Codependence Comes from Pain...

Codependency: A Family Perspective

By unknown author

Edited by DR Irene

Codependence is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family
members in order to survive in a family experiencing great emotional pain.
In most cases alcoholism, chemical dependency, or other addictive disease is
at the source of the family pain. Codependent behaviors are a set of coping
behaviors that are passed from generation to generation--whether or not
addiction is present--in order to survive.
Although the original alcoholic/addicted person may have been a
great-grandparent, family members across the next three or four generations
learn a set
of behaviors which help them deal with the emotional pain inherited from the
original dysfunctional family unit. These behaviors, although designed to
relieve pain, create pain! They constitute a deeply embedded "cognitive set"
upon
which codependency or dependency disorders are founded. Whether or not
addiction existed in our nuclear family, codependency is a deeply rooted
compulsive behavior that is born out of a dysfunctional family system.
Individual
family members may or may not develop addictions.
Symptoms of codependency (or dependency) disorders include: perfectionism,
workaholism, procrastination, compulsive overeating, compulsive gambling,
compulsive buying, compulsive lying, compulsive talking, compulsive sex,
dependent relationships, over-possessive relationships. Other dependency
disorders
can revolve around acquiring status, prestige, material possessions, power or
control over family members, co-workers, friends, authority figures, etc.
People suffering from drug- or alcohol-related codependency disorders often
experience themselves as being caught up in a treadmill existence. Whether or
not
goals are achieved there is a driven compulsion for more. An anxious feeling
of incompleteness or emptiness remains no matter what is accomplished.
Health problems may also exist: migraine headaches, gastrointestinal
disturbances, colitis, ulcers, high blood pressure, and many other high
stress-related physical illnesses. Stress related illness is not "only in your
head." It
is stress-induced physical alteration of the body. It is real. Emotional
problems such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, and hyperactivity may also be
evident in codependent individuals. These disorders have a physical basis. They
are chemical imbalances in the brain. In other words, our cognitive/emotional
state impacts upon our physical being. We are a holistic mind-body system.
Codependent individuals experienced a traumatically empty childhood. Their
present-day relationships are empty. They attempt to use others, their mates,
friends, and children, as their source of identity, self-esteem, value and
well being in an attempt to restore childhood emotional losses. Most
codependent individuals are unaware that they are doing so. Having constructed
a more
idyllic existence, many codependent individuals are completely unaware that
their childhood was troubled!
The following are statements portray relationally addictive people:
We come from a dysfunctional home in which our emotional needs were not met.

Having received little real nurturing ourselves, we try to vicariously fill
this unmet need by becoming a caregiver, especially toward people who appear
needy.
Because we were never able to change our parents into the warm, loving care
takers we longed for, we respond deeply to the emotionally unavailable person
whom we find familiar and whom we try to change (to give us what we need)
through our love.
Terrified of abandonment, we will do anything to hold on to a relationship
and avoid painful abandonment feelings. We first experienced these feelings
while living with people who were never there emotionally for us. Most often,
we were not aware that we were not getting what we needed!
Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive
if it will "help" the person we are involved with. Our thoughts are
other-oriented rather than self-oriented.
Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, we are willing to
wait, hope and try harder to please.
We are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt
and blame in any relationship.
Our self-esteem is critically low. Deep inside we do not believe we deserve
to be happy. Rather, we believe we must earn the right to enjoy life. We
forget that we were all created equal and by the same maker.
Having experienced little security in childhood, we have a desperate need to
control people, outcomes, and relationships. We mask our efforts to control
people and situations as "being helpful."
In a relationship we are more in touch with our dream of how it could be
rather than with the reality of how it is. We don't want to hear the little
voice inside that tells us what is!
We are addicted to a person, people, and/or to emotional pain. This is not
because we enjoy pain, but it is familiar; we understand it; it is all we
know.
We may be emotionally and/or biochemically predisposed to addictions to
substances, food, gambling, sex, etc.
Drawn to people with problems or to chaotic, uncertain, or emotionally
painful situations, we avoid focusing on our responsibility to ourselves: to
become all of the potential we were given!
Since we have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, it is easier to be
concerned with others rather than with ourselves. This prevents us from
looking at our ourselves. We give away our personal power!
We may tend toward episodes of depression and/or anxiety. We try to
forestall these episodes through the excitement of an emotionally unstable
relationship or through addictive behaviors.
We are not attracted to a person who is kind, stable, reliable, and
interested in us. We find "nice" people boring or unattractive.
We "stuff" our feelings and have lost the ability to identify or express
what we feel.
We tend to become isolated from people and become afraid of authority
figures.
We become approval seekers and lose our identity in the process.
We can't stand it when people are angry at us. We hate criticism! We get
defensive and "explain" ourselves in an attempt to show the other person how
they are wrong.
Our world view is that of the victim. We sense and gravitate towards people
whom we will allow ourselves to be victimized by.
We judge ourselves harshly. We use a more lenient yardstick to judge others.

We experience guilt when we stand up for ourselves. To avoid guilt, we give
in to others.
We confuse love and empathy/pity and tend to think we "love" people we can
pity and rescue.
We are reactors to life rather than creators of life.



HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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