I read your letter below.? I try to think how I have survived recently.? First
I read books on abuse like a maniac every spare moment.? This let me know what
is happening so I am not in a daze.? Then I went through a few counselors
finding the right one and go to her as much as I can.? Then I try to do the
activities I did before I got married so I could feel like I was my normal self
again.? My local YWCA (NOT YWMCA) has counseling groups and private counseling
which is almost free ($5) per session, also.? I keep a dated detailed journal
religiously detailing conversations and events that happened with my VAH, which
I believe is going to help me with my divorce.? My attorney recently agreed to
ask for a basis of cruelty instead of the garden variety incompatibility.? I am
searching public records--the courthouse and police station have people to tell
you where to look--to find evidence about my VAH--something I should have done
before I agreed to marry.? I keep myself busy doing all these things, and if you
add them up, they really help me get through each day.? I am not with my VAH any
more but he still is doing things to annoy me through my family.? I have located
a few friends that are truly sympathetic and I leave my other friends alone for
the time being, cuz I need support more than just socializing.? I re-read my
journals.? I record my counselor's sessions and replay them in the headset if I
get depressed, can't get to sleep, or get bored at work.? I am trying to keep my
inner child alive!

Best wishes to you and in whatever works for you...

Zest







-----Original Message-----
From: Linda <herbal7@...>
To: End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Mon, 18 Feb 2008 8:37 am
Subject: Re: {End Verbal Abuse} struggling...

























Married 26 yrs and been together 28 yrs. His abuse has worsened over the years
to the point of my filing for divorce last year. Then he stopped paying bills
and we almost last everything. He convinced me bankruptcy was the only
alternative. My attorney told me not to sign, but I was forced into it. Thus my
divorce was cancelled and my attorney quit, leaving me to stay with the a**hole
for 5 more yrs or until bankruptcy is over.

He came home last night and saw the neighbor trying to cut tree limbs without
a ladder. He used to borrow ours. Hubby asked me why he didn't ask to borrow one
or even talk to him anymore. Well the reason is, his wife is my best friend and
they have seen how he treats me and my teen daughter. They do not respect him
any longer and frankly do not like him anymore. So I told him the reason, since
he kept pressing for an answer. That turned into him defending himself and
justifying his actions. They don't know him, don't know the truth, etc. Got to
the point of my having a panic/anxiety attack, him threatening to hit me, if I
was a man he would knock my lights out.{has done it before and went to jail
once}. Then since we were at it, daughter started yelling at me too. Turned into
a big fiasco. These men are really little boys needing a good spanking from
their mommy's. I do everything for him. He supports us by working, but that is
it. I am not able to work due to illness and

have been a sahm since daughter was born. I am about to go nuts living like
this. what is one to do?

Linda



zestforart@... wrote:



Dear Karin:



My VAH used to ask me the same questions over and over again, knowing I would
conscientiously and delicately try to answer them again and that it hurt me to
have to search for the nonoffensive words to do so, as if he was a child and
simply didn't understand.? The very asking of the same questions over and over
was a form of abuse to me, as the answer was always the same:? the reason I
don't feel comfortable giving you a juicy kiss is because you have insulted me
10 times today and disregarded my respectful wishes about our activities and
trivialized things that I have said from the depths of my soul, and when I once
in a blue moon point any of this out to you in a delicate way, you just defend
it and never seem to be sorry and do it again the next chance you get.? What is
so hard to understand about that, and why would any compassionate person have to
hear it more than once?



Zest



-----Original Message-----

From: Karin

To: End_Verbal_Abuse@yahoogroups.com

Sent: Sun, 17 Feb 2008 12:52 pm

Subject: {End Verbal Abuse} struggling...



Hi to all,



I've been logging on here for a few years now - posted once or



twice. I've been with my VA for over 28 years, married for almost



24. I didn't realize I was being verbally & emotionally abused until



about 4 years ago (how does that happen?) but now I reread a journal



I started 27 years ago and it's very apparent that it's been



happening since almost day 1.



My struggle is this: 2 weeks ago (Super Bowl Sunday) my VA blew - he



pressed every one of my buttons he could think of and kept at it. I



decided then and there that that was it. The next morning, I called



an attorney and by the following Friday had filed for divorce. I



told my VA 8 days ago and he got a letter informing him of such



action 5 days ago. I had no idea how he'd react and he was actually



relatively cool about things. He was a little angry, then pleading



some and then practical (well, we'll have to sell this and that and



split everything up).



Now he's started pleading with me to not go through with the



divorce. He says he'll do ANYTHING to make things right. He says



he'll change. He says he had no idea that he had pushed me to my



limit. He says he doesn't want to lose me and on and on.



It took me 28 years to muster up the courage to tell him and now I'm



beginning to think twice about it. I know he won't change...I know



it! But all this pleading forces me to tell him over and over again -



and it's so hard!



I'm just looking for a little support here - any wise words you can



share will be greatly appreciated.



Thank you in advance.



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