EQ: Ways to Increase Your Personal Power through Emotional Intelligence

by Susan Dunn
MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach and Consultant

Personal Power is an Emotional Intelligence (EQ) competency you're probably
familiar with by another name. It's your sense of being able to handle yourself
and your life. It's the opposite of the "victim" position, where you feel
helpless and hopeless. Instead, when you've developed your Personal Power, you
feel confidant to help yourself, and to ask for help when you need it, and you
feel positive about outcomes. You are more willing to take action, and to use
solution-focused problem-solving, instead of emotion-focused problem-solving.

You may have thought when you read the title of this article, it was
referring to your power in the external world and it is, but this comes only
when you
have the Personal Power within. You create your world by your thoughts and
beliefs, and if you feel helpless and hopeless, you'll create these outcomes.
When you have a quiet sense of Personal Power, you are able to accomplish more,
and will come to say, "If I couldn't do it, nobody could've."

So how do you develop your Personal Power?

You can't function fully until you know yourself, and to know your SELF is to
know your FEELINGS. We are our emotions and they are there to guide us.
People in the victim position don't know what they think or feel, and feel they
have no rights. Assertiveness is believing in rights - yours and others. It
means treating others with respect, and yourself as well. The cornerstone of
Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness, and you begin this by doing an EQ
check-in often during the day. Ask yourself, "How am I feeling, emotionally,
mentally, physically, and spiritually?"

I've found in teleclasses that most people can talk immediately about how
they feel physically, but don't know what "mentally," "emotionally," and/or
"spiritually" mean, so I'll define them so you can get started.


HOW DO YOU FEEL MENTALLY?

This refers to your ability to think. Are you alert? Full of ideas? Sluggish?
Unable to process? If I asked you to do a math problem, or generate some
alternate solutions to a dilemma, how would you do? This is what "mental" is
about
- your ability to handle information, facts, draw conclusions, formulate a
thought, solve a problem, and perform other thought processes.


HOW DO YOU FEEL EMOTIONALLY?

Everyone takes a stab at this one, but there are two ways to weasel out. One
is to say, "I feel like a wrung-out dishrag," and the other is to say, "I
think I'm exhausted." In the first case, you're begging out, and in the second
case, notice the word "think" was used, which makes it a mental process.
Sometimes we lack the vocabulary, and emotional expression is part of Emotional
Intelligence.

How do you feel EMOTIONALLY? Here are some answers, and they begin with "I
AM" - sad, angry, frustrated, enraged, discouraged, tired, overwhelmed, elated,
optimistic, or resentful. Of course there are many others. One thing you can
do to increase your Emotional Intelligence is to learn new words for feelings.
Then apply them to your situation. It's very common to feel "angry," when it
contains many layers. It could be from frustration, fatigue, being too hot,
having had too much caffeine, righteous indignation, and a range from "annoyed"
to "enraged" or "ballistic."


HOW DO YOU FEEL SPIRITUALLY?

How you answer this depends upon your understanding of a higher power in your
life. Some people answer this with "I don't know." Others will say, "I'm very
attuned with nature today. I had a long walk with my dog," while others will
say, "I feel very connected to those around me. Very warm and loved." You
could also say, "Close to God" or "I feel good about life and myself."

Most of us recognize a deeper level in our lives, be it through religion,
spirituality, art, culture, music, poetry or nature. Being able to answer "How
do
you feel spiritually?" may take some work on your part, but then so may the
others.

Being able to answer these four questions gets you centered on yourself. If
you've been lacking in Personal Power, chances are you may have been exercising
too much empathy, or ignoring the feelings of yourself and others, so you are
not in touch with your feelings. You often don't know what they are!

Once you know how you feel, and what you want, you have a good chance of
getting it! This has nothing to do with manipulation, by the way, nor is it
heavy-handed power lays, forcing others to do what we want. Intimidating others
with
words, threats or body language is bullying. People do this who have an
exaggerated opinion of their own rights vs. those of others. What's confusing is
that these tactics work . in the short-term and temporarily. A demanding,
intimidating person may be able to get what she wants once, or in limited
circumstances or vis a vis other people with no Personal Power, but in the long
run,
people will avoid, disrespect, or avoid her in the future.

Feeling your Personal Power and behaving in an appropriately assertive manner
allows other to respect you. It means stating your position with clarity and
confidence. It relieves stress in your life because you cease tolerating
behavior that's offensive or that drains your energy. At the same time, it
increases your chances of getting what you want, because first you must ask. You
might
ask for more intimacy or more money, less work or less noise, or some
acknowledgement and some appreciation.

In order to claim your Personal Power, you need to have self-respect. This is
something you accomplish; it doesn't just happen. It means learning to truly
love and value yourself, albeit a work-in-progress. With Personal Power, you
ARE, you don't DO. If you demand respect from someone, you may get it -
temporarily, reluctantly and with confusion (because the other person senses you
don't respect yourself) and therefore they don't know how to give it to you. On
the other hand, when you are clear about who you are and how you expect to be
treated, it will happen.

Each time you fail to stand up for yourself, and treat yourself poorly, or
let others do so, you will lose ground you've gained. Again, it's a constant
process. Eventually it becomes automatic and part of you, but it takes time, and
you will backslide. Each time you do, process your feelings. How were you
feeling beforehand? How did you feel afterward? Would you be willing to change
your behavior so you don't feel bad? (Yes!)

During the learning process you have to be patient with yourself, and also
mindful. You have to be able to catch yourself immediately the minute you slip.
If you entertain even the thought of "I'm an idiot," erase it. Replace it with
something positive. With time, only positive thoughts will enter your
self-talk, but only if you're mindful about what you say to yourself.

Here are some of the ways you can command respect:

· Knowing your values and having standards, and behaving in them.

· Your attitude.

· How you treat yourself. If you're willing to abuse yourself, others will
join right in.

· Keeping good boundaries. Become committed to living your life with joy,
assertiveness and productivity, and refuse to engage with people (even with
family!) that can't support this approach.

· Watch your posture, eye contact, walk, and how you hold your head and
shoulders.

· Make your SELF known - have opinions, state them, take part in
conversations, be present and fully engaged.

· Acknowledge compliments graciously. Say "thank you," instead of, "Oh, it
really wasn't much."

· Stop cross-thinking, i.e., did I say or do the right thing? Learn to
develop your intuition (an EQ competency), and to go with it and trust it. With
practice, you'll act naturally and spontaneously, and stop questioning yourself
at
every turn. Others will respond to this.

· Eliminate complaining and worrying. They accomplish nothing except to drag
you down, and make others think less of you. · Use solution-focused
problem-solving, not emotion-focused problem-solving.



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