The Victim's Stages of Recovery
by Dr. Irene

March 12, 2000
Recovery from codependent victimhood usually occurs in a series of often
overlapping stages. Here is a rough outline of what you may expect, though each
individual is different:

DUH... Denial Stage. The victim is relatively brain dead here. Your energy is
spent on justifying your abuser, working overtime to "make him or her happy,"
and hiding the truth from yourself. You often pay with physical and / or
emotional symptoms. Your self-esteem is non-existent.

UGH! Shock & Disbelief Stage. The victim doesn't know which end is up! You
have just learned about abuse and are shocked to realize that your relationship
may be abusive! You need validation and support. You are just learning to
trust your senses.

Advice: This is the time to "do nothing." Simply become aware of what is
going on, and notice how you feel about it. This is not the time to stand up to
your abuser. You are getting ready to do that down the road. Pay attention and
become increasingly aware. Read books like The Verbally Abusive Relationship
and  The Gift of Fear.

OOOPS! Anger Stage. There is a sharp sense of outrage over what has been
happening! Your victim's buttons are all showing! You are angry, defensive,
blaming, and full of guilt now - and you are internally fighting all of it! If
you
are at all impulsive, without realizing, you are likely to act out and behave
as abusively as your abuser!  Oooops!

Advice: Don't act out! You are right to be angry, but realize you don't know
how to effectively stand up to your abuser yet. You are probably acting out
towards those whom you perceive as weaker than yourself. This is the time to sit
with your feelings, and do nothing - until you know what you need to do.

Read books to help you with your anger like Harriet Lerner's The Dance of
Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing The Patterns of Intimate Relationships  and
Change Your Life Now: Powerful Techniques for Positive Change and start reading
assertion books like Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No and Your Perfect
Right. Assertion skills are very important!

Warning: Don't get stuck in this stage. Your job is to listen to your anger's
message, but chill before you act - so that when you do act, you act
effectively. Watch the defensiveness. You don't need it - since there is nothing
to
defend!

YIPPEE! Personal Responsibility Stage. Finally. You are very clear on what's
going on, you are able to stand up to your abuser. You may have left. You have
developed adequate self-control skills and are less likely to be provoked!

Above all, you increasingly recognize that you are in control of your life -
and that you do not have the power to make another person happy or miserable.
You realize that your abuser is a victim too, but you know it is up to them to
fix themselves - if they want. You feel great about yourself!

Advice: Continue increasing your wonderful skills! Read books that target
your weak areas, remain aware, and Monday morning quarterback situations which
you wished you had handled differently. The next time something like the last
yukkily-handled situation comes up, you will be better prepared.

Warning: This stage is highly addictive. Congratulations and enjoy yourself!
Your personal power will grow with practice and you will become increasingly
adept at handling life's dilemmas. You may get so good at running your life,
you find that you only rarely Monday morning quarterback situations anymore. You
find yourself just intuitively handling them! Yippee!



Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


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