7: (Conclusion) Tools for Handling Control Issues

What are survival behaviors?

Survival behaviors are:

Those behaviors you needed to exhibit in order to survive in an abusive,
neglecting or ignoring environment in your family of origin, marriage, work, or
school setting.

The walls or barriers which you have built between you and others so that
you will never be hurt again like you were in the past.

Your pulled-in feelings which you are no longer willing to share with others
lest they take advantage of your vulnerability.

The closing off of your vulnerable side for fear of being hurt again.

The insecurity and lack of trust you exhibit to others who reach out to show
interest or concern to you.

Your lack of tolerance and apparent lack of empathy for the feelings of
people who have their own problems and are in pain. This is especially true if
you think their problems compared to your past ones are trivial or less severe.

The competitive way in which you deal with people always looking out for
"who is the winner or loser'' in each human transaction you encounter.

The coldness and disengagement you display as you describe your problems
from your past.

The often hostile, negativistic, sarcastic, and cynical attitude you hold
towards life.

The often bitter, acrid, and biting comments you make about aspects of your
life.

The often uncontrollable anger, rage, and hatred that you exude as you
speak of past hurts.

Your unwillingness to consider that there might be more viable options for
you to cope with life than your "tried and proven'' self-defensive model.

Your defensive and "closed in'' attitude when others suggest to you a
constructive criticism over something you have said or done.

Your inability to warm up to people and your shy and retiring ways whenever
you are in a new social situation.

Your fear of speaking up in a group of people lest they not accept or
approve of you.

Your desire to be invisible so as not to be hurt or abused in any way.

Your guardedness and watchfulness in your interactions with people lest they
get to know too much about you for fear they take advantage of you with that
information.


Survival behavior self-assessment

Survival Behaviors Inventory

Directions: For each survival behavior, rate your level of exhibiting it in
your life. Use the following rating scale.

1 = Never

2 = Rarely

3 = Sometimes

4 = Frequently

5 = Almost always

1 2 3 4 5 ( 1) Refusal to grow up - This is a pattern in which you
think, feel, or act in a way that lets others know you have no intention to
"grow up'' to think, feel, or act like an adult.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 2) Authority figure conflict - This is a pattern of
thinking, feeling, or acting which places you in direct conflict with the
authority
figures in your life. This often results in your jumping from job to job

1 2 3 4 5 ( 3) Unapproachability - This is a pattern of behaviors
which is often unintentional and is based on your shyness and aloofness with
others. This is a perception which others have of you and as a result they
avoid
contact or involvement with you. They often perceive you to be arrogant,
"better than thou,'' or "together'' when in fact you are just the opposite.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 4) Shyness and aloofness - This is a pattern of behaviors
which reflects your fear of involvement with others. Others perceive you as
being distant and non-communicative. It reflects your fear of rejection and
non-approval.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 5) Chip on your shoulder - This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting which reflects your "tough guy'' approach of challenging
others to take the first move to try to get the chip off your shoulder. This
is a reflection of your unresolved past hurt and pain and tends to put off
new people.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 6) Need for nurturance - This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting which reflects the deficit of parental male or female
nurturance in your life. It often results in your intentional or unintentional
compulsive or addictive searching for male or female affection, attention, or
approval in your life.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 7) Addictive relationships - This is a pattern of your
developing relationships with others in which you lose your ability to control
or temper your thinking, feeling, or acting to the point where you are
obsessed and lose yourself in the other.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 8) Enmeshment of relationships - This is a pattern in your
relationships where you "cling on'' so that there is an overBbondedness
between you and the other. You hold on tightly so as to ensure that no outside
influence intrudes to upset the balance you have created.

1 2 3 4 5 ( 9) Loss of emotional boundaries - This is a pattern in
your relationships in which you and the other become unable to differentiate
feelings, attitudes, and beliefs from one another. If one hurts or is in pain,
the other is hurt and in pain. This over identification is a way to try to
ensure bonds of loyalty, trust, and fidelity.

1 2 3 4 5 (10) Lack of emotional empathy - This is a pattern of
thinking, feeling, and acting based on the inability to be open to the feelings
of
others so as to prevent your getting involved with them at an emotional level.
This is a way to protect yourself from being vulnerable to being hurt in
relationships if you get too close

1 2 3 4 5 (11) Inability to be intimate - This is a pattern of
thinking, feeling, and acting which prevents you from getting emotionally close
to
others. This is a method to protect yourself from the hurt and pain if the
relationship should end in a negative way.

1 2 3 4 5 (12) Icebox behaviors - This is a pattern of acting which
freezes others out of emotional involvement with you. This is a way in which
you
keep others from getting too close to you lest if they know you too well
they could hurt you as you have been hurt in the past. Other names for this
are:
Ice Woman, Ice Man, Freezer, Refrigerator, Ice Cube, Icicle, or Cold.

1 2 3 4 5 (13) Lack of commitment - This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, or acting by which you never commit to anything so as to prevent
yourself from being entangled or tied into anything in which you might fail or
be
hurt.

1 2 3 4 5 (14) Antagonism - This is a pattern of negativistic thinking,
feeling, and acting which reflects your self-protectiveness from real or
perceived threats to you. This is a hostile pattern which puts others off and
maintains emotional and physical distance between you and them.

1 2 3 4 5 (15) Defensiveness - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling,
and acting by which you are always "on guard'' from real or perceived threats
to you. This on guard attitude protects you from "being wronged,'' "hurt,''
"unwanted,'' or "unloved.'' It reflects the "I knew it wouldn't work out
anyway'' attitude in which you enter into relationships with other people,
places, and things.

1 2 3 4 5 (16) Indecisiveness - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling,
and acting which prevents you from ever being "tied down'' to a decision
lest the decision be a wrong one. This prevents you from being hurt by a
mistake
but it keeps you stuck from making progress in your life.

1 2 3 4 5 (17) Irresponsibility - This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting in which you try to accept as little responsibility for
yourself or others as you can. This results in your never having to be
accountable
for anything which may go wrong or fail in your life. Never wanting to be
"answerable'' for anything keeps you functioning in an irresponsible way.

1 2 3 4 5 (18) Out of touch with reality - This is a pattern of
thinking, feeling, or acting which allows you to deny the reality of past
hurts,
injustices, or pain which you have experienced. This denial of reality is based
on the belief that if you admitted reality for what it was you would go
insane from the shame, pain, misery, suffering, horror, rage, anger, and shock
you
would experience from facing it the way it was. This being out of touch,
however, keeps you from progressing along in your current life due to the
amount
of "unfinished business'' you avoid by denying and being out of touch.

1 2 3 4 5 (19) Lack of conscience - This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting by which you never allow yourself to be bothered by
anything
negative you have done to yourself or others. This is often a result of your
inability to face the harm you've done to others. Since you feel you have
been so badly treated in the past, you have a hard time admitting you have or
are doing the same to others.

1 2 3 4 5 (20) Denial of feelings - This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting by which you do not admit to having any positive or
negative
feelings about your past or current life. This is a way to protect yourself
from pain, hurt, shame, and upset. But it also keeps you from experiencing the
enjoyment, pleasure, and satisfaction of the positive aspects of your life.
This makes it difficult for others to relate to you since they can't get a
clear picture of who you are by "pinning you down'' on how you feel towards
them or anything else in your life.

1 2 3 4 5 (21) Invisibility - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling,
or acting by which your goal is not to be seen, heard, or attended to by
others so that they not focus any negative actions or behaviors your way. This
is
to protect you from future real or perceived hurt, pain, or abuse by others.

1 2 3 4 5 (22) Self-medicating behaviors - This is a pattern of
behaviors by which you medicate or anesthetize the pain, hurt, shame,
suffering, or
emptiness you have experienced in your life. This includes alcohol or drug
abuse, sexual addiction, compulsive overeating, shopping, or gambling, etc.
This pattern can accelerate to habitual or addictive levels if allowed to go
unchecked and then creates new problems for you.

1 2 3 4 5 (23) Inability to trust - This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting by which you do not allow yourself to trust anyone in your
life. This lack of trust prevents you from making the mistake of becoming
vulnerable with another lest the other hurt, abuse, or take advantage of you
like
others have done to you in the past.

1 2 3 4 5 (24) Playing it safe - This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, and acting by which you "play it safe'' lest you take a risk and be
hurt,
abused, or taken advantage of by others. This also prevents you from making a
mistake or failing in decisions or actions in life. "Playing it safe'' keeps
you secure in a cocoon sheltered from the hazards and risks of life.

1 2 3 4 5 (25) Self containment - This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, or acting by which you try to convince yourself and others that you
don't
need anyone else in your life but you. This keeps you from seeking or asking
for help from others so as not to be let down if they don't respond. "I know
I can do it on my own'' attitude keeps you from being open to the support,
advice, and assistance of helpers in your life. This pattern feeds on itself
and can lead to exacerbation of your sense of isolation, abandonment, and
loneliness.

1 2 3 4 5 (26) Mask wearing - This is a pattern of behaviors to hide
from others your true feelings. This helps you to keep others in the dark as to
how you are actually reacting to people, places, or things. By masking
feelings you prevent real or imagined abuse, rejection, non-approval, or
condemnation from those who would be offended by your honest assessment,
reaction, or
judgment.

1 2 3 4 5 (27) Running away - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling,
and acting by which you run away to avoid having to face any hurt, pain,
abuse, suffering, anxiety, stress, or tension. Running away either in your head
or
in reality helps you to avoid confronting the unpleasant realities of your
life.

1 2 3 4 5 (28) Lying - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling, and
acting by which you hide the truth from others so as to avoid real or perceived
abuse, hurt, or conflict. Lying or omitting the truth of details is a way to
cover up anything which you believe could cause trouble for you with others.

1 2 3 4 5 (29) Overreaction - This is a pattern of thinking, feeling,
or acting by which you blow things out of proportion to keep people concerned,
confused, and upset. Overreaction is a way by which you gain attention for
yourself when ordinary means fail. It is a way to ensure that you are not
forgotten or ignored.

1 2 3 4 5 (30) Escape into fantasy - This is a pattern of thinking,
feeling, or acting by which you avoid the unpleasantness of your present
circumstances by fantasizing how it could be. Flight into fantasy gives you
momentary relief from the stress, anxiety, or tension of the hurtful, abusive,
neglectful, punitive, shameful, negating reality you are experiencing at the
time.

_____ TOTAL SCORE


To determine your level of survivorship, add the circled ratings to get a
total score. Then use the following scale and interpretation.

TOTAL SCALE INTERPRETATION

30-60 Lowest level of survivorship You rarely use survival behaviors and
probably do not need to work on tempering survival behaviors. To be safe, work
on all behaviors you rated 3 or higher.

61-90 Mild level of survivorship You sometimes resort to the use of survival
behaviors. It is important for you to work on all the behaviors you rated 3
or higher.

91-120 Moderate level of survivorship You frequently utilize survival
behaviors in your relationships with others. In order to improve these
relationships, you need to concentrate efforts on modifying all behaviors you
rated 3 or
higher.

121-150 Severe level of survivorship You are bogging down your ability to
relate to others through an overuse of survival behaviors. You will need to
address all behaviors listed in this inventory rated 3 or higher.


What are the negative effects of survival behaviors?

If you continue to display survival behaviors, you could:

Find it difficult to attract people to you because of your coolness,
aloofness, or biting hostility.

Be rejected by people who have reached out to you in care, concern, and
support whom you have turned off by your distancing tactics and behavioral
barriers.

Become an embittered, lonely recluse who is cut off from everyone who once
had shown you care, concern and support.

Be so well hidden by your "guard-all'' shield that no one ever breaks
through the "real'' you so you become more isolated and ignored.

Arouse other people's anger, animosity, rage, or scorn by your sarcastic,
bitter, cynical sense of humor and outlook on life.

Drive people away from you by your constant challenging and testing of their
loyalty, sincerity, and credibility when they show the slightest interest,
concern, or support for you.

Become so self-centered that you are incapable of being open to hear or
understand others' hurts, pain, or suffering and can be perceived as a
"scrooge,'' "cynic,'' or "shrew.''

Confuse people who are honestly interested in getting close to you by the
mixed messages of 'approach/avoidance'' you send out by using words of an
"approach'' nature but displaying behaviors of an "avoidance'' nature.

Get into trouble with authority figures because of your lack of trust or
respect and because you challenge their knowledge, competence, and abilities by
outshining them in your own productivity, talents, and achievements.

Be so committed to "making it'' through material success and accumulation
that you never achieve a satisfying set of healthy adult human relationships.

Become so focused on the belief that you must always be on guard that you
gain a full-blown paranoid outlook on life.

Experience worse low self-esteem because you are never capable of getting
the support, acceptance, and positive reinforcement from others you need.

Never grow up into a mature, healthy adult.

Be so invisible that you are chronically ignored by the people in your life.


How are survival behaviors a control issue?

Survival behaviors are control issues because:

They are an attempt to keep the "locus of control'' in your hands.

They have been the way in which you have exercised your right to control
your own destiny in life so as to avoid being hurt or subject to more pain or
harm.

You seek to control situations in which you might be vulnerable by blocking
out others from getting to know who you really are.

You refuse to hand over any power to anyone else so that they are never
given a chance to attempt to do to you what was done to you in the past which
resulted in your being abused, mistreated, hurt, or harmed.

You tightly control your feelings by holding them in behind your "barrier''
so that no one can get intimate with you.

People are often intimidated, offended, or put off by your behaviors and
tend to see you as arrogant, standoffish, hostile, or belligerent.

They never allow anyone who comes in contact with you the chance to get to
really know you nor to have any power or control over you.

With the mask of these behaviors no one can see if you feel helpless,
powerless, or out of control in any situation with any person, place, or thing.

They are used as a weapon to fight off any manipulation, fixing, or
caretaking by others.

They are a set of behaviors of overcontrol of your thinking, feeling, or
acting which results in your being closed in, pulled in, and appearing
"nonfeeling.''

You have used these behaviors to save yourself in overcontrolled,
intimidating, or coercive environments or situations in the past.

They ensure you the ability to control other persons, places, or things in
your current environment so that you alone are the determinant of what you do
or don't get involved with in the future.

With these behaviors you have a power and control armory to call upon when
anyone is "getting too close'' to you and you feel the need to "put them off''
so that they will "back away'' and give you enough "space'' to feel
comfortable, relaxed, and less defensive.


What irrational thinking contributes to survival behaviors?

It worked well in the past for my survival so I'll use it now in the
present.

It's my turn to get even.

No one will ever hurt me again.

I don't know what normal is so why try?

I have too much to lose to let my guard down.

If it works for me, why try anything different?

They must all be crazy to be bothered by that.

I know more than they do so why should I listen to them?

I don't care if he is my boss. I know what I'm doing around here.

I see no need to grow up since being an adult is so boring.

I'll reject them before they reject me.

I've been ignored so much that there is no way I am going to try anymore.

Why does it have to be me who takes care of me; why can't others do it for
me?

Just once I'd like someone to take care of me.

They'll all let me down so why try?

Just try to be nice to me and I'll bite off your head.

Don't use your phony "caring, loving'' behaviors with me. I don't need it.

No matter what you do for me it will never make up for my past so why try?

They'll never accept me fully so why should I try to let them know me?

If they know too much about me, they could really hurt me later on.

No matter what I do, I am never appreciated around here.

As good as I do, I never feel it is "good enough'' for them.

I'd rather not be seen and/or heard around here. You get along better that
way


How you can temper survival behaviors

In order to temper survival behaviors, you can follow these steps.

First: You first need to identify if your current behaviors fit any of the
survival descriptions in Survival behavior self-assessment above

Second: Once you identify which survival behaviors you are currently engaged
in, you then need to identify what are the negative consequences of these
behaviors so as to motivate yourself to change them.

Third: Once motivated to change them, you need to identify the unhealthy
thinking and feeling which lies at the root of the behaviors.

Fourth: Then you need to identify new, healthier alternative ways of
thinking and feeling to help you change.

Fifth: You now are ready to identify new, alternative healthy replacement
behaviors.

Sixth: Implement the new, healthier behaviors.

Seventh: Monitor your progress with the new behaviors and seek feedback from
others if you are relapsing into old "survival modes.''

Eighth: If you find yourself falling back into use of old survival behavior
patterns, return to the first step and begin again.


Steps to tempering survival behaviors

Step 1: Use the Survival behavior self-assessment to identify if you are
exhibiting any of these behaviors in your life.

If you ranked mild, moderate or severe levels of survivorship, continue on
to Step 2 to temper these survival behaviors.

Step 2: Now that you know you have a problem with survival behaviors, answer
the following questions in your journal.

A. How do these behaviors affect your ability to make and sustain healthy
relationships with others?

B. What is the feedback you get from others concerning your attitudes and
behaviors classified as survival behaviors?

C. How could your life be more productive if you ceased overuse of survival
behaviors?

D. How has your work or school life suffered due to these behaviors?

E. How has your family and/or married life suffered due to these behaviors?

F. Who in your life did you lose as a result of these behaviors?

G. How many close friends do you have? What is the reason for the small
number? How do these behaviors explain the small numbers?

H. What is the general cause of relationship failure in your life? How do
these behaviors contribute to these failures?

I. How do you generally react to others when they display survival
behaviors to you? What do you think and how do you feel when these behaviors
come
your way?

J. How committed are you to tempering the survival behaviors you rated 3
or higher on the inventory?

Step 3: Once you are committed to tempering your survival behaviors, then
for each behavior rated 3 or higher do the following in your journal.

A. Identify the unhealthy, irrational, and non-reality-based thinking and
feeling which is behind your exhibiting this behavior.

B. Identify new, healthy, rational, and reality based thinking and feeling
which can help you to change this behavior.

C. Identify a new, healthier behavior to replace this old, non-healthy
survival behavior.

Step 4: Once you have identified new, healthier behaviors to replace the old
survival behaviors, then begin to put them into place one at a time. Don't
try to change all of them at one time. The job is too great to do all at once.


Step 5: Give permission to people in your life to "call you on it'' when you
resort to the old survival behaviors.

Step 6: If you find you are relapsing back to the survivorship model of
behaviors, then return to Step 1 and begin again.


What is self-control?

Self-control is a set of behaviors which:

Accepts the reality that the only thing in life which you can successfully
change and control is yourself.

Keeps in check all self-destructive, addictive, obsessive, compulsive,
irrational, and unacceptable behaviors.

Gives you a sense of personal mastery, autonomy, and competency over your
own life.

Is under your control and power to direct and orchestrate with no need for
interference or manipulation from others.

Makes you the master of your own destiny because it keeps in check those
barriers and obstacles which are a threat to your overall success in life.

Is a middle ground between perfectionism and laxity in self care.

Results in your life having a balance and focus by helping you to cope with
new challenges in life as they come.

Helps you to keep your over-emotional responses in check or moderation.

Helps you to open yourself up from nonfeeling or pulled-in emotions so that
you can have a healthy emotional life.

Is the foundation for healthy coping and contributes to your accepting
personal responsibility for your life.

Keeps your life in moderation, helping you to avoid extremes in any
direction.

Is the focus of the efforts to let go of the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in your life so that you can concentrate on yourself.

Eliminates the need for you to be manipulative, helpless, fixing others,
intimidating, overdependent or a caretaker of others.

Helps you to be detached from others and to keep your relationships in a
healthy balance of give and take.

Reflects your inner desire to grow up into a mature, responsible adult.


What are the negative effects of not maintaining self-control?

If you cannot gain self-control in your life, you could:

Focus all your attention on trying to control, fix, or rescue other persons,
places, and things and divert your attention from your own needs.

Suffer the negative impact of your out of control behaviors such as
alcoholism, chemical dependency, overeating, compulsive sex, addictive
relationships,
compulsive shopping, gambling, smoking, etc.

Become deeply depressed and despondent over your weakness and inability to
get your life into "check'' or 'balance.''

Prefer to be overly dependent on other helpers, caretakers, fixers, and
rescuers to give your life the control it needs.

Fall prey to an overly perfectionistic and idealistic belief system in which
no matter how well you get things in order you see them as being imperfect
and not good enough.

Lose control over the emotional boundaries you need to maintain from
becoming over enmeshed or controlled by others.

Become lost as to where you begin and end and where others in your life
begin and end in relationship to you.

Find yourself responding to situations in your life either in an overly
emotional and hysterical way or in a withdrawn, pulled-in and non-emotive way,
with neither response being healthy or appropriate at the time.

Find it impossible to become detached from people, places, or things who are
toxic or unhealthy for you.

Find yourself in a state of powerlessness to effect changes to get your life
into moderation or balance.

Fall into the trap of learned helplessness and convince yourself that you
are not capable of taking care of yourself and thus allow your life to get more
and more out of control.

Seek out caretakers, fixers, or rescuers to help you solve your own problems
and get your life under control.

End up convinced that there is no way you can get your life into balance
because the amount of work, effort, energy, and resources needed are too great
an investment just for you when there are so many other people, places, and
things on which you could better focus attention.

Experience even lower self-esteem because of your inability to believe
enough in your worth and value to take action to get your life into control.


How is self-control a control issue?

Self-control is a control issue because it is:

Keeping the "locus of control'' internal and removes the "locus of control''
from the externals in your life.

Giving to yourself the power and control to have an impact on your personal
destiny and fortunes.

Ensuring your focusing on what in life you have the ability to change and
control, namely yourself.

Not allowing yourself to fall into the trap of using manipulation or
helplessness to get others to come to your rescue to fix or care for you.

Not needing a "fixer'' or "caretaker'' to help you determine your own
future.

Not allowing survival behaviors to get in your way of reaching out for
support, intimacy, and vulnerability from others in your life.

Exercising moderation in your emotional reaction to life so that you are
neither overcontrolled or undercontrolled in the expression of your feelings.

Accepting responsibility for your own actions, feelings, thoughts, and life
and giving power to yourself to accept the consequences for all of these.

The lack of needing anyone else to "fix,'' "rescue'' or be a caretaker for
you in order for you to be successful in your life.

Being aware of people who are trying to control or exert power over you and
you take the steps to change this.

The exercising of your control and power over those things, people, or
places to which you have a compulsive or addictive attraction so as to put them
into a moderate or abstaining relationship with you.

The realistic and rational exercise of power and control in your life.


What irrational thinking leads you to not exercise self-control?

There is no sense in trying to gain control over this, since I'm going to
fail at it anyway.

There is no way I will ever be able to gain control over my behaviors.

I'd rather have others do it for me.

I prefer to have others monitor my behaviors and make me suffer negative
consequences when I falter.

If I no longer need them in my life to assist me gain control of myself,
then they no longer will be interested in me.

If I become too independent and in control, I'll be unappealing to them.

I've never been parented in a healthy way and it's my turn now to get
parented.

I'm never going to grow up; it's too boring.

I'm young yet so why do I need to act old?

They'll just have to put up with me the way I am.

I was like this before you met me and you knew who I was then, so don't try
to change me now.

I feel overwhelmed by all the responsibilities involved in being an adult.

If they want me to change, then they'll have to work hard to make this
happen.

I like myself just the way I am.

There is too much to change so why try?

Why do I always have to do it for myself? Why can't others, just once, do it
for me?

It's so much easier to know what others need to do for themselves than it is
for yourself.

I've never had any luck in the past in controlling these behaviors so why
should I expect to do better now?

I hate trying to take charge of my life. It is always so tough and I never
feel good when I do it.

Loneliness is the major result of self-control and it keeps me from working
harder on self growth.

I'd rather be "sick'' than lonely.

All this "centering on self'' stuff is absurd and nobody I know really does
it so why should I?

I'm so addicted I could never change.

If you can't be 100% successful in changing, then why try in the first
place?

I hate myself so much for being weak, how could I ever make it straight?

Giving up my old behaviors would change me so much that nobody would ever
like me.

I can't live with it but I can't live without it.

My anxiety and frustration get worse when I try to control myself.

I enjoy what I'm doing. Why stop now when I'm having fun?

No one is going to tell me what I have to do with my life.


How you can develop self-control

In order to develop self-control you need to take the following steps.

First: You first need to identify in what areas of your life you need to
gain more self-control. Review the following life arenas and identify any issues
you may need to take control of.

Life Arenas Control Issue Checklist

A. Personal life

___ (1) Balanced diet

___ (2) Unconditional acceptance and love of self

___ (3) Self-esteem recovery

___ (4)Compulsive and/or addictive behaviors

___ (a) Eating

___ (b) Shopping

___ (c) Cleaning

___ (d) Alcohol

___ (e) Drugs

___ (f) Gambling

___ (g) Sex

___ (h) Smoking (nicotine)

___ (i) Relationships

___ (j) Sugar

___ (k) Crisis oriented activity

___ (l) Excessive activity

___ (m) Body image

___ (n) Exercise

___ (o) Obsessive behaviors

B. Relationships with fixers, helpers, caretakers, and enablers

___ (1) Overdependency on others

___ (2) Manipulation of others

___ (3) Helplessness

___ (4) Over enmeshment

___ (5) Lack of emotional boundaries

___ (6) Overuse of survival behaviors

C. Relationships with needy people

___ (1) Need to fix

___ (2) Use of intimidation

___ (3) Powerlessness to control them

___ (4) Dealing with threat of suicide

___ (5) Over idealism

___ (6) Need to be a caretaker

___ (7) Unconditional acceptance and love of others

___ (8) Establishing emotional boundaries

___ (9) Handling anger or resentment

D. Work/school life

___ (1) Time management

___ (2) Stress management

___ (3) Workaholism

___ (4) Fear of success

___ (5) Assertiveness

___ (6) Self-image as worker and/or student

___ (7) Self recognition of accomplishments

___ (8) Handling perfectionism

E. Community life

___ (1) Need for support system

___ (2) Involvement with others

___ (3) Participation in clubs and activities

___ (4) Recreational and leisure participation

___ (5) Participation in an organized religion

___ (6) Handling competition

___ (7) Handling leadership


Second: Once you have identified the various issues in which you need to
develop more self-control, then you need to identify which emotions tend to
lead you to be more out of control with these issues. Use the list of emotions
and feelings clusters to identify for each issue out of control which
emotions or feelings tend to exacerbate the loss of control.

Emotions which lead to being out of control

Emotion Feeling cluster
Boredom listless, unoccupied, restless, uneasy, a need for novelty, change,
or excitement

Anger rage, hate, cheated, infuriated, spiteful, mean, mad, or envious
Guilt ashamed, miserable, remorse, blamed, distraught, or pain

Depression left out, ugly, empty, powerless, victimized, suffering,
useless, low, sad, helpless, discouraged, or troubled

Anxiety overstressed, out of control, nervous, overwhelmed, uneasy, tense,
pressured, panicked, troubled, confused, or shocked

Loneliness unwanted, unappreciated, left out, ignored, unloved, alone,
hurt, neglected, ugly, or rejected

Fear afraid, tense, anxious, nervous, weak, worried, skeptical, frightened,
threatened, panicked

Excitability eager, driven, energetic, capable, turned on, enthusiastic,
motivated, or clever

Comfort proud, refreshed, appreciated, satisfied, accomplished, useful,
respected, content, confident, full, calm, or relaxed

Happiness good, nice, glad, loved, pleased, wanted, wonderful, delighted,
or beautiful


Third: Once you have identified what feelings and emotions tend to
exacerbate your loss of control, next identify what irrational beliefs lead to
increased loss of control in each of these issues.

Fourth: Then you need to identify new, rational, reality based, healthy
thinking which will lead to your gaining control over these issues. Some
self-affirmations are:

I can gain control over this.

I am capable of controlling myself.

I will take control of my behaviors.

I can succeed in containing my compulsive/addictive behaviors.

I am able to take one behavior at a time and keep it under control.

It took a long time for me to become this way and it will take time to get
it under control.

I am a human being and not a perfect being so if I relapse and lose control
it is OK as long as I get back on the wagon again.

I can be rational, realistic, and healthy in my thinking, emotions, and
actions.

Changing old behaviors takes effort, time, and a motivation to change and I
am willing to give all three of these to gain control of my life.

I am a capable, lovable person who deserves to let go of the uncontrolled
ways of my past so that I can grow, flourish, and be successful in my attempts
to gain control in my life.

I am the one person in my life whom I can control and change and I choose to
do so.

There isn't any thought, feeling, or behavior of mine I can't gain control
over.

I will make time for the work to develop my self-control.

I will be a healthier person once I focus my efforts onto control of myself.

Between handing over to my Higher Power the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in my life and developing emotional detachment from the toxic
relationships
in my life, I will grow in self-control.

I will cease using manipulation, helplessness, and overreaction with the
people I am overdependent on.

I will establish healthy, emotional boundaries between me and the people in
my life.

I will cease trying to fix, rescue, enable, correct, or change the people in
my life.

I will gain emotional support for myself when my emotional state is
contributing to my behaviors getting out of control.

I will work at moderating my thinking, emotions and behaviors so that I am
able to have a balance in my life.

Step 5: Once you have identified healthy self-talk to help you through this
time of gaining self-control, then you need to identify positive actions or
behaviors which will assist you to develop self-control in your life. Such
behaviors or actions are:

Stress reduction and relaxation work.

Self hypnosis.

Time management, planning, and scheduling.

An aerobic exercise program five to seven times a week.

A balanced diet.

Thought stopping.

Anger workout

Spirituality formation and enhancement.

Motivation enhancement exercises.

Development of an emotional support system.

Joining a self help group (AA, NA, GA, SEA, etc.).

Altering relationships with people, places, and things.

Creative problem solving.

Reading self help books.

Using the Tools for Coping Series books.

Keeping a personal journal.

Changing patterns or routines of daily life.

Self-affirmations work.

Inner child healing work.

Use of rational and realistic thinking.

Sublimating the urge to drink, eat, smoke, use drugs, have sex, shop,
gamble, or some other self-medicating behavior by handing it over to your Higher
Power

Development of goals and objectives to be met on a daily, weekly, monthly,
yearly schedule with self monitoring of their achievement and refinement.

Permission to support system to "call you on it'' when you revert to old
patterns of thinking, feeling, or behaving.

Avoiding settings which arouse negative emotions.

Diverting your attention from the old patterns of desires, temptations, or
urges.

Talking out feelings with a support person

Watching out for HALT situations which could lead to a relapse of out of
control behaviors if I am feeling out of sorts and too:

H - Hungry

A - Angry

L - Lonely

T - Tired

Sixth: Once you have identified the set of healthy actions which assist the
development of self-control, then develop a plan of action for each issue
which is out of control for you.

Seventh: Once your plans of action are developed, implement them one at a
time, taking one issue at a time to get under control. To decide which issues to
take first, prioritize the issues using the following scale.

Highest Priority This issue is so out of control that your life is in
danger.

High Priority This issue is so out of control that your physical and mental
health are in peril.

Average Priority This issue is out of control and it affects your thinking
and emotions so that you get compulsive or obsessive with it.

Slight Priority This issue is out of control but it presents no current
threat to my life, health, or actions.

Eighth: Once you have prioritized the issues to be worked on, then begin to
implement the plans of action to get them under your control.

Ninth: If after a time you find that you are still out of control, then
return to first step and begin again.


Steps to developing self-control

Step 1: In order to develop self-control in your life, you need to identify
in your journal what issues in your life arenas are out of control for you.
Use the Life Arenas Control Issue Checklist in this Chapter to help you. As
you identify the issues out of control for you, answer the following questions
in your journal.

A. What are the compulsive behaviors over which you need to develop more
self-control? Why are these a problem for you? Which could be classified as
addictive? Habit? Bad behavioral trait? Old pattern of acting?

B. How does your body or self-image contribute to your being out of control?


C. How does your obsessive tendency affect your self-control?

D. How in control are your efforts at working on your recovery from low
self-esteem?

E. Who are the fixers, enablers, helpers, and caretakers, and rescuers in
your life? How out of control are your relationships with them? What control
mechanisms do you use to keep them "hooked'' into caring for you?

F. Who are the "needy'' people in your life? What control mechanisms do you
use to fix, save, change, or rescue them? How out of control are these
efforts?

G. How in control of yourself are you on the job or at school? What are your
behaviors which are out of control there?

H. How in control are you in your community life? How obsessive or
compulsive are you in your outside interests, clubs, church, or hobbies?

I. How does your being from a dysfunctional family explain why so much of
your life is out of your control at present?

J. How does your current inactive relationship with your Higher Power
reflect how out of control your life has become? How would getting a more active
relationship with your Higher Power assist you to develop self-control?

Step 2: Once you have assessed the state of your being out of control, then
identify in your journal what emotions make you most vulnerable to being out
of control on each issue listed in Step 1. Use the Emotions which lead to
being out of control in this chapter to help you identify the emotions which
make
you vulnerable to being out of control..

Step 3: Once you have identified the emotions which help keep you out of
control, then identify in your journal the thinking that contributes to your
lack of self-control.

Step 4: Identify in your journal new self-talk which would encourage your
efforts at developing self-control.

Step 5: Once new self-talk is identified, then proceed to identify in your
journal behavioral strategies for gaining control over each issue identified in
Step 1. Use this outline to help you identify your plan of action.

Self-Control Action Planning Outline

Issue out of control Emotions which to lack of control with this issue Old
thinking which keeps me out of control with this issue New Self-talk on this
issue New behavioral strategy to use with this issue

Step 6: Develop an action plan in your journal for each out of control issue
in your life

Step 7: Decide which issues are the highest priority needing your attention
and record this in your journal.

Step 8: Implement your plans of action for your priority issues first. Then
proceed with the other issues identified in Step 1 until they all have been
addressed.

Step 9: If you are still thinking, feeling, or behaving out of control, then
return to Step 1 and begin all over again.


THE END.







HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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