Mourning The Narcissist by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

3/8/01
Dr. Vaknin is author of of the informative book, Malignant Self Love -
Narcissism Revisited. He also edits various mental health categories on Open
Directory, Suite101, Go.Com and SearchEurope.com. While his doctorate is not
in
mental health, this well-informed author clearly did his homework and writes
from experience. Dr. Vaknin's CV is published here. His book, and much more,
is available in hard copy or download on his main web site.

Many thanks to "Dr. Sam" for his gracious contribution.

Dr. Irene


Question:

If the Narcissist is as abusive as you say - why do we react so badly when
he leaves?

Answer:

At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream come
true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever,
empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the
perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning,
companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.

It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with
narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realization.
The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is
that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and
interchangeable instrument (object).

The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process,
often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They
fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings - the most total form
of rejection there is.

We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our
loved ones die - we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings.
When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate the break-up), we often
feel that we have been exploited and abused in the relationship, that we are
being "dumped", that our needs and emotions are ignored. In short, we feel
objectified.

Losing the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in life. It
provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post
traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has 4 phases:
denial, rage, sadness and acceptance.

Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the narcissist is
still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with the
narcissist by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him.

Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary
narcissist into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "his"
continued "interest" in them - however threatening that "interest" is perceived
to be. These are radical denial mechanisms which border on the psychotic and
often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes.

More benign and transient forms of denial include the development of ideas
of reference. The narcissist's every move or utterance is interpreted to be
directed at the suffering person and to carry a hidden message which can be
"decoded" only by the recipient. Others deny the very narcissistic nature of the
narcissist attributing to him ignorance, mischief or vicious intentions.

This denial mechanism leads them to believe that the narcissist is really
not a narcissist but someone who is not aware of his "true" being, or someone
who enjoys mind games and to play with people's lives, or part of a dark
conspiracy to defraud and abuse gullible victims. Often the narcissist is
depicted
as obsessed or possessed - imprisoned by his "invented" condition and,
really, a nice and gentle and lovable person. At the more healthy end of the
spectrum of denial reactions is the classical denial of loss - the disbelief,
the
hope that the narcissist may return, the suspension and repression of all
information to the contrary.

Denial in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There are a few
types of rage. It can be focused and directed at the narcissist, at other
facilitators of the loss - such as the narcissist's lover, or at specific
circumstances. It can be directed at oneself - which often leads to depression,
suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some cases, suicide.

Or, it can be diffuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing and engulfing. Such
loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or osmotic and permeate the
whole emotional landscape.

Rage gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped animal, an
existentialist angst mixed with acute depression. It involves dysphoria
(inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia (inability
to
enjoy, to experience pleasure, or to find meaning in life). It is a paralyzing
sensation which slows one down and enshrouds everything in the gray veil of
randomness. It all looks meaningless and empty.

This, in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance and renewed activity. The
narcissist is gone both physically and mentally. The void left in his wake
still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still exist. But, in the whole, the
narcissist is transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life experience, a
truism and a (tedious) cliché. He is no longer omni-present and the person
entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the
relationship or as to the possibility and desirability of its renewal. The
narcissist
is gone.




“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson



Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)


Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)







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