I totally recognize what you are also saying. Except my VA says stuff to our
daughter about him really caring for me, loving me, and why am I doing all this
to our relationship. When all this time he hasn't once tried to do anything nice
for me like most men would do to try to win their ladies over. He has only done
bad to me even since I moved out. He's doing things to make it very hard one me,
and I believe he is doing it so I don't make it on my own. In hopes that I will
have no choice but to come running back to him. Is that really love. Nope. And
I'm sorry but I will NEVER NEVER fall and come running to him. It will
definately won't be him that I EVER depend on again.

Well gotta run. I will keep you in my mind and prayers. It does make it
somewhat easier to know that someone else is going through it also. We can help
each other stay strong through this trying time. Thanks. -Kathy

Carrie Luczak <backoffcityboy1@...> wrote:
I am amazed at how much you remind me of my situation. I have been
married almost 11yrs, and up until about 6 mths ago, my husband was a severe
alcoholic. My husband was very abusive,(verbal), to me and my oldest daughter, I
have 3 children, and for 10 yrs. I raised his daughter. I have had a couple of
restraining orders out, and kicked him out of the house when I finally just
could not take it anymore, It took him about 4 mths. of me not giving a crap
about him, before he tried to commit suicide, he was baker acted and spent only
3 wks in a rehab program. He is a total control freek, and very jealous. After
he came out of rehab, I had found a guy that I was sort of seeing, my husband
went totally belistic. I ended up moving out and giving up my 10 acre farm, and
getting a rental. He lost cutody of his daughter, and she was basically ripped
out of my house. Now that he has been sober about 6 months, he is obcessed with
getting me back.He has stopped his drinking,
but that
is about the only thing he has stopped, I mean I am not even living with him,
but he totally freaks, if I go out with my friends, or do anything. He checks my
phone bills, to see who I have been talking to, he questions our kids to see
what I do, etc. I have ended all contact with the guy that I was seeing a
little, just because he started so much crap about that whole issue. I have had
several talks with him, and have tried to explain that I am just not sure, after
what we have been through if I still have feelings for him, or enough feeling to
move back in with him. But I try to be very nice to him, I do not want to hurt
him, even though I should have every right to. But if I am nice, then he
mistakes that for, everything is cool, and we will be together. Then when it
does not happen that way, he freaks. I am very leary about his unstability,
because he is not working a program and not attending meetings, things like
that. He says that he can not focus on anything
other than getting me back right now. For example, I went out last night with 2
of my girlfriends. Honostly, it is all quite innocent. I love to shoot pool, I
used to be in tournaments, and stuff, to me it is a stress reducer. I really
dont get into the whole getting drunk thing, we just like to have a few beers,
and shoot pool. Well, he ended up sending me 47 text messages in 4 hour time
yesterday, freaking out on me. Telling me that he was just gonna go get laid,
and accusing me of all types of stuff, and then telling me that if he was going
to be alone, he might just have to get drunk. He tries to put me on quilt trips
about the whole drinking thing, like it is my fault if he was to decide to start
drinking again. I am almost to the point that I just litterly cannot take it
anymore. He gets mad, cause my kids dont really want to go to his house and hang
out with him, and stuff. But, they have been through a lot and I dont feel that
I have to push them on the
issue. He has visitation of his daughter, and even she wants nothing to do with
him. She spends his weekends with me. I really just need some people I can talk
to, and maybe get points of views on how to handle things. thanks

Kathleen Blackmer <ustwogirls@...> wrote: Don't think of yourself like
that. It is in no way your fault. I am going through the same thing right now
(other than I have been forunate not to have a special needs child, but have one
child to care for). I had been with my VAH for the past 20 years (married 11
years of those 20). Looking back from today to the past 20 years I can now say
he's been abusive the whole relationship. I don't understand what came over me
to not recognize this mistreatment (especially when my childhood family was in
no way like this so I should have known that this was not a normal way of life).
But now I have awaken, removed my daughter from this constant mistreatment, and
working on reducing her exposure to it even more. I have tended to blame myself
for alot of what has happened. It's the "If Only's" that have gotten me quite a
bit over the last year (I moved my daughter and I out of the house we shared
with him a year ago). But
keep reminding myself that it was masked, and I was
manipulated so very much that I just couldn't see through it all. I then had a
daughter by him, and was concerned about her losing the family (which now I
realize wasn't a family). Then I've really thought about the fact that I was
raising my daughter to think that this was a normal way of life when it isn't.

My point is for you NOT to blame yourself. Abuse is just a VERY deceiving thing,
and it may take a little while to realize it's happening, but we will all. And
when we do it will STOP. You take care of yourself, and STOP saying those
abusive things to yourself. They are in no way true. -Kathy

luckiestkids@... wrote:
We have 3 children with significant medical issues! He cannot cope with it
and checked out years ago. He is also mean and erupts at THEM! He treats
his mother like crap. That should have tipped me off. I was so stupid. I was
21 and he was 31 when we got married......what a jerk I was. I am now 43!!!

Rosemary

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