Coping With Difficult People - By Keith Levick, Ph.D.

We work with, play with, service‚ or are related to difficult people.
Difficult people yell, explode, and try to intimidate you. If your life is free
from
these hostile and manipulative people, read no further. However, the
probability of encountering these people is extremely likely. Although the
difficult
people make up 3-5% of the population, they create over 50% of the everyday
problems!

Certainly, we all can be miserable, hostile and basically pretty unpleasant
at times. But difficult people are this way all the time. A brief encounter
with a difficult person leaves one angry, frustrated, and demoralized. These
people go right for the jugular vein. The negative behavioral patterns they
learned are used strategically to wear you down. Their only objective is to win
regardless of who stands in their way.

Difficult people have learned to be this way because it is effective for
them. Their hostile and negative behavior serves them well. Their arsenal of
aggressive behavior catches their prey off guard and then renders them helpless.
Consequently, after a confrontation with these people, it's not unusual to feel
mentally abused and frustrated.

The first step in coping with a difficult person is to understand why they
behave this way. Generally, these people are unhappy, insecure, and have low
self-esteem. Early in life they learned to get their needs met in maladaptive
ways, such as, being the bully. Although there are different types of difficult
people - some are overly aggressive, while others may be passive-aggressive -
their dynamics are similar. Like all human beings, all they want is to be loved
and accepted. Unfortunately, they have learned inappropriate ways to achieve
this.

These behavioral patterns are deeply ingrained in the personality of the
difficult person. The overly-aggressive difficult person (one who bullies,
explodes, screams, etc.) uses their aggressive posture as a defense mechanism.
Because of their weak and fragile ego, they need to protect themselves. Their
best
defense is a strong offense-aggression. Therefore, they feel in control of
themselves only in a situation that allows them to feel powerful. But it doesn't
stop there. Like all weak people, their insatiable need to feel secure makes it
necessary for them to win - and to win at any cost.

The second step in trying to cope with difficult people is to distinguish
between a person who is having a bad day and one who is a difficult person. Keep
in mind that difficult people make up a small percentage of the population.
However, having an encounter with one makes that percentage appear larger.

The first way to help distinguish between the two is to reflect on the
history of the person. In other words, "Is the behavioral pattern normal or
unusual
for this person?" The difficult person is this way all of the time. A
non-difficult person who is having a bad day is just reacting to a particular
situation.

Another approach in distinguishing between the difficult person and a person
having a bad day is found in the way you communicate with them. Although
hostile at first, the non-difficult person will eventually respond to your
effective communication and rational reasoning. The difficult person will be
relentless in their pursuit to beat you and win.

To help you maintain composure when confronted by difficult people, it is
important to keep three things in mind. First, you can never change the
difficult
person. The old saying that a leopard never loses it's spots holds true with
the difficult person. These people need to be this way and for them to change
is to expose their vulnerability.

When confronted by difficult people, remain focused and be firm. Like spiders
spinning their webs, they are trying to trap you. By bombarding your ego with
insults and intimidation, they want you to lose control and fight with them.
When this happens, they "got-ya." Listen to them, maintain direct eye contact
and when appropriate speak in a clear firm voice. It is easy to become wrapped
up in the heated situation, so remain detached and distant from these people.
Doing so helps keep you from becoming entangled in their web of misery and
hostility.

The final step that will help you cope with the difficult person is to not
personalize the problem. Certainly, this is easier said than done. Between
wishing they would be different, thinking you can really help them, and trying
to
survive their emotional assault, it's difficult not to internalize the problem.
Yet, in order to cope effectively with these people, it is crucial to
maintain your self-esteem.

Some of the following thoughts might be helpful in your attempt to
depersonalize the situation:

"This is their problem, I will not make it mine."

"I'm not going to allow anyone to dictate my behavior."

"They want me to fight with them, I won't allow it."

"Their need to be difficult is a cover-up for their own inadequacies."

"I have the choice to play or not this game."

The bottom line is that trying to cope with difficult people is never easy
and is quite frustrating. Trust the fact that all people have trouble dealing
with difficult people. Although it may not seem possible to deal with difficult
people effectively, remain confident in your abilities and coping skills. And
keep in mind that engaging in an argument with these people is a no-win
proposition. In fact, the only way for you to win is to elect not to play.



Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]