RELATIONSHIPS: USE AND ABUSE OF POWER

"Control is an illusion."

- Sheldon Kopp


Power is one of the most sought after experiences in our culture (besides
Orgasm). There are various definitions of power. Some are negative and suggest
that life is about dominating others. A more positive definition would include
individual power and responsibility which enhances rather than diminishes self
and other. Possession of this kind of responsible power eliminates the need to
dominate any individual or group.

When we are born, we are powerless: This means that we are completely
dependent upon our nurturer for all life supporting functions. As we grow up, we
gradually assume these functions. Power and autonomy become a developmental
issue
as early as the second and third year of life. We demand to decide for
ourselves what we want to do. The word "no" becomes important to us as we begin
our
natural passage to separation and individuation.

Power struggles are common between our newly evolving selves and our parents.
Experiences and the conclusions we draw from them consciously, as well as
unconsciously, become the basis of our experience of power and autonomy as
adults. Our own interpretations of our parents' reactions and the way we
assimilate
and integrate these with our inborn striving for self determination and
autonomy form beliefs about ourselves. These beliefs become the foundations of
our
attitude and/or posture toward power and autonomy.

If our young, immature attempts to assert our newly evolving selves are
frequently met with annoyance, we might draw the following conclusion: if we
don't
comply, the significant people in our lives will react negatively. So we
compromise by, for instance, learning to pretend compliance while deep down
inside
we feel full of resentment for not receiving respect for who we really are. As
a result, we compromise our own sense of power.

The misuse of power often involves trying to get someone else to do something
for us that we can't or won't do for ourselves. "Make me happy, proud,
successfull, rich, complete, satisfied. Make me feel better" - or at its most
base
"do what I want so I can feel powerfull or safe. "To refuse to be a willing
partner in life, to act as though we are acted upon, that we have no choice, no
decision making ablity is an act of power and becomes an identity. We give
ourselves away and make others responsible for the success or failure in our
lives
so that we take no responsibility for it. We are innocent and perfect - only
making others bad and lacking. We live our lives as martyrs and wear our
suffering as a badge and blame, pnish and resent those to whom we have turned
over
our power.

Since most of us don't review how we became the person we have developed
into, we are not aware or conscious of the compromises. It has become a personal
style of relating to others and we easily lose focus on what we really want or
desire in a relationship. In order to be liked, accepted or, at least, not
rejected, we compromise ourselves this way, giving up personal power by not
expressing what we really feel and experience.

The process of growing up is about becoming an independently functioning
separate individual. A child needs the parents' support in order to attempt age
appropriate independence and empowerment. Some of our experiences that relate to
our individuation include the compromises that we make and the conclusions we
draw. The way we solve the conflict of being dependent versus wanting and
needing to become an independent responsible person forms our belief system.
This, in turn, determines to what extent we assume power and independence as
adults. Power here is understood as the ability to stay focused - not to let
others
manipulate us or make us do what we don't want.

For example, Parents who get into power struggles with their children do not
experience themselves as being in control. Deep feelings of impotence lead to
the use of manipulation, the absolute demand for obedience, the use of
physical force and other humiliating means to get their way. The child learns
that to
survive in this kind of atmosphere, one must compromise one's self. Often
these survival techniques prove to be destructive over time, as they get in the
way of realization of self.

(The misuse of power often involves trying to get someone else to do
something for us that we can't or won't do for ourselves. "Make me happy, proud,
successful, rich, complete, satisfied. Make me feel better" - or at its most
base
"do what I want so I can feel powerful or safe." To refuse to be a willing
partner in life, to act as though we are acted upon, that we have no choice, no
decision making ability is an act of power and becomes an identity. We give
ourselves away and make others responsible for the success or failure in our
lives
so that we take no responsibility for it. We are innocent and perfect - only
making others bad and lacking. We live our lives as martyrs and wear our
suffering as a badge and blame, punish and resent those to whom we have turned
over
our power.)

We too easily surrender. - When we don't voice our opinions or when we fail
to speak out against a wrong or when we don't vote, we surrender. Our power is
in ourselves, in our knowing, in our trusting our knowing even when others
don't agree. Integrity is a big piece of this, self-delusion is not. It's
important to get our feet so firmly on the ground that they seem to take root.
All of
this involves coming to terms with our own personal demons, our fears, and so
develop a strong inner-self and allow ourselves to have it, and so achieve a
sense of contentment, along with the ability to delay gratification so that a
false front or false self is no longer needed. We can be fully ourselves.
Personal integrity requires being able to sustain ourselves emotionally so that
we
don't need to feed off of others. As a result, we experience having a
fullness of self as opposed to being full of ourselves, while knowing and
respecting
our own boundaries as well as those of others.

Having mature personal power is based on a strong sense of ourselves as a
worthwhile autonomous being: we know ourselves, being in touch with our
strengths
and weakness. We do not pretend, or hide our true nature. We are not inclined
to manipulate others to get our needs met. We are able and willing to be
clear and direct, taking the risk of standing alone. Since we don't have to
close
our eyes to ourselves, we have an ability to see others clearly. We are
grounded in reality. This is what gives us the kind of power which people are
drawn
to and for which they respect us, and, most importantly, which we can respect
in ourselves.

Two people who possess this sense of healthy personal power can have a mature
relationship in which the focus lies in appreciating and enjoying rather than
controlling or exploiting the other. Without that strong sense of self as an
autonomous being, power will inevitably be misused to meet one's needs and
resentment and dissatisfactions are sure to follow. Two mature people, on the
other hand, who have a grounded sense of self and who are able and willing to
stand on their own two feet, can respect and enjoy each other as free
individuals.



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