There is a difference between 'abuser' control and 'target' (codependent)
control. I will post articles on both. This is in reference to abuser control:

CONTROLLING HIM...

HOW FEMALE ABUSERS CONTROL MEN:

CONTROLLING HIS MATERIAL RESOURCES: The verbal abuser may control her
partner's material resources by withholding financial information, spending HIS
money behind his back without his knowledge/consent (running up credit card
bills in his name), guilting him into supporting her ("I am too (fill in the
blank) to work,"), as well as refusing to get a job. If she does work, she
gives
no thought to withholding her entire paycheck, spending her "own money," and
couldn't careless what her control and selfishness is doing to her husband
and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to
support themselves while SHE feels in control and free!


CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser uses body
language to control her partner, just as she uses words. The words and gestures
often go together. This can be seen as using HERSELF to control her partner.
Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are
forms of withholding and abusive anger:

Sulking
Nagging
Complaining
Pressuring
Guilting
Stomping out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give him something
Scratching, spitting, hitting, or kicking something
Refusing to make eye contact
Driving recklessly
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection or sex as punishment when she doesn't
get her way
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds
Strutting and posturing



CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HIS REALITY: This form of control is very
oppressive. When she tells her partner what reality is, she is playing God, she
is
discounting the partner's experience by defining "THE TRUTH" - which in fact is
only HER truth or a LIE. Some examples: "That's not what you said," or "That's
not what I said," or "That's not what you did," or "That's not what I did,"
or "That's not what happened," or "That's not what you saw," or "That's not
what you felt," or "That's not why you did it," and "I know you better than
you know yourself!"


CONTROLLING BY MAKING HIM RESPONSIBLE: By telling her partner he is
responsible for her behavior, the verbal abuser attempts to avoid all
responsibility
for her own behavior. In other words, she avoids accountability by BLAMING.
Examples include:

I did it because you...
You didn't remind me.
You just don't see what I do.
Just show me how.
Set a good example.


CONTROLLING BY GENDER BIAS/DOUBLE STANDARDS/ASSIGNING STATUS: Putting him
up, praising, or thanking him for trivial or superficial things (the gifts he
gives her) and ignoring or criticizing the big things he does (the fact that
he's a great father), which demeans his talents, time, and energy. Implying he
is best suited to do trivial or demeaning tasks (like taking out the trash,
cleaning the car, trimming the hedges, etc.).

This category also includes gender biased statements and double standards
such as: "That's right! You're a MAN! (said with disgust). You are SUPPOSED to
take out the trash!" and "It's the MAN'S duty to support the woman
financially!" and "Everyone knows WOMEN are smarter than men! If I can't do
that, what
makes you think YOU can do that?" and "You don't have the right to withhold
emotional intimacy/affection from me because THAT is abusive! But if I
withhold these from you it's MY prerogative because I am a WOMAN!"


CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING HER PARTNER:

Belittling
Laughing at or smirking
Offensive jokes
Mimicking her partner
Patronizing
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you! Nah-nah!"
Avoiding eye contact, turning away
Expecting partner to talk to her while he's watching TV, reading, game
playing
Words like "Sooo" or "So what!" or "That means NOTHING to me" or "Whatever"
Baffle gabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle her partner
Insulting her partner
Making inappropriate sounds
Making inappropriate facial expressions - rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs
Starting a sentence then stating, "Forget it.."
Accusing him of being "controlling" and "having to have the last word"


CONTROLLING behaviors such as those above are used by verbal abusers to gain
feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in her
own life start to "seep out" - terrified of not being in control, terrified of
"feeling," terrified of him leaving (or wanting him to leave but afraid of
being alone).


ARE YOU AN ABUSER:

Do you have the courage to see yourself as others see you - as your
boyfriend, husband, and children see you? Do you have the courage to be honest
with
yourself? If you have seen or heard yourself in the paragraphs above RUN,
don't walk, to get help. Suggested are the following steps:

Read everything you can about verbal abuse - several times over.
Listen to your partner with an open, accepting mind and feel your pain
without attacking, blaming, or shutting down in anger or withdrawal.
Make a list of everything you've ever done that was abusive - ask your
partner to review the list.
Ask your partner to remind you every time you say or do something abusive.
Become aware of the effects of verbal abuse on the partner - read about
men's experiences, pain, torment, doubt, fear, loss of spirit and self, etc.
Get into a women's group (a domestic violence women's group) to help root
out the controlling behaviors, anger, and pain.
STOP controlling.
Start feeling your pain.

You must want to change more than you want to control. No one can make you
change. But wouldn't you like to know what a REAL relationship is with your
partner and your children? Don't you want to be free of the pain of your life?
IT IS WORTH IT!




HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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