5: Tools for Handling Control Issues

What is overdependency?

Overdependency is the:

Holding on desperately to other people, places, or things to give your life
meaning and direction.

Allowing others to "do for'' you so much so that you haven't developed a
sense of personal autonomy, independence, and personal responsibility for your
own actions.

Unwillingness to let go of others so that you can get on with your own life.

Unwillingness to set out your own goals, aspirations, and dreams for your
life for fear that they won't coincide with those of the people, places, and
things on which you have become dependent.

Sense of worthlessness since the "need to be needed'' and "need to be
loved'' have gone out of control where you need the dependency of another on you
in
order to believe that your life has meaning and value.

Confusing sympathy and pity for love which is a result of feeling sorry and
compassionate for someone so much that you have smothered and coddled them
until they cannot do for themselves and have become completely dependent on
you.

Inability to take self-initiated steps to get your life into control, order,
and direction because you have overly identified and submitted yourself to
the will, power, and control of another person even if that person did not
intentionally set you up to be so dependent.

Immobilized since need for approval, fear of rejection, and feeling of
insecurity gone so out of control that you become immobilized without the
direction, support, and nurturing of the person, place, or thing on whose
approval
you have become dependent.

Directionless which is result of the lack of belief in your own competency,
skills, or abilities to handle things on your own and the fear to set out on a
course of self-direction and independence.

Irresponsibility due to lack of training in knowing what normal personal
responsibility taking is and the resultant handing over to other persons,
places, and things the responsibility to take care of you.

Feeling stuck due to fear of failure, fear of making a bad decision, and the
fear of success gone out of control until you have become immobilized and
incapable of taking care of your own life.

Clingy due to fear of abandonment and fear of loss of value to other people,
places, and things gone out of control so much so that you become
over-clingy and grasp on to any last straw to ensure your dependent relationship
is not
changed or ended.

Fear of loss of identity, making you frantic in pursuit of maintaining a
relationship with a person, place, or thing, which is in reality unhealthy for
you.

Fear of loneliness, being alone, or isolation making you desperate to hold
onto a dying relationship with a person, place, or thing, well beyond the time
that it is reasonable to do so.

Fear of being independent which is due to the fear of the negative
consequences of becoming independent keeping you weak and frail, thus needing
the
support and nurturance of those people, places, and things, on which you are
dependent.


What are the effects of overdependency?

If you continue to be overdependent in your relationships with people,
places or things, then you could:

Lose a sense of personal identity, uniqueness or independence.

Never gain personal mastery or control over your own life.

Not allow those who are dependent on you to become fully functional and
independent.

Lack the social, emotional, or physical skills to enable you to be a fully
functional human being.

Begin to become resentful of those upon whom you are dependent for keeping
you back from becoming all that you are capable of being.

Become so "smothered'' and "coddled'' that you drown in this sea of love,
concern, and support losing focus on yourself as the creation which is in your
own hands to shape and mold.

Fear the possibility of separation, abandonment, or individuation from those
upon whom you are dependent and thus sabotage all efforts to grow and heal
as a fully independent and self-confident person.

Become disabled, handicapped and incapable of caring for yourself in a
mature, healthy way.

Become sick from the toxic effects of the overdependency especially if the
dependency is on substances which have harmful effects such as alcohol, drugs,
sex, gambling, shopping, relationships, crises, etc.

Run the risk of being left by people who get healthy and no longer are
willing to be caretakers or fixers in your life.

Not only give the appearance of being helpless but begin to believe that you
are helpless and incapable of taking care of yourself and resist all efforts
to help you break the over-bondedness you have with others.

Increase your manipulation to keep those whom you are "hooked'' on to remain
hooked in the relationship with you.

Suffer from worsened low self-esteem because you are convinced of your lack
of competence to be a fully independent individual or conversely incapable of
helping others to become independent.

Run the risk of dying from negative health aspects of the overdependency on
things which are deadly.


How is overdependency a control issue?

Overdependency is a control issue because:

It is an act of transferring the "locus of control'' out of your hands into
the hands of others.

When you become too dependent on a person, place, or thing, you give it
power to control you.

It is an act of controlling others to take care of you so you don't have to
do it yourself.

By use of manipulation, conning, and other subversive control techniques,
you "hook'' people into allowing you to be dependent on them so that they can
"fix,'' save, rescue, or be a caretaker for you.

You use your "hooks'' to prevent others from detaching from you so that you
can continue to be dependent on their resources, energy, knowledge, care,
concern, and support.

You use intimidation, coercion, and threats oftentimes when you become
disgruntled because others no longer want to allow you to be dependent on them.

You have learned to use the mask of "helplessness'' to get others to allow
you to be dependent on them and they likewise get hooked on being depended on.

Your style is to seek out people whom you can control to do for you what you
need to do for yourself, so you succeed in finding "fixers,'' "caretakers,''
and "rescuers'' ready to take over your responsibility for you.

It blinds you to your own inner strength, resources, and power to take care
of yourself and lessens your belief in your own ability to maintain
self-control of your life.

It hands power and control of your life over to others whom you are willing
to rely on in order to avoid taking personal responsibility for your own life.

When it is an act of dependency on such things as alcohol, drugs, food, sex,
relationships, gambling, or shopping, it gives these things the power to
control you even to the point of willingness to risk your physical life to have
them.

When it is a compulsive dependency on a person, place, or thing, you have
become powerless to control it.

When it takes on an addictive quality, you appear to lose power and control
over it.


What irrational thinking leads to overdependency?

I could never survive without them.

I need them as much as they need me.

They would never survive without me.

I should be taking care of them since it is my responsibility, obligation
and duty.

I could never envision my life without it (thing you are dependent on).

What would I do if no one needed me?

I am afraid to let go of them since I'd be so lonely.

I'd rather be used than ignored by people.

The only meaning I have in life is to do for others.

I would have no idea what to do if I were on my own.

I am happiest when I am serving others.

They are crazy if they think I'd give up my warm, comfortable, safe state of
being cared for by others.

As long as they are offering to help me out, I'll continue to accept their
help.

I am entitled to what they do for me.

They owe it to me. After all, I am their child.

They made my life as a child so miserable it is OK that they take care of me
now as an adult.

I am afraid that I won't do or say it right so I need help to keep me
correct.

I am not dependent on anybody. I am only accepting their gifts, offers of
help, and support because it makes them feel good.

I can take care of my own life as long as I don't have to pay for food,
shelter, school, and transportation.

Accepting gifts of money and other physical support is not being overly
dependent on others.

I am not dependent on anything but I do enjoy these things a lot (e.g.,
alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.).

Being dependent is not a bad thing if it gives meaning to the lives of the
people you live with.

I'd rather be dependent on a person than on myself because I am so afraid of
being by myself.

Telling me that the person who needs to love me is me doesn't quite make it.
I don't feel complete unless someone else needs, wants, and loves me.


How you can help someone overdependent on you to become more independent

In order to help a person become independent of you, you need to follow
these steps.

First: You first need to determine if the person is in reality overdependent
on you and then identify for what the dependency is.

Financial support

Physical support

Companionship/friendship

Emotional support

Problem solving/decision making

Knowledge and insight

Skills and abilities

Sexual outlet

Affirmation, recognition, and approval

Advice, direction and information on how to live life

Something else. Name it ______________

Second: Once you have identified for what a person is overly dependent on
you, you then need to determine if you are dependent on this person needing
you.

You need to identify if you are a person who:

Needs to be needed.

Needs to be the source of financial stability in the family or workplace.

Needs to be recognized for your generosity.

Needs approval for your good deeds.

Has a martyr's role in your family, workplace, or relationship.

Loves others too much to your own detriment.

Likes to fix, correct, and make things right.

Is a compulsive caretaker.

Has a hard time "letting go'' of people in your life.

Finds it difficult to be emotionally detached when you see someone you love
getting into trouble.

Any other reason why you are a person who allows others to become overly
dependent on you. Name it _______________

Third: Once you have identified why you allow this person to become
overdependent on you, then you need to identify a healthier way to think about
the
other people in your life and your relationships with them, such as:

It is OK for people to fail.

It is better for people to become responsible for all aspects of their own
lives.

People need to be independent if they are to experience a full productive
life.

People won't initially like being cut off from their "dependency'' on you
but they will benefit from it in the long run.

It is healthier for a person to refuse your offer of help if it means they
are overcoming their dependency on you.

I am a good person and it is OK if people don't need me.

I don't have to fix, rescue or make correct anybody else but me.

I am a better person by freeing people from being dependent on me.

don't need to buy my relationships with people by all of the ways they can
become dependent on me.

I can love someone and still set them free to become who they really are.

Any other rational, reality-based, healthy ideas can be added here.

Fourth: Once you have identified new ways of thinking about the
overdependent people in your life, you then need to establish a new set of
guidelines to
help them to become more personally responsible for their own lives.

Some new strategies to help you set the guidelines are:

Strategies for Helping Others to become Independent of You

1. Natural Consequences

Letting people accept the natural consequences for their own actions so that
they can learn what is good or bad in their own actions, decisions, and
behaviors.

2. Freedom to Fail

Letting people have the freedom to fail, make mistakes, or experience
personal disasters so that they can learn from their mistakes and recognize new
strategies to prevent them on their own in the future.

3. Shared Responsibility

Letting people share with you the responsibility to do the things which in
the past you were totally responsible for. This approximates or shapes them
into the ability to be self caretakers and independent beings.

4. Win-Win Solution of Problem Solving

Rather than solving problems between two people where you are the winner and
the other is the loser or where the other wins and you lose or where you
both lose, this solution allows you both a chance to win. Overdependence is
often a result of the win-lose solution where you get your way and the other
becomes dependent on you to follow through on a solution which is not fully
self-owned or self-generated. In the long run, if you always win in solving
problems, you probably lose more since the other people choose to be dependent
on
your decisions and direction rather than think and act for themselves so as
not to cause any conflict or problem with you.

5. Compromise

In relationships the way to ensure the independence of the other person is
to reach compromises between your wants and needs and the other's wants and
needs. This ensures you both are winners in your interactions with one another
and there is less chance of dependence on one another.

6. Mutual Respect

This involves you and the other person respecting one another's competency,
skills, and abilities without undermining either's independence of thinking,
emotions, or actions. Respecting each other as deserving people creates an
atmosphere which encourages individuality.

7. Acceptance of Uniqueness

This allows the other person to be unique and different from you as a free
standing and independent being so that there is no need for the other to be
"just like you'' and vice versa. "Free to be who you are'' is a healthy
consequence of acceptance of uniqueness by one another.

8. Limit Setting

This is setting a line over which other people cannot step so as to allow
you to be free of their overdependence on you and allows them to remain free and
independent from you. Once the limits are set the other person then has the
freedom to think, feel and act uniquely with your "unconditional'' acceptance
and love.

9. Logical Consequences

When allowing another to be free to fail and experience the natural
consequences of an action is life threatening or too damaging, you can establish
a
consequence of your own which approximates or simulates the more disastrous
consequence. This is a form of setting limits for the other's behaviors which
you will or will not tolerate from them.

10. Mutual Protection of Rights

This involves the encouragement of open, honest, and assertive communication
between you and the other person to give feedback when either of you feels
your rights to be independent and free are being violated. This type of
communication is encouraged by giving the other person permission to "call you
on
it'' if you are ignoring their rights.

11. Enmeshment Elimination

When you recognize that you and the other person have become enmeshed in a
mutually dependent relationship, it is important to openly communicate your
recognition of the lack of health in this. You then need to admit openly that it
is better for you both to be independent, unique individuals who are neither
clones or enmeshed in a symbiotic, unhealthy relationship.

12. Fantasy and Myth Debunking

Often when you hold on too tightly to a dream, fantasy, or myth of the way
things are supposed to be, you control relationships too tightly and force the
other into an overly dependent relationship with you. It is important to keep
your focus in the relationship rational, realistic, and based on "what is''
rather than on "what I want or wish it to be.''

13. Elimination of Entitlement

Entitlement is the belief that you are owed something because of
circumstances of birth, rank, position, title, tradition, or status. By
de-powering the
concept of entitlement, people then need to earn on their own merits what
they are getting out of life. This eliminates the dependency which makes the
entitled person lack ambition, motivation, or drive to be independent,
successful, or accomplished.

14. Individuation

Individuation is the encouragement of people dependent on you to become
unique individuals with an accent on their own interests, values, attitudes,
skills, abilities, knowledge and competencies. This encourages each person to
become a free-standing, independent, self-sufficient, self-confident and
self-responsible individual.

15. Establishing Emotional Boundaries

Oftentimes there is a need to establish emotional boundaries between you and
other people in your life so that you can identify where you begin and end
in comparison to where they begin and end emotionally. This breaks emotional
ties which link you into overly enmeshed and overdependent emotional
relationships.

16. Disarming the "Hooks''

It is imperative to be on the watch for the "hooks'' that keep you dependent
on dependent people, such as manipulation, helplessness, threats of suicide,
self-destruction, intimidation, or con jobs. Also the people who are
dependent on you need to be encouraged to unhook the bait of money, physical
help,
companionship, wisdom, and experience, knowledge, help, aid, fixing, rescuing,
and enabling you offer them.


Fifth: Once you set guidelines for your relationships with people to help
them to become independent from you, then you need to put the new
non-controlling, independence encouraging beliefs and behaviors into practice.
Sixth: Monitor your progress. If you find others becoming overdependent on
you or you overdependent on them, then return to first step and being again.


Steps to eliminating overdependency

Step 1: In order to eliminate overdependency in your relationship, you
first need to identify where overdependency exists in your relationship. Use
the guidelines given in How you can help someone overdependent on you to become
more independent to help you with this process. In your journal do the
following.

A. List all of the people you have significant relationships with in:

Marriage.

Family.

Family of origin.

Friendship.

Work or school.

Community.

B. Identify which people:

Are overdependent on you.

You are overdependent on.

Are independently unique from you and you are independently unique from
them.

C. For all overdependent relationships, identify for what they are
overdependent on you.

D. For all relationships in which you are overdependent, identify for what
you are overdependent.

E. What are the reasons you allow these people to become overdependent on
you?

F. What are the reasons you allow yourself to become overdependent on others?

Step 2: Once you identify the scope of your overdependency, you then need to
identify healthy scripts for each person with whom you desire to change the
relationship's level of overdependency. In your journal for each person listed
as overdependent on you or you are overdependent on them, identify new
behavioral strategies to use to establish guidelines to encourage independent
thinking, emotions, and actions between you and them. Use the guidelines offered
in Strategies for helping others to become independent of You.

Step 3: Once you have written out guidelines for how you intend to relate
to each relationship listed in Step 1, then share your proposed guidelines
and work with each person to come up with a mutually agreed upon plan of
action to eliminate overdependency in your relationship.

Step 4: Implement the plan of action which could be recorded as a contract
with each person.

Step 5: Monitor your progress. If you have problems with
over­dependency, then return to Step 1 and begin again.


What is manipulation?

Manipulation is a set of behaviors whose goal is to:

Get you what you want from others even when the others are not willing
initially to give it to you.

Make it seem to others that they have come up with an idea or offer of help
on their own when in reality you have worked on them to promote this idea or
need for help for your own benefit.

Dishonestly get people to do or act in a way which they might not have
freely chosen on their own.

"Con'' people to believe what you want them to believe as true.

Get "your way'' in almost every interaction you have with people, places, or
things.

Present reality the way you want others to see it rather than the way it
"really is.''

Hide behind a "mask'' and let people see you in an acceptable way when in
reality you are actually feeling or acting in an "unacceptable'' way for these
people.

Maintain control and power over others even though they think they have the
control and power.

Make other people feel sorry for you even though it would be better for them
to make you accept your personal responsibility for your own actions.

Get away with not having to do the things necessary to meet your
obligations, responsibilities, and duties in life.

Involve everyone in your life's problems so that you do not have to face the
problems alone.

Keep everything the same so that the "status quo'' is not affected or change
d.

Make others feel guilty or responsible for actions or thoughts which are
yours alone.

Get others to feel like they are responsible for your welfare so that you do
not have to make a decision or take responsibility for anything that goes
wrong in your life.


Manipulative Behavior Inventory

Directions: If you currently use any of the following behaviors in your
relationships with people in your life, mark yes.

___ yes ___ no ( 1) Play the victim

___ yes ___ no ( 2) Play the martyr

___ yes ___ no ( 3) Act helpless

___ yes ___ no ( 4) Play stupid

___ yes ___ no ( 5) Act incompetent

___ yes ___ no ( 6) Act angry

___ yes ___ no ( 7) Throw temper tantrums

___ yes ___ no ( 8) Say "anything you want'' when you don't mean it

___ yes ___ no ( 9) Act compliant when you don't want to

___ yes ___ no (10) Lie about how you feel

___ yes ___ no (11) Act lost

___ yes ___ no (12) Act suicidal

___ yes ___ no (13) Act hopeless and pathetic

___ yes ___ no (14) Act depressed

___ yes ___ no (15) Act befuddled or confused

___ yes ___ no (16) Tell stories or fabrications

___ yes ___ no (17) Use hyperbole or exaggeration to build up problems

___ yes ___ no (18) Act as a "wedge'' between people keeping them divided
against one another

___ yes ___ no (19) Act judgmental or shame people

___ yes ___ no (20) Use guilt trips

___ yes ___ no (21) Use ridicule

___ yes ___ no (22) "Cry wolf''

___ yes ___ no (23) "Looking good'' for the other

___ yes ___ no (24) People pleasing

___ yes ___ no (25) Passive aggressiveness

___ yes ___ no (26) Act hurt or wounded

___ yes ___ no (27) Act ignored or forgotten

___ yes ___ no (28) Act unloved or uncared for

___ yes ___ no (29) Blame others for your problems

___ yes ___ no (30) Kiss up

___ yes ___ no (31) Act overly solicitous

___ yes ___ no (32) Ingratiate yourself with others

___ yes ___ no (33) Exaggerated sincerity

___ yes ___ no (34) Overly charming

___ yes ___ no (35) Act "out of it''

___ yes ___ no (36) Act "sorry'' for your bad behaviors

___ yes ___ no (37) Insincere promising of change or reformation of
behaviors

___ yes ___ no (38) Act as if you don't have value or worth

___ yes ___ no (39) Keep everybody upset to keep focus off you

___ yes ___ no (40) Keep people around you in competitive relationships


What are the negative effects of manipulation?

The negative effects of continued use of manipulation to control others are
that:

People will wake up to your "con job'' on them and be no longer willing to
support, assist, or help out when you need them.

You will become more likely to believe your own "con'' stories and fantasies
and slip into a "pre-psychotic'' state with the inability to tell the
difference between the reality and fantasy in your stories and lies.

You will get caught up in the need to continue to manipulate and con because
it is the only way people will respond to you since they won't be able to
relate to you as a "real'' or authentic person because that side of you is
rarely shown.

People will find it difficult to fully trust you in the future and they will
intentionally distance themselves from you for their own self-protection.

You run the risk of loss of a healthy "conscience'' and you will not be able
to see the wrongness of your lying, conniving and storytelling.

People will be hurt by your behaviors because they will have opened
themselves up to you by believing your "con job'' and then will be hit in the
face by
the reality of your scam on them.

You run the risk of being the recipient of others' anger, resentment,
revenge seeking, hatred, or rage when they 'wake up'' to how they have been
manipulated, used and abused.

You will use up enormous amounts of emotional energy in continuing your con
of others and have little left to care for yourself.

You will experience a greater degree of stress and anxiety as time goes on
and your con story line becomes more complex and people begin to pick apart the
falsehood and dishonesty in your story.

You will experience depression and an emptiness as you realize that all of
your success up to a point has been built like a "house of cards.''

Your low self-esteem will be exacerbated because of the lack of ability to
take pride in your hard honest work to become everything you were capable of
becoming.


How is manipulation a control issue?

Manipulation is a control issue because:

It can be a "politically savvy'' tool to handle over-controlling,
intimidating, and autocratic people, places, or things, by giving the impression
that
the others have the "power'' when in reality you are freely doing what you
need to do in order to politically survive and thus retain the "locus of
control'' in your own hands.

The goal of manipulation is to control and overpower other people to do what
you want them to do for you.

It is the unhealthy use of "power'' tactics to get something for yourself
even if it robs others of their freedom of choice, reason, and rationality.

It uses control behaviors such as suicidal gestures to blackmail people to
do and be for you the way you want them to be.

Sets up over controllers to rescue, as you get away with shifting your
responsibility for yourself off on others, you will become more helpless so will
seek out "fixers,'' "caretakers,'' and "rescuers'' to take care of you.

Hooks others since you might be an unchangeable and uncontrollable factor in
someone else's life and yet keep that person "hooked'' into trying to "be
there'' for you when it becomes unhealthy or toxic for that person to continue
to do so.

It involves dishonesty, deceit, use of masks, lack of clarity of messages
sent, and pretense in order to get people to be the way you want them to be.

It can be a subtle use of control over others since you get them to do for
you what they might not have freely chosen to do on their own will.

It is a form of mind control or brainwashing to control the thinking of
others in a way which may not be consistent with their previous pattern of
behavior, feeling or thinking.

Subversive means to get others to puppet what you lead them to do is use of
power and control which is problematic and dangerous for those manipulated.

Power position since tt places the "manipulator'' in a power position in
control of the emotions and reasoning of those being manipulated.

"Survival'' technique which allows you to retain control of your life to
ensure you that no one takes advantage of you.

Power struggle tool, since in any struggle for power and control it is a
tool'' which is used to catch the other side off guard in order to win'' the
contest.


What irrational thinking leads to use of manipulation?

If you do not keep others hooked on being involved with you, you will end up
being ignored, unaccepted, or unwanted.

Use of manipulation was the only way you have ever gotten what you needed in
life so why should you learn new ways of achieving the same end.

Use any means you need to "win'' since "winning'' is all that counts in
life.

Don't ever let others think they have the "upper hand'' on you so that they
never can take advantage of you.

It is always better to show the "perfect'' you to people than to let them
see the "real'' you.

There is a "sucker'' born every minute so if you work hard enough you can
sucker someone into taking care of all of your needs.

You can fool all of the people all of the time in order to get what you want
out of them.

You must get others deeply involved in your life's problems in order for you
to feel important, the center of attention, cared for, approved of, and
accepted.

You are most successful when you are able to "delegate'' to others what you
need to be doing for yourself.

If it works use it; worry about the consequences later.

Perception is reality, all that people are concerned about is their
perception about things not the truth or underlying reality of the real
situation.


Ways to eliminate manipulation in your relationships

In order to cease using manipulation in your relationships with others, you
can try these steps:

First: Identify what behaviors you are using in your relationships with
others in order to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do for you.

Second: Identify what issues in your life you are not wanting to accept
personal responsibility for and which lead you to manipulate others to ignore or
take care of for you.

Third: Identify your feelings about the issues in your life that you
manipulate others to address or ignore.

Fourth: Identify what irrational beliefs underlie your need to manipulate
others to take over the responsibility for the issues in your life.

Fifth: Identify what new beliefs about these issues would make you more
personally responsible and a more "authentic'' or "real'' person.

Sixth: Identify what fears block your taking personal responsibility for
these issues in your life and thus lead you to manipulate others to ignore or
take care of them for you.

Seventh: Identify new feelings about these issues which would help you to be
more realistic and more responsible as you face these issues.

Eighth: Identify new healthy, more productive coping behaviors which you can
put into practice which will help you to become more personally responsible
and less manipulative.

Ninth: Inform those people you have been manipulating to take care of you
that you are now going to take the full responsibility for these issues on your
own.

Tenth: Seek support from people in your life to assist you not to fall back
into manipulating others to ignore or to take care of these issues for you.

Eleventh: Give permission to the people in your life to "call you on it''
when you are falling back into the manipulative behaviors by which you try to
control them to take responsibility for the issues in your life.

Twelfth: When you find yourself falling back into use of manipulation,
return to the first step and start over again.


Steps to eliminating manipulation in your life

Step 1: In order to eliminate the use of manipulation in your life, you
first need to identify the behaviors you use to manipulate others to ignore or
take over responsibility for your care and your problem life issues. To identify
your manipulative behaviors, use the Manipulative Behavior Inventory in the
beginning of this chapter.

Step 2: Once you've identified the manipulative behaviors you use to get
people to do things for you to ignore your problems or to keep them off guard,
you then need to identify who are the people you manipulate. In your journal,
identify the people you manipulate.

Step 3: Why do you manipulate others? Identify in your journal the issues
present in your life which you manipulate others to address or ignore. Answer
the following questions about these issues.

A. How do you feel about each of these issues?

B. Why do you feel a need to manipulate others concerning these issues?

C. Which issues do you want others to ignore or overlook?

D. Which issues do you want others to fix or change for you?

E. Which issues do you want others to feel responsible for?

F. Which issues overwhelm you? Which issues overwhelm others?

G. Which issues depress you? Anger you?

H. Which issues do you want to run away from?

I. Which issues do you feel helpless to deal with? Hopeless to cope with?

Step 4: In your journal now identify:

A. What irrational beliefs keep you from successfully coping with each issue
identified in Step 3?

B. What new, healthy, more rational beliefs do you need in order to cope
with and handle these issues?

C. What thinking keeps you from accepting personal responsibility for your
problems and issues?

D. What new thinking do you need in order to accept personal responsibility
for your own problems and issues?

Step 5: In your journal now identify what new, healthier, more productive
behaviors you need to develop to address your problems and issues.

Step 6: Implement these new behaviors.

Step 7: Inform people of your old manipulative behaviors and give them
permission to "call you on it'' if you fall back into old manipulative ways.

Step 8: If you find yourself relapsing back into manipulative behaviors to
get people to ignore or take care of you, then return to Step 1 and begin
over again.






HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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