3: Tools for Handling Control Issues

What is idealism?

Idealism is the:

Holding on to a set of beliefs which are a rigid system of the way life is
"supposed to be" or "should be".

Philosophical foundation of a lifestyle in which you find yourself always
"bucking'' the system at home, school, work, or in the community.

Belief system you have adopted about how things "should be done'' which
often gets challenged by the way things are in reality.

Fantasy or dream of how your life should be which often interferes with your
accepting the "here and now'' realities of life.

Underlying motive behind your attempt to control people so that they meet
your ideal image of the way they should be, act, achieve, react, live, etc.

Set of goals of how reality should be if it were perfect, a set of goals to
shoot for 100% attainment.

Set of beliefs which if adhered to too rigidly often gets you into trouble
with authority figures in your life since you are apt to rebel against such
authority if the system is "not right'' and not in accord with your ideals.

Block which prevents you from playing the political game of going along with
the mandates of the authority which temper your beliefs and "should's''
about the ways things should be.

Set of beliefs which, if held too rigidly, can open you to criticism for
being too "pie in the sky,'' non-pragmatic, or out of touch with reality.

Blind spot that can keep you off focus in your home, school, work, or
community life because of your disappointment about others not accepting or
living
up to your ideals.

Mask you often hide behind when you are unwilling to admit that you are
unmotivated, too lazy, or not interested in doing what is expected of you at
school, work, home, or in the community.

Underlying current which prevents your healthy adjustment to a situation
because it is so out of "synch'' with the ideal way you think things should be.

Set of norms against which you judge others and which gets you into trouble
with the others, especially if they are authority figures who don't meet the
"norm.''


What are the negative effects of being overly idealistic?

If you continue to be overly idealistic, then you could:

Experience poor adjustment at school, on the job, or in the community
because you could become identified as a "gadfly,'' "rebel,'' or a person with a
"chip on your shoulder.''

Have problems and get in trouble with authority figures who are not
functioning in a way you believe correct and you've let them know this.

Become very depressed, despondent and despair over how imperfect life is at
home, school, work, or in the community.

Find it difficult to fully accept anyone the way they really are and
chronically attempt to control them so that they can become the way they "should
ideally be.''

Resent any attempts to help you recognize the rational, pragmatic, and
political strategies for coping with a "less than perfect or ideal'' life.

Find that your tenure is short on any job with a boss and, after a series of
job failures, you might need to seek a job where you can be your own boss and
not have to deal with less than ideal bosses or employees.

Become so hypercritical and controlling over all of the people in your life
that they shy away and become more distant and cool with you.

Become the fall guy or scapegoat for any problems or trouble in the system
at home, school, work, or in the community as a means to quiet your
outspokenness and to lay the blame and responsibility for the problems on you.

Be misunderstood, ignored, undervalued, rejected, non-approved, unsupported
by the people in your home, school, work and community systems.

Be so frustrated in not being able to control people to meet your ideals
that you regularly experience anger, temper, and raging outbursts against these
people.

Turn into a cynic or become fatalistic, hostile, pessimistic, and
negativistic.

Be so blinded by your "shining'' ideals that you forget others are free to
have their own opinion and become discouraged when you think no one is
listening to you.

Experience a lowering of your self-esteem because you are not capable of
living your ideals in your life spheres.


How is over-idealism a control issue

Over-idealism is a control issue because:

It is your attempt to put the "locus of control'' in your hands to get
others to be the way they should be for you.

It is at the root of your need to overcontrol situations, people, places, or
things in order to ensure that they come into compliance with your ideal
image of the way reality is supposed to be.

You can resort to coercion, intimidation, or threats to get people, places
or things to come into line with the ideals you expect them to have.

It often is at the base of your need to fix or be a caretaker because you
see something less than ideal or perfect and impulsively reach out to change or
care for it.

In your need to politically espouse your ideal belief system, you can
utilize manipulation, conning, storytelling, promise making, favor swapping, and
bargaining to get people, places, or things into line with you.

It often can blind you to the uncontrollables or unchangeables in your life
so that rather than admit to powerlessness and then let go of them, you
conversely work harder to change and bring them under control.

When you find it difficult to detach from others, it is often your idealized
image of the way you are supposed to act, be, or behave that keeps you
emotionally hanging on to these people.

It is often a barrier to your ability to gain self-control over your life
because your idealism blinds you to what is reasonable, realistic and achievable
for you in your life.

Behind your need to gain control and power over other persons, places, or
things is the idealistic image or fantasy of the way your world is supposed to
be and how only you have the answers to bring your world into synch with this
image.

You are willing to sacrifice your own resources, energy, spirit, physical
stamina or health in order to get your ideal image of the way life is supposed
to be actualized in the lives of the people, places, and things with whom you
come into contact.

It encourages a lack of moderation or compromise in your efforts to control
others so that you can feel sane in an ideal world and at peace with the ideal
way in which people should treat you.


What irrational thinking results in over-idealism?

They should know what they are supposed to do.

Life should be perfectly in line with what has been promised when we were
encouraged to live a good life, work hard, and treat others fairly.

The goals of the organization should always be the goals of every member of
the organization.

We should always act, think, and feel like everyone else who is a member of
this group, family, school, work site, church, or community.

It should be easy to make friends in a situation which I have freely chosen
to join because everyone in the situation should be just like me.

They should be as committed to this goal, job, or target behavior as I am.

Everyone should be as sincere, trustworthy, and honest in their dealings
with me as I am with them.

If I have been willing to make these sacrifices for them, they should show
their appreciation to me for this.

They should work as hard as I do.

They should be as generous, giving, and caring as I am.

They should know how I feel about them, what I want from them, and what I
need in my life.

They should appreciate me for what I do around here.

People should be nice to one another around here if we are going to be
successful.

Everybody should fit in with everybody else around here in order for us to
reach our goals.

Arguments, disagreements, and differences of opinions should not occur
around here.

Everybody should be as clear and precise about our goals here as I am.

If I am here for you, you should be here for me.

You should respect my work just like I respect yours.

They should only hire, appoint, or select people for this job, task, or
responsibility who are appropriate.

Everybody should put in an honest day's work for an honest day's wage.

I should do everything perfectly in order to meet my standards so as to
encourage others to follow my example.


New ways to reduce impact of idealism in your life

In order to reduce the impact of idealism in your life you need to follow
these steps:

First: Identify in which life spheres your idealism creates problems for
you. The life spheres are:

Marriage or relationships with significant others

Home life

Parenting or child management

School

Work

Community involvements

Church

Recovery Program

Friendships

Then for each life sphere follow the next steps.

Second: Identify the ideals, the "should's'' and the "must do's'' which
create problems for you.

Third: Identify what controlling behaviors result from your idealism.

Fourth: Identify the non-productive or negative behavioral responses you
receive or witness which arise from your idealism.

Fifth: Identify the irrational beliefs, the should's, must do's, or
perfectionistic tendencies at the base of each of your ideals which create the
problems for you.

Sixth: Take each irrational belief, should, must do, or perfectionistic
tendency and identify a healthier, more rational, and more realistic
alternative substitute which will tone down your ideals.

Seventh: Do anger work and other emotional-release work to get your
emotional and feelings life more integrated into your new, more rational,
healthy
and realistic thinking.

Eighth: Identify new, more politically reasonable, realistic, and rational
behaviors which will encourage your success and happiness in each life
sphere.

Ninth: Implement the new, politically sound behaviors and monitor the
effect they have on the people in each life sphere.

Tenth: Reward yourself for being more rational, realistic, healthy and
politically sound, for your new, less idealistic behaviors. Use positive
self-talk to remind yourself that:

There is only one person in life you can change or control. It is you!

You don't always have to be the most perfect, most ideal, or best achiever
in order to achieve success in life.

Things don't always have to go your way in order for you to feel happy and
successful.

It is OK for you and others to experience failure or mistakes, It is not the
end of the world.

Perfection is not always possible in this lifetime. The only perfect being
is God.

It is OK to accept the political realities of life to survive around here.

If it comes to the point where I can no longer survive around here, it would
be healthier for me to leave the situation than to stay and be destroyed.

If I stay around here knowing that it will eventually destroy me, then it is
my own choice and I can no longer complain about it.

It is better to keep my idealistic and perfectionistic attitudes to myself
than to inflict them on others who have no desire to become like I want them to
be. If I cannot live with this reality, then it would be better for me to
leave the situation than to inflict others with my rigidity, irrationality,
unhealthiness, and over-controlling, "better-than-thou'' attitudes.

I am responsible for my own life and happiness. I am deserving of my efforts
at making my ideals more realistic so that I can be successful around here.

Eleventh: Continue to implement more realistic, less idealistic, and less
perfectionistic behaviors in all of your life spheres. Continuously monitor how
you are allowing your ideals to control your life and the lives of others.

Twelfth: If you fall back into an overly idealistic state in one or more of
your life spheres, return to the first step and begin all over again.


Steps to temper idealism

Step 1: In your journal answer the following questions in order to assist
you to work on tempering your idealism so that it is less of a control issue
for you.

A. How do you display idealism in your behaviors and actions in life?

B. What are the negative effects of over-idealism in your life?

C. How do you use your idealism as a control mechanism in your life?

D. How do you feel about idealism being singled out as a control issue in
your life? How valid is this concept for you?

E. How do you feel about the idealism of other people in your life? Do you
feel they use their idealism as a control issue?

F. How does their idealism and your idealism clash or conflict? What types
of problems does this cause for you?

G. What irrational beliefs or unhealthy thinking leads to or results from
your over-idealism?

H. For how long has over-idealism been a problem for you? When was your
idealism greater? Lesser? More of a problem? Less of a problem?

I. How have you dealt with your problems arising from over-idealism?

J. How do you feel about "shoulding'' yourself or others to be, to act, to
think, and to feel in ideal ways?

K. How badly are you suffering in your life from the negative consequences
of your idealism and how badly do you want to change this?

L. How willing are you to "play the political'' games in life in order to
survive?

Step 2: Once you have done an assessment of the impact of over-idealism in
your life, then answer the following questions for each of your life spheres.
Take each of the following life spheres one at a time and complete all of the
questions in your journal before you go on to answer the same questions for
the next life sphere.

The Life Spheres Impacted by Idealism

Marriage or relationships with significant others

Home life

Parenting or child management

School

Work

Community involvement

Church

Recovery

Friendships

A. What are the ideals in this life sphere which create problems for you?

B. How do you try to control other people in this life sphere by your
idealism?

C. What are the negative results of your controlling through over-idealism?

D. What irrational beliefs or perfectionistic tendencies are at the root of
your problematic ideals in this life sphere?

E. What healthier, more rational, and more realistic alternative beliefs
in this life sphere would temper your problematic ideals?

F. What angers you in this life sphere about letting go of your overly
idealistic ideals?

G. What new feelings do you need to experience in this life sphere in
order to let go of the old ideals and accept the new, healthier, more realistic
and more rational ideals or beliefs?

H. What new behaviors do you need to develop in this life sphere as a
result of tempering your idealistic thoughts and emotions?

I. What "political games'' do you need to play in order to survive in this
life sphere once you have tempered your idealism?

J. How likely are you to successfully survive and be healthy and happy as
a result of your new, "less idealistic'' oriented behaviors and playing the
"political games'' in this life sphere?

K. What alternatives do you have if, by being less idealistic and more
political in your actions, your life, security, happiness, and success are
still
threatened and/or at risk?

L. How willing are you to let go physically of your active involvement
with people, places, or things which threaten your survival in this life
sphere?

M. How willing are you to admit the need to "quit'' a person, place, or
thing in this life sphere when to stay would result in hurt, pain, and
suffering for you?

Step 3: Once you have analyzed each of your life spheres for new, more
tempered thinking, feeling, and actions, then you need to implement the new,
tempered ideals, less controlling, more realistic, more rational beliefs, and
healthier behaviors in each life sphere.

Step 4: Monitor the impact these new behaviors have on the people in each
life sphere.

Step 5: Reinforce your efforts at tempering your idealism.

Step 6: Keep implementing more politically sound behaviors in each life
sphere.

Step 7: Walk away or quit any people, places, or things in your life
spheres who continue to be a threat to your survival or existence even after you
have tempered your idealism.

Step 8: If you fall back into allowing your idealism to control you or
others, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again keeping in mind that:

Life is

a little sunshine, a little rain

a little loss, a little gain

a little happiness, a little pain

not all sweet, nor all sour

now a weed, now a flower but

a goodly average of sunshine and shower.

What is the need to fix?

The need to fix is:

Compulsively driven behavior to rescue or help another person, place, or
thing to be the way you believe it "should be.''

Seeing another person, place, or thing as "in need'' and the automatic
response pattern to this message.

Belief that, unless everything is "just right'' for another person, then
that person can never fully be happy in life.

Obsessive need to have every thing, person, and place "perfect'' or
"correct'' in order for you to be comfortable enough to be relaxed and accepting
of
them.

Inability to accept people, places, or things the way they are and the
chronic attempt at changing them even if they are unchangeable.

Acting on the belief that you have more knowledge than others as to what is
good for them so you strive to correct their thinking to "see the light'' in
your way.

Inability to maintain emotional detachment from a person, place, or thing
that is hurting or in trouble. You proceed to fix them even if this means that
they are hindered from personal growth and accepting personal responsibility
for their own actions.

Inability to not give advice, suggestions, or offers of help, even when you
know in doing so that it will hinder another person's growth and personal
mastery in life.

Interfering in business and personal affairs "to help'' people even when
they haven't asked for your help or assistance.

Drive to feel "needed'' or "wanted'' which leads you to become overly
involved and overresponsible in your relationships with persons, places, and
things.

Result of a pattern of getting approval and recognition from others for
"helping'' in the past with the belief that this is the only way you can have
meaning in life.


What are the negative effects of the compulsive need to fix?

If your compulsive need to control others by "fixing" them is not resolved,
they you:

Run the risk of developing a series of relationships with people, places, or
things who become overly dependent on you.

Run the risk of becoming a caretaker to many with few people giving you the
healthy emotional support you need to be a fully functioning and coping human.

Will be unable to remain emotionally detached when you run across a person,
place, or thing which appears "helpless.''

Experience people moving away from you if they no longer desire "to be
fixed'' by your advice, solutions, or insights.

Will never take care of your own needs because you will have successfully
avoided focusing on self by diverting your focus to fixing others.

Become guilt ridden if people, places, or things which you are trying "to
fix'' don't get "fixed'' and instead get worse.

Might tie your identity into the "fixer'' role and never be able to enjoy a
truly healthy give and receive relationship with anyone.

Will feign "wellness'' as a mask to convince others you have found the
answers "to fix'' them and thus remain static or reverse in your personal
emotional health.

Will hand out a lot of "I owe you's'' to those you fix in hope they will be
there for you when you need them, unfortunately forgetting that your only
worth to them has been the fixing you perform and they will not "come through''
the way you hope they will in your time of need.

Might be the one who does all the work in a relationship and, once you "stop
the work,'' the relationship will die since you are no longer working at
fixing it.

Might become hostile, angry, rageful, or hateful to those whom you have
"fixed'' if they do not give you enough recognition in return for your efforts.

Might have successfully used everyone else's problems to divert your
attention from yourself, the only one you have greatest odds of fixing because
you
can have control and change yourself best.

Will increase in your low self-esteem as you lose yourself in "fixing''
others.


How is the need to fix a control issue?

The need to fix is a control issue because:

It puts the "locus of control'' into your hands as the fixer rather than
into the hands of those being fixed where it correctly belongs.

If you are a "fix it'' person, you end up trying to control every situation,
person, place, or thing to be "right'' or "perfect'' so that you can feel
sane, safe, and in control.

Fixing is taking over the responsibility of another person, place or thing
and being sure that the outcome for them is positive and in accord with your
mental picture or ideal of the "way things should be'' in your world.

It robs people, places, and things of their freedom to be themselves because
of your need to correct, change, or alter them to be the way you want them
to be.

Giving advice, offering solutions, and directing choices puts you in a
"power'' and "controlling'' position over those things you are trying to fix.

In your enthusiasm to help, you run the risk of using threats, coercion, or
intimidation to get others to do what you believe will fix them.

In your compulsive, addictive, or obsessive need to fix, you might be taking
on uncontrollable and unchangeable things which burn you out and leave you
in need of being "fixed.''

The sense of over-responsibility which leads you to need to fix others is a
"de-powering'' of the others to take responsibility for themselves; it puts
the onus of accountability on you if the solutions do not succeed. It also puts
the recognition for their success on you rather than on those you are
fixing.

"Addicted fixers'' do not allow those whom they are trying to fix to become
independent or to think and try things out on their own and create
over-dependency on themselves to make things right.

Being a "fixer'' is a powerful position which gives you a sense of
importance, being special, and a reason for being.

Those being "fixed'' often feel "out of control'' in terms of what is
happening in their lives and can become dependent on you the fixer to "do for
them'' rather than to "do for themselves.''

Although "fixing'' looks altruistic, it is really a sef-centered behavior
because the outcome is not so much for the other's benefit but to make you
feel good, relaxed, at peace in that things are the way they "should be.''


What irrational thinking leads to the need to fix?

Examples of irrational thinking which leads you to the need to fix other
people, places, or things are:

When you have the resources materially, emotionally, intellectually, and
energy-wise, you should always be ready to share these with others less
fortunate than you whom you perceive to be in need of help and assistance.

You should never stand by and not get involved when you see someone hurting
and in need.

You are rewarded in so many ways for the sacrifices you make to help others
and it is a straight path to heaven if you give to others without any
hesitation.

You should give insights from your life experiences whenever you find
someone in a similar situation.

You should never wait for a person to ask for help since so many people are
shy when it comes to admitting they don't know what to do with their lives.

You must die to self if you are to gain eternal reward. To be focused only
on solving your own problems is so selfish. Therefore, you are sure to gain a
higher eternal reward if you dedicate your life to helping others no matter
what are the physical or emotional costs to yourself.

It is impossible to ignore a plea for help especially when it comes from
someone who is obviously "helpless.''

It is a real sign of your personal growth that, after a time in recovery,
you can have the insights, answers, solutions, and clarity of direction for
everyone with whom you come in contact.

You can burn yourself out just focused on your own personal growth so to
revitalize yourself you should get involved with other people's problems to give
you a better perspective on your own problems.

What will others think of you if you don't offer help to someone who is
obviously in need?

Your meaning and purpose in life will be threatened if you are not needed to
fix, rescue, or help someone.

Being a "fixer'' is not something which you want to avoid being because it
is the only way you have ever gotten people to recognize and to accept you.


Ways to overcome compulsive fixing

In order to overcome being a compulsive "fixer" you need to:

Accept the belief that others must accept personal responsibility for their
own lives and actions.

Recognize that being a "fixer'' is a way to control others. It places the
responsibility for the other's actions on you, which is not where it belongs.

Establish a healthy emotional boundary between you and those whom you desire
to fix.

Develop a philosophy of "helping'' which emphasizes that what people need is
emotional support and understanding of their feelings concerning a problem
rather than advice, direction, suggestions, or "content'' solutions.

Establish healthy emotional detachment from the persons, places, things whom
you feel driven to "fix".

Find your reinforcement, strokes, or "warm fuzzies'' from within yourself
and not get "hooked'' on the need for approval or recognition from others for
what you do for them.

Accept that in "helping'' another the goal and purpose is to help the other
to help himself.

Recognize that "doing for'' another is not helping another get strong,
healthy, or independent.

Recognize when the compulsion "to fix'' arises so that you can use rational
thinking and feeling to develop strategies of helping which leave the others
free to "fix'' themselves.

Accept that you can only fix one person, namely yourself, and that all
others must be responsible for "fixing'' themselves.

Give permission to the people in your life to call you on it or to confront
you when you are caught up in the need to "fix'' them.

Gain support from your support network as you let go of the people, places,
and things you feel compelled to fix.

Recognize that the only way you can get significant others to recognize that
they need help is to be "squeaky clean and healthy'' in your relationship
with them.

Accept that your fantasy or dream of how others would be if they changed is
your fantasy and dream and not necessarily theirs.

Identify that, if another has a problem, then they have to own it if they
are ever going to fix it and that, if you try to fix the problem, then you are
taking on ownership of the problem as your own.

Accept that, when a problem exists in your relationship with another, both
parties must work on it to fix it if they are to come to a compromise and
healthy "win win'' resolution.

Identify that obligation and over-responsibility are not healthy enough
reasons to keep you in a "fixer'' posture with others.

Realize that guilt as a motivator to keep you hooked into a "fixer-fixee''
relationship is unhealthy for you and the other.


Steps to overcome the "fixer" role

Step 1: In your journal, you first need to list and identify all persons,
places, and things with whom you are a "fixer.''

A. The people I feel a need to "fix'' are:

B. The places I feel a need to "fix'' are:

C. The things I feel a need to "fix'' are:

Step 2: For each person, place, or thing identify the following:

A. What are the issues that need fixing?

B. For whom are these issues a problem? Are they a problem for you, a
problem for the other, or a problem for both of you?

C. How openly has the other admitted these issues are problems and how have
they asked for your help to "fix'' them?

D. How has the other tried to take steps to solve or "fix'' these problems
on their own? How successful have they been?

Step 3: You next need to identify what are the "hooks'' in your relationship
with each person, place, or thing that keep you in your addicted fixer role.
For each person, place, or thing you identified in Step 1 now identify which
of these twenty hooks exist for you and put an X next to it..

Emotional Hooks Self Assessment

___ ( 1) Your sense of guilt if they should get worse

___ ( 2) Your sense of over-responsibility

___ ( 3) Your sense of obligation

___ ( 4) Your fantasy of a change in the relationship

___ ( 5) Fear of losing them

___ ( 6) Your need to be needed

___ ( 7) Your need to control others

___ ( 8) Your fear of going insane if they don't change

___ ( 9) Your overemotional enmeshment or attachment with them

___ (10) Your need for approval and recognition

___ (11) Your need to be seen as a "helper'' who does good for others

___ (12) A martyr complex. This is your role in life to clean up the messes
which others make in your life

___ (13) A sense that they can't do it without you

___ (14) A way of keeping the focus off your needs by keeping the spotlight
on help of others

___ (15) The others don't recognize that you are an addicted fixer with them

___ (16) Your own low self-esteem and unhealthy way of thinking, feeling,
and acting

___ (17) Your inability to emotionally detach from others who are in a toxic
relationship with you

___ (18) Your competitive need to look more knowledgeable, wiser, and more
"together'' than the other

___ (19) Your need to ensure that your current life is not as dysfunctional
as your past life was

___ (20) Your "pride'' that only you can correct or fix things for others

Step 4: Once you identify the "hooks'' in the relationship with each person,
place, and thing for whom you are an addicted fixer, then you need to
develop rational, healthy alternative beliefs which allow you to "let go'' of
the
need to "fix'' them.

Step 5: You then need to get support from your own network of support to
"let go'' of the need to "fix'' these persons, places, and things.

Step 6: You need to give back to each person, place, and thing the
responsibility for their own actions and solutions to their problems.

Step 7: You need to seek your Higher Power's strength as you cease your
"fixer'' role in the lives of these persons, places, and things.

Step 8: If you find yourself relapsing into the "fixer'' role again with any
person, place, or thing, then return to Step 1 and begin again.

What are caretaker behaviors?
Caretaker behaviors are those behaviors which:

Keep people in a dependency relationship with you.

Require that everyone you care for must conform to your set of rules and
norms about how they are to conduct their lives.

On the surface "look good'' and proper but in reality are a subtle way of
manipulating others to keep them under your control.

You exercise on others to prevent unwanted behaviors or disasters or to
clean up and provide damage control after a problem has erupted.

Make you valuable to others who need your assistance, rescuing and help and
therefore anoint you to be in a "powerful'' position to control, dictate, or
direct their future actions.

Make you the person upon whom people rely to be the stable rock, foundation,
or support in the system when they get into trouble.

Exhibit the axiom that money, material goods, and status are more important
in human relationships than are emotional support, self-discipline and
feelings-oriented relationships.

Keep people from honestly assessing what is happening in their lives for
fear that if they become honest they could no longer turn to the caretaker to
"bail them out'' when they get into trouble.

Are often enabling behaviors which exacerbate the troubled behaviors which
are being "cared'' for.

Are often hidden behind the mask of a "gift'' or a "token of love'' but in
reality have major "strings attached'' by which the recipient is held to be
"beholden'' or grateful for the gift and thus held in line with what the
caretaker wants to happen if further gifts are to be given.

Bail others out from major problems with the result that they lose their
sense of independence and personal autonomy.

Give you the role of a "Godfather'' who is all giving and yet seeks
retribution if you are ever crossed or disappointed.


What are the negative effects of being a caretaker?

If you continue to be a "caretaker" in your relationships, then you could:

Become frustrated over the amount of energy, resources, time, effort,
support, and sacrifices you need to "put out'' in order to help those people who
look to you for help.

Be disappointed that those to whom you are a caretaker seem to increase in
their "helplessness'' over time rather than grow in selfBsufficiency.

"Punish'' those you `"caretake'' if they become successful and gain
independence from their need for help.

Take on the role of "martyr'' bemoaning how awful it is to have so many
people's lives you are responsible for and yet do nothing to change the
situation
to encourage the people to leave the nest and fly on their own.

Encourage a number of people, places, or things to become overdependent on
you, thus increasing your stress and anxiety with such responsibility solely on
you.

Get stuck in "denial'' that your caretaking actually enables others to
become dependent rather than independent.

Enjoy the power and control of being the "godfather'' and begin to resort to
intimidation, threats, and coercion to keep those dependent on you in line.

Become frustrated that you are working harder and harder to "make things
right'' and yet don't seem to be succeeding since there are always new problems
needing your attention and support.

See yourself as a generous, benevolent, and philanthropic individual while
in reality you are a controller who weakens people's wills and spirits from
becoming independent, self-sufficient, and successful in their own right.

Contribute to enabling and exacerbating the addictive, compulsive, and
self-destructive behaviors of those you "care'' for.

Be outraged, angry, and resent the "freeloading'' of others on you and yet
enjoy the sense of "helping'' others and not be able to let go of the
freeloaders in your life.

Sense that no matter how much you do for others it is never good enough to
correct the situation and feel compelled to give more and more, in the process
accepting increased control and responsibility over these people's lives.

Believe that your advice, "gems of wisdom,'' insights, suggestions, and
"directives'' are the "golden rule'' for those dependent on you and get angry,
resentful, and lose your temper with them when they ignore you.

Become socially isolated if people are drawn to you not for "who you are''
but rather for what "you can do for them.''

Experience a grave depression if you realize that no matter how much you
give others you are constantly in a struggle to gain their unconditional love.
Even worse you question if they would love you if you had nothing to give them
but you the person.

Experience a worsening of your low self-esteem when you recognize that your
worth is based conditionally on what you do for others rather than on what you
are as a person.


How is being a caretaker a control issue?

Being a caretaker is a control issue because:

It places the "locus of control'' in your hands and out of the hands of
those you are caring for.

You take control from other people to determine their own direction in life
by accepting the full brunt of responsibility for their welfare.

By believing that you are the source of all good things for others you give
yourself the power to control their lives, fortunes, and destiny, if not in
reality, at least in your mind.

You can often resort to use of threats, coercion, or intimidation to retain
your dominant role in their lives, if the people, places, or things try to get
control back.


Those people, places, or things whom you take care of can become
overdependent on your nurturance, care and support so much so that they lose the
inherent capability to control their own lives.

You can often persist in caring for others who are the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in your life you need to let go of or become detached from.

You open yourself up to be manipulated to care for others who hide behind
the mask of helplessness in order to hook you to do what they want you to do for
them.

It can often be a mask behind which you hide so as to avoid having to deal
with the problems or issues which are out of control in your life.

It is often easier to control others than to gain your own self-control.

When you see another for whom you are being a caretaker struggle to get
power back in their own lives by functioning independently from you, you can
resort to power tactics to get them back into the dependent role with you.

On the surface it looks so generous, giving, and noble to be a caretaker
when in reality you are a dependent person who needs needy people, places, or
things to give you identity and a reason for being.

It robs others of the power of self-determination by encouraging
overdependency, a sense of helplessness, and the inability to care for
themselves.

By use of gifts, favors, loans, inheritance, and other caretaker tactics you
manipulate others to give you the respect, honor, admiration, approval,
affection, and acceptance you need so badly.


What irrational thinking leads you to become a caretaker?

I only have value in life if people need me.

The people in my life could not survive without my assistance or help.

They are dependent people who would fail or collapse if I stopped taking
care of them.

They can't do without me.

I do it because I love them.

I just can't stand to see them fail or get into trouble.

If they don't succeed in life, it would be my fault.

They will be grateful and beholden to me for everything I have done for
them.

They will be loyal and supportive to me for all that I do for them.

They are too incompetent to take care of themselves.

People expect me to take care of them and I could never let them down.

I am the only stable one around here and if I don't take control they would
all fall apart.

If I don't take over for them, they would mess up so badly that it would
take more energy to clean up the mess than to prevent it.

It is important that the people in my life be protected from failure, pain,
hurt, or suffering.

I could never let them down. They depend on me too much.

This is all I'm good for, which is to do for others.

I've sacrificed, scrimped, and saved so that they could benefit from all of
my efforts.

If I didn't do something for or give something to them, what makes you think
they would still care about me?

You've always got to look after them since they are so inadequate and could
never succeed on their own.

I know more, have more experience, and am wiser than they are, so they need
my resources, help, and advice to get them through this problem.

How can I allow other people to hurt and suffer pain? It hurts me not to
lift a finger to rescue or fix them.

They are desperate and just this once I need to take over for them.


What you can do to cease the need to be a caretaker?

First: Identify the people in your life for whom you currently feel the need
to be a caretaker. For each person, do the steps which follow.

Second: What do you do as a caretaker for this person or what do you feel
you need to do?

Third: Identify why you feel the need to do these things for this person.
Analyze if these reasons are rational, healthy, and based on reality. Then
develop healthier, more rational reasons not to be a caretaker for this person.

Fourth: Identify what your feelings are concerning this person.

Fifth: Identify how you would feel if you no longer felt a need to do
caretaker actions for this person.

Sixth: Identify how rational, healthy, and realistic these feelings are.

Seventh: Identify new, more healthy, realistic and rational feelings you can
have after ceasing the need to be a caretaker for this person.

Eighth: Identify new non-caretaker behaviors you can develop with this
person.

Ninth: Implement new, non-caretaker, rational, healthy and realistic
behaviors with this person.

Tenth: Reward and reinforce yourself for ceasing your need to be a caretaker
with the following positive self-talk.

I am a good person and do not need to do things for people in order for me
to have worth or value.

It is OK to let people be responsible for their own lives even if they fail,
make a mistake, or do not succeed in the process.

It is good not to be a caretaker, because I prevent people from feeling
independent, competent, and self-sufficient by being a caretaker for them.

By letting people take care of themselves, I am allowing them to grow
self-confident, competent and self-sufficient.

I now am living my life more fully for myself and feel more freedom from
anxiety, stress, panic, and fear.

I deserve to be the recipient of all of my caretaking behaviors and others
are better off as a result.

I am not responsible for others' failures, mistakes, losses, or lack of
success. I am responsible only for me.

I am a good person deserving of respect even if I do not shower others with
my old caretaker behaviors.

I can help people more by allowing them to accept personal responsibility
for their own lives.

I can assess my value and worth by how well I have lived my life for myself
rather than by how much I have given or done for others.

Eleventh: Continue to monitor your need to be a caretaker for the people in
your life. Recognize that when you return to caretaker behaviors you are
returning to a need to control the lives of these people.

Twelfth: If you find yourself falling back into the need to be a caretaker
for the people in your life, return to the first step and begin again.


Steps to eliminate caretaker behaviors

Step 1: In your journal answer the following questions to first
determine if you are a caretaker in your behaviors with others.

A. How do you feel when you realize that other people need you for what you
do for them?

B. How do you deal with a situation in which someone in your life is
experiencing a problem, disaster, failure or loss?

C. How do you react to others' addictive or other self-destructive behaviors?

D. How well do you allow others to exercise personal responsibility over
their own lives?

E. How would you feel if people no longer turned to you to cure, fix, solve,
or rectify problems for them?

F. How do you feel when you realize that others have become dependent on you?

G. How do you feel when you are told that you are dependent on the people
who are dependent on you to need and to be cared for by you?

H. How do you feel about altering your thinking, feelings, and behaviors to
cease your need to be a caretaker?

I. How does ceasing the need to be a caretaker fit into your program of
recovery from low self-esteem?

J. How does being a caretaker reflect your low self-esteem?

K. How have you reacted to people who were caretakers to you? How
comfortable are you with being equally classified with the caretakers in your
own life?

L. How big a problem for you is being a caretaker? How willing are you to
let go of this problem?

Step 2: If after your assessment of your caretaker behaviors, you are
committed to change these behaviors, then proceed to identify each person in
your
life for whom you are currently a caretaker or have a need to be a caretaker.
For each person identified, in your journal answer the following questions.

A. What do you do for this person?

B. How does what you do affect this person?

C. What reasons lead you to feel the need to exercise these caretaker
behaviors with this person? How rational, healthy, or in touch with reality are
these reasons?

D. How do you feel about this person?

E. How do you feel about the effects of your caretaking on this person?

F. How would you feel if you no longer felt the need to be a caretaker for
this person? What are the risks? What are the losses? What are the benefits?
What new feelings would be healthier and more rational for you?

G. What new behaviors do you need to exercise with this person to cease
being a caretaker?

H. What can you do to control your urge to be a caretaker for this person?

I. What can you do to let go of the need to fix, rescue, control,
manipulate, and take care of this person?

J. What alternatives do you have to being a caretaker to this person?

Step 3: Once you have analyzed your caretaker behaviors for each person you
take care of, then you need to implement more non-controlling, healthy,
rational, more realistic, non-caretaking behaviors with each of these people

Step 4: Keep monitoring your success in ceasing to be a caretaker and
reinforce your effort in this regard. As you do this, answer in your journal the
following questions.

A. How are these people reacting to your letting go of your caretaking
behaviors?

B. How are you dealing with guilt trips these people pull on you?

C. How do you deal with these people's anger when you cease being a
caretaker for them?

D. How do you reward yourself for ceasing to be a caretaker to reinforce
yourself against the powerful forces to pull you back into caretaking?

E. How do you deal with your compulsive urge to fall back into being a
caretaker for each of these people?

F. How do you deal with the realities of failure, loss, mistakes, and
non-success that is experienced by those people to whom you have ceased to be a
caretaker?

G. What rational, healthy, and realistic self-talk do you do to keep you
from jumping back into being a caretaker again?

H. What do you need in your life in order to keep you from becoming a
caretaker again?

Step 5: As you continue to reward your efforts at ceasing to be a caretaker
to others, keep working at turning your need to care back on yourself to
ensure you put these behaviors to work for you.

Step 6: If you revert back into caretaker behaviors or the need to be a
caretaker, return to Step 1 and begin again.


What is powerlessness?

Powerlessness is the:

Sensation of being out of control with no apparent solution to help you to
regain control.

Complete lack of control, authority, or status to affect how others will
treat or act towards you.

Lack of capability to affect the realities of life out of your control like:


how others act towards you

if you will get a job you want

If you will be accepted to a school you desire to attend

what the weather will be

if an accident will occur

if an act of God will affect you or others, etc.

Lack of ability

to affect or change the compulsive or addictive behaviors of others which
affect you negatively.

to make others exactly what you want them to be.

to change past events which have had a negative impact in your current life.

to insure that all of your dreams and fantasies for the way you want life to
be will come true in reality.

to completely change things you have attempted repeatedly to change with no
success.

Presence of impulsive, addictive, compulsive, and obsessive behaviors in you
which

up to now you have not been able to get under control

are causing your life to become unmanageable

affect your life and

are out of your control.

Lack of strength, competence, or skills to overcome realities in life that
have no current apparent solution, such as

the cure for AIDS and cancer

complete recovery from cerebral palsy

bringing back to life a loved one who has died, etc.

Recognition that there are for you

people,

problems, and


things that are

uncontrollable and

unchangeable and

out of your power to completely

affect,

control, or

change.


What are the negative consequences of not accepting personal powerlessness?

If you do not accept powerlessness over the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in your life, then you could:

Begin to frustrate yourself in your attempts to gain control and to fix the
non-fixable.

Become extremely rigid and dogmatic in your handling of life's problems
believing that there is "only one way'' to do things, the "perfect'' way.

Deny the enormity of the things which you do not have power to change and
become locked into "fantasy'' or "magical'' thinking that given enough time,
energy, and resources you can succeed in changing them.

Become so full of self-pride as to believe that only you can be the
"savior'' for the ills or problems you are facing.

Become so self-preoccupied that you become incapable of reaching out to ask
for others' help and support in facing these problems which are beyond your
power and control.

Deny the existence of a Higher Power in your life upon whom you can call for
help and assistance.

Lose your faith in the capability of human beings to help out a fellow human
who is in need of help and support.

Become so frustrated and depressed in trying to solve the unsolvable
problems that you find your temper, anger, and rage igniting and flaring up
spontaneously, inappropriately, and disproportionately.

Feel so defeated by the non-fixable realities of life that you come to
believe yourself an inadequate person.

Forget that you are a human being and as such open to failures and mistakes
and not the "perfect being'' who is omnipotent and infallible in all things.

Cling onto the people whom you cannot control or change until they one day
walk out on you frustrated by your incessant efforts to change, correct, or
reform them.

Lose perspective of your own limits and not be self-protective of your
energy, resources, and spirit in your incessant effort to solve the unsolvable.

Increase in a sense of low self-esteem because you are incapable of making
everything right and perfect with all people, places, and things in your life.


How is accepting powerlessness a control issue?

Accepting powerlessness is a control issue because:

It gives you the ability to retain the "locus of control'' in your hands
because you have the right to accept or reject, to reach out or to pull in from
others' offers of help.

You are capable of seeking help and support from others to fortify your
efforts in this regard, by recognizing that you have addictive, impulsive,
compulsive, or obsessive behavioral patterns which you are "powerless'' to
control
or fix on your own, .

You recognize the need of the strength and assistance of a Higher Power with
whom you can share the solving of your overpowering problems, by letting go
of the "pride'' of survivorship that says that "only you'' can solve your own
problems, no matter how big they are,

In so doing you give credibility and validity to the belief that there are
issues in your life that no matter how long and how much you control them you
will never gain full power over because they inevitably will happen. Such
items as death, taxes, weather, climatic changes, acts of God, are just a few
of
those things you will never be able to control and thus you are powerless to
change.

It is a first step in accepting help for any problems which are stronger
than you and are resistant to efforts to correct.

It is the inviting of others into your life to support your need to correct
a problem. It is a behavior similar to "helplessness'' but yet qualitatively
different because helplessness is really a guise for maintaining control over
others whereas

It is an honest appraisal of how much control or power you have over
problems, situations, people, places, or things.

In recognizing that there is a Higher Power who has a role in your life, you
are able to put into a healthy perspective how much energy, resources,
personal investment, emotional and physical effort and time you need to
contribute
to the partnership with your Higher Power to face those problems over which
you by yourself are powerless.

You don't like to admit you can't control something on your own and yet
unless you do so you will continue to knock your head against a brick wall.


What is the irrational thinking that leads to denial of powerlessness?

Here are some examples of irrational thinking that leads you to deny
powerlessness over the out of control people, places, things, and personal
behaviors
in your life:

You must be able to have control over everything in your life.

It is a sign of weakness to admit your inability to control or change
things.

You should be able to solve your own problems on your own.

What would people think if you reached out for help to deal with the aspects
of your life which are out of control?

You should be able to work things out on your own, once you realize what the
problem is.

There is no problem too great that it can't be solved.

God never gives you a problem too great that you can't handle it on your
own.

You are a real "wimp'' or "wuss'' if you can't deal with it on your own.

People are able to handle everything in life. That is why they were given
intelligence, creativity and imagination.

It is a sign of moral weakness if you are not able to get your impulsive,
addictive, compulsive, or obsessive behaviors under control.

You are a "bad person'' if you are powerless to change your behaviors on
your own.

You are not supposed to ask for help from others when you are dealing with
your weak character flaws.

When you ask for help, you always become dependent on others to solve your
problems for you.

Certain behaviors have a genetic basis and it is best to ignore them so that
they don't occur in your life.

Ignore your problems and they will go away.

An impulse is an easy thing to get under control.

You are morally weak if you have an addictive behavior problem.

The only way to change sick behaviors is to work at it on your own.

If you don't face your problems, they don't exist for the moment.

Admitting you are a human being when facing problems is admitting defeat.

You should be able to handle every challenge in your life on your own.


How to learn to admit powerlessness

When you are troubled by personal behaviors or by uncontrollable and
unchangeable people, places, things, and situations in your life, you can follow
these steps so as to admit your powerlessness over them to enable you to get
help from others to deal with them.

First Identify what behavior, person, place, thing, or situation is causing
you problems and making your life unmanageable.

Second: Identify what it is about this problem that makes you feel powerless.

Third: Identify what irrational beliefs keeps you from admitting being
powerless over the problem.

Fourth: Replace this irrational thinking with healthy, rational, more
realistic thinking about powerlessness such as the following positive
self-affirmations.

I am a human being and deserve support from others in my efforts to address
problems over which I currently feel powerless.

I deserve support and help to address these problems for my self-growth.

It is human to feel powerless since only God is all powerful and omnipotent.

I will get closer to recovery from my problems once I admit my inability to
solve them on my own.

It is OK to feel powerlessness over my problems as long as I reach out to my
Higher Power and others for assistance and support.

I can solve problems that come my way as long as I am willing to admit my
inability to solve them on my own and seek help to deal with them

I gain more in life by letting go of control over those things that are out
of my power to control.

I gain serenity in life by admitting what I am powerless to change and
control.

I am a human and not God and that's OK.

Help is only given to those who ask for it.

I can reach out for help when I am powerless to solve a problem on my own.

I will seek help from my Higher Power and others when I feel powerless to
solve a problem on my own.

Fifth: Once you have affirmed your right to admit powerlessness over the
problem, then reach out to others to seek their support and assistance.

Sixth: Simultaneous with reaching out for help from others to deal with the
problem, seek your Higher Power's assistance by the following:

Handing over the uncontrollable and unchangeable elements of the problem to
your Higher Power.

Asking your Higher Power for the strength, wisdom, and courage to deal with
the controllable and changeable elements of the problem.

Seventh: Once you gain help and support from others and your Higher Power,
conscientiously and assiduously take steps to address the changeable elements
which you have the power and ability to change.

Eighth: Recognize that progress will be slow and erratic at first in
changing personal behaviors of an impulsive, addictive, compulsive, or obsessive
nature. Give yourself enough time to change, taking one day at a time.

Ninth: Admit to yourself that, in changing personal behaviors or habits,
relapse into the old behaviors is a fact of life. Give yourself permission to be
a human and to experience a relapse into old behavior and then get back onto
the wagon of recovery. Don't end your efforts to change if you should
experience a slippage into old patterns or habits of acting. Do not seek
perfection
in recovery. Admit that you are not a "perfect being'' and that you don't
have to recover perfectly all at one time.

Tenth: Monitor your progress in solving your problem and handling relapses
of old behaviors. Try not to take on more than you can handle by remembering:

Take one thing at a time.

Step by step.

Easy does it.

First things first.

Day by day.

Hour by hour.

Minute by minute.

Progress is slow but steady.

You are the determiner of pace.

You are in charge of your destiny.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

It took a long time to get you into this and it will take a long time to get
out.

Eleventh: If you are again overwhelmed by your efforts to solve this
problem, admit your powerlessness and gain support and assistance to persist
and
not give up your efforts.

Twelfth: If you are not experiencing success in solving this problem, the
chances are you have not fully admitted your powerlessness to change,
control, or solve it on your own. Return to the first step and begin over
again.


Steps to admitting powerlessness

Step 1: In order to admit powerlessness, you first need to recognize what is
causing your life to be unmanageable. Consider this following list:

Things that cause one's life to become unmanageable because the person is
powerless over them:
People

Places

Things

Situations

Personal behaviors:

Impulsive behaviors a thing you do right away with no pre-thought or
hesitation.

Addictive behaviors a thing you do with no thought at all which is a habit
and out of control.

Compulsive behaviors a thing you do with little thought, over and over again
and it is hard to control.

Obsessive behaviors a thing you do over and over again because you don't
believe it is perfectly done unless it is corrected and modified over and over
again.


In your journal for each of the categories listed above consider these
questions:

A. What is problematical about it?

B. Why is it problematical for you?

C. Why is it causing your life to be unmanageable?

D. What efforts have you used in the past or are you currently trying to use
to correct it?

E. Why have your efforts to solve, change or control failed to this point?

F. How do you feel about your lack of success at solving, controlling, or
changing it?

G. Whose help, assistance, or support have you enlisted to solve it?

H. To what extent is it an uncontrollable or unchangeable element in your
life?

I. To what extent is it a controllable or changeable element in your life?

J. Why have you not let go of the unchangeable or uncontrollable elements of
it before this time?

Step 2: Once you identify your problems, then identify in your journal the
thinking which still keeps you from admitting you are powerless to solve each
one of these on your own.

Step 3: In your journal develop a set of new self-talk or self-affirmations
to give you permission to admit your powerlessness over each of these
problems.

Step 4: In your journal identify for each problem a person from whom to seek
support, assistance, and help to address it.

Step 5: In your journal identify how you would seek your Higher Power's
assistance for each problem.

Step 6: Seek help from others for each problem. Let go or hand over the
uncontrollable and unchangeable problems to your Higher Power and seek
assistance
from your Higher Power for the controllable and changeable elements.

Step 7: Monitor your progress in addressing these problems. If you are
having little or no success, you probably have not fully admitted powerlessness
over solving them on your own, so return to Step 1 and begin again.

What is letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables?
Letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in life is the:

Admitting the obvious truth - that you are not responsible to affect a
change or correct a problem which is beyond your competency, power, authority or
responsibility.

Releasing over-responsibility - giving permission to yourself to be free
from an overresponsible sense of obligation, duty, or requirement to make
everything "perfect'' in your life and the life of others.

No perfectionism - Allowing yourself to rid yourself of the perfectionistic
need to control every aspect of your life so that nothing goes "wrong'' in it.

Getting rational about what you can and cannot do - becoming realistic about
what is and is not your obligation or duty to correct, change, or control.

Releasing self to "no" - allowing yourself to be able to say "no'' or "I
can't'' when faced with insurmountable problems out of your reach.

Confessing faith in God- Openly declare that God, your "Higher Power" is
stronger and a great source of power to whom you can hand over these things out
of your control.

Accepting your powerlessness - over things and handing these things over to
your Higher Power.

Handing it over to God - which is no longer taking direct action to effect a
change but handing the situation over to the goodness and mercy of your
Higher Power in hope that the solution will rest in the Higher Power's
authority
and wisdom.

Declaring God is in Charge - admitting that you can only do so much and
after that it is up to your Higher Power to take over.

Realistic acceptance of loss - after fully grieving a loss admitting that
there is nothing left to be done but to accept the loss and hand the loss from
this point on over to your Higher Power's care and love.

Surrender: Problem solving conclusion - culmination of extensive problem
solving, brainstorming, and testing alternatives with the final conclusion that
you can do nothing to change the circumstances of the issue out of your reach
and control and that it would be saner and more realistic to free your energy
up by surrendering and letting go of the issue and handing it over to your
Higher Power.


What are the negative effects of not letting go of the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in life?

If you are unable to "let go'' of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in
your life, you could:

Become so obsessed with the need to solve everything on your own that you
run the risk of physical and emotional exhaustion.

Never attain personal serenity and peace by accepting the human condition at
work in your life.

Never establish an effective means of "handing over'' to your Higher Power
the "too big to solve'' issues in your life and thus become bogged down in
"chasing your tail'' in these issues.

Never be at rest, always having these issues stirring up your emotional
resources and energy.

Become anxious, stressed, insecure, and depressed over these issues so much
that your personal effectiveness lessens at home, work, school, or in the
community.

Become obsessed with these issues so much that they are the only topic of
conversation or focus of attention you have in your life.

Be driven by the sense of failure, not being "good enough,'' or guilt for
not fixing the issues and become depressed and very hard in your
self-assessments until you believe that you are the failure who is out of
control and
needing to be changed into a `"perfect,'' all powerful, infallible being.

Become competitive with your Higher Power as the source of wisdom and light
in the lives of those whom you are so desperately trying to control, fix, and
change.

Try to replace God by referring to yourself in terms only appropriate in
describing your Higher Power because of your belief that you have the power to
solve the unsolvable situations in your life. Because of this inflated ego and
incapability of solving the unsolvable, your self-esteem and self-worth take
a beating.

Exacerbate low self-esteem by becoming so obsessed with the sense of shame,
guilt, failure, and incompetence in not being able to solve your unsolvable
problems.

Loss everything of importance by making such great sacrifices to save the
things beyond your control that you lose everything in your life which gave it
meaning including: marriage, money, success, business, jobs, children,
relationships, and even your life.


How is letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables a control issue?

Letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life is a
control issue because:

It de-powers the external "locus of control'' issues in your life and helps
strengthen your internal "locus of control.''

Saves your sanity - unless you let go of those things over which you are
powerless, you run the risk of burning out your emotional and physical energy,
enthusiasm, spirit, resources, and reserves. Letting go is an act by which you
release your need to control every situation, person, place, or thing in
order to ensure that your sanity is not threatened.

Not a power play - instead it is an open admission that you do not need to
exercise power and control over people, places, things or situations which are
not amenable to such efforts.

Enhances self-control - since it frees you up to gain self-control over your
own life without guilt or fear of reprisals by those people, places, or
things which you have let go of.

Unhooks you - since you have not let others' intimidations, manipulation,
overdependency, or helplessness "hook" you into being a "fixer," "caretaker," or
"rescuer" of that which is not amenable to being fixed or helped.

Freedom from Idealism - often due to your idealism and irrational belief
system about how perfect things should be that you get trapped into unhealthy
efforts to solve things which are not solvable and by letting go you gain the
ability to free up and focus on yourself, the one thing you can control and
change.

Detachment oriented - letting go involves detaching from persons, places, or
things which have had emotional "hooks'' on you and threatened your overall
well-being.

Gives power back to the source of our power - by recognizing that there is a
Higher Power to whom you can let go of those things which you are powerless
to control or change is an act of self-control and a step towards self-healing
by getting out of the power struggled with your Higher Power..

Self- Healing - through admitting that you are not omnipotent, infallible,
omniscient or superhuman, you can allow yourself to take control over yourself
once you let go of those things holding you down in a quicksand of
non-coping, self-pity, and "sick" behaviors.


What is the irrational thinking which leads you not to let go of the
uncontrollables and unchangeables in life?

I must solve every problem that comes my way.

Only I can solve these problems.

If I don't solve these problems, I will be seen by others as a failure or no
good.

I need to fix all of these things perfectly and as soon as possible.

There is no one else available who is going to help me solve these problems.

All those people need to do is to follow what I've told them to do.

This place would be ideal if it would only do what I want it to do.

These things wouldn't be so bad off if they had been left to me to take care
of by myself.

They don't know what to do and they need me to tell them.

They can't do anything right without me. If they lose or fail, it will
reflect badly on me.

What would others think if things didn't work out the way they were supposed
to?

I've only known crisis, chaos, and panic in my life so why should I expect
any peace, calmness, or serenity if I leave them to take care of themselves?

I must make everything better around here or else I'll go crazy.

If I let go too soon, things might change and I'd be sorry for releasing
them too prematurely.

If I let go of them, I might lose them.

If I stop trying to fix and change them, they would no longer need me and
leave me.

There must be a way to turn them around and I can't give up yet.

What if they blame me for not taking care of them if they fail or fall flat
on their faces?

I'd rather sacrifice myself than have them blame me later for not helping
them.

They are so irresponsible they would never do it on their own.


How to improve letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your
life

In order to let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life,
you need to follow the words of the Prayer for Serenity by Reinhold Niebuhr.

God grant me the serenity

This requires that you establish a healthy spirituality and relationship
with your Higher Power to whom you can let go of the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in your life.

To accept the things I cannot change

You need to be realistic and rational and accept that you can change only
your feelings and attitudes about things which you are powerless to change.

Courage to change the things I can

You need to accept personal responsibility for your own life, thinking,
emotions, and actions. You need to take care of yourself better. You need to
stop
being a martyr, fixer, rescuer, advice giver, and enabler.

Wisdom to know the difference

You need to allow your Higher Power a place in your life along with
correcting your unhealthy, irrational and unrealistic thinking so that you can
better
discern what is uncontrollable and unchangeable in your life.

Living one day at a time

You need to be patient and not want total self-change or recovery overnight.
You need to let go of the need for immediate gratification.

Enjoying one moment at a time

You need to relax and smell the roses. Have fun! Tune into your inner child
and enjoy life for what it is rather than for how you want it to be.

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace

You need to recognize that you are a human. It is only by fully accepting
and admitting your humanness, imperfection, and inability to control and change
every person, place, or thing in your life that will you be able to achieve
peace and serenity for yourself.

Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it

You need to accept that life cannot be as perfect as you would like it since
every person, place, and thing is imperfect because the human condition is
this way. You need to become realistic as to what is really possible in your
lifetime if you are to be free of stress, anxiety, and tension.

Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will

In letting go of the uncontrollable and unchangeable people, places and
things in your life, you need to hand them over to your Higher Power. You need
to
have a strong spiritual belief, take the risk, and have trust that your
Higher Power is strong enough to handle these problems. By handing them over no
answers are guaranteed, but at least you have unburdened the crushing weight of
these concerns off your shoulders.

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You
forever in the next.

By letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life you have
allowed these people, places, and things to be responsible for themselves
which takes a tremendous burden off you. By freeing yourself of this huge
burden, you will appreciate life more for what it is. You will have the energy
and
strength to pursue your own interests. You will be able to relax and have
fun. You will be free to pursue your spiritual life with your Higher Power now
and forever.


Steps to letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in life

Step 1: You first need to identify all of the people, places, things, and
situations over which you have no control and cannot change. In your journal,
identify under each category what or who it is and reason why it is
uncontrollable and/or unchangeable.

Category Reason why uncontrollable and/or unchangeable
People 1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
Places 1. 1.
2. 2,
3. 3,
Things 1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
Situations 1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.

Step 2: For each person, place, thing, and situation listed in Step 1, you
need to answer the following questions.

A. What irrational thinking keeps you hooked at trying to control and/or
change them?

B. What benefit do you gain from holding onto the need to control and/or
change them?

C. What do you lose by holding onto the need to control and/or change them?

D. What would you lose by letting go of them?

E. What would you gain by letting go of them?

F. What keeps you stuck or hooked and prevents your letting go of them?

G. How would they react to your letting go of the need to control and/or
change them?

H. How would their reaction make you feel?

I. What do you need different in your life in order to let go of them?

J. When do you expect you will be ready to let go of the need to control
and/or change them?

Step 3: Once you have analyzed your relationship with each of the
uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life, you need to address your belief
in your
Higher Power over to whom you are letting go of them. In your journal answer
the following questions.

A. Who is your Higher Power?

B. How strong is your trust and belief in your Higher Power?

C. How will your Higher Power handle each of your uncontrollables and
unchangeables?

D. How do you feel about the outcome of letting your Higher Power have the
burden of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life?

E. What can your Higher Power do differently than you with these people,
places, things, and situations?

F. How will these people, places, and things react to your handing them
over to your Higher Power?

G. What are your plans about following up on your Higher Power and
monitoring those that you have let go of?

H. How will you gain serenity and peace from letting go of your burdens to
your Higher Power?

I. What will your Higher Power do for you once you let go of these
pressures, tensions, and burdens?

J. How ready are you to hand over your uncontrollables and unchangeables
to your Higher Power?

Step 4: Once you have accepted your Higher Power as the source of strength
to whom to let go of your uncontrollables and unchangeables, then actively take
each one off your shoulders and hand them over. This includes allowing the
people, places, and things to be responsible for their own thinking, emotions,
and actions without your interference, help, fixing, rescuing, advice
giving, correction, or enabling.

Step 5: Keep letting go on a day to day basis using Reinhold Niebuhr's
Prayer for Serenity as your guide.

God, grant me serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

enjoying one moment at a time,

accepting hardships as a pathway to peace

taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,

not as I would have it,

trusting that You will make all things right

if I surrender to Your will.

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with You forever

in the next.

Amen

Step 6: If you continue to have a problem letting go of the uncontrollables
and unchangeables in your life, return to Step 1 and begin again.







HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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