i second this. it's an incredible gift you are giving to your children. your
strength in doing this, and your putting their needs first, is true parenting in
its purest form. i wish it had happened for me with my parent(s) because life
would be a lot different now. don't underestimate the power of what you are
doing. when it seems mundane and hard and lonely, the greatness of it won't be
obvious, but you're halting what would become a tragic situation. that's real
love.

-----Original Message-----
>From: truthseekerforgood <truthseekerforgood@...>
>Sent: Feb 22, 2008 9:51 PM
>To: End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com
>Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} Re: New member
>
>--- In End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com, "skyenov" <sjs05@...> wrote:
>>Please, please, please stay strong for the sake of your children.
>Read enough of the other post like this one to help you keep an
>objective point of view about abuse and how utterly ridiculous it is
>that we would put up with for one single minute! As I read your
>horrifying recollections of being in the presence of a MONSTER, I
>found myself getting so heated up and thinking 'this is
>unbelievable'! Except for one thing, I do believe it because I lived
>it, too; first as a child with an alcoholic father and a loving yet
>weak and frightened Mother who did her best to protect us when he was
>so crazy. We spent one Christmas Eve at a little cheap motel, my
>Mother, sister, and me because Daddy had threatened to kill us and
>then himself. My Mother was a saint, and when I was fourteen, she
>finally left him, and we had peace in our little rental house; we
>were so poor, but she sacrificed herself to make sure we had what we
>needed, and our life together was good; she raised us to be loving
>and kind to everyone, like she was; like you are and will do for your
>little ones. I understand grieving for the "family" that you wanted
>to provide for them; believe me, you and those little ones are FAMILY
>a plenty. He's a bad, bad risk, and you and your children are worth
>too much to take such risk. Give him the "gift" of setting him free
>to take the next 5 years to work hard at maturing and becoming a man
>of integrity. There are so many things he could get involved in that
>would over the next five years grow him up and exhibit authentic
>change...he owes his children proving himself from a distance and in
>other scenarios before he should ever be allowed to come back in to
>their lives as more than an occasional supervised visitor. Never let
>your guard down as their caretaker, Mom. I'm only compelled to
>encourage you in this way because I know about the empty, tearful
>promises and the clever ways they have of being so pitiful that you
>feel sorry for them. Feel sorry for your children, and yourself, and
>I hope that everytime you hear his voice or see his face, you'll
>immediately picture something being violently destroyed at your
>horror!
> Oh, my second experience was similar to my childhood in emotional
>abuse;it was my marriage, and I was the mother of two trying to
>protect them from Daddy's bad moods and tantrums and monstrous
>temper. Pretty unbelievable. I wish I'd left him many years ago.
> No one should ever have to be afraid of someone who is supposed to
>love and cherish them.
> My heart goes out to you so much. Just please remember how truly
>valuable you are. You deserve so much better and if you give
>yourself the time and space you need, "better" is what you'll
>experience.
> Thanks for sharing your truth and your wise decision. I'm proud
>to know you.
>TruthSeekerForGood
>
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>> 6 months ago I left my husband of 3 1/2 years when my daughter was
>1
>> week old & my son 2 1/2. I guess I first thought of it in December
>> when we couldn't get our 2 year old to go to sleep and we were both
>> lying in bed with him and I sugested S let me try it on my own.
>> Suddenly, when up until then it had been a fine evening, S jumped
>> out of our sons bed, went down the hall, and started kicking the
>> baby gate until it went down the stairs. Our son (P) said what
>> happened. I was shaking & calmed P down. After P went to sleep, I
>> went downstairs and said what was that? He said I control P and
>> don't give him a chance to let him help. I let him know it was not
>> OK to treat me that way. The next week, I asked one of my closest
>> friends what they thought & she said if you want the truth, he is
>> emotionally abusive to you. Soon after, one evening when we had
>had
>> a good evening and our son was with neighbors, I told him that I
>> wanted to tell him something very seriously. I sat down next to
>> him, looked him in the eye and said For the first time since I have
>> known you, I do not like you or want to be around you. If you do
>> not stop kicking things, throwing things, or yelling at me
>> especially in front of P, I will leave you. There were mixtures of
>> good times and of unexpected bursts of anger all increasing as I
>> became more pregnant. One evening after he had been drinking, I
>was
>> making P a microwave dinner & tore the wrapper off incorrectly, S
>> threw the wrapper on the floor & asked what the h I was doing?
>> Again, out of nowhere, and making my blood cold & my heart race. I
>> said stop, do not talk to me that way and please stop drinking. He
>> went upstairs & I could hear punching, I grabbed P and soon after
>> saw S throwing P's toys - they flew by us, then I saw him come down
>> the stairs with the lower 1/2 of a door he had punched & kicked
>> through it. My heart raced as I ran to the front door & I could not
>> open it. He opened it & through the door onto the front lawn. I
>ran
>> past him with P, put him in the car seat (barefoot), debated
>> buckling him in & knew I had to & drove away. I went to CVS and
>> bought food for P and socks, then to a friend's house. The next day
>> there were promises of it never happening again and lots of crying
>&
>> hugs. A month later, P was drinking and so I avoided him. I put P
>> to bed & laid down upstairs with an umbilical walkman - playing
>Bach
>> for my baby to be and read a book. S came up and had a crazy look
>> in his eye and said Waht do you want? I said I didn't understand
>> and was tired & please go downstairs & leave me alone. There was a
>> metal ironing board by the bed and he all the sudden slammed his
>> fist on it & it broke in half. I jumped up and went in the hall to
>> be between him & P's room. He said Guess what I was going to do
>> instead of that? Then he walked out the door. The next day there
>> were more promises. Then a month before I gave birth, we went to my
>> brother's wedding. The night before for all the festivities, he
>> drank too much & I could not get him to leave. P was tired & in his
>> car seat & I was begging him to leave & finally he did, but I was
>> afraid so said nothing to him. The next evening, he drank too much
>> at the reception. Again, I could not get him to leave & when P was
>> in his car seat & me driving, S was outside the van & I said, I
>want
>> to leave now! It was 11pm & I was exhausted. S got in the car &
>> started banging his fists on the dash & calling me F*ing B* in
>front
>> of our awake son. It lasted for 5 terrifying minutes. Whe I pulled
>> in front of the hotel, my parents pulled behind us. I grabbed P &
>> told my Dad S was being mean. My Dad approached him & when S said a
>> few things to him, my Dad who had no idea P could be like that
>> slammed him against the wall outside & said you do not treat my
>> daughter or grandson like that. P then got in the van & drove away
>> scared of my Dad. My Dad called 911 & P was arrested for DUI, DWI.
>> The next morning, P called over & over again leaving the meanest
>> possible messages. When he sobered up, he apologized & promised to
>> get help. He did get help. I went to meetings with him for 3 weeks.
>> But sober he was still lazy and sometimes mean & I was scared of
>> him. I always left a full bag for P & I in the van in case we
>needed
>> a quick escape & I never told P where I went so I would have a safe
>> place. A week before I gave birth, I was packing (we had planned to
>> move together after the baby was born) and he yelled at me for
>> putting something in the hallway, then went in the room, slammed
>the
>> door & watched TV. I wanted things to be OK & asked him to talk it
>> through, then saw myself 9 3/4 months pregnant luggging things up &
>> down the stairs & said stop. I picked up P from daycare & went to
>my
>> parents. My whole family cam eover & said we will support you
>> leaving him. I promised I would. When we went to the hospital (I
>> needed a c-section), P was upset bc we didn't stop for a Mountain
>> Dew for him and kept talking about himself. But I wanted him there.
>> I loved him and we were having our daughter. Something changed
>after
>> I gave birth. I saw him come into see me complainging about how
>> tired he was from working on the house & how my parents were
>driving
>> him crazy before asking how I was & our new daughter was. When I
>got
>> home, our baby girl was 7 days old & my parents said they would
>> leave. I asked them to stay 1 more night. When P got home from his
>> alcohol recovery meeting, I said I can't do this anymore. He said
>> what? I said us. he couldn't hurt me or our kids with my Dad there.
>> he threw some things downstairs & left. He begged for me to say we
>> would work things out on the phone & threatened suicide. I would
>> have taken him back, but my Dad told me he was an anchor, my 3rd
>> child, all I needed were the clothes on our backs & my children &
>to
>> leave. S called the police to get in the house. The police witnssed
>> his interactions with me & the kids then he left. We packed fast &
>> went to the next state with my parents. That was 6 months ago. In
>> the interim, he has tried everything to get me back & if I were not
>> with my parents I would have gone back. I am so glad I have not. I
>> have met him with the kids and it makes me so sad that we are not a
>> family. I think all the time about the good times and the deep love
>> we had and the wonderful times we shared as a family esp after P
>was
>> born. I have read Codependent No More & it has helped me so much in
>> times where I have put his feelings in front of my own & even my
>> kids. I receive no child support. He has gone into debt by $20,000
>&
>> wants $25,000 when the house sells. He blames me for the debt bc I
>> left him suddenly with no money. Tomorrow he goes to court for the
>> DUI & he partially blames my Dad. I try to make the right decisions
>> for our children in seeing him. I am scared to leave them alone
>with
>> him although he said he has learned & would never let anything
>> happen with them. Iworry my kids will be affected by not having
>> their Dad. Our daughter deprived of a father at a week old. I know
>I
>> did the right think for them. P asks if Daddy ran in the street (it
>> is the worst thing he thinks someone can do) and asks if Daddy is
>> still sad. He asks for his Daddy when the other kids Dads are
>around
>> & I have to fight back tears. I cry every day for what I lost. But
>I
>> look at my daughter & think you never ever had to be hurt by him
>and
>> that's all that matters. I don't know where my strength is coming
>> from, but every day I get the kids ready, take them to daycare,
>> commute 1 1/2 hours to work eadch way, eat dinner as a family, get
>> them ready for bed and love them as hard as I can. I will not stop
>> this path until myself & the kids are out of his emotional harm,
>> which I know will always be there.
>>
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