Karin,

I agree with Dr. Phil that the best predictor of future behavior is past
behavior. I know what you are going through and admit that they can pour on the
charm when they want something. Obviously he has figured out you are serious,
so it's time to be prince charming again. He figures that it has worked in the
past (most likely....it did with me anyway) and it's now time to beg forgiveness
and make promises (that has probably worked in the past, too) that you are
pretty sure he won't keep. In my opinion, he's still trying to control you.
When I finally told my almost-X VA that I was leaving, he begged, cried,
promised, begged some more, promised some more, cried some more and when that
didn't work, he agreed that we should seperate, but that I should stay in the
house and he would move. (More control....I gave in to his suggestion to stay
in the house, so although I got what I wanted...the seperation, he was in
control of how we would seperate.)
That lasted about 3 weeks and the end finally came with me calling the police
and they issued a restraining order against him for domestic violence.

My VA said that he never realized how much he had hurt me too. I guess that all
the tears and fights just don't register with them? I don't know how to explain
it, but we even tried counselling and he told our counsellor at the first
meeting that he was there to find out what was wrong with me! So everything
that I told the counsellor, he had an excuse for. It wasn't until I went to
counselling alone that I made any progress. He still after almost 2 and a half
years of seperation can't figure out why I was so unhappy, after all, he gave me
everything, and I was the ungrateful b!tch. I quit trying to figure out HIS
problems and concentrated on getting myself happy and healthy again. I'm happy
to say that it has been a success, but I'm still a work in progress. I figure
this will effect future relationships for years to come, but it's constructive
work and I feel better all the time for the progress I have made.

My only advice is to follow your instincts. You are the only one that can know
when the time is right for you to do it. We can all give advice, but what works
for one, doesn't always work for another. You are the only one that can make a
decision to leave or to stay. We'll all be here on the sidelines for you. Come
here often for support and a shoulder to lean on. In the meantime, take good
care of yourself.

hugs,

FF2




----- Original Message ----
From: Karin <kmp1218@...>
To: End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Sunday, February 17, 2008 10:10:36 PM
Subject: Re: {End Verbal Abuse} struggling...

Thanks to all of you for your support and for sharing your thoughts.

The thing is, I told him almost a year ago that things were really
bad. I gave him a written list of things/behaviors that I saw as
unacceptable. I had composed the list almost 2 years prior to that
and it took me those 2 years to find the strength to give it to him.
He is very controlling and I haven't been able to have any semblance
of a conversation with him about our relationship until now - until I
told him that I filed for divorce. Then and only then did he change
his tune and even attempt to listen to anything I had to say. Now
that I've taken steps to pull myself (and my kids) out of this
abusive environment he says he's ready to listen and change.

It took so much for me to start moving toward freedom that if I give
him one more chance and it doesn't work out it could very well take
me years to get to this point again. Things haven't changed in 28
years - why should I believe that things will change now?

Deep down I know he'll blow up again. Whether it's in a week or a
month or a few months - he'll blow. I have no reason to believe he
won't. And I don't know if I'll have strength and courage to find my
way out again.

On the other hand, he continues to apologize and is almost begging me
to give him one more chance. He keeps saying he didn't realize how
much he hurt me and I keep thinking about the list I gave him almost
a year ago. It said it all and he ignored it.

Why should I believe him now?

I'm 50 years old and I don't want to spend anymore of my life being
miserable. It's so hard to say no and to say it over and over again.

This is exhausting.

Again, thanks for your thoughts and support.

Blessings,

Karin

--- In End_Verbal_Abuse@ yahoogroups. com, zestforart@. .. wrote:
>
>
> Dear Karin:
>
> My VAH used to ask me the same questions over and over again,
knowing I would conscientiously and delicately try to answer them
again and that it hurt me to have to search for the nonoffensive
words to do so, as if he was a child and simply didn't understand.?
The very asking of the same questions over and over was a form of
abuse to me, as the answer was always the same:? the reason I don't
feel comfortable giving you a juicy kiss is because you have insulted
me 10 times today and disregarded my respectful wishes about our
activities and trivialized things that I have said from the depths of
my soul, and when I once in a blue moon point any of this out to you
in a delicate way, you just defend it and never seem to be sorry and
do it again the next chance you get.? What is so hard to understand
about that, and why would any compassionate person have to hear it
more than once?
>
> Zest
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Karin <kmp1218@... >
> To: End_Verbal_Abuse@ yahoogroups. com
> Sent: Sun, 17 Feb 2008 12:52 pm
> Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} struggling.. .
>
> Hi to all,
>
>
>
> I've been logging on here for a few years now - posted once or
>
> twice. I've been with my VA for over 28 years, married for almost
>
> 24. I didn't realize I was being verbally & emotionally abused
until
>
> about 4 years ago (how does that happen?) but now I reread a
journal
>
> I started 27 years ago and it's very apparent that it's been
>
> happening since almost day 1.
>
>
>
> My struggle is this: 2 weeks ago (Super Bowl Sunday) my VA blew -
he
>
> pressed every one of my buttons he could think of and kept at it. I
>
> decided then and there that that was it. The next morning, I
called
>
> an attorney and by the following Friday had filed for divorce. I
>
> told my VA 8 days ago and he got a letter informing him of such
>
> action 5 days ago. I had no idea how he'd react and he was actually
>
> relatively cool about things. He was a little angry, then pleading
>
> some and then practical (well, we'll have to sell this and that and
>
> split everything up).
>
>
>
> Now he's started pleading with me to not go through with the
>
> divorce. He says he'll do ANYTHING to make things right. He says
>
> he'll change. He says he had no idea that he had pushed me to my
>
> limit. He says he doesn't want to lose me and on and on.
>
>
>
> It took me 28 years to muster up the courage to tell him and now
I'm
>
> beginning to think twice about it. I know he won't change...I know
>
> it! But all this pleading forces me to tell him over and over
again -
>
> and it's so hard!
>
>
>
> I'm just looking for a little support here - any wise words you can
>
> share will be greatly appreciated.
>
>
>
> Thank you in advance.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
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__
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>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>






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