Codependency Q and A

What is codependency? What's the definition?
How do I know if I’m codependent?
Isn’t everyone codependent?
Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
Melody Beattie writes that codependency is unique in that recovery can be
fun and liberating. What does she mean?
How can counseling help?

A "no" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "yes"
merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

-Mahatma Gandhi


What is codependency? What's the definition?

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The
original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and
behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A
number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which
describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed
during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive,
*compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family
which
is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs
met.

*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will
or conscious desires in which to behave.

*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic
mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse;
emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in
relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable,
or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything
within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting
themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries,
the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely
to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course
creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get
involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the
problems continue into each new relationship.


How do I know if I’m codependent?

Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you
tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re
able to recognize you don’t play as much as others, or other people point out
you could be more playful. Things like this can indicate you’re codependent.


What are some of the symptoms?

controlling behavior
distrust
perfectionism
avoidance of feelings
intimacy problems
caretaking behavior
hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger)
physical illness related to stress
back to top of questions


Isn’t everyone codependent?

There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that
look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes.
There is perhaps a continuum of codependency, that most people might fall
on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be
assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can’t say
though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably don’t feel fulfilled
because of other things going on in the system at large.

Anne Wilson Schaef believes the whole society is addicted; the object of
addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up
to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc.

If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From
this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be
codependent. But it still doesn’t change that we’re not getting what we
need and we’re
not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled
and feel better about myself and the life I’m living?


Why do we become codependent? What causes it?

It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems
(families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system
(usually
parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as
alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.

General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:

It’s not okay to talk about problems
Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two
others; known in therapy as triangulation
Be strong, good, right, perfect
Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
Don’t be selfish
Do as I say not as I do
It’s not okay to play or be playful
Don’t rock the boat.
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family.
These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development
of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop
non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and
reactions to
situations in adult life


Melody Beattie writes that codependency is unique in that recovery can be
fun and liberating. What does she mean?

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.

--Beverly Sills

Oftentimes, a part of being codependent is a resistance to being able to
HAVE FUN AND PLAY! ;) So part of recovery from codependency is learning how to
let go and have fun. Therefore it’s bound to be liberating, and fun as we
learn how to let go and play.


How can counseling help?

For people with codependency, individual counseling can teach assertiveness,
listening, and communication. Counseling can help you become more aware of
non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new, healthier
coping skills.

In the case of codependency though, counseling only helps if the counselor
is aware of their own tendency towards codependence, or if the counselor has
some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counselors, in the
case of codependency, need to present good boundary setting and healthy
living themselves during sessions with clients. If a counselor develops a
working
relationship with a client that has codependent qualities, again, the
pattern is repeated, and therapy may not be as helpful. Some statistics show
50-80%
of counselors have not addressed their own codependency issues. So one must
be careful in choosing a counselor for this kind of support.

There are also self-help groups for codependency, called CODA groups. More
information is available through local alcoholism services. If you can’t find
a CODA group, there’s also ACA (adult children of alcoholics groups) that
deal with similar issues CODA groups might deal with.




HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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