6: Tools for Handling Control Issues

*WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE FURTHER BELOW!


What is helplessness?

Helplessness is the:

Learned behavior by which you have been able to "hook'' people into caring
for and nurturing you.

Attention getting, as a vehicle by which you were able to get your ignoring
or neglecting caretakers in the past to pay attention to you.

Sympathy provoking, by a composite of physical illness, academic problems,
failures, work problems, and relationship troubles which have drawn the
attention, support, and caring for you from other people, places, and things.

Manipulative tool, a vehicle by which you have manipulated people, places,
and things to allow you to remain overdependent on them.

False sense of incompetence, by making others believe that you lack the
competence, intellect, skills, and abilities to handle your own problems.

Fear of success driven, mask behind which you hide your fear of success so
that others are convinced that you can't succeed when in reality you are afraid
of succeeding.

Lack of self-trust, inability to establish a sense of trust in yourself so
that you can open yourself up to be vulnerable to hurt and failure by taking a
risk to "do for'' yourself rather than to rely on others to "do it'' for you.

Locked into little boy'' or "little girl'' mask which has gained you a lot
of approval in your adult life but it is not a helpful coping mechanism to deal
with the problematic realities of life.

Refusal to "grow up'' and be an adult because then you would be held
responsible for the outcome of your life which responsibility you desire to
avoid
for fear of failure.

Mask for the anger and rage you have inside of you for being expected to be
mature, personally responsible, and self-approving in your adult life when in
your child life you feel you were too neglected, ignored, and non-approved
and now want others to do for you what you need to do for yourself.

Diverting attention, use of humor, entertaining, and mascot behaviors
diverts attention from the need for you to take personal responsibility for your
own life.

Sympathy provoking, acting out in a way which draws others' sympathy and
compassion but in reality is a manipulative ploy to get them to do for you what
you don't want to do for yourself.


What are the negative effects of helplessness?

If you continue to function in a helpless way, then you could experience
these factors in your life:

Treated as disabled, since you could become disabled by other people's
attitude towards you because they do not believe you are capable of doing
anything
on your own.

Overdependency oriented, since you become overdependent on caretakers to
help you to overcome the negative impact of your problems.

Seen as incompetent, since you convince yourself that you are indeed as
incapable as you project yourself to others.

Fear of success driven, since you fear stepping out on your own, to pursue
anything that you are convinced you are not capable of handling on your own.

Miserable existence and lose your potential to have a happy and content
existence convinced that there are forces in the world always trying to handicap
and keep you down

Impairs self-esteem, and you become convinced that no matter how hard you
try to do things you are never "good enough'' to succeed.

Victim role, and become locked into a "victim'' mold of existence always
needing a "rescuer'' to help you to overcome the negative impact of the negative
"perpetrators'' in your life.

Atrophying skills, since you find that your inherent competencies, skills,
and abilities wither and atrophy from non-use.

Locked in the "yes, but'' attitude whenever you are being presented with
viable alternatives and solutions to your problems so much so that you drive
people away from wanting to help you in the future because of your pessimistic
or fatalistic outlook on your problems and the frustration they experience in
having you reject all of their offers of help, advice, and support.

Found to be a fraud, and figured out by others as a person who doesn't want
to become self-sufficient and independent and it could be recognized that your
asking for help is simply a ploy to control them to keep them from choosing
to leave you alone to solve your own problem.

Unappealing to healthy people, because you project an image of being frail,
weak, and non-confident, thus making yourself unappealing to people who desire
to have a mature adult relationship with you.

"Hook'' "caretakers'' and "fixers'' to take care of you and you could run
through a series of new ones in turn after you have been dropped by
"recovering'' persons who see you for what you are.

Overly depressed and despondent because you run out of people to "take care
of you'' and despair because you are in reality no longer competent to take
care of yourself.

Low self-esteem becomes more exacerbated as you continue to believe and put
out the myth of being helpless to care for yourself.


How is helplessness a control issue?

Acting helpless is a control issue because you experience these realities:

Looks like other have control over you, by your helpless acting you look as
if you are willing to transfer the "locus of control'' from your hands into
the hands of others when in reality you are in control of those people who
think they have this control over you. It is a form of controlling others even
when they don't believe they are being controlled. (After all, how can a
"helpless'' person be a controller?)

Learned behavior by which you have gained attention and the ability to
control the efforts and energy of others on your behalf.

Mask of helplessness by which you are able to manipulate others to "fix,''
"rescue'' or care for you when in fact you have the resources to do so for
yourself.

Power position whenever you run across an "addicted fixer'' or "caretaker,''
or "addicted'' rescuer or enabler because you meet their needs and can
almost dictate the extent to which they can help you to avoid taking personal
responsibility for your own life.

Mask of powerless, it appears out of control and powerless, when in reality
it is a manipulative ploy to gain power and control over others' thinking,
feeling and actions.

Physically debilitating when you are willing to let go of control over your
physical well-being even if it means you become physically sick to the point
of chronically ill in order to get people to attend and care for you.

Extremely overcontrolling, when you can resort to intimidation, coercion, or
suicidal threats and gestures if people are not responsive to your claims of
being helpless.

"Survival'' technique by which you were able to survive by controlling the
environment, situation, people, or things in the past which were a threat to
you and your existence.

Dramatic ploy which you have learned so well that you can call upon it
whenever you feel you are losing control or power over someone who is
threatening
to "detach'' from or "let go'' of you.

Self deceiving role, since you can get so lost in the mask and belief of
your helplessness that you no longer take control over your own life and hand
over this power to others in your life.

Sells self short, since you have stopped exercising your right to care for
yourself so much that you are locked into selling yourself short so that you
can depend on others to take control of your life and needs.


What irrational thinking leads to helplessness?

If I am no longer in need of others help or support, then how will anybody
ever find me appealing enough to be loved and cared for?

There is no way I will ever be able to get myself out of this mess.

How would I know since nobody ever told me?

I don't know how to do what I need to do for myself because I was never
taught this.

I don't have the ability to be supportive of your feelings since I don't
know how I feel nor can I identify my feelings.

How can I be supportive of your feelings when I am so overwhelmed in my own
problems?

If people hadn't abandoned me, then I would have been able to solve these
problems.

People are basically selfish and they don't care about you.

People will only show interest in you when you are sick, in grief, hurting,
or perceived as a failure or loser.

The only time people give me attention is when I'm not capable of helping
myself.

Since no one really cares about me when I'm healthy, then I must only be
worth something when I'm sick or in trouble.

No matter what I do, I'll be abandoned anyway so why should I change?

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, so why should I try?

If they really loved and cared about me, they would do it for me.

I've never been able to do it before so what makes them think I can do it
now?

I'm a weak, frail, human person and people can't expect me to get strong
overnight.

I've only been in my recovery program for such a short time. How can you
expect me to start doing for myself yet?

Don't pressure me to change. I become immobilized under pressure.


How to overcome helplessness

In order for you to reduce your sense of helplessness and to begin to become
more self-sufficient, competent, and self-confident, you need to try to do
the following self-help activities.

First: Identify those problems, obstacles, fears, or issues over which you
feel helpless and identify what beliefs keep you locked into being helpless for
each one.

Second: Develop a new belief system that encourages you to recognize that
being independent, competent, self-confident, and capable of helping, "fixing,''
and changing yourself is healthy, desirable, and necessary for you.

Third: Learn what "normal'' coping behaviors are from others who are in a
healthier place than yourself.

Fourth: Practice healthy coping, problem-solving, fear-desensitizing, and
conflict-resolving behaviors.

Fifth: Build on your successes at being an independent, free-standing
self-helper, self-coper, and self-healer.

Sixth: Remember that success breeds success and be sure to reinforce
yourself for all of your successes even if they be small ones.

Seventh: Accept that relapse is part of the recovery process and get back
with your program of self-help if you should slip or fall back to your old mold
of helplessness.

Eighth: Call upon your Higher Power to give you the courage, strength, and
persistence necessary to gain self-sufficiency to cope with your life.

Ninth: Give permission to your network of support to "call you on'' any
lapses back into a "helpless'' mode of being.

Tenth: When you get angry about "always having to do it on your own,'' do
anger workouts to ventilate these emotions which are traps waiting to draw you
back into your old attention-seeking, helpless role in life.

Eleventh: Parent your "inner child'' by nurturing and self-loving
self-scripts and allow your "inner child'' to grow to be a healthy adult by
giving it
the freedom to make a mistake or fail in its attempts at self-help.

Twelfth: Develop a sense of patience to accept that it takes time (an entire
lifetime) to fully rid yourself of a sense of helplessness since it is often
such an ingrained, automatic habit of acting, thinking and feeling for you.

Thirteenth: Let go of your perfectionistic need to be `"healed perfectly''
since it traps you to give up if at first you don't do it exactly right.

Fourteenth: Emotionally detach from all "fixers,'' advice givers, rescuers,
and enablers in your life so as not to fall into their need for you to be
helpless in order for them to relate to you.

Fifteenth: Stop hiding behind all your old excuses, beliefs, and cliches
about why you can't possibly help yourself.

Sixteenth: Have a farewell party or wake for the "old you'' who was wrapped
up in self-pity, self-doubt, and self-abasement.

Seventeenth: Let go of that "old you'' and as in any death grieve all of the
losses involved in no longer benefiting from the old role of helplessness.

Eighteenth: Embrace the "new you'' who is more self-competent, self-helping,
self-healing, self-respecting, self-confident, and self-enhancing and
recognize all of the healthy, normal, natural, beneficial consequences of
living
your life in this way.


Steps to overcoming helplessness

Step 1: You first need to identify in your journal the following.

A. With whom do you usually function as a "helpless'' person?

B. What are the issues involved with you and these people over which you are
helpless?

C. How would you define each of these people? Who are the fixers? The
rescuers? The advice givers? The enablers? The caretakers? The gurus? The
professional helpers upon whom you have become emotionally dependent?

D. What irrational, unhealthy beliefs keep you in your role of helplessness
with each of these people and in each of the "helpless to overcome'' issues in
your life?

E. Identify why it is so difficult for you to accept personal responsibility
for helping yourself to overcome each of the problems, fears, issues, and
conflicts over which you currently feel helpless.

F. Identify the benefits to you of taking personal responsibility for
helping yourself on your own and under your own power and control.

G. Identify the negative effects for you of remaining helpless as you face
your current problems, fears, conflicts and issues.

H. Identify why your efforts in the past to overcome your sense of
helplessness failed. What did you lose in your life when you became more capable
of
helping yourself?

I. What are the benefits for you in remaining helpless in your current
problems, fears, issues, and conflicts?

J. Identify which of your current relationships are based on your feeling
helpless in it. How would these relationships change once you ceased acting,
thinking, and feeling helpless? How does the potential change in your current
relationships keep you "hooked'' into remaining helpless?

Step 2: Once you have thoroughly assessed the state of your sense of
helplessness, then you need to identify what you need in order to grow in the
skills
of self-coping, self-help and self-healing. To do this respond to the
following.

Self-Help Skills and Behaviors Inventory
Directions: In order to help yourself grow into a more self-sufficient,
self-nurturing, self-healing, and self-confident person, you need more of the
following self-help skills. Rate each skill on a four point scale.

0 = don't need more of since this skill you have plenty of and practice it
most of the time.

1 = need a little more than you currently have since you are aware of the
skill and at times practice it but you could benefit from more training and
practice in it.

2 = need a great deal more than you currently have since you have a sketchy
understanding of it and on a rare occasion have even tried it.

3 = an overwhelming need to learn about it to alter your feelings about it
and to put it into practice since you have only heard of it and know nothing
about it and have never practiced it in your life.

0 1 2 3 (1) To honestly identify my feelings

0 1 2 3 (2) To identify other people's feelings

0 1 2 3 (3) To communicate openly and honestly

0 1 2 3 (4) To effectively listen to others

0 1 2 3 (5) To respond to others reflecting that I understand how they feel

0 1 2 3 (6) To problem solve with others issues which arise in relationships

0 1 2 3 (7) To identify my thinking which is unhealthy or irrational and to
develop alternative, more healthy thinking to overcome these beliefs which
block my personal growth

0 1 2 3 (8) To affirm myself for all of my personal skills, abilities,
talents, competencies and other positive attributes

0 1 2 3 (9) To eliminate guilt as a major motivator for my personal behavior

0 1 2 3 (10) To maintain trust in myself to be there for me when I need me
to be

0 1 2 3 (11) To overcome my sense of insecurity

0 1 2 3 (12) To allow myself to become vulnerable to the hurt and pain of
failure, mistakes, and loss in order to grow

0 1 2 3 (13) To take risks in life

0 1 2 3 (14) To nurture my "inner child'' in healthy ways

0 1 2 3 (15) To desensitize and overcome my fears

0 1 2 3 (16) To overcome my fear of failure

0 1 2 3 (17) To overcome my fear of success

0 1 2 3 (18) To reduce or eliminate my perfectionism

0 1 2 3 (19) To overcome my human pride, by accepting that there is nothing
I can't accomplish as long as I have my Higher Power with me as my partner in
life

0 1 2 3 (20) To practice patience by accepting that recovery is a life-long
process

0 1 2 3 (21) To grow in a deepening and maturing spirituality with an
emerging personal relationship with my Higher Power

0 1 2 3 (22) To continuously accept personal responsibility for my own
thoughts, feelings, and actions and not put the blame on others

0 1 2 3 (23) To handle the stress and anxiety in my life through relaxation
and self-healing activities

0 1 2 3 (24) To take care of my own physical health through proper
nutrition, sleep, exercise, etc.

0 1 2 3 (25) To not use procrastination but rather utilize healthy time
management techniques

0 1 2 3 (26) To take the steps to prevent burnout in my life

0 1 2 3 (27) To have a place, time, and people in my life with whom to have
fun and enjoy myself

0 1 2 3 (28) To resolve conflicts, disagreements, and fights with others in
a "win-win'' resolution

0 1 2 3 (29) To overcome my fear of rejection

0 1 2 3 (30) To reduce my need for approval from others

0 = don't need more

1 = need a little more

2 = need a great deal more

3 = an overwhelming need

0 1 2 3 (31) To practice healthy, assertive behaviors in all of my
relationships

0 1 2 3 (32) To eliminate the need to play "sick,'' "victim,'' or "martyr''
roles in my life

0 1 2 3 (33) To reduce competition in my interpersonal relationships

0 1 2 3 (34) To have healthy intimacy with others

0 1 2 3 (35) To set goals with the others with whom I have relationships

0 1 2 3 (36) To recognize when my relationships are based on reality rather
than on fantasy or a dream of the way it could be

0 1 2 3 (37) To use forgiveness and forgetting in overcoming hurts in
relationships

0 1 2 3 (38) To establish a healing environment with others when needed

0 1 2 3 (39) To help others recognize when they need help

0 1 2 3 (40) To recognize and accept the reality of losses in my life

0 1 2 3 (41) To reduce denial mechanisms from blocking my need to change

0 1 2 3 (42) To cease bargaining in my need to change

0 1 2 3 (43) To let go of the past and get on with the present

0 1 2 3 (44) To face and accept death as a reality of life

0 1 2 3 (45) To work my anger out in a healthy way

0 1 2 3 (46) To overcome depression

0 1 2 3 (47) To rid myself of hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism

0 1 2 3 (48) To overcome pessimism and negativity

0 1 2 3 (49) To work out my resentment

0 1 2 3 (50) To stop jumping to negative assumptions

0 1 2 3 (51) To not stuff my anger in silent withdrawal

0 1 2 3 (52) To eliminate revenge as an unhealthy motivator

0 1 2 3 (53) To eliminate any rageful behaviors

0 1 2 3 (54) To reduce or stop self-destructive behaviors

0 1 2 3 (55) To overcome any irritations

0 1 2 3 (56) To eliminate passive aggressiveness

0 1 2 3 (57) To handle angry confrontations in a healthy way

0 1 2 3 (58) To emotionally detach from the toxic relationships in my life

0 1 2 3 (59) To not manipulate others to do for me what I can do for myself

0 1 2 3 (60) To give and accept healthy emotional support in my efforts at
personal growth

___ TOTAL RATING

RATING INTERPRETATION

0 - 60 Good self-helper. You have enough skills and behaviors to assist you
to overcome the sense of helplessness in your life.

61 - 120 Fair self-helper. You have a need to learn more about normal
self-help skills and behaviors if you are to successfully overcome the sense of
helplessness in your recovery process.

121 or higher Poor self-helper. You are in great need of training in the
Tools for Coping which will assist you to know, feel, and act in a more normal
way and grow in self-esteem and gain self-confidence, self-respect and
self-healing so as to overcome the sense of helplessness in your life.

For further work on each of these self-help skills and behaviors, review the
Tools for Coping Series books by James J. Messina, Ph.D. The following items
are found in the specific books of the series:

Item number

1-6 Tools for Communication

7-27 Tools for Personal Growth

28-39 Tools for Relationships

40-44 Tools for Handling Loss

45-57 Tools for Anger WorkBOut

58-60 Tools for Handling Control Issues

Step 3: Once you have determined the degree to which you are a self-helper,
then you need to work at acquiring or increasing the self-help skills in which
you are currently deficient. This can be done by utilizing all the Tools for
Coping Series books written by James J. Messina, Ph.D. available on
_www.coping.org_ (http://www.coping.org/) and through participation in the
Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous Program (The SEA's Program) or some other form of
support group or group therapy conducted by a counselor or therapist.

Step 4: As you grow in self-help skills, redefine yourself as a person in
recovery from low self-esteem and a sense of helplessness. Utilize all of the
tips to overcoming helplessness contained in this chapter.

Step 5: If, after an exhaustive effort at self-growth and self-healing,
you still feel helpless, then return to this chapter, re-read it, and begin
Step 1 over again.


What is suicide?

Unsuccessful suicidal gestures, thoughts, or threats are often a:

Cry for help to get people to attend to the problems which you are currently
experiencing.

Manipulative action to keep others from changing their styles of interacting
with you.

Sign of the severe depression and repressed anger that you are experiencing.

Habit you develop early on which has had a great deal of success in getting
you attention.

Mask to hide behind to scare people away from getting too close or attached
to you.

Desire to have others treating you the way you have been treated in the past
with aloofness, distance, and coldness.

Way to test other people's loyalty, sincerity, interest, caring, love, and
concern for you.

Way by which you exercise control over others.

If you are successful in committing suicide, you will have committed:

An extremely self-centered and selfish act which will hurt and emotionally
scar the people you leave behind.

An act of cowardice due to your lack of willingness to accept life the way
it really is.

An enormous "get back'' or act of revenge which will no doubt leave the
survivors with intense guilt, self-doubt, anger, bitterness, rage, and emotional
trauma.

A useless act which terminates your life in that one moment of despair when
in fact your future potential holds out hope for years of coping successfully
with life as it really is.

The ultimate "cop out'' from having to work hard to gain a sense of personal
mastery and contentment in your life.

Cowardly action with no redeeming social merits or benefits.

Your last effort to control people in your life.


What are the negative effects of suicide?

The negative effects of your suicidal attempts, gestures, and thoughts are
that you:

Initially gain the attention of others and, if that is where it stops, then
you are driven to continue seeking their attention in a spiral of increased
suicidal type behaviors, feelings, and thoughts.

Can become "stuck in a rut'' of threats to control others to be there for
you and have this be the only reason they stay.

Can get caught up in emotionally blackmailing others in order to keep them
loving, caring, and supporting you out of "fear'' that if they stop you will
kill yourself.

Run the risk that people will no longer allow you to "control'' and keep
them in check in this way and they might give you an ultimatum to cease and
desist such actions, thoughts, and attempts or else they will have nothing more
to do with you.

Begin to devalue the meaning of life so much so that you begin to take
increasingly more dangerous risks in your actions and accidentally kill
yourself.

Can get so caught up in the here and now despair and depression that you
blind yourself to a rational perspective of hope that you can make it through to
the future intact.

Could get lazy and resort to this easy answer every time any problem or
inconvenience comes up in your life.

Could get stuck in blaming other persons, places, and things for your
problems and not accept personal responsibility for your own actions.

Could become a coward and eventually give in to your thoughts and gestures
and rationalize that a quick solution is better than the long term work needed
to have a fulfilling life.

Will experience lowered self-esteem since you will be valuing your life less
and less if these behaviors persist.

The negative effects of successfully committing suicide are that you:

Have left a disaster for someone else to clean up and take care of.

Leave a number of people hating, resentful, and angry at your selfish
action.

Never get a chance to find out if life could be better for you in the
future.

May have done so accidentally and this is one act you can't take back to try
over.

Do not allow people to have memories of you without the overshadowing and
painful visions of the way your life ended.

Might have thought it took courage to take your life but those you leave
behind will know differently in that you were extremely sick, emotionally
disturbed, and probably insane to have gone so far.

Will have left a mess for others to clean up which is an ultimate get back
but also a sick act of revenge.

Leave behind survivors who may need years of psychotherapeutic help to
regain emotional well-being to overcome the impact of your suicide.

Might saddle your survivors with intense guilt, self-doubt, and
self-recrimination with the belief that they could have done something to stop
you.

Might leave survivors who believe that since you committed suicide that they
are also destined to do so themselves in the future.

Might spark the imagination of a survivor who sees how much attention your
suicide is getting and wants similar attention so goes out and commits a
copy-cat suicide for the sick need of sharing the spotlight and getting the same
quick solution as you did.

Might influence others who are sitting on the fence to go ahead with their
suicides since someone else has succeeded in ending it all. This is the most
perverse form of trend setting you can get involved with.


How is suicide a control issue?

Suicidal attempts and gestures are control issues because they are often:

Attempts to put the "locus of control'' of other people into your hands.

Efforts to manipulate others to keep them under your control to act,
believe, or behave in a way you need or want them to in order to feel good about
yourself.

"Power tactics'' to intimidate, threaten, or coerce others to fall into line
with what you want from them.

Intended to make others feel powerless in the face of your apparent
willingness and driven to risk such a powerful act.

A means not to allow others to gain detachment from you.

! A means not to allow others to let go of you as an uncontrollable or
unchangeable in their lives.

! Hooks by which you draw others into your life to be your rescuer, fixer,
or caretaker.

! our desperate attempt to demonstrate your helplessness and powerlessness
in the face of your problems and troubles.

! A vehicle of gaining your survival and escape from an emotional or
physically life threatening situation.

A successful suicide is a control issue because it often:

Puts the "locus of control'' for other people into the hands of the suicidal
victim.

Hooks others from your grave to feel guilt or remorse for not doing enough
for you to fix, care for, or cure you.

Is an indication of the extent to which you would fall into the trap of your
helplessness.

Is a result of your inability to let go of the uncontrollables and
unchangeables in your life.

Is the ultimate failure for fixers or caretakers to have happen to a person
they were helping.

Is a result of the inability to accept life as being less than ideal and
less than perfect.

Is the ultimate and last lack of self-control in your life.


What irrational thinking leads you to consider or to commit suicide?

There is too much for me to change in my life for me to become happy.

I am too overwhelmed by all of my problems and I can see no way out.

No one really cares about me anyway so no one will miss me when I'm gone.

I'll show them for rejecting, ignoring, and not wanting me.

No matter how hard I try, I never seem to succeed.

Everybody hates me, nobody likes me so I'm going to end it all.

I can't face this mess I've made.

I could never face others if they ever found out the truth about me.

My whole life has been full of pain and hurt and I'm tired of hurting so
much.

People won't blame me for solving their problem which seems to be me.

My life has no meaning, no value, no purpose, no direction, and no sense, so
why go on?

Everyone has abandoned me, including God.

I'm so unhappy, what's the use?

I am so angry and upset that I'd rather die than go on to work it out.

I'll teach them for treating me this way.

No one has ever loved me, approved of me, or accepted me so why go on?

I'm only a "shell'' of a person with nothing left to give others.

I'm in too much pain and agony to go on.

I'd rather die than face the future.

I'd rather quit than go on.

Every attempt I make to get out of this hole ends in failure for me so why
continue trying?

There's no way I'll ever be happy in this lifetime.

Suicide is an act of courage and it takes great strength to do it.

I see no reason for continuing to live.

They'll be sorry when I'm gone.

I hate all of them so much that this will show them and put them in their
place.

The rejection I feel right now is so painful that unless that person comes
back into my life I am going to end it.

I feel so hopeless and see no way out of it.


How can you overcome hopelessness which leads to suicidal ideation

In order to overcome a sense of hopelessness you need to:

First: Reach out to others for support to help you follow through on the
rest of these steps.

Second: Identify what you feel hopeless about.

Third: You then need to identify what distorted, irrational, or unhealthy
thinking is at the root of what is making you feel hopeless.

Fourth: Then you need to develop new healthier, more rational ways of
thinking about these things.

Fifth: You then need to identify what distorted, irrational, or unhealthy
feelings are blocking your acceptance of these new healthier, more rational
beliefs and keeping you from being more hopeful.

Sixth: You need to emotionally release all of your blocking feelings through
anger workout, despair, and letting go exercises and inner child healing
work.

Seventh: Once you have vented anger, cried out your despair, and opened your
inner self to experience feelings more freely, you then need to make a place
in your life for a Higher Power. This is the God of your belief system. You
need to turn to your Higher Power and seek strength, wisdom, and light from
your belief. This is the power greater than you to whom you can turn over your
unchangeables and uncontrollables. This Higher Power can give you the
patience, calmness, and strength to accept reality as it is today for you. As
the
words in this poem imply, you won't be able to experience the role of your
Higher Power in your life unless you allow it to happen.

Broken Dreams

Anonymous

As children bring their broken toys

With tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God

Because He was my friend.

But instead of leaving Him

In peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help

With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,

"How can You be so slow?''

"My child,'' He said, "What could I do?

You never let them go.''


Eighth: Once you begin to allow yourself to rely on your Higher Power for
the strength to "let go'' of your pain, hurt, depression, anger, despair, sense
of abandonment, sense of being overwhelmed and alone, then you need to begin
to take control of your actions and behaviors and start all over again to
attempt to find a sense and order in your life which gives you meaning and a
hope to continue on in life.

Ninth: You then need as you "go on'' to focus efforts on breaking down your
current problems into smaller workable components which have a greater
probability of immediate success. Some examples of success breeders are:

Live one day at a time without focusing on the overwhelming prospects of the
future.

Enjoy your "gift of life'' each day and without taking it for granted, since
you don't know the day or time when indeed you will die.

Use self-affirmations of your value and worth and work at "falling in love''
with yourself on a daily basis.

Refocus on yourself as the major source of help to get you out of your
current pain rather than looking for others' help to rescue or to fix you.

Empower yourself with the belief that there is nothing you can't overcome
here on earth with the help and assistance of your Higher Power.

Recognize that, no matter how great the physical, emotional or psychic pain
you are going through right now, there is an end to it down the road as long
as you continue to work at honestly accepting the reality of life as it really
is rather than how you want it to be.

Recognize that rather than solving all of your problems at once you can make
greater progress by solving each problem one at a time at a slow and steady
pace. Since it took a lifetime to get you here, it will take the rest of your
life to get you out.

Allow yourself to be human and open yourself to accept any further failures,
mistakes, or slow progress in your efforts to solve your problems.

Accept that "relapse'' is a fact of life in recovery and do not get down on
yourself if you should experience any reversal or set back.

Commit yourself not to quit as you proceed in your efforts to turn your life
around.

Tenth: As you become more "hopeful'' about yourself and your prospects of
"going on,'' reward yourself for your progress and recognize the "success''
you have achieved to that point. It is important for you to recognize your
growth and to enjoy the benefits that come with it. Remember success breeds
success so reinforce yourself for each incremental step to overcoming
hopelessness and in so doing you will become more hopeful on a daily basis.

Eleventh: Recognize as you increase in hopefulness that control for your
life rests in you and your relationship with your Higher Power so don't neglect
yourself or your Higher Power and take time to relax and have fun as well as
give time to your Higher Power through prayer and meditation.

Twelfth: If you should fall prey to a period of hopelessness again, return
to Step 1 and begin again.


Steps to handling suicidal thoughts, gestures and attempts

In order to handle suicidal thoughts, gestures, or attempts, you need to
take the following steps.

Step 1: In order to take care of any current or future suicidal thoughts,
gestures, or attempts, you first must become reconciled about any past such
actions in your life. In your journal answer the following questions.

A. Have you ever considered any suicidal thoughts or gestures, or have you
ever attempted suicide? If yes, then list each time in your past you:

Considered or thought about suicide.

Made a gesture of a suicidal nature.

Attempted suicide.

B. For each time listed identify the following:

What was going on in your life?

What problems were you dealing with?

Why did you feel hopeless or overwhelmed by these problems?

What irrational or unhealthy beliefs were behind your suicidal thoughts?

Who were you trying to control at that time?

How successful were you in controlling them by your suicidal thoughts,
gestures, or attempts?

How did these problems resolve themselves?

Were you fixed or rescued or did you help yourself to get out of this
suicidal moment?

What did you learn from this experience?

How helpful was this experience to your personal growth?

C. After taking each suicidal event separately, can you see how you used
suicide in your past? How big of a control issue was suicide for you in the
past? How did other self-destructive behaviors fit into your suicidal way of
thinking, feeling, or acting in the past?

Step 2: Once you have analyzed your past use of suicidal thoughts, gestures,
and attempts, you are now ready to analyze any present use of suicidal
thoughts, gestures, or attempts. To do so, answer the following questions in
your
journal.

A. Are you currently considering any suicidal thoughts, gestures, or
attempts? If yes, then proceed to answer the following questions. If no, then
keep
these questions ready in case you should ever become suicidal in the future.

B. What suicidal thoughts, gestures, or actions are you currently engaging
in?

C. How lethal are these suicidal thoughts, gestures, or actions? To figure
out how lethal, answer the following.

___ yes ___ no (1) Do you have a means of suicide in mind?

___ yes ___ no (2) Is this means of suicide readily available to you at this
time?

___ yes ___ no (3) Is this an effective way to kill yourself?

___ yes ___ no (4) Have you ever used this means before to attempt suicide
in the past?

___ yes ___ no (5) Are you ready to use this means of suicide at this time?


___ yes ___ no (6) Is nobody living with you at this time who can take
control of this means of killing yourself?

If you answered "yes'' to all six items then you are very lethal and need
immediate help. Call a suicide and crisis hotline or call your therapist or
better yet ask the police or emergency medical squad to take you to a hospital
where you can get immediate medical assistance

If you have answered "yes'' to items (1), (2), (3), (4), and "no'' to (5)
and "yes'' or "no'' to (6), then you need to contact your therapist and continue
to work on the following issues with the therapist.

If you have answered "yes'' to (1) and "yes'' or "no'' to (2), and (3), and
"no'' to (4) and (5), and "yes'' or "no'' to (6), then you can continue to
Step 3 to answer the following questions on your own in your journal.

Step 3: Answer the following:

A. What is currently going wrong in your life that makes you suicidal?

B. What are the specific problems involved? Are these problems (a)
individual or relationship oriented? (b) at work, home or in the community? (c)
financial, emotional, physical health, sexual, criminal, legal, marital, moral
or
age related?

C. Are these problems old chronic problems or newly arisen situational
problems?

D. Why do you feel hopeless and/or overwhelmed by these problems?

E. attempts have you taken to overcome or rectify these problems?

F. What irrational or unhealthy beliefs or thinking lead to your sense of
being overwhelmed or hopeless as you deal with these problems?

G. Whom do you blame for these problems?

H. Whom do you want to control in order to get them to help you out, to
rescue you and to fix these problems for you?

I. How will suicide correct these problems?

J. How will your suicide control the people you blame and the people whom
you want to fix these problems for you?

K. How will your suicide affect the people you love?

L. What do you need to do to begin to correct or resolve these problems?

What do you need to do for yourself?

What do you need to do with others?

What things do you need to change?

What places do you need to go to in order to handle and correct these
problems?

M. What can you do today to take the first step at correcting these problems?

N. What can you do today to increase your sense of being hopeful to change
and grow in order to handle your problems?

O. Who can you call upon to help support you in your efforts to change and
cope with these problems?

Step 4: As you begin to cope with problems in your life which have made you
feel suicidal, remember to call upon your Higher Power to help you to grow
more hopeful so as to be successful in the process.

Step 5: If you should slip back into feeling suicidal, then return to Step 1
and begin again.


Example of Feedback from Reader

Note: Here is a real life sample of the type of response this article gets
from people who are contemplating suicide. What follows is my response to this
particular example. Jim Messina

I recently googled "how to SUCCESSFULLY kill yourself" a few times this week
and your site is just making me cringe too much to not say something....

well, my day has arrived, Sunday, any month, any date that I actually have
to go through with this and make sure it works this time....I'm not scared as
one would think of everything I'll miss....I'm scared at the prospect of
'missing' it and thus being in a state of not complete "deadness" or nothingness
and so also being at just another level of hating everything and wanting
nothingness....what if there is something else, what if you don't just
end....cease to exist in every realm, every way, everything....what if what if
what
if.....thoughts abounding enough to keep one alive and going for a bit, or
enough, ironically, to contribute to more madness and insanity....anyways,
speaking from much experience I highly KNOW you would benefit if you could
actually
read this and GET it, I don't know if that's gonna happen though....good luck
in changing some views of yours and psychology in general....maybe saving a
few suicidal people, even, who knows, hey?

Sounds like you really know what you are talking about. you should be
fucking embarrassed and ashamed of the writing on your website at coping.org.
how outdated and religiously-cult-like-based sounding can you get? selfish??
SELFISH??????? you FUCKING MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! do you know the agony of
putting close ones through your depression when you know you can't or won't go
get help yourself, so they are forced to watch you deteriorate? yeah I think
sticking around that way is MUCH more unselfish than getting yourself out of
their lives completely. calling suicide "selfish" or unloving is actually one of
the SADDEST most pathetic things you can do, doctor ph-fucking-d, it shows
just how little you understand the point of view of the person carrying out
the act. sure it's selfish to the people left behind, but the agony and
in-the-moment-energy-of-pain you are experiencing day after day that causes one
to
go through with this, is not usually intended to hurt others, quite the
reverse in fact....and in that moment you know only you need to end any more
moments, it's not self-centered, you close-minded man, it's the only option
available when you don't care about life anymore, much less the prospect of
"help"
or getting better, and you don't have the energy to do that or desire to
morph into a new human, since this is all you know, and to say "failed attempts"
or the stereotypical "cry for help"?! uhhhhh.....what if it's actually a
suicide that just didn't work?? someone came home earlier than expected, your
body
started to vomit up the poison, you didn't take enough cuz you didn't
know...all you fucking doctors and therapists and your "cries for
attention"....until you stop deducing suicide to these simplistic nineteen
fifties terms and
explanations, the numbers of them will continue to rise and you'll never start
to help these humans in utter pain. STOP THINKING AS THE PERSON ON THE
OUTSIDE, THE MEMBER LEFT OVER, YOU'LL NEVER START TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND IT.

it's like you psychologists and psychiatrists and everyone in the field
don't ACTUALLY want to help (well I mean obviously you don't, this is your job,
you fucking get PAID to pretend you care, you get money to listen to and
analyze other people's problems, turn them into "self-help books" and trivial
genres-problems)....but it's like you'll stick to these "reasons" of why people
commit suicide and "self-centered" outlook of it, when that's about as far off
as you can get, but if you keep saying that, enough people will continue to
need "therapy" and you'll all still be employable, in fact it's likely one of
the fastest growing needs people tell themselves they need, hey?
manipulativeness must be in all the advanced psych classes.....some brain waves
don't
work on the same standard level that has been unendingly relayed to society of
what is good and bad....in the instance of fucking needing yourself to DIE, I
would say this applies....you're not able to point and say "bad" and then
show the next slide as some young boy helping an old lady with her grocery bags
and say "good". and finally ending the focus that has encompassed your life
of self-analyzing and hate and critiquing everything and your un-balanced mind
and fucked up involuntary behaviors showing themselves again and again to
people that care about you or you showed some other part that must be extremely
small, but they liked, and now you are close enough to them, you have to
show them this TRUE part and plague them with that....ENDING that is not about
a
cry for help, some self-absorbed me me me cry....it's just wanting it to
end, stop, not wanting to hurt others anymore, it's not fair to them for you to
be alive, they don't deserve your pathetic nature in their lives. I have to
stop this now, cuz I'm really really really tired, like REALLY tired of
everything...and my eyes are all raw and dry and can't even look at this screen
anymore. and well, either you get what I'm trying to nail into your head or you
don't and I should stop, so yeah, bye. your site should be taken down, if you
have ANY respect for the people you are trying to "help" or desire to
actually do so. I'm sure your a nice person and all...so yeah, um, good luck
with
life and everything. take care. see you in some realm or other sometime maybe.
my name is John Smith from somewhere in the world, call that name out and
I'll come over and show you the ropes in whatever is after this "earth"
thing....

Sincerely (seriously), John


Note: Here is my response to John. Jim Messina

John,

Clearly your anger and despair are great or you are full of shit! If this is
a joke and you have nothing better to do with your time, your sense of humor
is sick. If this is indeed your announcement of intention to end it all, you
do reflect the selfishness and self-absorption I talk about. You say you care
about freeing others from your pathetic life and yet you will burden them
with the guilt, shame, despair, emptiness, confusion, and pain of you taking
your life and leaving them to pick up all the pieces. Having worked with
survivors of suicides of loved one for over 30 thirty years I am telling you
YOU
ARE SELFISH, you take the EASY WAY out with killing yourself instead of taking
the harder road of turning your life around. You choose to believe that
everyone in the helping profession is just there to get paid. WELL in case you
didn't notice, you were on a FREE site with free tools for people to utilize so
that they can turn their lives around. You are talking to an INSANE helper
who helps others due to love for the human race and not for the financial gain
he can receive. SO take your anger, your accusations, your blaming others,
your invectives, and your self-centeredness to the nearest crisis center and
get yourself HELP. You need to figure out the TRUTH about your life. You are
stuck in self-pity, impossibility thinking, and the belief that there is no way
to turn it around. You need hard hitting truth telling help that gets your
attention like my site did last night. You need to face reality and not run
away from it. You need to use your obvious talents and abilities to make your
life an enriched successful witness to the goodness that lies within you. You
have the ability to do things you want in this life, you just need to do it.
GET HELP, Get yourself help immediately and move on to a new more successful
you.

Sincerely

Jim Messina

Note: If you intend to respond to this article on suicide like John did, you
can expect a similar response to the one that I sent John. Fortunately John
let me know where he lived and I had the authorities in his community pick him
up and provide him the emotional supportive help he greatly needed. Jim
Messina






HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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