Tell Me More About Control!

Why do abusers & victims both appear abusive?

by Dr. Irene

One of the most difficult concepts for the abusive and the abused is
"control." The difficulty is compounded because "control" has two opposing
meanings: "Controlling" vs. "self-control."

"Controlling" refers to when people try to run other people's lives. For
example, if I tell you how to behave (even if I am "right"), I am being
controlling. Controlling people insist, persist, or make a fuss when they don't
get
their way - until they get their way.


"Self-control," on the other hand, is analogous to self-discipline. The
individual with self-discipline skills runs his or her own life, not the other
person's. If I don't like the way you behave, I let you know. I may make my
argument once or twice. Then I drop it. I have no (sane) choice but to accept
that you choose to behave in a way that I do not like. I am free to make more
choices for myself from that point on. I am free to take into consideration
the fact that I do not like your behavior.

Both abuser & abused need to stop controlling each other, and instead
control themselves.

Victims are co-dependent. These individuals attempt to achieve closeness and
unity with the person they are trying to control. They seek to bond with
other and obtain self-esteem supplies by the approval or gratitude received.
The
objective: Let me take care of you so you will love me.

Abusers are counter-codependent. These people attempt to diminish their own
pain by dictating what the other person should do - so that they (the abuser)
may feel better. This control is experienced by the victim initially caring,
and then as rejecting. The objective: It is your job to take care of me.
Don't fail.


Emotional Freedom and Self-Control

"Self-control" implies the ability (a skill) to express modulated emotion.
The disciplined individual experiences emotion, but instantaneously
(automatically) subjects the raw emotional experience to the logic of the
cerebral
cortex (the part of the brain that makes us uniquely human) prior to any verbal
and behavioral expression. The result is an expressive, yet controlled
response. Self-control skills are prerequisite in producing assertive
responses.

The individual in control has the ability to recognize and interpret their
internal affective state. They have the impulse control skills to tolerate the
discomfort of painful emotions; they hold onto the emotion until it is
"processed." They possess the concomitant ability to accurately interpret
reality
and implement sound judgment skills.

Finally, they have verbal assertion skills that reflect an underlying,
internally-based self-esteem. They know where they stand and have no need to
prove
it to or convince anyone of their position. These individuals are internally
connected to themselves. They passively listen to what their feelings convey
and impose no control over the emotional material that wells forth. What
they do control is their response.


A Dangerous Duo: Cognitive Distortion & Lack of Self-Control

The cognitive and behavioral style of both the codependent and abusive
individual differ markedly from that of the assertive individual. Both
codependent
and abusive persons blunt their emotional reactions. They control their
experience of the normal full range of emotions via denial, self-imposed rules,
and expectations, all of which are fueled by an irrational underlying
cognitive set. In other words, they distort aspects of reality.

The codependent victim mindset seeks to win approval. Approval provides a
semblance of self-esteem.

The abusive person's mindset is survival in a dangerous world. They expect
to be hurt...again. Do not mis-anticipate them! Aaarrrgggg!

When individuals with distorted underlying cognitive sets also have poor
self-control skills, watch out! Distorted cognitions coupled with poor
self-control skills are the reason that abusers and victims both appear
abusive!

Both need to challenge the distorted cognitions which fuel their negative
emotions, and both need acquire the requisite assertion & related skills to
more effectively negotiate life.



“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson


Fallen Officer Kenneth Collings
_http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html_
(http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html)






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