I have been out & away from BPD boyfriend of 3 1/2 years for 3 years now. I
remember how broken, with my emotions in shreds & how unsalvagable I felt within
my self to move forward when it was over between us for the last time. It felt a
easier
& a more welcome idea would be, if I could just lay down & never wake.

A once happy go lucky, vibrant, always a smile on my face & quick to laugh
Woman. I
became a face in the mirror I could hardly reconize. Face red & puffy from
crying &
tense from worry, about what may lay ahead in each day. Walking on eggshells &
trying my best to run 20 feet ahead, to keep his path clear.

He kicked me to curb just as I was just getting into therapy & books with the
words
verbal abuse started showing up at our house. And today I say "bless his heart".
It
gave me the opportunity to repair & heal those broken & dented parts of me that
attracted this type of abusive partner to me. And stay far longer than any
emotionally
healthy person would do.

I first saw a woman on Oprah near the end of our relationship who spoke of just
the
sort of man I was involved with. I ran out that afternoon & got her book.
Reading it in
one sitting & highlighting parts of every page.

Just recieving my first computer I very quickly found BPD central. I remember
being at
DMV waiting for my # to be called as I sat with a highlighter maker & a print
out of
symtoms of BPD. By the time my # was called & I had gone down the list. There
was
more yellow on the paper than white.

That list was a real eye opener for me. I was clueless & truley thought if I
could just
get us thru this bad part with him. We could get on to the happy part of the
story &
he would so appreciate me when all was said & done. Only the bad, crazy parts
started & continued just a few days into our union & I think the only thing I
didn't
check on that symtom list was "if he kicked the dog".

That list allowed me to let go of my dream of ever having a healthy thriving
relationship with him. I thought I was the broken one. The one who couldn't get
it
right. When I was given a name for the circular conversations we kept having &
all
the very same mind f*** games he was playing me with all along. It was wild how
being informed freed me up in so many ways.

That was the first part of my healing & for me a biggy. To get informed about
what
was really going on. To be able to let go of falling in love with his potenial
once & for
all. Allow him to drift off, find his own way. Not to dig my heels in even
further &
think to myself "Ohh now he really needs me". His sickness was deep & I could
see
that now.

The second part & the part that has taken nearly as long, as that relationship
lasted.
Was to turn the focus onto me completely. Becoming whole, nurturing self love,
respect & worthyness. All that good stuff that doesn't allow for otherwise.

I found all that good self-love stuff not in one book, video, tape or cd or
workshop.
But in a day in day out, moment to moment of lil' self kindness's towards
myself. My
new made up mantra is "I love myself enough not to allow others not to".

It has been a long journey to this place I now am. And there is no going back
for me.
No more being part of someone elses madness. No more watching & trying to help
someone who is drowning, as thy try & hold my head down. No more hanging out in
a cage who's doors are wide open.

I never know when my light bulbs & most Spiritual moments are going to happen. I
asked God about a year ago "why in the past did I get into such abusive
relationships
& stay so long, when it was clear how unhappy I was"?

My answer came later that day when I popped on the tv just as the movie Thelm &
Louise was just starting. Thelma in reponce to Louise's question about her
unhappy
relationship said "Ya get what you settle for"!!!

Having gone from a victim mentality to accepting my role in staying. I was open
to
hearing the meaning of this stern message. This simple statement told me all I
needed to know to understand all those unhappy moments in the past. And all I
needed to know about creating & being part of a happy future called my life.

It was not about what my Mother, Sister, friend or neighbor 2 blocks down
settled for.
It was what "I" settled for. As each moment. day, week & years passed with him,
it was
what "I" settled for.

I turned off the tv at that point & turned it back on an hour or so later, just
as Louise
was now telling Thema "you get what you settle for" later on in the same movie.
Now
if thats not God/Spirit talking to me I don't know what is!

People are going to be who they choose to be. In every moment we each choose how
to respond to each other. Today when people are off the wall with me (according
to
what I deem off the wall) I simply move away. They made a choice in that moment
,
now I get to make a choice in each moment. I now know "I get what I settle for"
& I
only settle for what feels good. Peace, Lola :}

P.s. Ohh that happy go lucky, vibrant, always a smile on her face, quick to
laugh
Woman...I have been seeing alot more of her lately!