On Seeking Permission


© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)


This Excerpt:

On Seeking Permission

[Look for Meaning from  Madness to be available in about a week: around Jan
22. It will be a great  compliment to Tears and Healing.

Seeking Permission, admittedly, is a small section dealing with a large
topic. But like all of Tears and Healing, its purpose is to challenge the status
quo, and help you open new doors in your own thinking and exploring.

I guess this can be boiled down rather simply. Sometimes people get stuck
with a particular scripture they believe is God's mandate for their lives. Yet,
the scripture was written by men long ago, and HE is always right there with
you. Why not ask Him to guide you? He will.]

On Seeking Permission

Most everyone takes marriage vows very seriously. It is ingrained in us  all
our lives to see them as the most sacred of promises. And most nons hold
their promise to their spouse as their highest commitment.

Unfortunately for some, the pain of the relationship truly tests this
commitment. When things reach the point where vows are pulling in one direction,
and our need for safety and sanity pulls in the opposite direction, it’s time
to
  seek a higher perspective. Everybody sees this a little differently, but you
  need to connect with your highest authority, and seek the most fundamental
answer to the question: Is what you are doing wrong?

Our obligation to our spouses is but one obligation among many we have. We
also have sacred obligations to nurture our children and even to love
ourselves.  To nurture our children, we must ourselves be whole and functioning.
What
are we  to do when our commitment to our marriage jeopardizes our ability to
fulfill our  commitment to our children? This is especially critical for those
nons whose  spouses are partly or totally unable to provide nurturing for their
children. If  not us, then who? Can we allow the illness of a spouse to put
our children’s  care in jeopardy?

Seeking Permission

For many nons, the situation boils down to a choice: either we keep our
commitment to our spouse and lose our own peace, and possibly even the ability 
to
care for our children; or we choose to step outside the bounds we have set in
  our marriage commitments, and take care of ourselves and our children first.
  Most of us have a very difficult time accepting the second choice. And
ultimately, to do so, we need to be granted permission to step outside the 
bounds
of our vows.

For those with strong belief in God, this can be found by seeking God’s
will. This will come through prayer, reflection, and scripture. We need to ask
whether God intends for us to suffer in this way, or whether He instead grants
us permission to care for ourselves and our children, in the face of terrible
pain, by stepping outside those vows.

For me, I find this authority within myself. I believe that my spirit
ultimately defines truth and right. I sought, through meditation and reflection,
to
connect with those most basic feelings. When I did, I found that I was freely
  granted the right to do what was right for me, to say NO to the hurtful
behavior, and to do things I thought others would disapprove of. But in fact, no
one disapproved. Ultimately, the choices I made were accepted by those around
  me.

If you allow yourself to second guess what others are saying and thinking
about you, you will almost certainly feel bad about your choices, or worse.
Remember, they don’t know the reality; they don’t know how sick your spouse
is.
In fact they probably have false data based on the “ideal” behavior that
many  disturbed spouses show in public.

You may find your highest authority through prayer, scripture, meditation,
or any other way that works for you. Only you and your highest authority can
truly assess your actions, grant you permission, and bless your choices. For
many of us, this is a task of primary importance.

_http://tearsandhealing.com/_ (http://tearsandhealing.com/)




HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you  feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't  mind.
- Dr. Suess



Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Has anyone else seen this movie yet? I just watched it the other night and
blubbered throughout almost the entire movie (it's very disturbing in  parts),
yet, it was also VERY INSPIRING! This girl is absolutely AMAZING! I was  so
impressed by not only her academic achievements in light of her being  homeless
and having to eat out of a dumpster, but the fact that despite her  wretched
parents who abused her (in particular, her Mother was vicious) she  still
manages to be a KIND person! If you can handle the depressing scenes, I'd
recommend it for those who feel you have the odds stacked against you. It's a
motivating portrayal of what one can accomplish with nothing but sheer
determination!

Free Terri


Homeless to Harvard (2003)

Based on real-life events, this drama directed by Peter Levin tells the
inspiring story of Liz Murray (Thora Birch), a homeless teen forced to care for
herself and live on the streets when her parents lose their battle with drug
addiction. Determined to find a better future for herself, Murray goes back to
high school and manages to get her diploma, capping off her achievements by
winning a scholarship to prestigious Harvard University.




HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who  mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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Oh, what a tangled web some women weave...

Here are some examples of how female abusers knowledgeable about verbal
abuse can twist around the so-called abusive behavior in a relationship to their
advantage:

A female abuser can verbally abuse her partner (repeatedly criticize his
gender, intelligence, income, sexual performance, etc. or have an  affair on
him), and then accuse HIM of being abusive because he withholds  emotional
intimacy, affection, and/or sex from her as a means of protection.

A female abuser can refuse to work and/or misuse her partner's income (run
up credit card bills in his name behind his back, to use but one example) and
then accuse HIM of "controlling" the finances because he won't give her carte
blanche to his paychecks or credit cards anymore as a means of protection, or
  blame HIM for her not getting a job, "He won't let me work!" or "His
mistreatment of me makes me too depressed to work!" when these are not true  but
just excuses.

A female abuser can tell her partner that it's abusive for him to define  her
reality, but then SHE will completely define his (e.g., she will tell him,
"This is what you think," "This is how you feel," "This is why you say/do this
and that," and so on).

A female abuser can tell her partner that anything he chooses to withhold
from her is abusive, but anything she chooses to withhold from him is a "woman's
  right" or her "free choice."

A female abuser can repeatedly make male degrading statements  (i.e., "All
men are control freaks," "Men just aren't as smart/capable as  women," and the
like) but then accuse HIM of being a "chauvinist pig" if he  doesn't concede to
the "superiority of women." I.e., she expects him to say,  "It's true women
are smarter than men," and "Women don't have control  issues like men do, you
are right," ad nauseam.

A female abuser can label her partner the abuser, fabricate incidents of
abuse, twist the abuse around, rally friends/family behind her (under the guise
of wanting to "protect" them from the alleged abuser, or under the guise of
wanting a "support system" when confronting him on the alleged abuse, but
simply to ostracize him), give him books on abuse, et al - all in the  attempt
to
brainwash him and everyone else into believing he's the abuser when,  in
reality, SHE is the abuser.

This is done to have power/control over her victim, and not uncommonly  in
the hopes of winning a legal or custody battle, acquiring money, and/or as a
means of revenge, humiliation, and ruining the reputation of her victim.




Be who you are and say what  you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't  mind.
- Dr. Suess



Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group  Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Are all abusers narcissistic or are all narcissists abusers?

According to Sam Vaknin:


Not all abusers are narcissists, but all narcissists are abusive.


Definition of narcissist:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/1.html

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/npdglance.html


How to spot an abuser:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse7.html


Types of stalkers:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse18.html


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Narcissists Make Lousy Long-Term Lovers

Excerpt By Alison McCook, Reuter's Health

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Despite the old adage that you must love yourself
before you love others, new research shows that too much self-love--or
narcissism--can seriously hurt your prospects of having long-term, committed
relationships.

But for narcissists, that may not necessarily be a bad thing, lead author Dr.
W. Keith Campbell of the University of Georgia in Athens told Reuters Health.


In order to maintain their dominance during romantic relationships, Campbell
and his colleagues found that many narcissists tend to resort to game-playing,
such as keeping partners uncertain about their commitment, being unfaithful
and keeping secrets.

"If you're looking for a committed relationship, it's usually a mistake" to
pair up with a narcissist, Campbell advised.

Narcissists have distinct personality traits, he said, which are often
recognizable to others. Importantly, people who are narcissistic have a very
high
opinion of themselves, deeming themselves to be smarter, more attractive and
more dominant than others, the researcher noted.

It is difficult to estimate how many people are narcissistic, Campbell added,
because the trait appears as a continuum: many people have certain
narcissistic qualities, with some having more than others, he explained.
Narcissism also
appears slightly more often in men than in women, the researcher said.

Despite the fact that narcissists may not be so fun to have around in the
long-term, Campbell added that a short-term fling might be great: narcissists
often seek attention from others, and can stretch the spotlight over to their
significant others, as well. Furthermore, people with overly high self-esteem
constantly seek validation from others, and can be quite charming to procure it,
he added.

But eventually, the power-maintaining strategies of narcissists can become
frustrating to their partners, who in most cases, will end the relationship,
Campbell explained. "People usually figure this out later, and they end the
relationship. And think--'why did I date this person?"' he said.

And for narcissists, being broken up with can be just fine, Campbell added:
often, they have already been cheating on their partners, and consequently have
another person with whom they can link up right away.

Campbell and his colleagues linked narcissism to game-playing through a
series of experiments, reported in a recent issue of the Journal of Personality
and
Social Psychology.

During the experiments, the researchers questioned between 45 and more than
100 college students about their personalities and relationship styles, as well
as those of their partners, both in previous and current relationships.

Campbell's team found that, along with being more prone to game-playing,
narcissists tend to not feel companionship and trust during a relationship, and
are often pragmatic when dealing with their partners.

Furthermore, narcissists who are inclined to play games with their partners
are also less likely to be committed to the relationship, and possibly seek out
other relationships on the side.

SOURCE: Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2002;83:340-354.


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Game-Playing Love: Narcissists

By Kim Carlyle

Dr. W. Keith Campbell is the author of the book "When You Love a Man Who
Loves Himself"


http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/140220342X/qid=1106684337/sr=1-1/r\
ef=sr_1_1/102-0004557-1307374?v=glance&s=books


For two decades, self-help books have hammered home a consistent theme for
successful romantic relationships: first, you must love yourself. A new study,
headed by a psychologist at the University of Georgia, may turn that wisdom on
its head, though.
It turns out that those with positive self-views bordering on narcissism are
usually miserable mates - selfish, manipulative, unfaithful and power hungry.
Though they may at first seem charming and interested in a relationship, they
soon look for dominance rather than delight.

"These people can come on as confident and attractive, but you don't see the
negative parts of their personalities until later," said Keith Campbell,
assistant professor of psychology at UGA. "It doesn't seem possible that they
can
betray a relationship as flagrantly as they can. But they do."

The study, co-authored with Craig Foster of the U.S. Air Force Academy and
Eli Finkel of Carnegie-Mellon University, was just published in the Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology.

Narcissism, it turns out, has many ill-starred variants, and the so-called
self-esteem movement may have been completely wrong in saying that a person who
doesn't love herself or himself can't successfully love others.

Clinical narcissism itself is a personality disorder affecting only about 1
percent of the population, but there are millions who share characteristics of
narcissists to a greater or lesser degree. In general, true narcissists think
very highly of themselves, are not very concerned with intimacy, and believe
they are unique and smarter and more attractive than others. They often
maintain these feelings by seeking and expressing superiority to or dominance
over
others.

The defining feature of those with narcissistic tendencies, the study found,
is what the researchers call "game-playing love." This is an approach in which
the narcissist has an aversion to depending on a partner, is deceptive and
often cheats. It allows a narcissist to maintain power and autonomy at the
expense of his or her partner.

Despite anecdotal evidence to the contrary, men are only slightly more likely
than women to fall into this category. Indeed, male and female narcissists
often date each other and play identical games.

The study was done using students from UGA, the University of North Carolina
and Case Western Reserve University, who in certain samples were asked to
complete a booklet containing measures of self-esteem, narcissism and love
styles.
Narcissism was measured with a standard testing tool called the Narcissistic
Personality Inventory.

"These studies don't necessarily mean that the importance granted to
narcissism by the self-help literature is invalid," said Campbell, "but this
proposition needs more clarification. There is evidence for a link between
narcissism
and loving others when narcissism is more akin to self-esteem."

Just why people with narcissistic tendencies become that way remains unclear.
It could arise from experiences in early childhood or could even have a
genetic component, but so little research has been done on narcissism that
researchers aren't sure.

Campbell believes that these people are often clueless when it comes to the
affect their behavior has on others. In fact, the studies show they rarely
think about others seriously at all and probably never consider the havoc they
are
creating in interpersonal relationships. One of the problems is that in
general people like others who appear successful and confident, and narcissists
appear that way, often to excess.

"I don't believe narcissists are more successful than others, though," said
Campbell. "One might think from their demeanor that they are, but it's just not
true from what we can tell. Somebody always pays the price for the games they
play."

These characteristics show why narcissists often find it easy to get dating
partners but rarely have long-term relationships. And it's more than a matter
of just being Mr. Wrong. They simply see no downside to creating the persona
they perceive as successful, and that success, alas, is rarely sated. People
with low opinions of themselves may be especially easy prey for narcissists.

While the study is among the first to point out that too much narcissism is
just as bad as too little, it comes with some basic caveats, Campbell said. It
relies on self-reporting for its basic data, it draws inferences from the
material that may be open to multiple interpretations and finally there is no
clear cut-off point between high narcissism and normal self-confidence, making
judgments of the data somewhat difficult.

Despite these problems, the researchers were able to augment the self-reports
with information from past and current dating partners of the participants in
the study. In every case, the strategy of game-playing was paramount, and it
led without question to serious problems in the relationships.

Viewing excessive narcissism as a problem is nothing new, of course. In Greek
myth, Narcissus saw himself as beautiful and better than those around him,
but his love of himself kept him from falling in love with anyone else. In the
end, he fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water and died.

The new study, however, is among the first to take what has been suspected
for thousands of years and subject it to a rigorous scientific experiment. As it
turns out, Narcissus probably got what was coming to him.


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

"Unless you're talking about severe cases, it does not make much sense to
talk about who is the abuser and who is the victim. Most people can more or less
take on both roles at different times, or can take on a different role with a
different partner. No matter which role they are in, victims and abusers are
not being fair to themselves, let alone to their partner.�" DR Irene

http://www.drirene.com/quandary.htm

�


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Victim's Stages of Recovery
by Dr. Irene

March 12, 2000
Recovery from codependent victimhood usually occurs in a series of often
overlapping stages. Here is a rough outline of what you may expect, though each
individual is different:

DUH... Denial Stage. The victim is relatively brain dead here. Your energy is
spent on justifying your abuser, working overtime to "make him or her happy,"
and hiding the truth from yourself. You often pay with physical and / or
emotional symptoms. Your self-esteem is non-existent.

UGH! Shock & Disbelief Stage. The victim doesn't know which end is up! You
have just learned about abuse and are shocked to realize that your relationship
may be abusive! You need validation and support. You are just learning to
trust your senses.

Advice: This is the time to "do nothing." Simply become aware of what is
going on, and notice how you feel about it. This is not the time to stand up to
your abuser. You are getting ready to do that down the road. Pay attention and
become increasingly aware. Read books like The Verbally Abusive Relationship
and� The Gift of Fear.

OOOPS! Anger Stage. There is a sharp sense of outrage over what has been
happening! Your victim's buttons are all showing! You are angry, defensive,
blaming, and full of guilt now - and you are internally fighting all of it! If
you
are at all impulsive, without realizing, you are likely to act out and behave
as abusively as your abuser!� Oooops!

Advice: Don't act out! You are right to be angry, but realize you don't know
how to effectively stand up to your abuser yet. You are probably acting out
towards those whom you perceive as weaker than yourself. This is the time to sit
with your feelings, and do nothing - until you know what you need to do.

Read books to help you with your anger like Harriet Lerner's The Dance of
Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing The Patterns of Intimate Relationships� and
Change Your Life Now: Powerful Techniques for Positive Change and start reading
assertion books like Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No and Your Perfect
Right. Assertion skills are very important!

Warning: Don't get stuck in this stage. Your job is to listen to your anger's
message, but chill before you act - so that when you do act, you act
effectively. Watch the defensiveness. You don't need it - since there is nothing
to
defend!

YIPPEE! Personal Responsibility Stage. Finally. You are very clear on what's
going on, you are able to stand up to your abuser. You may have left. You have
developed adequate self-control skills and are less likely to be provoked!

Above all, you increasingly recognize that you are in control of your life -
and that you do not have the power to make another person happy or miserable.
You realize that your abuser is a victim too, but you know it is up to them to
fix themselves - if they want. You feel great about yourself!

Advice: Continue increasing your wonderful skills! Read books that target
your weak areas, remain aware, and Monday morning quarterback situations which
you wished you had handled differently. The next time something like the last
yukkily-handled situation comes up, you will be better prepared.

Warning: This stage is highly addictive. Congratulations and enjoy yourself!
Your personal power will grow with practice and you will become increasingly
adept at handling life's dilemmas. You may get so good at running your life,
you find that you only rarely Monday morning quarterback situations anymore. You
find yourself just intuitively handling them! Yippee!



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

When Victims Become Narcissists 

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

Some people here - and on my mailing lists - adopt the role of a professional
victim. In doing so, they become self-centred, devoid of empathy, and abusive
and exploitative. In other words, they become narcissists. The role of
"professional victims" - ones whose existence and very identity is defined
solely
and entirely by their victimhood - is well researched in victimology. It doesn't
make for a nice reading. These victim "pros" are often more cruel, vengeful,
vitriolic, discompassionate and violent than their abuser. They make a career
of it. They identify with this role to the exclusion of all else. It is a
danger to be avoided. And this is precisely what I called "Narcissistic
Contagion"
or "Narcissism by Proxy".

These affected entertain the (false) belief they can compartmentalize their
narcissistic behaviour and direct it only at the narcissist. In other words,
they trust in their ability to segregate their behaviour patterns: verbally
abusive towards the narcissist - civil with others, act with malice where the
narcissist is concerned - and with Christian charity towards all others. They
cling to the "faucet theory". They believe that they can turn on and off their
negative feelings, their abusive outbursts, their vindictiveness and
vengefulness, their blind rage, their non-discriminating judgement. This, of
course, is
untrue. These behaviours spill over, into daily transactions with innocent
others. One cannot be partly or temporarily vindictive and judgemental any more
than one can be partly or temporarily pregnant. To their horror, these victims
discover that they have been transmuted and transformed into their worst
nightmare: into a narcissist.

I said that narcissism is contagious and that many victims tend to become
narcissists themselves: malevolent, vicious, lacking empathy, egotistical,
exploitative, violent and abusive.


From my FAQs (42 and 46):

http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/faq42.ht... "Question: Is Narcissism
"contagious"? Can one "catch" Narcissism by being in the presence of a
Narcissist?

Answer: The psychiatric profession uses the word: "epidemiology" when it
tackles the statistical measures of prevalence of psychopathologies. There is
some
merit in examining the incidence of personality disorders in the general
population. Some of them might be genetically induced. Most of them are,
probably,
influenced by the cultural context of the society in which they are
manifested. But are personality disorders communicable diseases?

The answer is more complex than a simple "yes" or "no".

Personality Disorders are not contagious in the restricted, rigorous, medical
sense. They are not communicated by pathogens from one individual to another.
They lack many of the basic features of physical-biological epidemics. Still,
they are communicated.

First, there is the direct, interpersonal, influence. A casual encounter with
a Narcissist is likely to leave a bad aftertaste, bewilderment, hurt, or
anger. But these transient reactions have no lasting effect and they fade with
time. Not so with more prolonged interactions: marriage, partnership,
co-existence, cohabitation, working or studying together and the like.
Narcissism brushes
off. Our reactions to the Narcissist, the initial ridicule, the occasional
rage, or the frustration – tend to accumulate and form the sediment of
deformity. Gradually, the Narcissist distorts the personalities of those he is
in
constant touch with, casts them in his defective mould, limits them, redirects
them, and inhibits them. When sufficiently cloned, the Narcissist will use the
effected personalities as Narcissistic proxies, Narcissistic vehicles of
vicarious Narcissism.

The Narcissist provokes in us emotions, which are predominantly negative and
unpleasant. The initial reaction, as we said, is likely to be ridicule. The
Narcissist, pompous, incredibly self centered, falsely grandiose, spoiled and
strange (even his manner of speech is likely to be constrained and archaic) –
often elicits smirks in lieu of admiration. But the entertainment value is fast
eroded. The Narcissist's behaviour becomes tiresome, irksome and cumbersome.
Ridicule is supplanted by ire and, then, by anger and by rage. His inadequacies
are so glaring and his denial and other defense mechanisms so primitive –
that we feel like constantly screaming at him, berating, debasing and
reproaching
him, even to the point of striking at him literally as well as figuratively.
Ashamed at these reactions, we begin to also feel guilty. We find ourselves
attached to a mental pendulum, swinging between repulsion and guilt, rage and
pity, lack of empathy and remorse.

Slowly we acquire the very characteristics of the Narcissist that we so
deplore. We become as tactless as he is, as devoid of empathy and of
consideration,
as ignorant of the emotional composition of other people, as one track
minded. Bathing in the sick halo of the Narcissist – we are "blessed". The
Narcissist invades our personality. He makes us react the way he would have
liked to,
had he dared, or had he known how (a mechanism known as "Projective
Identification"). We are exhausted by his eccentricity, by his extravagance, by
his
grandiosity, by his constant claims. The Narcissist incessantly, adamantly, even
aggressively makes demands upon his environment. He is addicted to his
Narcissistic supply: admiration, adoration, approval, attention. He feels
entitled. He
forces others to lie to him and over-rate his achievements, his talents, his
merits. Living in a Narcissistic fantasy land, he imposes on his nearest or
dearest to join him there, however incommensurate the exercise, either with
their
personality, or with reality.

The resulting exhaustion, desperation and weakening of the will – are fully
taken advantage of by the Narcissist. Through these reduced defenses he
charges, and, like a Trojan Horse, spews forth his lethal charge. Imitation and
emulation of his personality traits by his surroundings are but two of the
weapons
in his never dwindling, always creative, arsenal. But he does not recoil from
using fear and intimidation. He coerces people around him by making subtle
uses of processes such as reinforcement and conditioning. Seeking to avoid the
unpleasant consequences of not succumbing to his wishes – people would rather
comply with his demands and be subjected to his whims. Not to confront his rages
– they "cut corners", pretend, participate in his charade, lie, and become
subsumed in his grandiose fantasies. Rather than be aggressively nagged, they
reduce themselves, minimize their personalities, and place themselves in the
shadow cast by the Narcissist, however small. By doing all this – they delude
themselves that they have escaped the worst consequences.

But the worst is yet to come. The Narcissist is confined, constrained,
restrained and inhibited by the unique structures of his personality and of his
disorder. There are many behaviours in which he cannot engage, many reactions
and
actions "prohibited", many desires stifled, many fears predominant. The
Narcissist uses others to give an outlet to all these repressed emotions and
behaviour patterns. Having invaded their personalities, having altered them by
methods of attrition and erosion, having made them compatible with his own,
having
attained submission by his victims – he moves on to occupy the spaces created
by him from inside their shells. Then he makes them do what he always dreamt of
doing, what he often desired, what he constantly feared of engaging in.

Using the same compelling methods, he drives his mates, spouse, partners,
colleagues, children, or coworkers – into collaborating in the expression of
the
repressed side of his personality. At the same time, he negates the vague
sensation that their personality has been substituted by his when committing
these
acts. The Narcissist can, thus, derive, vicariously, through the lives of
others, the Narcissistic supply that he so needs. He induces in them criminal,
romantic, heroic, impulses. He navigates them to forbidden realms of the
intellect. He makes them travel far, travel fast, travel light, be themselves
against
all norms, gamble against all odds, fear not, tread not – in short: be what
he can never be. And he thrives on the attention, admiration, fascination, or
horrified reactions lavished upon his proxies. He consumes the Narcissistic
supply flowing through the human conduits of his own making. Such a Narcissist
is
likely to use sentences like "I made him", "He was nothing before he met me",
"He is my creation", "She learned everything she knows from me and at my
expense", and so on.

Sufficiently detached – both emotionally and from the point of view of legal
liability – the Narcissist flees the scene when the going gets tough. Often,
these behaviours, acts and emotions induced by the proximity to the Narcissist
–
  bring about harsh consequences to their perpetrators. These consequences
need not necessarily be disastrous, but an emotional crisis can be as calamitous
as a physical or material catastrophe. A catastrophe is bound to happen
because the Narcissist's prey is not equipped to deal with the crises that are
the
Narcissist's daily bread and which, now, are delegated and relegated to his
proxy. The behaviour and emotions induced by the Narcissist are alien to the
perpetrator and a cognitive dissonance usually ensues. This only aggravates the
situation. But the Narcissist is, usually, not there to watch his invaded
victims writhe in pain. At the first sign of trouble, he flees and disappears.
This
act of vanishing need not be physical or geographical. The Narcissist is
better at disappearing emotionally and at evading his legal obligations (despite
high moral talk). It is then and there that the people who surround the
Narcissist discover his true colors: he uses and discards people in an
absentminded
manner. To him, people are either "functional" and "useful" to his pursuit of
Narcissistic supply – or not human at all, dimensionless cartoons. Of all the
hurts that the Narcissist can inflict – this, probably, is the strongest and
most enduring one."

http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/faq46.ht...

"...This powerful combination of branding and evidencing is what gives rise
to the "Narcissistic Contagion". This is the ability of the Narcissist to
objectify people and to anthropomorphesize objects in order to derive the
maximum
Narcissistic supply from them. The Narcissist is a pathogen. He transforms his
human and non-human environments alike. On the one hand, he would invest as
much affection and emotions in an inanimate object as healthier people would in
a human being – if this object were a Narcissistic Handle. On the other hand,
people around him are transformed by him and become timid or rebellious,
paranoid or phobic, depressed or manic. They are reduced not only in the eyes of
the Narcissist – but in reality and in their own eyes – to functions, to
objects. In their effort to satisfy the need of the Narcissist to exist – they
very
often neglect their own needs. They feel that something is sick and wrong in
their lives. But they are so entrapped, so much part of the Narcissist's
personal mythology that they cannot cut loose. Manipulated through guilt,
leveraged
through fear – they are but a shadow of their former selves. They have
contracted the disease of Narcissism. They have been infected and poisoned. They
have
been branded."

More about this topic here:

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/...

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissist...

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/verb...

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/spou...





     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Abuser is the Victim?

By DR Irene

http://drirene.com


The initial assessment of a new case is like reading a good mystery. I'm
never sure how the story will unfold.

The plot thickens when I interview a self-proclaimed victim with a long tale
detailing abuse endured at the hands of their partner. Sometimes it is true.
Other times it is really the other way around. Sometimes it is both ways
around.

Will the real victim please stand up? One tip-off: the "real" victim is
usually insecure, unsure of themselves, and confused. Usually, the angrier and
more
acting out (e.g., screaming, etc.) they behave, the more responsible they
feel. Usually, but not always...

One young woman I work with was miserable that her wonderful husband wanted
to leave her.� She couldn't really blame him for wanting to leave because she
was so awful. She admitted to angry and cutting outbursts that she could not
control. In fact, she was coming to accept one assessment that she was in the
multiple personality disorders camp, the result of an incestuous childhood.�
This hypothesis would explain her fiery quick temper and poor memory. When she
brought in her husband, he was exactly as she described him: "wonderful." She
told me I would love him. "Everybody loves Peter,"� she promised.

Peter proceeded to describe the abuse he put up with over the years and why
he would no longer tolerate it. Anyone else would have jumped ship long ago, he
thought. Despite all he does for his wife, Ariel cannot help but turn around
and bite his head off for "no reason". He'd had it and was not sure he wanted
to stay in the marriage. She agreed with him, but hoped that with treatment,
her anger would mitigate enough for him to stay.

I did think Peter was a cool guy -� except for how he treated his wife: with
thinly veiled contempt.� Neither Peter nor Ariel were aware of the abuse, but
she clearly reacted. Like a finely tuned engine, Ariel blew up or cried each
time Peter tapped her gas pedal.

Months later: Ariel is much less confused, much less angry, and more in
control of her life. She is also clear on how much abuse she took from her
husband!
This tough, pretty little lady saw how she bent over backwards for others.
Doing for, and making excuses for, and protecting the feelings of, and putting
up with, and putting up with, and putting up with. As her vision cleared, she
began cleaning up her act. She still loves Peter, but is she entirely unwilling
to accept his verbal and emotional abuse or his neglect of her emotional
needs, acts that she had come to regard as "normal."

More months later: Well, Peter cleaned up his act. Really! He dumped his
acting out behavior for the most part. Ariel did not. Cannot. In fact, she's
having the worstt time trying to treat Peter with a reasonable amount of
respect.
"He is annoying," "He is this, that and the other thing." Things should be done
her way, because it is a better way. Oh boy...

Ariel is now aware of her anger issues. She has middling control over her
moods, even with the antidepressants which have helped her so very much. The
good
news: her sense of inner shame and un-OK-ness is beginning to dwindle,
allowing her self-awareness to become keener.

What's going on?

Peter initially presented as the abuser. He was not fully aware of his anger
and had little idea he was acting out. Peter historically had been the
mild-mannered guy who put up with his wife's stuff for many, many years. His
release.
In therapy, he got in touch with his anger - and was in a full-fledged angry
abuse spree when I first met him.

I wasn't sure who was who, but thought he was the "real" abuser initially.
But, I changed my mind when I saw how he was able to get his act together - and
very quickly - once his misbehavior was pointed out to him. On the other hand,
Ariel, the initial abuser, then apparent victim, now seems to be the "real"
abuser.

How Can This Be?

Ariel and Peter are both products of dysfunctional homes. Unlike more clear
cut and polarized cases, this couple is more the norm. In their partnership,
each is capable of alternately playing the codependent and abusive role, though
I suspect Ariel is more capable of abuse than is Peter, judging by how well he
cleaned up his act. Personally, I think this couple is so well-matched, I
call them "soul mates." I'm really rooting for them.

In most cases, abuse is relative. Ariel and Peter are "opponents," able to
switch off playing classic co-dependent and classic counter-dependent roles.�
They were both hurt as children. Yet, they were both taught to be caretakers.
Neither learned to take good care of themselves.

My Take:

Each partner has some work to do. Perhaps Ariel must gain respect for her mom
who put up with her dad. Perhaps Peter is still trying to win his parents'
love. Whatever. A broken piece exists in each individual that can be mended only
when the partner fixes themselves enough to give the other individual the
space they need to fix themselves. This process is beautifully described by
Harville Hendrix in his Imago Therapy. Problem is...who fixes themselves first?�
(The smartest one, I think.)


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Male Victim

by Roger Eldridge

Printed from http://www.menweb.org/batultra.htm

Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

� 1999 by Bert H. Hoff and Roger Easterbrooks
(http://www.ultra-sensitive.com/)

Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and
tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not?
Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May
we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific
permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

Know a man who may be battered? Print out this page and give it to him.
Often, it'll be enough to get him to talk to you about it -- if not right away,
perhaps in a bit. And talking to another man about it is the first step in
healing -- in survival.

Remember: TV star and comedian Phil Hartman never talked about his marital
problems, either, except to joke about having to leave the house when his wife
was mad. He told everyone the marriage was wonderful -- as so many men do.

������
The Male Victim

Roger Eldridge

The vast majority of recorded incidents of domestic violence are of men on
women. Society, although aware of the male victim, treats him as a joke. In
reality he is a man in fear, a man in isolation, a man stigmatised as weak. Why?
Because he does not conform to the stereotypical male image. In law, a male
victim faces two obstacles; firstly to prove he is a victim, and secondly, to
ensure that his children are protected and do not become the new victims. Men
very often remain in an abusive relationship for the sake and protection of
their
children.

Most men react by staying silent. Often this silence is encouraged by factors
such as fear of ridicule and, the realisation that it is unlikely his partner
will be evicted. Even when a man has proved he is the victim it seems his
only course of action is to leave the home. He is then separated from his
children and often experiences difficulty in obtaining realistic and regular
contact
with them. He is in fact treated as the perpetrator rather than the victim.


Fighting the Myths

Modern medicine is aware of certain conditions which may cause people to be
violent but we expect such sufferers to seek help or medical treatment. Men are
expected to take responsibility for violence and abuse but no excuses are
accepted. Yet when a female is violent society provides a list of excuses:
Post-natal depression, stress, PMS, eating disorders, personality disorders,
menopause, addictions, childhood traumas, provocation, self-defence etc.
Although
most men will be sensitive to these problems, they should not have to suffer
violence as a consequence.

When a woman is violent and abusive in a relationship, it is not necessarily
assumed that she is a bad mother. If a man is violent towards his partner, it
is automatically assumed that he is an unfit parent. The law presumes that the
children are almost always better off with their mother. Consequently the
only options for men seem to be to put up with the abuse or to leave the home,
since under the law there is no real protection for them.

If a male victim seeks help, society should offer the same protection and
help to him and his children as is given to female victims. Women should be
judged by the same standards as men, and women who are violent should be held
legally responsible for their actions.


How Men Cope

Men in abusive relationships employ various methods to attempt to diffuse

potentially violent situations:

They may:


go into another room or lock themselves away in a safe place

leave the dwelling, go to family or friends (but tell no-one the real reason)

sleep in their car, shed, garage or wherever they can find shelter

promise to do whatever she asks or demands

accept responsibility for all sorts of untrue accusations

cover up for their violent partner


These are all survival tactics but will not stop the attacks. However, most
men will do anythmg in the vain hope of stopping the abuse. What they fail to
do is record the incidents, injuries or pattern of events. They fail to tell
any family members of the situation and make excuses for their injuries even
vrhen they attend the hospital or the doctor. They fear the humiliation and
stigma of disclosure even when the abuse is life-threatening.


How Society Reacts

If men attempt to report incidents of abuse they are met with blatant
discrimination, disbelief, gender bias and comments such as the following:


"You must have done something terrible to her to deserve this ..."

"Look at the size of you! Maybe she was just defending herself."

"We can't arrest her - what about the children? "

or

"Why don't you just leave?"

"Give her time to calm down. "


Society seems to want these men to go away because there is no simple
solution to their plight and there are no support systems in place to deal with
them.

What men should do:


Always keep a record of dates and times of incidents.

Always report the violence to your doctor and to the Gardai - ensure that
they record your injuries and all the details of the assault.

Always seek medical attention for any injuries -- do not cover up the true
cause.

Always take legal advice.

Do tell your family and friends what is happening to you.

Do not be provoked into retaliating.


Victims' Comments

She said "You realise I could kill you and get away with it". She slept with
the knife under the pillow.

"I am 80 years old come Christmas. I am blind. I obtained a protection order
against her. She laughed at it and the beatings have increased".

"My little darling is 4'11", I am 6'2". The Gardai suggested I go home and
sort her out myself."

"As I put away the shopping she stabbed me in the back with a 7" knife. I was
put on life support. It was several days before my family knew whether I
would survive."

"I'm a doctor. Who do I talk to? Who is going to believe me?"

"My hair has been pulled out in tufts. I am not allowed to wash before going
to work in the morning. She is obsessively jealous even though it is she who
is having the affairs."

"I am 84 years old. My wife is 75. The violence has gone on for 40 years and
has become progressively worse."

"She beat myself and the children. I took out protection on the children. She
promptly got an interim barring order on me. The Gardai removed me from my
home. For God's sake I was the victim! Who will protect my children now?"


Male Victims

come from all walks of life, social backgrounds and cultures.


Male Victims

suffer society's stigma for not protecting themselves.


Male Victims

become depressed in their isolation, feel suicidal and sometimes take their
own lives without disclosure.


Male Victims

are victimised because they fail to conform to the Macho man stereotype.


Male Victims

are perceived as wimps.


Male Victims

are disbelieved because they are men.


Male Victims

are refused the status of victim.


Male Victims

are caring, sensitive men, good fathers and providers. They want help for the
abuser not further abuse from society and the caring agencies.


Male Victims

are removed from or asked to leave their homes because it is the easy option.


Male Victims

have no support systems in place. They have no "listening ear".


"Society does not have the right to discriminate against a victim of domestic
violence because of their gender".



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Many times, it's our past wounds that keep us from forming healthy
relationships in our present. And we can unknowingly participate in this, by
using our
wounds as some sort of definition of who we are. Carolyn Myss refers to this as
Woundology.
Here is a link to an excellent article addressing the subject.

http://partners.nytimes.com/books/f.../myss-heal.html



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Controlling Behavior and Other Symptoms of Codependency

Controlling Behavior: Codependents try to control events and people through
helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or
domination. They are afraid to let people be who they are or let events happen
naturally. They've lived in so many situations in which they had no control
(abuse,
alcoholism, etc.) that they now try to control everything and get frustrated
and angry when they cannot. They end up feeling controlled by events. They feel
controlled by others. They resist change as if change were a contagion.


Sexual Problems: Codependents go through cycles in the bedroom. They are
caretakers there too. They have sex when they don't want to or withdraw sex to
punish their partner. They try to have sex when they are hurt or angry, and
refuse to enjoy it. They withdraw emotionally from their partner, feel revulsion
toward their partner, and don't want to talk about it. They reduce sex to a
technical act, wonder why they don't enjoy it; lose interest; make up reasons to
abstain, wish their partner would die, go away, or guess what is wrong with
them; they have strong sexual fantasies about others and consider having
affairs.


Low Self Worth: Codependents tend to come from troubled, dysfunctional
families, and some will deny this to the very end. They blame themselves for
their
family's shortcomings. They blame themselves for everything. They pick on
themselves constantly: not intelligent enough, not pretty enough, not smart
enough,
not athletic enough, not good enough. But if another criticizes them, boy do
they get defensive and angry, not to mention self-righteous.

Don't try to give a codependent a compliment; they reject all compliments and
praise, even though they get depressed from lack of compliments and praise.
They feel "different" from the rest of the world. They reject themselves, but
fear rejection. Everything is taken personally, they love being the victim
(though will deny it with their last breath).

They have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, abandonment,
neglect, and/or alcoholism. They feel like victims, carry lots of guilt and
shame, and think their lives are not worth living. They should have done this,
should have done that. They "should" themselves to death. Codependents say,
"Why me?" on the outside, and know "why me" on the inside. While trying to prove
to others that they are good enough, to themselves they are worthless and
empty.


Lack of Trust/Misplaced Trust: Codependents do not trust themselves, their
feelings, their decisions, other people, or even God. And then, right out of the
blue, they'll trust someone who is totally untrustworthy.


Dependency: Codependents do not feel happy or content with themselves. They
look to others to supply them their happiness or their needs. They are
threatened by the loss of anything or any person that provides them with their
happiness.

They do NOT love themselves. They did not feel loved by their parents. They
equate love with pain and believe others are never, ever there for them. They
need people more than they want them; their lives revolve around someone else's
life; they tolerate abuse; feel trapped; leave one bad relationship and jump
into another bad relationship. They wonder if they will ever find true love.
And if they do find true love, they will leave that and find a loveless
relationship because deep inside (often beneath consciousness) they feel
unworthy of
love.


Repression: Most codependents repress their own needs, their own desires.
They are afraid to let themselves be who they are and often appear rigid and
controlled. They repress all thoughts of self worth out of their awareness and
they are full of guilt. Codependents cannot have fun.


Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Codependents worry. They worry about the
slightest and silliest things: they worry that people are talking about them;
they
worry that people are not talking about them; they lose sleep over little
things; they check up on others; they try to catch people in the act; they never
find any answers, they focus on other's problems; they spend money
compulsively; eat or drink compulsively; and wonder why they have no energy and
why they
never get anything done.


Poor Boundaries: Codependents say they won't tolerate something from anyone,
and then engage themselves in exactly that. Then they gradually increase their
tolerance levels till they can tolerate most anything others do to them.

They allow others to hurt them, over and over and over again. They stay in
bad relationships for all the wrong reasons: to fix the other; for the kids
(like kids need to grow up in a loveless relationship); because things will get
better; and worst of all: because they feel they deserve to live in hell.

They complain and blame but far too many never get away from their abuser.
Then they finally get angry and become totally intolerant and the cycle begins
all over again.


Poor Communication Skills: Codependents blame, threaten, coerce, beg, bribe,
and advise others. They don't mean what they say and don't say what they mean.
They don't take themselves seriously and expect others to do the same. They
avoid getting to the point, asking indirectly for attention by sighing, crying,
or moping around. They say everything is their fault. They say nothing is
their fault. They can't get to the point, and if pressed, they're not sure what
the point really is. They believe their opinions do not matter and have
difficulties asserting their rights or expressing honest emotions, openly and
appropriately. They apologize for bothering people.


Denial: Codependents avoid their own issues, often claiming they don't have
any, but everyone else around them does. They ignore problems or pretend they
do not exist. They pretend things are not as bad as they are; they tell
themselves it will get better; they stay busy to avoid thinking about things;
they
get confused, sick, depressed and visit doctors for a prescription. Many are
workaholics. They lie to themselves and others. They believe their lies.

And most of all, codependents will leave a healthy situation (by lying to
themselves that it was an unhealthy situation) and get back into an unhealthy
situation; though for the most part, most codependents either never leave an
unhealthy situation/relationship, or they go from one unhealthy
situation/relationship to another.


Caretaking: the Codependent individual feels responsible for other people.
S/He feels anxious and even guilty when another has a problem. S/He feels
compelled to help that person solve their problem. S/He anticipates the other's
needs and feels angry when his help is not effective or rebuffed.

At the same time, the Codependent feels slighted that others won't help
her/him out when s/he needs help. However, this same individual who is
constantly
doing way too much for others, and not getting "any" help from anyone, will
usually answer when asked what is wrong or what do you need, responds, "Oh,
nothing." The Codependent minimizes his/her own worth. The Codependent is
his/her
own worst enemy.

The Codependent is over committed, harried, pressured, feels safe when
giving, but insecure when someone gives to him/her, goes out of her/his way to
help
others, and believes deep inside that other people are responsible for the way
they are and will blame others for the "spot" they are in. Others make them
feel the way they feel, they are victimized, angry, unappreciated, and used.
Others are driving them crazy.

For well over four years we have advertised at this site for someone willing
to help write an article on codependency. We got around a dozen responses, but
that was it: just an initial response and then nothing.

Symptoms of Codependency include overextending oneself and difficulty in
following a project through. So, it soon became apparent that while we were
going
to get responses, we weren't really going to find anyone to help write this.
We would have to do it alone.

So, here goes:

Codependency is a terrible term. It has endless connotations that have
nothing to do with the disorder. Codependency itself is such a broad dysfunction
that it is extremely hard to define in concise terms. However, one therapist and
friend summed up the condition thus: "I only wanted to be loved." Another
simple definition that works is, "Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship
with the self."

Codependents can be extremely responsible or irresponsible, they become
martyrs, sacrificing their own happiness. They find it difficult to be happy,
feel
close to others, or have fun and be spontaneous. They are passive aggressive,
feeling passive, hurt, helpless yet violent and angry. They laugh when they
want to cry. They are ashamed of their families, of their relationships. They
cover up, lie, and protect their family from their problems. They don't seek
help because they don't feel the problem is all that bad. And then they wonder
why the problems never go away.


From Bad to Worse

Progressively, if the codependent does not get help, the symptoms above just
get worse. The codependent becomes lethargic and depressed and eventually
withdraw and isolate themselves. Their daily routine falls by the wayside. They
abuse or neglect the people who depend on them, mostly, their children. They
feel utterly hopeless and initiate plans to escape. They contemplate suicide.
They become violent, or seriously mentally or physically ill. They develop an
eating (drinking or drug) disorder.


Summary:

Not all codependents have all of the above symptoms. If you have just 20% of
the above symptoms, you can consider yourself a codependent. If you have 5 to
10% of the above symptoms, you are normal. Normal people are, at times,
codependent. Even normal people can use a bit of therapy, a bit of healing.

We are all, in many ways, self-destructive. None of us came from the Cleaver
Family, Father does not know best, and our mothers were never as perfect as
Donna Reed.

The worst thing about being codependent is that the codependent wastes
her/his life. The next worst thing about being codependent is we pass it on to
our
children, and in them, our symptoms are hugely magnified.


Origins:

The one question is how did we get this way?

Prolonged exposure to oppression is the key here. As Earnie Larson states in
his books and lectures (I'm paraphrasing here): "What we live with we learn;
what we learn we practice; what we practice becomes habit; our habits have
consequences."

All of these behaviors are "learned." They can be unlearned.

Everything boils down to this: we have little self worth; our happiness is
found outside of ourselves.

However, Earnie Larson has one more wonderful phrase that really sums up the
codependent's situation or dilemma: "If nothing changes, nothing changes."

We, the codependent, must DO something to initiate healing. It won't come
from outside. It just doesn't happen. If nothing changes, nothing changes.


Healing Codependency:

Most people do not heal their codependency on their own. Let us face it, with
all these symptoms flaring up, especially the denial, who could possibly see
a way out?

Most codependents are slapped upside the head by a friend: "Hey, you need
help!"

We do need help. We need the experience of others who have broken the cycles.
We need a good therapist to help us see the light. We need friends who are
open and honest with us. We need to sit and read a bit about ourselves, our
problems, and the way out. Most of all, we need to know that we can be healed.
This is NOT a permanent situation. But each person has to recognize the problem,
admit to it, and then find the tools to help end it.

The first and most important thing for a codependent to learn is that
Happiness is inside of us, not something outside. A good relationship is good,
not
because of the person we love, but because of the person we are. One person does
not a relationship make.

Healing codependency is often referred to as "shifting our relationship with
ourselves." Codependents must learn to accept their powerlessness over people
and events. Recovery for a codependent is like recovery from alcohol or drug
addiction and the same 12-step model is oftentimes employed: Let Go. Let God.

The codependent must sometimes "fire" the people in their lives. If they are
not willing to work through their issues, then we have to "fire" them and move
on ourselves. But we must keep in mind that this is about us, not them.
Recovery means learning to take responsibility for our own actions, issues,
feelings, behaviors, and our lives.

Recovery is not easy. Letting go of the need to control people, places,
events is not easy. It is highly recommended to find a Codependent Anonymous
(CoDA)
group and attend regularly. Meetings, therapy, talking to fellow
codependents, and reading and just plain being aware of our feelings and
thoughts will
ultimately set us free from our self-defeating patterns; from our fear and
shame.
Letting go of caretaking and all the energy expended in that full-time effort
frees up our energies to more constructive things. Below are links to more
information, a place to locate a CoDA meeting, and further reading.

But finally know this: Your author has been through his own bouts with
codependency. Hardly any of us are untouched by this. Healing is not only
possible,
it is wonderfully exhilarating. Once we step out of our destructive patterns,
anything is possible. In a letter to a friend once, I wrote the following that
I want to share with you.

Old problems are much more comfortable than new solutions. But always keep in
mind, that life begins on the edge of your comfort zone.

Trust and listen to your intuition. If you listen to your mind, you will hear
only the same old crap it's been spewing for years. Unless you heal your
past, your life, and recover from the abuse (self-inflicted and other-inflicted)
your mind will not be your friend. Listen to your heart. Go with the flow.

According to A Course in Miracles, we come from either a place of fear or a
place of love. From a place of love, we can do no wrong. From a place of fear,
every action is a mistake. Fill your heart with love and you will surpass even
your highest expectations.

2003 Wellness Directory of Minnesota



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Detachment and Codependency

Adapted from Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie

Most codependents are attached to the people and problems in their
environments.

Attachment is becoming overly-involved and can take several forms:

* We may react instead of choosing how we will respond in a situation (our
physical, emotional, and mental energy is attached). (Don't react, remove
yourself from the situation if it is escalating.)

* We may become obsessed with and controlling of people and problems in our
life (our energy is directed at the object of our obsession).

* We may become excessively worried about, or preoccupied with a problem or
person (our mental energy is attached).

* We may become emotionally dependent on the people around us.

* We may become caretakers, rescuers, or enablers to the people around us
firmly attaching ourselves to their need for us.


Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos and the people
around us as well.

If we are focusing all our energy on people and problems, we will have little
time for the business of taking care of our own needs.

We forfeit our power, our ability to think, feel, and act and we lose
control.

When we are obsessed with another human being, we cannot think objectively.

We not only have a problem or person that is bothering us, it is controlling
us.


What is Detachment?

Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawl; a resigned, despairing
acceptance of whatever is thrown our way.

We are not unaffected by people and problems, we cannot ignore our
responsibilities to ourselves and others by severing our relationships with
others.

Detachment is releasing or detaching from a person or problem with love.

We find it necessary to mentally, emotionally, and physically remove
ourselves from unhealthy or painful entanglements with another person's life and
responsibilities.

Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for
himself or herself and that we can't solve problems that aren't ours, and that
worry
is not helpful.

We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other peoples responsibilities.

We allow other people to experience the consequences of their actions.

And we stop trying to change things we can't fix.

We try to focus on what is good in our own lives.

Detachment is living in the moment; living in the here and now.

We cannot live in the past and we cannot change it.

We must learn to "accept the things we cannot change" and to "change the
things we can".


Detaching does not mean we don't care, it means we care enough to "let go and
let God" take care of the details.

We learn how to make good decisions, and how to develop healthy relationships
with others.

The rewards of detachment are the freedom to live our own lives without
feeling guilty or responsible for others. We learn to mind our own business.

Many people who have chosen to live with serious problems such as alcoholism,
drug addiction or a severely handicapped child have learned to cope with
these problems.

They have grieved their losses and found a way not to live in resignation,
martyrdom or despair but with a true sense of gratitude to the 12-Step programs
available. They have learned to take care of themselves and have improved
their self-esteem through the use of self-help books and programs.

We learn to detach by using a three-part formula from Alcoholics Anonymous
and Al-Anon: through Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to try to abide by the
12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Many different organizations use the Steps and
Traditions.

"We need to detach when it is the least likely or possible thing to do."

Adapted from Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, (c) 1987.



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Codependent Love Addicts, Obsessive Love Addicts, and More!

Fascinating article you can read at:

http://drirene.com/obsessed_love.htm



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Coping With Difficult People - By Keith Levick, Ph.D.

We work with, play with, service‚ or are related to difficult people.
Difficult people yell, explode, and try to intimidate you. If your life is free
from
these hostile and manipulative people, read no further. However, the
probability of encountering these people is extremely likely. Although the
difficult
people make up 3-5% of the population, they create over 50% of the everyday
problems!

Certainly, we all can be miserable, hostile and basically pretty unpleasant
at times. But difficult people are this way all the time. A brief encounter
with a difficult person leaves one angry, frustrated, and demoralized. These
people go right for the jugular vein. The negative behavioral patterns they
learned are used strategically to wear you down. Their only objective is to win
regardless of who stands in their way.

Difficult people have learned to be this way because it is effective for
them. Their hostile and negative behavior serves them well. Their arsenal of
aggressive behavior catches their prey off guard and then renders them helpless.
Consequently, after a confrontation with these people, it's not unusual to feel
mentally abused and frustrated.

The first step in coping with a difficult person is to understand why they
behave this way. Generally, these people are unhappy, insecure, and have low
self-esteem. Early in life they learned to get their needs met in maladaptive
ways, such as, being the bully. Although there are different types of difficult
people - some are overly aggressive, while others may be passive-aggressive -
their dynamics are similar. Like all human beings, all they want is to be loved
and accepted. Unfortunately, they have learned inappropriate ways to achieve
this.

These behavioral patterns are deeply ingrained in the personality of the
difficult person. The overly-aggressive difficult person (one who bullies,
explodes, screams, etc.) uses their aggressive posture as a defense mechanism.
Because of their weak and fragile ego, they need to protect themselves. Their
best
defense is a strong offense-aggression. Therefore, they feel in control of
themselves only in a situation that allows them to feel powerful. But it doesn't
stop there. Like all weak people, their insatiable need to feel secure makes it
necessary for them to win - and to win at any cost.

The second step in trying to cope with difficult people is to distinguish
between a person who is having a bad day and one who is a difficult person. Keep
in mind that difficult people make up a small percentage of the population.
However, having an encounter with one makes that percentage appear larger.

The first way to help distinguish between the two is to reflect on the
history of the person. In other words, "Is the behavioral pattern normal or
unusual
for this person?" The difficult person is this way all of the time. A
non-difficult person who is having a bad day is just reacting to a particular
situation.

Another approach in distinguishing between the difficult person and a person
having a bad day is found in the way you communicate with them. Although
hostile at first, the non-difficult person will eventually respond to your
effective communication and rational reasoning. The difficult person will be
relentless in their pursuit to beat you and win.

To help you maintain composure when confronted by difficult people, it is
important to keep three things in mind. First, you can never change the
difficult
person. The old saying that a leopard never loses it's spots holds true with
the difficult person. These people need to be this way and for them to change
is to expose their vulnerability.

When confronted by difficult people, remain focused and be firm. Like spiders
spinning their webs, they are trying to trap you. By bombarding your ego with
insults and intimidation, they want you to lose control and fight with them.
When this happens, they "got-ya." Listen to them, maintain direct eye contact
and when appropriate speak in a clear firm voice. It is easy to become wrapped
up in the heated situation, so remain detached and distant from these people.
Doing so helps keep you from becoming entangled in their web of misery and
hostility.

The final step that will help you cope with the difficult person is to not
personalize the problem. Certainly, this is easier said than done. Between
wishing they would be different, thinking you can really help them, and trying
to
survive their emotional assault, it's difficult not to internalize the problem.
Yet, in order to cope effectively with these people, it is crucial to
maintain your self-esteem.

Some of the following thoughts might be helpful in your attempt to
depersonalize the situation:

"This is their problem, I will not make it mine."

"I'm not going to allow anyone to dictate my behavior."

"They want me to fight with them, I won't allow it."

"Their need to be difficult is a cover-up for their own inadequacies."

"I have the choice to play or not this game."

The bottom line is that trying to cope with difficult people is never easy
and is quite frustrating. Trust the fact that all people have trouble dealing
with difficult people. Although it may not seem possible to deal with difficult
people effectively, remain confident in your abilities and coping skills. And
keep in mind that engaging in an argument with these people is a no-win
proposition. In fact, the only way for you to win is to elect not to play.



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

HOTLINE NUMBERS

Don't be afraid to call if you need help!

Battered Women Task Force: 800-646-TASK

National Hotline for Domestic Abuse: 800-799-SAFE

Rape Crisis: 800-658-HOPE

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Alcohol and Drug Helpline: 800-821-HELP

Alcohol Hotline: 800-ALCOHOL

Cocaine Hotline: 800-GOCAINE

Missing Children: 800-342-0821

National Runaway Hotline: 800-621-4000

Cancer Information Hotline: 800-448-3000

American Cancer Society: 800-227-2345

AIDS/HIV: 800-342-2437


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

CYBER911 EMERGENCY:

CYBER STALKING: WHY DO THEY DO IT?

It might surprise you to know just how likely it is that you will become the
victim of a stalker. One in ten! Yes, one of every ten on the Internet today
will become the victim of a cyber stalker.

"Cyber stalking," which is simply an extension of the physical form of
stalking, is where the electronic mediums such as the Internet are used to
pursue,
harass, or contact another in an unsolicited fashion. Most often, given the
vast distances that the Internet spans, this behavior will never manifest itself
in the physical sense but this does not mean that the pursuit is any less
distressing. There are a wide variety of means by which individuals may seek out
and harass individuals even though they may not share the same geographic
borders, and this may present a range of physical, emotional, and psychological
consequences to the victim.

The "contact" of a stalker can range from unwelcome advances and obscene
offerings, to disparaging, demeaning, slanderous, vile, or threatening comments
made in a chat room, on a bulletin board, through Email, instant message, or any
other on-line communication medium. The big problem is that you never know
when, or whom, or how far they are going to go in pursuit of their deranged
goal, whatever that might be. What starts out as a seemingly innocent exchange
can
progress to name calling to threats to…? You just don't know where it is
going to end.

The cyber stalker can come from anywhere. From a chat room, a newsgroup, a
bulletin board, or email. Virtually any medium of communication available
on-line affords them the opportunity to pick a victim. This is not to say that
all
cyber stalkers go looking for victims, some of them become cyber stalkers after
being spurned by someone they were attracted to or wanted to impress. This is
why we must be watchful of our communications at all times.

Remember: The goal of a cyber stalker is CONTROL. Your task is to reverse
this situation. Keep control of who you communicate with on the Internet. To do
this, you may like to consider the advice below. Remember, the time to deal
with cyber stalking is before you become a target.

If you are being harassed online by a cyber stalker, the chances are that you
are not the first person they have stalked. Cyber stalkers, like other
predators, are opportunists. They know what they are looking for and how to get
it.
"Stalking" is a "power" crime, the stalkers has the power to make you suffer
and enjoys that power. Stalkers' self-esteem rises when they attack your
self-esteem. The more pain and suffering they can cause, the better they feel
about
themselves.

The best protection against becoming a target of stalking is not to reveal
anything personal that you might have in common. Often, stalkers are mentally
unstable, paranoid, delusional, and extremely jealous, and have extremely low
self-esteem. Stalkers may display selfishness, malice, sadism, be very cunning
and arrogant. Most are anti-social, and to put it in layman's terms, be a
"control freak", enjoying manipulating other people. They crave power over
others,
and enjoy the type power that hurts other people. Harassment is common enough
in live chat on the Internet.

The three most common ways it can start are:

1) sexual harassment;
2) a flame war (argument that gets out of hand);
3) users that show their technological power by attacking innocent users,
channels, or even networks.

Those who regularly start flame wars online are rude and obnoxious people,
often having poor social and communication skills. Their idea of fun is throwing
obscene abuse at another just to upset them. These kind of harassers are
often loners who don't have a companion, or who are in a miserable relationship,
and their attempts to attract your attention is often clumsy and crude. Care
should always be taken when turning them away, as they are highly sensitive to
rejection and humiliation, and could cause a vendetta to start against you.
Understand that although clumsy and crude in most cases, the stalker is not
stupid, they are very organized and usually experienced in their war against
you.

Stalking is a form of obsession. The difference between a normal cyber
harasser and a cyber stalker, is this: harasser moves on to others and forgets
you
and a stalker will come back to stalk you another day. The Internet enables the
stalker, his/her powers, in most cases, merely a knowledge of the technology
is all required to have the ability to stalk another user. Most stalkers,
having been rejected desire to instill fear in users, therefore, upsetting the
normal enjoyment of the Internet.

The best way to be prepared is to understand beforehand how to react, and the
appropriate steps to take once you realize that you have become a victim. The
first is to remain calm and objective, not reacting to flames with flames,
threats with threats, just not reacting. Remember, to react is to feed the fire.
Once someone begins a campaign the best course is to simply and calmly speak
to them one time, whether by email, chat, bulletin board, or whatever method
is being used, and tell them that you no longer wish to have any communication
with them whatsoever. If you can bear to just ignore the communications, you
stand a greater chance of the offender just getting tired of being ignored and
going away.

Read tips on how to protect yourself after you are being harassed/stalked at
Cyber911 Emergency:

http://wiredsafety.org/cyberstalking_harassment//index.html



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Difference Between Male and Female Narcissists

In the manifestation of their narcissism, female and male narcissists,
inevitably, do tend to differ. They emphasise different things. They transform
different elements of their personality and of their life into the cornerstones
of
their disorder. They both conform to cultural stereotypes, gender roles, and
social expectations.

Women, for instance, concentrate on their body (as they do in eating
disorders: Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa). They flaunt and exploit their
physical charms, their sexuality, their socially and culturally determined
"femininity". In its extreme form this is known as HPD or the Histrionic
Personality
Disorder.

Many female narcissists secure their Narcissistic Supply through their more
traditional gender roles: the home, children, suitable careers, their husbands
("the wife of..."), their feminine traits, their role in society, etc. It is
no wonder than narcissists - both men and women - are chauvinistically
conservative.

They depend to such an extent on the opinions of people around them - that,
with time, they are transformed into ultra-sensitive seismographs of public
opinion, barometers of prevailing winds and guardians of conformity. Narcissists
cannot afford to seriously alienate those who reflect to them their False
Self. The very proper and on-going functioning of their Ego depends on the
goodwill and the collaboration of their human environment.

Even the self destructive and self defeating behaviours of narcissists
conform to traditional masculine and feminine roles. Besieged and consumed by
pernicious guilt feelings - many a narcissist seek to be punished. The
self-destructive narcissist plays the role of the "bad guy" (or "bad girl").

But even then it is within the traditional socially allocated roles. To
ensure social opprobrium (read: attention, i.e., narcissistic supply), the
narcissist cartoonishly exaggerates these roles. A woman is likely to label
herself a
"whore" and a male narcissist to style himself a "vicious, unrepentant
criminal". Yet, these again are traditional social roles. Men are likely to
emphasise
intellect, power, aggression, money, or social status.

Women are likely to emphasise body, looks, charm, sexuality, feminine
"traits", homemaking, children and childrearing - even as they seek their
masochistic
punishment.

Another difference is in the way they react to treatment. Women are more
likely to resort to therapy because they are more likely to admit to their
psychological problems. But while men may be less inclined to DISCLOSE or to
expose
their problems to others (the macho-man factor) - it does not necessarily imply
that they are less prone to admit it to themselves. Women are also more
likely to ask for help than men. Yet, the prime rule of narcissism must never be
forgotten: the narcissist uses anything available to obtain his (or her)
Narcissistic Supply.

Children happen to be more around the female narcissist because women are
still the primary caregivers and the ones who give birth. It is easier for a
woman to think of her children as her extensions because they once indeed were
her
physical extensions and because her on-going interaction with them is both
more intensive and more extensive. This means that the male narcissist is more
likely to regard his children as a nuisance than as a source of rewarding
Narcissist Supply - especially as they grow older and become autonomous.

Devoid of the diversity of alternatives available to men - the narcissistic
woman fights to maintain her most reliable source of supply: her children.
Through insidious indoctrination, guilt formation, emotional extortion,
deprivation and other psychological mechanisms, she tries to induce in them a
dependence, which cannot be easily unraveled.

But, there is no psychodynamic difference between children as sources of
narcissistic supply - and money, or intellect, or any other Source of
Narcissistic
Supply. So, there is no psychodynamic difference between male and female
narcissists. The only difference is in their choices of sources of narcissistic
supply.

There are mental disorders, which afflict a specific sex more often. This has
to do with hormonal or other physiological dispositions, with social and
cultural conditioning through the socialisation process, and with role
assignment
through the gender differentiation process. None of these seem to be strongly
correlated to the formation of malignant narcissism.

The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (as opposed, for instance, to the
Borderline or the Histrionic Personality Disorders, which afflict women more
than
men) seems to conform to masculine social mores and to the prevailing ethos of
capitalism. Ambition, achievements, hierarchy, ruthlessness, drive are both
social values and narcissistic male traits.

Social thinkers like Lasch speculated that modern American culture - a
narcissistic, self-centred one - increases the rate of incidence of the
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder.

To this Kernberg answered, rightly: "The most I would be willing to say is
that society can make serious psychological abnormalities, which already exist
in some percentage of the population, seem to be at least superficially
appropriate."

DR Irene


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Types of Narcissism...

���
Body Shaper

Image, fashion, glamour, youth and beauty characterise the Body Shaper and
these attributes must be admired.� This kind of beauty is only 'skin deep' and
the aging process is often denied. The internal world is usually empty and
bleak, their relationships are often shallow, and they can be very demanding of
others. The Body Shaper is alway seeking praise of their beauty, or will often
inform you how beautiful they are and how everyone is jealous of them, or will
constantly criticize your own appearance in comparison to theirs.


The Craver

The Craver has plenty of love to give but it is always given with strings
attached; i.e. I'll give you 'x' but there is a, usually non-verbal, message
demanding that you give something back in return. As with all people with
Narcissistic Personalities the Craver has a great fear of abandonment and clings
to
those (s)he relates with and his/her needs can never be satisfied.
�

Special Lover

The Special Lover is a romantic at heart and idealizes his/her capacity for
loving.� He/she believes that love can cure all ills. As with all idealization
eventually it breaks down and there is deep disappointment.� The internal
world of the Special Lover is especially vulnerable and sensitive to slights,
real
or imagined. There is also a high level of intolerance to imperfections in
the partner.

���
Martyr

Suffering is glorified by the martyr, (s)he is a victim and tells the world
about it unceasingly. Personal identity is the pain which is never in the past
but always in the present.� These people want care and support and will
exploit others in order to get this. Grandiosity is bound up with this position:
no-one else has ever suffered as I suffer and relationships are formed with
someone else who needs to be needed and is exploited to provide narcissistic
supplies. This is a covert way of controlling other people.


Fantasy Maker

The Fantasy Maker has retreated into a world of his/her own creation that has
a greater or lesser correlation with the real world. The internal world of
fantasy is a defence against the pain and anguish of reality and is avoided at
all costs because it is cold and harsh. These people rarely take responsibility
for themselves so are unable to form a therapeutic relationship. Also, they
have a very loose relationship with the truth distorting it to suit themselves
whenever they are threatened. Lies may be difficult to detect.


Power Broker

Power is the goal for the Broker... he/she is in love with it. The Power
Broker bullies, humiliates and terrorizes his/her victims and is arrogant, cold
and bureaucratic.� He/she is contemptuous to inferiors and lives without
considering the consequences of their acts to other people. He/she is out to get
what
they want when they want it by any means.

���
Rager

A barely controlled rage lies below the surface of this Narcissistic
structure and lashes out when the narcissism is dented. Explosive rage can be
irrational and it is often accompanied by violence. This type can be very
controlling
and abusive in relationships when (s)he cannot get his/her own way.� It would
not be an exaggeration to say that 'All hell breaks loose' and the word
'tantrum' is appropriate.


Trickster

The Trickster is a charmer and is at ease in a wide range of social
situations. He/she is smooth, engaging and inviting.� The Trickster invites
people to
trust him/her but underneath the seemingly innocuous facade is the 'con-artist'
who seeks out those who are naive and trusting and is ruthless in
relationships.� He/she has a malicious intent and a right of entitlement: the
ends
justify the means and he/she is incapable of remorse.

�






     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Red Flags of the Narcissist


1. Self-centered. His/her needs are paramount. Everything is "me" and "I."

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.

3. Unreliable/undependable.

4. Does not care about the consequences of his/her actions.

5. Projects his/her faults on to others. High blaming behavior.

6. Little if any conscience.

7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.

8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.

9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.

10. People are to be manipulated for his/her needs and "thrills." 

11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his/her gain at other's
expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject, or gets angry.

12.  Pathological lying.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.

14. No real values. Mostly situational.

15. Often initially, or to outsiders, perceived as kind, caring, and
understanding or vulnerable and uses this to manipulate and control.

16. Mercurial moods/mood swings.

17. Uses sex to control; to either lure partner, reward partner, or punish
partner. 

18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions or only shares negative,
hostile, or belittling ones with partner.

19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, affairs, and other activities.

22.  Likes to create chaos and disrupt to get attention and have power over.
Plays people against each other.

23. Unpredictable; switches from nice guy/gal to monster without much, if
any, provocation.

24. Repeatedly fails to honor obligations.

25. Seldom expresses appreciation.

26. Grandiose. Convinced he/she is smarter, sexier, better looking, richer,
etc. than others. Knows more than others. Is correct in all he/she does.

27. Lacks ability to see how he/she comes across to others. Defensive when
confronted with his/her behavior. Rarely, if ever, his/her fault.

28. Can get emotional/tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than
sorrow or remorse.

29. Breaks partner's spirit to keep him/her dependent.

30. Uses threats/intimidations to keep others close to him/her.

31. Sabotages partner. Wants him/her to be happy only through him/her and to
have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.

32. Highly contradictory.

33. Convincing. Must persuade people to side with him/her.

34. Hides real self initially or with outsiders. Always “on” until he/she
feels "safe."

35. Kind only if he's/she's getting from you what he/she wants.

36. He/she has to be right. Has to win. Has to look good.

37. He/she tells, not asks.

38. Does not discuss openly/has a hidden agenda.

39. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself, or spends on
others only to impress and gain attention and favors.

40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear
your position or ideas."

41. Always feels misunderstood, mistreated, or abused.

42. Makes others feel miserable, frustrated, and drained. 

43.  Does not listen because he/she does not care.

44. His/her feelings are discussed, not the partners.

45. Is not interested in problem-solving.

46.  Very good at reading people, so he/she can manipulate them.




     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Now We Are Six: The Narcissistic Mother
Lost Source

If you had a narcissist for a parent, you lived in a world governed by whim
enforced without mercy.

Narcissists have normal, even superior, intellectual development while
remaining emotionally and morally immature. Dealing with them can give you the
sense
of trying to have a reasonable discussion with a very clever six-year-old --
this is an age when normal children are grandiose and exhibitionistic, when
they are very resistant to taking the blame for their own misbehavior, when they
understand what the rules are (e.g., that lying, cheating, and stealing are
prohibited) but are still trying to wriggle out of accepting those rules for
themselves. This is the year, by the way, when children were traditionally
thought to reach the age of reason and when first communions (and first
confessions) were made.

Having a narcissist for a mother is a lot like living under the supervision
of a six-year-old. Narcissists are always pretending, and with a narcissistic
mother it's a lot like, "Let's play house. I'll pretend to be the mother and
you pretend to be the baby," though, as the baby, you'll be expected to act like
a doll (keep smiling, no matter what) and you'll be treated like a doll -- as
an inanimate object, as a toy to be manipulated, dressed and undressed,
walked around and have words put in your mouth; something that can be broken but
not hurt, something that will be dropped and forgotten when when something more
interesting comes along.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

Selected Characteristics of Normal Six-Year-Olds

[Based on Your Six-Year-Old, by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg.]

The items below are not intended to be a comprehensive description of
six-year-olds, but only the selected bits that seem to be related to adult
narcissists' traits discussed elsewhere [and, yes, I really did compile the
traits list
weeks before finding this little book]. Besides being difficult and
bewildering, six-year-olds are also wonderfully warm and enthusiastic, fine
companions,
active, curious, intellectually ambitious, philosophically speculative, very
interested in the world and how it works, fond of novelty and amusement --
games, music, stories, outings, adventures.

My interest here is in pointing out that many of the narcissistic
characteristics that are abnormal in adults are completely normal at six years
of age and
that the survival of these childish characteristics into adulthood is,
essentially, immaturity rather than bad intentions. But bear in mind that, while
everyone who grows up passes through this stage of development, most of us spend
only a few months this way before moving on to more integrated behavior.
Narcissists, on the other hand, apparently spend the rest of their lives in this
state of highly volatile ambivalence and uncertainty. I don't mean to play down,
in any way, the very bad effects adult narcissists have on their own
children, but, for those who've survived being raised by narcissists, it may
give a
different way of looking at family history.

[See "It's A Good Life" for one person's idea of what it would be like if a
six-year-old ran the world -- and, I'll add, what life may seem like to a
six-year-old with a narcissist for a parent.] It has also bothered me that the
little clinical literature I've found is quite hostile to narcissists; I
certainly
know that they can be utterly impossible, but the truth remains that the
narcissists I've known were genuinely lovable about half the time -- the problem
being that they want to be treated as "special" in ways that they just ain't
special and will hate you for loving them for what they regard as the wrong
reasons (though most of the rest of us are far less demanding and are simply
pleased when attractive, decent people love us for any reason, special or not).

"Six can, oh so often, be expansive and out-of-bounds, contrary, violent,
hard...to live with."(p. 4)

"Your typical Six-year-old is a paradoxical little person, and bipolarity is
the name of the game. Whatever he does, he does the opposite just as readily.
In fact, sometimes the choice of some certain object or course of action
immediately triggers an overpowering need for its opposite." (p. 1, the first
paragraph of the book) [Emphasis in original]

"Six's reversals are truly something to be reckoned with." (p. 2)

"I love you" rapidly changes to "I hate you." (p. 2, 6)

stubborn and can't make up mind (p. 2)

"The child is now the center of his own universe." (p. 2, 15) [Emphasis in
original]

delighted by any silly thing that calls attention to himself; may do silly,
show-offy things to call attention to himself when he feels neglected or shut
out (pp. 71-72)

arrogant (p. 7)

self-important ("extremely aware of the importance of being Six") (p. 22)

demands rather than asks (twice on p. 6, 16)

thinks own way is always right (p. 7)

once started, will stick to a course of bad behavior or bad judgment
regardless of the inevitability of being punished for it (p. 7)

asks to be flattered and praised as "good," even ("rather sadly and
touchingly") following his worst behavior (p. 6)

can't accept criticism (p. 7)

feelings are hurt over very small criticisms, comments, failures (p. 6)

"He is so extremely anxious to do well, to be the best, to be loved and
praised, that any failure is very hard for him." (p. 6)

wants to win every time (p. 4, 21, 45)

poor sport, can't stand to lose (p. 7, 16)

argumentative and quarrelsome (p. 21)

defiant, pert, fresh, snippy (p. 6, 17)

competitive, combative (p. 20)

belligerent, verbally and physically aggressive (p. 21)

threatens, calls names, gets physically violent (p. 21)

violent temper tantrums may require physical restraint because of striking
out (p. 29)

jealous, envious (p. 7, 21)

to make sure of winning, will cheat or make up own rules (pp. 21-22, 45)

complains that others are cheating and not following the rules (p. 45)

some are very cruel to younger children (p. 22)

does not always tell the truth (p. 16)

will not admit to wrongdoing (p. 41) [Note: A technique is given for getting
the facts out of kids that also works with narcissists: instead of asking if
they did it, ask how they did it.]

goodness means the things explicitly required or allowed by parents or other
authority figures; badness means the things explicitly disapproved of or
forbidden (p. 66)

little forgiveness (p. 22)

very critical of others' conduct (p. 22)

expects friendships to be resumed immediately following tremendous complaint
and conflict (p. 22)

wants to boss (p. 21)

"Many children think their father knows everything -- even what goes on at
home while he is at work."(p. 16)

thinks his teacher knows the best and only right way of doing things; may not
know which rules to follow when school rules differ from home rules (p. 18)

"highly undifferentiated -- everything is everywhere" (p. 7)

can't always tell the difference between "yours" and "mine," and so often
steals (pp. 39-41)

"random and unconstructive expenditure of energy" (p. 31)

more interested in merely handling or using tools than in what is
accomplished with them (pp. 53-54)

less interested in actual final products than in whatever he may be doing at
the moment(p. 56)

"Sixes love to dress up and pretend they are somebody else...." (p. 49)



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Say NO to Abuse!

It could live next door to you, just down the block, or around the corner.
You could be aware of it happening on a subliminal level, but never quite put a
finger on what it is about "that relationship" that bothers you. You may see
or speak to that nice lady who always seems so sad on a fairly regular basis.
You catch yourself wondering how come she seems so accident prone - bumps,
bruises, cuts, broken wrist, cracked ribs. She may be jumpy when she’s around
her
husband, quick to appease, have no opinions of her own, always apologizing to
others for his treatment of her, his behaviour towards her. She believes his
intense jealousy is a sign he truly loves her. And perhaps he does in his own
fashion, but a quick look at his handwriting may tell another story.

His writing may show brutality by demonstrating a blotchy, muddy appearance.
There will be heavy pressure. Look for clublike, descending t-bars, long
t-bars, thick and blunt, descending arrowlike ending strokes. Combine these
signs
with things like vanity, megalomania and deceit and you have a pressure cooker
looking for a place to blow - and if temper is also present, you may evaluate
physical violence/abuse.

Spousal abuse takes on many forms, many silent, many insidious, but all
damaging to its victims. Women in abusive situations often feel they can’t
change
their lives, they’re trapped and can’t live without their abuser.

What a gut wrenching cycle of ups and downs, of fear and hope, despair and
depression. Like a sticky spider’s web, abuse and abusive behaviour pulls
victims in tighter and tighter, binding them with silken cords so tough it’s
hard to
break away. Some aren’t able to break away,some choose to live with an
abusive spouse because they think they have no other choice, others die, others
lose
all sense of self.

The silken cords of love woven by an abuser are awfully charming at first.He
wants to be with you all the time, wants to know every minute of the day what
you’re doing. He calls at all hours of the day and night, vowing his undying
love for you - even if you’ve only just known him for a short period of time.
He helps you pick out your clothes, starts taking you everywhere, wants to know
everything about all of your friends. He wants to spend every minute he
possibly can with you and maybe thinks it would be a good idea if you didn’t
work
any longer - so you can be with him.

Gradually you lose your friends, he tells you how to dress, where to go,who
to talk to then one day you realize just how isolated you really are. You
realize his words of love are really hammers and chisels chipping away at your
self- esteem. He says you’re nothing without him, he took you away from your
sorry
life and made you what you are today.

You have no money, other than what he doles out to you. Then he starts
throwing things at you, kicks or shoves you, perhaps even hits you. You start
believing the critical things he says to make you feel bad about yourself, that
somehow you deserve this kind of treatment because you just didn’t so or say
something quite the right way. Know this, you are not alone. You are not to
blame.
You can’t control his violence but you can make yourself safer.

Although it hurts to talk about this to others, you must tell someone what is
going on and keep a record ofwhat happens - someplace where he won’t find it.
Have a safety plan all laid out - things like spare house keys, car keys
where only you can find them. Keep money aside that is yours alone, enough to
allow you to leave the home. Know your legal rights and where you can get help
(shelters, friends, relatives) if you need to leave an abusive situation.

Think seriously about ending the relationship. The violence will escalate if
something is not done to interrupt this destructive pattern. Charge your
spouse with assault, it’s a necessary step in reducing the violence.

Why should we care about domestic violence? Because it’s everyone's right to
live without fear.

Lost Source

     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Someone asked me to repost this:

Hi Chet:

She's "diverting." Abusive persons (and simply irresponsible persons) are
notorious for doing this. You confront them on their hurtful words/actions and
they will change the topic to anything under the sun that doesn't involve taking
accountability for themselves and, yes, oftentimes they will bring the
subject back around to what YOU have said/done or have not said/done.�

Whether your wife was doing this consciously or as the result of denial would
make no difference to me personally because even a lot of people who admit to
being abusive and/or irresponsible don't change their spots anyway. Most
abuse experts suggest the best response in situations like this is:


1) Do not explain yourself

2) Do not defend yourself

3) Instead, keep bringing the topic back to them


Her: "Are you planning on moving or not?"

You: "We are not discussing me at this time. If you want to talk about moving
later, fine. However, the purpose of the letter was to address your abusive
behavior."

Her: "But, I just want to know if you have packed or what?"

You: "That's not relevant to your abusive behavior."

Her: "Well, I need to know when the house is going to be sold."

You: "Again, we are not discussing at this time what I have or have not done,
or am planning or not planning to do, in regards to moving. I want to
confront the way you abuse me."�


You just keep using this approach - whether she finally acquiesces, or walks
away, or even starts abusing you (and in the latter case you walk away from
her!) - as long as you don't give her the power to make the conversation about
you at that time. In all fairness, abuser or no, she does have the right to
RESPECTFULLY ask you questions, comment on your own behavior if she's troubled
by
something, etc. but NOT when you have approached her to discuss HER behavior.
So, letting her know you won't tolerate diversion is setting a healthy
boundary with her.�

Free Terri


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Most Common Personality Disorders

*Please note: when it comes to personality disorders it's not wise to
diagnose yourself and/or a partner without the assistance of a medical
professional.
Some persons can have a few traits of a disorder, or even several disorders,
but not be classified as actually having the disorder. These are merely
designed to enlighten you to the possibility of a disorder existent either
within
yourself and/or a partner so that you can explore said further with a DR if you
so choose. In abusive relationships, it not uncommon for both partners to
exhibit some symptoms of a disorder. I.e., a partner with borderline or
dependent
personality disorder traits might be involved with a partner with narcissistic
personality traits:


1) Paranoid personality disorder

Definition:

Paranoid personality disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by
extreme distrust and suspicion of others.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

Personality disorders are chronic patterns of behavior that cause lasting
problems with work and relationships. The cause of paranoid personality disorder
is unknown, but it appears to be more common in families with psychotic
disorders like schizophrenia and delusional disorder, which suggests a genetic
influence.

Symptoms:

People with paranoid personality disorder are highly suspicious of other
people. They are usually unable to acknowledge their own negative feelings
towards
other people.

Other common symptoms include:

Concern that other people have hidden motives
Expect to be exploited by others
Inability to collaborate
Poor self image
Social isolation
Detachment
Hostility



2) Antisocial personality disorder

Definition:

Antisocial personality disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by
chronic behavior that manipulates, exploits, or violates the rights of others.
This behavior is often criminal.

Alternative Names:

Psychopathic personality; Sociopathic personality;

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

Personality disorders are chronic behavioral and relationship patterns that
interfere with a person's life over many years. To receive a diagnosis of
antisocial personality disorder, a person must have first had behavior that
qualifies for a diagnosis of conduct disorder during childhood.

The cause of antisocial personality disorder is unknown, but genetic factors
and child abuse are believed to contribute to the development of this
condition. People with an antisocial or alcoholic parent are increased risk. Far
more
men than women are affected, and unsurprisingly, the condition is common in
prison populations.

Symptoms:

A person with antisocial personality disorder:

Breaks the law repeatedly
Lies, steals, and fights often
Disregards the safety of self and others
Demonstrates a lack of guilt
Had a childhood diagnosis (or symptoms consistent with) conduct disorder

Signs and tests:

Individuals with antisocial personality disorder are often angry and arrogant
but may be capable of superficial wit and charm. They may be adept at
flattery and at manipulating the emotions of others. People with antisocial
personality disorder often have extensive substance abuse and legal problems.



3) Schizoid personality disorder

Definition:

Schizoid personality disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by a
lifelong pattern of indifference to others and social isolation.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

Personality disorders are chronic behavioral and relationship patterns that
interfere with a person's life over many years. The cause of schizoid
personality disorder is unknown and estimates of its incidence vary.

This disorder may be associated with schizophrenia and shares many of the
same risk factors. However, schizoid personality disorder is not as profoundly
disabling as schizophrenia, since it is not marked by hallucinations, delusions,
or the complete disconnection from reality that occurs in untreated (or
treatment-resistant) schizophrenia.

Symptoms:

A person with schizoid personality disorder:

Does not desire nor enjoy close relationships, even with family members
Avoids social activities that involve significant interpersonal contact
Appears aloof and detached

Signs and tests:

People with schizoid personality disorder are loners and show little interest
in developing close relationships.



4) Avoidant personality disorder

Definition:

Avoidant personality disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by a
lifelong pattern of extreme shyness, feelings of inadequacy, and sensitivity to
rejection.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

Personality disorders are lifelong patterns of behavior that cause problems
with work and relationships. The cause of avoidant personality disorder is
unknown.

Symptoms:

People with avoidant personality disorder form relationships with others only
if they believe they will not be rejected. They are preoccupied with their
own shortcomings. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will
choose loneliness rather than risk trying to connect with others.

Signs and tests:

Some common signs of avoidant personality disorder include:

Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval
Has no close friends
Reluctant to become involved with people
Avoids activities or occupations that involve contact with others
Shy in social situations out of fear of doing something wrong
Exaggerates potential difficulties



5) Histrionic personality disorder

Definition:

Histrionic personality disorder involves a pattern of excessive emotional
expression and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and
inappropriate seductiveness. It usually begins in early adulthood.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

The cause of this disorder is unknown, but childhood events and genetics may
both be involved. It occurs more frequently in women than in men, although
some feel it is simply more often diagnosed in women because attention-seeking
and sexual forwardness is less socially acceptable for women.

People with this disorder are usually able to function at a high level and
can be successful socially and at work. They may seek treatment for depression
when romantic relationships end.

They often fail to see their own situation realistically, instead tending to
over dramatize and exaggerate. Responsibility for failure or disappointment is
usually blamed on others.

Symptoms:

Constant seeking of reassurance or approval
Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions
Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval
Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior
Excessive concern with physical appearance
A need to be the center of attention (self-centeredness)
Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear shallow to others
Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with
details
Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually
are

Signs and tests:

The person's overall appearance, behavior, and history, and a psychological
evaluation are usually sufficient to establish the diagnosis. There is no
formal test to confirm the diagnosis.



6) Dependent personality disorder (sounds like codependence to me!)

Definition: Dependent personality disorder is a chronic condition involving
over-reliance on others to meet emotional and physical needs.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

The cause of this disorder is unknown. It usually begins in early adulthood.

Symptoms:

People with this disorder do not trust their own ability to make decisions.
They may be devastated by separation and loss and may go to great lengths, even
suffering abuse, to stay in a relationship.

Signs and tests:

Some of the common signs of dependent personality disorder include:

Inability to make decisions
Avoids personal responsibility
Avoids being alone
Feels devastated or helpless when relationships end
Unable to meet ordinary demands of life
Preoccupied with fears of being abandoned
Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval
Extremely passive to other people
Tolerant of normally unacceptable behavior



7) Narcissistic personality disorder

Definition:

Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition characterized by an inflated
sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with one's self.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

The cause of this disorder is unknown. Personality disorders are long-lasting
patterns of behavior that cause problems with relationships and work.
Narcissistic personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood and is
marked by
disregard for the feelings of others, grandiosity, obsessive self-interest,
and the pursuit of primarily selfish goals.

Symptoms:

A person with narcissistic personality disorder:

Reacts to criticism with feelings or rage, shame, or humiliation
Takes advantage of others to achieve own goals
Manipulates others into giving them what they want
Feelings of self-importance
Exaggerates achievements and talents
Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or
ideal love
Unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
Requires constant attention and admiration
Lacks empathy for others

Signs and tests:

Personality disorders are diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and
the history and severity of the symptoms.



8) Borderline personality disorder

Definition:

Borderline personality disorder is a condition characterized by impulsive
actions, mood instability, and chaotic relationships.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

Personality disorders are chronic patterns of behavior that impair
relationships and work. The cause of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is
unknown.
People with BPD are impulsive in areas that have a potential for self-harm such
as drug use, drinking, over spending, promiscuous sex, and other risk-taking
behaviors.

Risk factors for BPD include abandonment issues in childhood or adolescence,
sexual abuse, disrupted family life, and poor communication within the family.
This personality disorder tends to occur much more often in women and among
hospitalized psychiatric patients.

Symptoms:

Relationships with others are intense and unstable, swinging wildly from love
to hate and back again. People with BPD will engage in frantic efforts to
avoid real or imagined abandonment.

BPD patients may also have uncertainties about their identity or self-image.
They tend to see things in terms of extremes, either all good or all bad. Such
people also typically view themselves as victims of circumstance and take
little responsibility for themselves or their problems.

Other symptoms include:

Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
Recurrent suicidal gestures such as wrist cutting, overdosing, or
self-mutilation
Feelings of emptiness and boredom
Intolerance of being alone
Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge
eating, or shoplifting

Signs and tests:

Personality disorders are diagnosed based on psychological evaluation and the
history and severity of the symptoms.



9) Personality disorder - obsessive-compulsive

Causes, incidence, and risk factors:

This disorder tends to occur in families and thus may have a genetic
component.

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder most often occurs in men. It should
not be confused with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which is another
psychiatric condition that shares some symptoms with obsessive-compulsive
personality disorder.

People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder believe that their
preoccupations are appropriate. They tend to be high achievers and have a sense
of
urgency about their actions. They may become extremely upset if others
disturb their rigidly ordered routines.

Symptoms:

A person with this personality disorder has symptoms of perfectionism that
usually begin in early adulthood. This perfectionism may interfere with the
person's ability to complete a given task because the rigid standards cannot be
upheld. People with this disorder may emotionally withdraw when they are not
able to control a situation.

Signs and tests:

Some of the common signs of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder
include:

Perfectionism
Inflexibility
Preoccupation with details, rules, and lists
Reluctance to allow others to do things
Excessive devotion to work
Restricted expression of affection
Lack of generosity
Inability to throw things away, even if there is no value in the object



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

First, what is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

A borderline writes:

"Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger,
confusion, hurt, never knowing how I'm gonna feel from one minute to the next.
Hurting because I hurt those who I love. Feeling misunderstood. Analyzing
everything. Nothing gives me pleasure. Once in a great while I will get "too
happy"
and then anxious because of that. Then I self-medicate with alcohol. Then I
physically hurt myself. Then I feel guilty because of that. Shame. Wanting to
die
but not being able to kill myself because I'd feel too much guilt for those
I'd hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or O.D. to make all
the feelings go away. Stress!"

Abusive persons AND targets of abuse can have symptoms of BPD or full blown
BPD. Therapists use a book called "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual" (DSM) to
make mental health diagnoses. They've outlined nine traits that borderlines
seem to have in common; the presence of five or more of them may indicate BPD.

However, please note the following:

Everyone has all these traits to a certain extent. Especially teenagers.
These traits must be long-standing (lasting years) and persistent. And they must
be intense.

Be very careful about diagnosing yourself or others. In fact, don't do it.
Top researchers guide patients through several days of testing before they make
a diagnosis. Don't make your own diagnosis on the basis of a WWW site or a
book!

Many people who have BPD also have other concerns, such as depression, eating
disorders, substance abuse — even multiple personality disorder or attention
deficit disorder. It can be difficult to isolate what is BPD and what might be
something else. Again, you need to talk to a qualified professional.


DSM-IV Definition of BPD

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships,
self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and
present
in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include
suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized
by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called
"splitting."

Following is a definition of splitting from the book I Hate You, Don't Leave
Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10: 

The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and villains. A
child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human inconsistencies and
ambiguities; he cannot reconcile anther is good and bad qualities into a
constant
coherent understanding of another person. At any particular moment, one is
either
Good or EVIL. There is no in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one
day; totally devalued and dismissed the next.

Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory states
atone time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one feeling state
while
in the other. 

When the idealized person finally disappoints (as we all do, sooner or later)
the borderline must drastically restructure his one-dimensional
conceptionalization. Either the idol is banished to the dungeon, or the
borderline banishes
himself in other to preserve the all-good image of the other person.

Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of contradictory
feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to reconcile those images.
But
splitting often achieves the opposite effect. The frays in the BP's personality
become rips, and the sense of his own identity and the identity of others
shifts even more dramatically and frequently.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense
of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g.,
spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not
include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating
behavior.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense
episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and
only
rarely more than a few days).

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent
displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Dissociation is the state in which, on some level or another, one becomes
somewhat removed from "reality," whether this be daydreaming, performing actions
without being fully connected to their performance ("running on automatic"),
or other, more disconnected actions. It is the opposite of "association" and
involves the lack of association, usually of one's identity, with the rest of
the world.

There is no "pure" BPD; it coexists with other illnesses. These are the most
common. BPD may coexist with:

Post traumatic stress disorder

Mood disorders

Panic/anxiety disorders

Substance abuse (54% of BPs also have a problem with substance abuse)

Gender identity disorder

Attention deficit disorder

Eating disorders

Multiple personality disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Statistics about BPD

BPs comprise: 

2% of the general population

10% of all mental health outpatients

20% of psychiatric inpatients

75% of those diagnosed are women

75% have been physically or sexually abused



Second, A Non-Borderline's Quest to Understand Borderlines

Author: A.J. Mahari 


A Non-Borderline asks:


1.When a Borderline wakes up in the morning, do they decide they want to be
cruel that day or does it just "happen" like a switch coming on?

Interesting question. My answer would be yes, and no. Yes because, in essence
all of our behaviour is chosen, but no in the sense that most borderlines
(until they reach a certain point of healing - being able to take personal
responsibility) truly have no clue emotionally that they are indeed making such
choices. Borderlines, when cruel, are usually triggered and experiencing some
level or measure of dissociation - thus they heap into a moment with their SO's
for ie, something that has nothing to do with what is truly unfolding in the
reality of your shared present reality.


2.Do Borderlines enjoy making us unhappy?Are they jealous of us when they see
us happy?

I don't think so. I know when I was borderline, way back, before I was very
aware of others or of my own behaviour and before I learned to take personal
responsibility that I really didn't care how others felt most of the time --
unless I "needed" them. I think most around borderlines are experiencing the
angst and agony that is very real for those with this personality disorder. They
cannot comprehend peace or working together. In borderline reality if you are
right they have to be wrong and if they think you think they are wrong they
feel threatened and when they feel threatened (or vulnerable) all the defense
mechanisms get turned up to full steam ahead. I think most borderlines care that
they make others unhappy but like a small child who just needs and needs and
needs and wants and wants and wants - emotionally they just can't put you ahead
of them and so much of the time with borderlines they act as if they are the
centre of the universe - narcissistic because if they aren't the centre they
feel invisible which equals powerless and vulnerable.

Many borderlines aren't jealous. Some may be. Personally, I wasn't so much
jealous as just lost. And when I was borderline and lost I felt vulnerable, it
was a trigger and I would feel "less than" and then feel compelled to set out
to make the other person feel "less than" so that I could overcompensate for my
lack of worth, esteem and competence (emotionally). For a long time too, I
really just didn't understand happy, so happy would piss me off. I think it was
feeling unable to get to happy in the way I would see others and or perceive
that others were that most elicited chaotic responses from me in their happy
and peaceful times. It was like a fear of the "calm before the storm". I was
always waiting for the "other shoe to drop". When I'd get tired of waiting I
would pull it down on my head so to speak. So my interruptions of others'
happiness was more about me and not so much a jealousy as my own inability to
cope. I
used to feel "less-than" a happy person.


3. Do Borderlines know they are different from other people? If they do , do
they care??

Oh yes, most do know this and most care VERY much. In fact it is this caring
that often, sadly, drives them to more outrageous alienating and distancing
and or push/pulling behaviour. With the stigma attached to BPD in both the world
in general and the mental health profession there is a profound sense of
being different and that that different is NOT okay and when a borderline feels
"not okay" they again fight to get to the other extreme of all okay. But, to be
all okay, they mistakingly believe (out of a lack of emotional maturity) that
for them to be okay you can't be okay.(more black and white stuff).


4. What are some warning signs to detect when a Borderline is in a "bad"
mood???

This can vary with each individual borderline I would imagine. For many it is
withdrawl, distancing, or push/pull (a combination of distancing and pulling
behaviours). For others it may be rages or abusive criticism. Don't forget
that every bad mood that a borderline has they don't have just because they have
a personality disorder. If I were you I'd be searching to identify if there is
anything (in/from your borderline) that is between a good mood and a bad
mood. If not, that is a more telling thing than which mood they are in when. If
there is no combination ever of the two it is an indication of how polarized
their thinking is.


5. Why can't a Borderline ever say they are sorry? Is it because they don't
think that they have done anything wrong????

Well, here, it's important to remember not to generalize too much. When I was
borderline it seemed I spent half of my life saying I was sorry. I meant it
too but was for years unable to change my behaviour so I just kept saying
sorry. The issues here are conscience, ability to take personal responsibility
and
emotional maturity -- all of which are severely handicapped when one has BPD
until one works through these issues. There are also those out there,
borderline or not, who for whatever reason think that to apologize is weak. Some
apologize and mean it. Others never do and don't care and then other borderlines
likely care, and know they've done wrong but would feel too vulnerable to say
they are sorry -- it hinges upon self-trust (or lack thereof)too as to whether
or
not they can trust someone else with this aspect of their emotional
vulnerability or not.

Don't forget though, 100 apologies, even heart-felt for a behaviour or abuse
that continues to go on may be an indication that the person in relationship
to the borderline is not taking care of him/herself.


6. How can Bordrelines be so mean to those closest to them and nice to others
around them?????

Again, often it has to do with triggers. If they have unfinished business
with parents - abuse issues etc etc these will continue to play out in any SO
relationship until they heal them and get themselves emotionally under control.
For many they are putting out what they received as children. I know in my case
my parents were pretty bloody mean. A lot of how I ended up treating people
in my borderline years was rooted in how I experienced people in my childhood
and also in the absence of any healthy relationships.

Borderlines often feel out of control, whether they realize it or not. So
they seek to control their environment and or others in it in order to feel in
control. Borderlines, until they develop a sense of self, live essentially
through others. So if your borderline is living through you and feels out of
control, he will try to control you as a way of trying to ease/soothe what ails
him/her.


7. What would make a Borderline want to get help??????

In my experience it was pain. It was realizing that I just hurt too much and
that I needed to know why and I wanted to try to ease my pain, soothe it and
or heal it. Also, I was not okay with hurting people. I hurt many people in my
life but I always DID care. I had a strong conscience and once I learned how
abusive I was -- well -- even though I didn't know who I was (at that point) I
did know this was NOT THE REAL ME - it was me recycling out my past. I had a
burning desire to find the real me and to be able to be that person.

I think the motivation for each borderline is highly individual for the most
part but that there would be a commonality in terms of wanting the pain to
stop and of wanting to be able to have healthy relationships/friendships that
work.

You cannot manipulate or force or cajole a borderline to get help though.
They clearly have to want it themselves.


8.Sometimes when I am "attacked" by my Borderline husband I start to cry.
What is the best way to react to him???????

What does he do when you cry? If this escalates his behaviour you may want to
do something else for yourself. If he doesn't react to your crying by
behaving more dramatically and you want to cry - cry. You may benefit from
looking at
why you are crying, what hurts and what you can do about it. You need to take
care of yourself and protect yourself emotionally (if not physically as
well). It depends upon your boundaries. Personally, if I were in a relationship
with a borderline (which by the way I just wouldn't do now, no matter what) I
would draw a line. I would let them know that certain behaviour will not be
tolerated and that if it happens I'm going to do, a, b, c etc......and stick to
it
and do it.

For example if he does whatever it is that he does that leaves you crying,
you might say, if you do _____________ I will not talk to you for 2 hours. If
you do ____________ I will leave the house for 1 hour. If you do ___________ I
will ________________. The point of these boundaries is two-fold. Firstly, they
are for your protection and well-being. Secondly, borderlines, who often have
no boundaries of their own, can benefit from yours and from you clearly
imposing limits on what you will and won't take. (or put up with from them or
engage in with them)


9.What is the longest period of time that you went being nice to others
around you? Days, weeks????????

That's hard to say. Much of my life I was not close to anyone. In that time
however, I did many things in which I interacted with people, just not
intimately. I coached kids in sports and things like that and was able to
maintain a
competent mature and situationally-appropriate mood. I was nice. I was a very
nice person to most people most of the time. But in terms of primary
relationships or even friendships I was likely lucky to get through only days
until I
had some issue, or trigger come up and anger and feelings of abandonment etc.

Remember part of the BPD diagnosis means clearly that borderlines are not
emotionally mature enough - don't have strong enough ego boundaries and sense of
self to relate healthily. That's just reality. So to expect more than your
borderline can do now (without concerted effort in therapy) is unrealistic.


10. I was just "attacked" by my husband, who I know will not apologize for
being so cruel. This builds up so much resentment because I know I will be the
one to make up to him. The dog licking the hand that beats it syndrome. What is
the best way for me to better handle an "attack"?????????

Stop pandering. Stop taking responsibility for what is his and for what he
does. Set boundaries in place. Refuse to sit there and be attacked anymore. Take
leave. Go to a separate room and lock the door. Leave the house. Do not
continue to feed his "stuff" with attention of any kind. If, under these
circumstances you think he may get violent than really think about whether or
not you
should be with him right now at all. You have rights. You have a right to space
and a right to peace. You have a right to feel what you feel and believe what
you believe. You have the right to NOT BE ATTACKED. You have to right to
expect him to make right his wrongs (instead of you doing it). Take care of
yourself. Be prepared to put yourself, your health, your safety and your sanity
ahead
of him and your relationship. You cannot control what he thinks feels or what
he choose to do but you can control what you do, what you say, what you put
up and what you don't.


11. Do Borderlines really understand "Love" Do they love us? Do they love
themselves?"?????????

No. Anyone with BPD, who is without a consistent sense of their own identity
and "self" - authentic self as opposed to "false-self", cannot love themselves
at all. They do not know themselves. And that absence of self is the root of
so much of borderline pain. Since they cannot love themselves they cannot
possibly love anyone else. It may sound simple, but actually this part is
simple.
It's believing it that is so difficult for so many. No, borderlines do not
love themselves. Healthy love, for self and for others is a rare thing these
days. People, borderline, or not must work hard to learn how to love themselves
and others. It takes both parties in any relationship doing that for it to have
a healthy chance at health. Any less is just a fallacy and often a very
painful dance of co-dependency.


12. Why doesn't it matter to him when I tell him how much it
hurts??"?????????

Likely because your reality is not his. He probably has little to no idea
what he is doing or how it affects you. He will likely begin to learn when you
put boundaries in place and stop supporting his pathology at every turn. At this
point he will have two choices, learn or lose you. I hope that you will
ensure that he loses you before you lose yourself.


Please A. J. Help me to help myself.??"?????????

I hope something I've said will be of assistance to you. I do want to point
out here too though that what you've written just above is "it" in a nut-shell.
YOU, do have to help yourself, take care of yourself and ask yourself why you
have been (at least up til now) willing to put up with being hurt by the one
that is "supposed" to love you? Love is not "supposed to hurt". Love "should"
not tear down. Love "should" build up.

When I was borderline I had no clue. I thought that raging abuse was a
legitimate way to show I cared. It was the only way I once knew how. Life has
taught
me otherwise. Each and every borderline must take personal responsibility to
find their own identity from the inside out and to stop trying to meet all of
their needs through living through and or manipulating others.

TAKE CARE OF YOU -- and ask yourself, what, what is it about this man that
you so love? Is he tender? Is he sensitive? Is he an equal partner
(emotionally)? Is he a good friend? Is he emotionally available? Is he working
toward
mutual goals in your relationship/life?





     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

PTSD and Hypersensitivity

An enduring legacy of trauma for those who manifest the chronic symptoms of
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is profoundly disrupted emotion. Persons
with PTSD can be strikingly sensitive to the most subtle of social stimuli and
respond with a torrent of uncontrollable affect on the one hand, and on the
other hand they may report feeling emotionally unresponsive to events that they
recognize would otherwise elicit emotion. Whereas individuals who are better
adjusted regard painful or intense emotions as understandable and controllable
states that can be effectively coped with via a number of strategies such as
self-talk and seeking social support or validation, persons with PTSD are
likely to respond to emotional situations in a limited and inflexible manner.

Clinicians and researchers have described PTSD patients as limited in the
ability to tolerate strong emotion and further propose that this deficit thwarts
the recovery process (1). Instead of allowing emotions to run their course and
provide information to the individual about their experience of themselves
and their environment, persons with PTSD often avoid the early warning signs of
emotion placing themselves at risk for being overwhelmed by subsequent intense
reactions. In others instances they may be excessively vigilant and
hypersensitive of the precursors to emotion and initiate any number of avoidance
behaviors, some subtle, others extreme. As van der Kolk and Ducey (p. 267) (2)
suggested, "persons with severe PTSD are incapable of modulated affective
experience; they either respond to affective stimuli with an intensity which is
appropriate only to the traumatic situation or they barely react at all."

PTSD is a debilitating condition that follows a traumatic incident. People
with PTSD often have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their
ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people they were once close
to.
PTSD was first recognized in war veterans and is often referred to as shell
shock or battle fatigue. Kidnappings, serious accidents, natural disasters,
violent attacks, torture, and captivity can cause PTSD. The event that triggers
it
may be something that threatens the person’s life or the life of someone close
to them, or it could be something witnessed, like the burned out remains of a
home where people died, or the aftermath of a destructive plane crash.

People with PTSD tend to relive the trauma in the form of nightmares and
disturbing recollections and flashbacks during their waking hours. Flashbacks
may
make the person lose touch with reality and reenact the event for a period of
seconds or hours, or even days. Flashbacks can come in the form of images,
sounds, smells, or feelings that seem so real that the person experiencing them
believes that the traumatic event is happening all over again. PTSD sufferes
may also experience sleep problems, depression, detachment, and
hypersensitivity. They may lose interest in things they used to enjoy, have
trouble with
intimacy, feel irritable, aggressive, violent, anxious to the point of having
anxiety attacks (I wonder how many abusers have PTSD from childhood abuse
they've
experienced?). Anniversaries of the event are often extremely difficult to get
through.

PTSD can occur at any age and can be accompanied by depression, substance
abuse, or anxiety. Symptoms vary from mild to severe. In severe cases, people
may
have trouble working or socializing. In general, PTSD symptoms seem to be
worse if the event that triggered them was initiated by another human being,
such
as the case in rape versus a natural disaster like a flood.

Not every traumatized person gets full-blown PTSD or experiences PTSD at all.
PTSD is diagnosed only if the symptoms last more than a month, with symptoms
usually beginning within three months of the trauma. Some people recover
within six months, while others may have symptoms that last much longer.
Occasionally, the illness doesn’t show up until years after the event.


Specific Symptoms of PTSD

The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which they experienced,
witnessed, or were confronted with an event of events that involved actual or
threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of
themselves or others and the person’s response involved intense fear,
helplessness, or horror in one or more of the following ways:

distressing recurrent and intrusive recollections of the event, including
images, thoughts, and perceptions
recurrent dreams of the event
flashbacks giving a sense of reliving the experience, possibly including
illusions, hallucinations, and disassociation that occurs on awakening or when
intoxicated
intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external triggers
that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the event
physiological reactions on exposure to internal or external triggers that
symbolize or resemble an aspect of the event


Individuals with PTDS also have persistent avoidance of stimuli associated
with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness, as indicated by three or
more of the following:

efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the trauma
efforts to avoid activities, places or people that arouse recollections of
the trauma
inability to recall important details of the trauma
markedly loss of interest and participation in significant activities
feelings of detachment or estrangement from others
restricted range of feelings (like intimacy)
sense of foreboding and doom (like not expecting to have a career, family, or
normal life span)


PTDS causes persistent symptoms of increased arousal that were not present
before the trauma, as indicated by two or more of the following:

sleep disorders
irritablity or outbursts of anger
difficulty concentrating
hypervigilance
hypersensitivity (exaggerated startle response)

PTDS which has lasted for at least a month will cause clinically significant
distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of
functioning. PTDS is best treated with psychotherapy and medication therapy.



     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ask the Therapist

PTSD or BPD?

I am a 27 year old female. Married with two children. I was a first grade
teacher, and decided to become a stay at home mom after the birth of my first
child. After the birth of my second child, I became very depressed. I cried all
the time for no apparent reason. I sought help from a psychiatrist. She
diagnosed me with PTSD. My dad abandoned us when I was 13, and I was raped at
the age
of 15. I became pregnant with the rape, and had an abortion which I will
never forgive myself for. When she told me I had PTSD, I looked at the symptoms,
and really felt that I could relate. It made me feel better, like there was
hope. As time went on during therapy, the nightmares became very intense like
everything was coming out and I could not handle it. I wanted to kill myself by
overdosing. My psychiatrist put me in the psych ward. I was up there a little
while. When I was released, the Dr. up there diagnosed me with BPD. I went home
and read the symptoms of it, and I did not feel like I had barely any of the
symptoms. I asked my Psychiatrist about it, and she said she did not agree
with the diagnosis at all. I am so scared that I could have BPD, and I don t
know
what Dr. is correct. My symptoms are nightmares, depression, very insecure I
am a people pleaser, insomnia, weight loss (20 lbs.), short temper agitated
very easily, and scared of being abandoned. Could you tell me what you think I
might have.

Also, my psychiatrist was a resident (4th year), and she has now left. I am
so depressed about this. I don t want to go to the Dr. she assigned me to, I
want to go to her which I know is not possible. I just want to stop therapy, but
I am afraid of how I might feel down the road. Is this normal to become so
attached to your therapist? I feel like I lost a best friend.

Although you must realize that I can't offer you a diagnosis in this forum, I
can offer an opinion. I would agree with the diagnosis of your first doctor,
PTSD. I would also agree with the evaluation of the second doctor, BPD, and
admonish your first doctor for not doing her homework. Finally, despite what
seems like a reliving of your nightmare, you are making progress. Now, to
explain.

The trauma of abandonment, rape, and abortion in the mid-teens would most
certainly constellate PTSD. At it's most simplistic, PTSD is an inability to
cope
with the residual stress of some experience, both physiologically and
psychologically. Since there's no place for this inner turmoil to go, it comes
out in
different ways. For whatever reason, for you, the post-partum depression of
your second child triggered the latent memory of this trauma.

What you experienced in terms of the nightmares (which are called intrusions,
by the way), waking flashbacks (again, intrusions), anger, depression,
suicidal behavior, etc. is what I like to call the "tale of the telling".
Individuals who finally find themselves in a place where they can face their
original
trauma must completely re-live it and, as a consequence, are re-traumatized. The
feelings, emotions and behaviors that you experienced as an adult are all of
what you would have experienced as a child, if your psyche had been able to
handle it. Since it wasn't, it got shoved into a back closet and then emerged
later.

Here's the no homework part...people who suffer from PTSD often and usually
do manifest borderline or borderline-like symptoms. It is rare for them to
develop a full-blown Borderline Personality Disorder (although it does happen),
but, rather, to get into a borderline state -- usually right when the resolution
of the original trauma is reaching its peak. So, the doc in the ER ward
probably didn't know about the PTSD diagnosis or was not familiar with the
dynamic
from the borderline-ish side and your therapist was probably not familiar with
the borderline stuff from the PTSD side.

Last thing, do not stop therapy. What you are experiencing is characteristic
of the disorder complex...you feel abandoned. Force yourself to go to this new
therapist and use it as an opportunity to recognize that everything is
impermanent, things change and it's OK for things to change...that's what's at
the
crux of the borderline features that are informing the PTSD.

Michael J. Formica is a three time National Board Certified, Licensed Cl
inical Psychotherapist holding degrees in Psychology, Theology and Philosophy,
as
well as advanced degrees in Psychology, Psychotherapy and Counseling, and
Organizational Behavior from Columbia University. He is a Diplomate in both
Forensic Psychology and Sports Psychology, and was recently acknowledged as a
Diplomate Candidate in Clinical Psychotherapy by the American Psychotherapy
Association.


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]