First, what is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

A borderline writes:

"Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger,
confusion, hurt, never knowing how I'm gonna feel from one minute to the next.
Hurting because I hurt those who I love. Feeling misunderstood. Analyzing
everything. Nothing gives me pleasure. Once in a great while I will get "too
happy"
and then anxious because of that. Then I self-medicate with alcohol. Then I
physically hurt myself. Then I feel guilty because of that. Shame. Wanting to
die
but not being able to kill myself because I'd feel too much guilt for those
I'd hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or O.D. to make all
the feelings go away. Stress!"

Abusive persons AND targets of abuse can have symptoms of BPD or full blown
BPD. Therapists use a book called "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual" (DSM) to
make mental health diagnoses. They've outlined nine traits that borderlines
seem to have in common; the presence of five or more of them may indicate BPD.

However, please note the following:

Everyone has all these traits to a certain extent. Especially teenagers.
These traits must be long-standing (lasting years) and persistent. And they must
be intense.

Be very careful about diagnosing yourself or others. In fact, don't do it.
Top researchers guide patients through several days of testing before they make
a diagnosis. Don't make your own diagnosis on the basis of a WWW site or a
book!

Many people who have BPD also have other concerns, such as depression, eating
disorders, substance abuse — even multiple personality disorder or attention
deficit disorder. It can be difficult to isolate what is BPD and what might be
something else. Again, you need to talk to a qualified professional.


DSM-IV Definition of BPD

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships,
self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and
present
in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include
suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized
by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called
"splitting."

Following is a definition of splitting from the book I Hate You, Don't Leave
Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10: 

The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and villains. A
child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human inconsistencies and
ambiguities; he cannot reconcile anther is good and bad qualities into a
constant
coherent understanding of another person. At any particular moment, one is
either
Good or EVIL. There is no in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one
day; totally devalued and dismissed the next.

Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory states
atone time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one feeling state
while
in the other. 

When the idealized person finally disappoints (as we all do, sooner or later)
the borderline must drastically restructure his one-dimensional
conceptionalization. Either the idol is banished to the dungeon, or the
borderline banishes
himself in other to preserve the all-good image of the other person.

Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of contradictory
feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to reconcile those images.
But
splitting often achieves the opposite effect. The frays in the BP's personality
become rips, and the sense of his own identity and the identity of others
shifts even more dramatically and frequently.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense
of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g.,
spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not
include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating
behavior.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense
episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and
only
rarely more than a few days).

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent
displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Dissociation is the state in which, on some level or another, one becomes
somewhat removed from "reality," whether this be daydreaming, performing actions
without being fully connected to their performance ("running on automatic"),
or other, more disconnected actions. It is the opposite of "association" and
involves the lack of association, usually of one's identity, with the rest of
the world.

There is no "pure" BPD; it coexists with other illnesses. These are the most
common. BPD may coexist with:

Post traumatic stress disorder

Mood disorders

Panic/anxiety disorders

Substance abuse (54% of BPs also have a problem with substance abuse)

Gender identity disorder

Attention deficit disorder

Eating disorders

Multiple personality disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Statistics about BPD

BPs comprise: 

2% of the general population

10% of all mental health outpatients

20% of psychiatric inpatients

75% of those diagnosed are women

75% have been physically or sexually abused



Second, A Non-Borderline's Quest to Understand Borderlines

Author: A.J. Mahari 


A Non-Borderline asks:


1.When a Borderline wakes up in the morning, do they decide they want to be
cruel that day or does it just "happen" like a switch coming on?

Interesting question. My answer would be yes, and no. Yes because, in essence
all of our behaviour is chosen, but no in the sense that most borderlines
(until they reach a certain point of healing - being able to take personal
responsibility) truly have no clue emotionally that they are indeed making such
choices. Borderlines, when cruel, are usually triggered and experiencing some
level or measure of dissociation - thus they heap into a moment with their SO's
for ie, something that has nothing to do with what is truly unfolding in the
reality of your shared present reality.


2.Do Borderlines enjoy making us unhappy?Are they jealous of us when they see
us happy?

I don't think so. I know when I was borderline, way back, before I was very
aware of others or of my own behaviour and before I learned to take personal
responsibility that I really didn't care how others felt most of the time --
unless I "needed" them. I think most around borderlines are experiencing the
angst and agony that is very real for those with this personality disorder. They
cannot comprehend peace or working together. In borderline reality if you are
right they have to be wrong and if they think you think they are wrong they
feel threatened and when they feel threatened (or vulnerable) all the defense
mechanisms get turned up to full steam ahead. I think most borderlines care that
they make others unhappy but like a small child who just needs and needs and
needs and wants and wants and wants - emotionally they just can't put you ahead
of them and so much of the time with borderlines they act as if they are the
centre of the universe - narcissistic because if they aren't the centre they
feel invisible which equals powerless and vulnerable.

Many borderlines aren't jealous. Some may be. Personally, I wasn't so much
jealous as just lost. And when I was borderline and lost I felt vulnerable, it
was a trigger and I would feel "less than" and then feel compelled to set out
to make the other person feel "less than" so that I could overcompensate for my
lack of worth, esteem and competence (emotionally). For a long time too, I
really just didn't understand happy, so happy would piss me off. I think it was
feeling unable to get to happy in the way I would see others and or perceive
that others were that most elicited chaotic responses from me in their happy
and peaceful times. It was like a fear of the "calm before the storm". I was
always waiting for the "other shoe to drop". When I'd get tired of waiting I
would pull it down on my head so to speak. So my interruptions of others'
happiness was more about me and not so much a jealousy as my own inability to
cope. I
used to feel "less-than" a happy person.


3. Do Borderlines know they are different from other people? If they do , do
they care??

Oh yes, most do know this and most care VERY much. In fact it is this caring
that often, sadly, drives them to more outrageous alienating and distancing
and or push/pulling behaviour. With the stigma attached to BPD in both the world
in general and the mental health profession there is a profound sense of
being different and that that different is NOT okay and when a borderline feels
"not okay" they again fight to get to the other extreme of all okay. But, to be
all okay, they mistakingly believe (out of a lack of emotional maturity) that
for them to be okay you can't be okay.(more black and white stuff).


4. What are some warning signs to detect when a Borderline is in a "bad"
mood???

This can vary with each individual borderline I would imagine. For many it is
withdrawl, distancing, or push/pull (a combination of distancing and pulling
behaviours). For others it may be rages or abusive criticism. Don't forget
that every bad mood that a borderline has they don't have just because they have
a personality disorder. If I were you I'd be searching to identify if there is
anything (in/from your borderline) that is between a good mood and a bad
mood. If not, that is a more telling thing than which mood they are in when. If
there is no combination ever of the two it is an indication of how polarized
their thinking is.


5. Why can't a Borderline ever say they are sorry? Is it because they don't
think that they have done anything wrong????

Well, here, it's important to remember not to generalize too much. When I was
borderline it seemed I spent half of my life saying I was sorry. I meant it
too but was for years unable to change my behaviour so I just kept saying
sorry. The issues here are conscience, ability to take personal responsibility
and
emotional maturity -- all of which are severely handicapped when one has BPD
until one works through these issues. There are also those out there,
borderline or not, who for whatever reason think that to apologize is weak. Some
apologize and mean it. Others never do and don't care and then other borderlines
likely care, and know they've done wrong but would feel too vulnerable to say
they are sorry -- it hinges upon self-trust (or lack thereof)too as to whether
or
not they can trust someone else with this aspect of their emotional
vulnerability or not.

Don't forget though, 100 apologies, even heart-felt for a behaviour or abuse
that continues to go on may be an indication that the person in relationship
to the borderline is not taking care of him/herself.


6. How can Bordrelines be so mean to those closest to them and nice to others
around them?????

Again, often it has to do with triggers. If they have unfinished business
with parents - abuse issues etc etc these will continue to play out in any SO
relationship until they heal them and get themselves emotionally under control.
For many they are putting out what they received as children. I know in my case
my parents were pretty bloody mean. A lot of how I ended up treating people
in my borderline years was rooted in how I experienced people in my childhood
and also in the absence of any healthy relationships.

Borderlines often feel out of control, whether they realize it or not. So
they seek to control their environment and or others in it in order to feel in
control. Borderlines, until they develop a sense of self, live essentially
through others. So if your borderline is living through you and feels out of
control, he will try to control you as a way of trying to ease/soothe what ails
him/her.


7. What would make a Borderline want to get help??????

In my experience it was pain. It was realizing that I just hurt too much and
that I needed to know why and I wanted to try to ease my pain, soothe it and
or heal it. Also, I was not okay with hurting people. I hurt many people in my
life but I always DID care. I had a strong conscience and once I learned how
abusive I was -- well -- even though I didn't know who I was (at that point) I
did know this was NOT THE REAL ME - it was me recycling out my past. I had a
burning desire to find the real me and to be able to be that person.

I think the motivation for each borderline is highly individual for the most
part but that there would be a commonality in terms of wanting the pain to
stop and of wanting to be able to have healthy relationships/friendships that
work.

You cannot manipulate or force or cajole a borderline to get help though.
They clearly have to want it themselves.


8.Sometimes when I am "attacked" by my Borderline husband I start to cry.
What is the best way to react to him???????

What does he do when you cry? If this escalates his behaviour you may want to
do something else for yourself. If he doesn't react to your crying by
behaving more dramatically and you want to cry - cry. You may benefit from
looking at
why you are crying, what hurts and what you can do about it. You need to take
care of yourself and protect yourself emotionally (if not physically as
well). It depends upon your boundaries. Personally, if I were in a relationship
with a borderline (which by the way I just wouldn't do now, no matter what) I
would draw a line. I would let them know that certain behaviour will not be
tolerated and that if it happens I'm going to do, a, b, c etc......and stick to
it
and do it.

For example if he does whatever it is that he does that leaves you crying,
you might say, if you do _____________ I will not talk to you for 2 hours. If
you do ____________ I will leave the house for 1 hour. If you do ___________ I
will ________________. The point of these boundaries is two-fold. Firstly, they
are for your protection and well-being. Secondly, borderlines, who often have
no boundaries of their own, can benefit from yours and from you clearly
imposing limits on what you will and won't take. (or put up with from them or
engage in with them)


9.What is the longest period of time that you went being nice to others
around you? Days, weeks????????

That's hard to say. Much of my life I was not close to anyone. In that time
however, I did many things in which I interacted with people, just not
intimately. I coached kids in sports and things like that and was able to
maintain a
competent mature and situationally-appropriate mood. I was nice. I was a very
nice person to most people most of the time. But in terms of primary
relationships or even friendships I was likely lucky to get through only days
until I
had some issue, or trigger come up and anger and feelings of abandonment etc.

Remember part of the BPD diagnosis means clearly that borderlines are not
emotionally mature enough - don't have strong enough ego boundaries and sense of
self to relate healthily. That's just reality. So to expect more than your
borderline can do now (without concerted effort in therapy) is unrealistic.


10. I was just "attacked" by my husband, who I know will not apologize for
being so cruel. This builds up so much resentment because I know I will be the
one to make up to him. The dog licking the hand that beats it syndrome. What is
the best way for me to better handle an "attack"?????????

Stop pandering. Stop taking responsibility for what is his and for what he
does. Set boundaries in place. Refuse to sit there and be attacked anymore. Take
leave. Go to a separate room and lock the door. Leave the house. Do not
continue to feed his "stuff" with attention of any kind. If, under these
circumstances you think he may get violent than really think about whether or
not you
should be with him right now at all. You have rights. You have a right to space
and a right to peace. You have a right to feel what you feel and believe what
you believe. You have the right to NOT BE ATTACKED. You have to right to
expect him to make right his wrongs (instead of you doing it). Take care of
yourself. Be prepared to put yourself, your health, your safety and your sanity
ahead
of him and your relationship. You cannot control what he thinks feels or what
he choose to do but you can control what you do, what you say, what you put
up and what you don't.


11. Do Borderlines really understand "Love" Do they love us? Do they love
themselves?"?????????

No. Anyone with BPD, who is without a consistent sense of their own identity
and "self" - authentic self as opposed to "false-self", cannot love themselves
at all. They do not know themselves. And that absence of self is the root of
so much of borderline pain. Since they cannot love themselves they cannot
possibly love anyone else. It may sound simple, but actually this part is
simple.
It's believing it that is so difficult for so many. No, borderlines do not
love themselves. Healthy love, for self and for others is a rare thing these
days. People, borderline, or not must work hard to learn how to love themselves
and others. It takes both parties in any relationship doing that for it to have
a healthy chance at health. Any less is just a fallacy and often a very
painful dance of co-dependency.


12. Why doesn't it matter to him when I tell him how much it
hurts??"?????????

Likely because your reality is not his. He probably has little to no idea
what he is doing or how it affects you. He will likely begin to learn when you
put boundaries in place and stop supporting his pathology at every turn. At this
point he will have two choices, learn or lose you. I hope that you will
ensure that he loses you before you lose yourself.


Please A. J. Help me to help myself.??"?????????

I hope something I've said will be of assistance to you. I do want to point
out here too though that what you've written just above is "it" in a nut-shell.
YOU, do have to help yourself, take care of yourself and ask yourself why you
have been (at least up til now) willing to put up with being hurt by the one
that is "supposed" to love you? Love is not "supposed to hurt". Love "should"
not tear down. Love "should" build up.

When I was borderline I had no clue. I thought that raging abuse was a
legitimate way to show I cared. It was the only way I once knew how. Life has
taught
me otherwise. Each and every borderline must take personal responsibility to
find their own identity from the inside out and to stop trying to meet all of
their needs through living through and or manipulating others.

TAKE CARE OF YOU -- and ask yourself, what, what is it about this man that
you so love? Is he tender? Is he sensitive? Is he an equal partner
(emotionally)? Is he a good friend? Is he emotionally available? Is he working
toward
mutual goals in your relationship/life?





Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.

~ Albert Einstein


Fallen Officer: Kenneth L. Collings
http://hometown.aol.com/azterri/kenny.html


AZTerri
http://profiles.yahoo.com/arizona_terri


End Verbal Abuse Group Leader
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/End_Verbal_Abuse


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