Why Does She Resent Me

Dear Doc Love:

I am a tad troubled by what I've been reading in your column. You talk a lot
about what to do to find and keep a girl, but you don't seem to address the
issue of whether or not girls enjoy being abused. Unfortunately, with many
girls, this is becoming all too common.

I recently ended a relationship with a girl whom I treated very nicely the
entire time I was with her. I treated her to meals, I talked to her with
respect, and I was caring and tried to be comforting whenever she encountered
difficulty or stress. All my friends attested that I treated her wonderfully.

She told me that before she dated me, she dated a guy who abused her
regularly. He regularly threatened her with a knife (by placing the flat end of
the
blade on her neck), he slapped her constantly, and he always belittled her.
How long was she with him? Two years. How long did she date a decent guy like
me? Three months. There is something wrong with that picture.

I asked her why she was with him for so long since he was abusive. She
responded with "I thought then that I deserved it." With me, she never thanked
me
for taking her anywhere, got mad if I tried to be helpful and comforting, and
towards the end, before she left, she was very abusive to me.

This raises the question: Do girls prefer to be kicked around or treated
with respect? Friends of mine have had this same problem with their girlfriends.
And if my friends and I have had that problem, then bet on the fact that most
other men (or at least a good number) have experienced the same problem as
well. Given how common this is with females, this topic should be addressed,
and it is my hope that you will the address the topic in your column ASAP.


Armando - who is tired of not being appreciated



Dear Armando,

What did you expect from a girl like this, a picnic in the park? A woman who
has a history of being involved with abusive men (who hasn't had therapy and
recovery) is simply not good relationship material. You want to avoid this
type of woman at all costs because you don't want her becoming the mother of
your children. As soon as any woman whom you're dating starts telling you
stories about how her ex boyfriend beat her or humiliated her or threatened her
or
stalked her, head for the nearest exit.

If a woman is addicted to being with bad men, that means she will not be
able to tolerate being with someone who treats her well. She may think that what
she wants is a good man, but a good man will never (and should never try to)
provide her with that constant sense of dread and drama that her sick soul
thrives on.

What almost always happens in this situation is that the new guy starts
earnestly trying to prove that not all men are b******s by being extra nice to
her. Then she winds up dumping him because he somehow just doesn't light her
fire. Sound familiar Armando?

Only if a woman from an abusive background has done some serious therapeutic
work to recover from her addiction, will she be able to sustain a healthy
relationship with an emotionally healthy partner. There are tens of thousands
of women out there (and plenty of men, too) who have grown up with abuse and
feel comfortable only in destructively dysfunctional relationships.


Even people who have had a fair amount of therapy and counseling, often
unconsciously slip back into old self-destructive patterns. It takes real
commitment and determination to break free from this kind of unhealthy
behavior.

So Armando, do women like to be kicked around or do they like to be treated
with respect? It's not a black and white issue. Some women, like your (ex)
girlfriend, do like to be "kicked around." Fortunately there are plenty out
there that don't.

But Armando, you need to look at the role you chose for yourself in this
relationship. You're complaining about how your ex is attracted to abusive men.
Well wait a minute. She was disrespectful and abusive to you and you stuck it
out with her until she dumped you. You need to ask YOURSELF: "Why did I stay
with someone who treated me so badly? And how can I judge her so harshly for
staying with an abusive partner when I did the very same thing?"

Now, Armando, allow me to clear up the rest of the picture for you. We know
that women who come from an abusive home will re-enact that same scenario in
their relationships as an adult. But how do we explain the behavior of
thousands of women who would never be with an abusive man, but find themselves
drawn to guys who don't always treat them so well, guys who have little or no
respect for women?

In order to explain this phenomenon, I'm going to divide the pool of
non-abusive men that a clinically sane woman has to choose from into three
distinct
categories. Many men do not necessarily fit into only one of these
categories, but I'm rigidly dividing them for educational purposes.

First, there is a large percentage of men who are not a Challenge at all. We
call this type of guy The Nice Guy or The Wimp or the Teddy Bear Guy. This
chap wears his high Interest Level on his sleeve. He'll do anything to gain a
woman's approval. He's needy and clingy and is always trying to please and
impress. He's too open and too vulnerable too soon. He's overly considerate and
places the woman's needs before his own. He's often so whipped and
brainwashed with political correctness that he even does things - like asking a
woman
for her permission to kiss her.

You get the picture. This is not the type of man who fuels women's romantic
fantasies. He is not a turn on. - in fact, quite the opposite.

What turns women on and gets their juices flowing is a guy who is self-
assured and self-sufficient. A guy with a strong ego who goes for what he wants
without asking permission. A guy with healthy boundaries who is capable of
setting limits and saying "no" to a woman when it's appropriate. Women want a
guy who is also somewhat unpredictable, mysterious and full of surprises.

The man that women dream of combines all the qualities of this confident
individual, along with a capacity to love a woman deeply with an open heart
(after she proves she's trustworthy). I call this second type of man The
Positive
Challenge. All men should aspire to be a Positive Challenge in their
relationships with women.

Then there is the third type, who, beyond having a healthy ego, is
self-obsessed, self absorbed and just plain selfish. He's a user, a taker, and
not a
giver. He only says "yes" to a woman when it suits him. His heart is closed
off. He doesn't keep his word. You can't count on him. You can't trust him.
He's TOO unpredictable. But many women find him alluring because he can't be
controlled and he's anything but boring. He's known as the Jerk or the Rat or
the Bad Boy. I call him The Negative Challenge.

Unfortunately, because so few men are a Positive Challenge, women who would
never be with an outright abusive man are frequently forced to choose between
The Wimp and Mr. Negative Challenge. And when forced to choose between those
two, women will take Mr. Negative Challenge over the Wimp most often. Why?
Because they perceive Mr. Negative Challenge, however problematic he may be, as
STRONG and The Wimp as weak. And women place an extremely high value on stre
ngth qualities in a man.

This is why you hear so many men complaining that women don't appreciate a
nice guy and that they prefer to be with jerks. Women are dawn to strength
qualities in men FIRST. Sensitivity and sweetness is appealing when added as
dessert, but an entire meal of cake frosting is nauseating.

Just remember that women, particularly the beautiful ones, are sick to death
of the endless number of men who are constantly catering to their whims.
They're desperately weary of always getting their way with men and are hungry
for a Challenge even if he doesn't come in the ideal form.

Now let's leave The Wimp out of the equation and give a woman the choice
only between Mr. Positive Challenge and Mr. Negative Challenge. In this
situation, the greater the woman's self esteem, the more likely she would be to
go
for Mr. Positive Challenge. If her self-esteem was so-so, then she might go for
the guy who was somewhere in between the two.

Now that you're single again my advice to you, Armando, is to no longer go
out with abusive women who've been abused. Treat yourself with love and respect
by finding a woman to date who is sweet and loving. And study "The System"
to learn how to be a Positive Challenge.

Remember, guys, all women love a Challenge.

To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit
me at _http://www.doclove.com_ (http://www.doclove.com) or call (800)
404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in
his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you
stay with one man versus another?"


(c) Copyright 2001 DocLove DotCom, Inc.




HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Be who you are and say what you feel,
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Suess


Yahoo! Groups: End_Verbal_Abuse Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse)

Yahoo! Groups: CoDependents Group Leader
_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents_
(http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Codependents)





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