In the Mind of the Abuser

Abusive people typically think they are unique, really so different from
other people that they don't have to follow the same rules everyone else does.
But
rather than being unique, abusers have a lot in common with one another,
including their patterns of thinking and behaving. The following are some of
their
characteristics.

Excuse Making
Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, the abuser tries to
justify his behavior with excuses. For example: "My parents never loved me" or
"My
parents beat me" or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess,
I lost my temper" or "I couldn't let her talk to me that way. There was
nothing else I could do."

Blaming
The abuser shifts responsibility for his actions away from himself and onto
others, a shift that allows him to justify his abuse because the other person
supposedly "caused" his behavior. For example: "If you would stay out of it
while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them." Or he may
say, "She pushes my buttons." Statements like this are victim blaming. If he
really had buttons she could push, she would push the one that says, "vacuum"
instead the one that says, "hit me".

Redefining
In a variation on the tactic of blaming, the abuser redefines the situation
so that the problem is not with him but with others or with the outside world
in general. For example, the abuser doesn't come home for dinner at 6 p.m. as
he said he would; he comes home at 4 a.m. He says, "You're an awful cook
anyway. Why should I come home to eat that stuff? I bet the kids wouldn't even
eat
it."

Success Fantasies
The abuser believes he would be rich, famous, or extremely successful if only
other people weren't "holding me back." He uses this belief to justify his
abuse. The abuser also puts other people down verbally as a way of making
himself look superior.

Lying
The abuser controls the situation by lying to control the information
available. The abuser also may use lying to keep other people, including his
victim,
off-balance psychologically. For example, he tries to appear truthful when
he's lying, he tries to look deceitful even when he's telling the truth, and
sometimes he reveals himself in an obvious lie.

Assuming
Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling.
Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what
the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example, "I knew
you'd be mad because I went out for a beer after work, so I figured I might as
well stay out and enjoy myself."

Above the Rules
As mentioned earlier, an abuser generally believes he is better than other
people and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That
attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate in a jail typically
believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he himself is not.
An abuser shows "above-the-rules" thinking when he says, for example, 'I don't
need batterer intervention. I'm different than those other men. Nobody has the
right to question what I do in my family."

Making Fools of Others
The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying,
upsetting the other person just to watch his or her reactions, and encouraging
a fight between or among others. Or, he may try to charm the person he wants
to manipulate, pretending a lot of interest or concern for that person in
order to get on her or his good side.

Fragmentation
The abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separate from the rest of his
life. The separation is physical; for example, he will beat up family members
but not people outside his home. The separation is psychological; for example,
the abuser attends church Sunday morning and beats his wife Sunday night. He
sees no inconsistency in his behavior and feels justified in it.

Minimizing
The abuser ducks responsibility for his actions by trying to make them seem
less important than they are. For example, "I didn't hit you that hard" or 'I
only hit one of the kids. I could have hit them all."

Vagueness
Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. For
example, "I'm late because I had some things to do on the way home."

Anger
Abusive people are not actually angrier than other people. However, they
deliberately appear to be angry in order to control situations and people.

Power Plays
The abuser uses various tactics to power trip others. For instance, he walks
out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouts the victim, or
organizes other family members or associates to "gang up" on the victim in
shunning
or criticizing her.

Playing Victim
Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in
order to manipulate others into helping him. Here, the abuser thinks that if
he doesn't get what he wants, he is the victim; and he uses the disguise of
victim to get back at or make fools of others. Abusers will often claim to be
the victim in order to avoid being held accountable by law enforcement. He may
assert she was the one who was violent. He will display what are clearly
defensive wounds, such as bite marks or scratch marks, and claim she "attacked"
him.
Or he will declare that the physical marks on her were caused when he was
trying to keep her from hurting herself.

Drama and Excitement
Abusive people often make the choice not to have close relationships with
other people. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people
find it exciting to watch others get angry, get into fights, or be in a state
of general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics described
earlier to set up a dramatic and exciting situation.

Closed Channel
The abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real feelings. He
is not open to new information about himself, either, such as insights into
how others see him. He is secretive, close-minded, and self-righteous. He
believes he is right in all situations.

Ownership
The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, he believes that anything
he wants should be his, and he can do as he pleases with anything that is his.
That attitude applies to people as well as to possessions. It justifies his
controlling behavior, physically hurting others, and taking things that belong
to them.

Self-glorification
The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent,
self-sufficient, and very masculine. His picture of the ideal man often is the
cowboy or adventurer type. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit
his
glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.



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