Some Causes of Codependency


A Definition of Codependency

(a) "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior
affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior"
(Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, p. 31);

(b) "Codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or
things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by
controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent,
control, or the lack of it, is central to every aspect of life. When it comes
to
people, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other
person that the sense of self -- personal identity -- is severely restricted,
crowded out by that other person's identity and problems" (Love is a Choice, by
Hemfelt, Minirth, and Meier, p. 11);

(c) "Codependency is the condition when your love tanks are running on
empty" (Ibid., p. 38);

(d) "Codependency is a pattern of painful dependency on compulsive behaviors
and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and
identity" (Definition used at the first national conference on codependency in
1989, Bobgan, p. 17).


Some Causes of Codependency

What causes a person to become codependent and what are the effects of this
"illness" on the life of the codependent? Minirth and Meier claim the causes
of codependency are: "unmet emotional needs, lost childhood, and the
compulsion to fix the dysfunctional family" (Ibid., p. 15). While these
"causes" are
interrelated, we will nevertheless take them one at a time:

Unmet Emotional Needs: The theory is that we each have a reservoir for love
(or love tank) inside us. If our love tank has not been filled by the
"significant others" in our lives, we will not have our emotional needs met; we
will, therefore, become a codependent (see Ibid., p. 33ff).This is especially
true of children.

Lost Childhood: Children lose their childhood through abuse, usually by
parents or parental figures. Active abuse, such as incest, physical abuse, or
even excessive anger on a parent's part is the most recognized form of abuse --
abuse that we must not deny or minimize. However, the codependency gurus tell
us of more subtle forms of abuse that apparently leave similar scars on a
child's life. Minirth and Meier inform us of the following forms of abuse,
often not recognized: one parent who is preoccupied and unavailable to a child
emotionally; a child who is not constantly praised; lack of touching and hugging
in the family; parents not being at peace (with one another) sexually;
parents who demand "too much"; parents depending too much on their children; a
parent who is too rigid; etc. (Ibid., pp. 52-62).

The Compulsion to Fix the Dysfunctional Family: Minirth and Meier tell us:
"We all possess a primal need to recreate the familiar, the original family
situation, even if the familiar, the situation, is destructive and painful"
(Ibid., p. 65). Why would anyone want to recreate a painful situation? Because
we are compelled by our unconscious minds that actually control (we are told)
eighty percent of our decisions (apparently without our conscious knowledge;
Ibid., p. 65). But why would we "unconsciously" choose to put ourselves
through such pain? Consider the following three reasons given by followers of
codependency:

(a) We believe that if the original situation can be drummed back into
existence, this time around we can fix it. We can cure the pain. We know we
can!
The codependent possesses a powerful need to go back and fix what was wrong;
he must cure the original pain.

(b) We believe that we were responsible for the rotten original family;
therefore, we must be punished -- we deserve pain. Codependents may actually be
hooked on misery.

(c) We believe that there is that yearning for the familiar and the secure.
Even if the past was painful, at least it was home.

John Bradshaw, popular author and TV codependent guru, lays the blame on the
Biblical teaching that everyone is born in a condition of sin. He contends
that such teaching produces a "shame-based" personality destined to become an
addict. He says: "Many religious denominations teach a concept of man as
wretched and stained with original sin ... With original sin you're beat before
you start" (Healing the Shame That Binds You, p. 64).


The Effects of Codependency

We are being told that it is very difficult to discern whether the behavior
of a codependent was caused by his "illness," or the "illness" was caused by
his behavior. At any rate, Melody Beattie groups the problems of codependent
people around the following categories: caretaking, low self-worth,
repression, obsession, controlling, denial, dependency, poor communication, weak
boundaries, lack of trust, anger, sex problems, miscellaneous, and progressive
(Codependent No More, pp. 37-45). Minirth and Meier blame addictions and
compulsions on codependency.


The Cure

In order to recover from codependency, codependents must enter a Twelve-Step
program specifically designed for them: Codependents Anonymous is one such
program, which is almost identical to Alcoholics Anonymous, with only minor
changes in the steps (see the Gilley report on 12-Step Recovery Programs).
Another option is to enter a clinic such as the Minirth-Meier New Life Clinic or
a Rapha Hospital Treatment Center, and go through their similar programs.

As a summation, the adherents of codependency would say: "Codependents carry
distorted messages about their own sense of worth and such messages
originate in dysfunctional families. Those messages must be erased through
regressive
therapy and replaced with positive, self-enhancing messages" (Bobgan, p. 46).








HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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