Now We Are Six: The Narcissistic Mother
Lost Source

If you had a narcissist for a parent, you lived in a world governed by whim
enforced without mercy.

Narcissists have normal, even superior, intellectual development while
remaining emotionally and morally immature. Dealing with them can give you the
sense
of trying to have a reasonable discussion with a very clever six-year-old --
this is an age when normal children are grandiose and exhibitionistic, when
they are very resistant to taking the blame for their own misbehavior, when they
understand what the rules are (e.g., that lying, cheating, and stealing are
prohibited) but are still trying to wriggle out of accepting those rules for
themselves. This is the year, by the way, when children were traditionally
thought to reach the age of reason and when first communions (and first
confessions) were made.

Having a narcissist for a mother is a lot like living under the supervision
of a six-year-old. Narcissists are always pretending, and with a narcissistic
mother it's a lot like, "Let's play house. I'll pretend to be the mother and
you pretend to be the baby," though, as the baby, you'll be expected to act like
a doll (keep smiling, no matter what) and you'll be treated like a doll -- as
an inanimate object, as a toy to be manipulated, dressed and undressed,
walked around and have words put in your mouth; something that can be broken but
not hurt, something that will be dropped and forgotten when when something more
interesting comes along.

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Selected Characteristics of Normal Six-Year-Olds

[Based on Your Six-Year-Old, by Louise Bates Ames and Frances L. Ilg.]

The items below are not intended to be a comprehensive description of
six-year-olds, but only the selected bits that seem to be related to adult
narcissists' traits discussed elsewhere [and, yes, I really did compile the
traits list
weeks before finding this little book]. Besides being difficult and
bewildering, six-year-olds are also wonderfully warm and enthusiastic, fine
companions,
active, curious, intellectually ambitious, philosophically speculative, very
interested in the world and how it works, fond of novelty and amusement --
games, music, stories, outings, adventures.

My interest here is in pointing out that many of the narcissistic
characteristics that are abnormal in adults are completely normal at six years
of age and
that the survival of these childish characteristics into adulthood is,
essentially, immaturity rather than bad intentions. But bear in mind that, while
everyone who grows up passes through this stage of development, most of us spend
only a few months this way before moving on to more integrated behavior.
Narcissists, on the other hand, apparently spend the rest of their lives in this
state of highly volatile ambivalence and uncertainty. I don't mean to play down,
in any way, the very bad effects adult narcissists have on their own
children, but, for those who've survived being raised by narcissists, it may
give a
different way of looking at family history.

[See "It's A Good Life" for one person's idea of what it would be like if a
six-year-old ran the world -- and, I'll add, what life may seem like to a
six-year-old with a narcissist for a parent.] It has also bothered me that the
little clinical literature I've found is quite hostile to narcissists; I
certainly
know that they can be utterly impossible, but the truth remains that the
narcissists I've known were genuinely lovable about half the time -- the problem
being that they want to be treated as "special" in ways that they just ain't
special and will hate you for loving them for what they regard as the wrong
reasons (though most of the rest of us are far less demanding and are simply
pleased when attractive, decent people love us for any reason, special or not).

"Six can, oh so often, be expansive and out-of-bounds, contrary, violent,
hard...to live with."(p. 4)

"Your typical Six-year-old is a paradoxical little person, and bipolarity is
the name of the game. Whatever he does, he does the opposite just as readily.
In fact, sometimes the choice of some certain object or course of action
immediately triggers an overpowering need for its opposite." (p. 1, the first
paragraph of the book) [Emphasis in original]

"Six's reversals are truly something to be reckoned with." (p. 2)

"I love you" rapidly changes to "I hate you." (p. 2, 6)

stubborn and can't make up mind (p. 2)

"The child is now the center of his own universe." (p. 2, 15) [Emphasis in
original]

delighted by any silly thing that calls attention to himself; may do silly,
show-offy things to call attention to himself when he feels neglected or shut
out (pp. 71-72)

arrogant (p. 7)

self-important ("extremely aware of the importance of being Six") (p. 22)

demands rather than asks (twice on p. 6, 16)

thinks own way is always right (p. 7)

once started, will stick to a course of bad behavior or bad judgment
regardless of the inevitability of being punished for it (p. 7)

asks to be flattered and praised as "good," even ("rather sadly and
touchingly") following his worst behavior (p. 6)

can't accept criticism (p. 7)

feelings are hurt over very small criticisms, comments, failures (p. 6)

"He is so extremely anxious to do well, to be the best, to be loved and
praised, that any failure is very hard for him." (p. 6)

wants to win every time (p. 4, 21, 45)

poor sport, can't stand to lose (p. 7, 16)

argumentative and quarrelsome (p. 21)

defiant, pert, fresh, snippy (p. 6, 17)

competitive, combative (p. 20)

belligerent, verbally and physically aggressive (p. 21)

threatens, calls names, gets physically violent (p. 21)

violent temper tantrums may require physical restraint because of striking
out (p. 29)

jealous, envious (p. 7, 21)

to make sure of winning, will cheat or make up own rules (pp. 21-22, 45)

complains that others are cheating and not following the rules (p. 45)

some are very cruel to younger children (p. 22)

does not always tell the truth (p. 16)

will not admit to wrongdoing (p. 41) [Note: A technique is given for getting
the facts out of kids that also works with narcissists: instead of asking if
they did it, ask how they did it.]

goodness means the things explicitly required or allowed by parents or other
authority figures; badness means the things explicitly disapproved of or
forbidden (p. 66)

little forgiveness (p. 22)

very critical of others' conduct (p. 22)

expects friendships to be resumed immediately following tremendous complaint
and conflict (p. 22)

wants to boss (p. 21)

"Many children think their father knows everything -- even what goes on at
home while he is at work."(p. 16)

thinks his teacher knows the best and only right way of doing things; may not
know which rules to follow when school rules differ from home rules (p. 18)

"highly undifferentiated -- everything is everywhere" (p. 7)

can't always tell the difference between "yours" and "mine," and so often
steals (pp. 39-41)

"random and unconstructive expenditure of energy" (p. 31)

more interested in merely handling or using tools than in what is
accomplished with them (pp. 53-54)

less interested in actual final products than in whatever he may be doing at
the moment(p. 56)

"Sixes love to dress up and pretend they are somebody else...." (p. 49)



Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


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