2: Tools for Handling Control Issues

What are some myths and realities about control?

Myth: The more I exercise control on others, the more control I'll have in
life.

Reality: Because others are free to accept or reject your control, the
resulting dynamic tension between the controlled and controller creates a
circumstance in life which is more out of control than you first desired. The
more
you let go of control over others, the more control you will have over your
internal locus of control.


Myth: I am not controlling people when I am helping them or trying to fix
things for them.

Reality: You are controlling them, however, when you are fixing or helping
them and they are not taking personal responsibility and control of their own
lives as a result of your assistance.


Myth: If I manipulate others to do what I want them to do, this is not
controlling them.

Reality: You are exercising them to do what you want because they are not of
their own free will deciding to do what it is you want them to do.


Myth: I am not controlling others if they are unintentionally intimidated by
me and go along with what I want them to do.

Reality: If you are unintentionally placed in an external locus of control
position by others, they have put you in a position of power over them. You are
in control over them even though you are not aware of this at the time.


Myth: I should be in control of everything that is important in my life.

Reality: Unfortunately you are powerless to control most people, places, and
things in your life since you can only be fully in control of your internal
locus of control and your own thoughts, emotions, and actions.


Myth: I should hold onto and help the people in my life whom I see are
having problems taking care of themselves in acceptable, self-responsible and
self-controlling ways.

Reality: The more you try to hold onto these people, the harder they will
pull away or the weaker and more dependent on you they will become. It is better
to become emotionally detached from their problems and let them solve them
on their own so that they still can relate to you in a free and open way.


Myth: Other people will condemn me if I become detached from the people
close to me.

Reality: It makes no difference what others think about you. What is
important is helping the people in your life to become more self-responsible and
self-controlling of their own lives.


Myth: I should never let go of those things I am trying to control and
change because if I do I'd be considered a failure.

Reality: Your struggle to control and change things outside of your internal
locus of control is going to wear you down and possibly break you. You will
be healthier, happier, and more in control of your life if you let go of the
uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life.


Myth: If I love someone, I should always be there of them even if they
become a little dependent on me for a while.

Reality: You're a person who could possibly love a person so much that you
contribute to that person's inability to become self-responsible and in
self-control of life. In reality your love may make the person overdependent on
you. Love is learning to let go of the uncontrollable and unchangeable people in
your life.


Myth: When people are helpless, I should step in and take over to help them
get on their feet.

Reality: People might appear helpless to helpless to you but they often have
inner reserves of competence, skills, and ability to solve their own
problems. If you take over their problems for them, this might disable them from
being productive problem solvers and agents for their own change. By always
taking over, you encourage their overdependence on you.


Myth: When things are not going the way they should, I should take control
of the situation to make it the way it's supposed to be.

Reality: You are being irrationally led by your dreams, fantasies,
tradition, and promises of how life should be. In your idealism you can become
so
overcontrolling as to ensure opposite desired reality will occur


Myth: I should take care of things because they will happen the way they are
supposed to.

Reality: A caretaker works hard at being sure that everything is the way it
is supposed to be for everyone. This overcontrolling behavior succeeds in
disabling people who are being cared for and then things are never the way they
are supposed to be. You never get what you really want when you are
overcontrolling.


Steps to handling the need to control

In order for you to be better able to handle the need to control, follow
these steps.

Step 1: First, identify what control issues you need to work on in order to
have the ability to let go of the need to control. To identify the issues,
use the topics from this book to help you identify what you need to work on.
Put an "X'' next to those issues you need more work on.

___ Intimidation

___ Idealism

___ Need to fix

___ Caretaker behaviors

___ Accepting powerlessness

___ Letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables

___ Developing detachment

___ Unconditional acceptance and love

___ Overdependency

___ Manipulation

___ Dealing with suicide

___ Survival behaviors

___ Developing self-control

Step 2: Identify how you overuse control in your life and identify the
irrational reasons why you do this. In your journal review the reasons you
checked why you control people, places, and things and then identify what
irrational, unhealthy thinking explains why this is so.

Step 3: Next identify how you control others to do for you what you
could do for yourself. Identify in your journal the items you checked in
Section
II of this Chapter and then identify the irrational, unhealthy thinking that
explains why this is so.

Step 4: Next identify how others control you to do for them what they
could do for themselves. Identify in your journal the items you checked for
others in Section II of this Chapter. Then identify your irrational and
unhealthy thinking that allows you to let them control you in this way.

Step 5: Next identify how you control your emotional response to life.
In your journal respond to the following questions which are based on your
responses to Section III of this Chapter.

A. How well do you control your emotional response to life?

B. How much power do you give to other persons, places, and things to
affect your thinking, feelings and actions?

C. How often are your feelings out of control? How does it make you feel
to recognize your feelings are out of control?

D. What irrational thinking underlies the over or undercontrol of your
emotional life?

Step 6: Next you need to determine where you currently place the locus
of control in your life. To do this, respond to this inventory by putting an
"X'' next to the statements which are usually true for you.

___ A. You are able to maintain control of your belief in yourself as a
good and worthwhile person despite what others tell you about yourself.

___ B. You accept and love yourself unconditionally at all times even in
the midst of troubles, problems, failure, and pressure.

___ C. You give no one but you the power to influence how you think, feel
and act.

___ D. You do not need other people's approval, recognition, and
acceptance in order to believe in yourself as a good and worthy person.

___ E. Your self-esteem is strong enough that you rarely are emotionally
affected by what people say to or about you.

___ F. You are not affected emotionally about the response others give
you when you assertively let them know how you feel even if the feelings are
angry or negative in nature.

___ G. You are able to openly assert your anger and negativity in a
constructive way with others.

___ H. You are not intimidated to say how you feel by the loss of
approval or loss of acceptance from someone who might not like what you have to
say.

___ I. You do not feel dependent financially, emotionally, or physically
on any person other than yourself and thus feel free to speak freely and let
others know what you think, feel or do.

___ J. You are able to openly admit when you have made an error or
mistake or when you have experienced a failure in life.

If you were only able to check 7 or fewer of these items, your locus of
control is more external than internal. If you had a healthy internal locus of
control, you would have checked all but one or two of the items. If your locus
of control is external, then you need to work at strengthening your belief in
yourself by self-affirmations and self-esteem enhancement work. Begin to tell
yourself:

A. I am a good person who needs only my own approval, recognition, and
acceptance.

B. I accept and love myself unconditionally.

C. I am a worthwhile person deserving to be respected and given a chance to
succeed in life.

D. I am a good person on my own.

E. I can make it on my own if I need to.

F. I will work at controlling and changing only me and my outlook on life.

G. I am the source of approval and recognition I need to succeed.

H. I think I can be less controlling of others.

I. I know I can be less controlling of others.

J. I know I will be in more control of my own life.

Step 7: Next you need to rid yourself of the myths about control. You
need to accept that the less control you exercise over other people, places,
and
things the more control you will have in your own life.

Step 8: You next need to work through the next 14 chapters of this book.

Step 9: If you find you still are having problems with control issues
after completing this entire book, return to Step 1 and begin again.


What is intimidation?

Intimidation is:

Threatening to use power or control to get others to do what you want them
to do.

Using coercion or force to get what you want from others.

Making others feel like you are more powerful or forceful than what you
really are.

Wearing a mask of being "untouchable'' so that people keep an emotional
distance from you and yet do for you what you desire.

Using verbal and nonverbal cues to let others know you are not going to
reward any unfaithfulness to what you desire them to do for you.

Using verbally, physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive behaviors to
get people to "stay in line.''

Using physical size, stature, and strength to get others to respect and obey
you.

Using punishments such as firing, poor evaluations, divorce, spanking,
physical fights to get people to do what you want.

Using quick temper, anger, or rage to get people to do what you want.

Holding your knowledge, level of education, number of degrees over the heads
of others to get them to listen to and obey you.

Convincing others that you are the "only one'' with enough experience,
wisdom, intellect, and insight to give direction or to have the "correct''
answers
to life's problems.

Acting in such a way that no one would dare question or stand up to you over
any of your decisions, opinions, or directives.

Using your money, wealth, or status to put others into their place so that
your power over them is secured and not questioned.

Keeping others loyal to you by threats of pulling back your support, love,
caring, interest, or approval of them.

Using dictatorial, Gestapo, or autocratic behaviors to get people to do what
you want.

Unintentional verbal or nonverbal cues which put people on guard when they
are with you.


What are the negative effects of intimidation?

If you continue to use intimidation to control others, then you will:

Find people developing emotional barriers in their relationships with you so
that they are no longer vulnerable to being hurt by your control.

Be at risk of being accused as being emotionally, verbally, physically, or
sexually abusive in your dealings with others.

Find that the costs of "getting your way'' all of the time are greater than
you expected when you find yourself lonely and disconnected from others.

Believe that the only goal in life is succeeding in getting your way at any
cost and become totally consumed in the pursuit of acquiring power, control,
position, and status.

Run the risk of becoming a pathetic, lonely, isolated person with few close
relationships and many enemies out to get their revenge against you.

Experience a great deal of passive aggressiveness thrown your way by the
people you are trying to control.

Risk becoming more absolute and rigid in your exercise of power and control
and become more defensive about any personal criticism of your actions or
beliefs.

Begin to prefer "rejecting'' people before they reject you and find yourself
becoming increasingly socially isolated and alienated from others.

Not be accepted, approved of or sought after by others who will never get a
chance to see the "real you'' whom you've locked behind your intimidating
mask.

Feel like you're really a "teddy bear'' underneath it all and bemoan that
people never take the time to get to know this side of you. You might even lie
and say you don't care if they never get to know that side of you, even though
emotionally you know differently.

Run the risk of becoming more depressed as you become more isolated and find
that your anger and rage flare ups increase.

Experience even lower self-esteem due to the lack of acceptance by others.


How is intimidation a control issue?

Intimidation is a control issue because it:

Places the "locus of control'' not "internally" on the person who is doing
what you want them to do but "externally" on you the intimidator.

Is an attempt to get others to do what you want them to do.

Involves use of control strategies such as threats, pressure, power, force,
or coercion.

Gets others to do what you want not because they freely want to do it but
because of your control over them.

Uses the power of the fear of your rejection, disapproval, and anger to get
others to comply with your requests.

Robs free choice and free will from those people whom you have intimidated.

Makes others victims of your power and control needs.

Does not always occur intentionally and can occur when a person gives you
power and control to get what you want because they feel intimidated by your
size, behavior, demeanor, anger, intellect, verbal skills, etc.

Is a shifting of the power over oneself to being under the power of another,
be it done intentionally or not.

Weakens the will to survive in those who feel beaten down, abused and
oppressed by the intimidator.


What irrational thinking leads to the use of intimidation of others?

I will use whatever it takes to get them to obey me.

No one will ever get away with showing a lack of respect for my position of
authority, leadership, and dominance.

People should always do what I tell them no matter what.

I would feel out of control and weak if people didn't always do what I
wanted them to do.

They owe me respect, obedience, and compliance with all of my requests
because I am in charge of them.

What I say goes around here. No if's, and's, or but's. You hear that!

I know more than they do so they should listen to me and do what I tell them
to do.

They owe it to me. After all, look at all I have done for them.

If they dare question or buck me on this, they will have to leave here.

No one has a right around here to ignore me or my requests since I earn the
money which they need.

Just step out of line once and I'll knock your head off.

People only respond to threats, coercion, and power plays around here.

I get more out of people when I get angry at them.

As long as I am the strongest or most intelligent or the wealthiest around
here, they will do what I tell them to do.

It takes too much time to get consensus or compromise, so as long as they do
what I want we'll all be happy around here.

They are sick people and I am the only healthy one around here, so they
should follow my advice and direction.

They are non-informed, intellectually inferior, and poorly educated, so they
should listen to me.

The only way to get things done is to ride them hard and long.

You don't get anywhere by listening to other's opinions about what needs to
be done since they will disagree with what you want done and you'll have to
force them to do what you want done anyway.

There is no reason why I need to give them the freedom to do what they want
to do. After all, what have they done for me?


What can you do to eliminate intimidating others?

If you desire to eliminate intimidating others, try the following steps.

First: If you are unclear if you are intimidating to others, then you first
need to ask the people in your life if they find you intimidating.

Second: Once you are clear that you are intimidating either by feedback from
the people in your life or by your experience of people reacting to you as
if they were intimidated, then you need to identify what about you is
intimidating. To do this, make an inventory of your behaviors, attitudes,
nonverbal
cues, appearance to others, educational level, wealth, position of leadership,
sexual attitudes, which are or may be intimidating to the people in your
life.

Third: After you have identified your intimidating personal
characteristics, then determine if you are intentionally or non-intentionally
intimidating to the people you listed. It is important to be realistic with
yourself
that you can be intimidating to others even if you don't intend to be.

Fourth: Next, assess the negative impact and negative consequences of your
intentional or non-intentional intimidation on the people you identified.

Fifth: After assessing the impact of your intimidating characteristics, you
next need to assess what if any irrational, unhealthy, and non-reality-based
thinking and beliefs contribute to your intimidating others.

Sixth: Now identify healthy, rational, and reality-based thinking which will
contribute to the cessation of your need to intimidate the people you
listed.

Seventh: Next, identify new behaviors you can use with the people you listed
so as to reduce the intimidation they experience from you.

Eighth: Next, identify what you could do to lessen the non-intentional
intimidation factors you have on others such as: your educational level,
intellect, wealth, career status, physical size, physical attractiveness, your
emotional wellness, religious beliefs, gender and status in the community.

Ninth: Now you are ready to inform each person in your life whom you no
longer want to intimidate that you want the real or appearance of your control,
power, dominance, and coercion over them to cease. You can ask them to
continue to give you feedback and "call you on it'' when you are intimidating
them.

Tenth: Begin to initiate the non-intimidating behaviors and strategies which
you identified above.

Eleventh: Monitor the response you are receiving from the people in your
life and continuously solicit feedback from them if they find you intimidating.

Twelfth: If people in your life still find you intimidating, then return
to First step and begin again.


Steps to eliminate intimidating other?

Step 1: In order to cease being intimidating to others, you first need to
assess what you do, how you behave, who you are, and what about you is
intimidating. To do this, use the Intimidating Factors Inventory.

Intimidating Factors Inventory PART 1

Rate the following as to how true they are for you. Circle the number which
correctly identifies you.

1 = Never intimidating

2 = Rarely intimidating

3 = Frequently intimidating

4 = Almost always intimidating

5 = Always intimidating


1 2 3 4 5 ( 1) My loud gruff voice

1 2 3 4 5 ( 2) My body size

1 2 3 4 5 ( 3) My height

1 2 3 4 5 ( 4) My sexual identity

1 2 3 4 5 ( 5) My physical strength

1 2 3 4 5 ( 6) My skin color

1 2 3 4 5 ( 7) My highest educational achievement

1 2 3 4 5 ( 8) The title of my profession or career

1 2 3 4 5 ( 9) The title on my job

1 2 3 4 5 (10) My salary

1 2 3 4 5 (11) My financial worth

1 2 3 4 5 (12) Where I live

1 2 3 4 5 (13) Status of community in which I live

1 2 3 4 5 (14) Size of my house

1 2 3 4 5 (15) The car I drive

1 2 3 4 5 (16) My IQ

1 2 3 4 5 (17) The knowledge, skills, and abilities I possess

1 2 3 4 5 (18) My level of caring for others

1 2 3 4 5 (19) My openness and honesty

1 2 3 4 5 (20) My ability to self disclose my weaknesses and
failing

1 2 3 4 5 (21) My high self-esteem

1 2 3 4 5 (22) My age

1 2 3 4 5 (23) My life experience

1 2 3 4 5 (24) The people I know

1 2 3 4 5 (25) The group I hang around with

1 2 3 4 5 (26) My religious beliefs and convictions

1 2 3 4 5 (27) My social connections

1 2 3 4 5 (28) The clothes I wear

1 2 3 4 5 (29) The clubs I belong to

1 2 3 4 5 (30) My political beliefs and persuasions

1 2 3 4 5 (31) When I am angry

1 2 3 4 5 (32) When I am assertive

1 2 3 4 5 (33) When I am aggressive

1 2 3 4 5 (34) When I am threatening others

1 2 3 4 5 (35) When I am yelling, ranting, and raving

1 2 3 4 5 (36) When I am emotionally abusive

1 2 3 4 5 (37) When I am physically abusive

1 2 3 4 5 (38) When I am sexually abusive

1 2 3 4 5 (39) When I am verbally abusive

1 2 3 4 5 (40) When I am lecturing others

1 2 3 4 5 (41) When I start breaking things

1 2 3 4 5 (42) When I am warning others of dire consequences

1 2 3 4 5 (43) When I pull rank on others

1 2 3 4 5 (44) When I belittle others

1 2 3 4 5 (45) When I threaten to cut off financial support

1 2 3 4 5 (46) When I threaten to cut off emotional support

1 2 3 4 5 (47) When I threaten to cut off physical affection

1 2 3 4 5 (48) When I threaten to cut off communication

1 2 3 4 5 (49) When I threaten to reveal the negative truth about
others

1 2 3 4 5 (50) When I threaten to kill self or others if they
don't do what I want them to do

Intimidating Factors Inventory PART 2

Rate the following as to how true they are for you. Circle the number which
correctly identifies you.

1 = Never intimidating

2 = Rarely intimidating

3 = Frequently intimidating

4 = Almost always intimidating

5 = Always intimidating

1 2 3 4 5 (51) When I am sarcastic

1 2 3 4 5 (52) When I am cynical

1 2 3 4 5 (53) When I gossip about people

1 2 3 4 5 (54) When I share secrets others have told me

1 2 3 4 5 (55) When I get animated, enthusiastic and energized

1 2 3 4 5 (56) When I want to attain a goal very badly

1 2 3 4 5 (57) When I become adamant about a point

1 2 3 4 5 (58) When I act competitive

1 2 3 4 5 (59) When I raise my voice

1 2 3 4 5 (60) When I have a temper tantrum

1 2 3 4 5 (61) When I act "better than thou''

1 2 3 4 5 (62) When I threaten to reject people

1 2 3 4 5 (63) When I threaten to take away my approval of people

1 2 3 4 5 (64) When I have a hard time comprehending how people
could feel the way they do

1 2 3 4 5 (65) When I am unforgiving of another

1 2 3 4 5 (66) When I bring up the hurtful past

1 2 3 4 5 (67) When I seek out help for myself

1 2 3 4 5 (68) When I admit our relationship has problems and do
something about it

1 2 3 4 5 (69) When I begin to change "old sick'' behaviors to
"new healthier'' behaviors

1 2 3 4 5 (70) When I ask others to help me be less intimidating
to them

1 2 3 4 5 (71) When I am happy

1 2 3 4 5 (72) When I am having fun

1 2 3 4 5 (73) When I allow my inner child to have fun

1 2 3 4 5 (74) When I am enjoying life

1 2 3 4 5 (75) When I act unpredictably

1 2 3 4 5 (76) Because I was an alcoholic

1 2 3 4 5 (77) Because I am chronically ill

1 2 3 4 5 (78) Because I am insecure

1 2 3 4 5 (79) Because I am shy and stay to myself

1 2 3 4 5 (80) Because I was a drug addict

1 2 3 4 5 (81) Because I am terminally ill

1 2 3 4 5 (82) Because I have cancer or AIDS

1 2 3 4 5 (83) Because I am physically disabled

1 2 3 4 5 (84) Because I am mentally disabled

1 2 3 4 5 (85) Because I am emotionally disabled

1 2 3 4 5 (86) Because I am learning disabled

1 2 3 4 5 (87) Because I am obese

1 2 3 4 5 (88) Because I am physically disfigured

1 2 3 4 5 (89) Because I am divorced

1 2 3 4 5 (90) Because I am from a dysfunctional family

1 2 3 4 5 (91) When I am physically sick

1 2 3 4 5 (92) When I am exhausted

1 2 3 4 5 (93) When I feel weak

1 2 3 4 5 (94) When I complain too much

1 2 3 4 5 (95) When I want revenge over a real or perceived wrong

1 2 3 4 5 (96) When I am "cause oriented''

1 2 3 4 5 (97) When I always try to have the "correct answer''

1 2 3 4 5 (98) When I am overly solicitous

1 2 3 4 5 (99) When I am overly sympathetic

1 2 3 4 5 (100) When I am giving advice

Step 2: Once you have evaluated your intimidating factors, seek input from
others in your life about whether you intimidate them and how you do it. Use
the Intimidating Factor Inventory to assist them to identify how you intimidate
them.

Identify the people by the following categories:

Spouse(s) (current and former)

Children (natural and step)

Parents (natural and step)

In-laws (current and former)

Brothers and sisters (natural and step)

Other extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins)

Friends (girlfriends and boyfriends)

School mates

Co-workers on job

Supervisors or bosses or employers

Supervisees or employees

Clients or customers

Neighbors

Acquaintances

Step 3: Once you have conducted the poll of the people in your life, then
you can determine the following questions. Answer these in your journal.

A. Which category of people do you intimidate the most?

B. Which people do you intentionally intimidate?

C. What factors do you use when you set out to intimidate?

D. Which people do you unintentionally intimidate?

E. What factors cause others to be intimidated by you when you in reality
don't set out to intimidate?

F. What irrational, unhealthy, and non-reality-based thinking and beliefs
are reasons why you intentionally set out to intimidate people?

G. How does the intimidation people experience from you influence the
relationships you have with these people?

H. Is the nature of the problems any different if the intimidation is
intentional or not?

I. What new, healthier, more rational, more reality-based thinking and
beliefs do you need in order to stop intentionally intimidating others?

J. What new behaviors could you develop to cease intimidating people
either intentionally or not?

Step 4: Now that you have looked at plans to eliminate your intimidation of
others, you need to involve the people you currently intimidate in a plan of
action to "call you on it'' if they feel intimidated in the future by some
factor they perceive in you.

Step 5: Initiate your new thinking and behaving to be less intimidating to
others be it intentional or unintentional.

Step 6: If you get feedback or realize on your own that you still are
intimidating others, then return to Step 1 and begin over again.


Steps to eliminate allowing others to intimidate you?

Step 1: You need to first recognize if you are being or have been
intimidated. In your journal, list examples from your past and present of the
following.

A. When were you intimidated?

B. Who are the people who have in the past or currently do intimidate you?

C. Review the Intimidating Factors Inventory in this chapter and, for each
person who is an intimidator, identify the factors involved which were or are
intimidating.

D. For each person's intimidating factors, you need to identify if they were
intentional or non-intentional.

E. For each person, identify how your being intimidated had or has affected
your relationship with the person.

F. For each person identify the irrational, unhealthy, and
non-reality-based thinking of yours which has contributed to your allowing this
person's "factors'' to intimidate you.

Step 2: Once you have determined the extent to which your irrational,
unhealthy, and non-reality-based thinking has contributed to your allowing each
of
the people in Step 1 to intimidate you, then in your journal do the following.

A. Identify new, healthy, rational, and realistic beliefs and thinking to
handle and respond to the intimidating factors of the person.

B. Identify new, healthy, assertive, rational, and realistic behaviors you
can now display with this person so as to reflect that you are not as
intimidated as you once were.

C. Identify contingency responses in case the person responds negatively to
your assertive, non-intimidated behaviors.

D. Identify the negative or positive consequences of your new behaviors of
assertion and non-intimidation with each person.

E. Make a commitment with yourself to accept whatever the consequence might
be for freeing yourself up from the intentional or non-intentional
intimidation of this person.

Step 3: Now you are ready to act in a new, less intimidated way with
each person. As you proceed, use positive self-talk of I am, I can, and I will
to strengthen your desire to no longer be intimidated. Some examples are:

I am a good person and deserve better.
Every person is a human being and I will not need to put people in a
superhuman position over me.
I am deserving of the power over my own life.
I will take back the power over my life from people who intimidate me.
No one can or will intimidate me.
Step 4: Monitor your progress at being assertive and non-intimidated with
people. If you fall back into the old way of responding, return to Step 1 and
begin again.







HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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