The Female Narcissist
by Irene Matiatos, Ph.D.

"Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak
ones." - Charles Caleb Colton

Abusive behavior in men or women can be a function of many underlying
issues. Personality disorders or their milder counterparts (i.e., "traits" or
"features") are one underlying etiology. This article tries to help the reader
understand the mindset of the female with NPD or with narcissistic features.

Like her narcissistic male counterpart, this lady harbors deeply held and
undisputed irrational underlying beliefs that affect her feelings and behavior.
Most of these beliefs are never questioned and are only dimly realized, if
they are realized at all. While we all harbor irrational beliefs, those with
personality disorders harbor belief systems that are deeply embedded and
intertwined.

A Real Charmer

Dana is an extremely pretty 23-year old young lady. A delight on the
surface, she has an uncanny knack of presenting herself extremely well to the
target
audience she wants to impress. She has a corresponding almost magical
ability to make people feel verrrry good. She can WOW you! You'll be gushing (or
panting if you're a guy), and there just isn't anything you wouldn't do to
please her. She will continue to reward your good behavior as long as she
needs
you. After all, it is very hard work to be "on" so much of the time.

If she's accomplished her mission and you are no longer useful, she spends
less and less energy being perfectly charming and engaging. In most cases Dana
has no real desire to be disrespectful, but as she "relaxes," becoming more
"herself," she becomes quiet or mildly disrespectful.

A Typical Narcissist

The problem is that the only person Dana cares about is Dana. You are no
more than the object who provides her with whatever it is she wants and needs:
love, admiration, money, encouragement, support, etc. While she pretends to
care, and indeed wants to care, the reality is that she doesn't care. Her world
starts and stops with herself. She hides that fact pretty well from most
people; especially those who are consistently meaningful to her (i.e., parents,
husband, siblings, boss, etc.). Most of these individuals would be shocked to
hear this, and in fact would think you're crazy!

Dana is typical as pretty female narcissists go. She relies on her beauty
and her charm. She feels good about herself as long as she "has it over" anybody
she considers "the competition."

Few Real Friends

Parents are parents and too often love unconditionally, but friends and
acquaintances don't. As a result, while new people Dana meets like her, the more
they got to know her, the less interested they are in her company. Except, of
course, for the young men, most of whom vie for her attention.

Other than a childhood best friend with virtually non-existent self esteem,
there are no friends. There are acquaintances and those who share her
environment as well as the many men who surrounded her - all of whom she refers
to
as "friends," but there really are no friends.

She explains this deficit by rationalizing that her peers disappoint her in
one way or another. This one uses drugs, that one you can't trust, the other
one is jealous of her, etc. There is virtually no recognition that the reason
people who are not related to her or have no sexual interest in her do not
like her given how she treats them!

I'm The Best!

Dana is not content unless she feels she has it over her peers, especially
female peers. She believes she has the prettiest face, the nicest hair, and the
best figure - which she flaunts with her form-fitting, sexy, and hip
wardrobe. She is always well-dressed, even when lounging around. "Studied cool"
describes her style. While giving the impression of having thrown together any
old top and pair of jeans, the trained eye can discern the hours and hours
spent trying the outfits on, making up to appear not made up, etc.

Every asset she has, she flaunts. One weekend, invited to spend a weekend
with some new friends at their family's home in a poor section of a neighboring
town, she found reason to make a 30-mile detour to her parents' upscale,
gorgeous home - to show it off - as though announcing her supremacy. Of course,
she would never admit that's why she came home. Her reasons are always framed
in wording that casts her in a positive light such as "It's my dad's
birthday, or, "I have to pick up something important I forgot." Never an honest
reason like, "I wanted to show off the house to intimidate them."

Jealousy

Jealousy is a huge issue. Her own envy is as cut off from her consciousness
as Wisconsin is cut off from the Atlantic Ocean. While she has no clue
regarding her pervasive jealousy, it is sadly evident to the sensitive
observer.

One year Dana didn't get her cousin a Birthday present. While Stephanie
routinely bought Dana beautiful and expensive gifts, Dana couldn't say why she
didn't get Stephanie anything. When pressed, annoyed, she provided a series of
senseless answers. "I made a deal with my friends that we were not to
exchange gifts." "Did you made that arrangement with Stephanie?" "No, but I'm
not
getting any gifts. We're going to lunch. I'll pay." Not only did she not end
up paying, Stephanie paid for both Dana as well as for Dana's boyfriend!

The "problem" was that Stephanie, her peer, had gotten her life together.
Also beautiful, she found her calling and was pursing an advanced degree with
straight As - a feat Dana couldn't hope to accomplish. She also had a rich
boyfriend who adored her. You get the picture. When asked point-blank if she was
jealous of Stephanie, Dana replied too quickly and with an affected laugh,
"Jealous of Stephanie? WHAT is there to be jealous about?"

The Price She Pays

Part of the price Dana pays to manipulate others is the exhaustion required
to be "on" much of the time. When caught with her vigilant guard down, she is
not nice: often impatient, short, arrogant and condescending, reflecting her
near chronic bad mood. Shopkeepers, boyfriends who try too hard and all the
not-too-important people in her life who will put up with it are the unwitting
victims. This is subtle. For example, one day she walked into her
compulsively clean mother's house and saw a leaf on the sparkling floor by her
feet.
Instead of picking it up, she asked, "What's that?" Her mother, almost on cue,
dropped what she was doing to pick up the leaf by her daughter's feet.

The Devil in Disguise

The apparent angel is the devil in disguise.

A compulsive liar who needs to mislead to maintain her unblemished facade,
Dana is not a mean or cruel person. This young woman really wants to do the
right thing. While she derives a measure of immediate satisfaction from her
cruelty, when forced to face her behavior, she is not happy she mistreats
others. After all, a misbehavior is not in keeping with her perfect image of
herself! When reality occasionally hits her and she is confronted with her
condescending acts, she becomes upset with herself, often in tears. For a
short
time. Soon all is forgotten. Time heals or she takes solace in blaming others.
When she presents her selectively-presented view, it sounds compelling. Until
one realizes nothing ever seems to be her issue. Someone or something else is
to blame - or the entire topic is dropped. No matter how much she has vowed
to correct these behaviors, she does not. She cannot because she will not.

Why, Why, Why?

She cannot because she chooses not to face the truth about herself. She
cannot face that her nature is in fact dark and very imperfect. She cannot face
that she is no more special, no more unique, no more perfect than anybody else.
Unthinkable! What can she possibly fall back on if she were to simply enjoy
her many assets as well as accept and work around the impact of her many
deficits?

She believes special rules apply to her, and she is not willing to give
these up without a struggle. She's secretly glad others haven't figured out how
to be as special as she is. Giving up her specialness in unthinkable. It does
not feel good.

How, How, How?

Keep in mind that narcissism is a lifelong pattern developing from
childhood and believed to have a biological basis. If deception and pretense
have
provided a lifetime of comforts and esteem supplies, why mess things up? Isn't
it more satisfying to concern herself with gratification in the moment? Why
work when you can instead do just enough to get by? Better to spend that energy
cultivating one's external assets and targets. These yield immediate rewards.

After all, the only thing she compromises is herSelf, her integrity, her
relationships. All the things she has never known or understood, but thinks she
knows well.

Trustworthiness

With all these issues, the narcisstic woman (or man for that matter) cannot
be trusted. They are not trustworthy - unless they are expending energy
pretending to be trustworthy. So, at best, their trustworthyness is
inconsistent.
Like the male abuser, her moods are unpredictable. When frustrated, the
energy demands of being "on" are too great. Her frustration slips away from her
-
and spills onto anybody unfortunate enough to be in the way.

In a Nutshell

To feel whole, a woman like Dana needs to be the center of attention, be the
prettiest, the most fortunate, the most talented, the bestest. She
cultivates others who will be manipulated by her to admire her, adore her,
inflate
her, love her, and overlook her pretense, lies and half-truths.

If she is questioned, she distances. This simple yet effective technique
invariable affects the codependents in her life. On cue, they lay low and let
the issue drop or chase her, thinking they must have done something wrong/
worrying that she won't want to be with them. Should an admirer truly believe
in
her specialness and try too hard to win her, they are treated with contempt
instead of charity. These people represent that which she despises: only the
weak and common permit themselves to be demeaned.

The bottom line is that this very beautiful, very charming (and extremely
manipulative) young woman has absolutely no concern for others apart from those
who are in a position to provide her with narcissistic supplies.

Does anybody know a Dana? Even worse, have any men out there fallen in love
with a Diana? (May God help you...)




“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson



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