Detachment and Codependency

Adapted from Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie

Most codependents are attached to the people and problems in their
environments.

Attachment is becoming overly-involved and can take several forms:

* We may react instead of choosing how we will respond in a situation (our
physical, emotional, and mental energy is attached). (Don't react, remove
yourself from the situation if it is escalating.)

* We may become obsessed with and controlling of people and problems in our
life (our energy is directed at the object of our obsession).

* We may become excessively worried about, or preoccupied with a problem or
person (our mental energy is attached).

* We may become emotionally dependent on the people around us.

* We may become caretakers, rescuers, or enablers to the people around us
firmly attaching ourselves to their need for us.


Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos and the people
around us as well.

If we are focusing all our energy on people and problems, we will have little
time for the business of taking care of our own needs.

We forfeit our power, our ability to think, feel, and act and we lose
control.

When we are obsessed with another human being, we cannot think objectively.

We not only have a problem or person that is bothering us, it is controlling
us.


What is Detachment?

Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawl; a resigned, despairing
acceptance of whatever is thrown our way.

We are not unaffected by people and problems, we cannot ignore our
responsibilities to ourselves and others by severing our relationships with
others.

Detachment is releasing or detaching from a person or problem with love.

We find it necessary to mentally, emotionally, and physically remove
ourselves from unhealthy or painful entanglements with another person's life and
responsibilities.

Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for
himself or herself and that we can't solve problems that aren't ours, and that
worry
is not helpful.

We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other peoples responsibilities.

We allow other people to experience the consequences of their actions.

And we stop trying to change things we can't fix.

We try to focus on what is good in our own lives.

Detachment is living in the moment; living in the here and now.

We cannot live in the past and we cannot change it.

We must learn to "accept the things we cannot change" and to "change the
things we can".


Detaching does not mean we don't care, it means we care enough to "let go and
let God" take care of the details.

We learn how to make good decisions, and how to develop healthy relationships
with others.

The rewards of detachment are the freedom to live our own lives without
feeling guilty or responsible for others. We learn to mind our own business.

Many people who have chosen to live with serious problems such as alcoholism,
drug addiction or a severely handicapped child have learned to cope with
these problems.

They have grieved their losses and found a way not to live in resignation,
martyrdom or despair but with a true sense of gratitude to the 12-Step programs
available. They have learned to take care of themselves and have improved
their self-esteem through the use of self-help books and programs.

We learn to detach by using a three-part formula from Alcoholics Anonymous
and Al-Anon: through Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to try to abide by the
12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Many different organizations use the Steps and
Traditions.

"We need to detach when it is the least likely or possible thing to do."

Adapted from Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, (c) 1987.



Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


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