TYPES OF VERBAL/EMOTIONAL ABUSE!

"I would rather be kicked with a foot than be overcome by a loud
voice speaking cruel words."

~Elizabeth Barrett Browning


INTIMIDATION

Intimidation can come through words or actions that threaten or imply
harm or loss. It is designed to control and gain power through fear.

Intimidating statements can include:

You better do as I say or else.
If you don't listen to me, you'll be sorry.
I am an authority figure, so: what I say goes, everyone will believe
what I say about you, no one will listen to what you tell them about
me, etc.
I can make your life hell.

Intimidating actions can include:

Lying to the authorities about you.
Filing false reports about you.
Getting others involved to harrass, suppress, and control you.


COUNTERING AND CORRECTING

Countering shuts down the discussion and opposes or denies the
victim's reality. The abuser argues against the victim's thoughts,
opinions, and reality. By negating his/her views, the abuser feels
he/she is maintaining control and dominance over the victim.

Some countering and correcting statements include:

That never happened.
You just imagined that.
You are telling tales again.
You are always wrong.
That's a stupid way to feel.
What an idiotic thought.
Who cares what you think? You're nothing.


SELECTIVE MEMORY

Abusers may "conveniently forget" or alter the facts. This selective
memory can be used to deny, twist, and rewrite reality (this is
also "crazy-making").

Selective memory is signaled by statements such as:

I don't know what you're talking about.
I never said that.
That's not what happened.
You're making that up.


BELITTLING

Belittling puts down the victim and invalidates his/her opinions or
feelings. Or it may be designed to tell the victim that his/her
concerns or accomplishments are insignificant. Belittling statements
may be patronizing put-downs such as, "Well, that's nice that it
gives you something to do."

Some belittling statements include:

You can't take a joke.
You're too sensitive.
You don't know what you're talking about.
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
You always have to have something to complain about.


ABUSIVE "JOKES"

Put-downs disguised as jokes often refer to gender, race, mental
abilities, or competency.

Some abusive joking can include:

You are a lunatic.
You need a keeper.
What else can you expect from a man/woman?
You couldn't find your head if it wasn't attached.


HOLDING OUT

The abuser who refuses to share themselves with their partner, who
ignores or refuses to listen to him/her, or who refuses to share
information is violating the premise of a relationship. Holding back
emotional support erodes confidence and determination.

Holding out includes refusal to communicate, and statements such as:

There's nothing to talk about.
You wouldn't be interested.
It's none of your business.
I don't have to explain myself to you.


SIDETRACKING AND SHUTTING DOWN

Forcing the discussion off track, shutting it down, or changing the
subject are ways to control and frustrate the conversation. Sometimes
accusing and blaming are used to hijack the discussion and throw the
victim off balance.

Some shutting-down statements are:

You're just trying to have the last word.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Just drop it!
Shut up!
I am not interested in a thing you have to say, you're a nobody.
Let's change the subject.


TRANSFERRING BLAME

Many abusers blame their partner for their anger, irritation, or
insecurity. Telling the victim that the abuse is his/her fault
confuses him/her and puts him/her on the defensive. An abuser may
accuse the victim of the very actions done by the abuser him/herself.
(This can be very "crazy-making.")

Some blaming phrases include:

It's all your fault.
You're just trying to pick a fight.
I wouldn't have (fill in the blank)
If you weren't so (fill in the blank).
You made me say/do it.


FAULTFINDING

Most statements that begin with the word "you" or "always/never"
signal abusive faultfinding and criticism.

Faultfinding veiled in help or advice is abusive:

You're truly hopeless/helpless without me.
Let me show you how to do that right.
You should just let me do that since it's over your head.
I always need to make all the decisions around here.


INSULTING AND LABELING

Insulting names and personal "labels" are abusive, as are demeaning
sexual references.

Dingbat, air-head Slut, b*tch, C*cksucker, D*ck Stupid, ugly, fat,
cheap


COMMANDING

When a partner commands or demands instead of respectfully
requesting, he/she denies the worth and independence of the victim.

Commanding/demanding statements include:

Fix me dinner.
Buy me this now.
Do my laundry.
Get off the phone.
Give me sex.


LASHING OUT

Lashing out at someone is never justified. Angry verbal attacks,
yelling, raging, and temper tantrums can be effective ways to
intimidate and control others.

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