Having problems with message search?
What Not to Say to Abused Men
I hope the male targets here will forgive me for sending Olive's post through, but I did so because I think it can educate others on what NOT to say to abused men (especially in a forum like this which is designed to support male targets of abuse in addition to female targets of abuse). Olive's statements as excerpted below reflect the 'discounting' (the word discounting means to: "minimize the importance of") attitude many members in society have that discourages abused men from coming forth about their plight and getting help.
Olive's pervasive message when taking several paragraphs of her post as a whole (not just the excerpts below is), "Yes, men can be abused, and suffer in some ways, but we women have it worse when it comes to leaving," for instance. This is the antithesis of what therapists recommend you say when consoling abused individuals.
In fact, some of Olive's comments are no different even from one woman saying to another, "Yes, you were hit by your husband, but I'd rather be hit by my husband than be verbally abused by him for years like I was." Translation: the verbal abuse I was subjected to was worse than the physical abuse you were subjected to.
We've literally had some female members here make such statements to other female members, and it always makes me wince because the female members who were being physically battered by their partners felt as if their own trauma was being greatly diminished by such 'opinions.'
Some targets of abuse have such a deeply ingrained 'victim mentality' that, unfortunately, they tend to think they have the corner on suffering. Yet, if Olive and others truly do want "peace" for ALL targets of abuse this begins by acknowledging each individual's predicament equally. E.g., "Yes, verbal abuse hurts," "Yes, physical abuse is traumatizing," "Yes, it's hard to leave," ad infinitum - irrespective of the gender of the abused.
As opposed to 'competing' with or discounting the situations of other targets of abuse. E.g., "That's not as bad as what I've been through," "You don't know what it's like to be an abused woman," "It's harder for us women to leave than you men," ad infinitum - in particular because of the gender of the abused.
Olive wrote:
1) In my experience boys>men have been taught through example ways that they disrespect women/mothers and they continue to do it into their adult relationships.
2) We (women) are dealing with issues that men do not have to deal with when they are abused.
3) (Men) can leave if they want to.
4) Men will be able to pick the pieces up "physically" much easier.
5) Most definitely they do not have the same burdens that mothers/females do.
6) I think it is EXTREMELY important to hear a woman's problems...and that we must support each other with compassion.
Etc.
Philip W. Cook (author of Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence) writes:
"Another argument for ignoring the true nature of most domestic violence is to claim that women have a much more difficult time than men do in leaving an abusive relationship. This doesn't hold up to scrutiny either; in fact, low-income women are more likely, not less likely to leave an abusive relationship than are affluent women.
Indeed, if there are children men may be more likely to be inhibited against leaving an abusive relationship than women. Men do know one thing: their chances of getting custody of the children are not very good. Their chances of unblocked visitation with the children from a possibly vindictive and abusive spouse aren't very good either. Losing a relationship with one's own children, possibly forever, can certainly be considered as a big factor in a man staying in an abusive relationship.
Men also face another factor --ridicule and isolation. Who can they talk to about their problem?
"The cops show up, and they think it's a big joke," Tim S. explained after his live-in girlfriend hit him in the head with a frying pan, which resulted in severe bleeding and a deep cut. "I never did tell anyone [of my friends and family] about all this while it was going on, because they would assume that I had done something to her, or that I deserved it. If there had been a crisis line for men in this situation I would have called it, to find out what to do, what the options were, how to stop it."
Not having any resources to turn to for help with their situation, no victim's advocates, no crisis lines, no support groups, no media recognition, no shelters, and a pervasive attitude that supports a macho "I can handle it...I must be the strong and responsible one" kind of response, further inhibits a man from leaving an abusive relationship, or even acknowledging it.
Even if a man seeks out a therapist for help, he is likely to find none, contends counselor Michael Thomas of Seattle, Washington. "In talking with other therapists, I find that they rarely even ask questions of their male clients about the possibility of the client being abused. I think a great many clinicians are still resistant to seeing certain types of female behavior as abusive. If the client can't talk about it, it becomes internalized, and it increases the danger of the men exploding in rage themselves, getting depressed or suicidal, withdrawing from relationships, and other kinds of effects. I have also heard from female abusers who can't get help. There are very few resources out there, for either victim or abuser."
Recognition of this possibility for individuals, therapists, the news media and many helping professionals will come slowly, and even more slowly for the general public. It should come as no surprise that national surveys show a significant drop in public approval of a man slapping his wife under any circumstances, but no change at all in approval for a woman slapping her husband.
The point is not to excuse violence. It should not matter who started it, or what the provocation was. True self-defense is one matter; however, research clearly shows that in the overwhelming majority of domestic violence incidents, a direct threat to one's life is not involved. If we excuse violent acts by women by saying that they must have been provoked or were in response to violent acts by men, then that would put us in the position of accepting violent acts by men under the same circumstances. It does not reflect reality, either, as women themselves say that self-defense was not the reason for the overwhelming majority of attacks on their mates.
The solution for dealing with domestic violence on a realistic and factual basis does not necessarily mean a threat to funding for shelters or crisis lines as they currently exist. I don't believe we need a second set of funding for men's shelters. Rather, a change in attitude can accomplish the same goals. The Valley Oasis Shelter of Lancaster, California, for example, treats each call from those seeking help with dignity and respect, man or woman. It has a separate facility for men with children in need of shelter.
The Kelso, Washington Emergency Shelter also handles crisis calls from men, and has a male support worker, while not providing shelter services. There is no reason current crisis lines cannot serve both genders. A little creative thinking and configuration could provide actual shelter services for males and their children in many circumstances. These type of approaches are rare, and if a recent survey by the Detroit News in Michigan is of any guide, even crisis lines that claim to be gender-neutral and helpful to abused men in public statements, may not be in reality.
No program to combat domestic violence will be very effective, however, unless the true nature of such violence is recognized. We need to believe what women themselves report in surveys; they start a quarter of the violence, men start a quarter of the incidents, and the remaining half involve mutual violence.
Unless this fact is recognized, women seeking help for their anger problem, lesbians and gay men with partner problems, and heterosexual men who are being abused will continue to be discriminated against and told that their problem isn’t real. The facts show otherwise; their problem is real and it affects millions of people.
Attitudes can change, however, and they have even been put to the test. When the vast and respected list of research showing men and women to be equally guilty of domestic violence was shown to psychology students at California State University, Long Beach, only one-third of the men and women were unwilling to accept the findings.
It’s probably surprising that the number of students (and one would presume in the general population) unwilling to accept only a part of the research results about domestic violence when presented with it is not larger. For more than twenty years, we have been presented with only one part of the equation. Given the legal and societal history of discrimination and oppression against women in many areas, this was appropriate: it is not appropriate today.
It has become an "us" against "them" battle. The reality of domestic violence, however, tells us that it is more complex than that. Some cases can be attributed to mental illness, but most are due to family upbringing, poor self-esteem, alcohol abuse, and/or uncertain employment combined with low anger management and communication skills. Domestic violence is a human problem, not a gender problem.
If we fail to put resources and effort into dealing with the total reality of domestic violence instead of just one part of this phenomena, we only encourage a group-against-group effect which is a disservice to everyone. The sociologists tell us that domestic violence at some level affects a significant minority of British, Canadian, and US couples. It is a criminal tragedy that must be dealt with on an economic, social, legal and spiritual level, but evidence of these human events should not encourage us to declare that the family is a bankrupt construct. If we can move forward to a better understanding of the benevolent and malevolent nature of each gender, we increase the opportunity for constructive rather than destructive relationships."
Free Terri
In a message dated 5/9/2006 6:55:03 PM US Mountain Standard Time, olivelivingston@... writes:
I"m only trying to express that in my
experience boys>men have been taught through example ways that they
disrespect women/mothers and they continue to do it into their adult
relationships and that girls>women are taught through example that
they should put up with it and struggle with it because it IS
familiar, it is something deep within us that we feel we deserve and
that is what we struggle with. I don't mean to go on and I hope I'm
not confusing, it's just that the conversation is important, the
dialogue is important, at least to me and even though in the end I
have to stand alone and face my decisions, sharing about it is
supportive and comforting. It isn't easy and it is a process, so I
would only say to you in support that you are on the right track.
You know that you don't want to have this in your life, you know it
isn't healthy, now you'll have to day to day work on uncovering for
yourself why it is so difficult to remove yourself from it. It IS
true that women find themselves dependent BECAUSE women are the
human beings that bear the child, that naturally ought to be able to
do this and then even spend time nursing the child without having to
worry about working/$'s/rent/etc. But the reality is that society
does not support mothers this way. So we are dealing with issues
that men do not have to deal with when they are abused. They can
leave if they want to. Some abused men don't want to and they do
get thrown out by the abusive female partner, but it is still true
that men will be able to pick the pieces up "physically" much
easier. Maybe not emotionally, but most definitely they do not have
the same burdens that mothers/females do in that regard. I think it
is EXTREMELY important to hear a woman's problems and voice reading
sometimes between the lines and that we must support each other with
compassion, as well as yes boundaries, still educating and changing
people's perceptions and beliefs are so difficult and we must be
careful not to judge or be dismissive; we must all be heard
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people wont feel insecure around you.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
Its not just in some of us, it is in everyone." - Marianne Williamson
Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse
Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents
Offline 
Send Email