Someone asked me to repost this:

Hi Chet:

She's "diverting." Abusive persons (and simply irresponsible persons) are
notorious for doing this. You confront them on their hurtful words/actions and
they will change the topic to anything under the sun that doesn't involve taking
accountability for themselves and, yes, oftentimes they will bring the
subject back around to what YOU have said/done or have not said/done. 

Whether your wife was doing this consciously or as the result of denial would
make no difference to me personally because even a lot of people who admit to
being abusive and/or irresponsible don't change their spots anyway. Most
abuse experts suggest the best response in situations like this is:


1) Do not explain yourself

2) Do not defend yourself

3) Instead, keep bringing the topic back to them


Her: "Are you planning on moving or not?"

You: "We are not discussing me at this time. If you want to talk about moving
later, fine. However, the purpose of the letter was to address your abusive
behavior."

Her: "But, I just want to know if you have packed or what?"

You: "That's not relevant to your abusive behavior."

Her: "Well, I need to know when the house is going to be sold."

You: "Again, we are not discussing at this time what I have or have not done,
or am planning or not planning to do, in regards to moving. I want to
confront the way you abuse me." 


You just keep using this approach - whether she finally acquiesces, or walks
away, or even starts abusing you (and in the latter case you walk away from
her!) - as long as you don't give her the power to make the conversation about
you at that time. In all fairness, abuser or no, she does have the right to
RESPECTFULLY ask you questions, comment on your own behavior if she's troubled
by
something, etc. but NOT when you have approached her to discuss HER behavior.
So, letting her know you won't tolerate diversion is setting a healthy
boundary with her. 

Free Terri


Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]