must all be crazy to be bothered by that.

I know more than they do so why should I listen to them?

I don't care if he is my boss. I know what I'm doing around here.

I see no need to grow up since being an adult is so boring.

I'll reject them before they reject me.

I've been ignored so much that there is no way I am going to try anymore.

Why does it have to be me who takes care of me; why can't others do it for
me?

Just once I'd like someone to take care of me.

They'll all let me down so why try?

Just try to be nice to me and I'll bite off your head.

Don't use your phony "caring, loving'' behaviors with me. I don't need it.

No matter what you do for me it will never make up for my past so why try?

They'll never accept me fully so why should I try to let them know me?

If they know too much about me, they could really hurt me later on.

No matter what I do, I am never appreciated around here.

As good as I do, I never feel it is "good enough'' for them.

I'd rather not be seen and/or heard around here. You get along better that
way


How you can temper survival behaviors

In order to temper survival behaviors, you can follow these  steps.

First: You first need to identify if your current behaviors fit any of the
survival descriptions in Survival behavior self-assessment above

Second: Once you identify which survival behaviors you are currently  engaged
in, you then need to identify what are the negative consequences of  these
behaviors so as to motivate yourself to change them.

Third: Once motivated to change them, you need to identify the unhealthy
thinking and feeling which lies at the root of the behaviors.

Fourth: Then you need to identify new, healthier alternative ways of
thinking and feeling to help you change.

Fifth: You now are ready to identify new, alternative healthy replacement
behaviors.

Sixth:  Implement the new, healthier behaviors.

Seventh: Monitor your progress with the new behaviors and seek feedback  from
others if you are relapsing into old "survival modes.''

Eighth: If you find yourself falling back into use of old survival behavior
patterns, return to the first step and begin again.


Steps to tempering survival behaviors

Step 1: Use the Survival behavior self-assessment to identify if you are
exhibiting any of these behaviors in your life.

If you ranked mild, moderate or severe levels of survivorship, continue on
to Step 2 to temper these survival behaviors.

Step 2: Now that you know you have a problem with survival behaviors,  answer
the following questions in your journal.

A. How do these behaviors affect your ability to make and sustain healthy
relationships with others?

B. What is the feedback you get from others concerning your attitudes and
behaviors classified as survival behaviors?

C. How could your life be more productive if you ceased overuse of survival
behaviors?

D. How has your work or school life suffered due to these behaviors?

E.  How has your family and/or married life suffered due to these  behaviors?

F.  Who in your life did you lose as a result of these behaviors?

G.  How many close friends do you have? What is the reason for the  small
number? How do these behaviors explain the small numbers?

H.  What is the general cause of relationship failure in your life?  How do
these behaviors contribute to these failures?

I.    How do you generally react to others when they display  survival
behaviors to you? What do you think and how do you feel when these  behaviors
come
your way?

J.    How committed are you to tempering the survival  behaviors you rated 3
or higher on the inventory?

Step 3: Once you are committed to tempering your survival behaviors, then
for each behavior rated 3 or higher do the following in your  journal.

A.  Identify the unhealthy, irrational, and non-reality-based thinking  and
feeling which is behind your exhibiting this behavior.

B.  Identify new, healthy, rational, and reality based thinking and  feeling
which can help you to change this behavior.

C.  Identify a new, healthier behavior to replace this old,  non-healthy
survival behavior.

Step 4: Once you have identified new, healthier behaviors to replace the  old
survival behaviors, then begin to put them into place one at a time. Don't
try to change all of them at one time. The job is too great to do all at  once.


Step 5: Give permission to people in your life to "call you on it'' when  you
resort to the old survival behaviors.

Step 6: If you find you are relapsing back to the survivorship model of
behaviors, then return to Step 1 and begin again.


What is self-control?

Self-control is a set of behaviors which:

Accepts the reality that the only thing in life which you can successfully
change and control is yourself.

Keeps in check all self-destructive, addictive, obsessive, compulsive,
irrational, and unacceptable behaviors.

Gives you a sense of personal mastery, autonomy, and competency over your
own life.

Is under your control and power to direct and orchestrate with no need for
interference or manipulation from others.

Makes you the master of your own destiny because it keeps in check those
barriers and obstacles which are a threat to your overall success in life.

Is a middle ground between perfectionism and laxity in self care.

Results in your life having a balance and focus by helping you to cope with
new challenges in life as they come.

Helps you to keep your over-emotional responses in check or moderation.

Helps you to open yourself up from nonfeeling or pulled-in emotions so that
you can have a healthy emotional life.

Is the foundation for healthy coping and contributes to your accepting
personal responsibility for your life.

Keeps your life in moderation, helping you to avoid extremes in any
direction.

Is the focus of the efforts to let go of the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in your life so that you can concentrate on yourself.

Eliminates the need for you to be manipulative, helpless, fixing others,
intimidating, overdependent or a caretaker of others.

Helps you to be detached from others and to keep your relationships in a
healthy balance of give and take.

Reflects your inner desire to grow up into a mature, responsible adult.


What are the negative effects of not maintaining self-control?

If you cannot gain self-control in your life, you could:

Focus all your attention on trying to control, fix, or rescue other  persons,
places, and things and divert your attention from your own needs.

Suffer the negative impact of your out of control behaviors such as
alcoholism, chemical dependency, overeating, compulsive sex, addictive 
relationships,
compulsive shopping, gambling, smoking, etc.

Become deeply depressed and despondent over your weakness and inability to
get your life into "check'' or 'balance.''

Prefer to be overly dependent on other helpers, caretakers, fixers, and
rescuers to give your life the control it needs.

Fall prey to an overly perfectionistic and idealistic belief system in  which
no matter how well you get things in order you see them as being imperfect
and not good enough.

Lose control over the emotional boundaries you need to maintain from
becoming over enmeshed or controlled by others.

Become lost as to where you begin and end and where others in your life
begin and end in relationship to you.

Find yourself responding to situations in your life either in an overly
emotional and hysterical way or in a withdrawn, pulled-in and non-emotive way,
with neither response being healthy or appropriate at the time.

Find it impossible to become detached from people, places, or things who  are
toxic or unhealthy for you.

Find yourself in a state of powerlessness to effect changes to get your  life
into moderation or balance.

Fall into the trap of learned helplessness and convince yourself that you
are not capable of taking care of yourself and thus allow your life to get more
and more out of control.

Seek out caretakers, fixers, or rescuers to help you solve your own  problems
and get your life under control.

End up convinced that there is no way you can get your life into balance
because the amount of work, effort, energy, and resources needed are too great
an investment just for you when there are so many other people, places, and
things on which you could better focus attention.

Experience even lower self-esteem because of your inability to believe
enough in your worth and value to take action to get your life into control.


How is self-control a control issue?

Self-control is a control issue because it is:

Keeping the "locus of control'' internal and removes the "locus of  control''
from the externals in your life.

Giving to yourself the power and control to have an impact on your personal
destiny and fortunes.

Ensuring your focusing on what in life you have the ability to change and
control, namely yourself.

Not allowing yourself to fall into the trap of using manipulation or
helplessness to get others to come to your rescue to fix or care for you.

Not needing a "fixer'' or "caretaker'' to help you determine your own
future.

Not allowing survival behaviors to get in your way of reaching out for
support, intimacy, and vulnerability from others in your life.

Exercising moderation in your emotional reaction to life so that you are
neither overcontrolled or undercontrolled in the expression of your feelings.

Accepting responsibility for your own actions, feelings, thoughts, and life
and giving power to yourself to accept the consequences for all of these.

The lack of needing anyone else to "fix,'' "rescue'' or be a caretaker for
you in order for you to be successful in your life.

Being aware of people who are trying to control or exert power over you and
you take the steps to change this.

The exercising of your control and power over those things, people, or
places to which you have a compulsive or addictive attraction so as to put them
into a moderate or abstaining relationship with you.

The realistic and rational exercise of power and control in your life.


What irrational thinking leads you to not exercise self-control?

There is no sense in trying to gain control over this, since I'm going to
fail at it anyway.

There is no way I will ever be able to gain control over my behaviors.

I'd rather have others do it for me.

I prefer to have others monitor my behaviors and make me suffer negative
consequences when I falter.

If I no longer need them in my life to assist me gain control of myself,
then they no longer will be interested in me.

If I become too independent and in control, I'll be unappealing to them.

I've never been parented in a healthy way and it's my turn now to get
parented.

I'm never going to grow up; it's too boring.

I'm young yet so why do I need to act old?

They'll just have to put up with me the way I am.

I was like this before you met me and you knew who I was then, so don't try
to change me now.

I feel overwhelmed by all the responsibilities involved in being an adult.

If they want me to change, then they'll have to work hard to make this
happen.

I like myself just the way I am.

There is too much to change so why try?

Why do I always have to do it for myself? Why can't others, just once, do  it
for me?

It's so much easier to know what others need to do for themselves than it  is
for yourself.

I've never had any luck in the past in controlling these behaviors so why
should I expect to do better now?

I hate trying to take charge of my life. It is always so tough and I never
feel good when I do it.

Loneliness is the major result of self-control and it keeps me from working
harder on self growth.

I'd rather be "sick'' than lonely.

All this "centering on self'' stuff is absurd and nobody I know really does
it so why should I?

I'm so addicted I could never change.

If you can't be 100% successful in changing, then why try in the first
place?

I hate myself so much for being weak, how could I ever make it straight?

Giving up my old behaviors would change me so much that nobody would ever
like me.

I can't live with it but I can't live without it.

My anxiety and frustration get worse when I try to control myself.

I enjoy what I'm doing. Why stop now when I'm having fun?

No one is going to tell me what I have to do with my life.


How you can develop self-control

In order to develop self-control you need to take the following steps.

First: You first need to identify in what areas of your life you need to
gain more self-control. Review the following life arenas and identify any issues
you may need to take control of.

Life Arenas Control Issue Checklist

A. Personal life

___ (1) Balanced diet

___ (2) Unconditional acceptance and love of self

___ (3) Self-esteem recovery

___ (4)Compulsive and/or addictive behaviors

___ (a) Eating

___ (b) Shopping

___ (c) Cleaning

___ (d) Alcohol

___ (e) Drugs

___ (f) Gambling

___ (g) Sex

___ (h) Smoking (nicotine)

___ (i) Relationships

___ (j) Sugar

___ (k) Crisis oriented activity

___ (l) Excessive activity

___ (m) Body image

___ (n) Exercise

___ (o) Obsessive behaviors

B. Relationships with fixers, helpers, caretakers, and enablers

___ (1) Overdependency on others

___ (2) Manipulation of others

___ (3) Helplessness

___ (4) Over enmeshment

___ (5) Lack of emotional boundaries

___ (6) Overuse of survival behaviors

C.  Relationships with needy people

___ (1) Need to fix

___ (2) Use of intimidation

___ (3) Powerlessness to control them

___ (4) Dealing with threat of suicide

___ (5) Over idealism

___ (6) Need to be a caretaker

___ (7) Unconditional acceptance and love of others

___ (8) Establishing emotional boundaries

___ (9) Handling anger or resentment

D. Work/school life

___ (1) Time management

___ (2) Stress management

___ (3) Workaholism

___ (4) Fear of success

___ (5) Assertiveness

___ (6) Self-image as worker and/or student

___ (7) Self recognition of accomplishments

___ (8) Handling perfectionism

E. Community life

___ (1) Need for support system

___ (2) Involvement with others

___ (3) Participation in clubs and activities

___ (4) Recreational and leisure participation

___ (5) Participation in an organized religion

___ (6) Handling competition

___  (7) Handling leadership


Second:    Once you have identified the various issues  in which you need to
develop more self-control, then you need to identify which  emotions tend to
lead you to be more out of control with these issues. Use the  list of emotions
and feelings clusters to identify for each issue out of control  which
emotions or feelings tend to exacerbate the loss of control.

Emotions which lead to being out of control

Emotion Feeling cluster
Boredom  listless,  unoccupied, restless, uneasy, a need for novelty, change,
or  excitement

Anger  rage, hate, cheated,  infuriated, spiteful, mean, mad, or envious
Guilt   ashamed, miserable, remorse, blamed, distraught, or pain

Depression  left out, ugly, empty, powerless, victimized,  suffering,
useless, low, sad, helpless, discouraged, or troubled

Anxiety  overstressed, out of control, nervous, overwhelmed,  uneasy, tense,
pressured, panicked, troubled, confused, or shocked

Loneliness  unwanted, unappreciated, left out, ignored,  unloved, alone,
hurt, neglected, ugly, or rejected

Fear  afraid, tense, anxious, nervous, weak, worried,  skeptical, frightened,
threatened, panicked

Excitability  eager, driven, energetic, capable, turned on,  enthusiastic,
motivated, or clever

Comfort   proud, refreshed, appreciated, satisfied, accomplished, useful,
respected,  content, confident, full, calm, or relaxed

Happiness  good, nice, glad, loved, pleased, wanted,  wonderful, delighted,
or beautiful


Third: Once you have identified what feelings and emotions tend to
exacerbate your loss of control, next identify what irrational beliefs lead to
increased loss of control in each of these issues.

Fourth: Then you need to identify new, rational, reality based, healthy
thinking which will lead to your gaining control over these issues. Some
self-affirmations are:

I can gain control over this.

I am capable of controlling myself.

I will take control of my behaviors.

I can succeed in containing my compulsive/addictive behaviors.

I am able to take one behavior at a time and keep it under control.

It took a long time for me to become this way and it will take time to get
it under control.

I am a human being and not a perfect being so if I relapse and lose control
it is OK as long as I get back on the wagon again.

I can be rational, realistic, and healthy in my thinking, emotions, and
actions.

Changing old behaviors takes effort, time, and a motivation to change and I
am willing to give all three of these to gain control of my life.

I am a capable, lovable person who deserves to let go of the uncontrolled
ways of my past so that I can grow, flourish, and be successful in my attempts
to gain control in my life.

I am the one person in my life whom I can control and change and I choose  to
do so.

There isn't any thought, feeling, or behavior of mine I can't gain control
over.

I will make time for the work to develop my self-control.

I will be a healthier person once I focus my efforts onto control of  myself.

Between handing over to my Higher Power the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in my life and developing emotional detachment from the toxic 
relationships
in my life, I will grow in self-control.

I will cease using manipulation, helplessness, and overreaction with the
people I am overdependent on.

I will establish healthy, emotional boundaries between me and the people in
my life.

I will cease trying to fix, rescue, enable, correct, or change the people  in
my life.

I will gain emotional support for myself when my emotional state is
contributing to my behaviors getting out of control.

I will work at moderating my thinking, emotions and behaviors so that I am
able to have a balance in my life.

Step 5: Once you have identified healthy self-talk to help you through this
time of gaining self-control, then you need to identify positive actions or
behaviors which will assist you to develop self-control in your life. Such
behaviors or actions are:

Stress reduction and relaxation work.

Self hypnosis.

Time management, planning, and scheduling.

An aerobic exercise program five to seven times a week.

A balanced diet.

Thought stopping.

Anger workout

Spirituality formation and enhancement.

Motivation enhancement exercises.

Development of an emotional support system.

Joining a self help group (AA, NA, GA, SEA, etc.).

Altering relationships with people, places, and things.

Creative problem solving.

Reading self help books.

Using the Tools for Coping Series books.

Keeping a personal journal.

Changing patterns or routines of daily life.

Self-affirmations work.

Inner child healing work.

Use of rational and realistic thinking.

Sublimating the urge to drink, eat, smoke, use drugs, have sex, shop,
gamble, or some other self-medicating behavior by handing it over to your Higher
Power

Development of goals and objectives to be met on a daily, weekly, monthly,
yearly schedule with self monitoring of their achievement and  refinement.

Permission to support system to "call you on it'' when you revert to old
patterns of thinking, feeling, or behaving.

Avoiding settings which arouse negative emotions.

Diverting your attention from the old patterns of desires, temptations, or
urges.

Talking out feelings with a support person

Watching out for HALT situations which could lead to a relapse of out of
control behaviors if I am feeling out of sorts and too:

H - Hungry

A - Angry

L - Lonely

T - Tired

Sixth: Once you have identified the set of healthy actions which assist the
development of self-control, then develop a plan of action for each issue
which  is out of control for you.

Seventh: Once your plans of action are developed, implement them one at a
time, taking one issue at a time to get under control. To decide which issues to
  take first, prioritize the issues using the following scale.

Highest Priority This issue is so out of control that your life is in
danger.

High Priority This issue is so out of control that your physical and mental
health are in peril.

Average Priority This issue is out of control and it affects your thinking
and emotions so that you get compulsive or obsessive with it.

Slight Priority This issue is out of control but it presents no current
threat to my life, health, or actions.

Eighth: Once you have prioritized the issues to be worked on, then begin to
implement the plans of action to get them under your control.

Ninth: If after a time you find that you are still out of control, then
return to first step and begin again.


Steps to developing self-control

Step 1: In order to develop self-control in your life, you need to identify
in your journal what issues in your life arenas are out of control for you.
Use  the Life Arenas Control Issue Checklist  in this Chapter to help you. As
you identify the issues out of control for you, answer the following questions
in your journal.

A. What are the compulsive behaviors over which you need to develop more
self-control? Why are these a problem for you? Which could be classified as
addictive? Habit? Bad behavioral trait? Old pattern of acting?

B. How does your body or self-image contribute to your being out of  control?


C. How does your obsessive tendency affect your self-control?

D. How in control are your efforts at working on your recovery from low
self-esteem?

E. Who are the fixers, enablers, helpers, and caretakers, and rescuers in
your life? How out of control are your relationships with them? What control
mechanisms do you use to keep them "hooked'' into caring for you?

F. Who are the "needy'' people in your life? What control mechanisms do you
use to fix, save, change, or rescue them? How out of control are these
efforts?

G. How in control of yourself are you on the job or at school? What are  your
behaviors which are out of control there?

H. How in control are you in your community life? How obsessive or
compulsive are you in your outside interests, clubs, church, or hobbies?

I.  How does your being from a dysfunctional family explain why so  much of
your life is out of your control at present?

J. How does your current inactive relationship with your Higher Power
reflect how out of control your life has become? How would getting a more active
relationship with your Higher Power assist you to develop  self-control?

Step 2: Once you have assessed the state of your being out of control, then
identify in your journal what emotions make you most vulnerable to being out
of  control on each issue listed in Step 1. Use the Emotions which lead to
being out  of control in this chapter to help you identify the emotions which
make
you  vulnerable to being out of control..

Step 3: Once you have identified the emotions which help keep you out of
control, then identify in your journal the thinking that contributes to your
lack of self-control.

Step 4: Identify in your journal new self-talk which would encourage your
efforts at developing self-control.

Step 5: Once new self-talk is identified, then proceed to identify in your
journal behavioral strategies for gaining control over each issue identified in
  Step 1. Use this outline to help you identify your plan of action.

Self-Control Action Planning Outline

Issue out of control Emotions which to lack of control with this issue Old
thinking which keeps me out of control with this issue New Self-talk on this
issue New behavioral strategy to use with this issue

Step 6: Develop an action plan in your journal for each out of control  issue
in your life

Step 7: Decide which issues are the highest priority needing your attention
and record this in your journal.

Step 8: Implement your plans of action for your priority issues first. Then
proceed with the other issues identified in Step 1 until they all have been
addressed.

Step 9: If you are still thinking, feeling, or behaving out of control,  then
return to Step 1 and begin all over again.


THE END.







HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Codependence Comes from Pain...

Codependency: A Family  Perspective

By unknown author

Edited by DR Irene

Codependence is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned  by family
members in order to survive in a family experiencing great emotional  pain.
In most cases alcoholism, chemical dependency, or other addictive disease  is
at the source of the family pain. Codependent behaviors are a set of coping
behaviors that are passed from generation to generation--whether or not
addiction is present--in order to survive.
Although the original alcoholic/addicted person may have been a
great-grandparent, family members across the next three or four generations 
learn a set
of behaviors which help them deal with the emotional pain inherited  from the
original dysfunctional family unit. These behaviors, although designed  to
relieve pain, create pain! They constitute a deeply embedded "cognitive set" 
upon
which codependency or dependency disorders are founded. Whether or not
addiction existed in our nuclear family, codependency is a deeply rooted
compulsive behavior that is born out of a dysfunctional family system. 
Individual
family members may or may not develop addictions.
Symptoms of codependency (or dependency) disorders include:  perfectionism,
workaholism, procrastination, compulsive overeating, compulsive  gambling,
compulsive buying, compulsive lying, compulsive talking, compulsive  sex,
dependent relationships, over-possessive relationships. Other dependency 
disorders
can revolve around acquiring status, prestige, material possessions,  power or
control over family members, co-workers, friends, authority figures,  etc.
People suffering from drug- or alcohol-related codependency disorders often
experience themselves as being caught up in a treadmill existence. Whether or 
not
goals are achieved there is a driven compulsion for more. An anxious feeling
of incompleteness or emptiness remains no matter what is  accomplished.
Health problems may also exist: migraine headaches,  gastrointestinal
disturbances, colitis, ulcers, high blood pressure, and many  other high
stress-related physical illnesses. Stress related illness is not  "only in your
head." It
is stress-induced physical alteration of the body. It is  real. Emotional
problems such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, and  hyperactivity may also be
evident in codependent individuals. These disorders  have a physical basis. They
are chemical imbalances in the brain. In other  words, our cognitive/emotional
state impacts upon our physical being. We are a  holistic mind-body system.
Codependent individuals experienced a traumatically empty  childhood. Their
present-day relationships are empty. They attempt to use  others, their mates,
friends, and children, as their source of identity,  self-esteem, value and
well being in an attempt to restore childhood emotional  losses. Most
codependent individuals are unaware that they are doing so. Having  constructed
a more
idyllic existence, many codependent individuals are  completely unaware that
their childhood was troubled!
The following are statements portray relationally addictive  people:
We come from a dysfunctional home in which our emotional needs  were not met.

Having received little real nurturing ourselves, we try to  vicariously fill
this unmet need by becoming a caregiver, especially toward  people who appear
needy.
Because we were never able to change our parents into the warm,  loving care
takers we longed for, we respond deeply to the emotionally  unavailable person
whom we find familiar and whom we try to change (to give us  what we need)
through our love.
Terrified of abandonment, we will do anything to hold on to a  relationship
and avoid painful abandonment feelings. We first experienced these  feelings
while living with people who were never there emotionally for us. Most  often,
we were not aware that we were not getting what we needed!
Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is  too expensive
if it will "help" the person we are involved with. Our thoughts  are
other-oriented rather than self-oriented.
Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, we are  willing to
wait, hope and try harder to please.
We are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the  responsibility, guilt
and blame in any relationship.
Our self-esteem is critically low. Deep inside we do not  believe we deserve
to be happy. Rather, we believe we must earn the right to  enjoy life. We
forget that we were all created equal and by the same maker.
Having experienced little security in childhood, we have a  desperate need to
control people, outcomes, and relationships. We mask our  efforts to control
people and situations as "being helpful."
In a relationship we are more in touch with our dream of how it  could be
rather than with the reality of how it is. We don't want to hear the  little
voice inside that tells us what is!
We are addicted to a person, people, and/or to emotional pain.  This is not
because we enjoy pain, but it is familiar; we understand it; it is  all we
know.
We may be emotionally and/or biochemically predisposed to  addictions to
substances, food, gambling, sex, etc.
Drawn to people with problems or to chaotic, uncertain, or  emotionally
painful situations, we avoid focusing on our responsibility to  ourselves: to
become all of the potential we were given!
Since we have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, it is  easier to be
concerned with others rather than with ourselves. This prevents us  from
looking at our ourselves. We give away our personal power!
We may tend toward episodes of depression and/or anxiety. We  try to
forestall these episodes through the excitement of an emotionally  unstable
relationship or through addictive behaviors.
We are not attracted to a person who is kind, stable, reliable,  and
interested in us. We find "nice" people boring or unattractive.
We "stuff" our feelings and have lost the ability to identify  or express
what we feel.
We tend to become isolated from people and become afraid of  authority
figures.
We become approval seekers and lose our identity in the  process.
We can't stand it when people are angry at us. We hate  criticism! We get
defensive and "explain" ourselves in an attempt to show the  other person how
they are wrong.
Our world view is that of the victim. We sense and gravitate  towards people
whom we will allow ourselves to be victimized by.
We judge ourselves harshly. We use a more lenient yardstick to  judge others.

We experience guilt when we stand up for ourselves. To avoid  guilt, we give
in to others.
We confuse love and empathy/pity and tend to think we "love"  people we can
pity and rescue.
We are reactors to life rather than creators of life.



HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

3: Tools for Handling Control Issues

What is idealism?

Idealism is the:

Holding on to a set of beliefs which are a rigid system of the way life is
"supposed to be" or "should be".

Philosophical foundation of a lifestyle in which you find yourself always
"bucking'' the system at home, school, work, or in the community.

Belief system you have adopted about how things "should be done'' which
often gets challenged by the way things are in reality.

Fantasy or dream of how your life should be which often interferes with  your
accepting the "here and now'' realities of life.

Underlying motive behind your attempt to control people so that they meet
your ideal image of the way they should be, act, achieve, react, live, etc.

Set of goals of how reality should be if it were perfect, a set of goals to
shoot for 100% attainment.

Set of beliefs which if adhered to too rigidly often gets you into trouble
with authority figures in your life since you are apt to rebel against such
authority if the system is "not right'' and not in accord with your ideals.

Block which prevents you from playing the political game of going along  with
the mandates of the authority which temper your beliefs and "should's''
about the ways things should be.

Set of beliefs which, if held too rigidly, can open you to criticism for
being too "pie in the sky,'' non-pragmatic, or out of touch with reality.

Blind spot that can keep you off focus in your home, school, work, or
community life because of your disappointment about others not accepting or 
living
up to your ideals.

Mask you often hide behind when you are unwilling to admit that you are
unmotivated, too lazy, or not interested in doing what is expected of you at
school, work, home, or in the community.

Underlying current which prevents your healthy adjustment to a situation
because it is so out of "synch'' with the ideal way you think things should be.

Set of norms against which you judge others and which gets you into trouble
with the others, especially if they are authority figures who don't meet the
"norm.''


What are the negative effects of being overly idealistic?

If you continue to be overly idealistic, then you could:

Experience poor adjustment at school, on the job, or in the community
because you could become identified as a "gadfly,'' "rebel,'' or a person with a
"chip on your shoulder.''

Have problems and get in trouble with authority figures who are not
functioning in a way you believe correct and you've let them know this.

Become very depressed, despondent and despair over how imperfect life is at
home, school, work, or in the community.

Find it difficult to fully accept anyone the way they really are and
chronically attempt to control them so that they can become the way they "should
ideally be.''

Resent any attempts to help you recognize the rational, pragmatic, and
political strategies for coping with a "less than perfect or ideal'' life.

Find that your tenure is short on any job with a boss and, after a series  of
job failures, you might need to seek a job where you can be your own boss and
  not have to deal with less than ideal bosses or employees.

Become so hypercritical and controlling over all of the people in your life
that they shy away and become more distant and cool with you.

Become the fall guy or scapegoat for any problems or trouble in the system
at home, school, work, or in the community as a means to quiet your
outspokenness and to lay the blame and responsibility for the problems on you.

Be misunderstood, ignored, undervalued, rejected, non-approved, unsupported
by the people in your home, school, work and community systems.

Be so frustrated in not being able to control people to meet your ideals
that you regularly experience anger, temper, and raging outbursts against these
people.

Turn into a cynic or become fatalistic, hostile, pessimistic, and
negativistic.

Be so blinded by your "shining'' ideals that you forget others are free to
have their own opinion and become discouraged when you think no one is
listening  to you.

Experience a lowering of your self-esteem because you are not capable of
living your ideals in your life spheres.


How is over-idealism a control issue

Over-idealism is a control issue because:

It is your attempt to put the "locus of control'' in your hands to get
others to be the way they should be for you.

It is at the root of your need to overcontrol situations, people, places,  or
things in order to ensure that they come into compliance with your ideal
image of the way reality is supposed to be.

You can resort to coercion, intimidation, or threats to get people, places
or things to come into line with the ideals you expect them to have.

It often is at the base of your need to fix or be a caretaker because you
see something less than ideal or perfect and impulsively reach out to change or
care for it.

In your need to politically espouse your ideal belief system, you can
utilize manipulation, conning, storytelling, promise making, favor swapping, and
bargaining to get people, places, or things into line with you.

It often can blind you to the uncontrollables or unchangeables in your life
so that rather than admit to powerlessness and then let go of them, you
conversely work harder to change and bring them under control.

When you find it difficult to detach from others, it is often your  idealized
image of the way you are supposed to act, be, or behave that keeps you
emotionally hanging on to these people.

It is often a barrier to your ability to gain self-control over your life
because your idealism blinds you to what is reasonable, realistic and achievable
  for you in your life.

Behind your need to gain control and power over other persons, places, or
things is the idealistic image or fantasy of the way your world is supposed to
be and how only you have the answers to bring your world into synch with this
image.

You are willing to sacrifice your own resources, energy, spirit, physical
stamina or health in order to get your ideal image of the way life is supposed
to be actualized in the lives of the people, places, and things with whom you
come into contact.

It encourages a lack of moderation or compromise in your efforts to control
others so that you can feel sane in an ideal world and at peace with the ideal
  way in which people should treat you.


What irrational thinking results in over-idealism?

They should know what they are supposed to do.

Life should be perfectly in line with what has been promised when we were
encouraged to live a good life, work hard, and treat others fairly.

The goals of the organization should always be the goals of every member of
the organization.

We should always act, think, and feel like everyone else who is a member of
this group, family, school, work site, church, or community.

It should be easy to make friends in a situation which I have freely chosen
to join because everyone in the situation should be just like me.

They should be as committed to this goal, job, or target behavior as I am.

Everyone should be as sincere, trustworthy, and honest in their dealings
with me as I am with them.

If I have been willing to make these sacrifices for them, they should show
their appreciation to me for this.

They should work as hard as I do.

They should be as generous, giving, and caring as I am.

They should know how I feel about them, what I want from them, and what I
need in my life.

They should appreciate me for what I do around here.

People should be nice to one another around here if we are going to be
successful.

Everybody should fit in with everybody else around here in order for us to
reach our goals.

Arguments, disagreements, and differences of opinions should not occur
around here.

Everybody should be as clear and precise about our goals here as I am.

If I am here for you, you should be here for me.

You should respect my work just like I respect yours.

They should only hire, appoint, or select people for this job, task, or
responsibility who are appropriate.

Everybody should put in an honest day's work for an honest day's wage.

I should do everything perfectly in order to meet my standards so as to
encourage others to follow my example.


New ways to reduce impact of idealism in your life

In order to reduce the impact of idealism in your life you need to follow
these steps:

First:  Identify in which life spheres your idealism creates problems  for
you. The life spheres are:

Marriage or relationships with significant others

Home life

Parenting or child management

School

Work

Community involvements

Church

Recovery Program

Friendships

Then for each life sphere follow the next steps.

Second: Identify the ideals, the "should's'' and the "must do's'' which
create problems for you.

Third: Identify what controlling behaviors result from your idealism.

Fourth: Identify the non-productive or negative behavioral responses you
receive or witness which arise from your idealism.

Fifth:   Identify the irrational beliefs, the should's, must  do's, or
perfectionistic tendencies at the base of each of your ideals which  create the
problems for you.

Sixth:   Take each irrational belief, should, must do, or  perfectionistic
tendency and identify a healthier, more rational, and more  realistic
alternative substitute which will tone down your ideals.

Seventh:   Do anger work and other emotional-release work to get  your
emotional and feelings life more integrated into your new, more rational, 
healthy
and realistic thinking.

Eighth:   Identify new, more politically reasonable, realistic,  and rational
behaviors which will encourage your success and happiness in each  life
sphere.

Ninth:   Implement the new, politically sound behaviors and  monitor the
effect they have on the people in each life sphere.

Tenth:   Reward yourself for being more rational, realistic,  healthy and
politically sound, for your new, less idealistic behaviors. Use  positive
self-talk to remind yourself that:

There is only one person in life you can change or control. It is you!

You don't always have to be the most perfect, most ideal, or best achiever
in order to achieve success in life.

Things don't always have to go your way in order for you to feel happy and
successful.

It is OK for you and others to experience failure or mistakes, It is not  the
end of the world.

Perfection is not always possible in this lifetime. The only perfect being
is God.

It is OK to accept the political realities of life to survive around here.

If it comes to the point where I can no longer survive around here, it  would
be healthier for me to leave the situation than to stay and be destroyed.

If I stay around here knowing that it will eventually destroy me, then it  is
my own choice and I can no longer complain about it.

It is better to keep my idealistic and perfectionistic attitudes to myself
than to inflict them on others who have no desire to become like I want them to
  be. If I cannot live with this reality, then it would be better for me to
leave  the situation than to inflict others with my rigidity, irrationality,
unhealthiness, and over-controlling, "better-than-thou'' attitudes.

I am responsible for my own life and happiness. I am deserving of my  efforts
at making my ideals more realistic so that I can be successful around  here.

Eleventh: Continue to implement more realistic, less idealistic, and less
perfectionistic behaviors in all of your life spheres. Continuously monitor how
you are allowing your ideals to control your life and the lives of others.

Twelfth: If you fall back into an overly idealistic state in one or more of
your life spheres, return to the first step and begin all over again.


Steps to temper idealism

Step 1:  In your journal answer the following questions in order to  assist
you to work on tempering your idealism so that it is less of a control  issue
for you.

A.  How do you display idealism in your behaviors and actions in  life?

B.  What are the negative effects of over-idealism in your life?

C.  How do you use your idealism as a control mechanism in your  life?

D.  How do you feel about idealism being singled out as a control  issue in
your life? How valid is this concept for you?

E.   How do you feel about the idealism of other people in your  life? Do you
feel they use their idealism as a control issue?

F.   How does their idealism and your idealism clash or conflict?  What types
of problems does this cause for you?

G.   What irrational beliefs or unhealthy thinking leads to or  results from
your over-idealism?

H.   For how long has over-idealism been a problem for you? When  was your
idealism greater? Lesser? More of a problem? Less of a problem?

I.   How have you dealt with your problems arising from  over-idealism?

J.   How do you feel about "shoulding'' yourself or others to be,  to act, to
think, and to feel in ideal ways?

K.  How badly are you suffering in your life from the negative  consequences
of your idealism and how badly do you want to change this?

L.   How willing are you to "play the political'' games in life  in order to
survive?

Step 2: Once you have done an assessment of the impact of over-idealism in
your life, then answer the following questions for each of your life spheres.
Take each of the following life spheres one at a time and complete all of the
questions in your journal before you go on to answer the same questions for
the  next life sphere.

The Life Spheres Impacted by Idealism

Marriage or relationships with significant others

Home life

Parenting or child management

School

Work

Community involvement

Church

Recovery

Friendships

A.  What are the ideals in this life sphere which create problems for  you?

B.  How do you try to control other people in this life sphere by your
idealism?

C.  What are the negative results of your controlling through  over-idealism?

D.  What irrational beliefs or perfectionistic tendencies are at the  root of
your problematic ideals in this life sphere?

E.   What healthier, more rational, and more realistic  alternative beliefs
in this life sphere would temper your problematic  ideals?

F.   What angers you in this life sphere about letting go of your  overly
idealistic ideals?

G.   What new feelings do you need to experience in this life  sphere in
order to let go of the old ideals and accept the new, healthier, more  realistic
and more rational ideals or beliefs?

H.   What new behaviors do you need to develop in this life  sphere as a
result of tempering your idealistic thoughts and emotions?

I.   What "political games'' do you need to play in order to  survive in this
life sphere once you have tempered your idealism?

J.   How likely are you to successfully survive and be healthy  and happy as
a result of your new, "less idealistic'' oriented behaviors and  playing the
"political games'' in this life sphere?

K.   What alternatives do you have if, by being less idealistic  and more
political in your actions, your life, security, happiness, and success  are
still
threatened and/or at risk?

L.   How willing are you to let go physically of your active  involvement
with people, places, or things which threaten your survival in this  life
sphere?

M.   How willing are you to admit the need to "quit'' a person,  place, or
thing in this life sphere when to stay would result in hurt, pain, and
suffering for you?

Step 3:  Once you have analyzed each of your life spheres for new,  more
tempered thinking, feeling, and actions, then you need to implement the  new,
tempered ideals, less controlling, more realistic, more rational beliefs,  and
healthier behaviors in each life sphere.

Step 4:  Monitor the impact these new behaviors have on the people in  each
life sphere.

Step 5:  Reinforce your efforts at tempering your idealism.

Step 6:  Keep implementing more politically sound behaviors in each  life
sphere.

Step 7:  Walk away or quit any people, places, or things in your life
spheres who continue to be a threat to your survival or existence even after you
have tempered your idealism.

Step 8:  If you fall back into allowing your idealism to control you  or
others, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again keeping in mind  that:

Life is

a little sunshine, a little rain

a little loss, a little gain

a little happiness, a little pain

not all sweet, nor all sour

now a weed, now a flower but

a goodly average of sunshine and shower.

What is the need to fix?

The need to fix is:

Compulsively driven behavior to rescue or help another person, place, or
thing to be the way you believe it "should be.''

Seeing another person, place, or thing as "in need'' and the automatic
response pattern to this message.

Belief that, unless everything is "just right'' for another person, then
that person can never fully be happy in life.

Obsessive need to have every thing, person, and place "perfect'' or
"correct'' in order for you to be comfortable enough to be relaxed and accepting
of
them.

Inability to accept people, places, or things the way they are and the
chronic attempt at changing them even if they are unchangeable.

Acting on the belief that you have more knowledge than others as to what is
good for them so you strive to correct their thinking to "see the light'' in
your way.

Inability to maintain emotional detachment from a person, place, or thing
that is hurting or in trouble. You proceed to fix them even if this means that
they are hindered from personal growth and accepting personal responsibility
for  their own actions.

Inability to not give advice, suggestions, or offers of help, even when you
know in doing so that it will hinder another person's growth and personal
mastery in life.

Interfering in business and personal affairs "to help'' people even when
they haven't asked for your help or assistance.

Drive to feel "needed'' or "wanted'' which leads you to become overly
involved and overresponsible in your relationships with persons, places, and
things.

Result of a pattern of getting approval and recognition from others for
"helping'' in the past with the belief that this is the only way you can have
meaning in life.


What are the negative effects of the compulsive need to fix?

If your compulsive need to control others by "fixing" them is not resolved,
they you:

Run the risk of developing a series of relationships with people, places,  or
things who become overly dependent on you.

Run the risk of becoming a caretaker to many with few people giving you the
healthy emotional support you need to be a fully functioning and coping human.

Will be unable to remain emotionally detached when you run across a person,
place, or thing which appears "helpless.''

Experience people moving away from you if they no longer desire "to be
fixed'' by your advice, solutions, or insights.

Will never take care of your own needs because you will have successfully
avoided focusing on self by diverting your focus to fixing others.

Become guilt ridden if people, places, or things which you are trying "to
fix'' don't get "fixed'' and instead get worse.

Might tie your identity into the "fixer'' role and never be able to enjoy a
truly healthy give and receive relationship with anyone.

Will feign "wellness'' as a mask to convince others you have found the
answers "to fix'' them and thus remain static or reverse in your personal
emotional health.

Will hand out a lot of "I owe you's'' to those you fix in hope they will be
there for you when you need them, unfortunately forgetting that your only
worth  to them has been the fixing you perform and they will not "come through''
the  way you hope they will in your time of need.

Might be the one who does all the work in a relationship and, once you  "stop
the work,'' the relationship will die since you are no longer working at
fixing it.

Might become hostile, angry, rageful, or hateful to those whom you have
"fixed'' if they do not give you enough recognition in return for your efforts.

Might have successfully used everyone else's problems to divert your
attention from yourself, the only one you have greatest odds of fixing because 
you
can have control and change yourself best.

Will increase in your low self-esteem as you lose yourself in "fixing''
others.


How is the need to fix a control issue?

The need to fix is a control issue because:

It puts the "locus of control'' into your hands as the fixer rather than
into the hands of those being fixed where it correctly belongs.

If you are a "fix it'' person, you end up trying to control every  situation,
person, place, or thing to be "right'' or "perfect'' so that you can  feel
sane, safe, and in control.

Fixing is taking over the responsibility of another person, place or thing
and being sure that the outcome for them is positive and in accord with your
mental picture or ideal of the "way things should be'' in your world.

It robs people, places, and things of their freedom to be themselves  because
of your need to correct, change, or alter them to be the way you want  them
to be.

Giving advice, offering solutions, and directing choices puts you in a
"power'' and "controlling'' position over those things you are trying to fix.

In your enthusiasm to help, you run the risk of using threats, coercion, or
intimidation to get others to do what you believe will fix them.

In your compulsive, addictive, or obsessive need to fix, you might be  taking
on uncontrollable and unchangeable things which burn you out and leave  you
in need of being "fixed.''

The sense of over-responsibility which leads you to need to fix others is a
"de-powering'' of the others to take responsibility for themselves; it puts
the  onus of accountability on you if the solutions do not succeed. It also puts
the  recognition for their success on you rather than on those you are
fixing.

"Addicted fixers'' do not allow those whom they are trying to fix to become
independent or to think and try things out on their own and create
over-dependency on themselves to make things right.

Being a "fixer'' is a powerful position which gives you a sense of
importance, being special, and a reason for being.

Those being "fixed'' often feel "out of control'' in terms of what is
happening in their lives and can become dependent on you the fixer to "do for
them'' rather than to "do for themselves.''

Although "fixing'' looks altruistic, it is really a sef-centered behavior
because the outcome is not so much for the other's  benefit but to make you
feel good, relaxed, at peace in that things are the way they "should be.''


What irrational thinking leads to the need to fix?

Examples of irrational thinking which leads you to the need to fix other
people, places, or things are:

When you have the resources materially, emotionally, intellectually, and
energy-wise, you should always be ready to share these with others less
fortunate than you whom you perceive to be in need of help and assistance.

You should never stand by and not get involved when you see someone hurting
and in need.

You are rewarded in so many ways for the sacrifices you make to help others
and it is a straight path to heaven if you give to others without any
hesitation.

You should give insights from your life experiences whenever you find
someone in a similar situation.

You should never wait for a person to ask for help since so many people are
shy when it comes to admitting they don't know what to do with their lives.

You must die to self if you are to gain eternal reward. To be focused only
on solving your own problems is so selfish. Therefore, you are sure to gain a
higher eternal reward if you dedicate your life to helping others no matter
what  are the physical or emotional costs to yourself.

It is impossible to ignore a plea for help especially when it comes from
someone who is obviously "helpless.''

It is a real sign of your personal growth that, after a time in recovery,
you can have the insights, answers, solutions, and clarity of direction for
everyone with whom you come in contact.

You can burn yourself out just focused on your own personal growth so to
revitalize yourself you should get involved with other people's problems to give
you a better perspective on your own problems.

What will others think of you if you don't offer help to someone who is
obviously in need?

Your meaning and purpose in life will be threatened if you are not needed  to
fix, rescue, or help someone.

Being a "fixer'' is not something which you want to avoid being because it
is the only way you have ever gotten people to recognize and to accept you.


Ways to overcome compulsive fixing

In order to overcome being a compulsive "fixer" you need to:

Accept the belief that others must accept personal responsibility for their
own lives and actions.

Recognize that being a "fixer'' is a way to control others. It places the
responsibility for the other's actions on you, which is not where it belongs.

Establish a healthy emotional boundary between you and those whom you  desire
to fix.

Develop a philosophy of "helping'' which emphasizes that what people need  is
emotional support and understanding of their feelings concerning a problem
rather than advice, direction, suggestions, or "content'' solutions.

Establish healthy emotional detachment from the persons, places, things  whom
you feel driven to "fix".

Find your reinforcement, strokes, or "warm fuzzies'' from within yourself
and not get "hooked'' on the need for approval or recognition from others for
what you do for them.

Accept that in "helping'' another the goal and purpose is to help the other
to help himself.

Recognize that "doing for'' another is not helping another get strong,
healthy, or independent.

Recognize when the compulsion "to fix'' arises so that you can use rational
thinking and feeling to develop strategies of helping which leave the others
free to "fix'' themselves.

Accept that you can only fix one person, namely yourself, and that all
others must be responsible for "fixing'' themselves.

Give permission to the people in your life to call you on it or to confront
you when you are caught up in the need to "fix'' them.

Gain support from your support network as you let go of the people, places,
and things you feel compelled to fix.

Recognize that the only way you can get significant others to recognize  that
they need help is to be "squeaky clean and healthy'' in your relationship
with them.

Accept that your fantasy or dream of how others would be if they changed is
your fantasy and dream and not necessarily theirs.

Identify that, if another has a problem, then they have to own it if they
are ever going to fix it and that, if you try to fix the problem, then you are
taking on ownership of the problem as your own.

Accept that, when a problem exists in your relationship with another, both
parties must work on it to fix it if they are to come to a compromise and
healthy "win win'' resolution.

Identify that obligation and over-responsibility are not healthy enough
reasons to keep you in a "fixer'' posture with others.

Realize that guilt as a motivator to keep you hooked into a "fixer-fixee''
relationship is unhealthy for you and the other.


Steps to overcome the "fixer" role

Step 1: In your journal, you first need to list and identify all persons,
places, and things with whom you are a "fixer.''

A. The people I feel a need to "fix'' are:

B. The places I feel a need to "fix'' are:

C. The things I feel a need to "fix'' are:

Step 2: For each person, place, or thing identify the following:

A. What are the issues that need fixing?

B. For whom are these issues a problem? Are they a problem for you, a
problem for the other, or a problem for both of you?

C. How openly has the other admitted these issues are problems and how have
they asked for your help to "fix'' them?

D. How has the other tried to take steps to solve or "fix'' these problems
on their own? How successful have they been?

Step 3: You next need to identify what are the "hooks'' in your  relationship
with each person, place, or thing that keep you in your addicted  fixer role.
For each person, place, or thing you identified in Step 1 now  identify which
of these twenty hooks exist for you and put an X next to  it..

Emotional Hooks Self Assessment

___ ( 1) Your sense of guilt if they should get worse

___ ( 2) Your sense of over-responsibility

___ ( 3) Your sense of obligation

___ ( 4) Your fantasy of a change in the relationship

___ ( 5) Fear of losing them

___ ( 6) Your need to be needed

___ ( 7) Your need to control others

___ ( 8) Your fear of going insane if they don't change

___ ( 9) Your overemotional enmeshment or attachment with them

___ (10) Your need for approval and recognition

___ (11) Your need to be seen as a "helper'' who does good for others

___ (12) A martyr complex. This is your role in life to clean up the messes
which others make in your life

___ (13) A sense that they can't do it without you

___ (14) A way of keeping the focus off your needs by keeping the spotlight
on help of others

___ (15) The others don't recognize that you are an addicted fixer with  them

___ (16) Your own low self-esteem and unhealthy way of thinking, feeling,
and acting

___ (17) Your inability to emotionally detach from others who are in a  toxic
relationship with you

___ (18) Your competitive need to look more knowledgeable, wiser, and more
"together'' than the other

___ (19) Your need to ensure that your current life is not as dysfunctional
as your past life was

___ (20) Your "pride'' that only you can correct or fix things for  others

Step 4: Once you identify the "hooks'' in the relationship with each  person,
place, and thing for whom you are an addicted fixer, then you need to
develop rational, healthy alternative beliefs which allow you to "let go'' of 
the
need to "fix'' them.

Step 5: You then need to get support from your own network of support to
"let go'' of the need to "fix'' these persons, places, and things.

Step 6: You need to give back to each person, place, and thing the
responsibility for their own actions and solutions to their problems.

Step 7: You need to seek your Higher Power's strength as you cease your
"fixer'' role in the lives of these persons, places, and things.

Step 8: If you find yourself relapsing into the "fixer'' role again with  any
person, place, or thing, then return to Step 1 and begin again.

What are caretaker behaviors?
Caretaker behaviors are those behaviors  which:

Keep people in a dependency relationship with you.

Require that everyone you care for must conform to your set of rules and
norms about how they are to conduct their lives.

On the surface "look good'' and proper but in reality are a subtle way of
manipulating others to keep them under your control.

You exercise on others to prevent unwanted behaviors or disasters or to
clean up and provide damage control after a problem has erupted.

Make you valuable to others who need your assistance, rescuing and help and
therefore anoint you to be in a "powerful'' position to control, dictate, or
direct their future actions.

Make you the person upon whom people rely to be the stable rock,  foundation,
or support in the system when they get into trouble.

Exhibit the axiom that money, material goods, and status are more important
in human relationships than are emotional support, self-discipline and
feelings-oriented relationships.

Keep people from honestly assessing what is happening in their lives for
fear that if they become honest they could no longer turn to the caretaker to
"bail them out'' when they get into trouble.

Are often enabling behaviors which exacerbate the troubled behaviors which
are being "cared'' for.

Are often hidden behind the mask of a "gift'' or a "token of love'' but in
reality have major "strings attached'' by which the recipient is held to be
"beholden'' or grateful for the gift and thus held in line with what the
caretaker wants to happen if further gifts are to be given.

Bail others out from major problems with the result that they lose their
sense of independence and personal autonomy.

Give you the role of a "Godfather'' who is all giving and yet seeks
retribution if you are ever crossed or disappointed.


What are the negative effects of being a caretaker?

If you continue to be a "caretaker" in your relationships, then you  could:

Become frustrated over the amount of energy, resources, time, effort,
support, and sacrifices you need to "put out'' in order to help those people who
look to you for help.

Be disappointed that those to whom you are a caretaker seem to increase in
their "helplessness'' over time rather than grow in selfBsufficiency.

"Punish'' those you `"caretake'' if they become successful and gain
independence from their need for help.

Take on the role of "martyr'' bemoaning how awful it is to have so many
people's lives you are responsible for and yet do nothing to change the 
situation
to encourage the people to leave the nest and fly on their own.

Encourage a number of people, places, or things to become overdependent on
you, thus increasing your stress and anxiety with such responsibility solely on
  you.

Get stuck in "denial'' that your caretaking actually enables others to
become dependent rather than independent.

Enjoy the power and control of being the "godfather'' and begin to resort  to
intimidation, threats, and coercion to keep those dependent on you in line.

Become frustrated that you are working harder and harder to "make things
right'' and yet don't seem to be succeeding since there are always new problems
needing your attention and support.

See yourself as a generous, benevolent, and philanthropic individual while
in reality you are a controller who weakens people's wills and spirits from
becoming independent, self-sufficient, and successful in their own right.

Contribute to enabling and exacerbating the addictive, compulsive, and
self-destructive behaviors of those you "care'' for.

Be outraged, angry, and resent the "freeloading'' of others on you and yet
enjoy the sense of "helping'' others and not be able to let go of the
freeloaders in your life.

Sense that no matter how much you do for others it is never good enough to
correct the situation and feel compelled to give more and more, in the process
accepting increased control and responsibility over these people's lives.

Believe that your advice, "gems of wisdom,'' insights, suggestions, and
"directives'' are the "golden rule'' for those dependent on you and get angry,
resentful, and lose your temper with them when they ignore you.

Become socially isolated if people are drawn to you not for "who you are''
but rather for what "you can do for them.''

Experience a grave depression if you realize that no matter how much you
give others you are constantly in a struggle to gain their unconditional love.
Even worse you question if they would love you if you had nothing to give them
but you the person.

Experience a worsening of your low self-esteem when you recognize that your
worth is based conditionally on what you do for others rather than on what you
  are as a person.


How is being a caretaker a control issue?

Being a caretaker is a control issue because:

It places the "locus of control'' in your hands and out of the hands of
those you are caring for.

You take control from other people to determine their own direction in life
by accepting the full brunt of responsibility for their welfare.

By believing that you are the source of all good things for others you give
yourself the power to control their lives, fortunes, and destiny, if not in
reality, at least in your mind.

You can often resort to use of threats, coercion, or intimidation to retain
your dominant role in their lives, if the people, places, or things try to get
  control back.


Those people, places, or things whom you take care of can become
overdependent on your nurturance, care and support so much so that they lose the
inherent capability to control their own lives.

You can often persist in caring for others who are the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in your life you need to let go of or become detached from.

You open yourself up to be manipulated to care for others who hide behind
the mask of helplessness in order to hook you to do what they want you to do for
  them.

It can often be a mask behind which you hide so as to avoid having to deal
with the problems or issues which are out of control in your life.

It is often easier to control others than to gain your own self-control.

When you see another for whom you are being a caretaker struggle to get
power back in their own lives by functioning independently from you, you can
resort to power tactics to get them back into the dependent role with you.

On the surface it looks so generous, giving, and noble to be a caretaker
when in reality you are a dependent person who needs needy people, places, or
things to give you identity and a reason for being.

It robs others of the power of self-determination by encouraging
overdependency, a sense of helplessness, and the inability to care for 
themselves.

By use of gifts, favors, loans, inheritance, and other caretaker tactics  you
manipulate others to give you the respect, honor, admiration, approval,
affection, and acceptance you need so badly.


What irrational thinking leads you to become a caretaker?

I only have value in life if people need me.

The people in my life could not survive without my assistance or help.

They are dependent people who would fail or collapse if I stopped taking
care of them.

They can't do without me.

I do it because I love them.

I just can't stand to see them fail or get into trouble.

If they don't succeed in life, it would be my fault.

They will be grateful and beholden to me for everything I have done for
them.

They will be loyal and supportive to me for all that I do for them.

They are too incompetent to take care of themselves.

People expect me to take care of them and I could never let them down.

I am the only stable one around here and if I don't take control they would
all fall apart.

If I don't take over for them, they would mess up so badly that it would
take more energy to clean up the mess than to prevent it.

It is important that the people in my life be protected from failure, pain,
hurt, or suffering.

I could never let them down. They depend on me too much.

This is all I'm good for, which is to do for others.

I've sacrificed, scrimped, and saved so that they could benefit from all of
my efforts.

If I didn't do something for or give something to them, what makes you  think
they would still care about me?

You've always got to look after them since they are so inadequate and could
never succeed on their own.

I know more, have more experience, and am wiser than they are, so they need
my resources, help, and advice to get them through this problem.

How can I allow other people to hurt and suffer pain? It hurts me not to
lift a finger to rescue or fix them.

They are desperate and just this once I need to take over for them.


What you can do to cease the need to be a caretaker?

First: Identify the people in your life for whom you currently feel the  need
to be a caretaker. For each person, do the steps which follow.

Second:  What do you do as a caretaker for this person or what do you  feel
you need to do?

Third: Identify why you feel the need to do these things for this person.
Analyze if these reasons are rational, healthy, and based on reality. Then
develop healthier, more rational reasons not to be a caretaker for this  person.

Fourth: Identify what your feelings are concerning this person.

Fifth:  Identify how you would feel if you no longer felt a need to do
caretaker actions for this person.

Sixth: Identify how rational, healthy, and realistic these feelings  are.

Seventh: Identify new, more healthy, realistic and rational feelings you  can
have after ceasing the need to be a caretaker for this person.

Eighth: Identify new non-caretaker behaviors you can develop with this
person.

Ninth: Implement new, non-caretaker, rational, healthy and realistic
behaviors with this person.

Tenth: Reward and reinforce yourself for ceasing your need to be a  caretaker
with the following positive self-talk.

I am a good person and do not need to do things for people in order for me
to have worth or value.

It is OK to let people be responsible for their own lives even if they  fail,
make a mistake, or do not succeed in the process.

It is good not to be a caretaker, because I prevent people from feeling
independent, competent, and self-sufficient by being a caretaker for them.

By letting people take care of themselves, I am allowing them to grow
self-confident, competent and self-sufficient.

I now am living my life more fully for myself and feel more freedom from
anxiety, stress, panic, and fear.

I deserve to be the recipient of all of my caretaking behaviors and others
are better off as a result.

I am not responsible for others' failures, mistakes, losses, or lack of
success. I am responsible only for me.

I am a good person deserving of respect even if I do not shower others with
my old caretaker behaviors.

I can help people more by allowing them to accept personal responsibility
for their own lives.

I can assess my value and worth by how well I have lived my life for myself
rather than by how much I have given or done for others.

Eleventh: Continue to monitor your need to be a caretaker for the people in
your life. Recognize that when you return to caretaker behaviors you are
returning to a need to control the lives of these people.

Twelfth: If you find yourself falling back into the need to be a caretaker
for the people in your life, return to the first step and begin again.


Steps to eliminate caretaker behaviors

Step 1:     In your journal answer the following  questions to first
determine if you are a caretaker in your behaviors with  others.

A. How do you feel when you realize that other people need you for what you
do for them?

B. How do you deal with a situation in which someone in your life is
experiencing a problem, disaster, failure or loss?

C. How do you react to others' addictive or other self-destructive  behaviors?

D. How well do you allow others to exercise personal responsibility over
their own lives?

E. How would you feel if people no longer turned to you to cure, fix,  solve,
or rectify problems for them?

F. How do you feel when you realize that others have become dependent on  you?

G. How do you feel when you are told that you are dependent on the people
who are dependent on you to need and to be cared for by you?

H. How do you feel about altering your thinking, feelings, and behaviors to
cease your need to be a caretaker?

I. How does ceasing the need to be a caretaker fit into your program of
recovery from low self-esteem?

J. How does being a caretaker reflect your low self-esteem?

K. How have you reacted to people who were caretakers to you? How
comfortable are you with being equally classified with the caretakers in your 
own life?

L. How big a problem for you is being a caretaker? How willing are you to
let go of this problem?

Step 2:  If after your assessment of your caretaker behaviors, you are
committed to change these behaviors, then proceed to identify each person in 
your
life for whom you are currently a caretaker or have a need to be a  caretaker.
For each person identified, in your journal answer the following  questions.

A. What do you do for this person?

B. How does what you do affect this person?

C. What reasons lead you to feel the need to exercise these caretaker
behaviors with this person? How rational, healthy, or in touch with reality are
these reasons?

D. How do you feel about this person?

E. How do you feel about the effects of your caretaking on this  person?

F. How would you feel if you no longer felt the need to be a caretaker for
this person? What are the risks? What are the losses? What are the benefits?
What new feelings would be healthier and more rational for you?

G. What new behaviors do you need to exercise with this person to cease
being a caretaker?

H. What can you do to control your urge to be a caretaker for this  person?

I. What can you do to let go of the need to fix, rescue, control,
manipulate, and take care of this person?

J. What alternatives do you have to being a caretaker to this person?

Step 3: Once you have analyzed your caretaker behaviors for each person you
take care of, then you need to implement more non-controlling, healthy,
rational, more realistic, non-caretaking behaviors with each of these  people

Step 4: Keep monitoring your success in ceasing to be a caretaker and
reinforce your effort in this regard. As you do this, answer in your journal the
following questions.

A. How are these people reacting to your letting go of your caretaking
behaviors?

B. How are you dealing with guilt trips these people pull on you?

C. How do you deal with these people's anger when you cease being a
caretaker for them?

D. How do you reward yourself for ceasing to be a caretaker to reinforce
yourself against the powerful forces to pull you back into caretaking?

E. How do you deal with your compulsive urge to fall back into being a
caretaker for each of these people?

F. How do you deal with the realities of failure, loss, mistakes, and
non-success that is experienced by those people to whom you have ceased to be a
caretaker?

G. What rational, healthy, and realistic self-talk do you do to keep you
from jumping back into being a caretaker again?

H. What do you need in your life in order to keep you from becoming a
caretaker again?

Step 5: As you continue to reward your efforts at ceasing to be a caretaker
to others, keep working at turning your need to care back on yourself to
ensure  you put these behaviors to work for you.

Step 6:  If you revert back into caretaker behaviors or the need to be  a
caretaker, return to Step 1 and begin again.


What is powerlessness?

Powerlessness is the:

Sensation of being out of control with no apparent solution to help you to
regain control.

Complete lack of control, authority, or status to affect how others will
treat or act towards you.

Lack of capability to affect the realities of life out of your control  like:


how others act towards you

if you will get a job you want

If you will be accepted to a school you desire to attend

what the weather will be

if an accident will occur

if an act of God will affect you or others, etc.

Lack of ability

to affect or change the compulsive or addictive behaviors of others which
affect you negatively.

  to make others exactly what you want them to be.

to change past events which have had a negative impact in your current  life.

to insure that all of your dreams and fantasies for the way you want life  to
be will come true in reality.

to completely change things you have attempted repeatedly to change with no
success.

Presence of impulsive, addictive, compulsive, and obsessive behaviors in  you
which

up to now you have not been able to get under control

are causing your life to become unmanageable

affect your life and

are out of your control.

Lack of strength, competence, or skills to overcome realities in life that
have no current apparent solution, such as

the cure for AIDS and cancer

complete recovery from cerebral palsy

bringing back to life a loved one who has died, etc.

Recognition that there are for you

people,

problems, and


things that are

uncontrollable and

unchangeable and

out of your power to completely

affect,

control, or

change.


What are the negative consequences of not accepting personal  powerlessness?

If you do not accept powerlessness over the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in your life, then you could:

Begin to frustrate yourself in your attempts to gain control and to fix the
non-fixable.

Become extremely rigid and dogmatic in your handling of life's problems
believing that there is "only one way'' to do things, the "perfect'' way.

Deny the enormity of the things which you do not have power to change and
become locked into "fantasy'' or "magical'' thinking that given enough time,
energy, and resources you can succeed in changing them.

Become so full of self-pride as to believe that only you can be the
"savior'' for the ills or problems you are facing.

Become so self-preoccupied that you become incapable of reaching out to ask
for others' help and support in facing these problems which are beyond your
power and control.

Deny the existence of a Higher Power in your life upon whom you can call  for
help and assistance.

Lose your faith in the capability of human beings to help out a fellow  human
who is in need of help and support.

Become so frustrated and depressed in trying to solve the unsolvable
problems that you find your temper, anger, and rage igniting and flaring up
spontaneously, inappropriately, and disproportionately.

Feel so defeated by the non-fixable realities of life that you come to
believe yourself an inadequate person.

Forget that you are a human being and as such open to failures and mistakes
and not the "perfect being'' who is omnipotent and infallible in all things.

Cling onto the people whom you cannot control or change until they one day
walk out on you frustrated by your incessant efforts to change, correct, or
reform them.

Lose perspective of your own limits and not be self-protective of your
energy, resources, and spirit in your incessant effort to solve the unsolvable.

Increase in a sense of low self-esteem because you are incapable of making
everything right and perfect with all people, places, and things in your life.


How is accepting powerlessness a control issue?

Accepting powerlessness is a control issue because:

It gives you the ability to retain the "locus of control'' in your hands
because you have the right to accept or reject, to reach out or to pull in from
others' offers of help.

You are capable of seeking help and support from others to fortify your
efforts in this regard, by recognizing that you have addictive, impulsive,
compulsive, or obsessive behavioral patterns which you are "powerless'' to 
control
or fix on your own, .

You recognize the need of the strength and assistance of a Higher Power  with
whom you can share the solving of your overpowering problems, by letting go
of the "pride'' of survivorship that says that "only you'' can solve your own
problems, no matter how big they are,

In so doing you give credibility and validity to the belief that there are
issues in your life that no matter how long and how much you control them you
will never gain full power over because they inevitably will happen. Such
items  as death, taxes, weather, climatic changes, acts of God, are just a few
of
those  things you will never be able to control and thus you are powerless to
change.

It is a first step in accepting help for any problems which are stronger
than you and are resistant to efforts to correct.

It is the inviting of others into your life to support your need to correct
a problem. It is a behavior similar to "helplessness'' but yet qualitatively
different because helplessness is really a guise for maintaining control over
others whereas

It is an honest appraisal of how much control or power you have over
problems, situations, people, places, or things.

In recognizing that there is a Higher Power who has a role in your life,  you
are able to put into a healthy perspective how much energy, resources,
personal investment, emotional and physical effort and time you need to 
contribute
to the partnership with your Higher Power to face those problems over  which
you by yourself are powerless.

You don't like to admit you can't control something on your own and yet
unless you do so you will continue to knock your head against a brick wall.


What is the irrational thinking that leads to denial of  powerlessness?

Here are some examples of irrational thinking that leads you to deny
powerlessness over the out of control people, places, things, and personal 
behaviors
in your life:

You must be able to have control over everything in your life.

It is a sign of weakness to admit your inability to control or change
things.

You should be able to solve your own problems on your own.

What would people think if you reached out for help to deal with the  aspects
of your life which are out of control?

You should be able to work things out on your own, once you realize what  the
problem is.

  There is no problem too great that it can't be solved.

God never gives you a problem too great that you can't handle it on your
own.

You are a real "wimp'' or "wuss'' if you can't deal with it on your own.

People are able to handle everything in life. That is why they were given
intelligence, creativity and imagination.

It is a sign of moral weakness if you are not able to get your impulsive,
addictive, compulsive, or obsessive behaviors under control.

You are a "bad person'' if you are powerless to change your behaviors on
your own.

You are not supposed to ask for help from others when you are dealing with
your weak character flaws.

When you ask for help, you always become dependent on others to solve your
problems for you.

Certain behaviors have a genetic basis and it is best to ignore them so  that
they don't occur in your life.

Ignore your problems and they will go away.

An impulse is an easy thing to get under control.

You are morally weak if you have an addictive behavior problem.

The only way to change sick behaviors is to work at it on your own.

If you don't face your problems, they don't exist for the moment.

Admitting you are a human being when facing problems is admitting defeat.

You should be able to handle every challenge in your life on your own.


How to learn to admit powerlessness

When you are troubled by personal behaviors or by uncontrollable and
unchangeable people, places, things, and situations in your life, you can follow
these steps so as to admit your powerlessness over them to enable you to get
help from others to deal with them.

First Identify what behavior, person, place, thing, or situation is causing
you problems and making your life unmanageable.

Second: Identify what it is about this problem that makes you feel  powerless.

Third: Identify what irrational beliefs keeps you from admitting being
powerless over the problem.

Fourth: Replace this irrational thinking with healthy, rational, more
realistic thinking about powerlessness such as the following positive
self-affirmations.

I am a human being and deserve support from others in my efforts to address
problems over which I currently feel powerless.

I deserve support and help to address these problems for my self-growth.

It is human to feel powerless since only God is all powerful and  omnipotent.

I will get closer to recovery from my problems once I admit my inability to
solve them on my own.

It is OK to feel powerlessness over my problems as long as I reach out to  my
Higher Power and others for assistance and support.

I can solve problems that come my way as long as I am willing to admit my
inability to solve them on my own and seek help to deal with them

I gain more in life by letting go of control over those things that are out
of my power to control.

I gain serenity in life by admitting what I am powerless to change and
control.

I am a human and not God and that's OK.

Help is only given to those who ask for it.

I can reach out for help when I am powerless to solve a problem on my own.

I will seek help from my Higher Power and others when I feel powerless to
solve a problem on my own.

Fifth: Once you have affirmed your right to admit powerlessness over the
problem, then reach out to others to seek their support and assistance.

Sixth: Simultaneous with reaching out for help from others to deal with the
problem, seek your Higher Power's assistance by the following:

Handing over the uncontrollable and unchangeable elements of the problem to
your Higher Power.

Asking your Higher Power for the strength, wisdom, and courage to deal with
the controllable and changeable elements of the problem.

Seventh: Once you gain help and support from others and your Higher Power,
conscientiously and assiduously take steps to address the changeable elements
which you have the power and ability to change.

Eighth: Recognize that progress will be slow and erratic at first in
changing personal behaviors of an impulsive, addictive, compulsive, or obsessive
nature. Give yourself enough time to change, taking one day at a time.

Ninth: Admit to yourself that, in changing personal behaviors or habits,
relapse into the old behaviors is a fact of life. Give yourself permission to be
a human and to experience a relapse into old behavior and then get back onto
the  wagon of recovery. Don't end your efforts to change if you should
experience a  slippage into old patterns or habits of acting. Do not seek
perfection
in  recovery. Admit that you are not a "perfect being'' and that you don't
have to  recover perfectly all at one time.

Tenth: Monitor your progress in solving your problem and handling relapses
of old behaviors. Try not to take on more than you can handle by  remembering:

Take one thing at a time.

Step by step.

Easy does it.

First things first.

Day by day.

Hour by hour.

Minute by minute.

Progress is slow but steady.

You are the determiner of pace.

You are in charge of your destiny.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

It took a long time to get you into this and it will take a long time to  get
out.

Eleventh:   If you are again overwhelmed by your efforts to solve  this
problem, admit your powerlessness and gain support and assistance to  persist
and
not give up your efforts.

Twelfth:   If you are not experiencing success in solving this  problem, the
chances are you have not fully admitted your powerlessness to  change,
control, or solve it on your own. Return to the first step and begin  over
again.


Steps to admitting powerlessness

Step 1: In order to admit powerlessness, you first need to recognize what  is
causing your life to be unmanageable. Consider this following list:

Things that cause one's life to become unmanageable because the person is
powerless over them:
People

Places

Things

Situations

Personal behaviors:

Impulsive behaviors a thing you do right away with no pre-thought or
hesitation.

Addictive behaviors a thing you do with no thought at all which is a habit
and out of control.

Compulsive behaviors a thing you do with little thought, over and over  again
and it is hard to control.

Obsessive behaviors a thing you do over and over again because you don't
believe it is perfectly done unless it is corrected and modified over and over
again.


In your journal for each of the categories listed above  consider  these
questions:

A. What is problematical about it?

B. Why is it problematical for you?

C. Why is it causing your life to be unmanageable?

D. What efforts have you used in the past or are you currently trying to  use
to correct it?

E. Why have your efforts to solve, change or control failed to this  point?

F. How do you feel about your lack of success at solving, controlling, or
changing it?

G. Whose help, assistance, or support have you enlisted to solve it?

H. To what extent is it an uncontrollable or unchangeable element in your
life?

I. To what extent is it a controllable or changeable element in your  life?

J. Why have you not let go of the unchangeable or uncontrollable elements  of
it before this time?

Step 2:  Once you identify your problems, then identify in your  journal the
thinking which still keeps you from admitting you are powerless to  solve each
one of these on your own.

Step 3: In your journal develop a set of new self-talk or self-affirmations
to give you permission to admit your powerlessness over each of these
problems.

Step 4: In your journal identify for each problem a person from whom to  seek
support, assistance, and help to address it.

Step 5: In your journal identify how you would seek your Higher Power's
assistance for each problem.

Step 6: Seek help from others for each problem. Let go or hand over the
uncontrollable and unchangeable problems to your Higher Power and seek 
assistance
from your Higher Power for the controllable and changeable  elements.

Step 7: Monitor your progress in addressing these problems. If you are
having little or no success, you probably have not fully admitted powerlessness
over solving them on your own, so return to Step 1 and begin again.

What is letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables?
Letting go  of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in life is the:

Admitting the obvious truth - that you are not responsible to affect a
change or correct a problem which is beyond your competency, power, authority or
responsibility.

Releasing over-responsibility - giving permission to yourself to be free
from an overresponsible sense of obligation, duty, or requirement to make
everything "perfect'' in your life and the life of others.

No perfectionism - Allowing yourself to rid yourself of the perfectionistic
need to control every aspect of your life so that nothing goes "wrong'' in it.

Getting rational about what you can and cannot do - becoming realistic  about
what is and is not your obligation or duty to correct, change, or control.

Releasing self to "no" - allowing yourself to be able to say "no'' or "I
can't'' when faced with insurmountable problems out of your reach.

Confessing faith in God- Openly declare that God, your "Higher Power" is
stronger and a great source of power to whom you can hand over these things out
of your control.

Accepting your powerlessness - over things and handing these things over to
your Higher Power.

Handing it over to God - which is no longer taking direct action to effect  a
change but handing the situation over to the goodness and mercy of your
Higher  Power in hope that the solution will rest in the Higher Power's
authority
and  wisdom.

Declaring God is in Charge - admitting that you can only do so much and
after that it is up to your Higher Power to take over.

Realistic acceptance of loss - after fully grieving a loss admitting that
there is nothing left to be done but to accept the loss and hand the loss from
this point on over to your Higher Power's care and love.

Surrender: Problem solving conclusion - culmination of extensive problem
solving, brainstorming, and testing alternatives with the final conclusion that
you can do nothing to change the circumstances of the issue out of your reach
and control and that it would be saner and more realistic to free your energy
up  by surrendering and letting go of the issue and handing it over to your
Higher  Power.


What are the negative effects of not letting go of the uncontrollables  and
unchangeables in life?

If you are unable to "let go'' of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in
your life, you could:

Become so obsessed with the need to solve everything on your own that you
run the risk of physical and emotional exhaustion.

Never attain personal serenity and peace by accepting the human condition  at
work in your life.

Never establish an effective means of "handing over'' to your Higher Power
the "too big to solve'' issues in your life and thus become bogged down in
"chasing your tail'' in these issues.

Never be at rest, always having these issues stirring up your emotional
resources and energy.

Become anxious, stressed, insecure, and depressed over these issues so much
that your personal effectiveness lessens at home, work, school, or in the
community.

Become obsessed with these issues so much that they are the only topic of
conversation or focus of attention you have in your life.

Be driven by the sense of failure, not being "good enough,'' or guilt for
not fixing the issues and become depressed and very hard in your
self-assessments until you believe that you are the failure who is out of 
control and
needing to be changed into a `"perfect,'' all powerful, infallible  being.

Become competitive with your Higher Power as the source of wisdom and light
in the lives of those whom you are so desperately trying to control, fix, and
change.

Try to replace God by referring to yourself in terms only appropriate in
describing your Higher Power because of your belief that you have the power to
solve the unsolvable situations in your life. Because of this inflated ego and
incapability of solving the unsolvable, your self-esteem and self-worth take
a  beating.

Exacerbate low self-esteem  by becoming so obsessed with the sense of  shame,
guilt, failure, and incompetence in not being able to solve your  unsolvable
problems.

Loss everything of importance by making such great sacrifices to save the
things beyond your control that you lose everything in your life which gave it
meaning including: marriage, money, success, business, jobs, children,
relationships, and even your life.


How is letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables a control  issue?

Letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life is a
control issue because:

It de-powers the external "locus of control'' issues in your life and helps
strengthen your internal "locus of control.''

Saves your sanity - unless you let go of those things over which you are
powerless, you run the risk of burning out your emotional and physical energy,
enthusiasm, spirit, resources, and reserves. Letting go is an act by which you
release your need to control every situation, person, place, or thing in
order  to ensure that your sanity is not threatened.

Not a power play - instead it is an open admission that you do not need to
exercise power and control over people, places, things or situations which are
not amenable to such efforts.

Enhances self-control - since it frees you up to gain self-control over  your
own life without guilt or fear of reprisals by those people, places, or
things which you have let go of.

Unhooks you - since you have not let others' intimidations, manipulation,
overdependency, or helplessness "hook" you into being a "fixer," "caretaker," or
  "rescuer" of that which is not amenable to being fixed or helped.

Freedom from Idealism - often due to your idealism and irrational belief
system about how perfect things should be that you get trapped into unhealthy
efforts to solve things which are not solvable and by letting go you gain the
ability to free up and focus on yourself, the one thing you can control and
change.

Detachment oriented - letting go involves detaching from persons, places,  or
things which have had emotional "hooks'' on you and threatened your overall
well-being.

Gives power back to the source of our power - by recognizing that there is  a
Higher Power to whom you can let go of those things which you are powerless
to  control or change is an act of self-control and a step towards self-healing
by  getting out of the power struggled with your Higher Power..

Self- Healing - through admitting that you are not omnipotent, infallible,
omniscient or superhuman, you can allow yourself to take control over yourself
once you let go of those things holding you down in a quicksand of
non-coping,  self-pity, and "sick" behaviors.


What is the irrational thinking which leads you not to let go of the
uncontrollables and unchangeables in life?

I must solve every problem that comes my way.

Only I can solve these problems.

If I don't solve these problems, I will be seen by others as a failure or  no
good.

I need to fix all of these things perfectly and as soon as possible.

There is no one else available who is going to help me solve these  problems.

All those people need to do is to follow what I've told them to do.

This place would be ideal if it would only do what I want it to do.

These things wouldn't be so bad off if they had been left to me to take  care
of by myself.

They don't know what to do and they need me to tell them.

They can't do anything right without me.  If they lose or fail, it  will
reflect badly on me.

What would others think if things didn't work out the way they were  supposed
to?

I've only known crisis, chaos, and panic in my life so why should I expect
any peace, calmness, or serenity if I leave them to take care of themselves?

I must make everything better around here or else I'll go crazy.

If I let go too soon, things might change and I'd be sorry for releasing
them too prematurely.

If I let go of them, I might lose them.

If I stop trying to fix and change them, they would no longer need me and
leave me.

There must be a way to turn them around and I can't give up yet.

What if they blame me for not taking care of them if they fail or fall flat
on their faces?

I'd rather sacrifice myself than have them blame me later for not helping
them.

They are so irresponsible they would never do it on their own.


How to improve letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in  your
life

In order to let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life,
you need to follow the words of the Prayer for Serenity by Reinhold Niebuhr.

God grant me the serenity

This requires that you establish a healthy spirituality and relationship
with your Higher Power to whom you can let go of the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in your life.

To accept the things I cannot change

You need to be realistic and rational and accept that you can change only
your feelings and attitudes about things which you are powerless to  change.

Courage to change the things I can

You need to accept personal responsibility for your own life, thinking,
emotions, and actions. You need to take care of yourself better. You need to 
stop
being a martyr, fixer, rescuer, advice giver, and enabler.

Wisdom to know the difference

You need to allow your Higher Power a place in your life along with
correcting your unhealthy, irrational and unrealistic thinking so that you can 
better
discern what is uncontrollable and unchangeable in your life.

Living one day at a time

You need to be patient and not want total self-change or recovery  overnight.
You need to let go of the need for immediate gratification.

Enjoying one moment at a time

You need to relax and smell the roses. Have fun!  Tune into your inner  child
and enjoy life for what it is rather than for how you want it to be.

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace

You need to recognize that you are a human. It is only by fully accepting
and admitting your humanness, imperfection, and inability to control and change
every person, place, or thing in your life that will you be able to achieve
peace and serenity for yourself.

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have  it

You need to accept that life cannot be as perfect as you would like it  since
every person, place, and thing is imperfect because the human condition is
this way. You need to become realistic as to what is really possible in your
lifetime if you are to be free of stress, anxiety, and tension.

Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your  will

In letting go of the uncontrollable and unchangeable people, places and
things in your life, you need to hand them over to your Higher Power. You need 
to
have a strong spiritual belief, take the risk, and have trust that your
Higher Power is strong enough to handle these problems. By handing them over no
answers are guaranteed, but at least you have unburdened the crushing weight of
  these concerns off your shoulders.

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You
forever in the next.

By letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life you  have
allowed these people, places, and things to be responsible for themselves
which takes a tremendous burden off you. By freeing yourself of this huge
burden, you will appreciate life more for what it is. You will have the energy 
and
strength to pursue your own interests. You will be able to relax and have
fun. You will be free to pursue your spiritual life with your Higher Power now
and forever.


Steps to letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in  life

Step 1:  You first need to identify all of the people, places, things,  and
situations over which you have no control and cannot change. In your  journal,
identify under each category what or who it is and reason why it is
uncontrollable and/or unchangeable.

Category Reason why uncontrollable and/or unchangeable
People 1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
Places  1. 1.
2. 2,
3. 3,
Things 1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
Situations 1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.

Step 2: For each person, place, thing, and situation listed in Step 1, you
need to answer the following questions.

A. What irrational thinking keeps you hooked at trying to control and/or
change them?

B. What benefit do you gain from holding onto the need to control and/or
change them?

C. What do you lose by holding onto the need to control and/or change  them?

D. What would you lose by letting go of them?

E.  What would you gain by letting go of them?

F.  What keeps you stuck or hooked and prevents your letting go of  them?

G.  How would they react to your letting go of the need to control  and/or
change them?

H.  How would their reaction make you feel?

I.    What do you need different in your life in order to  let go of them?

J.   When do you expect you will be ready to let go of the need  to control
and/or change them?

Step 3: Once you have analyzed your relationship with each of the
uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life, you need to address your belief 
in your
Higher Power over to whom you are letting go of them. In your journal  answer
the following questions.

A.  Who is your Higher Power?

B.  How strong is your trust and belief in your Higher Power?

C.  How will your Higher Power handle each of your uncontrollables and
unchangeables?

D.  How do you feel about the outcome of letting your Higher Power  have the
burden of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life?

E.   What can your Higher Power do differently than you with  these people,
places, things, and situations?

F.   How will these people, places, and things react to your  handing them
over to your Higher Power?

G.   What are your plans about following up on your Higher Power  and
monitoring those that you have let go of?

H.   How will you gain serenity and peace from letting go of your  burdens to
your Higher Power?

I.     What will your Higher Power do for you once you  let go of these
pressures, tensions, and burdens?

J.     How ready are you to hand over your  uncontrollables and unchangeables
to your Higher Power?

Step 4: Once you have accepted your Higher Power as the source of strength
to whom to let go of your uncontrollables and unchangeables, then actively take
  each one off your shoulders and hand them over. This includes allowing the
people, places, and things to be responsible for their own thinking, emotions,
  and actions without your interference, help, fixing, rescuing, advice
giving,  correction, or enabling.

Step 5:  Keep letting go on a day to day basis using Reinhold  Niebuhr's
Prayer for Serenity as your guide.

God, grant me serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

enjoying one moment at a time,

accepting hardships as a pathway to peace

taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it,

trusting that You will make all things right

if I surrender to Your will.

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with You forever

in the next.

Amen

Step 6: If you continue to have a problem letting go of the uncontrollables
and unchangeables in your life, return to Step 1 and begin  again.







HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

2: Tools for Handling Control Issues

What are some myths and realities about control?

Myth: The more I exercise control on others, the more control I'll have in
life.

Reality: Because others are free to accept or reject your control, the
resulting dynamic tension between the controlled and controller creates a
circumstance in life which is more out of control than you first desired. The 
more
you let go of control over others, the more control you will have over your
internal locus of control.


Myth: I am not controlling people when I am helping them or trying to  fix
things for them.

Reality: You are controlling them, however, when you are fixing or helping
them and they are not taking personal responsibility and control of their own
lives as a result of your assistance.


Myth: If I manipulate others to do what I want them to do, this is not
controlling them.

Reality: You are exercising them to do what you want because they are not  of
their own free will deciding to do what it is you want them to do.


Myth: I am not controlling others if they are unintentionally  intimidated by
me and go along with what I want them to do.

Reality: If you are unintentionally placed in an external locus of control
position by others, they have put you in a position of power over them. You are
  in control over them even though you are not aware of this at the time.


Myth: I should be in control of everything that is important in my  life.

Reality: Unfortunately you are powerless to control most people, places,  and
things in your life since you can only be fully in control of your internal
locus of control and your own thoughts, emotions, and actions.


Myth: I should hold onto and help the people in my life whom I see are
having problems taking care of themselves in acceptable, self-responsible and
self-controlling ways.

Reality: The more you try to hold onto these people, the harder they will
pull away or the weaker and more dependent on you they will become. It is better
  to become emotionally detached from their problems and let them solve them
on  their own so that they still can relate to you in a free and open way.


Myth: Other people will condemn me if I become detached from the people
close to me.

Reality: It makes no difference what others think about you. What is
important is helping the people in your life to become more self-responsible and
self-controlling of their own lives.


Myth: I should never let go of those things I am trying to control and
change because if I do I'd be considered a failure.

Reality: Your struggle to control and change things outside of your  internal
locus of control is going to wear you down and possibly break you. You  will
be healthier, happier, and more in control of your life if you let go of  the
uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life.


Myth: If I love someone, I should always be there of them even if they
become a little dependent on me for a while.

Reality: You're a person who could possibly love a person so much that you
contribute to that person's inability to become self-responsible and in
self-control of life. In reality your love may make the person overdependent on
you. Love is learning to let go of the uncontrollable and unchangeable people in
your life.


Myth: When people are helpless, I should step in and take over to help  them
get on their feet.

Reality: People might appear helpless to helpless to you but they often  have
inner reserves of competence, skills, and ability to solve their own
problems. If you take over their problems for them, this might disable them from
being productive problem solvers and agents for their own change. By always
taking over, you encourage their overdependence on you.


Myth: When things are not going the way they should, I should take  control
of the situation to make it the way it's supposed to be.

Reality: You are being irrationally led by your dreams, fantasies,
tradition, and promises of how life should be. In your idealism you can become 
so
overcontrolling as to ensure opposite desired reality will occur


Myth: I should take care of things because they will happen the way  they are
supposed to.

Reality: A caretaker works hard at being sure that everything is the way it
is supposed to be for everyone. This overcontrolling behavior succeeds in
disabling people who are being cared for and then things are never the way they
are supposed to be. You never get what you really want when you are
overcontrolling.


Steps to handling the need to control

In order for you to be better able to handle the need to control, follow
these steps.

Step 1:  First, identify what control issues you need to work on in  order to
have the ability to let go of the need to control. To identify the  issues,
use the topics from this book to help you identify what you need to work  on.
Put an "X'' next to those issues you need more work on.

___     Intimidation

___     Idealism

___     Need to fix

___     Caretaker behaviors

___     Accepting powerlessness

___     Letting go of the uncontrollables and  unchangeables

___     Developing detachment

___     Unconditional acceptance and love

___     Overdependency

___     Manipulation

___     Dealing with suicide

___     Survival behaviors

___     Developing self-control

Step 2:     Identify how you overuse control in your  life and identify the
irrational reasons why you do this. In your journal review  the reasons you
checked why you control people, places, and things and then  identify what
irrational, unhealthy thinking explains why this is so.

Step 3:     Next identify how you control others to do  for you what you
could do for yourself. Identify in your journal the items you  checked in
Section
II of this Chapter and then identify the irrational,  unhealthy thinking that
explains why this is so.

Step 4:     Next identify how others control you to do  for them what they
could do for themselves. Identify in your journal the items  you checked for
others in Section II of this Chapter. Then identify your  irrational and
unhealthy thinking that allows you to let them control you in  this way.

Step 5:     Next identify how you control your  emotional response to life.
In your journal respond to the following questions  which are based on your
responses to Section III of this Chapter.

A.     How well do you control your emotional response  to life?

B.     How much power do you give to other persons,  places, and things to
affect your thinking, feelings and actions?

C.     How often are your feelings out of control? How  does it make you feel
to recognize your feelings are out of control?

D.     What irrational thinking underlies the over or  undercontrol of your
emotional life?

Step 6:     Next you need to determine where you  currently place the locus
of control in your life. To do this, respond to this  inventory by putting an
"X'' next to the statements which are usually true for  you.

___   A. You are able to maintain control of your belief in  yourself as a
good and worthwhile person despite what others tell you about  yourself.

___   B. You accept and love yourself unconditionally at all  times even in
the midst of troubles, problems, failure, and pressure.

___   C. You give no one but you the power to influence how you  think, feel
and act.

___   D. You do not need other people's approval, recognition,  and
acceptance in order to believe in yourself as a good and worthy  person.

___   E.  Your self-esteem is strong enough that you rarely  are emotionally
affected by what people say to or about you.

___   F.  You are not affected emotionally about the  response others give
you when you assertively let them know how you feel even if  the feelings are
angry or negative in nature.

___   G.  You are able to openly assert your anger and  negativity in a
constructive way with others.

___   H.  You are not intimidated to say how you feel by the  loss of
approval or loss of acceptance from someone who might not like what you  have to
say.

___   I.  You do not feel dependent financially,  emotionally, or physically
on any person other than yourself and thus feel free  to speak freely and let
others know what you think, feel or do.

___   J.  You are able to openly admit when you have made an  error or
mistake or when you have experienced a failure in life.

If you were only able to check 7 or fewer of these items, your locus of
control is more external than internal. If you had a healthy internal locus of
control, you would have checked all but one or two of the items. If your locus
of control is external, then you need to work at strengthening your belief in
yourself by self-affirmations and self-esteem enhancement work. Begin to tell
  yourself:

A.  I am a good person who needs only my own approval, recognition,  and
acceptance.

B.  I accept and love myself unconditionally.

C.  I am a worthwhile person deserving to be respected and given a  chance to
succeed in life.

D.  I am a good person on my own.

E.   I can make it on my own if I need to.

F.   I will work at controlling and changing only me and my  outlook on life.

G.   I am the source of approval and recognition I need to  succeed.

H.   I think I can be less controlling of others.

I.     I know I can be less controlling of  others.

J.     I know I will be in more control of my own life.

Step 7:    Next you need to rid yourself of the myths about  control. You
need to accept that the less control you exercise over other  people, places,
and
things the more control you will have in your own  life.

Step 8:    You next need to work through the next 14  chapters of this book.

Step 9:    If you find you still are having problems with  control issues
after completing this entire book, return to Step 1 and begin  again.


What is intimidation?

Intimidation is:

Threatening to use power or control to get others to do what you want them
to do.

Using coercion or force to get what you want from others.

Making others feel like you are more powerful or forceful than what you
really are.

Wearing a mask of being "untouchable'' so that people keep an emotional
distance from you and yet do for you what you desire.

Using verbal and nonverbal cues to let others know you are not going to
reward any unfaithfulness to what you desire them to do for you.

Using verbally, physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive behaviors to
get people to "stay in line.''

Using physical size, stature, and strength to get others to respect and  obey
you.

Using punishments such as firing, poor evaluations, divorce, spanking,
physical fights to get people to do what you want.

Using quick temper, anger, or rage to get people to do what you want.

Holding your knowledge, level of education, number of degrees over the  heads
of others to get them to listen to and obey you.

Convincing others that you are the "only one'' with enough experience,
wisdom, intellect, and insight to give direction or to have the "correct'' 
answers
to life's problems.

Acting in such a way that no one would dare question or stand up to you  over
any of your decisions, opinions, or directives.

Using your money, wealth, or status to put others into their place so that
your power over them is secured and not questioned.

Keeping others loyal to you by threats of pulling back your support, love,
caring, interest, or approval of them.

Using dictatorial, Gestapo, or autocratic behaviors to get people to do  what
you want.

Unintentional verbal or nonverbal cues which put people on guard when they
are with you.


What are the negative effects of intimidation?

If you continue to use intimidation to control others, then you will:

Find people developing emotional barriers in their relationships with you  so
that they are no longer vulnerable to being hurt by your control.

Be at risk of being accused as being emotionally, verbally, physically, or
sexually abusive in your dealings with others.

Find that the costs of "getting your way'' all of the time are greater than
you expected when you find yourself lonely and disconnected from others.

Believe that the only goal in life is succeeding in getting your way at any
cost and become totally consumed in the pursuit of acquiring power, control,
position, and status.

Run the risk of becoming a pathetic, lonely, isolated person with few close
relationships and many enemies out to get their revenge against you.

Experience a great deal of passive aggressiveness thrown your way by the
people you are trying to control.

Risk becoming more absolute and rigid in your exercise of power and control
and become more defensive about any personal criticism of your actions or
beliefs.

Begin to prefer "rejecting'' people before they reject you and find  yourself
becoming increasingly socially isolated and alienated from others.

Not be accepted, approved of or sought after by others who will never get a
chance to see the "real you'' whom you've locked behind your intimidating
mask.

Feel like you're really a "teddy bear'' underneath it all and bemoan that
people never take the time to get to know this side of you. You might even lie
and say you don't care if they never get to know that side of you, even though
  emotionally you know differently.

Run the risk of becoming more depressed as you become more isolated and  find
that your anger and rage flare ups increase.

Experience even lower self-esteem due to the lack of acceptance by others.


How is intimidation a control issue?

Intimidation is a control issue because it:

Places the "locus of control'' not "internally" on the person who is doing
what you want them to do but "externally" on you the intimidator.

Is an attempt to get others to do what you want them to do.

Involves use of control strategies such as threats, pressure, power, force,
or coercion.

Gets others to do what you want not because they freely want to do it but
because of your control over them.

Uses the power of the fear of your rejection, disapproval, and anger to get
others to comply with your requests.

Robs free choice and free will from those people whom you have intimidated.

Makes others victims of your power and control needs.

Does not always occur intentionally and can occur when a person gives you
power and control to get what you want because they feel intimidated by your
size, behavior, demeanor, anger, intellect, verbal skills, etc.

Is a shifting of the power over oneself to being under the power of  another,
be it done intentionally or not.

Weakens the will to survive in those who feel beaten down, abused and
oppressed by the intimidator.


What irrational thinking leads to the use of intimidation of  others?

I will use whatever it takes to get them to obey me.

No one will ever get away with showing a lack of respect for my position of
authority, leadership, and dominance.

People should always do what I tell them no matter what.

I would feel out of control and weak if people didn't always do what I
wanted them to do.

They owe me respect, obedience, and compliance with all of my requests
because I am in charge of them.

What I say goes around here. No if's, and's, or but's. You hear that!

I know more than they do so they should listen to me and do what I tell  them
to do.

They owe it to me. After all, look at all I have done for them.

If they dare question or buck me on this, they will have to leave here.

No one has a right around here to ignore me or my requests since I earn the
money which they need.

Just step out of line once and I'll knock your head off.

People only respond to threats, coercion, and power plays around here.

I get more out of people when I get angry at them.

As long as I am the strongest or most intelligent or the wealthiest around
here, they will do what I tell them to do.

It takes too much time to get consensus or compromise, so as long as they  do
what I want we'll all be happy around here.

They are sick people and I am the only healthy one around here, so they
should follow my advice and direction.

They are non-informed, intellectually inferior, and poorly educated, so  they
should listen to me.

The only way to get things done is to ride them hard and long.

You don't get anywhere by listening to other's opinions about what needs to
be done since they will disagree with what you want done and you'll have to
force them to do what you want done anyway.

There is no reason why I need to give them the freedom to do what they want
to do. After all, what have they done for me?


What can you do to eliminate intimidating others?

If you desire to eliminate intimidating others, try the following steps.

First: If you are unclear if you are intimidating to others, then you first
need to ask the people in your life if they find you intimidating.

Second: Once you are clear that you are intimidating either by feedback  from
the people in your life or by your experience of people reacting to you as
if they were intimidated, then you need to identify what about you is
intimidating. To do this, make an inventory of your behaviors, attitudes, 
nonverbal
cues, appearance to others, educational level, wealth, position of  leadership,
sexual attitudes, which are or may be intimidating to the people in  your
life.

Third:     After you have identified your intimidating  personal
characteristics, then determine if you are intentionally or  non-intentionally
intimidating to the people you listed. It is important to be  realistic with
yourself
that you can be intimidating to others even if you don't  intend to be.

Fourth: Next, assess the negative impact and negative consequences of your
intentional or non-intentional intimidation on the people you identified.

Fifth: After assessing the impact of your intimidating characteristics, you
next need to assess what if any irrational, unhealthy, and non-reality-based
thinking and beliefs contribute to your intimidating others.

Sixth: Now identify healthy, rational, and reality-based thinking which  will
contribute to the cessation of your need to intimidate the people you
listed.

Seventh: Next, identify new behaviors you can use with the people you  listed
so as to reduce the intimidation they experience from you.

Eighth: Next, identify what you could do to lessen the non-intentional
intimidation factors you have on others such as:  your educational level,
intellect, wealth, career status, physical size, physical attractiveness, your
emotional wellness, religious beliefs, gender and status in the community.

Ninth:  Now you are ready to inform each person in your life whom you  no
longer want to intimidate that you want the real or appearance of your  control,
power, dominance, and coercion over them to cease. You can ask them to
continue to give you feedback and "call you on it'' when you are intimidating 
them.

Tenth: Begin to initiate the non-intimidating behaviors and strategies  which
you identified above.

Eleventh: Monitor the response you are receiving from the people in your
life and continuously solicit feedback from them if they find you  intimidating.

Twelfth:   If people in your life still find you intimidating,  then return
to First step and begin again.


Steps to eliminate intimidating other?

Step 1: In order to cease being intimidating to others, you first need to
assess what you do, how you behave, who you are, and what about you is
intimidating. To do this, use the Intimidating Factors Inventory.

Intimidating Factors Inventory PART 1

Rate the following as to how true they are for you. Circle the number which
correctly identifies you.

1 = Never intimidating

2 = Rarely intimidating

3 = Frequently intimidating

4 = Almost always intimidating

5 = Always intimidating


1  2   3  4  5  ( 1)    My  loud gruff voice

1  2   3  4  5  ( 2)    My  body size

1  2   3  4  5  ( 3)    My  height

1  2   3  4  5  ( 4)    My  sexual identity

1  2   3  4  5  ( 5)    My  physical strength

1  2   3  4  5  ( 6)    My  skin color

1  2   3  4  5  ( 7)    My  highest educational achievement

1  2   3  4  5  ( 8)    The  title of my profession or career

1  2   3  4  5  ( 9)    The  title on my job

1  2   3  4  5     (10)    My salary

1  2   3  4  5     (11)    My financial worth

1  2   3  4  5     (12)    Where I live

1  2   3  4  5     (13)    Status of community in which I live

1  2   3  4  5     (14)    Size of my house

1  2   3  4  5     (15)    The car I drive

1  2   3  4  5     (16)    My IQ

1  2   3  4  5     (17)    The knowledge, skills, and abilities I possess

1  2   3  4  5     (18)    My level of caring for others

1  2   3  4  5     (19)    My openness and honesty

1  2   3  4  5     (20)    My ability to self disclose my weaknesses and
failing

1  2   3  4  5     (21)    My high self-esteem

1  2   3  4  5     (22)    My age

1  2   3  4  5     (23)    My life experience

1  2   3  4  5     (24)    The people I know

1  2   3  4  5     (25)    The group I hang around with

1  2   3  4  5     (26)    My religious beliefs and convictions

1  2   3  4  5     (27)    My social connections

1  2   3  4  5     (28)    The clothes I wear

1  2   3  4  5     (29)    The clubs I belong to

1  2   3  4  5     (30)    My  political beliefs and persuasions

1  2   3  4  5     (31)    When I am angry

1  2   3  4  5     (32)    When I am assertive

1  2   3  4  5     (33)    When I am aggressive

1  2   3  4  5     (34)    When I am threatening others

1  2   3  4  5     (35)    When I am yelling, ranting, and raving

1  2   3  4  5     (36)    When I am emotionally abusive

1  2   3  4  5     (37)    When I am physically abusive

1  2   3  4  5     (38)    When I am sexually abusive

1  2   3  4  5     (39)    When I am verbally abusive

1  2   3  4  5     (40)    When I am lecturing others

1  2   3  4  5     (41)    When I start breaking things

1  2   3  4  5     (42)    When I am warning others of dire consequences

1  2   3  4  5     (43)    When I pull rank on others

1  2   3  4  5     (44)    When I belittle others

1  2   3  4  5     (45)    When I threaten to cut off financial support

1  2   3  4  5     (46)    When I threaten to cut off emotional support

1  2   3  4  5     (47)    When I threaten to cut off physical affection

1  2   3  4  5     (48)    When I threaten to cut off communication

1  2   3  4  5     (49)    When I threaten to reveal the negative truth about
others

1  2   3  4  5     (50)    When I threaten to kill self or others if they
don't do  what I want them to do

Intimidating Factors Inventory PART 2

Rate the following as to how true they are for you. Circle the number which
correctly identifies you.

1 = Never intimidating

2 = Rarely intimidating

3 = Frequently intimidating

4 = Almost always intimidating

5 = Always intimidating

1  2   3  4  5     (51)    When I am sarcastic

1  2   3  4  5     (52)    When I am cynical

1  2   3  4  5     (53)    When I gossip about people

1  2   3  4  5     (54)    When I share secrets others have told me

1  2   3  4  5     (55)    When I get animated, enthusiastic and energized

1  2   3  4  5     (56)    When I want to attain a goal very badly

1  2   3  4  5     (57)    When I become adamant about a point

1  2   3  4  5     (58)    When I act competitive

1  2   3  4  5     (59)    When I raise my voice

1  2   3  4  5     (60)    When I have a temper tantrum

1  2   3  4  5     (61)    When I act "better than thou''

1  2   3  4  5     (62)    When I threaten to reject people

1  2   3  4  5     (63)    When I threaten to take away my approval of people

1  2   3  4  5     (64)    When I have a hard time comprehending how people
could  feel the way they do

1  2   3  4  5     (65)    When I am unforgiving of another

1  2   3  4  5     (66)    When I bring up the hurtful past

1  2   3  4  5     (67)    When I seek out help for myself

1  2   3  4  5     (68)    When I admit our relationship has problems and do
something about it

1  2   3  4  5     (69)    When I begin to change "old sick'' behaviors to
"new  healthier'' behaviors

1  2   3  4  5     (70)    When I ask others to help me be less intimidating
to them

1  2   3  4  5     (71)    When I am happy

1  2   3  4  5     (72)    When I am having fun

1  2   3  4  5     (73)    When I allow my inner child to have fun

1  2   3  4  5     (74)    When I am enjoying life

1  2   3  4  5     (75)    When I act unpredictably

1  2   3  4  5     (76)    Because I was an alcoholic

1  2   3  4  5     (77)    Because I am chronically ill

1  2   3  4  5     (78)    Because I am insecure

1  2   3  4  5     (79)    Because I am shy and stay to myself

1  2   3  4  5     (80)    Because I was a drug addict

1  2   3  4  5     (81)    Because I am terminally ill

1  2   3  4  5     (82)    Because I have cancer or AIDS

1  2   3  4  5     (83)    Because I am physically disabled

1  2   3  4  5     (84)    Because I am mentally disabled

1  2   3  4  5     (85)    Because I am emotionally disabled

1  2   3  4  5     (86)    Because I am learning disabled

1  2   3  4  5     (87)    Because I am obese

1  2   3  4  5     (88)    Because I am physically disfigured

1  2   3  4  5     (89)    Because I am divorced

1  2   3  4  5     (90)    Because I am from a dysfunctional family

1  2   3  4  5     (91)    When I am physically sick

1  2   3  4  5     (92)    When I am exhausted

1  2   3  4  5     (93)    When I feel weak

1  2   3  4  5     (94)    When I complain too much

1  2   3  4  5     (95)    When I want revenge over a real or perceived wrong

1  2   3  4  5     (96)    When I am "cause oriented''

1  2   3  4  5     (97)    When I always try to have the "correct answer''

1  2   3  4  5     (98)    When I am overly solicitous

1  2   3  4  5     (99)    When I am overly sympathetic

1  2   3  4  5     (100)    When I am giving advice

Step 2: Once you have evaluated your intimidating factors, seek input from
others in your life about whether you intimidate them and how you do it. Use
the  Intimidating Factor Inventory to assist them to identify how you intimidate
  them.

Identify the people by the following categories:

Spouse(s) (current and former)

Children (natural and step)

Parents (natural and step)

In-laws (current and former)

Brothers and sisters (natural and step)

Other extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins)

Friends (girlfriends and boyfriends)

School mates

Co-workers on job

Supervisors or bosses or employers

Supervisees or employees

Clients or customers

Neighbors

Acquaintances

Step 3:  Once you have conducted the poll of the people in your life,  then
you can determine the following questions. Answer these in your  journal.

A.  Which category of people do you intimidate the most?

B.  Which people do you intentionally intimidate?

C.  What factors do you use when you set out to intimidate?

D.  Which people do you unintentionally intimidate?

E.   What factors cause others to be intimidated by you when you  in reality
don't set out to intimidate?

F.   What irrational, unhealthy, and non-reality-based thinking  and beliefs
are reasons why you intentionally set out to intimidate people?

G.   How does the intimidation people experience from you  influence the
relationships you have with these people?

H.   Is the nature of the problems any different if the  intimidation is
intentional or not?

I.     What new, healthier, more rational, more  reality-based thinking and
beliefs do you need in order to stop intentionally  intimidating others?

J.    What new behaviors could you develop to cease  intimidating people
either intentionally or not?

Step 4: Now that you have looked at plans to eliminate your intimidation of
others, you need to involve the people you currently intimidate in a plan of
action to "call you on it'' if they feel intimidated in the future by some
factor they perceive in you.

Step 5: Initiate your new thinking and behaving to be less intimidating to
others be it intentional or unintentional.

Step 6: If you get feedback or realize on your own that you still are
intimidating others, then return to Step 1 and begin over again.


Steps to eliminate allowing others to intimidate you?

Step 1:     You need to first recognize if you are  being or have been
intimidated. In your journal, list examples from your past  and present of the
following.

A. When were you intimidated?

B. Who are the people who have in the past or currently do intimidate  you?

C. Review the Intimidating Factors Inventory in this chapter and, for each
person who is an intimidator, identify the factors involved which were or are
intimidating.

D. For each person's intimidating factors, you need to identify if they  were
intentional or non-intentional.

E.  For each person, identify how your being intimidated had or has  affected
your relationship with the person.

F.            For  each person identify the irrational, unhealthy, and
non-reality-based thinking  of yours which has contributed to your allowing this
person's "factors'' to  intimidate you.

Step 2: Once you have determined the extent to which your irrational,
unhealthy, and non-reality-based thinking has contributed to your allowing each 
of
the people in Step 1 to intimidate you, then in your journal do the  following.

A. Identify new, healthy, rational, and realistic beliefs and thinking to
handle and respond to the intimidating factors of the person.

B. Identify new, healthy, assertive, rational, and realistic behaviors you
can now display with this person so as to reflect that you are not as
intimidated as you once were.

C. Identify contingency responses in case the person responds negatively to
your assertive, non-intimidated behaviors.

D. Identify the negative or positive consequences of your new behaviors of
assertion and non-intimidation with each person.

E.  Make a commitment with yourself to accept whatever the consequence  might
be for freeing yourself up from the intentional or non-intentional
intimidation of this person.

Step 3:     Now you are ready to act in a new, less  intimidated way with
each person. As you proceed, use positive self-talk of I  am, I can, and I will
to strengthen your desire to no longer be intimidated.  Some examples are:

I am a good person and deserve better.
Every person is a human being  and I will not need to put people in a
superhuman position over me.
I am  deserving of the power over my own life.
I will take back the power over my  life from people who intimidate me.
No one can or will intimidate me.
Step 4: Monitor your progress at being assertive and non-intimidated with
people. If you fall back into the old way of responding, return to Step 1 and
begin again.







HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

6: Tools for Handling Control Issues

*WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE FURTHER BELOW!


What is helplessness?

Helplessness is the:

Learned behavior by which you have been able to "hook'' people into caring
for and nurturing you.

Attention getting, as a vehicle by which you were able to get your ignoring
or neglecting caretakers in the past to pay attention to you.

Sympathy provoking, by a composite of physical illness, academic problems,
failures, work problems, and relationship troubles which have drawn the
attention, support, and caring for you from other people, places, and things.

Manipulative tool, a vehicle by which you have manipulated people, places,
and things to allow you to remain overdependent on them.

False sense of incompetence, by making others believe that you lack the
competence, intellect, skills, and abilities to handle your own problems.

Fear of success driven, mask behind which you hide your fear of success so
that others are convinced that you can't succeed when in reality you are afraid
  of succeeding.

Lack of self-trust, inability to establish a sense of trust in yourself so
that you can open yourself up to be vulnerable to hurt and failure by taking a
risk to "do for'' yourself rather than to rely on others to "do it'' for you.

Locked into little boy'' or "little girl'' mask which has gained you a lot
of approval in your adult life but it is not a helpful coping mechanism to deal
  with the problematic realities of life.

Refusal to "grow up'' and be an adult because then you would be held
responsible for the outcome of your life which responsibility you desire to 
avoid
for fear of failure.

Mask for the anger and rage you have inside of you for being expected to be
mature, personally responsible, and self-approving in your adult life when in
your child life you feel you were too neglected, ignored, and non-approved
and  now want others to do for you what you need to do for yourself.

Diverting attention, use of humor, entertaining, and mascot behaviors
diverts attention from the need for you to take personal responsibility for your
own life.

Sympathy provoking, acting out in a way which draws others' sympathy and
compassion but in reality is a manipulative ploy to get them to do for you what
you don't want to do for yourself.


What are the negative effects of helplessness?

If you continue to function in a helpless way, then you could experience
these factors in your life:

Treated as disabled, since you could become disabled by other people's
attitude towards you because they do not believe you are capable of doing 
anything
on your own.

Overdependency oriented, since you become overdependent on caretakers to
help you to overcome the negative impact of your problems.

Seen as incompetent, since you convince yourself that you are indeed as
incapable as you project yourself to others.

Fear of success driven, since you fear stepping out on your own, to pursue
anything that you are convinced you are not capable of handling on your own.

Miserable existence and lose your potential to have a happy and content
existence convinced that there are forces in the world always trying to handicap
and keep you down

Impairs self-esteem, and you become convinced that no matter how hard you
try to do things you are never "good enough'' to succeed.

Victim role, and become locked into a "victim'' mold of existence always
needing a "rescuer'' to help you to overcome the negative impact of the negative
"perpetrators'' in your life.

Atrophying skills, since you find that your inherent competencies, skills,
and abilities wither and atrophy from non-use.

Locked in the "yes, but'' attitude whenever you are being presented with
viable alternatives and solutions to your problems so much so that you drive
people away from wanting to help you in the future because of your pessimistic
or fatalistic outlook on your problems and the frustration they experience in
having you reject all of their offers of help, advice, and support.

Found to be a fraud, and figured out by others as a person who doesn't want
to become self-sufficient and independent and it could be recognized that your
  asking for help is simply a ploy to control them to keep them from choosing
to  leave you alone to solve your own problem.

Unappealing to healthy people, because you project an image of being frail,
weak, and non-confident, thus making yourself unappealing to people who desire
  to have a mature adult relationship with you.

"Hook'' "caretakers'' and "fixers'' to take care of you and you could run
through a series of new ones in turn after you have been dropped by
"recovering'' persons who see you for what you are.

Overly depressed and despondent because you run out of people to "take care
of you'' and despair because you are in reality no longer competent to take
care  of yourself.

Low self-esteem becomes more exacerbated as you continue to believe and put
out the myth of being helpless to care for yourself.


How is helplessness a control issue?

Acting helpless is a control issue because you experience these realities:

Looks like other have control over you, by your helpless acting you look as
if you are willing to transfer the "locus of control'' from your hands into
the  hands of others when in reality you are in control of those people who
think  they have this control over you. It is a form of controlling others even
when  they don't believe they are being controlled. (After all, how can a
"helpless''  person be a controller?)

Learned behavior by which you have gained attention and the ability to
control the efforts and energy of others on your behalf.

Mask of helplessness by which you are able to manipulate others to "fix,''
"rescue'' or care for you when in fact you have the resources to do so for
yourself.

Power position whenever you run across an "addicted fixer'' or  "caretaker,''
or "addicted'' rescuer or enabler because you meet their needs and  can
almost dictate the extent to which they can help you to avoid taking  personal
responsibility for your own life.

Mask of powerless, it appears out of control and powerless, when in reality
it is a manipulative ploy to gain power and control over others' thinking,
feeling and actions.

Physically debilitating when you are willing to let go of control over your
physical well-being even if it means you become physically sick to the point
of  chronically ill in order to get people to attend and care for you.

Extremely overcontrolling, when you can resort to intimidation, coercion,  or
suicidal threats and gestures if people are not responsive to your claims of
being helpless.

"Survival'' technique by which you were able to survive by controlling the
environment, situation, people, or things in the past which were a threat to
you  and your existence.

Dramatic ploy which you have learned so well that you can call upon it
whenever you feel you are losing control or power over someone who is 
threatening
to "detach'' from or "let go'' of you.

Self deceiving role, since you can get so lost in the mask and belief of
your helplessness that you no longer take control over your own life and hand
over this power to others in your life.

Sells self short, since you have stopped exercising your right to care for
yourself so much that you are locked into selling yourself short so that you
can  depend on others to take control of your life and needs.


What irrational thinking leads to helplessness?

If I am no longer in need of others help or support, then how will anybody
ever find me appealing enough to be loved and cared for?

There is no way I will ever be able to get myself out of this mess.

How would I know since nobody ever told me?

I don't know how to do what I need to do for myself because I was never
taught this.

I don't have the ability to be supportive of your feelings since I don't
know how I feel nor can I identify my feelings.

How can I be supportive of your feelings when I am so overwhelmed in my own
problems?

If people hadn't abandoned me, then I would have been able to solve these
problems.

People are basically selfish and they don't care about you.

People will only show interest in you when you are sick, in grief, hurting,
or perceived as a failure or loser.

The only time people give me attention is when I'm not capable of helping
myself.

Since no one really cares about me when I'm healthy, then I must only be
worth something when I'm sick or in trouble.

No matter what I do, I'll be abandoned anyway so why should I change?

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, so why should I try?

If they really loved and cared about me, they would do it for me.

I've never been able to do it before so what makes them think I can do it
now?

I'm a weak, frail, human person and people can't expect me to get strong
overnight.

I've only been in my recovery program for such a short time. How can you
expect me to start doing for myself yet?

Don't pressure me to change. I become immobilized under pressure.


How to overcome helplessness

In order for you to reduce your sense of helplessness and to begin to  become
more self-sufficient, competent, and self-confident, you need to try to  do
the following self-help activities.

First: Identify those problems, obstacles, fears, or issues over which you
feel helpless and identify what beliefs keep you locked into being helpless for
  each one.

Second: Develop a new belief system that encourages you to recognize that
being independent, competent, self-confident, and capable of helping, "fixing,''
  and changing yourself is healthy, desirable, and necessary for you.

Third: Learn what "normal'' coping behaviors are from others who are in a
healthier place than yourself.

Fourth: Practice healthy coping, problem-solving, fear-desensitizing, and
conflict-resolving behaviors.

Fifth: Build on your successes at being an independent, free-standing
self-helper, self-coper, and self-healer.

Sixth: Remember that success breeds success and be sure to reinforce
yourself for all of your successes even if they be small ones.

Seventh: Accept that relapse is part of the recovery process and get back
with your program of self-help if you should slip or fall back to your old mold
of helplessness.

Eighth: Call upon your Higher Power to give you the courage, strength, and
persistence necessary to gain self-sufficiency to cope with your life.

Ninth: Give permission to your network of support to "call you on'' any
lapses back into a "helpless'' mode of being.

Tenth: When you get angry about "always having to do it on your own,'' do
anger workouts to ventilate these emotions which are traps waiting to draw you
back into your old attention-seeking, helpless role in life.

Eleventh: Parent your "inner child'' by nurturing and self-loving
self-scripts and allow your "inner child'' to grow to be a healthy adult by 
giving it
the freedom to make a mistake or fail in its attempts at self-help.

Twelfth: Develop a sense of patience to accept that it takes time (an  entire
lifetime) to fully rid yourself of a sense of helplessness since it is  often
such an ingrained, automatic habit of acting, thinking and feeling for  you.

Thirteenth: Let go of your perfectionistic need to be `"healed perfectly''
since it traps you to give up if at first you don't do it exactly right.

Fourteenth: Emotionally detach from all "fixers,'' advice givers, rescuers,
and enablers in your life so as not to fall into their need for you to be
helpless in order for them to relate to you.

Fifteenth: Stop hiding behind all your old excuses, beliefs, and cliches
about why you can't possibly help yourself.

Sixteenth: Have a farewell party or wake for the "old you'' who was wrapped
up in self-pity, self-doubt, and self-abasement.

Seventeenth: Let go of that "old you'' and as in any death grieve all of  the
losses involved in no longer benefiting from the old role of helplessness.

Eighteenth: Embrace the "new you'' who is more self-competent,  self-helping,
self-healing, self-respecting, self-confident, and self-enhancing  and
recognize all of the healthy, normal, natural, beneficial consequences of 
living
your life in this way.


Steps to overcoming helplessness

Step 1: You first need to identify in your journal the  following.

A. With whom do you usually function as a "helpless'' person?

B. What are the issues involved with you and these people over which you  are
helpless?

C. How would you define each of these people? Who are the fixers? The
rescuers? The advice givers? The enablers? The caretakers? The gurus? The
professional helpers upon whom you have become emotionally  dependent?

D. What irrational, unhealthy beliefs keep you in your role of helplessness
with each of these people and in each of the "helpless to overcome'' issues in
  your life?

E. Identify why it is so difficult for you to accept personal  responsibility
for helping yourself to overcome each of the problems, fears,  issues, and
conflicts over which you currently feel helpless.

F. Identify the benefits to you of taking personal responsibility for
helping yourself on your own and under your own power and control.

G. Identify the negative effects for you of remaining helpless as you face
your current problems, fears, conflicts and issues.

H. Identify why your efforts in the past to overcome your sense of
helplessness failed. What did you lose in your life when you became more capable
of
helping yourself?

I. What are the benefits for you in remaining helpless in your current
problems, fears, issues, and conflicts?

J. Identify which of your current relationships are based on your feeling
helpless in it. How would these relationships change once you ceased acting,
thinking, and feeling helpless? How does the potential change in your current
relationships keep you "hooked'' into remaining helpless?

Step 2: Once you have thoroughly assessed the state of your sense of
helplessness, then you need to identify what you need in order to grow in the 
skills
of self-coping, self-help and self-healing. To do this respond to the
following.

Self-Help Skills and Behaviors Inventory
Directions:  In order to  help yourself grow into a more self-sufficient,
self-nurturing, self-healing,  and self-confident person, you need more of the
following self-help skills. Rate  each skill on a four point scale.

0 = don't need more of since this skill you have plenty of and practice it
most of the time.

1 = need a little more than you currently have since you are aware of the
skill and at times practice it but you could benefit from more training and
practice in it.

2 = need a great deal more than you currently have since you have a sketchy
understanding of it and on a rare occasion have even tried it.

3 = an overwhelming need to learn about it to alter your feelings about it
and to put it into practice since you have only heard of it and know nothing
about it and have never practiced it in your life.

0 1 2 3 (1) To honestly identify my feelings

0 1 2 3 (2) To identify other people's feelings

0 1 2 3 (3) To communicate openly and honestly

0 1 2 3 (4) To effectively listen to others

0 1 2 3 (5) To respond to others reflecting that I understand how they feel

0 1 2 3 (6) To problem solve with others issues which arise in  relationships

0 1 2 3 (7) To identify my thinking which is unhealthy or irrational and to
develop alternative, more healthy thinking to overcome these beliefs which
block  my personal growth

0 1 2 3 (8) To affirm myself for all of my personal skills, abilities,
talents, competencies and other positive attributes

0 1 2 3 (9) To eliminate guilt as a major motivator for my personal  behavior

0 1 2 3 (10) To maintain trust in myself to be there for me when I need me
to be

0 1 2 3 (11) To overcome my sense of insecurity

0 1 2 3 (12) To allow myself to become vulnerable to the hurt and pain of
failure, mistakes, and loss in order to grow

0 1 2 3 (13) To take risks in life

0 1 2 3 (14) To nurture my "inner child'' in healthy ways

0 1 2 3 (15) To desensitize and overcome my fears

0 1 2 3 (16) To overcome my fear of failure

0 1 2 3 (17) To overcome my fear of success

0 1 2 3 (18) To reduce or eliminate my perfectionism

0 1 2 3 (19) To overcome my human pride, by accepting that there is nothing
I can't accomplish as long as I have my Higher Power with me as my partner in
life

0 1 2 3 (20) To practice patience by accepting that recovery is a life-long
process

0 1 2 3 (21) To grow in a deepening and maturing spirituality with an
emerging personal relationship with my Higher Power

0 1 2 3 (22) To continuously accept personal responsibility for my own
thoughts, feelings, and actions and not put the blame on others

0 1 2 3 (23) To handle the stress and anxiety in my life through relaxation
and self-healing activities

0 1 2 3 (24) To take care of my own physical health through proper
nutrition, sleep, exercise, etc.

0 1 2 3 (25) To not use procrastination but rather utilize healthy time
management techniques

0 1 2 3 (26) To take the steps to prevent burnout in my life

0 1 2 3 (27) To have a place, time, and people in my life with whom to have
fun and enjoy myself

0 1 2 3 (28) To resolve conflicts, disagreements, and fights with others in
a "win-win'' resolution

0 1 2 3 (29) To overcome my fear of rejection

0 1 2 3 (30) To reduce my need for approval from others

0 = don't need more

1 = need a little more

2 = need a great deal more

3 = an overwhelming need

0 1 2 3 (31) To practice healthy, assertive behaviors in all of my
relationships

0 1 2 3 (32) To eliminate the need to play "sick,'' "victim,'' or "martyr''
roles in my life

0 1 2 3 (33) To reduce competition in my interpersonal relationships

0 1 2 3 (34) To have healthy intimacy with others

0 1 2 3 (35) To set goals with the others with whom I have relationships

0 1 2 3 (36) To recognize when my relationships are based on reality rather
than on fantasy or a dream of the way it could be

0 1 2 3 (37) To use forgiveness and forgetting in overcoming hurts in
relationships

0 1 2 3 (38) To establish a healing environment with others when needed

0 1 2 3 (39) To help others recognize when they need help

0 1 2 3 (40) To recognize and accept the reality of losses in my life

0 1 2 3 (41) To reduce denial mechanisms from blocking my need to change

0 1 2 3 (42) To cease bargaining in my need to change

0 1 2 3 (43) To let go of the past and get on with the present

0 1 2 3 (44) To face and accept death as a reality of life

0 1 2 3 (45) To work my anger out in a healthy way

0 1 2 3 (46) To overcome depression

0 1 2 3 (47) To rid myself of hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism

0 1 2 3 (48) To overcome pessimism and negativity

0 1 2 3 (49) To work out my resentment

0 1 2 3 (50) To stop jumping to negative assumptions

0 1 2 3 (51) To not stuff my anger in silent withdrawal

0 1 2 3 (52) To eliminate revenge as an unhealthy motivator

0 1 2 3 (53) To eliminate any rageful behaviors

0 1 2 3 (54) To reduce or stop self-destructive behaviors

0 1 2 3 (55) To overcome any irritations

0 1 2 3 (56) To eliminate passive aggressiveness

0 1 2 3 (57) To handle angry confrontations in a healthy way

0 1 2 3 (58) To emotionally detach from the toxic relationships in my life

0 1 2 3 (59) To not manipulate others to do for me what I can do for myself

0 1 2 3 (60) To give and accept healthy emotional support in my efforts at
personal growth

___  TOTAL RATING

RATING INTERPRETATION

0 - 60 Good self-helper. You have enough skills and behaviors to assist you
to overcome the sense of helplessness in your life.

61 - 120 Fair self-helper. You have a need to learn more about normal
self-help skills and behaviors if you are to successfully overcome the sense of
helplessness in your recovery process.

121 or higher Poor self-helper. You are in great need of training in the
Tools for Coping which will assist you to know, feel, and act in a more normal
way and grow in self-esteem and gain self-confidence, self-respect and
self-healing so as to overcome the sense of helplessness in your life.

For further work on each of these self-help skills and behaviors, review  the
Tools for Coping Series books by James J. Messina, Ph.D. The following items
are found in the specific books of the series:

Item number

1-6     Tools for Communication

7-27   Tools for Personal Growth

28-39 Tools for Relationships

40-44  Tools for Handling Loss

45-57  Tools for Anger WorkBOut

58-60  Tools for Handling Control Issues

Step 3: Once you have determined the degree to which you are a self-helper,
then you need to work at acquiring or increasing the self-help skills in which
  you are currently deficient. This can be done by utilizing all the Tools for
  Coping Series books written by James J. Messina, Ph.D. available on
_www.coping.org_ (http://www.coping.org/)   and through participation in the
Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous Program (The  SEA's Program) or some other form of
support group or group therapy conducted by  a counselor or therapist.

Step 4:   As you grow in self-help skills, redefine yourself as a  person in
recovery from low self-esteem and a sense of helplessness. Utilize all  of the
tips to overcoming helplessness contained in this chapter.

Step 5:   If, after an exhaustive effort at self-growth and  self-healing,
you still feel helpless, then return to this chapter, re-read it,  and begin
Step 1 over again.


What is suicide?

Unsuccessful suicidal gestures, thoughts, or threats are often a:

Cry for help to get people to attend to the problems which you are  currently
experiencing.

Manipulative action to keep others from changing their styles of  interacting
with you.

Sign of the severe depression and repressed anger that you are  experiencing.

Habit you develop early on which has had a great deal of success in getting
you attention.

Mask to hide behind to scare people away from getting too close or attached
to you.

Desire to have others treating you the way you have been treated in the  past
with aloofness, distance, and coldness.

Way to test other people's loyalty, sincerity, interest, caring, love, and
concern for you.

Way by which you exercise control over others.

If you are successful in committing suicide, you will have committed:

An extremely self-centered and selfish act which will hurt and emotionally
scar the people you leave behind.

An act of cowardice due to your lack of willingness to accept life the way
it really is.

An enormous "get back'' or act of revenge which will no doubt leave the
survivors with intense guilt, self-doubt, anger, bitterness, rage, and emotional
trauma.

A useless act which terminates your life in that one moment of despair when
in fact your future potential holds out hope for years of coping successfully
with life as it really is.

The ultimate "cop out'' from having to work hard to gain a sense of  personal
mastery and contentment in your life.

Cowardly action with no redeeming social merits or benefits.

Your last effort to control people in your life.


What are the negative effects of suicide?

The negative effects of your suicidal attempts, gestures, and thoughts are
that you:

Initially gain the attention of others and, if that is where it stops, then
you are driven to continue seeking their attention in a spiral of increased
suicidal type behaviors, feelings, and thoughts.

Can become "stuck in a rut'' of threats to control others to be there for
you and have this be the only reason they stay.

Can get caught up in emotionally blackmailing others in order to keep them
loving, caring, and supporting you out of "fear'' that if they stop you will
kill yourself.

Run the risk that people will no longer allow you to "control'' and keep
them in check in this way and they might give you an ultimatum to cease and
desist such actions, thoughts, and attempts or else they will have nothing more
to do with you.

Begin to devalue the meaning of life so much so that you begin to take
increasingly more dangerous risks in your actions and accidentally kill 
yourself.

Can get so caught up in the here and now despair and depression that you
blind yourself to a rational perspective of hope that you can make it through to
the future intact.

Could get lazy and resort to this easy answer every time any problem or
inconvenience comes up in your life.

Could get stuck in blaming other persons, places, and things for your
problems and not accept personal responsibility for your own actions.

Could become a coward and eventually give in to your thoughts and gestures
and rationalize that a quick solution is better than the long term work needed
to have a fulfilling life.

Will experience lowered self-esteem since you will be valuing your life  less
and less if these behaviors persist.

The negative effects of successfully committing suicide are that you:

Have left a disaster for someone else to clean up and take care of.

Leave a number of people hating, resentful, and angry at your selfish
action.

Never get a chance to find out if life could be better for you in the
future.

May have done so accidentally and this is one act you can't take back to  try
over.

Do not allow people to have memories of you without the overshadowing and
painful visions of the way your life ended.

Might have thought it took courage to take your life but those you leave
behind will know differently in that you were extremely sick, emotionally
disturbed, and probably insane to have gone so far.

Will have left a mess for others to clean up which is an ultimate get back
but also a sick act of revenge.

Leave behind survivors who may need years of psychotherapeutic help to
regain emotional well-being to overcome the impact of your suicide.

Might saddle your survivors with intense guilt, self-doubt, and
self-recrimination with the belief that they could have done something to stop 
you.

Might leave survivors who believe that since you committed suicide that  they
are also destined to do so themselves in the future.

Might spark the imagination of a survivor who sees how much attention your
suicide is getting and wants similar attention so goes out and commits a
copy-cat suicide for the sick need of sharing the spotlight and getting the same
quick solution as you did.

Might influence others who are sitting on the fence to go ahead with their
suicides since someone else has succeeded in ending it all. This is the most
perverse form of trend setting you can get involved with.


How is suicide a control issue?

Suicidal attempts and gestures are control issues because they are often:

Attempts to put the "locus of control'' of other people into your hands.

Efforts to manipulate others to keep them under your control to act,
believe, or behave in a way you need or want them to in order to feel good about
yourself.

"Power tactics'' to intimidate, threaten, or coerce others to fall into  line
with what you want from them.

Intended to make others feel powerless in the face of your apparent
willingness and driven to risk such a powerful act.

A means not to allow others to gain detachment from you.

! A means not to allow others to let go of you as an uncontrollable or
unchangeable in their lives.

! Hooks by which you draw others into your life to be your rescuer, fixer,
or caretaker.

! our desperate attempt to demonstrate your helplessness and powerlessness
in the face of your problems and troubles.

! A vehicle of gaining your survival and escape from an emotional or
physically life threatening situation.

A successful suicide is a control issue because it often:

Puts the "locus of control'' for other people into the hands of the  suicidal
victim.

Hooks others from your grave to feel guilt or remorse for not doing enough
for you to fix, care for, or cure you.

Is an indication of the extent to which you would fall into the trap of  your
helplessness.

Is a result of your inability to let go of the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in your life.

Is the ultimate failure for fixers or caretakers to have happen to a person
they were helping.

Is a result of the inability to accept life as being less than ideal and
less than perfect.

Is the ultimate and last lack of self-control in your life.


What irrational thinking leads you to consider or to commit  suicide?

There is too much for me to change in my life for me to become happy.

I am too overwhelmed by all of my problems and I can see no way out.

No one really cares about me anyway so no one will miss me when I'm gone.

I'll show them for rejecting, ignoring, and not wanting me.

No matter how hard I try, I never seem to succeed.

Everybody hates me, nobody likes me so I'm going to end it all.

I can't face this mess I've made.

I could never face others if they ever found out the truth about me.

My whole life has been full of pain and hurt and I'm tired of hurting so
much.

People won't blame me for solving their problem which seems to be me.

My life has no meaning, no value, no purpose, no direction, and no sense,  so
why go on?

Everyone has abandoned me, including God.

I'm so unhappy, what's the use?

I am so angry and upset that I'd rather die than go on to work it out.

I'll teach them for treating me this way.

No one has ever loved me, approved of me, or accepted me so why go on?

I'm only a "shell'' of a person with nothing left to give others.

I'm in too much pain and agony to go on.

I'd rather die than face the future.

I'd rather quit than go on.

Every attempt I make to get out of this hole ends in failure for me so why
continue trying?

There's no way I'll ever be happy in this lifetime.

Suicide is an act of courage and it takes great strength to do  it.

I see no reason for continuing to live.

They'll be sorry when I'm gone.

I hate all of them so much that this will show them and put them in their
place.

The rejection I feel right now is so painful that unless that person comes
back into my life I am going to end it.

I feel so hopeless and see no way out of it.


How can you overcome hopelessness which leads to suicidal  ideation

In order to overcome a sense of hopelessness you need to:

First: Reach out to others for support to help you follow through on the
rest of these steps.

Second: Identify what you feel hopeless about.

Third: You then need to identify what distorted, irrational, or unhealthy
thinking is at the root of what is making you feel hopeless.

Fourth: Then you need to develop new healthier, more rational ways of
thinking about these things.

Fifth: You then need to identify what distorted, irrational, or unhealthy
feelings are blocking your acceptance of these new healthier, more rational
beliefs and keeping you from being more hopeful.

Sixth: You need to emotionally release all of your blocking feelings  through
anger workout, despair, and letting go exercises and inner child healing
work.

Seventh: Once you have vented anger, cried out your despair, and opened  your
inner self to experience feelings more freely, you then need to make a  place
in your life for a Higher Power. This is the God of your belief system.  You
need to turn to your Higher Power and seek strength, wisdom, and light from
your belief. This is the power greater than you to whom you can turn over your
unchangeables and uncontrollables. This Higher Power can give you the
patience,  calmness, and strength to accept reality as it is today for you. As
the
words in  this poem imply, you won't be able to experience the role of your
Higher Power  in your life unless you allow it to happen.

Broken Dreams

Anonymous

As children bring their broken toys

With tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God

Because He was my friend.

But instead of leaving Him

In peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help

With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,

"How can You be so slow?''

"My child,'' He said, "What could I do?

You never let them go.''


Eighth: Once you begin to allow yourself to rely on your Higher Power for
the strength to "let go'' of your pain, hurt, depression, anger, despair, sense
of abandonment, sense of being overwhelmed and alone, then you need to begin
to  take control of your actions and behaviors and start all over again to
attempt  to find a sense and order in your life which gives you meaning and a
hope to  continue on in life.

Ninth: You then need as you "go on'' to focus efforts on breaking down your
current problems into smaller workable components which have a greater
probability of immediate success. Some examples of success breeders are:

Live one day at a time without focusing on the overwhelming prospects of  the
future.

Enjoy your "gift of life'' each day and without taking it for granted,  since
you don't know the day or time when indeed you will die.

Use self-affirmations of your value and worth and work at "falling in  love''
with yourself on a daily basis.

Refocus on yourself as the major source of help to get you out of your
current pain rather than looking for others' help to rescue or to fix you.

Empower yourself with the belief that there is nothing you can't overcome
here on earth with the help and assistance of your Higher Power.

Recognize that, no matter how great the physical, emotional or psychic pain
you are going through right now, there is an end to it down the road as long
as  you continue to work at honestly accepting the reality of life as it really
is  rather than how you want it to be.

Recognize that rather than solving all of your problems at once you can  make
greater progress by solving each problem one at a time at a slow and steady
pace. Since it took a lifetime to get you here, it will take the rest of your
life to get you out.

Allow yourself to be human and open yourself to accept any further  failures,
mistakes, or slow progress in your efforts to solve your problems.

Accept that "relapse'' is a fact of life in recovery and do not get down on
yourself if you should experience any reversal or set back.

Commit yourself not to quit as you proceed in your efforts to turn your  life
around.

Tenth:   As you become more "hopeful'' about yourself and your  prospects of
"going on,'' reward yourself for your progress and recognize the  "success''
you have achieved to that point. It is important for you to recognize  your
growth and to enjoy the benefits that come with it. Remember success breeds
success so reinforce yourself for each incremental step to overcoming
hopelessness and in so doing you will become more hopeful on a daily  basis.

Eleventh: Recognize as you increase in hopefulness that control for your
life rests in you and your relationship with your Higher Power so don't neglect
yourself or your Higher Power and take time to relax and have fun as well as
give time to your Higher Power through prayer and meditation.

Twelfth:   If you should fall prey to a period of hopelessness  again, return
to Step 1 and begin again.


Steps to handling suicidal thoughts, gestures and attempts

In order to handle suicidal thoughts, gestures, or attempts, you need to
take the following steps.

Step 1: In order to take care of any current or future suicidal thoughts,
gestures, or attempts, you first must become reconciled about any past such
actions in your life. In your journal answer the following  questions.

A. Have you ever considered any suicidal thoughts or gestures, or have you
ever attempted suicide? If yes, then list each time in your past  you:

Considered or thought about suicide.

Made a gesture of a suicidal nature.

Attempted suicide.

B. For each time listed identify the following:

What was going on in your life?

What problems were you dealing with?

Why did you feel hopeless or overwhelmed by these problems?

What irrational or unhealthy beliefs were behind your suicidal thoughts?

Who were you trying to control at that time?

How successful were you in controlling them by your suicidal thoughts,
gestures, or attempts?

How did these problems resolve themselves?

Were you fixed or rescued or did you help yourself to get out of this
suicidal moment?

What did you learn from this experience?

How helpful was this experience to your personal growth?

C. After taking each suicidal event separately, can you see how you used
suicide in your past? How big of a control issue was suicide for you in the
past? How did other self-destructive behaviors fit into your suicidal way of
thinking, feeling, or acting in the past?

Step 2: Once you have analyzed your past use of suicidal thoughts,  gestures,
and attempts, you are now ready to analyze any present use of suicidal
thoughts, gestures, or attempts. To do so, answer the following questions in 
your
journal.

A. Are you currently considering any suicidal thoughts, gestures, or
attempts? If yes, then proceed to answer the following questions. If no, then 
keep
these questions ready in case you should ever become suicidal in the  future.

B. What suicidal thoughts, gestures, or actions are you currently engaging
in?

C. How lethal are these suicidal thoughts, gestures, or actions? To figure
out how lethal, answer the following.

___ yes ___ no (1) Do you have a means of suicide in mind?

___ yes ___ no (2) Is this means of suicide readily available to you at  this
time?

___ yes ___ no (3) Is this an effective way to kill yourself?

___ yes ___ no (4) Have you ever used this means before to attempt suicide
in the past?

___ yes ___ no (5) Are you ready to use this means of suicide at this  time?


___ yes ___ no (6) Is nobody living with you at this time who can take
control of this means of killing yourself?

If you answered "yes'' to all six items then you are very lethal and need
immediate help. Call a suicide and crisis hotline or call your therapist or
better yet ask the police or emergency medical squad to take you to a hospital
where you can get immediate medical assistance

If you have answered "yes'' to items (1), (2), (3), (4), and "no'' to (5)
and "yes'' or "no'' to (6), then you need to contact your therapist and continue
  to work on the following issues with the therapist.

If you have answered "yes'' to (1) and "yes'' or "no'' to (2), and (3), and
"no'' to (4) and (5), and "yes'' or "no'' to (6), then you can continue to
Step  3 to answer the following questions on your own in your journal.

Step 3: Answer the following:

A. What is currently going wrong in your life that makes you  suicidal?

B. What are the specific problems involved? Are these problems (a)
individual or relationship oriented? (b) at work, home or in the community? (c)
financial, emotional, physical health, sexual, criminal, legal, marital, moral 
or
age related?

C. Are these problems old chronic problems or newly arisen situational
problems?

D. Why do you feel hopeless and/or overwhelmed by these  problems?

E. attempts have you taken to overcome or rectify these  problems?

F. What irrational or unhealthy beliefs or thinking lead to your sense of
being overwhelmed or hopeless as you deal with these problems?

G. Whom do you blame for these problems?

H. Whom do you want to control in order to get them to help you out, to
rescue you and to fix these problems for you?

I. How will suicide correct these problems?

J. How will your suicide control the people you blame and the people whom
you want to fix these problems for you?

K. How will your suicide affect the people you love?

L. What do you need to do to begin to correct or resolve these  problems?

What do you need to do for yourself?

What do you need to do with others?

What things do you need to change?

What places do you need to go to in order to handle and correct these
problems?

M. What can you do today to take the first step at correcting these  problems?

N. What can you do today to increase your sense of being hopeful to change
and grow in order to handle your problems?

O. Who can you call upon to help support you in your efforts to change and
cope with these problems?

Step 4: As you begin to cope with problems in your life which have made you
feel suicidal, remember to call upon your Higher Power to help you to grow
more  hopeful so as to be successful in the process.

Step 5: If you should slip back into feeling suicidal, then return to Step  1
and begin again.


Example of Feedback from Reader

Note: Here is a real life sample of the type of response this article gets
from people who are contemplating suicide. What follows is my response to this
particular example. Jim Messina

I recently googled "how to SUCCESSFULLY kill yourself" a few times this  week
and your site is just making me cringe too much to not say  something....

well, my day has arrived, Sunday, any month, any date that I actually have
to go through with this and make sure it works this time....I'm not scared as
one would think of everything I'll miss....I'm scared at the prospect of
'missing' it and thus being in a state of not complete "deadness" or nothingness
and so also being at just another level of hating everything and wanting
nothingness....what if there is something else, what if you don't just
end....cease to exist in every realm, every way, everything....what if what if 
what
if.....thoughts abounding enough to keep one alive and going for a bit, or
enough, ironically, to contribute to more madness and insanity....anyways,
speaking from much experience I highly KNOW you would benefit if you could 
actually
read this and GET it, I don't know if that's gonna happen  though....good luck
in changing some views of yours and psychology in  general....maybe saving a
few suicidal people, even, who knows, hey?

Sounds like you really know what you are talking about. you should be
fucking embarrassed and ashamed of the writing on your website at coping.org.
how outdated and religiously-cult-like-based sounding can you get? selfish??
SELFISH??????? you FUCKING MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! do you know the agony of
putting close ones through your depression when you know you can't or won't go
get help yourself, so they are forced to watch you deteriorate? yeah I think
sticking around that way is MUCH more unselfish than getting yourself out of
their lives completely. calling suicide "selfish" or unloving is actually one of
  the SADDEST most pathetic things you can do, doctor ph-fucking-d, it shows
just  how little you understand the point of view of the person carrying out
the act.  sure it's selfish to the people left behind, but the agony and
in-the-moment-energy-of-pain you are experiencing day after day that causes one 
to
go through with this, is not usually intended to hurt others, quite the
reverse in fact....and in that moment you know only you need to end any more
moments, it's not self-centered, you close-minded man, it's the only option
available when you don't care about life anymore, much less the prospect of 
"help"
or getting better, and you don't have the energy to do that or desire to
morph into a new human, since this is all you know, and to say "failed attempts"
or the stereotypical "cry for help"?! uhhhhh.....what if it's actually a
suicide  that just didn't work?? someone came home earlier than expected, your
body
  started to vomit up the poison, you didn't take enough cuz you didn't
know...all  you fucking doctors and therapists and your "cries for
attention"....until you  stop deducing suicide to these simplistic nineteen
fifties terms and
explanations, the numbers of them will continue to rise and you'll never start
  to help these humans in utter pain. STOP THINKING AS THE PERSON ON THE
OUTSIDE,  THE MEMBER LEFT OVER, YOU'LL NEVER START TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND IT.

it's like you psychologists and psychiatrists and everyone in the field
don't ACTUALLY want to help (well I mean obviously you don't, this is your job,
you fucking get PAID to pretend you care, you get money to listen to and
analyze  other people's problems, turn them into "self-help books" and trivial
genres-problems)....but it's like you'll stick to these "reasons" of why people
commit suicide and "self-centered" outlook of it, when that's about as far off
as you can get, but if you keep saying that, enough people will continue to
need  "therapy" and you'll all still be employable, in fact it's likely one of
the  fastest growing needs people tell themselves they need, hey?
manipulativeness  must be in all the advanced psych classes.....some brain waves
don't
work on the  same standard level that has been unendingly relayed to society of
what is good  and bad....in the instance of fucking needing yourself to DIE, I
would say this  applies....you're not able to point and say "bad" and then
show the next slide  as some young boy helping an old lady with her grocery bags
and say "good". and  finally ending the focus that has encompassed your life
of self-analyzing and  hate and critiquing everything and your un-balanced mind
and fucked up  involuntary behaviors showing themselves again and again to
people that care  about you or you showed some other part that must be extremely
small, but they  liked, and now you are close enough to them, you have to
show them this TRUE  part and plague them with that....ENDING that is not about
a
cry for help, some  self-absorbed me me me cry....it's just wanting it to
end, stop, not wanting to  hurt others anymore, it's not fair to them for you to
be alive, they don't  deserve your pathetic nature in their lives. I have to
stop this now, cuz I'm  really really really tired, like REALLY tired of
everything...and my eyes are  all raw and dry and can't even look at this screen
anymore. and well, either you  get what I'm trying to nail into your head or you
don't and I should stop, so  yeah, bye. your site should be taken down, if you
have ANY respect for the  people you are trying to "help" or desire to
actually do so. I'm sure your a  nice person and all...so yeah, um, good luck
with
life and everything. take  care. see you in some realm or other sometime maybe.
my name is John Smith from  somewhere in the world, call that name out and
I'll come over and show you the  ropes in whatever is after this "earth"
thing....

Sincerely (seriously), John


Note: Here is my response to John. Jim Messina

John,

Clearly your anger and despair are great or you are full of shit! If this  is
a joke and you have nothing better to do with your time, your sense of humor
is sick. If this is indeed your announcement of intention to end it all, you
do  reflect the selfishness and self-absorption I talk about. You say you care
about  freeing others from your pathetic life and yet you will burden them
with the  guilt, shame, despair, emptiness, confusion, and pain of you taking
your life  and leaving them to pick up all the pieces. Having worked with
survivors of  suicides of loved one for over 30 thirty years I am telling you
YOU
ARE SELFISH,  you take the EASY WAY out with killing yourself instead of taking
the harder  road of turning your life around. You choose to believe that
everyone in the  helping profession is just there to get paid. WELL in case you
didn't notice,  you were on a FREE site with free tools for people to utilize so
that they can  turn their lives around. You are talking to an INSANE helper
who helps others  due to love for the human race and not for the financial gain
he can receive. SO  take your anger, your accusations, your blaming others,
your invectives, and  your self-centeredness to the nearest crisis center and
get yourself HELP. You  need to figure out the TRUTH about your life. You are
stuck in self-pity,  impossibility thinking, and the belief that there is no way
to turn it around.  You need hard hitting truth telling help that gets your
attention like my site  did last night. You need to face reality and not run
away from it. You need to  use your obvious talents and abilities to make your
life an enriched successful  witness to the goodness that lies within you. You
have the ability to do things  you want in this life, you just need to do it.
GET HELP, Get yourself help  immediately and move on to a new more successful
you.

Sincerely

Jim Messina

Note: If you intend to respond to this article on suicide like John did,  you
can expect a similar response to the one that I sent John. Fortunately John
let me know where he lived and I had the authorities in his community pick him
  up and provide him the emotional supportive help he greatly needed. Jim
Messina






HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

There is a difference between 'abuser' control and 'target' (codependent)
control. I will post articles on both. This is in reference to abuser  control:

CONTROLLING HIM...

HOW FEMALE ABUSERS CONTROL MEN:

CONTROLLING HIS MATERIAL RESOURCES: The verbal abuser may control her
partner's material resources by withholding financial information, spending HIS
money behind his back without his knowledge/consent (running up credit card
bills in his name), guilting him into supporting her ("I am too (fill in  the
blank) to work,"), as well as refusing to get a job. If she does work,  she
gives
no thought to withholding her entire paycheck, spending her "own  money," and
couldn't careless what her control and selfishness is doing to her  husband
and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately  to
support themselves while SHE feels in control and free!


CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser  uses body
language to control her partner, just as she uses words. The words and  gestures
often go together. This can be seen as using HERSELF to control  her partner.
Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of  controlling that are
forms of withholding and abusive anger:

Sulking
Nagging
Complaining
Pressuring
Guilting
Stomping  out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give him  something
Scratching, spitting, hitting, or kicking something
Refusing to  make eye contact
Driving recklessly
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed,  head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection or sex as  punishment when she doesn't
get her way
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep  sighs, inappropriate sounds
Strutting and posturing



CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HIS REALITY: This form of control is very
oppressive. When she tells her partner what reality is, she is playing God, she 
is
discounting the partner's experience by defining "THE TRUTH" - which in fact  is
only HER truth or a LIE. Some examples: "That's not what you said," or  "That's
not what I said," or "That's not what you did," or "That's not what I  did,"
or "That's not what happened," or "That's not what you saw," or "That's  not
what you felt," or "That's not why you did it," and "I know you better than
you know yourself!"


CONTROLLING BY MAKING HIM RESPONSIBLE: By telling her partner he is
responsible for her behavior, the verbal abuser attempts to avoid all 
responsibility
for her own behavior. In other words, she avoids accountability  by BLAMING.
Examples include:

I did it because you...
You didn't remind me.
You just don't see what  I do.
Just show me how.
Set a good example.


CONTROLLING BY GENDER BIAS/DOUBLE STANDARDS/ASSIGNING STATUS: Putting  him
up, praising, or thanking him for trivial or superficial things (the gifts  he
gives her) and ignoring or criticizing the big things he does (the  fact that
he's a great father), which demeans his talents, time, and energy.  Implying he
is best suited to do trivial or demeaning tasks (like taking out the  trash,
cleaning the car, trimming the hedges, etc.).

This category also includes gender biased statements and double standards
such as: "That's right! You're a MAN! (said with disgust). You are SUPPOSED to
take out the trash!" and "It's the MAN'S duty to support the woman
financially!" and "Everyone knows WOMEN are smarter than men! If I can't do 
that, what
makes you think YOU can do that?" and "You don't have the  right to withhold
emotional intimacy/affection from me because THAT  is abusive! But if I
withhold these from you it's MY prerogative  because I am a WOMAN!"


CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING HER PARTNER:

Belittling
Laughing at or smirking
Offensive jokes
Mimicking her  partner
Patronizing
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of  voice
Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you! Nah-nah!"
Avoiding eye contact,  turning away
Expecting partner to talk to her while he's watching TV,  reading, game
playing
Words like "Sooo" or "So what!" or "That means NOTHING  to me" or "Whatever"
Baffle gabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or  baffle her partner
Insulting her partner
Making inappropriate  sounds
Making inappropriate facial expressions - rolled eyes, grimaces, deep  sighs
Starting a sentence then stating, "Forget it.."
Accusing him of  being "controlling" and "having to have the last word"


CONTROLLING behaviors such as those above are used by verbal abusers to  gain
feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in her
own life start to "seep out" - terrified of not being in control, terrified of
"feeling," terrified of him leaving (or wanting him to leave but afraid of
being  alone).


ARE YOU AN ABUSER:

Do you have the courage to see yourself as others see you - as your
boyfriend, husband, and children see you? Do you have the courage to be honest 
with
yourself? If you have seen or heard yourself in the paragraphs above RUN,
don't walk, to get help. Suggested are the following steps:

Read everything you can about verbal abuse - several times over.
Listen  to your partner with an open, accepting mind and feel your pain
without  attacking, blaming, or shutting down in anger or withdrawal.
Make a list of  everything you've ever done that was abusive - ask your
partner to review the  list.
Ask your partner to remind you every time you say or do something  abusive.
Become aware of the effects of verbal abuse on the partner - read  about
men's experiences, pain, torment, doubt, fear, loss of spirit and self,  etc.
Get into a women's group (a domestic violence women's group) to help  root
out the controlling behaviors, anger, and pain.
STOP controlling.
Start feeling your pain.

You must want to change more than you want to control. No one can make you
change. But wouldn't you like to know what a REAL relationship is with your
partner and your children?  Don't you want to be free of the pain of your  life?
  IT IS WORTH IT!




HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

1: Tools for Handling Control Issues

Goals of Tools for Handling Control Issues

In the next fifteen chapters you will be exploring the various forms of
control of other people, places and things you may be currently involved in. You
will be given an overview of what the control issue is, why it is a control
issue, the negative results of using this control technique, and how to handle
or eliminate this technique from your behavioral repertoire so that you can
grow  in personal self-esteem, accepting personal responsibility for your own
life and  growing in personal self-control of your thinking, emotions, and
actions.

An important message in this book is that the more you let go of the  control
over the people, places, and things in your life, the more control in  your
personal life you will gain. In order to let go of control over others, you
must first be convinced that they are the uncontrollables and unchangeables in
your life and that the only one you can control and change is yourself.

Control issues impact your relationships with others and for this reason  the
Tools for Relationships is a companion to this material. Since letting go of
control results in loss and negative emotions, the Tools for Handling Loss
and  Tools for Anger Work-out are essential cohorts of this material. In order
to  transmit to others a change in the level of your control in their lives,
you may  also need the Tools for Communications. You cannot pursue letting go of
control  over others unless you are fully committed to your growth in
self-esteem. The  Tools for Personal Growth is an important companion to this
work.
Finally, to  better understand why you have a need for control over others, you
need to  explore the dysfunctional background in your life as discussed in
Laying the  Foundation.

In order to let go of control over others, you need the support of others
and a program of recovery with a lifestyle which supports this recovery. The
Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous B The SEA's Book provides for you a twelve step
approach to succeed in growing in self-esteem and thus letting go of control
over others.

The Tools for Handling Control Issues was the last book written in the
original eight book Tools For Coping Series and, for this reason, it is a
synthesis of all the concepts and principles contained in the other seven books 
(The
SEA's Book, Laying the Foundation, Tools for Handling Loss, Tools for
Personal Growth, Tools for Relationships, Tools for Communication, Tools for 
Anger
Work-Out).

It is my belief that this book is a spiritual enhancing guidebook for you  to
grow in the ability to hand over to your Higher Power the need to control
others so as to ensure things go the way you want them in life. It is humbling
to admit our humanness and that only one being has power over us all.

Use this tool book to grow in personal awareness, emotional serenity, and
responsible action toward yourself and others.


The LET GO System - For letting go of the need to control others

In order to progress in your recovery from the behavioral consequences of
low self-esteem, you need to let go of the need to control the people, places,
and things which are the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life. In
your  past state of low self-esteem you once needed to control people, places,
and  things in your life in order to maintain your sanity in the midst of
severe  emotional distress. This need to fix, control, change, rescue, enable,
give
  advice, and correct led to greater low self-esteem and increased severe
emotional distress. So to be successful in recovery, you need to use the SEA's
LET GO System:

L - Lighten Pressure

E - Exercise Rights

T - Take Steps

G - Give Up Need

O - Order Life

L - Lighten Pressure

The first thing you need to do is to lighten the pressure when you feel the
psychological need or compulsive drive to control, change, fix, rescue,
enable,  give advice, or correct other people, places, or things. To do this,
use
the  TEA, ALERT, ANGER and CHILD Systems to help you become more rational and
realistic about your current pressure or compulsive drive to control.

E - Exercise Rights

Second, once you have regained a healthier, more rational and realistic
perspective on the current person, place, or thing you want to control, you need
to exercise your right to declare that you can only change or control one
thing  and that is you.

T - Take Steps

Third, once you have accepted your personal responsibility for your own
life, you need to take steps to cease your attempts to control, fix, change,
rescue, enable, give advice, or correct other people, places, or things. You 
need
to allow others to experience the natural consequences of their own
thoughts, emotions, and actions.

G - Give Up Need

Fourth, once you have handed back to people, places, and things
responsibility for their own thoughts, emotions, and actions, you need to give 
up the
need to control to others in your life. You need to let go of the
uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life by embracing the spirit, words, 
and meaning
of the Serenity Prayer.

Serenity Prayer - By Reinhold Niebuhr

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can,

Wisdom to know the difference,

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking as Jesus did this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that you will make all things right

If I surrender to your will.

So that I might be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

Amen

O - Order Life

Fifth, once you have embraced the serenity gained from letting go of the
need to control other people, places, and things, you need to order your life
accordingly. In the Tools for Handling Control Issues by Jim Messina, Ph.D. the
many faces of the need to control are discussed in great detail. These tools
can  help you to order your life in the serenity of accepting personal
responsibility  for your own life. In the Tools for Handling Relationships by
Jim
Messina, Ph.D.  many issues involved in nurturing healthy relationships also
contains tools to  help you let go and order your life with others in a healthy
way.

Need to Control: A Self-Assessment

DIRECTIONS:  Review the following reasons you may feel the need to  control
people, places, and things in your life. Put an "X'' next to those  reasons
usually true for you.

___    1.      If you control other  people, they will do what you want them
to do.

___    2.      It's a way to keep  everything orderly, precise, and
predictable, so that you don't go crazy or  insane.

___    3.     You hate to be out of  control or to lose your control.

___    4.      If things don't go  your way, then you feel you'll have to
work harder or have to struggle to  reorganize and correct them.

___    5.     You have a hard time  seeing people you care for hurting
because their lives are out of control.

___    6.     You hate to have people  see your true feelings especially if
they are angry, unpleasant, or negative so  you struggle to control them and
keep them in so as not to upset others.

___    7.     You are on the watch for  being taken advantage of by others.

___    8.     You are afraid of being  manipulated or led into doing
something you really don't want to do.

___    9.     When you see something or  someone who needs to be fixed, you
often step in.

___  10.     You came from a dysfunctional or  crazy homelife and you have no
desire to repeat it in your current homelife.

___  11.     You have an image, dream, or ideal of  the way things are
supposed to be and you work at trying to get it to be that  way.

___  12.     You are afraid that if you don't take  care of things, things
will never get done.

___  13.     You feel if "you don't do it, then no  one will.''

___  14.     You are afraid that everything you  have worked for will be
lost, so you take control to ensure this doesn't happen.

___  15.     When you feel intimidated, you  compensate by taking more
control of the situation.

___  16.     You find it difficult not to help  when you are presented with a
person or thing which appears helpless and out of  control.

___  17.     You tend to hold to an "it's my way  or the highway'' approach
with people who don't do what you want them to do. You  hope this will ensure
they change their bad behaviors.

___  18.     You are frightened, scared, or  nervous when things seem to be
crazy or out of control so your first impulse is  to take charge.

___  19.     You want everybody in your immediate  life to be happy and
you'll do whatever it takes to make it so.

___  20.     You know how hard life can be on  those who go into it
unprepared and unaware,  so you do whatever it takes  to make sure the people
you care
for are not taken advantage of.

INTERPRETATION:  If you checked 3 or more, you have a tendency to
overcontrol the people, places, and things in your life.


Control Mechanisms: A Self-Assessment

DIRECTIONS:  Here are some ways in which you control people to do for  you
the things you could do for yourself. Put an "X'' next to those behaviors
usually true for you.

___    1.     You act helpless,  incompetent, or lost.

___    2.     You make the other person  feel very important and essential in
your life.

___    3.     You tell them reasons  which are a lie why you couldn't get
things done.

___    4.     You feel self-pity and act  out the belief that you have done
everything for everyone in your life so it's  your turn now to be taken care
of.

___    5.     You act tense, anxious,  and stressed out and incapable of
caring for yourself.

___    6.     You resort to threats of  suicide or self-destruction to get
others to care for you.

___    7.     You give others a set of  conditions they must do for you
before you will give them acceptance, care, or  approval.

___    8.     You offer them rewards if  they will do what you want done.

___    9.     You threaten others with  withdrawal of attention, support,
affection, or approval if they don't do what  you want done.

___  10.     You withhold your involvement,  attention, and concern if they
don't do what you want done.

___  11     You play on their sympathy and concern  by being a pathetic
martyr, overworked and unappreciated victim.

___  12.     You play on your physical or  emotional illness, be it real or
perceived, to get them to do for you.

___  13.     You play on their need to be needed  to get them to take care of
you.

___  14.     You play up to their guilt and  overresponsible nature to get
what you want.

___  15.     You act dependent in order to give  the other a sense of
importance and value in helping you.

___  16.     You fall apart when faced with having  to do something which you
would rather not do.

___  17.     You play up to a person who has a  need to fix things that
things have gotten so "out of control'' for you.

___  18.     You promise to change or reform the  behaviors the other wants
you to change in order to get what you want out of the  other, never meaning to
change or reform.

___  19.     When you sense another person is  pulling away from you, you
feign a problem or need which you believe will get  that person involved with
you
again.

___  20.     You act as if you have forgotten to  do something which you know
the other will do for you.

INTERPRETATION:  If you checked 3 or more items, you overuse control
mechanisms to get people to do what you could do for yourself. Now find out if
others are controlling you to do things for them they could do for themselves. 
Go
back and put an "X'' next to those statements true for people in your life.
If 3 or more are checked, then you are being overcontrolled by others to do for
  them what they could do for themselves.


Emotional Response: A Self-Assessment

DIRECTIONS:  Here are some ways in which you could control your  emotional
response to life. Put an "X'' next to the statements which are usually  true for
you.

___    1.     You allow yourself to be  free, open, and expressive to the
feelings you are experiencing at the moment.

___    2.     You usually do not try to  hide your feelings, be they positive
or negative.

___    3.     You are usually able to  accept the consequences of others'
response to your positive or negative  feelings.

___    4.     You are able to freely  express your anger, in an assertive
confrontation mode with no raging, yelling,  screaming, ranting, or raving at
other people.

___    5.     You do not avoid letting  others know if you are angry with
them and yet you don't blow your cool in the  telling.

___    6.     You can show enjoyment,  excitement, and enthusiastic feelings
when the event appropriately calls for  such a response.

___    7.     You are able to openly cry  and grieve a loss event in your
life.

___    8.     You are able to do anger  workouts over old, unresolved anger
in your life so as to free yourself of the  emotional burden and drain these
repressed and unresolved feelings have on your  emotional energy.

___    9.     You are able to express  your violent rage and anger outbursts
privately so that you can return to people  in a more composed way to let them
know in a healthy assertive way how angry you  are.

___  10.     You are able to analyze your emotions  at the time and to see if
they are congruent or in synch with your thinking and  actions. If they are
not, you are able to figure out why and what to do about  it.

___  11.     You are able to not allow self-pity  to be a driving force in
your attitude about freely giving of your time and  energy to accomplish what
you want out of life.

___  12.      If people in your life are  acting out of control, you are able
to freely express your feelings of  disappointment or disagreement and yet
not get hooked into being out of control  with them.

___  13.      If you feel intimidated by  another person, you freely admit
your feelings to yourself and choose not to let  this person control the way you
feel, think, or act.

___  14.     You are able to admit feeling  powerless over those things out
of your control to change, fix, or rescue.

___  15.     You are able to feel at ease and have  serenity in letting go of
the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life.

___  16.     You do not feel you are alone in  having to deal with the
pressures of life because you feel you have a Higher  Power to whom you can hand
the
uncontrollables and unchangeables over which you  feel powerless.

___  17.     You feel detached from the behaviors,  actions, and negative
aspects of the people in life for whom you care a great  deal and yet are not
able to fix, rescue, or change.

___  18.     You are able to feel good about  yourself with no guilt or
remorse when you feel detached from the people with  whom you have had toxic
relationships in the past.

___  19.     You do not let fantasies, dreams,  traditions, or promises of
the way things are supposed to be interfere with your  rationally experiencing
life the way it really is.

___  20.     You have no need to be invisible or  on guard so as not to be
vulnerable to feeling hurt or pain, because you feel it  is better for you to be
vulnerable in life to experience authentic human  growth.

INTERPRETATION:  If you checked 17 or less, then you need to work on  control
of your emotional life so that you cease to use overcontrol of other  people
in your life to feel good about yourself. You need to handle your own
feelings and not give others the power to affect the way you feel or express 
your
feelings. Your feelings are something which you have the ability to control  and
change. They, along with your thinking and actions, are the only
controllables and changeables you can influence, alter, or change.


What is locus of control?

Locus of control means where you place the power to influence how you feel
about yourself and others. It is important to determine if the locus of control
  is external or internal to figure out if you are susceptible to being
controlled  by others.

External Locus of Control

External locus of control is giving other people, places, and things the
power to influence your feelings about yourself.

External locus of control places approval, recognition, acceptance,
reinforcement, and affirmation of self-worth into the hands of other people, 
places,
and things. Unless others approve, recognize, accept, reinforce, or  affirm
your worth, then you feel worthless, non-approved, unrecognized, not  accepted,
and non-reinforced. This makes you susceptible to being controlled by  others'
thinking, emotions, and actions.

Internal Locus of Control:

Internal locus of control is giving yourself the power to influence your
feelings about yourself.

Internal locus of control places self-approval, self-recognition,
self-acceptance, self-reinforcement, and self-affirmation of worth into your own
hands.
In this way it is only up to you and your own efforts at self-love and  care
to feel worthwhile, valuable, competent, skillful, creative, knowledgeable,
and capable of living your life for yourself and not controlled by others. You
are then fully responsible for your own thinking, emotions, and actions in
life.

Locus of control is a "power'' issue

Locus of control is a "power'' issue. If you give others power over you,  you
overemphasize external locus of control in your life. On the other hand, if
you empower yourself, you emphasize internal locus of control in your life.

In order to handle the control issues in your life, it is better to
emphasize internal locus of control so that you are able to let go of the need 
to
control and change others and concentrate on controlling and changing  yourself.





HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

*Am I controlling? How?

I try to be the director and producer of life. I try to micro  manage life
according to my fantasy land script for life. I use  manipulation and pushing to
try to get whatever I want whenever I want  them.

*What is the difference between being  powerless and being empowered?

Being powerless is about not being able to control things outside of
yourself. It’s about not being able to fix everyone and  everything. It’s
about not
being able to script and direct life. Being  powerless is about recognizing
that there is a higher power in control and  trying to fight that is just a
headache and causes more pain.

Being empowered is about recognizing your ability to control and take care
of yourself. It’s about focusing on yourself and how you can change and
improve. It’s about taking responsibility for your actions and doing the
responsible thing. It’s about recognizing consequences and taking the power 
of weighing
them out before acting. It’s about acting rather than reacting.  It’s about
have control over your own attitude.

em·pow·er

To invest with power,  especially legal power or official authority. See
Synonyms at  authorize.
To equip or supply with an ability;
To make  more confident or assertive: to give somebody a greater sense of
confidence or  self-esteem

We empower ourselves to take responsibility for ourselves and our  recovery.

*When I let go of others, how am I  then empowered? How does this make my
life manageable?

When I let go of others I am empowered to put the focus on me. I  can see
what I'm doing and why better when I'm not all mixed up in what everyone  else
is
thinking and doing. I can learn to rely on myself, have faith in  myself and
my higher power, and to really grow. I have greater resources to  dedicate to
myself and my issues when I'm not obsessing about others. I am  no longer
wasting time driving myself crazy about someone else so I have more  energy for
me. I can recognize my true power when I'm no longer putting so  much focus on
trying to exert power over others, which does not work.

This makes my life more manageable in a lot of ways. As I said  before,
obsessing over and trying to control others takes a lot of energy and  effort,
which doesn't leave much left to deal with the things that really belong  to me.
I
spend so much time trying to clean everyone else’s side of the street  that
when (if I do) come back to my side of the street I'm too tired to clean it
up. It just gets messier and more out of control as I try to ignore it. If  I
let go of others, though, I've got no where to go but back to my side of the
street. I'm forced to look at the mess in front of me. At the same time,
though, I have more energy to start cleaning it up and making life a little more
manageable.

Also, when I let go of others I am no longer making them my higher  power.
This gives me an opportunity to develop more of a relationship with  my higher
power. I can learn to trust and rely on my higher power and with the  help and
guidance of my higher power I can do and accomplish things that I could  have
never done before.

Unknown Source






HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Christian Men Who Hate Women

Margaret J. Rinck

Zondervan Publishing House, 1990

       Rinck acknowledges that some men misuse  Christianity to dominate or
abuse their wives and/ or other women around them.  Frequently these men exhibit
their misogyny only in private or only to a few  women. These men appear to
many as the epitome of propriety to those outside  this "intimate" circle.
Rinck tells us how to recognize these men, suggests how  to deal with these men,
and tells us that we women are fully human and that no  one, man or woman, has
God's blessing to treat us as any less than fully human.


1) "Any challenge or objection by his  wife is met with rage, temper
tantrums, or stony silence. The Christian  misogynist (yes, there are such
people)
often uses distortion of scriptural  teaching to keep his partner "in her
place."
" page 16

       2) "The reason is that once the woman  changes a particular behavior to
please him, another behavior becomes the  target. The definition of what is
pleasing constantly changes, so that she is  kept off balance." page 17

       3) "A woman should examine whether her  marriage relationship has most
of these characteristics:


1. The man assumes he has the  "God-given" right to control how she lives and
behaves. Her needs or thoughts  are not even considered.
2. He uses God, the  Bible, and church doctrine to support his "right to tell
her what to do," and  demands that she "submit" unquestioningly to his
desires, whims, decisions, or  plans. There is no sense of mutuality or loving
consideration. It is always his  way or nothing.

       3. She finds that she no longer associates  with certain friends,
groups, or even family members because of her need to keep  him happy. Even
though
these activities or people are important to her, she  finds herself preferring
to avoid them in order to "keep the peace."

       4. He believes and acts like her opinions,  views, feelings, or
thoughts have no real value. He may discredit them on  principle or specifically
because "she is a woman and easily deceived like Eve  was." Or, he may give
lip-service to respecting her thoughts, but later shoot  them down one by one
because they "are not logical."

       5. He acts charming and sweet at church and  is well-liked at work, yet
at home the family has to "walk on eggs" to prevent  setting him off. People
who do not see him at home find it hard to believe that  she is really
suffering emotional abuse. He reinforces this feeling whenever she  points out
the
differences between home and church by saying something such as ,  "Oh, quit
exaggerating. I'm not like that!"

       6. When she displeases him and he does not  get his way, he yells,
threatens, or sulks in angry silence.

       7. She feels confused by his behavior  because one day he can be
loving, kind, charming, and gentle; the next day he is  cruel and full of rage.
The
switch seems to come without warning.

       8. No matter how much she tries to improve,  change, or "grow in the
Word," in her relationship with him, she still feels  confused, inadequate,
guilty, and somehow off balance. She never knows what will  set him off next,
and
no matter how much she prays, he never changes. She almost  feels she must be
"crazy" and she is sure it is her fault.

       9. He acts possessive and jealous, even of  her time with the children.
He may even try to restrict her normal church  activities because "a woman's
place is in the home." If other people, especially  other men, notice her or
talk to her, he becomes very angry or jealous.

       10. When anything goes wrong in the home or  in their relationship, the
problem is always her. If she would just be "more  submissive" or "more
filled with the spirit" or "obey me like a good Christian  wife," everything
would
be fine. He seems blind to any cruelty or misbehavior on  his part. He
actually sees himself virtuous for "putting up" with a woman like  her." pages
20-23


4) "The unique feature of misogynists is  that their abusive, nonempathetic
grandiosity is directed toward the women in  their lives. Misogynists may
occasionally exhibit these characteristics toward  other people, but the brunt
of
their disorder is aimed at their wives or  girlfriends." page 43
5) "The misogynist is  extremely control-oriented; he needs to control and
dominate his wife." page  46

       6) "He may make sex mechanical (when and  where he wants it), refuse to
be concerned about her sexual satisfaction,  becomes less and less physically
affectionate after the wedding, express  repulsion or disgust at the idea of
romantically touching, or use blame or  punishment when her sexual needs
differ from his own." page 47

       7) "The goal of his emotional and  psychological battering is to wear
down his wife, to keep her under his control  at all costs.

       Some of the tools of abuse and control are  yelling, bullying,
threatening, temper tantrums, name calling, constant  criticism, verbal attacks,
ridiculing the woman's pain, subtle attempts to  confuse her and make her doubt
her
sanity, forgetting things that happened  between them, accusations, blaming,
and rewriting history. The misogynist uses  all these tactics with the overt
aim to "teach you a lesson" or "make you a  better person." In Christian homes
the justification for abuse becomes even more  powerful. Often God or the
Bible is used to justify the verbal attack as  "correction." "If you were a
really
good Christian wife you'd . . . ," or "I  only do this because God gave me
the authority to lead you and be your spiritual  head." These become stereotyped
defenses. If the wife shows anger, fear, or  weakness, she is "rebellious,"
"untrusting," or "immature in the Lord." If she  questions her husband's
decisions or opinions, she must be disciplined for her  own good." page 53

       8) "Codependent women are usually deceived  by the occasional "nice"
behaviors that their mates exhibit." page 60 - see Dee  Graham's Loving to
Survive: Sexual Terror, Men's Violence, and Women's Lives  (New York University
Press, 1994) for a way of explaining women's submissive  behavior that does not
degrade women by calling us co-dependent. In Loving to  Survive, Graham
attributes this behavior to "the Societal Stockholm Syndrome,"  an adaptive
behavior
that allows women to survive in an hostile environment. She  adamantly refuses
to acknowledge that such women are codependents. Good book and  I agree with
her. Although the behavioral responses/ intellectual conclusions  that people
reach are the same where they are codependents or suffering from the
Stockholm Syndrome, women who are suffering from the Societal Stockholm Syndrome
can
be "reprogrammed" to reject a culture that condones abuse and to reject  their
abusers.

       9) ". . . Elaine was a people pleaser and  tried desperately to
"correct" her behavior so as to please her spouse. Yet each  time she tried, it
seemed as if the rules had changed." page 60

       10) "Learned helplessness is observed in  victims of chronic abuse or
trauma; these people feel that they have no ability  to make choices or
influence their destiny." page 61

       11) "A child growing up in the kind of  environment Ruth Ellen or Mary
did or in other dysfunctional families where  codependency develops learns
some rules:


1. Your feelings do not matter. Pleasing  others and soothing their feelings
becomes all-important. Peace is to be  maintained at any price.
2. No one is there to  protect you. "If Mom can't protect herself from Dad's
abuse, she obviously isn't  going to take care of me."

       3. The only way to handle a man's aggression  is to give in to it. "Mom
stayed married to Dad for thirty years, and he  belittled her and treated her
mean, so I guess I have to do it too."

       4. The most important thing in life, yet the  most painful thing, is to
have a man. . .

       5. The way to keep people from abandoning  you is to try to be perfect,
meet all their needs, ignore your own thoughts and  feelings, and, above all,
never act as if their mistreatment is that bad." page  69


12) "They end up feeling constantly  condemned by their spouses, by Scripture
and by God. It never occurs to them to  question their husbands'
interpretation of Scripture or to decide for themselves  whether it is being
used
appropriately. All too aware of their faults, they see  these biblical
injunctions as
proof that they have failed and that if they would  just "do it right,"
everything would be fine.
As we all know, Scripture can and has been used to justify everything from
slavery to the Holocaust." page 72

       13) "Example: Phillip was separated from his  wife for three years, but
not divorced, and had an affair with a needy,  codependent Christian woman. A
Christian himself, he told her that "it was God's  will" for them to have sex
because "in God's eyes we are already married." She  begged him not to do it,
but Phillip pressured her and forced himself upon her.  Afterward he said he
had "no guilt" because "God had created sex and their love  was beautiful."
"page 74

       14) "Many men use this notion of their  sanctioned "authority" to
commit atrocities against women and children. . . .At  a national seminar I
attended, one well-known Bible teacher said that even if a  woman's husband beat
her,
she would be better off to "obey God," submit to the  beatings, and even die
than to leave him to seek relief!" page 75

       15) "Even victims of such abuse find it  difficult to conceive [that
the abuse is real]." page 76

       16) "Sexism permeates our evangelical  culture. In some churches, it is
intrinsic to certain doctrinal positions. The  problem is both cultural and
religious." page 79-80

       17) "Another root problem in the evangelical  church is misuse of the
biblical ideal of submission." page 81

       18) "However, for the woman who has no idea  of what a healthy
relationship of mutual submission looks like, let me outline a  few
characteristics:


1. Both partners live in a daily,  personal voluntary submission to Jesus
Christ as Lord and Savior. . .
2. Love is based on a deep, mutual respect as  the guiding principle behind
all decisions, actions, and plans. . .

       3. Both partners are aware of their status  as "heirs together" in
Christ . . .Both recognize that the purpose of those  gifts is to build up,
through mutual submission, the body of Christ as well as  their own
relationship.

       4. Natural abilities and talents of each  individual. . . are a
practical basis for delegating various roles and  responsibilities in the home.

       5. The emphasis is on a mature relationship  between two adults, not on
prescribed, arbitrary roles or functions into which  each personality is
forced to fit. The marriage is seen as a relationship rather  than as a career
or
an organization.

       6. Each person maintains their own God-given  personal identity and
personality. . .

       7. The sexual relationship is not only  procreative but it is one of
joy, fun, fulfillment, and refreshment for both  partners.

       8. Intimacy and deep emotional closeness  replaces game playing and
role playing.

       9. Honesty and fidelity are the cornerstones  of healthy communication
patterns, based on a deep, abiding trust in the other  person and in Christ.

       10. Decision-making is based on a process  where both partners have a
willingness to come to a mutually satisfying outcome.  " pages 83-85


19) "He believes that the best way to  keep his woman from leaving him is to
cripple her emotionally, to limit her  activities, and to keep her guessing
psychologically." page  89
20) "He is incapable of seeing her as a  separate human being." page 103

       21) "This woman lets his personality  overwhelm her and gives way to
the force of his persona." page 103

       22) "Recovery is a life-long process, so I  urge you to let go of any
perfectionist expectations you may have about  accomplishing this in a few
weeks." page 111

       23) "The misogynist is happy with things as  they are; he likes having
the balance of power in his favor and sees no need for  help." page 115-116

       24) "The feelings that normally motivate  change - sadness, guilt,
remorse, anxiety - are not a significant part of his  emotional experience."
page
138

       25) "Thus, even in a Christian context, the  prognosis for repairing a
misogynistic marriage is not very good." page  140

       26) "The primary thing that the Christian  community can do to change
the misogynistic system is to break the silence about  it." page 159

       27) "Often those most vocally opposed to  change regarding sexism are
women who are afraid of change and of losing their  martyr's role in society."
page 161

       28) "I am aware of two cases in which a  misogynist, through charm and
manipulation, deceived court-appointed  psychologists and/or psychiatrists and
persuaded them to grant him custody of  the minor children." page 164

"Appendix E : What is Misogyny?

       You may photocopy this appendix and Figure 1  for the purpose of
sharing information about misogyny with a prospective  counselor.

       What is misogyny? The word is unfamiliar to  most people. It comes for
the Greek words misein, meaning to hate, and gune,  meaning women. Literally,
misogyny means the hatred of women. Misogyny entails a  pattern of mental and
emotional abuse in marital and male/female relationships.  While misogynistic
behavior can include physical abuse, it is usually much more  subtle. Unlike
the usual stereotype of men who hate women, such as wife beaters  and rapists,
the usual misogynistic male primarily uses emotional and mental  weapons
against his partner.

       The partner of the misogynist is usually  very bewildered. What
happened to the man with whom she fell in love? After the  honeymoon had ended,
she
realizes that she married not Romeo, but Dr. Jekyll and  Mr. Hyde.

       The fact is that women in misogynistic  relationships are constantly
dealing with a double-minded man. Her partner at  times is charming, adoring,
affable, and loving; the next moment he is likely to  be controlling,
mean-spirited, and cruel. The wife is likely to be so confused  by the mixed
messages of
her relationship that she wonders if she is going  crazy. She thinks that
because he can behave so lovingly at times, that it must  be her fault that he
is
not always that way. Women in these dysfunctional  relationships are usually
very codependent. When they are scapegoated by their  spouses as being the
cause of the problems in the relations - they tend to  accept the blame.

       Christian men who hate women (religious  misogynists) are in some ways
more dangerous and destructive in their behavior  than their non-Christian
counterparts. Secular misogynists do not have the  powerful, additional arsenal
of church doctrines, God-talk, and the sanctioning  of male authority, which
comes with the idea of Christian marriage. Christian  women are often taught in
the church or at home that they should "submit" to men  "no matter what"
because men are the "spiritual head" over women.

       What is confusing to the woman is the  double-sided nature of the man's
behavior. He frequently acts one way at home  and then presents a different
face to the outside world. When he is at church or  work, he is witty, kind,
considerate. Often his wife finds that her pastor and  friends at church do not
believe her confessions of abuse because they never see  his misogynistic
side. This double-life factor keeps the wife and others off  balance. She
becomes
convinced that if she would "just do what he says" or "try  harder" or "be
more loving" then he would be consistently kind and caring to  her.

       I have seen cases where psychologists,  psychiatrists, and pastors have
been totally fooled by the good-looking facade  of these men. Misogynists are
usually quite bright and quite capable of doing a  snow-job to escape
detection by a professional therapist. Even when a misogynist  is confronted
with
evidence of his abusive behavior, he may respond saying, "I  know I did that -
but it's only because I needed to teach her a lesson. If she  would just do as I
say, everything would be fine."

       Misogynists are unable to empathize with  their wives' pain and
distress. In fact, the pain of their partner seems to  enrage them and feed
their
hatred. Here are some telltale signs of a  misogynistic relationship:


1. The man assumes that it is his  "God-given right" to control how his wife
lives and behaves. Her needs,  thoughts, feelings are not considered.
2. He  uses God, the Bible, and church teachings to support his right to
"tell her what  to do," and demands that she "submit" to his desires, whims,
decisions, or plans  without question. There is no sense of mutuality or loving
consideration. It's  always his way, or no way.

       3. He believes that a woman's beliefs,  opinions, views, feelings, and
thoughts are of no real value. He may discredit  her opinions in general or
specifically because she is a "daughter of Eve and  easily deceived." Therefore,
her opinions are of little consequence. Or  alternatively, he may give lip
service to the idea that his wife's opinions  count for something, but then
discount them one by one because they are not  "logical."

       4. The woman reports that her husband's  behavior at home is strikingly
different from his behavior at work or church. At  home everyone "walks on
eggs" out of fear of displeasing him or setting him off.  When the wife points
out the difference between his behavior at home and other  places, he is likely
to respond, "Oh, quit exaggerating! I'm not like  that!"

       5. The woman reports that when he is  displeased and/or does not get
his way, he yells and threatens, or sulks in  angry silence. Yet the next day he
acts as if "nothing" had happened, and is  charming and sweet. No one can
predict when he is going to switch from nice to  nasty.

       6. The woman finds that in her relationship  with him, no matter how
much she may try to improve, change, "grow in the Word,"  etc., she still feels
inadequate, guilty, and somehow off-balance. She never  knows what is going to
set him off next, and no matter how much she prays, he  never changes. She
almost feels as if she must be "crazy," and she is sure it is  her fault. Even
when other relationships at work or school give her positive  feedback and
encouragement, she loses all her confidence and self-esteem when  she returns
home. No matter what she does to change and adapt to his demands, it  is never
enough. His demands always change and become unreasonable.

       7. The husband remains blind to any fault or  cruelty on his part. When
anything goes wrong in the home or in the marital  relationship, the problem
is always the woman. If she would just be "more  submissive" or "be filled
with the Spirit" or "obey me like a good Christian  wife," everything would be
fine. He actually sees himself as virtuous for  "putting up" with a woman like
her. On the other hand, he can become  unreasonably jealous if other people,
particularly men, pay too much attention  to his wife. Thus, the wife no longer
feels free to associate with certain  friends, groups, or family members
because of her need to keep him happy. Even  though these activities or people
are
important to her, she prefers avoiding  them so that she can "keep the peace."


If you see a relationship that has most  of these characteristics, you are
dealing with a misogynist. If a pastor or  counselor, you meet a woman who comes
in for counseling and she describes a  relationship that sounds like this,
there is misogyny involved." pages  185-189
Figure 1: The Rinck Misogyny Continuum

Unconscious Foundation of Misogynistic Behavior: Shame and Fear of
Abandonment

       This produces a pattern of disrespect and  hatred toward women.
Misogyny lies on a continuum and is manifested at various  levels of intensity,
in
various types of behaviors and attitudes. To one degree  or another, all the
types (I through IV) of Christian men who hate women use the  Bible, church
doctrine, and theological arguments to support their right to  control women. He
demands "submission" to his viewpoint: He discounts his wife's  feelings,
opinions, and thoughts. He acts charming one moment, then hostile and  cruel the
next. He frequently points out his wife's faults. He is unable to  perceive his
own shortcomings in the relationship.

Type 1 Misogynist (Mild):

       No physical abuse of his partner. He uses  indirect criticism; denies
that he is abusive, protestations of love when  confronted with his
disrespectful behavior; extremely subtle, may use flattery  to keep woman at his
side.
Uses logic to control situations. Outargues spouse,  totally discounts woman's
feelings and thoughts. He rarely loses his temper. He  always looks as if he is
in control, very reasonable. Out of touch with his own  feelings.

Type II Misogynist:

       Includes Type I behaviors plus more overt  verbal tactics such as
teasing, bullying, belittling, namecalling, obvious  criticism, unfavorable
comparison of partner with other woman. Uses nonverbal  tactics such as pouting,
the
"silent treatment," dirty looks to show  displeasure. May demand special
attention. May be jealous of wife's attention to  children or other relatives.
May
use temper tantrums to get his own way.  Increase in intensity and frequency
of behaviors over Type I.

Type III Misogynist:

       Uses any of Type I and Type II behaviors  plus the threat of physical,
emotional, or sexual abuse. More extreme in  controlling social life,
religious practices, finances, sexual interactions, and  matters of daily
living.
Increase in intensity and frequency of behaviors over  Types I and II.

Type IV Misogynist (Extreme):

       Uses of any of Type I through type III  behaviors plus physical and/or
sexual abuse toward wife and possibly children.  Level of intensity of abusive
behavior is very high and poses a significant  danger to the woman. Abusive
style has become a deeply ingrained behavior. More  extreme in controlling
various areas of family life." page 22

       Note: It took me probably 10 years of  verbal/emotional abuse by a
"true Christian" followed by reading probably 20  books on (feminist) theology
to
accept that there are committed "Christian" men  who truly believe that they
are given the moral right by God to "chastise" (read  that "punish" ) any woman
who comes into their path.






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Why Does She Resent Me

Dear Doc Love:

I am a tad troubled by what I've been reading in your column. You talk a  lot
about what to do to find and keep a girl, but you don't seem to address the
issue of whether or not girls enjoy being abused. Unfortunately, with many
girls, this is becoming all too common.

I recently ended a relationship with a girl whom I treated very nicely the
entire time I was with her. I treated her to meals, I talked to her with
respect, and I was caring and tried to be comforting whenever she encountered
difficulty or stress. All my friends attested that I treated her wonderfully.

She told me that before she dated me, she dated a guy who abused her
regularly. He regularly threatened her with a knife (by placing the flat end of 
the
blade on her neck), he slapped her constantly, and he always belittled her.
How long was she with him? Two years. How long did she date a decent guy like
me? Three months. There is something wrong with that picture.

I asked her why she was with him for so long since he was abusive. She
responded with "I thought then that I deserved it." With me, she never thanked 
me
for taking her anywhere, got mad if I tried to be helpful and comforting, and
towards the end, before she left, she was very abusive to me.

This raises the question: Do girls prefer to be kicked around or treated
with respect? Friends of mine have had this same problem with their girlfriends.
And if my friends and I have had that problem, then bet on the fact that most
  other men (or at least a good number) have experienced the same problem as
well.  Given how common this is with females, this topic should be addressed,
and it is  my hope that you will the address the topic in your column ASAP.


Armando - who is tired of not being appreciated



Dear Armando,

What did you expect from a girl like this, a picnic in the park? A woman  who
has a history of being involved with abusive men (who hasn't had therapy and
recovery) is simply not good relationship material. You want to avoid this
type  of woman at all costs because you don't want her becoming the mother of
your  children. As soon as any woman whom you're dating starts telling you
stories  about how her ex boyfriend beat her or humiliated her or threatened her
or
  stalked her, head for the nearest exit.

If a woman is addicted to being with bad men, that means she will not be
able to tolerate being with someone who treats her well. She may think that what
she wants is a good man, but a good man will never (and should never try to)
provide her with that constant sense of dread and drama that her sick soul
thrives on.

What almost always happens in this situation is that the new guy starts
earnestly trying to prove that not all men are b******s by being extra nice to
her. Then she winds up dumping him because he somehow just doesn't light her
fire. Sound familiar Armando?

Only if a woman from an abusive background has done some serious  therapeutic
work to recover from her addiction, will she be able to sustain a  healthy
relationship with an emotionally healthy partner. There are tens of  thousands
of women out there (and plenty of men, too) who have grown up with  abuse and
feel comfortable only in destructively dysfunctional relationships.


Even people who have had a fair amount of therapy and counseling, often
unconsciously slip back into old self-destructive patterns. It takes real
commitment and determination to break free from this kind of unhealthy 
behavior.

So Armando, do women like to be kicked around or do they like to be treated
with respect? It's not a black and white issue. Some women, like your (ex)
girlfriend, do like to be "kicked around." Fortunately there are plenty out
there that don't.

But Armando, you need to look at the role you chose for yourself in this
relationship. You're complaining about how your ex is attracted to abusive men.
Well wait a minute. She was disrespectful and abusive to you and you stuck it
out with her until she dumped you. You need to ask YOURSELF: "Why did I stay
with someone who treated me so badly? And how can I judge her so harshly for
staying with an abusive partner when I did the very same thing?"

Now, Armando, allow me to clear up the rest of the picture for you. We  know
that women who come from an abusive home will re-enact that same scenario  in
their relationships as an adult. But how do we explain the behavior of
thousands of women who would never be with an abusive man, but find themselves
drawn to guys who don't always treat them so well, guys who have little or no
respect for women?

In order to explain this phenomenon, I'm going to divide the pool of
non-abusive men that a clinically sane woman has to choose from into three 
distinct
categories. Many men do not necessarily fit into only one of these
categories, but I'm rigidly dividing them for educational purposes.

First, there is a large percentage of men who are not a Challenge at all.  We
call this type of guy The Nice Guy or The Wimp or the Teddy Bear Guy. This
chap wears his high Interest Level on his sleeve. He'll do anything to gain a
woman's approval. He's needy and clingy and is always trying to please and
impress. He's too open and too vulnerable too soon. He's overly considerate and
places the woman's needs before his own. He's often so whipped and
brainwashed  with political correctness that he even does things - like asking a
woman
for  her permission to kiss her.

You get the picture. This is not the type of man who fuels women's romantic
fantasies. He is not a turn on. - in fact, quite the opposite.

What turns women on and gets their juices flowing is a guy who is self-
assured and self-sufficient. A guy with a strong ego who goes for what he wants
without asking permission. A guy with healthy boundaries who is capable of
setting limits and saying "no" to a woman when it's appropriate. Women want a
guy who is also somewhat unpredictable, mysterious and full of surprises.

The man that women dream of combines all the qualities of this confident
individual, along with a capacity to love a woman deeply with an open heart
(after she proves she's trustworthy). I call this second type of man The 
Positive
Challenge. All men should aspire to be a Positive Challenge in their
relationships with women.

Then there is the third type, who, beyond having a healthy ego, is
self-obsessed, self absorbed and just plain selfish. He's a user, a taker, and 
not a
giver. He only says "yes" to a woman when it suits him. His heart is  closed
off. He doesn't keep his word. You can't count on him. You can't trust  him.
He's TOO unpredictable. But many women find him alluring because he can't  be
controlled and he's anything but boring. He's known as the Jerk or the Rat or
the Bad Boy. I call him The Negative Challenge.

Unfortunately, because so few men are a Positive Challenge, women who would
never be with an outright abusive man are frequently forced to choose between
The Wimp and Mr. Negative Challenge. And when forced to choose between those
two, women will take Mr. Negative Challenge over the Wimp most often. Why?
Because they perceive Mr. Negative Challenge, however problematic he may be, as
  STRONG and The Wimp as weak. And women place an extremely high value on stre
ngth  qualities in a man.

This is why you hear so many men complaining that women don't appreciate a
nice guy and that they prefer to be with jerks. Women are dawn to strength
qualities in men FIRST. Sensitivity and sweetness is appealing when added as
dessert, but an entire meal of cake frosting is nauseating.

Just remember that women, particularly the beautiful ones, are sick to  death
of the endless number of men who are constantly catering to their whims.
They're desperately weary of always getting their way with men and are hungry
for a Challenge even if he doesn't come in the ideal form.

Now let's leave The Wimp out of the equation and give a woman the choice
only between Mr. Positive Challenge and Mr. Negative Challenge. In this
situation, the greater the woman's self esteem, the more likely she would be to 
go
for Mr. Positive Challenge. If her self-esteem was so-so, then she might go  for
the guy who was somewhere in between the two.

Now that you're single again my advice to you, Armando, is to no longer go
out with abusive women who've been abused. Treat yourself with love and respect
  by finding a woman to date who is sweet and loving. And study "The System"
to  learn how to be a Positive Challenge.

Remember, guys, all women love a Challenge.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System,"  visit
me at _http://www.doclove.com_ (http://www.doclove.com)  or call  (800)
404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in
his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you
  stay with one man versus another?"


(c) Copyright 2001 DocLove DotCom, Inc.




HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

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_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How to Turn Nice Men Off

One of the biggest issues women have with men is "Why didn't he call back?"
We know why insensitive men don't call back, they're creeps. But what about
men  who seem too nice to be that rude? After talking to a lot of men about this
  problem, this is what it boils down to:

1. She said too much. Men tell me that many women go into way too much
detail about their past relationships, especially of a sexual nature. Men don't
want to hear about everything.

2. She talked about all the bad things every man ever did to her...and she
blames me. Men hate it when a woman blames them for what some jerk before them
did to her. It's like they're guilty until proven innocent.

3. She's angry at men. She's got a chip on her shoulder about men and
carries a bit of anger toward all men...simply because they're men. This is a
variation on #2 but it's about men in general, rather than specific men and
incidences. Even worse, because of her anger toward men she can find flaw in 
every
new man. Since no man is ever good enough, why would a nice man even  try?

4. She lacks some or all of the qualities he's looking for. Most any  woman's
list of expectations regarding men, marriage, and relationships is  pretty
long. Consequently, most women settle for a man that lacks some of the
qualities she was looking for. A man's list is very short. For example, if a 
man's
list of what he's looking for in that special woman is four items long, if  one
item is missing, that's one/quarter of what he needs. If its missing, he's
gone...without an explanation.

5. She has sex too soon. Yes, most men want to get a woman into bed as soon
as possible. But, if a woman he's really interested in has sex with him too
soon, he quits calling because he figures if she did it with him so easily, she
  probably did with others, equally soon in the relationship. It's a double
standard, of course, but I'm just reporting the news. And ladies, don't say, "I
  don't usually have sex so soon." He won't believe it, even if it's true.
He's  heard it before. He wants to think you're kind of pure, and maybe only had
sex  with the few men you were truly in love with. Wait until you think this
man  could become Mr. Right. He'll respect your desire to wait. If not, isn't
it nice  to find out now.

Okay, you haven't done any of those things but he still doesn't call back.
Again, setting aside that he isn't an insensitive creep, what's the deal? Here
are the two reasons that it boils down to: He's not ready to get involved,
and/or...you're not the right one. Pretty simple. You may be great, perfect,
actually, for another guy, just not this guy. It reflects nothing bad on you,
it's just that his list of requirements is very short compared to yours. Maybe
  five or six items. If only one of those items is missing, that's a pretty
big  percentage of the package he's looking for. What you need to learn to do is
say,  "Next."




HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

PT 1 and 2: Love vs. In-Love


© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


This Excerpt:

Love vs. In-Love: Part 1

[If you like this essay, then definitely take a look at my newest  title, In
Love and Loving It – Or Not! This new book takes you much deeper into  the how
and why of falling of love, loving, and what you can do to make it work  for
you.

This excerpt seems to be of interest to everyone - regardless of their
circumstances. It is an important issue that many of us never get an 
understanding
of. We're so conditioned to think that love will just take care of  itself
that we never dig in to figure out what we can do to achieve real love in  out
lives. This essay highlights the difference between being in-love and loving
someone. It sets the stage to deal with the problem of being in-love with
someone who isn't good for us, covered in other sections of the book.

My perspective on being in-love continues to evolve – totally as a result  of
two experiences since my separation in which I been in-love. I’m so moved by
the obvious importance of this phenomenon that I’ve just released a new book
on  the subject, and my take on falling in-love is decidedly more positive
than it  was at the time this essay was written. Still, the ideas here can be
very  helpful, especially if you are in-love with someone who is hurtful to 
you.]

Love vs. In-Love

Well, everybody is always talking about love. And with so many people  saying
so many things about it, I guess it makes sense to understand what this
simple, four-letter word means. So let’s borrow from Harville Hendrix (p. 163)
and M. Scott Peck (p. 165) yet again. Right off the top let’s break this into
two very big and very different pieces. Let’s think of love, loving, and the
act  of love on the one hand, and falling in love, being in love, and romantic
love  on the other hand. And to really talk about these things and understand,
you  need to know which one you’ve got and which one you don’t.

Briefly, falling in love is an unconsciously motivated insane state in  which
we attempt to meet our own needs, to make up for not caring enough for
ourselves, by completing ourselves in sexual union with and emotional dependence
on another person. Loving is a chosen, purposeful effort, often done in the
face  of fear, to nurture our own spiritual growth or the growth of another.

Wow. Are you still with me? I know this seems pretty radical, but there is  a
lot here you can use to get in control of your life. Trust me.

Falling In Love: Old black and white movies; Beauty and the Beast; happily
ever after. Man, we all want to fall in love. It’s the way the universe tells
us  who we belong with forever and ever. And nothing could be better.  Except...

Falling in love is mental illness in disguise. Mental illness?!! Yes,  that’s
what I said. Falling in love is mental illness in disguise. Here’s a  short
catalog of what’s wrong with falling in love:

First, we’re overcome with excitement, fulfillment, and euphoria. Hello?
From being close to someone who we might not even know? Doesn’t sound very
healthy to me.

Second, we lose all perspective about the person we’re in love with. We
idealize the person. They become the most beautiful/handsome, most loving,
caring, kindest… Really?

Third, being in love doesn’t last. The fairy tales say it will. And
sometimes we might know a couple that is still “in love” after 40 years. But
it’s
not so. Eventually reality sinks in and the glow is lost. Being in love is  just
a transient state of altered consciousness. That 40 year couple isn’t in
love, they’ve transitioned to loving, which is totally different.

Fourth, we lose ourselves. Without our understanding it, our whole ego  tries
to merge with our love. We become incomplete without them. We need that
person to be whole. Nice romantic concept. But not very healthy. Have you ever
been in love with someone who didn’t love you back? I have. And it isn’t
very
healthy. Trust me.

Fifth, we can’t control it. We don’t choose to fall in love, and we  don’t
choose who we fall in love with. Hendrix has a great theory, called imago
theory, that explains who we’ll fall in love with. But it isn’t up to us.
Sixth, falling in love is always sexual. It just won’t happen outside of
that, because it is driven by our sexual drives.

So, when you’re in love:

You get there without choice;
You didn’t get to choose who you’re in  love with;
The one you’re in love with has to be from the limited set of  people you can
be sexually attracted to;
You can’t think straight, because  everything is idealized;
You can’t feel straight, because you’re lost in  euphoria (or dysphoria if
she doesn’t love you back); and
You can’t be whole  by yourself.

As nice as euphoria is, you can do a lot of damage to yourself when  you’re
lost in this fog. There’s a little more on this feeling of euphoria in 
Magical
Stuff (p. 54).

The Incomplete Self: Why do we go there? We go there because, by ourselves,
we are incomplete. When we are incomplete, we are unhappy. Now, you can read
Hendrix (p. 163) to get a lot more detail about this. He says we deny parts of
  ourselves, and we lose parts of ourselves.

We deny parts because family and society disapprove. I might be a big
hulking guy and love floral wallpaper. Not for long, I guess. It would be too
painful. Better to just deny that part of me and go with plain off-white.

We lose parts of ourselves because we fail to recognize them and don’t
nurture them. For example, I might have been an athlete in high school, but in 
my
years studying quantum mechanics and later working hard at the laboratory
bench trying to count all those quanta, I could lose the physical aspect of
myself.
These denied and incomplete parts are more than just empty spaces.  They are
unmet needs. As people, we are not complete without them. They are
deficiencies in our spirit. We cannot fulfill ourselves without them. They are 
aspects
of ourselves in which we need to grow. And neglecting these aspects of
ourselves makes us sick, too. It causes malaise and depression. Have a look at
Depression and the Unconscious (p. 68).

To grow, we are going to need to expend some effort. We are going to need  to
take some risk. We are going to need nurturing. In other words, we are going
to need some spiritual growth to overcome these deficiencies.

Which brings us to love. [Continued in part 2…]




This Excerpt:

Love vs. In-Love: Part 2

[In the last excerpt  we saw that falling in love is not a rational process,
and it can actually look  a lot like being mentally ill. Actually, how crazy
it looks mostly depends on  circumstances, something I talk more about in my
new book, In Love and Loving It  - Or Not!.I explain in a lot more detail what
we can do - consciously and  rationally - to get into love in healthier
situations.

This excerpt is the second part of a longer section from Tears and  Healing,
and in this half we see that love and loving are conscious actions, and  they
don't have a whole lot in common with being in love.

In truth I believe we all need some of both in our lives, and understanding
what these two important dimensions of relating are all about is essential.
And  so, to continue...]

Love vs. In-Love

[Continued from part 1]

Which brings us to love.

Love: Peck (p. 165) says it better than I can, but, to paraphrase, love is
work or courage expended to nurture the spiritual growth of myself or another.
It is a choice. And it is hard. No idealism here. No euphoria. No loss of
ourselves. And no agony if it isn’t returned.

What is spiritual growth? It is the growth of ourselves as human beings  - as
complete human beings. Hendrix talks about four aspects: physical, sexual,
thinking, and feeling. To be complete, to be spiritually fulfilled, we need to
develop all four of these parts of ourselves.

Now, let’s say you grew up in a family situation where you were told that
you were dumb and shouldn’t expect to succeed at anything “hard.” You
might
have  made choices that steered you away from developing your thinking
capabilities.  As an adult, you’re probably not going to suddenly start
studying quantum
  mechanics or relativistic physics. To develop this part of you, you will
probably need some help. You will need the effort and persistence of someone who
  can assist or guide you in developing your thinking skills. This effort is
love,  and assists you in your spiritual development.

The same might be true of your sexuality. If you were influenced to avoid
those aspects of your emotions and ignored the physical signals from your body,
you are probably going to need some help to develop a healthy sexuality. That
  might come from a counselor, a doctor, or a caring intimate partner. But it
is  going to take some effort, and that effort is going to have to be focused
on you  and helping you grow.

One From Column A, One From Column B: Now, let’s start lacing these two
together. Did you notice that both falling in love and love are ways to complete
yourself - to fill in the missing pieces?

Now, here you are, incomplete, as we all are. There is a driving force to
change that - that’s why we fall in love! Now, you have a choice. You can try
to
  fill in those holes by falling in love, or you can try to fill them in
through  love. Which are you going to chose? Well, love is work. That’s not
too
enticing.  Falling in love feels good. Yeah, that’s for me!

The problem is that falling in love has so many problems. Go back up and
look at that list again. Just limiting the people could help you grow to those
who could be sexually attractive is a huge limitation. Think of all the
potential that’s eliminated! And the other problems are big, too. Taken 
together,
they almost guarantee that falling in love won’t provide the growth  that you
need. It’s a deception, a dirty trick of nature.

In fact, both Peck and Hendrix argue that falling in love is a Darwinian
development designed to fool us into starting families, and might by luck even
set us up to get real love. But by itself, falling in love is not going to fill
  in those holes. Only the growth made possible by love is going to do that.
And  in case I wasn’t clear, falling in love is so dysfunctional that no real
love  will happen in that state of mind.

No Alternative to Love: So the reality is that, sooner or later, you are
going to have to get some real love if you’re going to be complete. That means
you’re going to be unhappy until you get it. And you may fall in love again
and
  again, each time being swept up in the euphoria and distorted thinking,
believing this time all your needs will be filled, and still not get there. If 
we
’re lucky, a falling-in-love relationship will evolve into a loving
relationship, and that will help us grow. But if you’re reading this, it 
probably didn
’t happen for you.

The great thing about real love is that it can come from anyone: from an 89
year old chemistry professor; a therapist we pay to help us; some loud mouth
on  the Internet; the author of an inspirational book. Real love is about
people,  not about sex. Real love is healthy and sustaining, so you can get it
where you  want, when you want, with whom you want. And you can keep your head
and
your  emotions with you. It is truly a healthy interaction.

We all need energy and courage invested in us to help us grow. We need
someone - and it could be someone else or we can do it ourselves - to care 
enough
to work to help us overcome our fears, learn the things we didn’t know,
unlearn the wrong things we’ve learned (that’s what I’m doing here, I
hope), and
step onto new ground. It takes time. And it is work. And it’s not very likely
to  come from falling in love.

But it is the only way to become truly happy. And the need to complete this
task will never go away. Not as long as we live. It is, in truth, the
challenge  of being human.

What to Grow? Great, you’re thinking, all I have do is fix up these hidden
and denied parts of myself --- wait a minute?! How the heck do I know what
these  parts are?

This is a hard question. Obviously once you break through the denial enough
to see the denied parts, they won’t be denied anymore. The hidden parts you
probably know, if you have the courage to look. But how?

Well, I think there may be lots of ways to get at this, but the one that I
think has been most definitive for me is the pointer of tears. I talk more
about  this in the section on Tears and Healing (p. 137). But for now let me
just
say  that, in general, things that give you a teary, hurt feeling are things
that are  about your hidden and denied aspects. I’ll give you a couple of
examples.

Example 1: Performing - I used to sit in my daughters’ ballet recitals with
tears in my eyes. There was no great mystery about it. I knew that I was
wishing  that I could perform for an audience. I was really jealous of the
opportunity my  children had. This was an undeveloped aspect of my spirit,
making its
need felt  through tears. Well, one of the activities I’ve found for myself is
a performing  sport. It’s done before an audience, and people like to watch.
I didn’t know  when I took it up that I was fulfilling a part of myself that
had been  neglected. But I was, and I know now that this is one aspect that
continues to  draw me. And I feel very different watching others perform now. I
don’t feel  jealous or sad; I relate to what they’re doing.

Example 2: Help Me! - I used to find myself welling up, almost sobbing,  when
an ambulance would pass with lights and siren. I would think about how
ambulance crews devote themselves selflessly to helping others in desperate 
need.
This had happened for a long time, but I never understood it. Now I do
understand.

I was in an unhealthy relationship for a long time. My wife controlled me
and dominated my spirit. Even as I was growing and building some new aspects of
myself, she resorted to more desperate and violent verbal attacks to beat me
down. So what does that have to do with an ambulance? I had isolated myself
from  people and from the nurturing that was around me in the world. And I
needed the  help and nurture of those people. My spirit was calling out to me,
“
Help me!”  And I wasn’t listening.

Step by Step - I know these are small things, and they’re about me, not
about you. But I bet you have a little store of situations, places, people, 
movie
scenes, or whatever, that give you similar feelings. These things are
pointing to the areas you need to develop: aspects of yourself about which you 
need
to find people willing to give to you, and help you grow.

Those people are out there. They’re teaching art classes, on Internet
support lists, at the end of the telephone line to that relative you’ve
stopped
talking to, and a thousand other places. We each have to reach out to find 
them.

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you  feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't  mind.
- Dr. Suess



Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

On Seeking Permission


© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


This Excerpt:

On Seeking Permission

[Look for Meaning from  Madness to be available in about a week: around Jan
22. It will be a great  compliment to Tears and Healing.

Seeking Permission, admittedly, is a small section dealing with a large
topic. But like all of Tears and Healing, its purpose is to challenge the status
quo, and help you open new doors in your own thinking and exploring.

I guess this can be boiled down rather simply. Sometimes people get stuck
with a particular scripture they believe is God's mandate for their lives. Yet,
the scripture was written by men long ago, and HE is always right there with
you. Why not ask Him to guide you? He will.]

On Seeking Permission

Most everyone takes marriage vows very seriously. It is ingrained in us  all
our lives to see them as the most sacred of promises. And most nons hold
their promise to their spouse as their highest commitment.

Unfortunately for some, the pain of the relationship truly tests this
commitment. When things reach the point where vows are pulling in one direction,
and our need for safety and sanity pulls in the opposite direction, it’s time
to
  seek a higher perspective. Everybody sees this a little differently, but you
  need to connect with your highest authority, and seek the most fundamental
answer to the question: Is what you are doing wrong?

Our obligation to our spouses is but one obligation among many we have. We
also have sacred obligations to nurture our children and even to love
ourselves.  To nurture our children, we must ourselves be whole and functioning.
What
are we  to do when our commitment to our marriage jeopardizes our ability to
fulfill our  commitment to our children? This is especially critical for those
nons whose  spouses are partly or totally unable to provide nurturing for their
children. If  not us, then who? Can we allow the illness of a spouse to put
our children’s  care in jeopardy?

Seeking Permission

For many nons, the situation boils down to a choice: either we keep our
commitment to our spouse and lose our own peace, and possibly even the ability 
to
care for our children; or we choose to step outside the bounds we have set in
  our marriage commitments, and take care of ourselves and our children first.
  Most of us have a very difficult time accepting the second choice. And
ultimately, to do so, we need to be granted permission to step outside the 
bounds
of our vows.

For those with strong belief in God, this can be found by seeking God’s
will. This will come through prayer, reflection, and scripture. We need to ask
whether God intends for us to suffer in this way, or whether He instead grants
us permission to care for ourselves and our children, in the face of terrible
pain, by stepping outside those vows.

For me, I find this authority within myself. I believe that my spirit
ultimately defines truth and right. I sought, through meditation and reflection,
to
connect with those most basic feelings. When I did, I found that I was freely
  granted the right to do what was right for me, to say NO to the hurtful
behavior, and to do things I thought others would disapprove of. But in fact, no
one disapproved. Ultimately, the choices I made were accepted by those around
  me.

If you allow yourself to second guess what others are saying and thinking
about you, you will almost certainly feel bad about your choices, or worse.
Remember, they don’t know the reality; they don’t know how sick your spouse
is.
In fact they probably have false data based on the “ideal” behavior that
many  disturbed spouses show in public.

You may find your highest authority through prayer, scripture, meditation,
or any other way that works for you. Only you and your highest authority can
truly assess your actions, grant you permission, and bless your choices. For
many of us, this is a task of primary importance.

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)




HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you  feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't  mind.
- Dr. Suess



Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Has anyone else seen this movie yet? I just watched it the other night and
blubbered throughout almost the entire movie (it's very disturbing in  parts),
yet, it was also VERY INSPIRING! This girl is absolutely AMAZING! I was  so
impressed by not only her academic achievements in light of her being  homeless
and having to eat out of a dumpster, but the fact that despite her  wretched
parents who abused her (in particular, her Mother was vicious) she  still
manages to be a KIND person! If you can handle the depressing scenes, I'd
recommend it for those who feel you have the odds stacked against you. It's a
motivating portrayal of what one can accomplish with nothing but sheer
determination!

Free Terri


Homeless to Harvard (2003)

Based on real-life events, this drama directed by Peter Levin tells the
inspiring story of Liz Murray (Thora Birch), a homeless teen forced to care for
herself and live on the streets when her parents lose their battle with drug
addiction. Determined to find a better future for herself, Murray goes back to
high school and manages to get her diploma, capping off her achievements by
winning a scholarship to prestigious Harvard University.




HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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Oh, what a tangled web some women weave...

Here are some examples of how female abusers knowledgeable about verbal
abuse can twist around the so-called abusive behavior in a relationship to their
advantage:

A female abuser can verbally abuse her partner (repeatedly criticize his
gender, intelligence, income, sexual performance, etc. or have an  affair on
him), and then accuse HIM of being abusive because he withholds  emotional
intimacy, affection, and/or sex from her as a means of protection.

A female abuser can refuse to work and/or misuse her partner's income (run
up credit card bills in his name behind his back, to use but one example) and
then accuse HIM of "controlling" the finances because he won't give her carte
blanche to his paychecks or credit cards anymore as a means of protection, or
  blame HIM for her not getting a job, "He won't let me work!" or "His
mistreatment of me makes me too depressed to work!" when these are not true  but
just excuses.

A female abuser can tell her partner that it's abusive for him to define  her
reality, but then SHE will completely define his (e.g., she will tell him,
"This is what you think," "This is how you feel," "This is why you say/do this
and that," and so on).

A female abuser can tell her partner that anything he chooses to withhold
from her is abusive, but anything she chooses to withhold from him is a "woman's
  right" or her "free choice."

A female abuser can repeatedly make male degrading statements  (i.e., "All
men are control freaks," "Men just aren't as smart/capable as  women," and the
like) but then accuse HIM of being a "chauvinist pig" if he  doesn't concede to
the "superiority of women." I.e., she expects him to say,  "It's true women
are smarter than men," and "Women don't have control  issues like men do, you
are right," ad nauseam.

A female abuser can label her partner the abuser, fabricate incidents of
abuse, twist the abuse around, rally friends/family behind her (under the guise
of wanting to "protect" them from the alleged abuser, or under the guise of
wanting a "support system" when confronting him on the alleged abuse, but
simply to ostracize him), give him books on abuse, et al - all in the  attempt
to
brainwash him and everyone else into believing he's the abuser when,  in
reality, SHE is the abuser.

This is done to have power/control over her victim, and not uncommonly  in
the hopes of winning a legal or custody battle, acquiring money, and/or as a
means of revenge, humiliation, and ruining the reputation of her victim.




Be who you are and say what  you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't  mind.
- Dr. Suess



Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]