>Karin wrote: The thing is, I told him almost a year ago that things
were really
> bad. I gave him a written list of things/behaviors that I saw as
unacceptable.

*** I gave my husband a list three months before I moved out. Four
pages of pouring my heart trying to convey my heartbreak and what I
could no longer tolerate, or I would have to move out for my own sanity.
Then when I did move out, he told everyone, I moved with no warning, and
never told him how unhappy I was. Four pages wasn't a sign of trouble
to come??

> Things haven't changed in 28
> years - why should I believe that things will change now?
> Deep down I know he'll blow up again. Whether it's in a week or a
> month or a few months - he'll blow. I have no reason to believe he
> won't. And I don't know if I'll have strength and courage to find my
> way out again.

Okay, you know a blow up is probably inevitable... (my husband has been
the same way for 20 years) and you can't prevent it. But what you can
do now is plan what you will do when that blow up happens. If you
have an advance plan, it is easier to come up with the courage to act.
I am not trying to tell you what to do , just give examples... like
always have $100 hidden in your purse, so you can calmly walk out and
spend the night in a motel. Have a close friend that you can call late
at night with no explanations or criticism who will let you sleep on her
couch. Always make sure you have gas in the car so you can leave and
drive around for a few hours. Go to the guest room, and lock the door.
Refuse to lower yourself to his level by screaming back, or defending
yourself, because it doesn't seem to help and sometimes escalates the
fight. The abuser has to calm himself down, and be willing to talk like
a grown up later on.

Because as I have read here or some other help group, the only way to
get out of this crazy dance, is to stop dancing. You cannot "make" him
understand, stop yelling, or stop verbally abusing you. When someone is
mad and screaming at you, all the understanding and placating, soothing
ruffled feathers, all that, is not going to make things better. It just
keeps you tangled up in the web, and dancing some dance that you don't
know the rules to.

The only way to stop the abuse is to leave the situtation. I don't
necessarily mean the marriage, but you need to draw a line, and say I
will no longer tolerate _____ , and if it happens, I will take care of
me by doing___________ . Plan what you will do, and follow thru.
If you have good things about your marriage except when he acts like
this, then it doesn't have to be change or divorce. Something in the
middle could work.

(Although I decided the best thing for me was to separate from my
husband, but he would say he would do anything to keep from leaving, but
his actions never matched up to his promises. That was when I knew I
had to leave to take care of me)

> I'm 50 years old and I don't want to spend anymore of my life being
> miserable. It's so hard to say no and to say it over and over again.
> This is exhausting.

I am 42, and feel like at my age I should have my act together. I want
to feel content for the rest of my life, even if that means being
single. I will surround myself with people who love me, and nurture me,
not abuse and take advantage of me. I agree this is exhausting for us
because we are always trying to fix it... and meanwhile it seems like
most of the time the abusers go about their day without a care.

Take care of yourself,

Mary B.



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