Former Target of Verbal Abuse
You are hereby certified as having completed
The Verbal Abuse: Fight Back! Program
by successfully:
1) Learning about verbal abuse.
2) Confronting the verbal abuse.
3) Fixing your own issues.
4) Putting an end to the verbal abuse
or getting out of the verbally abusive relationship.
5) Never tolerating verbal abuse again.
Congratulations!
The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner
You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse - An 8-Step Program by Suzette Haden Elgin
Synopsis: You can't say that to me! "Can't you do anything right?" "I can't believe you would feed that junk to your child!" "What is this? And don't tell me it's a casserole, I already know that." "If you really cared about me, you wouldn't behave this way." Sound familiar? Each of us occasionally feels the sting of very unpleasant language from those who are closest to us; spouses, employers, friends, relatives. But frequent and repeated use of unanswerable questions, scalding accusations, sarcasm, insinuations, and even icy silence is more than simply unpleasant; it is abusive, destructive, and frequently leads to escalating arguments and physical violence.
Suzette Haden Elgin, creator of the "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense," has developed a unique and revolutionary way to break the cycle of verbal violence and eliminate it from your life without ruining your marriage, risking your job, or alienating friends or loved ones. Dr. Elgin shows you how to neutralize verbal attacks and discourage future abuse with:
An 8-step program that helps you recognize the patterns of verbal abuse.
Specific language techniques that enable you to avoid escalating arguments and break the cycle of abuse using skills you already possess.
Questionnaires and diaries that help you analyze abusive situations, evaluate your responses to them, and track your progress.
In this book Dr. Elgin proves that verbal abuse is not caused by human nature, but by language. She helps you discover that you are an expert in your own language, already highly qualified to solve this problem for yourself, quickly and forever.
Tongue Fu!: How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict by Sam Horn
Synopsis: The purpose of Kung Fu, the Chinese art of self-defense, is to fend off physical attacks. According to professional speaker and consultant Horn, the purpose of Tongue Fu, a spoken form of self-defense, is to guard
against psychological attacks. Dealing with difficult people is a part of everyday life. However, by focusing on real-life responses to verbal challenges instead of theories and platitudes, the author has delivered a convenient handbook for the mental martial art of verbal self-protection.
Divided into four sections, the book offers techniques and skills for responding thoughtfully in conflicts, expressing honest feelings and goals, seeking cooperation in difficult situations, and living a life of value during trying times. Each of the 30 chapters offers examples that demonstrate the expected goals and acquired skills in action. Despite its suggestively prurient title, Horn's book is a lively, positive guide that can be returned to time and again. A popular title for all public library collections. David R. Johnson, Fayetteville P.L., Ark.
Abused Men by Philip W. Cook
Synopsis: When most people think of domestic violence, images of battered women or abused children come to mind. But there is another side to this issue that is not as familiar--abused men. This unique book is the first to
comprehensively examine this important but neglected social issue. Already praised by a diverse spectrum of readers--from "Dear Abby's" Abigail Van Buren, to the nation's leading domestic violence researcher, to those in law enforcement and counseling--this work is sure to spark controversy and discussion. It offers gripping, emotional stories, self-help for victims, and provocative insight into public issues, and provides a basic reference source for professionals. Abused Men presents practical solutions for reducing domestic violence,
whether its victims are male or female.
The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life by Albert Ellis, Marcia Grad Powers
Reader Review: Although some people thought this book takes away from the culpability of the abuser, it was the first book on verbal abuse that helped me understand that I had to make the ultimate choice. You can't keep giving the abuser your empathy, feel sorry for YES, empathy NO, there comes a time when you need to take care of # 1 or end up in the loony bin!! That is something hard to do when you have been beaten down. I finally understood that no amount of explaining, or hoping or changing on my part would EVER make a difference. You can love this person do death, it will not make a difference. That nothing AT ALL that you are doing is causing this person to treat you this way.
That it basically comes down to realizing the abuser is responsible for their behavior, they are making the choice to behave that way and WILL NOT change. Whether consciously or subconsciously they are being disrespectful and inconsiderate and when you express your feelings they are always trying to convince you that they are not doing anything wrong and will not take any responsibility. What are your options? If you are ready and can understand that clearly, you will see that the ONLY option you have is to TOTALLY disengage.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel
Synopsis: According to therapist Engel (Partners in Recovery), "even the most loving person" is capable of emotional abuse-that is, "any nonphysical behavior designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate." In a reasoned, sensible tone, she encourages readers to become responsible for their behavior and for changing it. Identified are ten "patterns of abuse" (verbal assault, character assassination, etc.), different kinds of abusive relationships, action steps for cessation, and suggestions for recovery. Using dense writing and cogent examples, Engel clearly shows how this type of abuse, either intentional or unconscious, leads to low self-esteem and misery for one or both partners. A difficult and draining yet important read for those who suspect that their relationship has entered abusive territory, this book is highly recommended. For books on remedying less severe marital stresses, try Howard Markman and others' hokey but well-intentioned Fighting for Your Marriage.
The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel
It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Kennedy Dugan, Roger Hock, Roger R. Hock
Reader Review: This book has been very helpful to me in recovering from an abusive marriage. In fact, if you only have the money for one "recovery from abuse" book, this one is the one to get. It covers every type of abuse, even spiritual abuse, which was very relevant to my experiences in a bizarre cultic marriage in which I was beaten over the head with the Bible and told to "submit" all the time. The tone that the book is written in is wonderful. It is neither "oh, you poor pathetic baby" or "get over it, toots" but strikes exactly the right tone--empowering and empathetic but not patronizing or overbearing.
The book helps you not only analyze what happened to you and why, but gets you into the healing process. This book helped me quit beating myself up for ending up with and staying with an abuser (and having SIX children with him into the bargain), for still having feelings for my abusive husband, and for being tempted to go back. Some of the exercises at the end of the chapters were kind of silly, and I skipped them, but some were excellent. The exercise that helped me the most was the one that helped me to look back and remember why I fell in love with that chump to begin with. It WASN'T because I am brainless.
The absolute best thing about this book, in my opinion, is the final chapter. Prior to reading it, I had no idea how in the world I managed to marry an abusive control freak and was scared to death of getting hooked by another one. This chapter really helped me feel capable of choosing another partner who is not abusive. The author tells you exactly what danger signs to look for. I missed every one of them the first time, but I won't miss them again!
Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships by Judy Ford
Synopsis: With society increasingly held hostage to stress, conflict, and violence, the issue of anger is getting lots of attention. Intimate partners, families, schools, workplaces, and the media are all focusing on how to better manage this difficult emotion. In contrast to books that analyze the causes of anger or discuss the issue on a societal level, Getting Over Getting Mad provides readers with inspiration and suggestions for making positive changes in themselves and their relationships. The book's primary emphasis is on prevention, encouraging people to deal with upset, frustration, tantrums, and annoyances quickly - before these disturbances sour feelings and burn bridges. The book also gives concrete suggestions for handling anger in ongoing difficult situations, and chronicles the author's own experiences as a therapist and workshop leader.
How to Be an Assertive (Not Aggressive) Woman in Life, in Love, and on the Job by Jean Baer
Reader Review: This is an excellent book for any woman who wants to learn how to finally stand up for herself in various situations and to various people, such as asserting yourself socially, speaking up to a rude salesperson, responding to putdowns, handling and expressing anger, asking for a better table at a restaurant, asking your boss for a raise etc. While reading it I found that many of the scenarios that she had written about applied to me. There are excellent tips to apply to your everyday life, and I have incorporated most of them into mine. You can finally learn how to break out of becoming a "shrinking violet" or whatever your case may be and become an assertive and not aggressive woman.
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith
Synopsis: The bestseller that helps you say: "I just said 'no' and I don't feel guilty!" Are you letting your kids get away with murder? Are you allowing your mother-in-law to impose her will on you? Are you embarrassed by
praise or crushed by criticism? Are you having trouble coping with people? Learn the answers in When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, the bestseller with revolutionary new techniques for getting your own way.
The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships by Randy J. Paterson Ph.D.
Synopsis: This self-directed program teaches readers to speak up and say what they mean at work and at home. Written supportively, it uses proven cognitive behavioral techniques to help individuals build self-confidence, set boundaries, and determine appropriate responses.
Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes by Duke Robinson
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers
Reader Review: This is a truly wonderful book. I don't know how she did it. Conversationally speaking, did you know that the fears we carry in our pockets or purses that are not dealt with cause excruciating anxiety. What do we do? Add Vitamin B to our diet? Put crystals in our pockets? Become a yogi like me and levitate until your head hits the ceiling? OR...we could do what we fear. How about that for an idea. I think they spell that C-O-U-R-A-G-E. We don't need courage anymore. We have tranquilizers and self-help books.
I want to give you a beautiful quote from this lady's infinite wisdom (she's incredible!). PUSHING THROUGH FEAR IS LESS FRIGHTENING THAN LIVING WITH THE UNDERLYING FEAR THAT COMES FROM A FEELING OF HELPLESSNESS. This book is just beautiful. The book advocates COURAGE. But she shows you how to be courageous. Positive thinking, the understanding between pain and power, the real truth about RISKS and GROWTH.
You have to buy this book. It is a true gemstone. This book is all you need for your fears. Go ahead. And stop looking at whether you had a traumatic childhood or not as Father Bradshaw advises. You destroy the past by what you do in the future. And this book will help you do it. Good luck. And I'm not afraid of you anymore! HA!
When Misery Is Company: Ending Self-Sabotage and Misery Addiction by Anne Katherine
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1592850847/templeofwisdo-20
Synopsis: This book offers solutions to anyone who has felt victimized, ostracized, or left behind by life. Why does happiness always seem to elude certain people? And why, when these same people seem to be on the cusp of
achieving happiness, do they sabotage themselves? This is the first book about addiction to misery, a common but subtle problem that keeps many people from responding to counseling or therapy, healing from old hurts, and experiencing fulfillment and joy. For people who are addicted to misery, happiness itself is frightening and threatening. As a result, every joy must be equalized by a setback. Too much success must be balanced by failure.
People who are addicted to misery try to protect themselves against feeling bad by not feeling too good. For them, happiness itself triggers a pattern of decisions and behaviors that leads to emotional pain -- pain that is comforting in its familiarity. Because of the subtlety and contradictions of an addiction to misery, many talented therapists and counselors may not recognize it and those who have it often unable to see through it. When Misery is Company not only explains the problem, it offers a practical, step-by-step program for overcoming it, and living a life of joy and fulfillment.
Boundaries by Anne Katherine
Synopsis: Are Your Boundaries Being Violated?
Boundaries separate us from others physically and emotionally. In fact, they are essential for our mental and physical health as well as for developing healthy relationships. Yet every day, people's boundaries are violated by friends, family, or coworkers. Despite the importance of personal boundaries many [people are unaware of how or when these very important lines are crossed.
Which of the following are boundary violations?
Esther tells Betty a secret Mary told her.
Your therapist invites you to go for coffee.
Your boss wants to know the details of your personal life.
Your boss asks you if you'd like a hug.
Mom tells little Debbie about her troubles with Dad.
Your new neighbor pats you on the bottom as he turns away.
Your mother makes a comment about your being overweight.
All but one of the above incidents violate boundaries (your boss asks you if you'd like a hug). In Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Anne Katherine explains what healthy boundaries are, how to recognize if your personal boundaries are being violated, and what you can do to protect yourself. For anyone who has walked away from a conversation, a meeting, or a visit with others feeling violated and not understanding why, this is a book that can help.
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody
Synopsis: Mellody has written a lucid and informative book on a subject little understood: love addiction. Speaking both from personal experience and a clinical standpoint, she very carefully defines her terms, including "love addict," "avoidance addict," and, of course, codependence. The last term she carefully distinguishes from love addiction. She also includes information on the recovery process, the marks of a healthy relationship, and the process of entering into a healthy relationship. The book concludes with a set of journal
exercises designed to help someone in recovery. Worthwhile reading that is recommended for libraries serving both the professional and general reader.
What is love addiction?
Love addiction is any unhealthy attachment to people, euphoria, romance, or sex in an attempt to get needs met. Psychologically, love addiction is a reliance on someone external to the self in an attempt to heal past trauma, get unmet needs fulfilled, avoid fear or emotional pain, solve problems, fill our loneliness, and maintain balance. The paradox is that love addiction is an attempt to gain control of our lives, and in so doing, we go out of control by giving personal power to someone outside ourselves. Addictive love is an attempt to satisfy our developmental hunger for security, sensation, power, belonging, and meaning. Love addiction is very often associated with feelings of "never having enough" or "not being enough." None of us got everything we needed in just the way we needed it in our developmental history. We literally walk around with holes in our psyche and look for others to fill those holes.
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
Synopsis: A brilliant new guide to understanding the origins of codependence and the path to recovery by a nationally recognized authority on dependency and addiction. In this fresh new look at codependence, Pia Mellody traces the origins of this illness back to childhood, describing a whole range of emotional, spiritual, intellectual, physical, and sexual abuses. Because of these earlier experiences, codependent adults often lack the skills necessary to lead mature lives and have satisfying relationships.
Recovery from codependence comes from clearing up the toxic feelings left over from childhood and learning to re parent oneself by intervening on the adult symptoms of codependence. Central to Mellody's concept is the idea of the "precious child" that needs healing within each adult. She creates a framework for identifying codependent behavior and describes an effective approach to recovery that includes both therapy and self-help processes. Designed to be used with her new workbook for codependents, Breaking Free, this is a powerful tool for understanding the nature of codependence.
The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) by Melody Beattie
Synopsis: The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie is an excellent tool for anyone who wants to work through the painful process of ending an unhealthy relationship and to become more independent, empowered, and healthier
themselves. Melody Beattie brings you 50 cards to help remind you that each day you can ask for and accept the healing energy of God and the Universe. Remember that you are all part of, and one with, the continuous cycle of healing, and she urges you to live according to the concepts of detachment and present-moment living. Reflecting on the core issues of codependency, Melody Beattie encourages readers to trust themselves on their journey to self-care. Each meditation is filled with the personal warmth and insight Beattie brings to all of her books.
(Awesome book!) Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls (a cosmic perspective of codependence and the human condition) by Robert Burney
Reader Review: A startling and persuasive new take on the new age by a Twelve Step enthusiast. With a compelling writing style that doesn't just dance around the subject, he works with wounded souls in his private practice, repairing dysfunctional attitudes about human perfection. And his message is clear. We are not just human creatures stumbling around finding ways to earn and justify a spiritual nature. Just the opposite. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. And Burney drills home his zealous message. "We are not being punished."
He examines organized religions, scientific principles, the scourge of aids, other human conditions. And concludes that it's time we healed, purged punishment, found our spiritual purpose, and enjoyed life. He also confronts some of the new age channelers and psychics who shake fingers at those who fall to common human frailty. Readers will find a penetrating synthesis of Twelve Step Recovery, contemporary and ancient principles in his Cosmic Perspective. Burney's comments are innovative and inspiring, and may just be the answer for
so many seeking spiritual guidance. They ring of honesty, and they will cause many to ponder. This is a life-changing, life-affirming book.
*Visit Burney's website for lots of goodies from this amazing book!
When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life by Victoria Secunda
Reader Review: Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the difference between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers manipulate us and how we react, why you tend to become your mother's opposite or her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.
The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo, in which many in society refuse to accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all moms as warm, loving, "America and apple pie" types. Great pressure is put on adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do, and to accept abuse because "she's your mother." A daughter who rebels or stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even outcast from the family. "And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets protected. Or she protects herself. Or she is protected by her husband."
I found myself nodding in agreement as I related my own life testimony, as well as other testimonies I have heard in the course of my ministry, to many of the teachings in this book, especially the Bad Mommy Taboo. It is amazing just how universal and pervasive this is. People with normal mothers find it difficult to understand how it can be possible to have a destructive mother. But the strange thing is that even those with very abusive, controlling, or downright evil mothers can still be in deep denial concerning their mothers' true natures. Many continue to take the blame for an unsuccessful relationship and to expose themselves to abuse, thinking there must be something wrong with them because Mom couldn't possibly be the problem. After all, moms are loving and caring of their children, right?
Well, unfortunately for some adult children, that's not right, and understanding this and realizing what is going on is the first step toward healing. This book is very helpful in that regard, and will teach us to recognize and deal with such a mother, even if she is our own. It is also encouraging in helping us tell the truth and protect ourselves over the objections of outsiders -- which includes other family members.
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward
Synopsis: All parents fall short from time to time. But Susan Forward pulls no punches when it comes to those whose deficiencies cripple their children emotionally. Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of parental manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of self worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the frustrating relationship patterns learned at home.
Are you the child of toxic parents?
When you were a child...
Did your parents tell you that you were bad or worthless?
Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
Were you often frightened of your parents?
Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?
Now that you're an adult...
Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with your parents?
Do your parents control you with threats or guilt?
Do they manipulate you with money?
Do you feel that no matter what you do, it's never good enough for your parents?
In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.
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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
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