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ALL KINDS OF ABUSE: VERBAL, PHYSICAL, FINANCIAL, AND MORE
All too frequently the media bombards us with news about a high-profile domestic violence case, where a man or woman is suspected of murdering their wife or husband, with or without a previous history of domestic abuse. Violence. How can a person turn from loving and living with a person to beating them up or murdering them? What kind of a person resorts to domestic violence against their spouse or domestic intimate partner? What kind of person thinks it is okay to continually humiliate or talk down to their life intimate partner? What kind of a person has sex with their partner without the person's consent and desire to participate?
A common pattern of domestic abuse is that the perpetrator alternates between violent, abusive behavior and apologetic behavior with apparently heartfelt promises to change. The abuser may be very pleasant most of the time. Therein lies the perpetual appeal of the abusing partner and why many people are unable to leave the abusive relationship.
Domestic abuse is most often one of the following:
child abuse
abuse of a spouse or domestic intimate partner
elder abuse
abuse of disabled
In this article, we discuss domestic abuse between spouses and intimate partners: the types of domestic abuse, signs and symptoms, causes, and effects. Domestic violence and abuse are common. The first step in ending the misery is recognition that the situation is abusive. Then you can seek help.
What is the definition of domestic abuse between intimate partners?
Domestic abuse between spouses or intimate partners is when one person in a marital or intimate relationship tries to control the other person. The perpetrator uses fear and intimidation and may threaten to use or may actually use physical violence. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.
The victim of domestic abuse or domestic violence may be a man or a woman. Domestic abuse occurs in traditional heterosexual marriages, as well as in same-sex partnerships. The abuse may occur during a relationship, while the couple is breaking up, or after the relationship has ended.
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence. Domestic violence may even end up in murder.
The key elements of domestic abuse are:
intimidation
humiliating the other person
physical injury
Domestic abuse is not a result of losing control; domestic abuse is intentionally trying to control another person. The abuser is purposefully using verbal, nonverbal, or physical means to gain control over the other person.
What are the types of domestic abuse?
The types of domestic abuse are:
physical abuse (domestic violence)
verbal or nonverbal abuse (psychological abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse)
sexual abuse
stalking or cyberstalking
economic abuse or financial abuse
spiritual abuse
The divisions between these types of domestic abuse are somewhat fluid, but there is a strong differentiation between the various forms of physical abuse and the various types of verbal or nonverbal abuse.
What is physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?
Physical abuse is the use of physical force against another person in a way that ends up injuring the person, or puts the person at risk of being injured. Physical abuse ranges from physical restraint to murder. When someone talks of domestic violence, they are often referring to physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner.
Physical assault or physical battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside a family or outside the family. The police are empowered to protect you from physical attack.
Physical abuse includes:
pushing, throwing, kicking slapping, grabbing, hitting, punching, beating, tripping, battering, bruising, choking, shaking pinching, biting
holding, restraining, confinement
breaking bones assault with a weapon such as a knife or gun
burning
murder
What is emotional abuse or verbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?
Mental, psychological, or emotional abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner consists of more subtle actions or behaviors than physical abuse. While physical abuse might seem worse, the scars of verbal and emotional abuse are deep. Studies show that verbal or nonverbal abuse can be much more emotionally damaging than physical abuse.
Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner may include:
threatening or intimidating to gain compliance
destruction of the victim's personal property and possessions, or threats to do so violence to an object (such as a wall or piece of furniture) or pet, in the presence of the intended victim, as a way of instilling fear of further violence
yelling or screaming
name-calling
constant harassment
embarrassing, making fun of, or mocking the victim, either alone within the household, in public, or in front of family or friends
criticizing or diminishing the victim's accomplishments or goals
not trusting the victim's decision-making
telling the victim that they are worthless on their own, without the abuser
excessive possessiveness
isolation from friends and family
excessive checking-up on the victim to make sure they are at home or where they said they would be
saying hurtful things while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and using the substance as an excuse to say the hurtful things
blaming the victim for how the abuser acts or feels
making the victim remain on the premises after a fight, or leaving them somewhere else after a fight, just to "teach them a lesson"
making the victim feel that there is no way out of the relationship
What is sexual abuse or sexual exploitation of a spouse or intimate partner?
Sexual abuse includes:
sexual assault: forcing someone to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity
sexual harassment: ridiculing another person to try to limit their sexuality or reproductive choices
sexual exploitation (such as forcing someone to look at pornography, or forcing someone to participate in pornographic film-making)
Sexual abuse often is linked to physical abuse; they may occur together, or the sexual abuse may occur after a bout of physical abuse.
What is economic or financial abuse of a spouse or domestic partner?
Economic or financial abuse includes:
withholding economic resources such as money or credit cards
stealing from or defrauding a partner of money or assets
exploiting the intimate partner's resources for personal gain
withholding physical resources such as food, clothes, necessary medications, or shelter from a partner
preventing the spouse or intimate partner from working or choosing an occupation
What is spiritual abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?
Spiritual abuse includes:
using the spouse's or intimate partner's religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate them
preventing the partner from practicing their religious or spiritual beliefs
ridiculing the other person's religious or spiritual beliefs
forcing the children to be reared in a faith that the partner has not agreed to
How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship? What are the signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship?
The more of the following questions that you answer Yes to, the more likely you are in an abusive relationship. Examine your answers and seek help if you find that you respond positively to a large number of the questions.
Your inner feelings and dialogue: Fear, self-loathing, numbness, desperation
Are you fearful of your partner a large percentage of the time?
Do you avoid certain topics or spend a lot of time figuring out how to talk about certain topics so that you do not arouse your partner's negative reaction or anger?
Do you ever feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
Do you ever feel so badly about yourself that you think you deserve to be physically hurt?
Have you lost the love and respect that you once had for your partner?
Do you sometimes wonder if you are the one who is crazy, that maybe you are overreacting to your partner's behaviors?
Do you sometimes fantasize about ways to kill your partner to get them out of your life?
Are you afraid that your partner may try to kill you?
Are you afraid that your partner will try to take your children away from you?
Do you feel that there is nowhere to turn for help?
Are you feeling emotionally numb?
Were you abused as a child, or did you grow up with domestic violence in the household?
Does domestic violence seem normal to you?
Your partner's lack of control over their own behavior
Does your partner have low self-esteem?
Do they appear to feel powerless, ineffective, or inadequate in the world, although they are outwardly successful?
Does your partner externalize the causes of their own behavior?
Do they blame their violence on stress, alcohol, or a "bad day"?
Is your partner unpredictable?
Is your partner a pleasant person between bouts of violence?
Your partner's violent or threatening behavior
Does your partner have a bad temper?
Has your partner ever threatened to hurt you or kill you?
Has your partner ever physically hurt you?
Has your partner threatened to take your children away from you, especially if you try to leave the relationship?
Has your partner ever threatened to commit suicide, especially as a way of keeping you from leaving?
Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn't want to?
Has your partner threatened you at work, either in person or on the phone?
Is your partner cruel to animals?
Does your partner destroy your belongings or household objects?
Your partner's controlling behavior
Does your partner try to keep you from seeing your friends or family?
Are you embarrassed to invite friends or family over to your house because of your partner's behavior?
Has your partner limited your access to money, the telephone, or the car?
Does your partner try to stop you from going where you want to go outside of the house, or from doing what you want to do?
Is your partner jealous and possessive, asking where you are going and where you have been, as if checking up on you?
Do they accuse you of having an affair?
Your partner's diminishment of you
Does your partner verbally abuse you?
Does your partner humiliate or criticize you in front of others?
Does your partner often ignore you or put down your opinions or contributions?
Does your partner always insist that they are right, even when they are clearly wrong?
Does your partner blame you for their own violent behavior, saying that your behavior or attitudes cause them to be violent?
Is your partner often outwardly angry with you?
Does your partner objectify and disrespect women?
Does your partner see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
In my workplace, what are the warning signs that a person is a victim of domestic violence?
Domestic violence often plays out in the workplace. For instance, a husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend might make threatening phone calls to their intimate partner or ex-partner. Or the worker may show injuries from physical abuse at home.
If you witness a cluster of the following warning signs in the workplace, you can reasonably suspect domestic abuse:
Bruises and other signs of impact on the skin, with the excuse of "accidents"
Depression, crying
Frequent and sudden absences
Frequent lateness
Frequent, harassing phone calls to the person while they are at work
Fear of the partner, references to the partner's anger
Decreased productivity and attentiveness
Isolation from friends and family
Insufficient resources to live (money, credit cards, car)
If you do recognize signs of domestic abuse in a co-worker, talk to your Human Resources department. The Human Resources staff should be able to help the victim without your further involvement.
What are the causes of domestic abuse or domestic violence?
A strong predictor of domestic violence in adulthood is domestic violence in the household in which the person was reared. For instance, a child's exposure to their father's or mother's abuse of the alternate parent is the strongest risk factor for transmitting domestic violence from one generation to the next. This cycle of domestic violence is difficult to break because parents have presented violence as the norm.
Individuals living with domestic violence in their households have learned that violence and mistreatment are the way to vent anger. Someone resorts to physical violence because they have solved their problems in the past with violence, they have effectively exerted control and power over others through violence, and no one has stopped them from being violent in the past. Some immediate causes that can set off a bout of domestic abuse are:
stress
provocation by the intimate partner
economic hardship, such as prolonged unemployment
depression
desperation
jealousy
anger
How does society perpetuate domestic abuse?
Society contributes to domestic violence by not taking it seriously enough and by treating it as expected, normal, or deserved. Specifically, society perpetuates domestic abuse in the following ways.
Police may not treat domestic abuse as a crime, but, rather, as a "domestic dispute"
Courts may not award severe consequences, such as imprisonment or economic sanctions
A community usually doesn't ostracize domestic abusers
Clergy or counselors may have the attitude that the relationship needs to be improved and that the relationship can work, given more time and effort
People may have the attitude that the abuse is the fault of the victim, or that the abuse is a normal part of marriage or domestic partnerships
Community solutions may be inadequate, such that victims cannot get the help they need. For example, seeking refuge in a shelter may require a woman to leave her neighborhood, social support system, job, school, and childcare. In addition, teenagers are often not welcome at shelters, particularly teenage males. Teenage girls with children may have difficulty finding shelter because of their own age. And male victims of domestic violence have trouble finding shelters that will take them.
Domestic abuse is more common in low-income populations. Low-income victims may lack mobility and the financial resources to leave an abusive situation.
What are the results of domestic violence or abuse?
The results of domestic violence or abuse can be very long-lasting. People who are abused by a spouse or intimate partner may develop:
sleeping problems
depression
anxiety attacks
low self-esteem
lack of trust in others
feelings of abandonment
anger
sensitivity to rejection
diminished mental and physical health
inability to work
poor relationships with their children and other loved ones
substance abuse as a way of coping
Physical abuse may result in death, if the victim does not leave the relationship.
What is the effect of domestic violence on children?
Children who witness domestic violence may develop serious emotional, behavioral, developmental, or academic problems. As children, they may become violent themselves, or withdraw. Some act out at home or school; others try to be the perfect child. Children from violent homes may become depressed and have low self-esteem.
As they develop, children and teens who grow up with domestic violence in the household are more likely to use violence at school or in the community in response to perceived threats more likely to attempt suicide more likely to use drugs more likely to commit crimes, especially sexual assault more likely to use violence to enhance their reputation and self-esteem more likely to become abusers in their own relationships later in life.
The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil,
but because of the people who don't do anything about it. - Albert Einstein
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