4: Tools for Handling Control Issues

What is detachment?

Detachment is the:

Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being
sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or
thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom
you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on
life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have
become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able
to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another
person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their
failure or faltering.

Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without
the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.

Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and
recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and
unchangeable realities of life.

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to
experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable
and rational point.

Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility
for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come
to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for
them.

Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you
"want them to be.''

Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the
past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.


What are the negative effects not detaching?

If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:

Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on you.

Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places, or
with things, which you do not really want to do.

Can become an obsessive "fix it'' who needs to fix everything you perceive
to be imperfect.

Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience
from people, places, or things.

Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the
people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control you.

Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which
control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if
you
are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.

Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these
people, places, or things project.

Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect
for people, places, or things important to you even if it means your own life
becomes unhealthy.

Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater
low self-esteem as a result.

Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if
you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place, or thing is
unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.

Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the
relationship will worsen.

Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value
or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the
unhealthy person, place, or thing.


How is detachment a control issue?

Detachment is a control issue because:

It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control'' issues in your
life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control.''

If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person,
place, or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under
your control.

The ability to "keep distance'' emotionally or physically requires
self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of
control.''

If you are not able to detach from another person, place, or thing, you
might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.

You might be mesmerized, brainwashed, or psychically in a trance when you
are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.

You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone
for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply
involved.

You might be an addicted "caretaker,'' "fixer,'' or "rescuer'' who cannot
"let go'' of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.

You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness,''
overdependency, or "hooks'' that you cannot leave them to solve their own
problems.

If you do not detach from people, places, or things, you could be so busy
trying to "control'' them that you completely divert your attention from
yourself and your own needs.

By being "selfless'' and "centered'' on other people, you are really a
controller trying to "fix'' them to meet the image of your "ideal'' for them.

Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places, and things
from which you have become detached, you will have given them the "freedom''
to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control, and
responsibility.

It allows every person, place, or thing with which you become involved to
feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent, and
autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please
you by what they become.


What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?

They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.

What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay
involved to avoid this.

You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you
reduced your involvement with them.

They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would
be a crime.

You need them as much as they need you.

You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is
the day'' you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their
needs.

They have so many problems, they need you.

Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love
and care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no way at all.

If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change
to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.

How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more
to help them.

Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You
could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much
emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.

You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you
so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?

The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for
all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.

If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship
with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems, and
troubles.

When they are in "trouble'' how can you ignore their "pleas'' for help? It
seems cruel and inhuman.

When you see people in trouble, confused, and hurting, you must always get
involved and try to help them solve the problems.

When you meet people who are "helpless,'' you must step in to give them
assistance, advice, support, and direction.

You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional, or
physical, when another is in dire need of help.

You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist
others to be happy and successful.

You can never "give too much'' when it comes to providing emotional support,
comforting, and care of those whom you love and cherish.

No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be
forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.

Tough love is a cruel, inhuman, and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with
the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when
they are in trouble since "love'' is the answer to all problems.


How to develop detachment

In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or
thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things
which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things
which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by
admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you
can
change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of
the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and
things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you
have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue
another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need
to
change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky
clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that
there
is something "wrong'' with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame
others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions,
feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you
can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick'' behaviors
and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons,
places, and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current
life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life,
label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative
impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which
impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better
the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power
to change.


Steps in developing detachment

Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places, and
things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional
detachment
in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
To do this you need to review the following types of toxic relationships and
identify in your journal if any of the people, places, or things in your life
fit any of the following twenty categories.

Types of Toxic Relationships

( 1) You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.

( 2) The other is emotionally unavailable to you.

( 3) Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.

( 4) Punitive or abusive to you.

( 5) Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.

( 6) Smothering you.

( 7) Other is overly dependent on you.

( 8) You are overly dependent on the other.

( 9) Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.

(10) Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer, or enabler.


(11) Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you
to let go.

(12) Other appears helpless, lost, and out of control.

(13) Other is self-destructive or suicidal.

(14) Other has an addictive disease.

(15) Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.

(16) When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go
and detaching.

(17) Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other
will come around and change to be what you want.

(18) Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for
control.

(19) Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all
past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.

(20) Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.

Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places, and things you have a
toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work
through the following steps.

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which
prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with
healthy, more rational ones.

Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your
physical, emotional, and spiritual health is being threatened by the
relationship.

Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place, or thing
is "sick", dysfunctional, or irrational and that no matter what you say, do,
or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that
there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others
are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will
be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places, or things over
to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.

Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go
and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from
guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks'' in the relationship.

Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves'' healthy,
wholesome, health engendering relationships in your life. You are a GOOD PERSON
and
deserve healthy relationships, at home, work, and in the community.

Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional
enmeshment with these relationships.

Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue
to let go and detach.

Step 10: Continue to give no person, place, or thing the power to affect or
impact your feelings about yourself.

Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and
self-healing as this poem implies.

"Letting Go''

To "let go'' does not mean to stop caring.

It means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go'' is not to cut myself off.

It's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go'' is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go'' is to admit powerlessness

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.

It's to make the most of myself.

To "let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go'' is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go'' is not to be protective.

It's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires

but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To "let go'' is to not regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.

Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and
begin all over again.


What is unconditional love and acceptance?

To love and accept other people unconditionally is:

Placing no conditions on the other as to how to behave or what to be in
order to receive acceptance and love from you.

No use if...then...clauses in establishing conditions for accepting and
loving another.

Taking a risk to be open and vulnerable with another with no pre-set limits
on the relationship.

"Existence" as sole rationale is to accept and love other people for the
fact that they exist rather than for what they are.

Value others for themselves rather than for what they do or have done.

No strings attached to hold people in an esteemed position with acceptance
and love because they exist in your world rather than for what they do for you.

Freedom to be own person is to

Self-esteem enhancing is to set the stage for others to feel warmth, caring,
and concern for themselves which results in their growing in self-esteem and
self-worth.


How do you feel when you receive unconditional love and acceptance?

When you are the recipient of unconditional acceptance and love from others,
you feel:

Free to be yourself.

You have value and worth.

Wanted and desired for you as you rather than for what you do.

Listened to and understood.

That you have yourself to offer others which in itself is worthwhile.

Warmth, cared for, and nurtured.

You are OK just the way you are.

That there is no need to wear a mask or to act in any way just to please
another.

Free to be yourself and to open up your feelings with no fear of rejection
or non-approval.

That it is possible to take the risk to be vulnerable with others in order
to have open and honest relationships with them.

No fear of retribution or reprisal from others if you should make a mistake
or experience a failure.

That there are no conditions set on your relationships with others.


What are the negative consequences of a lack of unconditional love and
acceptance?

When people are not given unconditional acceptance and love, then they:

Feel constrained to act in ways which are inconsistent with their beliefs
and feelings.

Lack the freedom to be themselves.

Live their lives to please others rather than to please themselves.

Are not given the freedom to experience the natural consequences of their
own actions and decisions.

Can become dependent on others to make them feel good about themselves.

Can become very rule bound and perfectionistic in seeking to do what is
"right'' or "expected'' of them in order to be accepted or loved.

Are more likely to experience low self-esteem and low self-worth.

Feel misunderstood, not approved of, and defensive.

Have poor relationship skills and experience failed relationships.

Work harder at meeting conditions and expectations set for them by others
than working at becoming self-directed, self-sufficient, and self-reliant.

Can become withdrawn and isolate themselves so as not to experience future
rejection and non-approval.

Confuse the need to follow rules and obey directions as the only way to be
accepted and loved by others.

Believe that they can never fail or make a mistake because they would never
be worthy of love or acceptance from others.

Do not learn how to accept and love themselves unconditionally and therefore
are very self-critical, self-disapproving and self-punitive.

Tend to set unrealistic, no-achievable, and overly idealistic expectations
for themselves which must first be met in order to accept and love themselves.

Become their own worst critics who are never able to unconditionally accept
and love themselves.


How is giving others unconditional love and acceptance a control issue?

Giving others conditional acceptance and love is a control issue because:

Internal "locus of control'' is strengthened for the others in your life who
receive unconditional love and acceptance..

It is controlling and manipulative to set conditions which must be met
before you fully accept and love others is controlling, manipulative, and, at
times, coercive.

Encourages overdependence since it is a way to keep others "in line'' and
dependent on meeting preset standards in order to be accepted and loved.

Impacts personal development if a pattern of thinking or believing is
developed on the basis of the need to meet conditions before one can be accepted
and loved and this irrational, unhealthy thinking can lead to self-hatred,
perfectionism, and self-criticism which controls one's way of managing and
directing life.

Impacts personal self-mastery when acceptance and love are freely given with
no conditions, no strings, or if...then...clauses, then others have a
greater chance of loving themselves and practicing self-control in pursuit of
wellness and happiness.

Impact personal goal directedness when rules, conditions, and expectations
are set as the only way to be accepted or loved, the recipient of this
contingent love and acceptance may be more caught up in the goal of meeting
these
conditions than in living freely, relaxing, and enjoying life guilt-free.

Can induce guilt since guilt is often a way a person, place or thing can be
manipulated and, if love and acceptance are conditional, then not meeting
these conditions can lead to guilt.

Can exacerbate the need for approval which is often a result of conditional
acceptance and love. In order to feel approval, a person can be a ready
victim for manipulation, a con job, or intimidation.

Position of power in that it puts you into a position of power to influence
how the other feels and responds to self.

Increase vulnerability of others if they are nurture-needy, wanting
acceptance and love from others, it places them in a vulnerable position to be
manipulated, coerced, intimidated, abused, and hurt.

Attracts unhealthy partners because often people telegraph nonverbally their
dependent need for acceptance and love and as a result attract people to
them who will use, abuse, and take advantage of them.


Healthy alternatives to the irrational thinking about unconditional love and
acceptance

Irrational: You should always obey rules, accept limits, and meet another's
expectations and conditions before you can expect that other to accept and
love you.

Healthy: Following rules, accepting limits, and meeting expectations and
conditions are often necessary for survival in this world but are not necessary
conditions to be accepted and loved by others.

Irrational: Parents should require their children to obey their rules,
accepting limits set, and meet up to the expectations and conditions set for
them
before the parents show acceptance and love for the children.

Healthy: Parents first need to accept and love the child because the child
exists. Only once the child feels this acceptance and love will the child more
likely obey the rules, accept limits, and meet the expectations in a healthy
way.

Irrational: The goal in life is to scope out the "rules of the games'' in
the workplace, school, family, community, and relationships so as to gain
acceptance and love by playing the games by the rules.

Healthy: It is politically healthy to scope out the rules of the games so as
to "survive'' in the workplace, school, family, community, and relationships
but such survival does not always guarantee acceptance and love. Home,
workplace, school, family, the community, and relationships can be too sick or
toxic to offer acceptance or love even after all of the "rules'' of the game
have been followed. In such cases, you need to look outside of these
environments for the unconditional acceptance and love you need to feel healthy,
fulfilled, and fully human.

Irrational: If you want people to do things for you, all you need to do is
to offer them unconditional acceptance and love.

Healthy: Using unconditional acceptance and love to get others "to do'' for
you is manipulation and conning others to benefit yourself. It is a toxic
behavior.

Irrational: There is no such thing as unconditional acceptance and love.
There are always strings attached somewhere.

Healthy: It is possible to accept and love a person unconditionally with no
ulterior motive.

Irrational: It is impossible to discipline a child and still accept and love
the child unconditionally.

Healthy: It is possible to not like a child's behavior and actions and
develop logical consequences or disciplinary actions which the child must abide
by
and still love and accept the child unconditionally as seen in the statement,
"I accept and love you unconditionally. It's just your behaviors which I
don't like right now and it is because I love you that I am making you
experience the negative consequence of your own actions.''

Irrational: You must be perfect in everything you do or others will not
accept or love you.

Healthy: You are a human being subject to faults, failings, and mistakes and
yet you are deserving to be accepted and loved not because you are perfect
but because you are you.

Irrational: It is impossible to unconditionally accept and love another
person.

Healthy: To accept and love another person unconditionally is possible as
long as you give yourself the freedom, risk-taking behaviors and trust to
extricate or emotionally detach from the relationship if it becomes toxic.

Irrational: It is impossible to accept and love another and at the same time
be emotionally detached.

Healthy: By being emotionally detached you do not automatically cease your
acceptance and love of another. It only means that you are separating yourself
from the toxic elements of the relationship so as not to get hurt.

Irrational: It is good for children to experience all of the negative
conditions of life in their relationships in order to grow up realistic about
themselves and the world.

Healthy: The words of the poem Children Learn What They Live by an unknown
author state clearly that it is healthier for children to experience
unconditional positive acceptance and love if they are to grow up into healthy,
self-loving people.


Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism,

he learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,

he learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule,

he learns to feel shy.

If a child lives with shame,

he learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance,

he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement,

he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise,

he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness,

he learns justice.

If a child lives with security,

he learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval,

he learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

he learns to find love in the world.


How to begin to unconditionally accept and love other people

In order to unconditionally accept and love yourself and others you need to:

First: Identify what are the conditions which you force others to meet
before you are accepting and loving of them.

Second: Analyze these conditions and expectations which you set for others
in order to identify why they block you from being unconditional.

Third: Analyze if these conditions are reasonable, rational, or realistic
and develop healthy alternative scripts which free you up to be more
unconditional with others.

Fourth: Recognize that the limits and rules of appropriate behaviors which
you expect others to conform to are rules for survival, decency, getting along,
coping, productivity, sense, and order but are not the determinants of
freely accepting and loving them.

Fifth:

Sixth: Practice eliminating any conditions as you face others and attempt to
accept and love them freely, generously, and with no limitations.

Seventh:

Eighth:

Ninth: Emphasize with others that it is because you love and accept them so
entirely and freely that you want them to experience the positive or negative
consequences of their own actions and that such consequences do not affect
your acceptance or love of them.

Tenth: Clarify that "tough love'' is the continuous unconditional acceptance
and love of others but yet holds the target of such love to be fully
personally responsible for their own actions and the consequences of those
actions.

Eleventh: Use the following words of Frederick S. Perls as you enter into or
alter relationships with others to make them unconditionally accepting and
loving.

I do my thing and you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,

and you are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you and I am I

and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.


Steps to increase in unconditional acceptance and love of self and others

Step 1: Read the following poem and in your journal respond to the questions
which follow the poem.

Unconditionally Me

by Jim Messina

I am who I am

You cannot change me so please do not try

So let up with the criticisms, put downs and attempts to make me fit your
"box" for me

Face it, it is easier for you just to accept me as I am than to work at
making me who you want me to be

Of course you do not have to agree with what I say or do

Just accept me as the human I am

I am weak, have sinned, failed, and have made many mistakes in my life

Hey, that's what makes me the "unique me" that I am

I will never be perfect, ideal, or the "image" you want for me

Accept me for who I am as I accept you for who you are

Let's have fun together and allow our "real selves" the freedom to be "us"

We can be a team of unconditional mutual love and acceptance if you relax
and let it happen

How well do you unconditionally love and accept the following people in your
life

Family members?

Colleagues at work or school?

Friends?

Support network?

Work or school site?

Community?

Temple, Synagogue, Church?

People who offer you help?

For each of the people you listed above answer the following in your journal:

1. What are the conditions placed on them before you can accept and love
them?

2. Why are these conditions blocks to your freely accepting and loving them?

3. Are these conditions reasonable, rational, or realistic? If not, then
develop alternative scripts to free you up to accept and love these people

4. What are the rules or limits for survival, decency, getting along,
coping, productivity, and sense and order which have become confused as the
determinant conditions preventing you from unconditionally accepting and loving
these people?

5. How does your need to fix, rescue, or change others interfere with your
unconditional love of these people?

6. How would emotional detachment from all of these people help you to then
accept and love them more unconditionally?

7. How is your current conditional acceptance and love of these people
affected by their ways of conditionally accepting and loving you?

8. How well do these people allow you to be you? How well do you allow them
to be themselves?

9. How free are you and they to openly express feelings, admit faults and
failings, and to experience excitement and enjoyment in life with each other?

Step 2: Once you have made a thorough assessment of how well you
unconditionally accept and love others, then you need to recognize that to
increase in
unconditional acceptance and love of others opens you and the others to be
vulnerable by taking risks, as John Wood so clearly points out in this poem.
Once you read the poem, answer in your journal the questions which follow it.

Taking a Risk

I will present you parts of myself slowly.

If you are patient and tender, I will open drawers that mostly stay closed,
and bring out places and people and things, sounds and smells, love and
frustrations, hopes and sadness.

Bits and pieces of life that have been grabbed off in chunks and found lying
in my hands they have eaten their way into my heart altogether, you or I
will never see them.

-They are me-

If you regard them lightly, deny that they are important, or worse C judge
them. I will quietly Y slowly Y begin to wrap them up in small pieces of
velvet, like worn silver and gold jewelry, tuck them away in a small wooden
chest
of drawers and close them away.

A. How do the following fears or behaviors block your ability to
unconditionally accept and love the people you listed in Step 1?

Fear of taking a risk

Inability to trust others

Insecurity

Fear of being vulnerable

Fear of failure

Need for approval

Fear of rejection

Inability to identify feelings

Inability to forgive and forget

Inability to establish intimacy

B. How does perfectionism and the need to be exact, right, or correct hinder
your ability to be unconditional in your acceptance and love of others?

C. How would an increase in faith and development of your spirituality with
your Higher Power assist you to be more unconditional?

D. How would emotionally detaching from the toxic elements in your
relationships with others free you up to be more unconditional?

E. What are those things you would lose if you unconditionally accepted and
loved the others listed in Step 1? What would you gain or recapture?

F. What new beliefs and behaviors do you need to develop in order to be able
to unconditionally accept others?

G. How would you practice "Tough Love'' for each one listed in Step 1 and
how would this new approach free you up to be more unconditional in your
acceptance and love for them?

H. What are the blocks which up to now kept you from allowing the people
listed to experience the natural consequences of their own actions?

I. How did your need to protect these people from making a mistake or
experiencing a failure prevent you from freely accepting and loving them?

J. How comfortable are you now with each person listed to begin to be more
unconditional with your acceptance and love?

Step 3: Once you have looked at the blocks to being unconditional in your
acceptance and love of self and others, then begin to practice this new behavior
with those people listed in Step 1.

Step 4: If you are still experiencing difficulty in being unconditional in
your acceptance and love others, then return to Step 1 and begin again.


Off the Internet

Three Men

Slightly Cracked, but ...ok!

Three Men

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards
sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said, "I don't think
I
know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."

"Is the man of the house home?", they asked. "No," she said. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in," they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!" The woman went out and invited the
men in. "We do not go into a House together," they replied. "Why is that?"
she wanted to know.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one
of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am
Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us
you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was
overjoyed. "How nice!!," he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth.
Let him come and fill our home with wealth!" His wife disagreed. "My dear, why
don't we invite Success?" Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other
corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be
better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"

"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love?
Please come in and be our guest." Love got up and started walking toward the
house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked
Wealth
and Success: "I only invited Love, why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the
other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever he
goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!

Up

Slightly Cracked but...ok!

Don't worry about knowing people, just make yourself worth knowing.

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the
answer.

If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.

True friends have hearts that beat as one.

If you cannot think of any nice things to say about your friends, then you
have the wrong friends.

Make friends before you need them.

If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?

A good friend is one who neither looks down on you nor keeps up with you.

Be friendly with the folks you know. If it weren't for them you would be a
total stranger.

A friend is never known till he is needed.

Friendship is a responsibility...not an opportunity.

Friendship is the cement that holds the world together.

Friends are those who speak to you after others quit.

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his
tongue.

Pick your friends, but not to pieces.

A friend is one who puts his finger on a fault without rubbing it in.

The way to have friends is to be willing to lose some arguments.

If a friend makes a mistake, don't rub it in....rub it out.

Deal with other's faults as gently as if they were your own.

People are judged by the company they keep and the company they keep away
from.

A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing your shine.

The best mirror is an old friend.

The best possession one may have is a true friend.

Make friendship a habit, and you will always have friends.

You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults.

Doing nothing for your friends results in having no friends to do for.

Anyone can give advice, and yet a real friend will lend a helping hand.

You can make more friends by being interested in them than trying to have
them be interested in you.

A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you
forget it.

A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

You can buy friendship with friendship, but never with dollars.

True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare; false friends are like
autumn leaves, found everywhere.

A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly
cracked.








HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]