How is PTSD related to criminal behavior?

National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet


Background

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is described in the DSM IV as "the
development of characteristic symptoms following exposure to an extreme
traumatic
stressor." In recent studies among incarcerated populations, PTSD has been
found in approximately 48% of female inmates and 30% of male inmates. The
following is an overview of PTSD, a discussion about how to arrive at a
diagnosis, an
explanation of how PTSD can play a role in criminal offenses, and a review of
how PTSD may be acknowledged in sentencing procedures.

PTSD can be linked to criminal behavior in two primary ways. First, symptoms
of PTSD can incidentally lead to criminal behavior. Second, offenses can be
directly connected to the specific trauma that an individual experienced.

Many symptoms of PTSD can lead to a lifestyle that is likely to result in
criminal behavior and/or sudden outbursts of violence. Individuals with PTSD are
often plagued by memories of the trauma and are chronically anxious. Often,
attempts are made to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. The emotional
numbness many trauma survivors experience can lead the survivor to engage in
sensation-seeking behavior in an attempt to experience some type of emotion.
Some
combat veterans also may seek to recreate the adrenaline rush experienced during
combat. Feeling the need to be always "on guard" can cause some to misinterpret
benign situations as threatening and cause them to respond with
self-protective behavior. Increased baseline physiological arousal results in
violent
behavior that is out of proportion to the perceived threat. It is common for
trauma
survivors to feel guilt, which can sometimes lead them to commit crimes that
will likely result in their apprehension, punishment, serious injury, or
death.

Crimes that are directly linked to traumatic stressors usually have certain
characteristics. Often, the defendant has no criminal history and cannot offer
a coherent explanation for the behavior. Others may also find it difficult to
discern any current motivation for the crime. The choice of a victim may seem
accidental, and an apparently benign situation may result in violence. There
may be amnesia surrounding all or part of the crime, and the individual may
report that there were numerous stressors prior to the crime that related
literally or psychologically to the original trauma. The act itself may also be
linked symbolically or realistically to the original trauma. However, the
individual is usually unaware of this connection.


     Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Getting Over Spiritual Abuse and Finding Grace


http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/listmania/list-browse/-/26SHZBHRQLX1M/ref=c\
m_lm_dp_m_1/103-1017657-4990206







[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Cure for Jealousy

And the LORD said to Moses, "Say to the people of Israel: 'Suppose a man's
wife goes astray and is unfaithful to her husband.  Suppose she sleeps with
another man, but there is no witness since she was not caught in the act.  If
her
husband becomes jealous and suspicious of his wife, even if she has not
defiled herself, the husband must bring his wife to the priest with an offering
of
two quarts of barley flour to be presented on her behalf.  Do not mix it with
olive oil or frankincense, for it is a jealousy offering – an offering of
inquiry to find out if she is guilty.  "'The priest must then present her
before
the LORD.  He must take some holy water in a clay jar and mix it with dust from
the Tabernacle floor.  When he has presented her before the LORD, he must
unbind her hair and place the offering of inquiry – the jealousy offering –
in
her hands to determine whether or not her husband's suspicions are justified.
 The priest will stand before her, holding the jar of bitter water that brings
a
curse to those who are guilty.  The priest will put the woman under oath and
say to her, "If no other man has slept with you, and you have not defiled
yourself by being unfaithful, may you be immune from the effects of this bitter
water that causes the curse.  But if you have gone astray while under your
husband's authority and defiled yourself by sleeping with another man"- at this
point the priest must put the woman under this oath – "then may the people see
that the LORD's curse is upon you when he makes you infertile.  Now may this
water that brings the curse enter your body and make you infertile.  "And the
woman will be required to say, "Yes, let it be so."  Then the priest will write
these curses on a piece of leather and wash them off into the bitter water.  He
will then make the woman drink the bitter water, so it may bring on the curse
and cause bitter suffering in cases of guilt.  "'Then the priest will take
the jealousy offering from the woman's hand, lift it up before the LORD, and
carry it to the altar.  He will take a handful as a token portion and burn it
on
the altar.  Then he will require the woman to drink the water.  If she has
defiled herself by being unfaithful to her husband, the water that brings the
curse will cause bitter suffering.  She will become infertile, and her name
will
become a curse word among her people.  But if she has not defiled herself and
is pure, she will be unharmed and will still be able to have children.  "'This
is the ritual law for dealing with jealousy.  If a woman defiles herself by
being unfaithful to her husband, or if a man is overcome with jealousy and
suspicion that his wife has been unfaithful, the husband must present his wife
before the LORD, and the priest will apply this entire ritual law to her.  The
husband will be innocent of any guilt in this matter, but his wife will be held
accountable for her sin.'   (Numbers 5:11-31 NLT)

Taken from Evil Bible Quotes of the Day

http://www.evilbible.com/May.htm



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Elements of Spiritual Abuse

It seems that newspaper headlines these days are full of examples of
spiritual abuse, describing situations of people being victimized in both cults
and
churches. In critiquing the ins and outs of spiritual abuse, one often finds
that people have been hurt by legalism, authoritarian leadership, manipulation,
excessive discipline, spiritual intimidation and much more.

Perhaps one could give a number of characteristics common to the problem and
a lot of time given to the definition of "spiritual abuse," but instead of
asking the WHAT questions, maybe a better understanding would come if the WHY
questions are asked: Why do some people stay in abusive relationships? Or, why
do
they get into them in the first place? The authors of the book The Subtle
Power of Spiritual Abuse, David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, suggest that
people
learn to be victimized, or are powerless by experiencing relationships that
have either prepared them to be abused, or not prepared them to not be abused.
Such relationships could be labeled as "shame-based" relationships.

"Shame-based relationships are relationships based on messages of shame: You
are so weak and defective that you are nothing without this relationship.
Shame becomes the glue that holds things together. It is the force that
motivates
people to refrain from certain behaviors and to do others" (p. 55).

If families, churches, or groups are shame-based, they are more than likely
sending messages to their members that they are: "not loved and accepted; not
even lovable or acceptable; only loved and accepted if, when, or because they
perform well; not capable, valuable, or worthwhile; very alone, not really
belonging anywhere, to anything, or with anyone" (p. 55).

On pages 56-59 of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, the authors list the
following seven characteristics of shame-based relationships which will help
explain why people are "caught up" in these abusive relationships:

1. OUT-LOUD SHAMING The dynamic: This is the "shame on you" that comes from
belittling. It is any message communicated out loud that says, "Something is
wrong with you."

The effects: Negative view of self, even self-hatred.

2. FOCUS ON PERFORMANCE The dynamic: How people act is more important than
who they are. Love and acceptance are earned by doing or not doing certain
things.

The effects: Perfectionism, or giving up without trying; view of God as more
concerned with how you act than who you are; cannot ask for help; high need
for the approval of others.

3. MANIPULATION The dynamic: Relationships and behaviors are manipulated by
very powerful unspoken rules. Yet the unspoken rules communicate these and
other shaming messages.

Coding: Messages are sent through a verbal code that others are supposed to
decode. "Don't you think it would be better this way?" means, "I want you to do
it this way."

Triangling: This means to send a message to someone through another person,
instead of delivering it directly.

The effects: Great "radar" - the ability to pick up tension in situations and
relationships; ability to decode messages; talking about people instead of to
them; difficulty trusting people.

4. IDOLATRY The dynamic: The "god" served by the shame-based relationship
system is an impossible-to-please judge. It is a god invented to enforce the
performance standard.

The effects: Distorted image of God; high level of anxiety; high need to
control thoughts, feelings and behaviors of others.

5. PREOCCUPATION WITH FAULT AND BLAME The dynamic: Reaction is swift and
furious toward the one who fails to perform the way the system deems fit.
Responsibility and accountability are not the issues here: Fault and blame are
the
issues. The shame-based system wants a confession in order to know whom to
shame.

The effects: The sense that if something is wrong or someone is upset you
must have caused it; a high need to be punished for or to pay for mistakes in
order to feel good about yourself; difficulty forgiving self.

6. OBSCURED REALITY The dynamic: Members are to deny any thought that is
different from those of people in authority. Anything that has the potential to
shame those in authority is ignored or denied. Interaction with people and
places outside the system threatens the order of things. Consequently, you can't
find out what "normal" is. Problems are denied, and therefore they remain.

The effects: Out-of-touch with feelings, needs, thoughts; ignoring your
"radar" because you are being "too critical;" feel like no one else understands
you; threatened by opinions that differ from yours; suspicious or afraid of
others.

7. UNBALANCED INTERRELATEDNESS The dynamic: Either under involved or over
involved with each other. Consequently, rules take the place of people. There is
no relationship structure in which to learn about behaviors and consequences.
People find out about life alone and by accident.

The effects: Fear of being deserted; high need for structure; a sense that if
there is a problem, you have to solve it; feeling selfish for having needs;
putting up boundaries that keep safe people away; feelings of guilt when you
haven't done anything wrong.

When evaluating the emotional foundation the shame-based systems create, it
is clear that honesty and trust are undermined in the relationship. This can
also hinder a person's maturing in a relationship with God. Codependence, or the
dependence upon a person or group, can also grow in this type of shame-based
system. Ultimately, a person can lose a correct perception of reality because
the only reality that can be identified with is within a shame-based system.






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

BOUNDARIES, RIGHTS, AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Setting boundaries means that we are taking responsibility, being adult and
demanding equality and respect in relationship.

Setting boundaries reflects our right to say NO to those things that aren't
right for us.

Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter
what happens, where we go or who we're with.

Boundaries emerge from a deep sense of our personal rights; especially the
right to be ourselves and take care of ourselves.

Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust and listen to ourselves.

Boundaries emerge from a belief that what we want, need, like and dislike is
important.

Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and
don't deserve.


TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened, "suffocated" or
victimized are clues to boundaries you need to set.

When you identify a need to set a boundary or a limit with someone, do it
clearly, preferably without anger and in as few words as possible.

You cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and take care of their
feelings--they may be hurt, angry or disappointed with you.

You'll probably be ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.

Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with the boundaries you
set.

You'll be tested when you set boundaries.

Some people are happy to respect your boundaries.

A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and enforce
boundaries.

You'll set boundaries when you are ready and not a minute sooner.

There's a satisfying side to setting boundaries--it feels good.


EXAMPLES OF SETTING BOUNDARIES

"You don't have a right to tell me what to think, or invalidate my feelings."

"Don't vent your anger on me, I won't have it."

"This is mine, you don't have a right to use it as yours."

"I won't accept your belittling jokes, your criticism or your condescending
attitude toward me."

"I won't be disrespected -- If you won't respect me, then stay away."

"Keep your hands off me."

"Stop doing that...or I'll leave; report you; file charges, (etc.)."

"Don't try to tell me what to do."

"If we're going to have a working relationship, I need honesty, respect &
equality."

"I need to communicate when we have a misunderstanding."

"I need openness and sharing in a relationship -- your withholding is making
our relationship not satisfying for me."


HOW TO MAINTAIN YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

Ask directly for what you want. This shows who you are to others.


Nurture yourself and your integrity. This creates an inner, intuitive sense
that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful abusive, or invasive.

Be objective about others' behavior toward you without getting caught in
their drama.

Maintain a bottom line -- a limit to how many times you allow someone to say
no, lie, disappoint, or betray you before you will admit the painful reality
and move on.

Change the locus of trust from others to yourself. Don't put yourself in
someone else's hands or expect infallibility. Trust that you can allow others to
be normally human and still have satisfying intimacy.

�

     Always do right. That will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

~ Mark Twain


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

DOOR KNOB BOUNDARIES

"Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter
what happens, where we go, or who we're with.

Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and
don't deserve.

Boundaries emerge from belief that what we want and need, like and dislike,
is important.

Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the
right we have to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves.

Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves.

The goal of having and setting boundaries isn't to build thick walls around
ourselves.

The purpose is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to
others without the threat of losing ourselves, smothering them, trespassing, or
being invaded.

Boundaries are the key to loving relationships.

When we have a sense of self, we'll be able to experience closeness and
intimacy. We'll be able to love and to be loved.

Intimacy, play, and creativity require loss of control. Only when we have
boundaries and know we can trust ourselves to enforce them and take care of
ourselves, will we be able to let go enough to SOAR. These same activities help
develop a sense of self, for it is through LOVE, PLAY, and CREATIVITY that we
begin to understand who we are and become reassured we can trust ourselves.

Having boundaries means having a self strong, NURTURED, HEALTHY and CONFIDENT
enough to LET GO--and come back again INTACT."

From the book: "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie

EGO BOUNDARIES

"Ego boundary is the internal strength by which a person has an ego barrier
to guard his inner space. This is the means the individual uses to screen and
interpret the outside world. It is also the structure a person uses to cope
with, and modulate his/her interactions with the world."

From the book: "Bradshaw On The Family" by John Bradshaw

STRONG EGO BOUNDARIES

������� __________
������ /��������� \
����� /������� __� \
���� /���� ___/� |� \��� Trust������ (Hope)
��� |����������� |�� |�� Autonomy��� (Will Power)
��� |����� ___�� |�� |�� Initiative� (Purpose)
���� \������� \__|� /��� Industry��� (Competence)
����� \����������� /
������ \��������� /
������� \________/

The door knob is on the inside
of the door which enables the
setter of the boundaries to dictate
access gained. This is a safe and
appropriately protected reality
where ego boundaries are concerned.
A healthy functioning model.



WEAK EGO BOUNDARIES

������� __________
������ /��������� \
����� /����������� \����� __����� Mistrust
���� (������������� ) ___/� |���� Shame
���� |������������� | ___�� |���� Guilt
���� (������������� )��� \__|���� Inferiority
����� \����������� /
������ \��������� /
������� \________/

The door knob is on the outside
of the door which in essence gives
others free access as they see fit.
More or less open access to you with
weak ego boundaries. Less safety
than in the case of strong ego boundaries.



BROKEN EGO BOUNDARIES

������� __________
������ /��������� \
����� /����������� \
���� (������������� )���� Confusion
���� |������������� |���� Helplessness
���� (������������� )���� Powerlessness
����� \����������� /
������ \��������� /
������� \________/

When one has broken ego boundaries,
or essentially no ego boundaries, then
one is like a house whose doors have
no knobs. Essentially then there are
no boundaries and there can be no sense
of control or safety from inside or outside.
This is a wide open and not so safe position
to be in. It is from here enmeshment can
easily occur and or the lines of individuation
between self and others may quickly get blurred.
When we have broken ego boundaries we often
have to call on other more mal-adaptive coping/
defense mechanisms to survive and we often are
not aware where we begin and end as opposed to
where others begin and end.




     Always do right. That will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

~ Mark Twain


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How goes it it in sunny CA? I hope all is well with you!

Free Terri

     No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Often, we can learn much about ourselves from the people to whom we are
attracted.  As we progress, we learn we can no longer form relationships solely
on the basis of attraction. We learn to be patient, to allow ourselves to take
into account important facts, and to process information about that person. What
we are striving for is a healthy attraction to people. We allow ourselves to be
attracted to who people are, not to their potential or to what we hope they are.
The more we work through our family of origin issues, the less we will find
ourselves needing to work through them with people we're attracted to. Finishing
our business from the past helps us form new and healthier relationships. The
more we overcome our need to be excessive caretakers, the less we will find
ourselves attracted to people who need to be constantly taken care of. The more
we learn to love and respect ourselves, the more we will become attracted to
people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect.
This is a slow process. We need to patient with ourselves. The type of people we
find ourselves attracted to does not change overnight. Being attracted to
dysfunctional people can linger long. That does not mean we need to allow it to
control us. The fact is, we will initiate and maintain relationships with people
we need to be with until we learn what it is we need to learn. No matter who we
find ourselves relating to, and what we discover happening in the relationship,
the issue is still about us, and not about the other person. That is the heart,
the hope, and the power of becoming conscious.
We can learn to take care of ourselves during the process of initiating and
forming relationships. We can learn to go slowly. We can learn to pay attention.
We can allow ourselves to make mistakes, even when we know better. We can stop
blaming our relationships on God, and begin to take responsibility for them. We
can learn to enjoy the healthy relationships, and remove ourselves more quickly
from the dysfunctional ones. We can learn to look for what's good for us,
instead of what's good for the other person.
God, help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating
relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to
learn.  I will trust that the people I want and need will come into my life.  I
understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and
ability to refuse to enter into it -- even though the other person thinks it may
be good for him or her.  I will be open to the lessons I need to learn about me
in relationships, so I am prepared for the best possible relationships with
people.
Melody Beattie �




juanita687@...


                  ��� ���`���   please include a link back to SS in forwarded
material -�.��� ���`���
                                                                              
thank you kindly

                                       (C) 
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Spiritually_Speaking
                                             
spiritually_speaking-subscribe@yahoogroups.com    : )




To read messages from the web at your leisure, send a blank email to:
Spiritually_Speaking-nomail@yahoogroups.com





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links

   a.. To visit your group on the web, go to:
   http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Spiritually_Speaking/

   b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
   Spiritually_Speaking-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

   c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Staying “For the Kids”

[Never a big one for subtlety, in this section I belt out a few key points
about the idea that we should stay in a dysfunctional marriage for the sake of
our children. It probably deserves a little more introduction, but it will
serve. At one time I was a believer in this concept, but if you’ve read my
history
you know that I later decided my kids would be better off with a functioning
father. Well, I think I’m functioning now, and they have continued to do well.
It is a tradeoff – there are plusses and minuses to either choice when one
parent is seriously troubled. The key is to look at the plusses and minuses of
both options, and not just to lock yourself in without consideration.]

Staying “For the Kids”

Feelings of parental obligation seem to me to be the strongest force that
keeps people in hurtful relationships.

We tend to believe that to be a good parent, we must provide our children
with an intact family above all else. To this end, we tolerate abuse, isolation,
and even allow our relationship with the children - the same children we seek
to protect and nurture - to be limited and damaged.

Here again, there are problems with this “must”:

Options - We assume that an intact family is always better. We don’t think
about what it means to that family when one parent is ill and out of control. We
don’t consider how a healthy parent’s interaction with the children is
dominated, restricted, and limited by the dysfunction in the home. And we
don’t
consider what the potential is for the children to have relationships in a
different family structure - one where one healthy parent is truly free to have
a
full, healthy relationship with the children.

Modeling - We don’t consider the impact on the children of the modeling we
give in an unhealthy family. Children learn to do what they live with. In a
dysfunctional home, children learn dysfunction. It’s not realistic to think
that a
family with one parent who becomes dysphoric, acts out, rages, and puts their
emotions before all others – even if it is only some of the time - can model
for children a healthy relationship. We ignore the damage that the
dysfunctional modeling does, and we ignore the potential to model a healthy
relationship
for them with a healthy partner.

Safety - We become so used to abuse, so accustomed to using our adult skills
to cope with abuse and dysphoria, that we don’t realize the home may not be
emotionally safe for the children. Really, in our obligations as a parent, the
safety of the children must be among the first –certainly more urgent and
important than providing an intact family model. Yet our own psychological
defenses
– denial and even dissociation – prevent us from understanding how
potentially unsafe the home may be.

Nons are usually devoted to their children. But understanding the whole
picture, with all the trade-offs in providing what our children need, is
essential
if we are to free ourselves from blind obligation to keep them in an intact
but dysfunctional family.


Are you staying in an abusive marriage because you think your kids need it?
Want to look at this another way?


Your life is going by even as you read this. Is it slipping away without
getting what you want?


Have you been reading excerpts for a while? Are you ready to buy the book and
get serious about change?


One reader: “I just wish to thank you for your enlightenment.  Your writings
are incredible and really echo my feelings."


What if Tears and Healing helped you to change?


© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher

http://tearsandhealing.com/

     No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

ABUSE-EXCUSE.COM

http://www.abuse-excuse.com/ae_home.html

Provides resource information and more to parents and others unjustly accused
of child abuse, physical child abuse (including Shaken Baby Syndrome), child
neglect, sexual child abuse, child pornography via the Internet, "repressed"
memories, sexual harassment, or domestic violence (spousal abuse).



     No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

What is a Pot-Stirrer?

A pot-stirrer can be a domestic partner, family member, or friend - or even
the stranger who joins support groups and other organizations - with the agenda
of causing disruption, conflict, and animosity within a group or at least
between two persons. The pot-stirrer often exhibits any of the following:


Victim Mentality
Feels society owes them
Whining
Pessimism
Negativity
Maliciousness
Anger
Jealousy/Envy
Loneliness internally, but often excessively social outwardly
Passive-aggressiveness
Bad attitude
Manipulation
Sniper
Gossiping
Disruptive
Disrespectful
Non-supportive
Violations of Rules and Code (team-playing)


Example of an online pot-stirrer: This individual will join an online support
group not to get help from/give help to others but, rather, to complain,
criticize, attack, etc. in order to cause disruption, conflict, and animosity
within a group. This person often plays the role of "the victim" or "the
innocent," at least initially, but is quite angry internally and premeditates
causing
grief for others. If called on for engaging in counterproductive, offensive, or
injurious behavior, the pot-stirrer will often then try to rally others
around him/her to support, defend, and fight his/her cause because he/she feels
so
weak and inferior standing alone.

This is accomplished by soliciting either gullible or like-minded persons
(others who are just as angry and disrespectful, for instance, as the
pot-stirrer
is) to gang up on the pot-stirrer's target of choice, and by "twisting" the
facts (e.g., taking e-mails/posts out of context, sharing e-mails/posts with
third-parties without permission, editing contents of e-mails/posts before
sending them to others, omitting relevant information in order to make
themselves
look "good" and others look "bad"). By the time a pot-stirrer is done, at least
two or more people (who might not even know each other), and who normally
wouldn't have any conflict otherwise, will feel hostile toward and mistrusting
of
each other.

Example of a domestic partner pot-stirrer: You cook a lovely dinner for the
family of your mate. Your sister-in-law whispers to your husband, "It's a
delicious meal! Too bad I can't eat more of the baked bread, though. I think my
temporary filling is coming loose." After the family leaves, your mate tells you
that his sister told him she "couldn't eat the dinner because it tasted like
burnt, rock hard, dog doo!" You reply defensively, "Really? I thought she liked
it. She had three servings!" Then your mate adds, "Oh, she's always
complaining like that. She even said I was a lousy electrician." You become even
more
angry; wanting to protect your mate from this malicious woman, too!

Your mate later contacts his sister, "My wife said you eat like a pig! She
said she's never seen someone gobble up so much food in one sitting. She always
says nasty things like that. She told me I am a bad provider, too." Etc. By
the time the pot-stirrer is done, both you and his sister dislike and mistrust
each other, and you may even feel protective toward the pot-stirrer (after all,
he's only trying to protect each of YOU by letting you know what the other
really thinks, isn't he?). Of course, sometimes pot-stirrers repeat truthful
comments, but ones which are always certain to be hurtful nonetheless, because
pot-stirrers simply are not happy-campers unless everyone around them is
fighting with each other and protecting the pot-stirrer all the while.

Pot-stirrers are abusive! See it for what it is and just say no to Sewage
Soup...



     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How the Abuser Brainwashes the Victim

"Emotional abuse is a devastating, debilitating heart and soul mutilation.
The deepest lasting wound with any abuse is the emotional wound."� - Robert
Burney

Biderman's Chart of Coercion:� the process of abusive brainwashing:

Isolation:� Deprives victim of all social support [necessary for the] ability
to resist. Develops an intense concern with self. Makes victim dependent upon
interrogator.

Monopolization of Perception:� Fixes attention upon immediate predicament;
fosters introspection. Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the
captor. Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.

Induced Debility & Exhaustion:� Weakens mental and physical ability to
resist.

Threats:� Cultivates anxiety and despair.

Occasional Indulgences:� Provides positive motivation for compliance.

Demonstrating "Omnipotence":� Suggests futility of resistance.

Enforcing Trivial Demands:� Develops habit of compliance.

Degradation:� Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to self-esteem
than capitulation. Reduces prisoner [abuse victim] to "animal level" concerns.

NO, this does not mean your partner is a supremely intelligent individual. It
means they are a dysfunctional abusive person. Those highly effective
techniques for manipulation are a natural part of who they are. As you will read
under Inside the Mind of An Abuser, these people are all pretty much the same
type
of character... sharing a great many thinking patterns and behaviors.

The abuser keeps the victim unaware of what is going on and what changes are
taking place. Your partner might control your finances, make plans for you, or
even talk or gossip about you to others behind your back in order to isolate
you from them.

The abuser controls the victim's time and physical environment, and works to
suppress much of the victim's old behavior. Your partner might have insisted
that you stop certain social, hobby, or work activities. He may have moved you
to a new location, farther away from your family and other supportive
contacts.

The abuser instills in the victim a sense of powerlessness, fear, and
dependency. Verbal and emotional abuse amplifies these emotions, and they become
stronger and stronger over time. Your partner puts forth a closed system of
logic,
and allows no real input or criticism. In other words... What he says, goes.


Abusive Breakdown Tactics - the tools of abuse

Here are some of the tactics abuser's use to hurt you... to take you down and
keep you there. How many do you recognize?

Verbal Assaults: Berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming,
threatening, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing
flaws out of proportion and making fun of you in front of others. Over time,
this
type of abuse erodes your sense of self confidence and self-worth.

Domination: The abuser wants to control your every action. They have to have
their own way, and will resort to threats to get it. When you allow someone
else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.

Emotional Blackmail: The abuser plays on your fear, guilt, compassion,
values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include threats
to
end the relationship, the "cold shoulder," or use other controlling fear
tactics.

Gaslighting: The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that
certain things were said. You know differently. The other person may deny your
perceptions, memory and very sanity. It is this act of abuse which makes you
begin to think you are crazy or losing your mind.

Unpredictable Responses: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts.
Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to
the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the
next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being
abused with unpredictable responses.

This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always
waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of
you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next
outburst or change of mood.

An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone
like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused
person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.

Abusive Expectations: The other person places unreasonable demands on you and
wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a
demand for constant attention, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend
all your free time with the person. But no matter how much you give, it's never
enough. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly
berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

Constant Chaos: The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in
constant conflict with others. The person may be "addicted to drama" since it
creates excitement.

� 2003 by heart-2-heart.ca




     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Gaslighting and Reality

Imagine that you got up one morning and everything was different. Suppose
that your life partner asked you why you were wearing a blue shirt when you knew
you were wearing a white shirt and seemed puzzled when you insisted that you
saw it as white. Suppose you got to work and your telephone extension had been
changed from 4432 to 4435 but everyone insisted that it had always been 4435.

Imagine what you would begin to think if you pointed out a new piece of art
in your favorite restaurant only to be told by your lunch partner that it had
always hung just where it was. Imagine that you began to notice that you
experienced a reality slightly but significantly different from the reality
other
people experienced.

What if these sort of oddities began happening day in and day out? The world
that other people perceived, understood, and remembered was different from the
world you understood. And now suppose that this condition persisted, not just
for days, but for weeks, months, and even years.

What do you think would begin to happen inside of you? You might get angry
with everyone in the world because they saw the world differently from you - you
might continue to insist that you are right. But after a while your anger
would probably fade. If you have a shred of rationality, you would begin to
think, "How likely is it that I alone think my shirt is white, my phone number
is
4432, and the painting is new? If everyone I trust thinks the world is
different from the way I think the world is, there must be something wrong with
me."

If you have a shred of rationality, you would begin to think that it was you.
Your anger and frustration would begin to shift and include anxiety or even
fear, depression, confusion, and self-doubt. If you have a shred of
rationality, you would wonder if you might be going crazy.

Watch a baby test the world and learn about her reality detection devices.
The baby reaches out her hand, picks up the pretty bobble, raises it over her
head, and lets it fall back to the surface. She giggles with glee. She is
delighted by her reliable and consistent understanding of the way gravity works
in
the universe. She couldn't tell you that. But inside, she knows what she is
learning. She is learning that reality is consistent and that her senses are
reliable devices for detecting reality. Her self-esteem is building. She is
thinking (in baby think), "I can, I can, I can..."

Surprise changes in reality are amusing in small, brief doses. It is why we
like jokes and are excited by thunder. When reality briefly defies our
perception, we get a rush from the novelty and then quickly restore ourselves to
reality. But the story is different if reality is altered in permanent ways. It
is
a different story if those we trust to help us remain in touch with reality
tell us that we are not in touch with reality. We begin to feel odd. "I see dead
people".

We check out reality with other people all the time. It is part of how we
keep our reality detection devices properly tuned. "Do you see what I see? Is it
me or is that ladies hair on fire?" Our self-esteem suffers and our trust in
ourselves begins to erode if our reality detection devices begin to seem
unreliable. In the end, we begin to think we are crazy. This is an essential
component of bona fide Brainwashing. If you have complete control over another
person
and you make reality unpredictable, they have to rely on you for reality.
"Today is Tuesday. So is Tomorrow." The organizing fabric of reality as derived
from sensory and perception begins to deteriorate if that reality is not
validated by those around us. This is a technique for making other people crazy.

This sort of reality distortion is a principal plot device in the play and
movie, Gaslight. A man marries a naive young woman and sets out to drive her
crazy so that he can steal her jewels. Each time he leaves the house the gas
lights dim and she hears footsteps on the floor above (he sneaks back in by a
secret stairway, dims the light, and walks the floor). No one else notices and
he
insists that he was away. She begins to think she is crazy. The more the
victim of Gaslighting trusts the person who is bending reality, the more the
victim
suffers.

Some people claim that the partner of someone who is having an affair always
knows. I doubt that is true. But I do think that partners often know that
something is amiss - if they pay attention to their intuition. And that holds
for
more than affairs. I think most people detect subtle shifts in the conduct and
emotion and mood - the aspect if you will - of their partners. When we detect
shifts, we check it out by asking questions. Usually, if our intuition is
working and our friends are truthful, they validate our intuition.

Sex addicts lie to keep their secret lives secret. They lie by omission and
commission. They lie to lots of people. Most especially, they lie to their
partners. They lie to cover up. They lie when their partners ask questions and
express suspicion and doubt. Addicts gaslight their partners. This is one of the
wounds that partners suffer and must heal.

When addicts get into recovery they are often surprised by the intensity of
their partners reactions. But reflect on the little thought experiment that
began this essay. When you deceived your partner, you caused her or him to call
reality into question. You damaged their relationship with reality. Because
your partner trusted you - trusted that you would not distort reality - your
partner may have felt quite crazy. There is relief for partners when they know
the
truth - they begin to know that they are not crazy and so can begin to
restore their own relationship with reality. But trust does not restore quickly.

Return to your imagination and think what you would think and feel if your
partner and coworkers and friends admitted that they had been deliberately
distorting reality to keep secrets and make you crazy. Imagine that they had
been
doing that for years. Even if those people disclosed their acts, expressed
their remorse, and promised never to do that again, how long would it take you
to
again trust them to validate your reality?

Author Unknown




     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Brainwashing


[This essay on brainwashing was one of the very first things I wrote at the
beginning of my process of reclaiming reality. At the time my then-wife was
periodically raging at me for extended periods; tearing brutally at my
self-esteem; and struggling to her utmost to keep me isolated from support. She
was,
indeed, trying to spin a completely reversed reality around me and use verbal
brutality to prevent any healthy forces from disturbing that. It is a popular
and
widely read section, because abusive partners aggressively distort our
reality to justify and stabilize their illness.

For those uninitiated, NECW stands for Not Even Close Wife - a parody of her
denial that she was ill - "Not even close!" to having BPD. Well, old proverb
say man with duck doo on feet most probably have duck in house.]

Brainwashing -

An unsent Letter to my NECW

As part of my struggle to know where reality starts and insanity stops, I
wrote this letter to my wife.  No, I didn’t send it to her. It would only have
triggered an angry response, and would never have been forgiven. But I needed to
do this to really see the true extent of what was happening to me.

Dear NECW,

Today I am going to write to you about how you are destroying my self-esteem.
I’m going to use a description of brainwashing from p. 63 of Stop Walking on
Eggshells (p. 171). So let me show you how you are doing this to me:

·        Isolate the victim: This one is clear. You have insisted that I can
only talk to a therapist about my life. Then when I’ve tried to do this,
you’
ve told me you can’t deal with this, and implicitly threatened to lose control
and attack me even further if I had my own therapist. When I talk to someone
at work, you attack me, and tell me I could have talked to my father, your
mother, my brother, my friend. When I talk to my father, you accuse me of
destroying trust in the relationship. In short, you insist that I isolate myself
from
everyone else in my life.

·        Expose them to consistent messages:  Over and over again, you tell
me how I am sick, how I will not take blame for our problems, how I never talk
to you, never touch you, never respond when you “beg” me to change. You
continue to attack me for dressing, acting, choosing cars and telephones in ways
you don’t want. You’re not asking for change. You’re not asking for
anything.
You’re telling me you think I’m worthless and expressing unbounded contempt
for me.

·        Add some form of abuse: Your rages are abuse of the first order. And
contrary to your assertions, these aren’t new. They’ve only become more
frequent and more intense. They are violent, deliberately hurtful attacks. They
serve no purpose except to demoralize me. When you are not raging, you are
acting out quietly: calling me at work dysphoric, accusing me of not being
alone;
getting me in a room or on the phone and not letting go of me even though no
purpose is served. This is painful and abusive.

·        Get the person to doubt what they know: This one is one you’re
getting better at. Now that your therapists have had a look at me, you’re
perfectly
positioned to bombard with me “credible” assertions about how awful I am.
You consistently tell me what you say your therapist said about me - always bad.
I know these are distortions, based on what you say, but over and over you
use this tactic, and it creates doubt. Why does everyone in the world think well
of me but you and your therapists?

·        Keep them on their toes: This is your best. You are always
unpredictable. Anything can change your mood from stable to threatened. When
threatened, you become accusing, critical, and often attack me. I never know
what is
going to happen when I answer my phone, what you are going to do when you walk
into the study, who will be standing in the kitchen when I come in.

·        Wear them down: see all of the above.

So you see, you are intent on destroying my self-esteem - brainwashing me to
think badly of myself - and you work tirelessly toward that end. And I deserve
better than that.



Your life is going by even as you read this. Is it slipping away without
getting what you want?


Have you been reading excerpts for a while? Are you ready to buy the book and
get serious about change?


One reader: “I just wish to thank you for your enlightenment.  Your writings
are incredible and really echo my feelings."


Tears and Healing has over 80 sections like this one. Every one has a message
with meaning. Couldn't you make your life better with the whole book?

© 2005 Richard, 21CP Author and Publisher



     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hi Max:

Welcome to the group! Congratulations on leaving your abusive partner,
although I am sorry to hear that you are still being abused by him. I have never
experienced the fight-over-money-and-possessions aftermath of an abusive
relationship because I left with nothing when I moved out of my abusive ex's
house
(since we weren't married). Although, at that juncture, I was so desperate to
just get AWAY from him that I highly doubt even if we were married that I would
have wanted to contend with being abused by him in court, too, by fighting for
"things."

If economically I absolutely had to, however, I'd gather as much
documentation as possible regarding what he was financially responsible for and
then try
to find an attorney to handle matters. I would not communicate with him AT ALL
myself, whenever able to avoid doing so, because that just allows him further
opportunity to abuse you.

I would also set a very firm boundary with mutual friends and explain to
them, "You have the right to believe whomever you choose in this matter, but I
will not tolerate any commentary directed toward me that supports further
victimization of me. I've been abused enough by him as it is." Otherwise, you
know,
TRUE friends won't just assume you are the "bad guy" without hearing your side,
so the opinion of untrue friends and gossipmongers wouldn't interest me
anyway.

Here are some resources/books you might find helpful. Some are for abused gay
men, and some are for abused men in general. I've also included links for
books on Toxic Parents and Codependency since you indicated that you've been
abused all your life. Unfortunately, there is not a whole lot of information
available presently on abused gay men specifically, even though some stats
support
them abusing at the same ratio as heterosexual men and women, but hopefully
this will change. You can also get many of these books from your library for
free, or in the "used books" section of amazon.com at a great discount!:


Gay Partner Abuse Project

http://www.gaypartnerabuseproject.org/index.html


Domestic Violence in Gay Couples

http://www.psychpage.com/gay/library/gay_lesbian_violence/index.html


Same Sex Dating Violence


http://www.brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/sexual_as\
sault/ssdv.htm


Help for Battered and Abused Men

http://www.batteredmen.com/


Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men

http://www.batteredmenshelpline.org/


Free Yourself From an Abusive Relationship by Richard Kraus, Andrea Lissette

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0897932579/templeofwisdo-20

*Reviewer: Finally, a book for male victims of domestic violence...This is
one of the few domestic violence books that is written in gender neutral terms,
and includes examples of men who are victimized.


Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them: Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence
(Haworth Gay & Lesbian Studies) by David Island

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0918393973/templeofwisdo-20

*Editorial Review: Both a groundbreaking exposure of gay battering and a
self-help book for gay men who face the double burden of being victims for whom
there are no shelters and little sympathy.


Same-Sex Domestic Violence: Strategies for Change by Sandra Lundy (Editor),
Beth Leventhal (Editor)

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0761903232/templeofwisdo-20

*Editorial Review: This book examines a broad range of issues that confront
victims of same-sex domestic violence, whether women or men, and those who
offer them services. The goal is to provide a comprehensive resource book
consisting of chapters by prominent professionals and activists on topics of
practical
concern to people who work with victims of same-sex partner abuse, Topics
such as HIV, and same-sex domestic violence, establishing safe-home networks for
battered gay men, courtroom advocacy, coalition building, and sexual and
dating violence prevention. In each chapter, authors are sensitive and
responsive
to multicultural issues and to broad issues of social oppression and avoid
"one-size-fits-all" assumptions and conclusions.


Abused Men by Philip W. Cook

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0275958620/templeofwisdo-20

*Synopsis: When most people think of domestic violence, images of battered
women or abused children come to mind. But there is another side to this issue
that is not as familiar--abused men. This unique book is the first to
comprehensively examine this important but neglected social issue. Already
praised by a
diverse spectrum of readers--from "Dear Abby's" Abigail Van Buren, to the
nation's leading domestic violence researcher, to those in law enforcement and
counseling--this work is sure to spark controversy and discussion. It offers
gripping, emotional stories, self-help for victims, and provocative insight into
public issues, and provides a basic reference source for professionals. Abused
Men presents practical solutions for reducing domestic violence, whether its
victims are male or female.


Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by
Susan Forward

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553381407/templeofwisdo-20

*Synopsis: All parents fall short from time to time. But Susan Forward pulls
no punches when it comes to those whose deficiencies cripple their children
emotionally. Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of
parental manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers
of self worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the
frustrating relationship patterns learned at home.

Are you the child of toxic parents?

When you were a child...

• Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
• Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
• Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
• Were you often frightened of your parents?
• Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you’re an adult...

• Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
• Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time
with your parents?
• Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you
with money?
• Do you feel that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your
parents?

In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories
and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free
yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents
—
  and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional
independence.


(*Awesome book!) Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls (a cosmic
perspective of codependence and the human condition) by Robert Burney

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0964838311/templeofwisdo-20

*Reader Review: A startling and persuasive new take on the new age by a
Twelve Step enthusiast. With a compelling writing style that doesn't just dance
around the subject. . . He works with wounded souls in his private practice,
repairing dysfunctional attitudes about human perfection. And his message is
clear. We are not just human creatures stumbling around finding ways to earn and
justify a spiritual nature. Just the opposite. We are Spiritual beings having a
human experience. And Burney drills home his zealous message. "We are not
being punished."

He examines organized religions, scientific principles, the scourge of aids,
other human conditions. And concludes that it's time we healed, purged
punishment, found our spiritual purpose, enjoyed life. He also confronts some of
the
new age channelers and psychics who shake fingers at those who fall to common
human frailty. Readers will find a penetrating synthesis of Twelve Step
Recovery, contemporary and ancient principles in his Cosmic Perspective.
Burney's
comments are innovative and inspiring, and may just be the answer for so many
seeking spiritual guidance. They ring of honesty, and they will cause many to
ponder.

*Synopsis: This joyously inspirational Spiritual book presents a set of
beliefs about the meaning and purpose of life from a Cosmic Perspective that
combines Twelve Step Recovery Principles with Ancient Metaphysical Truths. It
explains why a New Age has dawned in human consciousness on planet Earth and
explores the interrelationship between subjects that range from the Bible,
Buddha,
and Jesus to quantum physics, molecular biology, and AIDS.

The belief system the book is based upon is exemplified by this quote from
The Dance of Wounded Souls: "We are not sinful, shameful human creatures who
have to somehow earn Spirituality. We are Spiritual Beings having a human
experience. We are here to experience and learn, to touch and to feel."

The author, a therapist who specializes in codependence/inner child healing,
not only explains the big picture of how we are all ONE, part of one Cosmic
energy interaction that is unfolding perfectly, he also offers insights into how
the individual being can lovingly change their relationship with self and
life in order to transform their human experience into a much more enjoyable
adventure. This is a life-changing, life-affirming book.

*Visit Burney’s website for lots of goodies from this amazing book!

http://www.joy2meu.com


Info on Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships

[reprinted with permission from the authors]


Nature of Abuse:

Abuse in relationships is any behavior or pattern of behavior used to coerce,
dominate or isolate the other partner.  It is the use of any form of power
that is imposed by one partner over the other to maintain control within the
relationship.


Abuse includes but is not limited to:

Physical Abuse - hitting; choking; slapping; burning; shoving; using a
weapon; physically restraining; intentional interference with basic needs (e.g.
food, medicine, sleep)

Isolation: Restricting Freedom - controlling contacts with friends and
family, access to information and participation in groups or organizations;
locking
up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls

Psychological & Emotional Abuse - constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self,
family, friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining
self-esteem; misleading someone about the norms and values of the gay/lesbian
communities in order to control or exploit them

Stalking / Harassing Behavior - following; turning up at workplace or house;
parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family,
friends, colleagues

Threats & Intimidation - threatening to harm partner, self or others
(children, family, friends, pets); threatening to make reports to authorities
that
jeopardize child custody, immigration or legal status; threatening to disclose
HIV status, threatening to reveal sexual orientation to family, friends,
neighbors, and/or employers

Economic Abuse - controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making
financial decisions without asking or telling partner

Sexual Abuse/Harassment - forcing sex or specific acts, pressuring into
unwanted sexual behavior, criticizing performance

Property Destruction - destroying mementos, breaking furniture or windows,
throwing or smashing objects, trashing clothes or other possessions


Common Myths About Abuse in Lesbian Relationships:

"Women are not abusive - only men are."

Anyone can choose to be abusive or not.

"Lesbians are always equal in relationships.  It is not abuse, it is a
relationship struggle."

Two women in a relationship do not automatically guarantee equality. 
Relationship struggles are never equal if abuse is involved.

"Abusive lesbians are more "butch," larger, apolitical or have social lives
that revolve around the bar culture."

Abuse occurs regardless of race, class, religion, age, political affiliation,
lifestyle, or physical attributes.

"Lesbian violence is caused by drugs, alcohol, stress, childhood abuse."

While these factors can be important, they do not excuse the abuse.

"Lesbian abusers have been abused/oppressed by men are therefore not as
responsible for what they do."

This is an excuse; abuse will only stop when responsibility is taken for the
abuse.

"It is easier for a lesbian to leave her abusive partner that it is for a
heterosexual woman to leave her abusive partner."

It is never easy to leave an abusive relationship.


Common Myths About Abuse in Gay Male Relationships:

"Gay men are rarely victims of abuse by their partners."

Men can be and are abused.  This myth makes it particularly hard for men to
come forward for help.

"When violence occurs between gay men in a relationship, it's a fight, it's
normal, it's 'boys will be boys.'"

Using violence or 'taking it' is not normal; it is an unhealthy way to relate
to others.

"Abuse in gay male relationships primarily involves apolitical gay men, or
gay men who are part of the bar culture."

Abuse occurs regardless of race, class, religion, age, political affiliation
or life style.

"Abuse in gay male relationships is sexual behavior: it's a version of
sadomasochism and the victims actually like it."

In s/m there are mutually agreed upon verbal contracts between the involved
parties.  No such contract exists between an abuser and his victim.*

"It is easier for a gay man to leave his abusive partner that it is for a
heterosexual woman to leave her abusive partner."

It is never easy to leave an abusive relationship.

*This applies to lesbian relationships as well.


Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships Versus Abuse in Opposite-Sex Relationships:

What is the Same:

Abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser and is always a choice.

Victims are often blamed for the abuse by partners, and sometimes even
family, friends and professionals can excuse or minimize the abusive behavior.

It is difficult for victims to leave abusive relationships.

Abuse is not an acceptable or healthy way to solve difficulties in
relationships, regardless of orientation.

Victims feels responsible for their partner's violence and their partner's
emotional state, hoping to prevent further violence.

Abuse usually worsens over time.

The abuser is often apologetic after abusing, giving false hope that the
abuse will stop.

Some or all of the following effects of abuse may be present: shame,
self-blame, physical injuries, short and long-term health problems, sleep
disturbances, constantly on guard, social withdrawal, lack of confidence, low
self-esteem,
anxiety, depression, feelings of hopelessness, shock, and dissociative
states.


What is Different:

Very limited services exist specifically for abused and abusive lesbians and
gay men.

Lesbians and gay men often experience a lack of understanding of the
seriousness of the abuse when reporting incidences of violence to a therapist,
police
officer or medical personnel.

Homophobia in society denies the reality of lesbian and gay men's lives,
including the existence of lesbian and gay male relationships, let alone abusive
ones.  When abuse exists, attitudes often range from 'who cares' to 'these
relationships are generally unstable or unhealthy.'

Shelters for abused women may not be sensitive to same-sex abuse
(theoretically, shelters are open to all women and therefore, a same-sex victim
may not
feel safe as her abuser may also have access to the shelter).  Abused gay men
have even fewer places to turn for help in that there are no agency-sponsored
safe places to stay.

In lesbian and gay male relationships, there may be additional fears of
losing the relationship which confirms one's sexual orientation; fears of not
being
believed about the abuse and fears of losing friends and support within the
lesbian/gay communities.


What To Do If You're Being Abused:

Recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse.

Recognize that violence/abuse is not likely to stop on its own - episodes of
violence usually become more frequent and more severe.

It is important to break the silence.  Try to tell someone who will believe
you.

Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about
partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive.  A lesbian or gay male counselor
with the above qualities may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with
more comfort and focus.

Only you can decide what to do about your relationship - whether to stay or
leave is your decision.  However, it is important to develop a safety plan in
case your safety and/or your children's safety is in jeopardy such as:

a safe place to stay;
emergency phone numbers;
some money;
your own bank account;
post office box; and
bag of essentials.


What To Do If You're Being Abusive:

Stop being abusive.  Stop using abuse of any form (physical, sexual, verbal
or emotional), including threats and intimidation.

Accept responsibility for your behavior.  Remember that the use of violence
in any form is always a choice that you make.

Do not make excuses for your violence or blame your partner for your abusive
behavior.

Recognize that assaultive behavior is unacceptable and is a criminal act.

Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about
partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive.  A lesbian or gay male counselor
may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with more comfort and focus.

Alcohol, drug use or mental health problems are not excuses for abusive
behavior.  Seek appropriate help for these problems.


How Can Friends/Relatives Help?

If someone discloses or you suspect that he/she is being abused, don't be
afraid to privately express your concern and offer to help.  Possible ways to
help include locating resources, encouraging safety planning, respecting
confidentiality and being there to listen.  Believe their experience - don't
minimize
it.  Don't give up or criticize them.  If a friend doesn't leave an abusive
partner, understand it is not easy.  Let your friend know that you will be
there
regardless.

If someone you know is being abusive, tell them that violence and abuse are
unacceptable.  Encourage and support them in getting help to stop the violent
behavior.  Hold them accountable for their actions and the need to change.


What Lesbian and Gay Male Communities Can Do:

The lesbian and gay male communities must begin to break down the silences
and defensiveness around the issue of abuse in same-sex relationships.  The
more
it is talked about the easier it will be for individuals to identify and
change their own behavior and to expect relationships that are mutually
respectful
and free from fear and any form of abuse.

Get educated and help educate; work to include this issue in community papers
and public forums.

Advocate for treatment and services on the part of medical, legal, police and
social services that is equal, accessible and sensitive to the needs of
people who are in abusive same-sex relationships.


How Professionals Can Help:

All professionals need to examine their own attitudes and feelings and how
these have been influenced by homophobia and heterosexism.

Become aware of the silence and prevailing myths about partner abuse in
lesbian and gay male relationships.

Do not assume with either males or females that their partner is of the
opposite sex.

Respect your client's anxieties about disclosure of sexual orientation, which
may be based on real fears of discrimination and its effects on child
custody, family support, job security, and/or deportation.  Choices about
disclosure
of orientation and same-sex relationships are those of your clients and theirs
alone.

It is important to impart acceptance of your client's sexual orientation.

Clients who have been abused by a same-sex partner may initially have issues
of trust with a professional of the same sex.

Learn about and encourage the use of supportive social networks within and
outside the lesbian and gay male communities.


Free Terri


--- In End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com, Max <tdbmax@y...> wrote:

> I am a gay man who has been verbally abused all my life.  I recently ended
my relationship with my partner of eight years because of the verbal and
psychological abuse he inflicted.  Even after we split up he continues to
verbally
abuse me and of course denies or excuses his behavior.  He even accuses me of
being the abuser and is good at convincing our cirlce of aquaintances that he
is the victim.  It was only two days ago that I realized I was actually being
abused, I was not crazy and that his behavior was not sane or rational.  It
seems so simple and yet so difficult to let go.  We shared a farm and animals,
expenses, a house etc.  He left the house and I was left to take care of the
animals, pay the mortgage and expenses on half the income.  He even claims I owe
him money.  The property has been in my family for almost 60 years.  Are
there any other people out there in this situation?  How did you respond?
>
> Thanks for listening.
> Max


     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships

[reprinted with permission from the authors]


Nature of Abuse:

Abuse in relationships is any behavior or pattern of behavior used to coerce,
dominate or isolate the other partner.  It is the use of any form of power
that is imposed by one partner over the other to maintain control within the
relationship.


Abuse includes but is not limited to:

Physical Abuse - hitting; choking; slapping; burning; shoving; using a
weapon; physically restraining; intentional interference with basic needs (e.g.
food, medicine, sleep)

Isolation: Restricting Freedom - controlling contacts with friends and
family, access to information and participation in groups or organizations;
locking
up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls

Psychological & Emotional Abuse - constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self,
family, friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining
self-esteem; misleading someone about the norms and values of the gay/lesbian
communities in order to control or exploit them

Stalking / Harassing Behavior - following; turning up at workplace or house;
parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family,
friends, colleagues

Threats & Intimidation - threatening to harm partner, self or others
(children, family, friends, pets); threatening to make reports to authorities
that
jeopardize child custody, immigration or legal status; threatening to disclose
HIV status, threatening to reveal sexual orientation to family, friends,
neighbors, and/or employers

Economic Abuse - controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making
financial decisions without asking or telling partner

Sexual Abuse/Harassment - forcing sex or specific acts, pressuring into
unwanted sexual behavior, criticizing performance

Property Destruction - destroying mementos, breaking furniture or windows,
throwing or smashing objects, trashing clothes or other possessions


Common Myths About Abuse in Lesbian Relationships:

"Women are not abusive - only men are."

Anyone can choose to be abusive or not.

"Lesbians are always equal in relationships.  It is not abuse, it is a
relationship struggle."

Two women in a relationship do not automatically guarantee equality.
Relationship struggles are never equal if abuse is involved.

"Abusive lesbians are more "butch," larger, apolitical or have social lives
that revolve around the bar culture."

Abuse occurs regardless of race, class, religion, age, political affiliation,
lifestyle, or physical attributes.

"Lesbian violence is caused by drugs, alcohol, stress, childhood abuse."

While these factors can be important, they do not excuse the abuse.

"Lesbian abusers have been abused/oppressed by men are therefore not as
responsible for what they do."

This is an excuse; abuse will only stop when responsibility is taken for the
abuse.

"It is easier for a lesbian to leave her abusive partner that it is for a
heterosexual woman to leave her abusive partner."

It is never easy to leave an abusive relationship.


Common Myths About Abuse in Gay Male Relationships:

"Gay men are rarely victims of abuse by their partners."

Men can be and are abused.  This myth makes it particularly hard for men to
come forward for help.

"When violence occurs between gay men in a relationship, it's a fight, it's
normal, it's 'boys will be boys.'"

Using violence or 'taking it' is not normal; it is an unhealthy way to relate
to others.

"Abuse in gay male relationships primarily involves apolitical gay men, or
gay men who are part of the bar culture."

Abuse occurs regardless of race, class, religion, age, political affiliation
or life style.

"Abuse in gay male relationships is sexual behavior: it's a version of
sadomasochism and the victims actually like it."

In s/m there are mutually agreed upon verbal contracts between the involved
parties.  No such contract exists between an abuser and his victim.*

"It is easier for a gay man to leave his abusive partner that it is for a
heterosexual woman to leave her abusive partner."

It is never easy to leave an abusive relationship.

*This applies to lesbian relationships as well.


Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships Versus Abuse in Opposite-Sex Relationships:

What is the Same:

Abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser and is always a choice.

Victims are often blamed for the abuse by partners, and sometimes even
family, friends and professionals can excuse or minimize the abusive behavior.

It is difficult for victims to leave abusive relationships.

Abuse is not an acceptable or healthy way to solve difficulties in
relationships, regardless of orientation.

Victims feels responsible for their partner's violence and their partner's
emotional state, hoping to prevent further violence.

Abuse usually worsens over time.

The abuser is often apologetic after abusing, giving false hope that the
abuse will stop.

Some or all of the following effects of abuse may be present: shame,
self-blame, physical injuries, short and long-term health problems, sleep
disturbances, constantly on guard, social withdrawal, lack of confidence, low
self-esteem,
anxiety, depression, feelings of hopelessness, shock, and dissociative
states.


What is Different:

Very limited services exist specifically for abused and abusive lesbians and
gay men.

Lesbians and gay men often experience a lack of understanding of the
seriousness of the abuse when reporting incidences of violence to a therapist,
police
officer or medical personnel.

Homophobia in society denies the reality of lesbian and gay men's lives,
including the existence of lesbian and gay male relationships, let alone abusive
ones.  When abuse exists, attitudes often range from 'who cares' to 'these
relationships are generally unstable or unhealthy.'

Shelters for abused women may not be sensitive to same-sex abuse
(theoretically, shelters are open to all women and therefore, a same-sex victim
may not
feel safe as her abuser may also have access to the shelter).  Abused gay men
have even fewer places to turn for help in that there are no agency-sponsored
safe places to stay.

In lesbian and gay male relationships, there may be additional fears of
losing the relationship which confirms one's sexual orientation; fears of not
being
believed about the abuse and fears of losing friends and support within the
lesbian/gay communities.


What To Do If You're Being Abused:

Recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse.

Recognize that violence/abuse is not likely to stop on its own - episodes of
violence usually become more frequent and more severe.

It is important to break the silence.  Try to tell someone who will believe
you.

Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about
partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive.  A lesbian or gay male counselor
with the above qualities may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with
more comfort and focus.

Only you can decide what to do about your relationship - whether to stay or
leave is your decision.  However, it is important to develop a safety plan in
case your safety and/or your children's safety is in jeopardy such as:

a safe place to stay;
emergency phone numbers;
some money;
your own bank account;
post office box; and
bag of essentials.


What To Do If You're Being Abusive:

Stop being abusive.  Stop using abuse of any form (physical, sexual, verbal
or emotional), including threats and intimidation.

Accept responsibility for your behavior.  Remember that the use of violence
in any form is always a choice that you make.

Do not make excuses for your violence or blame your partner for your abusive
behavior.

Recognize that assaultive behavior is unacceptable and is a criminal act.

Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about
partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive.  A lesbian or gay male counselor
may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with more comfort and focus.

Alcohol, drug use or mental health problems are not excuses for abusive
behavior.  Seek appropriate help for these problems.


How Can Friends/Relatives Help?

If someone discloses or you suspect that he/she is being abused, don't be
afraid to privately express your concern and offer to help.  Possible ways to
help include locating resources, encouraging safety planning, respecting
confidentiality and being there to listen.  Believe their experience - don't
minimize
it.  Don't give up or criticize them.  If a friend doesn't leave an abusive
partner, understand it is not easy.  Let your friend know that you will be there
regardless.

If someone you know is being abusive, tell them that violence and abuse are
unacceptable.  Encourage and support them in getting help to stop the violent
behavior.  Hold them accountable for their actions and the need to change.


What Lesbian and Gay Male Communities Can Do:

The lesbian and gay male communities must begin to break down the silences
and defensiveness around the issue of abuse in same-sex relationships.  The more
it is talked about the easier it will be for individuals to identify and
change their own behavior and to expect relationships that are mutually
respectful
and free from fear and any form of abuse.

Get educated and help educate; work to include this issue in community papers
and public forums.

Advocate for treatment and services on the part of medical, legal, police and
social services that is equal, accessible and sensitive to the needs of
people who are in abusive same-sex relationships.


How Professionals Can Help:

All professionals need to examine their own attitudes and feelings and how
these have been influenced by homophobia and heterosexism.

Become aware of the silence and prevailing myths about partner abuse in
lesbian and gay male relationships.

Do not assume with either males or females that their partner is of the
opposite sex.

Respect your client's anxieties about disclosure of sexual orientation, which
may be based on real fears of discrimination and its effects on child
custody, family support, job security, and/or deportation.  Choices about
disclosure
of orientation and same-sex relationships are those of your clients and theirs
alone.

It is important to impart acceptance of your client's sexual orientation.

Clients who have been abused by a same-sex partner may initially have issues
of trust with a professional of the same sex.

Learn about and encourage the use of supportive social networks within and
outside the lesbian and gay male communities.



     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

The Controlling Caregiver

Dear Dr. Irene

I read with great interest on your website today your description of the
classic controller abuser vs. caregiver victim.  What I would like to know is
what
insights into the make up of this person or advice you can give to help a
situation involving a person who is a combination of controller/caregiver.

   By this I mean a person who is the angry, verbally abusive, controller who
is also and obsessive, over reaching caregiver. This type of controller sets a
standard of care giving that the victim cannot match and then becomes angry
and abusive at the inevitable disappointment. The verbal abuse and the lack of
empathy for the victim, even though they may receive a lot of care giving,
reinforces the lack of appreciation the victim has for the caregiver/controller
since the victim does not want the care at the terrible price that must be paid
for it.  (DR Irene: Yes.)

This leads to even more disappointment and anger until the
caregiver/controller lashes out with even more verbal abuse creating a viscous
circle of
trouble.  The control is often exerted by making the victim feel guilty and
inevitably angry at themselves for all the intentions they cannot live up to.

Of course the angry person also displays other traits of abuse like not
accepting that they make mistakes like everyone else, constant criticism, not
accepting anyone ideas but their own, etc., etc. but the controlling caregiver
is
one of the biggest.  Signed, Confused Victim    (DR Irene: Good observations!)


DR Irene: The Controlling Caregiver

Did you know that most controllers are also caretakers?

Most controllers are among the most giving, care taking people you'll ever
meet. After all, these people are just another variety of codependent. That's
why once upon a time you thought you met the perfect person. That's why just
about everybody (else) thinks your controlling partner is so wonderful... The
shirt off his or her back? No problem! Here, take it! (Never mind that that
shirt
belongs to -. you...)

Exquisitely tuned into what other people are thinking of him or her, this
controller has many traits of the classic codependent: they can be very empathic
and sense their partner's needs.

These individuals really try hard. They use their very best judgment to
figure out what is best for you. They will do things they are not asked to do;
things you may not even want them to do. They want to please you to show you how
much they care.

The problem is, it's really hard to reciprocate. No matter how hard you try,
too often your efforts somehow miss the mark. And, you're likely to hear about
it!

Why The Partner Can't Get It Right

Sometimes your efforts fall short because your controller is expert at going
overboard. More often, your efforts fall short only because the recipient
didn't think your actions up.

Oppositional and controlling tendencies keep them from being able to accept
and appreciate whatever it is that is given. Not that there is anything wrong
with what was offered, but it was not planned and executed by your controller.

While the partner may be free enough to gratefully accept what is given, the
controller is often too constricted to do this. This person implicitly
pre-plans what they want, and how they want it. Any deviation from their
implicit
expectation is viewed as a disappointment.

Often, there is an implicit, irrational presumption that you failed because
you did not care enough - when they cared enough to get it right for you!

Wrong! Especially early on, before the giver gets sick and tired of being
criticized in what they give, there is less of a difference in how much love and
attention went into the gift, than there is a difference in the recipient's
ability to accept the gift!

The controlling person is not trying to be difficult. When they're not angry,
they don't mean to diminish you. They simply have a difficult time with
surprises. There is an agenda for every minutia you can think of - including
what
is expected from the partner. The partner, on the other hand, with less of an
agenda, is able to appreciate the gift - not because it is "better," but
because there is less of a need to design it - and more of an ability to accept
the
unknown.

Another contributing factor: the controller thinks they know best. Their
judgment is infallible; they know what's best for themselves; they know what's
best for you. If your opinion differs, you are wrong.

Add to this the typical controller's insecurity, and, bingo; the controlling
person is likely to attribute the disparity (i.e., you are pleased with their
gifts; they are not pleased with your gifts) to mean that you don't love them
enough to work hard to please them, as they work to please you.

This is clearly an irrational interpretation of events, but, not checking out
the faulty basis of their premise, they experience a big Ouchhh! Once again,
their unlovability has been confirmed... And they are likely to get mad...

The Adult-Kid

Your basic controller is two-in-one, hence the Jekyll and Hyde components.
The higher self is the adult partner. This is the part of the individual that
wants to be a partner, who is reasonable and rational, etc., etc. The kid self
is the side that breaks your heart. This is the needy, demanding,
out-of-control and needy child who takes themselves out of partner role every
time some
present day "slight" kicks up some very real pain that occurred in childhood.

In a split second, they find themselves in a hurtful pity pot; their only
solace is licking their wounds. Maybe you'll notice how much you hurt them...
They really, really don't want to go there. But, they know no better. This place
is the only sanctuary they could run to when they were hurt in childhood. All
they know to do is push away the unloving parent who hurt them...

Tips for the Partner

You can't fix this. You can explain your good intentions all you want; your
partner is unlikely to get it. Your partner can fix this. Maybe you can send
them this URL. The controlling person you love needs to feel a little safer in
the world, so they can stop working so hard at controlling it. Hear that
controlling person?

The victim's job is to set clear, firm limits on what behavior is acceptable.
Whether or not your partner's goal is to hurt you, you get hurt. Therefore,
you need to set limits to protect yourself.

Victims need to be careful not to give up their power. Never forget that no
one else can give it away - but you!

http://drirene.com



     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Tony Soprano: The Narcissist...

- puts himself above all others

- does not like to be confronted and walks away when there is conflict (from
his shrink, from Carmela, from his own brotherhood, from immediate family
members)

- sees the successes or failures of his children as a reflection of himself
(not as  individual beings with their own wants and desires and needs)

- sees Carmela as an object (as a reflection of him) and part of the
furniture

- hurts and kills (emotionally and literally) without remorse

- conducts his life without remorse

- follows his own creed

- emotionally (or sometimes physically) manipulates others to get what he
wants

- follows the narcissist's "golden rule": "YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME AND THEN I
MIGHT DO SOMETHING FOR YOU...BUT ONLY IF IT DOES SOMETHING FOR ME!"

- everything has a condition or stipulation attached to it (I'll do this for
you if you'll do this for me) WITH EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING in his life

- he is a sexy flatterer and cajoler but can turn around on a dime if crossed
and hold a grudge for the rest of his life

And WHY is Tony Soprano a narcissist? Remember his relationship with his
mother? She was an evil female version of the same...



     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Maybe Scott didn't kill Laci. Maybe what we are seeing is narcissism, not
murder.

Did Scott Kill Laci?

In the minds of the public Scott Peterson is guilty of killing his wife Laci.
Based on the media's reporting of events, it looks like murder. The easy next
step is to make the assumption of guilt.

Did he do it? I don't know.

But this I do know.  Media reports that Scott Peterson is more upset about
burning chicken on the barbecue than about the disappearance of his wife make
everyone, from age six on,  convinced that proves he killed Laci. It proves
nothing.

What kind of man gets more upset over burnt chicken than a missing wife?  A
narcissist.

A narcissist becomes enraged over those things he loses control of and wants
to be associated with in a positive manner. Scott wanted to barbecue perfect
chicken, and he burned it. He becomes very upset. But when Laci disappears, he
exhibits robotic like characteristics: no emotion, no sadness.

Scott Peterson's lack of emotion was not because he killed her, but because
she was unimportant to him.  Scott didn't care about Laci. Scott cared about
himself and his wants - and right now he wanted Amber who was giving him
narcissistic supply. Laci's disappearance was convenient and unimportant. A
strange
combination perhaps, but not for Scott.

Burnt Chicken and Rage

A narcissist will rage over the little things, and ignore the large ones. The
moment I read about the chicken incident and how upset it made Scott, I was
reminded of an incident with my spouse.

  We were in the midst of a divorce where he was committing fraud and being
helped by his attorney to conceal it from the court.  His attorney advised him
on starve and freeze tactics to wear me down. He had lied about his income to
me and told me there was no money for support. For 2 years I moved back into
the house. One day he tells me he keeps a double set of books and there is a lot
more money. I find hidden cash. I leave and his rages begin in earnest.

Impoverished, my son and I went to his house for money for food and he
slammed the door   and told us that was not his problem. He refused from then on
to
discuss our son and the trauma of the divorce, money, how we would live, pay
rent. He threw us out with nothing and called me greedy. A narcissist will do
this - project his actions on you.

So, he ignores the big issues : survival, nurturing, communication, caring
and compassion. Money, food, our son. And then I gave the cat away and he cares
about that. In fact, he cares so much about the cat that he called me thirty
times in two hours with vicious rages.

Phone calls about caring: cat 30, son O. Laci disappears? To Scott, that
doesn't matter.  Lack of caring it is not proof of murder. But it looks that way
because the public has an image of a grieving spouse in their minds and Scott
does not fit this image. Instead, what he fits is the profile of someone with
Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Scott's Lies

A narcissist is a pathological liar. Ask him where he went to lunch and he
will say: I ate at a Mexican restaurant. If you tell him you saw him at Olive
Garden, he will get angry and say it was someone else. A narcissist lies when it
doesn't matter or to make himself look better. A narcissist lies more than he
tells the truth. So when Scott is asked where he was on the day Laci
disappeared, he says he was playing golf. Why lie? Most murderers will not do so
because its so obvious a lie and one they can be easily be caught in. But to a
pathological liar what was going through Scott's mind was: I'm a golfer, I golf
a
lot, but no one knows about the boat and I don't want them to know about it. I
will say I was golfing. The thought process happens in a nanosecond and the
narcissist may not be aware of it. He lies so often and so well it is more real
to lie than to tell the truth.

Scott was very good at lying and charming and pulling the wool over
everyone's eyes. He charmed Laci's family and friends. He lied to them and he
lied to
Amber. He took what he wanted from life and didn't care how he was harming
others. But did that include taking Laci's life?

I don't know. So far, no one has proved it. What we have seen is a
narcissist, but that is a personality disorder and although narcissists try and
murder
our souls, and sometimes do commit murder, all of what Scott has done can be
looked at under the light of narcissism and not murder.




     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Battered Immigrant Legal Assistance - The Legal Project

http://www.legalproject.org/inmigrant.html




     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Legal Help for the Poor - State by state listing of Pro Bono Programs

http://www.abanet.org/legalservices/probono/directory.html



Pro Bono Sites

http://www.ptla.org/probono.htm



Legal Services Sites

http://www.ptla.org/links/services.htm



Lawyers.com - Find a Lawyer, Attorney, or Law Firm, Get Legal Information

http://lawyers.com/




     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

RECIPE FOR CONFRONTING ANXIETY SOUP

� 1997 Michele Toomey, PhD

Anxiety is, by its very nature, an intimidating state because our system is
out of control when anxiety strikes, ambushing us in much the same way as it
does in an epileptic seizure. Seemingly unprovoked and without our knowledge or
consent, our brain sends our body a message that it is in great danger. Our
body automatically reacts to this hidden trigger with a rush of adrenalin so
forceful that we experience any or all of the symptoms of being trapped and
endangered: thundering heart palpitations, chest pains, shortness of breath and
hyperventilation, flushed face, and sweaty palms. When we find no external signs
of danger we frantically look at ourselves and at our bodies, fearing we are
going to die, that we are having a heart attack and need a doctor. Nothing else
makes any sense.

A "panic attack" is just that, panic that attacks, ambushing us without
warning and sending false alarms throughout our system of some non-existent
life-threatening danger. Terror is the natural and appropriate response to this
alarming message. Flight is the desired solution, but what only increases the
level
of our anxiety is the terrible fact that the enemy is within and we cannot
flee our own brain and our own body. We are trapped in our terrorized state. Is
it any wonder that anxiety leads to claustrophobia and agoraphobia?

A damaging side effect of anxiety attacks is the public exposure it brings.
No one else is experiencing fear or even aware of anything to fear. We are a
public spectacle of imagined danger. There is no status in that, at worst only
pity or ridicule and at best only concern for us or worry to the point of
wanting to get us help. The embarrassment of being so exposed in our
unexplainable
terror is yet another source of intimidation by anxiety.

Panic attacks are not anxiety's only weapon, however, it can also hover
around us, creating a free-floating anxious state of insecurity and anticipated
fear of another attack. Being anxious in and of itself is disconcerting and most
unpleasant. On edge and never knowing when a panic attack may ambush us again,
free-floating anxiety can wreak havoc on our sense of security with
ourselves. Unable to trust the integrity of our communication system, we never
feel
safe. In fact, we have every reason to fear ourselves because without integrity,
a false alarm is just a heartbeat away. A renegade force is lurking, waiting
for a chance to pounce when we least expect it and sabotage the integrity of
our communication system.

Whether in the form of a panic attack or an anxious state, anxiety reigns by
intimidation, terrorizing us with its ability to hijack our system and take us
captive.To confront anxiety, therefore, is a very daring undertaking. Only
the courageous and committed can make this "Confronting Anxiety Soup". It is not
for victims of anxiety who are convinced that they are powerless in the face
of anxiety's force. They are destined to remain just that, victims. But for
those of you who can no longer tolerate being victimized by anxiety's panic
attacks and generalized state of insecure anxiousness, this recipe is for you.
If
you can dare to trust the integrity of this recipe and courageously commit
yourself to follow the directions as you confront your anxiety, you can regain
the integrity of your own system. Every recipe is liberating, but "Confronting
Anxiety Soup" is essential for any liberation to occur. Fear of ourselves and
of our fear of fear is so paralyzing nothing can move until we are free of the
grip fear has on us.

Before you begin the recipe, there is one more discussion on anxiety we need
to have, in the hope that greater understanding of the phenomenon will make
you a better psychological cook and a less fearful one. We need to look at what
triggers anxiety attacks and why the brain sends a false alarm throughout our
system, alerting all our spontaneous physiological reactions to a
life-threatening danger that doesn't exist. When these bursts of adrenalin rush
through
our body for no apparent reason, our sense of sanity is also threatened.

The key to confronting anxiety is the phrase "for no apparent reason". Even
though there is "no apparent reason", there is a reason for panic attacks. The
brain has been triggered into action. Something has alerted it to danger and
it automatically sends the message to release the surge of adrenalin to signal
the presence of danger. That "something" often has little or nothing to do
with what is currently happening. Other than an association that may be
unconsciously made, or a confined space triggering the feelings of
claustrophobia, the
reason is not "apparent". This capacity of our complex communication system to
alert us of danger is meant to protect us, not deceive us. A false alarm
indicates that the integrity of the system has somehow been violated and now our
sanity as well as our security is in jeopardy because of it. Our connection to
reality is lost if our system sends messages that are false. What is insanity
if not a disconnection from reality? Panic attacks, by threatening our hold on
reality, therefore, threaten our very sense of sanity, certainly terrifying
in itself.

Even as our brain is sending out false alarms, however, the alarms themselves
are real, so we are appropriately alarmed even as we are deceived. It is a
crazy making state of affairs. To move forward, then, craziness and fear of
craziness must be confronted as we confront anxiety.

Now back to the false alarms for "no apparent reason". There are several
possible sources of the false alarms: an injury to the brain creating a
neurological problem, a chemical imbalance that sends adrenalin inappropriately,
or a
psychological problem with the way information has been processed and stored.
This recipe deals with the latter which is actually the most prevalent source of
false alarms, our own unwitting mistakes in the processing and storage of
upsetting information. Fortunately, this is a solvable problem if we are willing
to do the necessary work.

We need to learn how to reprogram our brain to process and store "hot"
information without violating the integrity of our communication system. We are
not
taught as children how to process how we think and feel about upsetting
experiences that make a lasting impression on us. Whether they evoked terror,
anxiety, fear, grief, disappointment, pain, anger or despair we were left to
figure
out for ourselves how to process and store these strong feelings. Most of the
time we tried to forget them. In an attempt to protect ourselves from the pain
and upset their memory brought forth, we buried the feelings and the
memories. Little did we know that they had a life of their own and would not
remain
buried. We even continued to bury all of our upsetting feelings and memories
throughout our life. It was all we knew and it was how we knew to protect
ourselves and go on with life. Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, anxiety
struck.

"Seemingly" is the important word. In fact, the attacks come from hidden
feelings that are unprocessed and unresolved. Without their rightful place they
lurk about festering in their unattended state until they eventually erupt,
seemingly for no reason. But the reason is their own. Their timing, their final
endurance, their particular event or experience that has called them forth, for
"no apparent reason". Bursting forth with the force of years of hidden
imprisonment, seen as illegitimate in their expression, they are no longer
willing or
able to be silenced. They are out of control demanding to be heard and
playing by no rules. They, like us, don't know the system's rules, and the rules
they do know oppressed them so they defy the rule of silence.

Panic attacks, are therefore, defiant acts by repressed, suppressed and
oppressed feelings. They are not conscious acts of cognition, but rather acts of
the unconscious and subconscious surging forth to be heard and given their
rightful place and attention. They are, indeed, out of control and have the
force
of years of suppression. They do not trust our cognitive self because that's
who buried them. We do not trust them, because they are attacking us and forcing
us out of control. Without an honest confrontation between suppressed
feelings and the cognitive self with accountability and caring, we can never be
safe
and certainly, we can never be free, but there are many levels of
confrontation that must occur.

The following recipe is meant to provide a way for the cognitive self to
confront and be confronted with the layers of fear and years of suppressed
feelings that underlie anxiety and panic attacks.


Confronting Anxiety Soup

Ingredients:

1/2 mile walk with vigor and deliberate steps
1 tightly sealed pint bottle of air breathed in and capped as you are briskly
walking
10 strong heartbeats
2 firm grips of determination
1 chestful of courage
A long stare into the mirror
3 ounces of integrity
1 teaspoon of adrenalin
1-2 hour search for traumatic and upsetting childhood and past memories,
digging them up from where they've been buried
1/2 mile walk with vigor and deliberate steps
1 chestful of courage
3 ounces of integrity
1 teaspoon of adrenalin
2-4 hours of putting each memory in a respectful place where each feeling is
carefully given attention and comfort
3 cups of loud statements that claim each of the memories and the feelings
accompanying them
15 loops around an infinity sign for each memory and its feelings as you
reflect on your relationship to those memories and those feelings trying to
understand what was going on for you at the time and how it affected you
5 cups of disciplined imagination
2 teaspoons of adrenalin
10 hard stamps of your feet
1 long, firm embrace of yourself
1 chestful of courage
5 loud confrontations of your anxiety, advising it that you have felt its
force and heard its shouts and will address and claim any and every traumatic
upsetting feeling from the past that you are aware of and that you do not need
your anxiety's defiance any more because you are no longer hiding and burying,
or denying anything
10 loud, long shouts to your anxious self, calling it forth to join you in
forming a team to confront your fear and your past and to dare to express your
feelings as they are felt
4 stinging claps of the hands
2 clenched fists
1 cup of outrage
1 teaspoon of adrenalin
2 cups of disciplined imagination
1 shared cup of courage a deep commitment to inner dialogue between feelings
and thoughts followed by commitment to confront each other with accountability
when they are at odds
1 quart of tears, 3/4 quart sadness, 1/4 quart relief
4 ounces of loving care
1 vow to break your silence and hiding forever
2 shared handfuls of pure truth about the past
5 intense and heartfelt looks of deep appreciation of your courage and effort
to stop the destructive force of anxiety and for anxiety's courage to dare
yield to and trust the truth as it dares relinquish its out of control power
1 long, long sigh of relief
1 bar of solid commitment to be a team with integrity
1 peaceful smile

A deep commitment to repeat this recipe as often as is needed to come to some
reconciliation with the fear of the traumatic upsets of the hidden and buried
past. Commit yourself also to forever change the erroneous method of hiding
from and burying your past that you unwittingly used as a survival tool to
protect yourself. Dedicate yourself to being true to yourself and processing
situations that affect you strongly, dealing with them and confronting yourself
and
others as necessary.



Preparation:

This recipe will take several days to make, and because it is such a
difficult and fear producing recipe, some things need to be done prior to making
it.
Therefore, when you are ready to begin:

Take a 1/2 mile walk with vigor and deliberate steps. Bring with you a clear
pint bottle with a cap that fits tightly. As you walk briskly breathe deeply
and then breathe into the bottle and cap it quickly. This bottle of colorless,
odorless carbon dioxide is to be carried with you at all times while this
recipe for confronting anxiety soup is being made. It is a reminder of the
invisibility of anxious toxins that need to be recognized, contained, and then
released.

As you return from the walk and before you enter the house to begin preparing
the soup, pick up your pace and place your hand over your heart, counting 10
strong heartbeats. Upon entering the house, place your hands on your wrists
and firmly grip them while you strongly inhale. With your eyes closed, imagine
your grit and determination to liberate yourself from the hold anxiety has on
you and fill your chest with courage. Do not exhale until you have walked to a
mirror and taken a long stare at yourself in the midst of a courageous stance.

In a small bowl mix 3 ounces of integrity with 1 teaspoon of adrenalin,
stirring it slowly but thoroughly. Pour the mixture into a cup and take it to a
comfortable chair. Sip it at 15 minute intervals as you begin your search for
traumatic and upsetting childhood and past memories, using the integrity and
adrenalin mix to direct and safeguard you in your search for the hidden and
buried
experiences.

When ready, go for another brisk walk, allowing the memories to come alive in
the energy of walking. Feeling your own sense of physical movement will give
you an added impetus to renew your determination to move psychologically as
well. Focus your attention on your strong heartbeats and refill your chest with
courage. Be quietly reflective and firmly attentive to your determination to
reclaim your runaway energy throughout the rest of the day. Ponder the
statement that your memories and your feelings associated with them are not your
enemy. Consider the wisdom in the claim that the real enemy forces are fearful
pretense and oppressive domination.

Pretending that we are powerless in the face of our own fearful energy
creates a climate of hostility within, and turns your inner world into enemy
territory. Reclaiming your past and dealing with it honestly, fairly, and
respectfully will bring you a sense of peace and well-being within yourself.
Confronting
anxiety soup is meant to provide the recipe for that process to begin to
occur.

Next day: Mix another 3 ounces of integrity with 1 teaspoon of adrenalin and
take it to a comfortable chair where you can sit and sip it every 10 or 15
minutes while you begin the process of putting your strong memories, one at a
time, in a respectful place. Give each feeling careful attention and comfort.
When you have done all that you can at this time and your cup of integrity and
adrenalin is empty, go to the window and make loud statements that lay claim to
your memories and the feelings that accompany them. Fill the cup three times
letting the vapor of the loud statements continually fill the air with strength
that you then inhale.

Later in the day, when you are feeling renewed, go out into the yard with
your cup and walk 15 loops around an imagined infinity sign, tracing the
memories
and feelings that have been triggered. Fill your cup 5 times with disciplined
imagination. Reflect on how they have affected you and try to understand what
was going on for you at the time that left you so disturbed and unsettled.
When you have discovered as much as your stamina will allow, lie down on the
ground on the infinity sign and absorb all you can of what you've just been
through. Consider what you've learned and where it has taken you. Ponder the
clarity and insight you've gained from what you've discovered and ask yourself
how
you need to deal with what you've learned if you are to be intimate with your
past, not alienated from or haunted by it.

Being intimate with your past means seeing it in its complexity, the nature
of the situation and the people involved, the place you were in at the time and
how what happened affected you and why. This understanding allows you to be
"at one" with the experience and with yourself, and therefore preventing you
from becoming the victim of the memory who is then alienated from the memory and
from yourself. The integrity of intimacy is your protection from anxiety.

All of this has been preparation for the soup. Now we are actually ready to
cook. Find a set of bowls of different sizes and a large pot. In the largest
bowl, combine 2 teaspoons of adrenalin, 10 hard stamps of the feet, 1 firm
embrace of yourself and 1 chestful of courage. Whip them together until they are
smooth and thick. Stir in 5 loud confrontations of your anxiety, advising it
that you have felt its force and heard its shouts and will address and claim any
and every traumatic upsetting feeling from the past that you are aware of and
that you do not need your anxiety's defiance any more because you are no
longer hiding and burying or denying anything. When everything is thoroughly
mixed,
pour it into the large pot and turn the burner up high until the ingredients
come to a full boil.

Turn down the heat after the loud confrontations have been bubbling briskly
for 10 minutes. Continue to stir steadily as you add the 10 long shouts to your
anxious self, calling it forth to join you in forming a team to confront your
fear and your past and to join in daring to express your feelings as they are
felt.

As the stock of the soup simmers, take a bowl and mix 4 stinging claps of
your hands, being sure they are stinging claps, with 2 clenched fists, 1 cup of
outrage, 1 teaspoon of adrenalin, 2 cups of disciplined imagination and 1
shared cup of courage. Pour this concentrated and extremely volatile liquid
immediately into the simmering pot, being careful not to let it splatter on you
since
it is very hot and could seriously burn you. Stir briskly and cautiously
until there is no separation of any ingredients in the soup.

The soup will bubble strongly, so you must stir constantly. This is now the
critical point in the recipe. If the soup is going to work, adding the deep
commitment to inner dialogue between your feelings and your thoughts must be
done
with strong conviction followed by deep commitment to thoughts and feelings
confronting each other with accountability whenever they are at odds. This is,
after all, confronting anxiety soup. Confrontation with accountability is the
absolutely essential step in freeing you from anxiety. Reach into your inner
self and take 1 quart of tears, 3/4 quart of sadness and 1/4 cup of relief,
slowly pour it into the pot along with 4 ounces of loving care. Allow the soup
to
simmer quietly without stirring. Step back and make a vow to break your
silence and hiding forever. Observe several minutes of respectful silence to
mark
the difference between it and hiding behind silence. Dare to reclaim the
integrity of silence.

Add to the simmering pot 2 shared handfuls of pure truth about the past,
stirring it in deliberately and meditatively. Stir in 5 intense and heartfelt
looks of deep appreciation of your courage and the effort it takes to stop the
destructive force of anxiety in your system.

Combine 1 long, long sigh of relief with 1 bar of solid commitment to be a
team with integrity. As the bar of commitment to team melts, stir slowly so that
this commitment can permeate the soup and clarify the broth. Allow to simmer
for 1/2 hour, stirring frequently.

Pour a cup of soup when you and it are ready, and take it to your favorite
chair. Eat the soup slowly and reflectively. Let its hot complexity and strong
flavor warm and strengthen your resolve to be a team within yourself. Let its
flavor and ingredients travel throughout your body and your spirit, allowing
you to feel a sense of well being based on trust in the power of your own
integrity to safeguard you and your system.

Continue to include this soup daily for lunch and, if desired, for dinner
until it is all gone. Repeat this process of preparing, making and eating
"Confronting Anxiety Soup" on a regular basis, never going without it until you
feel
comfortable that you have been able to reconcile the forces of anxiety with
your other forces , and they have become a team.


     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

RECIPE FOR ANGER CHILI

� 1997 Michele Toomey, PhD

The purpose of this recipe is to give expression to anger without abusing
yourself or others. If we are angry, we have every right to claim our anger and
to express it. In fact, anger can become very volcanic and destructive if it is
swallowed over an extended period of time.

It will be helpful to you if you will read the following list contrasting
violating anger with liberating anger before you read the recipe.


Violating Anger vs. Liberating Anger

Violating Anger
Liberating Anger
Has a twist
     Is straight
Manipulates the truth
Seeks the relief of honest self-expression
Has a hidden agenda
Wants to discover the truth
Attacks to hurt
    Expresses the hurt and anger
Blames and proves "guilt"
Confronts
Is a weapon
    Is a tool
Seeks to discredit the other as a person                             Seeks to
expose
Has no accountability
Demands accountability
Hides behind innocence
Chooses not to hide
Is righteously superior
Is adamant
Assumes another's motives
Never assumes motives
Needs a villain
   Rejects villains
Refuses to claim anything
Claims its part
Seeks to punish
  Determines consequences for itself
Uses information to make a case against the other              Uses
information for clarity and understanding
Fears exposure
  Values exposure
Leads to abuse
   Leads to intimacy
Alienates and violates
Liberates


Because anger has such force and potential for violence, it needs to be
treated with great discipline and respect. Uncontrolled anger is dangerous and
we
recognize that even if we don't know how to control it. Unaddressed and
unexpressed anger is also dangerous, and we tend not to realize that. A recipe
for
setting us on the right track in dealing with anger is, therefore, a very
important and very difficult recipe.


Anger Chili


Ingredients:

3 quarts of perceived unfairness, and/or meanness and abuse, with its
stinging disappointment, hurt, anger and outrage
1 - 3 cups of red hot anger (depending on the degree of intensity that is
felt)
2 tablespoons of "in your face" attitude
3 - 5 winces of hurt
2 - 3 loud sighs of disappointment
2 - 5 shouts of outrage Several flashbacks of similar past experiences
Many rounds of self-reflection, assessing and evaluating the situation, what
led up to it, what contributed to it, your reaction to it, and each person's
role in it
3 ounces of integrity
3 quarts of discipline
As many strong confrontations as needed
A gallon of demand for accountability and fairness from yourself and the
other(s) involved
A quart of claiming of your part in what occurred
A quart of urgent need to be understood, to understand, and to treat and be
treated fairly
2 brisk shakes of commitment to interact with integrity and fairness after
serving



Preparation: (Use a large cast iron kettle)

Bring to a rapid boil the 3 quarts of perceived unfairness and/or meanness
and abuse with its stinging disappointment, hurt, anger and outrage. Stir
vigorously while adding the appropriate number of cups of hot anger and the two
tablespoons of "in your face" attitude.

Great care must be taken at this stage, because the mixture is very volatile.
Flashbacks and outbursts can occur unexpectedly, triggering shouts of outrage
that ignite the already hot and flammable feelings. Caution must be taken to
be able to handle such volatility without injury.

Gradually lower the temperature and simmer before adding the winces of hurt
and sighs of disappointment. Stir slowly until thickening begins to occur, then
blend in the shouts of outrage, one at a time, letting each one permeate the
mixture and bring it to a boil, as you add the flashbacks of past experiences.

Stir continuously to prevent any boiling over. When you are ready, add the
rounds of self-reflection, evaluation of the situation, what contributed to it,
and your reaction to it and each person's role in it, including and especially
your own. Breathe deeply and allow the steam to enter your system as you pour
and stir. Take your time and do not rush.

As you ponder, combine the three ounces of integrity with the three quarts of
self-discipline, mix thoroughly before stirring it into the boiling kettle.
Lumps will begin to solidify and it will become harder to stir. Now add the
strong confrontations and gallon of demand for accountability and fairness along
with the quart of claiming your part in what occurred. Cook for ten minutes,
continuously stirring and boiling. When the chili is completely thick and
lumpy, add the quart of urgent need to be understood and to understand, and to
treat and be treated fairly. When the color changes from bright red to burnt
red,
it is ready to serve.



How to best serve Anger Chili

Set the table with solid commitment to your best effort in expressing your
anger fairly, strongly and accountably. Use your best bowls of yielding to the
actual outcome even if your best efforts do not yield the desired results: an
acknowledgment of the legitimacy of your anger, a resolution of the conflict, a
claiming on everyone's part and an apology where appropriate.

Invite to the table those who were involved in the situation that triggered
your anger, and as you serve them in your best bowls, shake commitment to
interact with integrity and fairness on the top of the chili in each bowl.

Know that your effectiveness as a good self-expression cook is in the
integrity of your preparation and presentation, not in the response of those who
receive it. We cannot control the reaction we get, we are only in charge of how
we
prepare, what we present and how we deal with it. Anger chili is a very hard
dish to prepare and present. It will take your best effort.



     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

How to Teach Confrontation with Accountability and Prevent Hostility and
Abuse
� 2000 Michele Toomey, PhD

The primary way to teach confrontation with accountability is to live it.
Instead of swallowing your feelings and building resentment, learn how to
express
those feelings, thus being accountable yourself. Then ask the relevant person
why they said or did what they did, asking them to be accountable. Instead of
reacting defensively when someone confronts you, stop yourself, ask yourself
to go inside and discuss why you said or did what you did, thus being
accountable to yourself and to another. Instead of reacting angrily and
attacking
another, blaming them for whatever occurred and verbally assaulting them for it,
stop and listen to your angry feelings and ask yourself why you are so angry,
then express your anger with honesty and fairness, being accountable and also
confrontive.

In each of these instances, we are in a position to demonstrate both the
integrity and fairness of confrontation with accountability. We can also
demonstrate its effectiveness and its power. Instead of hostility and
estrangement or
abuse, there will be growing understanding and a chance to care and be intimate
and known. A far more desirable state and a far less stressful or hostile
one.

As parents or teachers, we should start from this place of living out of
integrity and fairness expressed by confrontation and accountability. It is our
most powerful way of teaching our children. In addition, we must talk with them,
beginning as young as five years old, about fairness and accountability. We
must also teach them the difference between a confrontation and an attack,
emphasizing the fact that claiming what's going on and being accountable for it
is
the purpose of a confrontation. It is an equalizing encounter designed to
discover what's underneath what's being said and done, not an attempt to defeat
the other by humiliating them or breaking them down. Children resonate with
fairness. They feel secure and safe when protected by fairness, and they are
relieved to be connected with each other in a comfortable way.

They must also be helped to pull off difficult confrontations. It should be
standard operating procedure, both at home and at school, that whenever they
have tried to resolve something that is upsetting them with a fair confrontation
and it doesn't work, they are to come to the appropriate adult for help.
Either parent or teacher should gladly listen to the stressed child and proceed
to
get all the relevant parties together at one time to confront each other with
your help. Facilitating confrontations is a powerful vehicle for teaching
confrontation with accountability. Reported needs should never be allowed to go
unattended. That is a cardinal rule for fairness and assuring that it will
become the norm. The whole "don't be a tattle-tale" routine must be eliminated
and
replaced by "do seek help when you need it."

Never talk just to one child at a time and then relay the consequences and
outcomes to the others. This builds up a sense of sides and arguing one's case
and defending one's actions. They must always be brought together and each
given a chance to speak, to claim and to confront in front of each other.

Out of a well facilitated confrontation and accountability session will
evolve a resolution of its own. As they hear each other and learn what was going
on
for each other, the tone will change and understanding will lead to caring,
and soon a fair climate will emerge. Apologies and handshakes or hugs may
occur, restitution if appropriate may be agreed upon, and there will be
movement.
They will be relieved and begin to hold great stock in the process. Eventually,
they learn to rely on the powerful effect of confrontation with
accountability and it becomes the norm. Home and school become a safe place
where truth and
fairness meet. The climate is one that breeds the potential for good
relationships, fair exchanges, and even a greater desire to learn.

Not so pre-occupied with upsetting encounters and alienated feelings,
children are more able to focus their attention on learning and are more
comfortable
with themselves and their classmates as they learn. Not only does
estrangement, abuse and violence become less, on some level it becomes a non
issue. The
orientation has changed to one of discovering, not defeat, and everything looks
different. True education is occurring.

For the few who resist being accountable, it may take longer and certainly
more effort, but over time it will be the very, very few who refuse ever to join
the ranks of the fair. Peer pressure and the success of the confrontations
with accountability become a powerful force. However, some groups, some schools,
some age groups, may contain those very, very few. When time, effort, every
possible means have failed to get them on board, then steps need to be taken to
remove them from the scene. Some intervention is needed. Therapists,
counselors, and/or social workers need to become involved and an appropriate
intervention needs to occur. Those children should not re-enter the home or
school
until they have successfully begun to open up to fairness and are willing to
play
by those rules. Only then can they be given a second chance. If they still
refuse, then interventions are their lot. They cannot be allowed to disrupt or
terrorize their family or their school. It is not good for them to have that
kind of abusive power and of course it is not good to allow others to be abused.

However, barring the very, very few children who can't or won't learn
fairness, teaching confrontation with accountability is an exciting and
wonderful
experience. I promise you it will become one of the finest things you'll ever do
and one of the most life changing.



     I love women. They're the best thing ever created.
If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
~ Mel Gibson ~


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

A Cut Above: The Practice of Self-Mutilation

By Carma Haley Shoemaker

http://teenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/mutilate.htm

Children Who Self-Mutilate

Question:

Hello. I am a military defense attorney representing a soldier
charged with child physical abuse. There is evidence that the
soldier's child is a self-injurer. The child initially reported that
the mother beat her with an electrical cord. She later recanted and
stated that she beat herself with the electrical cord. Have you dealt
with cases were the parents of self-injurers have been charged with
abuse?
J


Answer:

Hello James. I checked with Drs Shazia and Azfar Malik, neither have
had a case of a child who self-mutilates where the parents were
charged with abuse.

However, abuse is often a factor in the lives of children who self-
mutilate.

Self-Injury, also commonly known as self-harm; self-mutilation; self-
abuse; and self inflicted violence, is defined as the deliberate
harming of one's body tissue without the conscious intent to commit
suicide.

Integral to this definition are several key concepts.
First, self-injury is an act done to the self.
Second, it is done by the self.
Third, it must include some type of physical injury.
Fourth, self-injury is not undertaken with the intent to kill
oneself, and
Fifth, it is an intentional act.

Self-injury cuts across the boundaries of race, gender, age,
education and socio-economic brackets. Self-injury typically begins
during adolescence. Many self-injurers have histories, or current
problems, of substance abuse, eating disorders, and compulsions. They
often lack the ability and skills to regulate their moods by other
methods. Many have a history of being abused (physically, sexually,
and emotionally), with a large proportion of the abuse starting in
childhood. Commonly, people who self-injure have a history of
psychological treatment through admissions to psychiatric hospital
and/or in seeking therapy.

Other conditions in which self-injurious behavior is seen are:
Borderline Personality Disorder
Mood Disorders
Eating Disorders
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Dissociative Disorders
Anxiety and/or Panic Disorder
Impulse-control Disorder Not Otherwise Specified

People who self-abuse report their childhoods as filled with hurt,
rejection and abandonment. Their families raise children with strict
rules and critical messages. Discipline is often harsh. Family
disruption is extremely common.

Within these families the boundaries between people are very loose
with the children being denied privacy and control over their bodies,
property or space. Around the families are rigid boundaries of
secrecy and denial.

People from these families find it hard to see themselves as worthy
in any way. The child experiences helplessness, fear and lack of
control and cannot trust others to provide what they need and want.

The requirement for secrecy induces them to maintain silence about
their problems and many manage to keep it secret from health-care
professionals that their injuries are self-inflicted.

There are some good websites that focus on self-injury, with
references to articles and books.

I hope this answers your question.
Regards
Uzma Mazhar

Helping Teenagers Deal with Stress

http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/66.htm

Children and Self-Injury

http://www.raisinghappykids.com/self_injury.html

Effects of Child Abuse on Children

http://www.ancillaryresources.mrpete.net/about81.html

Abusive children - abused children likely to be abusive

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_v19/ai_3914453