Tex's List for Abusive Guys
Outlined by Tex, Edited by Dr. Irene

Do You treat the woman in your life with the same courtesy, respect,
affection, admiration, empathy, and emotional support you extend to your
friends,
your coworkers, your boss?

If you find yourself speaking in a negative way to your woman, in a way you
know you would not speak to your friends (name calling, insulting, belittling,
cursing, gesturing, ignoring, etc., etc.) - STOP. Ask yourself what is
really bugging you - because its not her!

Whatever you ask for yourself from this woman, return same to her. If your
cultural or other principles demand that you live your life as you choose,
extend those expectations to her. Demand of yourself that you allow her to live
life as she chooses, even if you think she would be better off doing it your
way.

If you don't want her to invade your privacy, don't invade hers.

If you want her to respect your comfort level in things emotional and
physical, respect hers.

If she feels she has been disrespected or poorly treated, don't try to argue
your case. Simply believe her. Learn from what she has to say.

Be fair. This means you not only look at what she is doing in the
relationship, but at what you are doing. Ask yourself some hard questions.

Be consistent. For example, if racism and sexism are wrong when committed by
women, they are equally wrong when men or White, Black, Brown and Blue
people participate in racist or sexist behavior.

Don't condemn her for behavior that you would excuse in your friends. Better
yet, don't condemn anybody!

See her for who she is. Do not make her your mother or your first wife. Do
not pin all the societal sins of "women" on him. She is an individual.

Listen to what she is saying. Listen with with your heart, and not your "law
degree". Stop using being "protective" as an excuse to rule her.

Count to 10 or 100 or 1000 before you speak in anger! Sticks and stones will
break her bones, but words will kill her spirit. Few things are more
destructive to the bond of affinity and affection.

Treat sex as a sacred gift, not an entitlement.

Learn to be an emotional partner. Not a senior partner, not a junior
partner, but an equal partner. Work together for the common goals of the
relationship. Work individually to support your partner's emotional self. The
whole is
bigger than the sum of its parts.

Compliment and encourage her. Resist judgmental-speak. Again, ask yourself,
"Would I say this to my close friend?" If you wouldn't, don't say it now.

Be just. This means sometimes you won't get what you want. Sometimes she
won't get what he wants. Without justice there is no relationship.

Recognize that you have not done these things out of your intimacy fears and
distortions. You get angry when she does not give you what you think she
should. You are afraid she will push you away first. You disrespect her for
putting up with you.

The more you learn to tolerate emotional closeness without pushing-away
behavior, the more you will learn to trust and appreciate the sense of peace and
security emotional intimacy brings.




“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson



Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)







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